Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Paula Pua - Standup show

Transcript

Paula Pua - Standup show · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you,
• 0:18
  but I know you' re thinking the same thing as my cat when he
• 0:20
  got home. There' s an aunt in cones, that' s all
• 0:24
  right. I tell you, Paula calls me and before the pandemic, the
• 0:27
  apocalypse, my life was already sad. I puked in a tsar once,
• 0:31
  and I was ashamed. Go see a tsara. They see a total inequality
• 0:36
  until they find it. It' s okay. I mean, it'
• 0:47
  s okay. But it was a tsara and it was a first date.
• 0:50
  Eyes on the tip for a period. We were all reed day. I
• 0:53
  felt bad and caught what the tsar is being. And of course it was
• 0:58
  a bitch because on the first dates you go to what you go. I
• 1:00
  was throwing up. I mean, he freaked out, he freaked out,
• 1:06
  he had to freak out, I' d think I' d fuck if
• 1:08
  on the first date he vomits, on the second he shits my chest.
• 1:11
  It is not true that I understand that flipaparouclea, because there are things that
• 1:23
  need to be trusted with someone else. It is also true that there I
• 1:26
  am ashamed of very silly things. There, for example, I' m
• 1:30
  ashamed to go to a public bathroom and let the others hear what' s
• 1:34
  going to fall. So of course so don' t mean this isn'
• 1:38
  t serious. So what I do is I' ve done a lot of
• 1:42
  paper to the cup before to dampen the sound. You make her also that
• 1:48
  you' re out there taking half a roll, don' t listen to
• 1:51
  me, don' t hear me being human, don' t think I
• 1:55
  ' ve come to the bathroom to piss. I haven' t actually been
• 1:57
  there before and I' ve given a lot of time and I' ve
• 2:00
  been knocking on the door and I' m so nervous that I didn'
• 2:02
  t know what to do at the end of screaming at me. I'
• 2:04
  m getting cocaine in. It' s cocaine. It' s cocaine,
• 2:16
  and they didn' t go in there. Quick status. It' s
• 2:22
  but it' s true that this system of mine, this trick of mine,
• 2:25
  has a problem and it' s worth it when you' re done,
• 2:30
  it' s created like a mass of pee paper, as well as
• 2:35
  the mache paper that doesn' t swallow, it doesn' t swallow the
• 2:35
  chain. It' s worth it. They haven' t heard you do
• 2:37
  anything, but whoever comes in later is going to say that you' ve
• 2:40
  fucked up a manuality of enough atac already this and I what happens manic art
• 2:45
  has happened. Shit, shit, by the way, shit at somebody'
• 2:49
  s house. It' s important to me too, I mean, it
• 2:51
  ' s embarrassing. I need confidence. For me, shitting at someone'
• 2:53
  s house is wedding and if I have to look out for more paper it
• 2:58
  ' s church wedding. I mean, this is it, this is law.
• 3:02
  Then they say that on the first dates they say one thing, that
• 3:06
  ' s that we don' t have to talk about politics. Never.
• 3:07
  It' s not a lie. Always remain poetic the first date to avoid
• 3:12
  that in the second ones it presents with nautical ones. True, it'
• 3:15
  s true, of course, uncle, and that the nautical have lowered points
• 3:23
  on the faxometer, that is, they are, but they' re about
• 3:27
  to see sorcery with the braided belt, that is. Anyway, nothing good
• 3:30
  happens, like we' re talking about me and you don' t know
• 3:35
  me because nobody knows me. I' m gonna tell you my hobbies.
• 3:38
  My favorite hobby is you see research team. You like research team. If
• 3:44
  it' s not cool, not the cool narcos, it' s cool
• 3:46
  with an egg. It is true that I do not understand why everything related
• 3:51
  to the world of drug trafficking has to bear the word. Narco in front
• 3:54
  of you, not like, narco- story, narco- boat, what
• 3:59
  a narco- chicken thing to do there, no, narpe tunnel, okay,
• 4:02
  man, you' re a drug dealer, you' re not Batman,
• 4:15
  and when you' re narco- chicking, I don' t know.
• 4:15
  It' s okay, because I think everything Gloria Serra Mola does not
• 4:18
  tell me the narcos peda just like the narcos waw tell me more about this
• 4:25
  issue. I believe that everything Gloria narrates will improve it. That' s
• 4:29
  why I want Gloria to be able to tell my sentimental life. Man,
• 4:31
  you know something like that. We try to contact him on Instagram, but
• 4:39
  he doesn' t want to talk to us. He' s online,
• 4:44
  but he' s not answering us. We repeatedly give him like shit.
• 4:58
  I want you to see this and say so I' m going to do
• 5:00
  it. I' ve got to make my mom some kind of research team.
• 5:04
  He likes it a lot, too. We see it together. It
• 5:06
  ' s true that spoiled lately. She' s getting a lot on Twitter,
• 5:11
  she' s missing a lot on Twitter, and now she' s
• 5:15
  trying to be politically correct, she' s cool not to take into account
• 5:17
  others and so on, but if you know how to do it, one
• 5:21
  thing happens to her, and she doesn' t come out and she does
• 5:25
  one thing that I think is very mother- like, that' s when
• 5:28
  she suffers what she thinks she can be controversial and she releases it equally,
• 5:31
  but whispering it then, example, example, make it practical. I'
• 5:32
  m going to see her and she' s telling me to talk like that.
• 5:36
  My mother is a Dehelio balloon. My mother, I' ve seen
• 5:44
  the neighbors before. The first one the blacks are black, yes, they
• 5:51
  ' re black, but it' s okay, you don' t have
• 5:54
  to srrar that they' re black. Then we watch the teleno and he
• 5:57
  tells me ay, I really like this actor is Catalan. It' s
• 6:05
  Catalan, yes, it' s Catalan. Not an x man no,
• 6:08
  he doesn' t hear you from wherever he is. I mean with a
• 6:10
  black catalan. My mother who freaks him out, doesn' t short-
• 6:14
  circuit at some point in his head. Another one tells me yesterday I met
• 6:18
  your uncle, the divorced one. And the thing is, it' s
• 6:24
  not just my mother, it' s my mother and my aunt, my
• 6:26
  grandmother. Man, you know what my birthdays are like as a family.
• 6:30
  It' s not parties, either, it' s death row meetings.
• 6:32
  Man, talking parcel the divorced Catalans divorced black Catalans. It' s my
• 6:39
  mother with a cape, the Harpotts You know what you' re doing.
• 6:45
  I want to make it clear that my mother is a very cool aunt,
• 6:46
  I mean, she' s very Cooki. My mother knows these people that
• 6:48
  when you are Syrian talking and you finish talking, she screams thanks and leaves
• 6:54
  her cell phone as with an offering, just as you are already in there
• 6:57
  that I don' t know how to keep it quiet, that it doesn
• 7:00
  ' t hurt, because my mother is yes that kind of people like Cooki
• 7:01
  very much. When the machines are revealed. Not anymore, but right now
• 7:03
  it' s how very Cooki, i e my mother uncle in the machine
• 7:09
  rebellion opens him to terminator oh, come on in, paula opened boy to
• 7:18
  see you a robot come meet my daughter. She' s single. Not
• 7:23
  that it is the issue of rebellion of the machines, that no longer sounds
• 7:26
  or crazy, not like they attacked us machines another Tuesday uncle I don'
• 7:30
  t know, calm down I don' t know, nothing happens, but
• 7:32
  I don' t. I think it' s going to be like the
• 7:34
  felis, the machine rebellion. I think it' s gonna happen like the
• 7:38
  pandemic, because the pandemic, I mean, it wasn' t like spalis.
• 7:40
  Pandemic movies are always like a hero who helps everyone, who hunts with
• 7:43
  his own hands. Joh In March she starts an old woman for a Roy
• 7:47
  scotex is. I don' t think it' s gonna be. I
• 7:49
  think it' s gonna happen anyway. The machines are going to be revealed,
• 7:53
  but wrongly, it will be a teenage rebellion. Or you will one
• 7:56
  day deliver in the kitchen and the fridge hates you has a subject to ask
• 8:01
  to hate even houses. He put a pishon on a bucket on me.
• 8:07
  This kind of historical events as you have and because of having created many doubts,
• 8:11
  as idiots of this type. For example, the Magi, that is,
• 8:15
  the Magi were more kings or more magicians, which does not mean they
• 8:20
  came to the Manger with crown, with scepter or like Jesus was up to
• 8:24
  your letter, By the way, I found out last year. I didn
• 8:37
  ' t know the plant that the myrrh is an abortive plant. I did
• 8:43
  not know you alike Mary asked for a delivery one. I don' t
• 8:48
  know good, no, no, no, it' s okay, since
• 8:50
  you' ve brought up the drug issue and it' s true that I
• 8:56
  realize I' m more. I mean, I' m young, but
• 8:56
  I' m getting older because I used to get high so I could be
• 9:00
  partying all night and now I' m groping so I can be toned up,
• 9:03
  stealing. I mean, I started meds last year I started taking a
• 9:07
  depressive mind that nothing happened. It' s okay, no, it'
• 9:11
  s okay. It' s like super normal. But there' s a
• 9:13
  detail I didn' t know and nobody told me, which is that antidepressants
• 9:18
  make it very difficult, not to say impossible to run. Then okay I
• 9:28
  ' m not a psychiatrist, psychiatrist, lose me otherwise. I don'
• 9:33
  t mean I have pressure and they take my orgasms away. Let' s
• 9:37
  not go to the endocrine that deserves chocolate palms, not one every three hours.
• 9:41
  What' s this, man, what' s this about not being
• 9:43
  able to cum, it' s something like you don' t see it,
• 9:48
  like super specific, super son of a bitch, like to be a
• 9:52
  side effect, I mean, it looks more like a curse. Man,
• 9:54
  I don' t think I' m getting any medication. It gives me
• 9:54
  the potion of the bad little mermaid, because I think it' s the
• 9:58
  psychiatrist with a cauldron. He' s got a cauldron in his office.
• 10:09
  It' s already with my orgasms. It was a snail. Oh,
• 10:18
  gross life. Well, it' s okay, since we' re talking
• 10:22
  about taritas and maybe I have a complex, a problem with my tits that
• 10:28
  I don' t like. I want them more, I want them to
• 10:31
  be bigger, but it is that it is a complex already level that I
• 10:35
  like the ones of femen why they envy me that is when I see them
• 10:41
  I have an internal conflict, because I think, on the one hand,
• 10:43
  I agree with you, on the other hand, you envy me. On
• 10:45
  the one hand, eh aunty touch with the cause or bitch lake, because
• 10:48
  it is very cool I want tits like I hate them because it gives me
• 10:50
  the impression that the bigger your tits are, the more important the cause that
• 10:54
  you can claim exactly in Plan Peace of the Middle East and I do not
• 11:13
  read trees saved to the raccoons. Well, well, I just think Zuben
• 11:20
  ' s tits are really cool, because they can claim several causes at once
• 11:24
  not in Plan Box. It' s patriotism, it' s fascism outside
• 11:28
  rosaries of ours or several. How cool, man that remains for me in
• 11:30
  fem in the exclamation, the truth that closes does more because they no longer
• 11:33
  fit people would see me on the street like I, to femen accept guys
• 11:37
  now what little, because nothing I have thought, started to operate, many
• 11:54
  times I have thought for myself, but pass, that is pass, because
• 11:58
  then imagine I will see my mother and see me will be with someone and
• 12:05
  will say oh look. Here comes my daughter the surgery. Thank you very
• 12:11
  much. It' s all been wonderful.