Latest / Grounded Growth / Gentleness in a Harsh World
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- Stephanie Petry: Hi, welcome to. Nicole Ghirardi: Hi, welcome to Grounded Growth Podcast. I'm Nicole Girardi. And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Stephanie Petry: ⁓ And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button. Nicole Ghirardi: Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button Stephanie Petry: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Nicole Ghirardi: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Stephanie Petry: Hi, welcome. I'm Stephanie Petry Nicole Ghirardi: called Ghirardi Stephanie Petry: Today we are going to continue our fruit that last series with gentleness and a harsh world. Gentleness is strength under control, not weakness or passivity. Jesus was both truthful and tender, and he could speak hard truth without becoming harsh. So we are called to be lights in a dark world. And the light does not have to be loud to be powerful. Sometimes light exposes and sometimes it comforts. Sometimes this simply helps someone to see the next step. Biblical gentleness starts with recognizing the dignity of the person in front of us. We are all God's image bearers and precious to him. And so our words and actions should reflect how he has treated us. And gentleness requires us to slow down enough to listen and understand and respond instead of react. especially when we feel misunderstood or accused or frustrated with something. gentleness is not avoiding truth though. It is learning to speak truth in a way that leaves room for grace, repentance, and relationship. Nicole Ghirardi: Gentleness sounds beautiful until someone pushes our buttons. It is easy to be gentle when we're rested, understood, and getting our way. But the real test comes when we're frustrated, misunderstood, or under pressure. That's when we discover whether gentleness is actually taking root in us. So before we kind of dive into the episode stuff, what does gentleness in a harsh world actually mean? Stephanie Petry: So I think gentleness is just it's not weakness, it is strength surrendered to God. So what I mean by that is I think sometimes we hear the word gentle and up and just picture someone who never speaks up or never confronts anything or just lets people walk all over them. I know that I'm guilty of thinking that's what gentleness was. But Jesus was incredibly gentle and incredibly strong. Gentleness doesn't mean that he avoided the truth. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: It means that we can carry truth that matters. in James 3, 17, it says that wisdom from above is peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, and impartial and sincere. That's a very different picture than passivity. gentleness takes care with people because people matter to God. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: and so if I really believe that the person standing in front of me is someone God created and loves, it should change how I speak to them. We are God's precious possessions, and one of the simplest ways to live that out is to treat others the way that we want to be treated, that golden rule. gentleness asks, how can I communicate truth without unnecessarily crushing the person receiving it? Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: I think that gentleness can be both comforting and clarifying, just like light can be. So Jesus calls himself the light of the world, and he calls us to shine as lights too. So light is an active force. Sometimes it is comforting, like a candle in a dark room, and other times it's inconvenient, like a light suddenly turning on when you're trying to sleep. but that's what gentleness can. It can lovingly illuminate something that needs to be seen without using harshness to make the point. As Christians, we're called to be different, not because we hide truth, but because Nicole Ghirardi: . Stephanie Petry: we carry it differently. And gentleness makes room for vulnerability. Tim Kennell's book, Grace-Based Parenting, talks about creating Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: Our children, our spouses, and our friends need to know that being honest with us is not going to cost them our love. I think that's true in all of our relationships. If people know that they can Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: tell us what they're really feeling without immediately being corrected, belittled, dismissed, we create space for genuine connection. And a gentle person doesn't have to have the immediate answer either. Sometimes gentleness sounds like, tell me more, and I want to understand better. So Nicole Ghirardi: Mm-hmm. Stephanie Petry: it sounds wonderful, but gentleness actually becomes much harder when we're tired or defensive or convinced that we're right and trying to prove a point. the moments that expose our lack of gentleness are often the very moments when God is inviting us to grow in it. So Nicole, why is gentleness so hard to live out? Nicole Ghirardi: I think gentleness is hard because we live in a harsh world, a loud world, and the quickest, most cutting response is usually the one that gets rewarded. And being right often feels better than being kind at times. And I can see this a lot in the business industry that in the moment, winning the point can matter more to us than caring for the person on the other side of it. Gentleness also takes margins and most of us are always running on empty. So when I'm tired or rushed or stretched thin, gentleness is generally the thing to go after my patients have been lost. In the book, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer writes of some words from Dallas Willard. he says that, is a great enemy of spiritual life. I feel that most in my tone, when I'm hurried, I am harsh. And the two almost always travel together with that. Stephanie already named this at the top of our episode, but that we make the mistake that gentleness is for weakness. And I feel that so much and it's heavy at times, because I'm afraid that if I soften, I'll get walked on. And so I feel like I have to armor myself up instead. I feel that a lot in the industry that I'm in with insurance, because I feel like it's male dominated. So us women have to armor ourselves up. to feel like we're not softening and we're letting them walk all over us. Our culture trains us to be reactive. A quick swipe through my phone can prime me for outrage before I even have spoken to a real person. And social media can really, really play that huge factor in us when we haven't even met that real person yet, but we're reading what is being said on social media or a post or an email, for instance. And if I'm honest, my sharpest tone comes out with the people that I love the most. And I'm sure that's the same way with a lot of you, that the one's safe enough to be able to absorb my worst. So my family gets the worn out version of Nicole a lot. And especially the version that the world doesn't get to see. And thank goodness they love me so much still, even after seeing that worst version of me. When I feel misunderstood or accused, my instinct is to defend. And I feel like that's a lot of us. This is that we want to be able to defend ourselves and not listen to the other person talking. And gentleness asks me to say soft in that exact moment, everything in me wants to harden. And I look back in the instances that if I would have just listened, it is just so hard to allow others to belittle you in the business world, for example. and you walk away feeling defeated. But then you start realizing it that even if I went ahead and defended myself, they didn't listen, so you still walk away defeated because they're not listening, they're wanting their point because they wanna win. And so I should've just decided at that moment to just go ahead and listen and just stay soft. in that moment because it's going to better my heart in the long run versus me dwelling upon what's going on in the situation. I think of James and John in Luke chapter 9 when the Samaritan village rejected Jesus and they wanted to call down fire to destroy the whole town but Jesus turned and rebuked them and that reflex to scorch the people who wrong us is still alive in all of us. and it's definitely something that I have at times in my life. So it's really being able to hold back and not feel that way all the time. And lastly, I feel like like Steph said earlier is that gentleness is a strength under control. And that hard part for me is the control is exactly the piece I keep having to hand back to God. It was never a personality. I was born with or without and that's what you have to remember So when gentleness is that hard to hold on to it tends to slip out in ways We do not always catch in the moment. So what does it actually look like when our gentleness slips? Stephanie Petry: Well, for me, gentleness slips when I react instead of respond. someone says something that frustrates me and before I've even processed it, my tone changes. Nicole Ghirardi: I'm home. Stephanie Petry: and I can technically I can be technically correct and still communicate in a way that is harsh. that's one of the things I have to keep bringing before God. Lord, help me care more about how I am representing you. Than about winning this moment. And it can look like correcting someone when what they really need is compassion. I do like to be a fixer and I look at it as being helpful, but sometimes it's hurtful. So sometimes I am so focused on fixing that problem that I forget that there is a person experiencing the problem. Nicole Ghirardi: Any questions? Yeah. Stephanie Petry: And like especially like in emails and stuff, I call it fluff. I'm not good at fluff, but I've I'm learning to become more fluffy, I guess. Fluffy? I don't know. before I jump into advice, I need to ask how do you feel about that? Or what is it that you need? do you feel seen and heard? And you know, how is their soul like right now? What is it that they're actually communicating at the root? Jesus didn't treat Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: people like problems to solve. So I shouldn't either. I can also confuse gentleness with withholding truth. So there have been times when love requires us to speak up. And it can be scary. A friend who genuinely loves me may lovingly point out where my actions don't align with God's word. And so I have a friend who does this for me and she Nicole Ghirardi: Thank you. Stephanie Petry: does it in very in a very gentle way. That I feel loved and cared for. And even when she's challenging me and telling me that maybe what I'm saying or doing is not aligning with who, you know, what God calls us to do, she asks questions and she points me back to scripture and she cares about my integrity. And so I'm very grateful to have a friend like that that I know I can rely on to hold me accountable. Nicole Ghirardi: Mm hmm. Stephanie Petry: and that's a picture of biblical gentleness. Truth without condemnation, correction without humiliation, and love without compromise. I really, I really do appreciate that. and then lastly, Jesus himself modeled this, modeled gentleness with Martha. And it's one of my Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Thank you. Stephanie Petry: favorites because I'm probably lean more towards a Martha anyway. but in Luke 10, Jesus gently corrected Martha when she was anxious and distracted with her work. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: He didn't ignore what was happening in her heart, but he also didn't shame her. That challenges me because sometimes I think being gentle means avoiding difficult conversations. Jesus shows us that gentleness can actually require us to have those conversations. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Everything Steph said about reacting instead of responding. For me, it is almost never big dramatic blow up either. It slips out in a tone, a sigh, an eye roll, a clipped answer I regret saying two seconds later. It looks like being warm and patient with a stranger, but then snapping at people in your own house over something small. Steph mentioned being technically right but still harsh and that is me over text messages especially. I can say the true thing in the most unkind way possible and then call it honesty and I feel like that, I mean that's truth. mean I try not to do it but sometimes it's the heat of the moment and you say something you regret saying or you type an email. Now, my biggest thing when something like that happens, I write the email to myself and then I'm like, do I want to receive that email? If I don't want to receive that email, then why is the other person on the other end going to want to receive that email? And it's just catching yourself doing that. I learned this one the hard way years ago, back when I let myself and my agency be in that high pressure sales season. It was contest time and management was pushing us hard. to try to hit all the numbers, expecting the world out of all of us. And the stress in the building was through the roof with me and my employees, just trying to make sure that we hit every number we possibly have to. And right in the middle of it, someone on my team dropped the ball on a service request for one of my VIP customers. And that immediately flipped the switch for me because I let my stress get to me. So instead of stepping in with grace, I came down on them hard. I was so wrapped up in that pressure and the numbers that I made the person feel small over one mistake. And what God has been showing me since is that pressure is never a license to be harsh. And those numbers did not need me to be sharp. They needed me to lead well. And honestly, gentleness would have gotten a better result than my frustration ever did with it. To build on Steph's point about correcting when someone needs compassion, I do the exact same thing. I jump in to wanna fix it when the person just needed me to stop and feel it with them first. Proverbs chapter 15 verse one says, gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. I have watched my own harsh words turn a small moment into a big one more times than I would like to admit. And I know that we all feel that way. Especially when you're in a little fight with your husband. I feel like that's a big one where they're getting the worn out version of you and you immediately want to turn it into something big and you're like, whoa, wait a minute, what just happened? And you realize it was the words that were coming out. What brings me back is remembering how patient God has been with me. He has never once been harsh with me in my worst moments, and that is the gentleness I want to pass on instead of my sharp edges. So if gentleness isn't weakness and it isn't silence, what does it look like when we look directly at Jesus? He gives us the clearest picture because he never separated truth from love. Stephanie Petry: And so in scripture, in 1 Peter 3, 15, it says, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you, yet do it Nicole Ghirardi: Thank you. Stephanie Petry: with gentleness and respect. This is one that I I always recommend people To have that answer, especially if they're going through a specific trial or season of struggling or suffering. because when Christians suffer well in faith, people notice because Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: your reactions are different. you have a sense of peace and a joy, even though your circumstances are so wild or chaotic or sad. and so it confuses the world, it confuses people on how you can have joy and peace in the midst of of extreme suffering. if you have that reason ready so that you can answer that it's because of Jesus, like he's my hope and my salvation, Nicole Ghirardi: . . Stephanie Petry: and giving God the glory. So some things from First Peter is that Jesus shows us that gentleness and truth belong together. Jesus never watered down truth to make people comfortable. But he also never used truth as a weapon either. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: his gentleness was not the absence of conviction. It was conviction carried with compassion. And that's especially important when we feel misunderstood, or even when we feel opposed because of our faith. We can stand firm without becoming harsh. So it is okay to disagree with somebody, but you don't need to try and Nicole Ghirardi: . you Stephanie Petry: or get them onto your side because you can't get them to believe in Jesus anyway. That's not your job. You're not the Holy Spirit. But you can answer for yourself and remind yourself of what truth is based on what it is that's happening. Also Jesus moved toward people in their brokenness. And so just think about the prodigal son. The father doesn't wait On the porch with a lecture, he runs towards his broken child and embraces him. this that's the posture I want to cultivate, not minimizing sin, but being the kind of person who makes repentance feel like a doorway back to grace rather than a sentence of shame. And God's kindness Nicole Ghirardi: All right. Stephanie Petry: is what leads us towards repentance. And our gentleness should reflect that same heart. So just as Nicole was saying, like just reminding ourselves how Nicole Ghirardi: . . Stephanie Petry: much grace and forgiveness that we have received and how God is so gentle with us, that should give us the strength and the and the guidance to give that to others. Jesus was gentle enough to let people be honest, even if it wasn't true. And so people brought their questions and their grief and their doubts and failures and mess to him. He didn't respond to every person the same way because he knew what each heart needed. And I'm gonna pause there because it does take discernment. This takes wisdom and discernment to be gentle Nicole Ghirardi: Good Thank you. Stephanie Petry: There's a difference between being direct and harsh. And so it's not that you're trying to prove a point, but you can be a little more direct if you have discernment that that person's able to receive it in that way. Sometimes you have to be a little more gentle and vague with your answers. So you just kind of have to practice it, to be honest. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Stephanie Petry: gentleness requires wisdom because sometimes someone needs comfort and sometimes correction and sometimes patience. So that's kind of what I'm talking about. You kind of have to use discernment and what in that situation is needed. And you know, simply just being willing to listen is an answer to, or even just asking more clarifying questions. You never want to assume someone's heart posture. Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: That's that's something that you can get clarified with with questions. And maybe they don't know. So just the questions might help them process. and lastly, Jesus gives us the model for how to respond when we are mistreated. So that that verse, 1 Peter 3:15, calls us to give an answer for our hope with gentleness and respect. That is particularly challenging when someone is criticizing our beliefs or accusing us unfairly. Or I even had a situation where there were assumptions made because I was a Christian and she had no idea who I was. And so I think we just make assumptions based on what we see on the news. I think we make assumptions based on our own personal life experience. And I just want you to kind of Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: you know, reflect on that. Like what biases do you have because of your experience? And is it fair to place that stereotype on everyone that falls under those categories? and so just kind of think about that a little bit. I've had to go there and I've had to ask the same. we don't have to become defensive or combative to be faithful. We can be kind instead of rude. We can be patient instead of harsh, and we can be respectful instead of judgmental. and so I will tell you that that's not easy. I mean it's beautiful to say, Nicole Ghirardi: And. Okay. Stephanie Petry: and that's something that you need to be in prayer on. As soon as my thoughts start going that other way, I'm I'm trying to remember to pray about it right then and there. Lord, help me not to go there, help me not to say what it is that I want to say. Help my thoughts go somewhere better, remind me of those scriptures, remind me of your gentleness. Our response can actually become part of our witness. And I would even say sometimes your choice of control, which we're gonna talk about self-control in the next episode, but sometimes your silence is also needed. so when I look at Jesus, I realize Nicole Ghirardi: Okay. Okay. Stephanie Petry: That gentleness isn't something that I can manufacture by simply trying harder to have a nicer personality. It's a fruit of the life being transformed by him. So the question becomes: how do we practice gentleness when the pressure is real and our patience is running thin? Nicole Ghirardi: So I've got a few. So first one is Get unhurried. much of our harshness is really just us being in a hurry. Slow down and gentleness suddenly has room to grow inside of us. Hurry is the great enemy of the spiritual life. So cut it wherever you can. Build in a little margin so you are not living perpetually on our last nerve. Number two would be guard your tone. People remember how you made them feel far longer than what you have actually said. So a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. That's Proverbs 15 verse one. Your tone is doing more work than your words ever will do. So before you speak, ask whether what you are about to say is both true and kind. Number three, get it first from Jesus. you cannot give gentleness you have not received. And he is endlessly gentle with you. The gentler he has been with you in your worst moments, the more you have to spare for the people around you. The more of his patience you soak in, the more you have to spare for other people. Number four. Give the benefit of the doubt. And I know sometimes that is really hard to do. So assume the best about the people in front of you instead of the worst. Most of the time people are not out to get us. They are just tired, hurting, or having a hard day, just like we are. So a little compassion for what you cannot see keeps your response soft. Number five, go low. Gentleness grows in the soil of humility, so pride is what makes us sharp. You do not have to win every point or get the last word to be faithful. So choose to be first to soften, the first to listen, and the first to say, I could be wrong. And then last but not least, ground yourself before you respond. Put a pause between what happens and how you react. Even one slow breath, and a quick prayer is gonna do a lot for you. James says to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. And that's chapter one in book of James, verse 19. The pause is where gentleness lives, okay? So when you feel yourself heating up, hand that moment to God before you hand someone your own words. Stephanie Petry: So as we bring this together, here is the encouragement I want to leave with you because none of this is about becoming a softer personality. It is about letting the gentle heart of Jesus slowly reshape ours. So Nicole, what's your closing encouragement? Nicole Ghirardi: If you can take away one thing from today, I would say take what Steph said earlier, that gentleness is strength surrendered to God. It is not a weakness and it is not just having naturally calm personality. You do not have to fix your temper overnight. It would be impressive since I've been working on mine for years, but pick one relationship this week and. God to help you respond with a little more tenderness there. And like Steph said earlier again, this is not a gentleness you manufacture by trying harder to have a nicer personality. It is fruit that Jesus grows in you as you stay close to him. So Jesus said of himself, I am gentle and lowly in heart. and you will find rest for your souls. And that's Matthew chapter 11 verse 29. The one with every right to be harsh with us is the gentlest person you will ever meet. So think of how he welcomed the little children when the disciples tried to shoo them away. He is never too busy, he never too important or too annoyed to be gentle. And he is that way with you. So on the days you catch yourself being sharp, Do not spiral in shame. Just come back to the gentle heart of Jesus. Let him soften you again and take the next tender step. Stephanie Petry: And that's exactly like what I was thinking about too, was just how gentleness is one of those areas that God lovingly shows us that we still need him. And when we do become sharp or impatient, that we need to not let that make us feel embarrassed, but more point that back to God and repent. Of our sin of being harsh or impatient and ask him to bring us in with more gentleness. So that's a wrap on gentleness and our next time on grounded growth, we are talking about self-control when you want to give in. because if gentleness is strength under control, self-control is learning what to do with all of those moments when we want to react. Nicole Ghirardi: you you Stephanie Petry: and indulge and quit or given. So we'll talk about what it looks like to surrender those impulses to God and to choose what is faithful instead. So we'll see you next week. Bye. Nicole Ghirardi: Hi, friends. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, Stephanie Petry: Thank you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, stay grounded and keep growing. Nicole Ghirardi: stay grounded and keep growing.