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There Ain't No Law Against Loneliness · The No Cry Zone

• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: There ain't no law against loneliness.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, everybody, and welcome back to the No Cry Zone.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jim Best and coming to you from idyllic Yauntville in Napa Valley.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk about something that started with a song title.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Brazen Kandor is getting ready to release their next album.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's titled No Precedent.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a superb collection of their songs, many of which you've heard here first in the No Cry Zone.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: One of my absolute favorites is titled There Ain't No Law Against Loneliness, and we're going to share it with you at the break.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those tunes that will stick with you.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I admit it, the more I thought about the title, the more it stayed with me.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not just musically, but mentally as well.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because it occurred to me loneliness is only one of the many things that people act as though they're not allowed to experience.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not legally, emotionally, socially, psychologically.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it made me realize something.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: A surprising amount of human anger, frustration, disappointment, even suffering come from obeying laws that were never actually written.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: People walk around every day carrying invisible rule books.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Rule books they didn't consciously create or accept.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Rule books absorbed from school, family, workplaces, media, social pressure, embarrassment, rejection, comparison, and yes, fear.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually these unwritten expectations begin to feel like actual laws, don't they?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: You start hearing things in your head like I shouldn't do that.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: People my age don't act that way.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: They'll think I'm strange.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: That might not be appropriate.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'll probably be judged.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'd better hold off.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And yet if you really examine many of those fears, there's no law against any of those things.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And no laws against many other things.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's no law against starting over, changing your style, learning piano as an adult, sitting alone in a restaurant, speaking more honestly, becoming ambitious, leaving an environment that drains you, saying no, protecting your peace, trying again, becoming more interesting, becoming less apologetic for existing, reading a new book, but people act as those things require permission.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the most powerful forms of social pressure is this nobody stops you directly, you stop yourself preemptively.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's important to notice.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because many people are not imprisoned by reality, they're imprisoned by anticipation.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Anticipation of criticism, anticipation of awkwardness, anticipation of raised eyebrows, anticipation of disapproval.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: We take a wonderful gift that we have, the ability to anticipate and use it to anticipate social criticism.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of being shunned, scorned, fear of reproval, being upbraided, chastised, rebuked.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it amazing to realize all the words we have for what is essentially social condemnation?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's no wonder how unchecked it grows to have such an effect, an influence, a power, and often such a negative, constraining control over so many people for so much of their lives.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually people begin obeying emotional laws that nobody formally enacted.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I sometimes think modern life is filled with an emotional HOA, Homeowners Association regulations, if you're familiar with those.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Tiny, invisible compliance rules.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't stand out too much, don't care too much, don't dream too openly, don't speak too boldly, don't fail in public, don't reinvent yourself too often.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna get on our nerves.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Stay acceptable, stay calibrated, please stay predictable.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem is this the version of you that fits everybody else's comfort zone may not be the version of you that fully lives.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that leads to a strange sadness many people can't quite identify because they seem to be physically free, but psychologically permission dependent.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very different thing.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people wait their entire lives for a permission slip that never arrived.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're hoping for permission to create, to speak, to love, to risk, to change, to heal, to rest, to lead, to begin, or become something bigger and better, a bolder version of themselves.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And often a great breakthrough in life is not talent, it's realization that you have that permission.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: The realization that many limitations were socially inherented, socially forced upon you rather than objectively true and accepted by you.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let me be careful here.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying every impulse should be followed.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying wisdom doesn't matter, I'm not saying consequences disappear.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying many people are overrestricted by imaginary prohibitions, following imaginary rules, and that creates a quiet misery.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because every human being has something inside them trying to emerge.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You've known that feeling a voice, a dream, a style, a conviction, a level of honesty, a depth of living, that's something more, that different gear that you yearn to shift into.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: But social pressure teaches many people to negotiate against themselves before life even responds.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually that self-suppression starts feeling normal.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's where normalization becomes dangerous.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Not when something shocks you, but when it no longer does.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: When hesitation becomes your identity and when shrinking becomes your personality.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: When silence becomes a dominating part, a theme, your default style.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And one day you realize I have been obeying rules I never consciously agreed to, living up to expectations that nobody ever voiced.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: That realization can change a life.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It can change your life for the better.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe there's no law against becoming more alive, becoming more visible, becoming more expressive, becoming more hopeful, becoming more optimistic, or becoming more fully yourself.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the cost of constantly seeking social permission is simply too high.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we're going to take a short break, and when we come back, I want to talk specifically about loneliness, why people fear it, why they hide it, and why sometimes loneliness is not a punishment at all, but a transition to a more authentic life.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: We'll be right back.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, let's hear Brazen Candor remind us that there ain't no law against loneliness.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: I said in a diner round quarter past two.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: Coffee gone cold, like the words I once knew.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: I was more lonely than a man should be licked.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: But there ain't no loneliness.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, welcome back.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you enjoyed that song by Brazen Candor.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta admit, every time I listen to it, it draws something more out of me, as all great songs will do.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we're talking about invisible laws, the unwritten rules people obey without ever consciously agreeing to them.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to bring this now to the idea of loneliness.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because the song There Ain't No Law Against Loneliness made me realize the importance of the message.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a message more people need to hear.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's be candid, shall we?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Many people twist and contort themselves into unrecognizable forms to avoid being lonely or to avoid appearing as if they are alone.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because many people experience loneliness as though it were evidence against them, evidence that they failed socially, evidence that they're losers, evidence that they failed in relationships, evidence that they are failed personalities.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: But loneliness is not always failure, is it?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes loneliness is just transition.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's what happens when your old life no longer fits, but your new life has not fully formed yet.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's positive and it's important because growth often creates temporary emotional distance, doesn't it?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You begin changing your standards, your thinking, your goals, your boundaries, you begin changing your communication style, your self-respect, your ambition, your honesty.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly certain environments stop feeling comfortable.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Certain conversations stop fitting.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Certain relationships become harder to maintain, and for a while that can feel lonely.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: But there's no law against that.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's no law saying every season of life must feel socially full.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's no law saying you must constantly feel understood or appreciated.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's no law saying growth always arrives with applause or recognition.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes growth arrives quietly, sometimes awkwardly.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it can be painful, can't it?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the great mistakes people make is running back towards false belonging simply to escape temporary loneliness.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know that, it's called a backslide.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: That happens every day.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: People return to limiting environments, unhealthy relationships, watered down versions of themselves.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: They return to silence, conformity, and emotional suppression.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because loneliness frightened them into retreat.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: But loneliness itself is not necessarily the danger.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the greater danger is abandoning yourself to avoid loneliness.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's a powerful distinction and a powerful realization.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think many people secretly know this.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: They know there's a version of themselves trying to emerge a more honest version, a more expressive version, a more courageous version.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: But they also know that authenticity can temporarily rearrange your social world.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody welcomes your growth, not everybody celebrates your boundaries, not everyone benefits from you respecting yourself more.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes when you stop shrinking, you intimidate other people.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Certain relationships lose access to the smaller version of you they had grown so comfortable with.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: That can feel isolating.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: But again, there's no law against that loneliness.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe loneliness should not always be interpreted as a malfunction on your part.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's simply evidence that your inner life is changing faster than your outer environment.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very different thing, and a very good sign of progress.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I also think we underestimate how many people are lonely while surrounded by people.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: You've had that feeling yourself.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: That may be the loneliest form of loneliness of them all.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Being physically present but emotionally unseen, talking but not really known, performing acceptance while quietly suppressing yourself.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually people become exhausted from managing a version of themselves built primarily for social approval.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: That exhaustion drains you.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because human beings are not designed merely to appear acceptable.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: We're designed to live fully, to express ourselves, to contribute, to connect authentically, to grow, to become our authentic selves.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes becoming requires enduring periods when life feels quieter than before.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Periods where old identities dissolve, periods where certainty weakens, periods where you sit alone more than you used to.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there's dignity in that too.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's dignity in rebuilding yourself honestly.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: There is dignity in refusing false belonging.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a dignity in becoming more fully yourself, even when the process temporarily feels uncomfortable.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: This too shall pass.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps one of the healthiest things a person can say is I will not treat temporary loneliness as proof that I should betray myself by shrinking back, by backsliding, by retreating.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: That may be one of the great turning points in life when you decide to go forward lonely or not.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because many people are not actually afraid of loneliness.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: They are afraid of what loneliness seems to imply.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes loneliness implies courage, sometimes it implies transition, sometimes it implies independence of thought, and sometimes it shows your self-respect.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes it simply implies humanity because there truly ain't no law against loneliness, and there's also no law against healing at your own pace, changing deeply, beginning again, becoming wiser, protecting your peace, wanting more from life, or becoming someone more aligned with your deepest values.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need universal permission to become more fully yourself.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps right now that's worth remembering more than anything.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for spending this time with me here in the no-cry zone.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you may be obeying limits that no one ever truly imposed on you, and they may not even expect you to obey them.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, aspire.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Come upwards with us.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Join me next week in the no cry zone.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Keep up to speed with me on UpwardsBest.com and Momentum GPS.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And watch for that new album from Brazen Candor.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: You are going to love it as I do.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: I said in a diner round quarter past two.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: Coffee gone cold, like the words I once knew.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: A jukebox was play song about the grid.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_03: I was more lonely than a man should be lit.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_03: But they go get lonely.