Latest / Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash / #222 Global Leading Sexologist Juliet Allen

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#222 Global Leading Sexologist Juliet Allen · Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash

• 0:15
  Speaker 1: You know here on the podcast Ash and myself, we
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: really pride ourselves on having good relationships. You're fairly in
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: tune with our wives wants and needs. But we do
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: know there is always room for more improvement.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Get real, We just want to work out how to
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: have more sex.
• 0:31
  Speaker 3: Man.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Look, you got me.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Honest question though, Ash, honest question. What is your sex
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: life like? Aut a ten? How would you rate it?
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: That's a ten? It's always a ten, is it?
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah? I'm really happy for you.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: You heard that, babe. It's ten. It's not a ten
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: because there always is room for improvement. Isn't that right?
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: It's a nine point five? Yes, solid numbers all around.
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: Gotta be happy with that, but Matt, to get it
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: up to that number ten. We have brought in a
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: global leading sex oldist this week to talk about sex after.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: Kids, that's right.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Juliet Allen is a mum of three and she has
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: somehow found time to get a degree in psychology, a
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: master's in sexology, and become an expert in tantra.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: She runs workshops, she does mentoring, She's got a blog,
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: a podcast, a sex toy. I mean, if anyone can
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: help us, it's surely Juliet.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Let's do it ass, let's talk about sex. Oh yeah,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to two doting dads and one doting mum.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: I am Mattie Jay, I'm Ash.
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: And I'm Juliette.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: the good, it is.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: The bad, and the relatable.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Every now and then, Juliette, we get someone on who
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: is an expert, and you are that person today.
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: Welcome, Thank you, thanks for having me.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Matt and I don't give advice.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: We're not allowed to because we don't have any qualifications
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: in anything whatsoever. But you do and you're allowed to
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: give advice, and that's why you're here, and we also
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: want to find out a little bit about you. We
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: do start this off by asking a very simple question.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: Do you recall the most trouble that you got into
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: as a child?
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah? I do. I was in the back of the
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: car with my brother. We were whipping each other with
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: do you remember those middle car seats that were just
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: went across your waist yep, And it got really hot
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: in the sun, and we lived in Queensland and when
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: we got in the car we'd just start like whipping
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: each other with it. And it would just turn into
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: this huge fight. And we were driving to SeaWorld and
• 2:21
  Speaker 4: it was a huge deal.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Younger older to your brother.
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: I'm two years older than him, Okay.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: So you should have known better.
• 2:29
  Speaker 4: Yeah. I would have been provoking him for sure. And yeah,
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: we're driving to SeaWorld and Dad was like stop and
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: there was that typical like you know, the hand and
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: we're like dodging it and he said, if you don't stop,
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: we're not going to SeaWorld and we were like whatever.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: I kept with that. Yeah, Yeah, we drove. There was
• 2:48
  Speaker 4: SeaWorld in the distance and Dad just went see that
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: we're not going Oh my god.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would respect that.
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: So now you're a parent, Yeah, how do.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: I get this sort of courage?
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: I thought the satisfaction that must have been, like you
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: have been doing this all the way from Brisbane and
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: so yeah, we didn't go to sea World, and we
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: still talked about about it this day. We're still like
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: that was not okay.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Did you ever get to SeaWorld though? At some point?
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, But I just remember the devastation, you know, when.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: It's in like almost you can see it.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: It was there.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: But you must have been thinking surely we're going to
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: get to a roundabout, We're going to do a YouTube
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: and just like be like, all right, you're scared you enough?
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but he just back to Brisbane or just driving south.
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: I don't know, but yeah, yeah, that is hardline.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: I want to do that something along those lines, Like
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: I always do a thing where it's like, oh, we
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: won't go and.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: We always you always come on in the morning as
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: a treat on the way to school. We go to
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: the cafe and they get a little cross on and
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: sometimes I'm like, I'm not.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Going to get you across on.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: People who have anyone new regals the tropic cross on,
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: which is miniature size.
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: A wriggler.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Moving honestly, are you going to It's actually that's my fault.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I brought it up. As soon as I that story.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, god, you are a sexologist. Yes
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: I have heard that term before, but I don't actually
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: know what that entails as your responsibility as a profession.
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: A lot of people ask me that, especially if they're like, oh,
• 4:41
  Speaker 4: so what do you do and I'm like, I'm a
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: sex holdist and the eyes are just like WHOA, Okay, do.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: You have a lie because it's just sometimes I can't
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: be fun to explain.
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: I just say therapists, and then they go, what type
• 4:51
  Speaker 4: of therapists?
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Can you help me?
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: Because sometimes then it spirals into I've got this thing
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: going on, and I'm like, I'm not in the mood.
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: Pay me.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: But we're best friends, so yeah, yeah.
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: So what I'm like a sex therapist. So I see
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: people and I support them with their relationships and their
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: sex life. Often it's relationships stuff that's impacting their sex life.
• 5:14
  Speaker 4: So I do work with people one on one and
• 5:17
  Speaker 4: then I run like group programs, courses for large wealth. No,
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: that was much that that exciting times over, I'm in
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: the thick of parenting and there's no there's no orgies happening.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah I know.
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but yeah, so that distracted me.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Sorry, So yeah.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: It will happen a lot in this eid to distract you, okay,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: Ash humor is ninety nine point nine percent sexual innuendo.
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: Oh we'd get along.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Well, it's my favorite, my favorite thing.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I was like, you either love each other, no, we'll
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: get along.
• 5:59
  Speaker 4: You can be extremely crude and I love it awesome.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Sorry, April, how do you become a sexologist?
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: So I studied psychology when I was younger, and then
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: I became a mom when I was really young, and
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: then I studied yoga, Like I just went through all
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: these different things that I wanted to explore, and then
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: I studied later on Masters and sexology. So it's an
• 6:29
  Speaker 4: actual postgraduate degree. And I wanted to study something that
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: I was really passionate about, and I didn't just want
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: to be a psychologist. And honestly, I went to therapy
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: and I was like, how can I capitalize on my
• 6:42
  Speaker 4: love of sex? And she was like, you know, you
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: can study sex. I was like, Wow, this is the
• 6:47
  Speaker 4: best thing ever, and so yeah, I studied it. And
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: then I went on to learn heaps about Tantra, and
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: I traveled heaps and kind of merged sexology in Tantra together.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: And here I am, what, sorry, what's tantra?
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: It's a oh god, how long we got?
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what's the umbrella of?
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: So sexology is studying the science of sex. So, in
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: all honesty, that degree was pretty boring, pretty vanilla. Tantra
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: is more bringing I guess you could say, for lack
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: of a better word, spirituality into sex. So like deeper presence,
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: deeper connection, taking out goal oriented sex, bringing in like
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: more breathing and energy. But it's also just a way
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: of being. It's just about like choosing joy in everyday
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: life and bringing more pleasure into life.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: Gotcha.
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: So not seeing sex is like and it's not just
• 7:38
  Speaker 4: about sex. It's a lot greater than that.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: That's great, does it does It's very holistic.
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: The merging of the two is perfect.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I feel like sex is such an important part of
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: everyone's lives, but it's something that we rarely get any
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: help with. And I always think back to the early
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: days when I started having sex, and for young people,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: it was a fucking mess because I didn't have any
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: idea what I was doing. It was terrible and I
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: was just kind of learning and.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Like fumbling your way through it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's it. And I'm like, fucking finally, I'm forty
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: and I'm speaking to an expert.
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: And often it takes people that long to find I've
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: got a seventy two year old working with me at
• 8:17
  Speaker 4: the moment, amazing, and she's like, I just want to
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: have a really great orgasm. That's my goal for working
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: with you. And I was like, fuck, here, let's go.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: Wow, she's like my.
• 8:25
  Speaker 4: Mom's age, and she's so open and curious, but she's
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: never had the opportunity before now to learn.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, wow yah does a story have a happy ending?
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah? Funny ed Yes, recently she was like it happened
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: yeah yeah wow. Well yeah, it's too late.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Make you so happy with the work that you're doing. Yeah,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: when you're helping people.
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: Just have experience more pleasure. Yeah, but not just pleasure
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: in sects, Like I think you know, I work really
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: holistically and zoom out and don't just go, oh, do
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: this position and then you're going to have a better orgasm.
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: For me, it's about zooming out and going like, where
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: can you find more pleasure in life? In what you
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: do in the every day? Because that impacts us sexually
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: for sure.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Well, I know you talk about the baseline and there's
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: a couple of questions that you asked, I understand where
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: people are at. I was wondering if we could maybe
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: talk about some of those questions so you can figure
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: out where Ash and myself are at.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Are we doing the bare in the moon? Is that
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: what you're asking?
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, let's go there.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, if people are listening right now, they can also
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: answer along with the questions.
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah, these are so simple, Like you guys are probably
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: thinking I'm going to ask something.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: Really, I'm nervous. I'm being honest.
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: It's so simple. But honestly, so many people miss these things.
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: Number one, Are you every day kissing your wives hello
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: and goodbye when you leave the house?
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: Yes, kids, sometimes sometimes one and not the other, maybe
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: depending on the circumstance.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: But this morning, kiss my wife when I left, and
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: then I yelled at my kid. It was great.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Do you want just a peck or do you full tongue?
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're very affectionate in public with your not let.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes every now and then I'll just go, do
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: you know it'd be nice to give her a bit
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: of tongue. But then she thinks that I'm trying to
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: have sex with her, and she's like stop.
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: It, okay, So I would say a pex okay, but
• 10:18
  Speaker 4: if you can just linger a little longer, doesn't need
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: to involve tongue. But you know that like kiss that's
• 10:23
  Speaker 4: just a bit longer than they're like, see, yeah, you
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: know that the grandma. Yeah, it's like open your mouth
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: a tiny bit.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: I don't want to kiss my grandma. Yeah, okay, that's great,
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: you tick that one. What about a cuddle in the
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: morning when you wake up? No, no, okay, that's something
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: to work on.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: Why my wife gets up at like four point thirty
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: every morning, goes to the gym. Okay every morning. I'm talking,
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: well done, she's a machine. Drops to her. She looks great.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I think Laura's schedule either she's up early for
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: work before me. I'm a bit of a deep sleep,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: so I'll wake up and I've notice that she's already
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: in the shower. Yeah, or she will sleep in if
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: she doesn't have to work, like weekends, for example, I'll
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: be up six o'clock with the kids and she'll have
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: a little sleep in for an hour and a bit.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: So we kind of don't really have that lingering time
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: in the bed together in the mornings.
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah, which is tricky if your parents and I get it,
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: because if the kids just jump in the bed before
• 11:20
  Speaker 4: you're even awake, then there's no time for sex. But
• 11:24
  Speaker 4: then the cuddles kind of you can miss that because
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: one of you is like, oh right, let's get up
• 11:27
  Speaker 4: and have breakfast and get it on the day. Yeah. Yeah,
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: But even if your wives are getting up earlier than you,
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: they can still kind of give you that little kiss
• 11:36
  Speaker 4: and cuddle before they get out of bed.
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well I'll tell her that I suppose, but I mean,
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: would you want that?
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: But do you want it? You don't necessarily need it, if.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I would want, or have to
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: find out, try and find out.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: I guess who doesn't want to cuddle in.
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: Bed, even just a little like go over in a
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: little stone and just like love your baby and then
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: even if they're asleep, it's like a moment, a micro
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: moment of connection. Okay, that if you think about over
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: ten years, twenty years, makes all the difference, because what
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: can happen with couples is they stop these little micro
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: moments and then they get to like their kids leave
• 12:13
  Speaker 4: home and they're like, oh fuck, I was Yeah that
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: was a hectic time and who are you?
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: And yeah, okay, all right, So Carl in the morning,
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: kiss before you go to work or leave the house
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: and come back.
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: What about at nighttime? Are you guys snuggling cuddling? Are
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: you going to bed at the same time?
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: So inconsistent, Yeah, so inconsistent. There's many times where Laura
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: is gassed, and she'll go to bed straight after the
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: kids go to sleep, and I'll stay out for a
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: little bit longer. Also other times where it's reversed and
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I go to bed early. If we're going to bed
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: at the same time, it's probably something we need to
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: get better at. Is trying to just be on that
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: same Like, if it's nothing critical that I'm doing and
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: I'm just watching TV or scrolling and Laura goes to bed,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: I should probably be able be a bit more proactive
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: in joining her in bed and then we can have
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: like at a minimum, it's a kiss good night.
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, that's good. At least you're acknowledging each other.
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: So many couples just like one of them just kind
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: of goes to bed and the other one's like, oh,
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: I guess he's gone to bed.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we're a bit like that sometimes, like it is,
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: it doesn't be wrong, yeah, thanks.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: It varies.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: I mean, for me, I can't sit I can't sit still.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: I can't go to bed that early, mainly because of
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: my ADHD. But April's up so early, so then she'll
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: go and she'll read. She's so good at being routined,
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: and I'm the opposite. Yeah, but you know, sometimes it'll
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: be the case like we'll go to bed together, but
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: it's not, it's not it's not as often as maybe
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: we would both like it to be.
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't think necessarily we always need to go
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: to bed together. I think that's a really like for me,
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: I really enjoy that. I really like going to bed
• 13:51
  Speaker 4: at the same time as Nick. But it depends on
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: what your preference is and also what season you're in,
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: Like for us right now, in the last two weeks,
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: I've been working later than him, so you've kind of
• 14:03
  Speaker 4: got to go with the flow too and not have
• 14:05
  Speaker 4: like rigid structure like we need to do this, you know,
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: because the sex just.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: Lay awake for hours.
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: Oh that's the worst. When you're get in your bed
• 14:15
  Speaker 4: right they're asleep and I just want to get up again.
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: But should I get up again?
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah I can't. I can't do it. Yeah, I'm like
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: really shattered.
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Well, at least I would say have that little
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: kiss before they go okay, you know, like good night, babe,
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: love you. Yeah.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: We try and do that as much as we can.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, the next one, do you know each other's
• 14:33
  Speaker 4: love languages yep, hell yeah.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Mostly because my wife has a podcast.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: And so it talks about it specifically matches writing it down.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm pretty sure active service. Yeah, service, Yeah, that's it.
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: Wait is that hers?
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: That's hers? Yeah?
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, what's yours?
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: I think words of affirmation is probably up there, and
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I think as well depends sometimes I'm a bit tactile
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: So what does that mean?
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: Physical touch?
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Okay, why do I think arts and crafts?
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: When you said tag, that makes sense when you talk
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: about those micro moments and then when it is something
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: slightly longer than a micro moment, I like that.
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah that feels that makes you feel loved.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, I don't know what mine is actually.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: For anyone who may have no idea about love languages,
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: can you confirm what they are?
• 15:29
  Speaker 4: So their quality time? Acts of service which is like
• 15:33
  Speaker 4: helping out around the house, you know all those things,
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: words of affirmation, gifts and physical touch, physical touch, you
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: reckon your physical Yah. You can do a quiz. It's
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: a free quiz online. Just google like love languages quiz
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: both do it.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, I know aprils is acts of service one
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: d per like that gets a go on.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: But for me. Yeah, I'm not probably need to do
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: the test to be honest.
• 15:58
  Speaker 4: Do the test.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: Get back to me out yeah, okay.
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Because often we love our partner in the way
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: we want to be loved. So if if our love
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: language is gifts and we're gifting things to our partner
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: all the time but it's not landing with them and
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: they're just like not a gift, like whatever, we need
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: to understand what's going to make them feel loved.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: So if I came home with flowers, it'd give Laura
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: the it because you'd be like, oh, fuck, something else
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: we to look after it. Yeah, and then they're gonna
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: die and they're gonna stink and then go clean the mars. Yeah,
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: so that would turn Laura off. Gifts would be no good.
• 16:32
  Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, so but if you cleaned the house, like
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: what's oh my god.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure that is that is number one.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Mopping the floors, would any sort of shore play.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Would absolutely just that's kind of my son's bullet.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah. Once I've folded my wife's washing and
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: would have on a bed, that really got to go.
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah, seriously, I come home and the house is clean
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: and I can see nicks made the effort, and there's
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: like dinner going, he's got got the washing out. I'm
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: just like, oh, this is so good. I don't have
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: to do anything. It's more about I don't have to
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: do anything now after a big day at work.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Why do you think, and maybe there's some men listening
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: and really like to dumb it down, why do you
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: think a lot of people find it so attractive when
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: though that work is being done around the house and
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: it's been taken off their plate.
• 17:21
  Speaker 4: Because if they're a working mother, like your wives are
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: both working and parenting, then I'm speaking for mothers. They
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: are carrying a big mental load and physical Like you know,
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: I've been breastfeeding for five years NonStop, running my business,
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: parenting around the clock. And so if I do a
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: day at work and my partner's at home with the kids,
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: and then I get home and I don't have to
• 17:48
  Speaker 4: like do anything, my nervous system instantly feels more relaxed,
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: and I feel like, oh, he's like made the effort,
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: you know, And then I can eat dinner and put
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: the kids to bed and just feel more at ease.
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: And that's attractive, and I know, I know that's an
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: effort for him, because it doesn't come naturally to just
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: make the house feel really clean, like I like it.
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: But then I'm like, oh, I feel loved. He loves me,
• 18:13
  Speaker 4: you know, like does that answer your question?
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: And doing it proactively as well, like if you're doing
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: it without being asked, it's like.
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's just even better if yeah.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: I think like when April is busy with work and
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: stuff and I'm at home, my goal is that when
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: she walks in, all she has to do is eat dinner.
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: That's so good.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, if possible, if there's things I need, like a
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: two man job, but you know, like yeah, majority of
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: the time, I'll try. Yeah, even if it's like I'm
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: just making the lunches when she walks in for the
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: next day, and then it's like I feel like I've
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: done that's.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: So the job is like ninety percent done. So when
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: she does, yeah, you're then just wrapping up the sandwiches.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, and I'm like perfectly groomed, naked, naked,
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: I've had an everything shower.
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: It's so good. You know what though, if people are
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: listening and they're like, oh, okay, but my husband won't
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: do that for me, then if you're listening and you
• 19:08
  Speaker 4: want your partner to do that, you need to communicate
• 19:10
  Speaker 4: that's what you want for sure, right because so many
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: women sider around a hidden won't do it then, and
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: it's like, well, have you asked? Have you said, Hey, like,
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: if I'm going to be at work all day, my
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: expectation is X y Z can you do that for me?
• 19:24
  Speaker 4: You can't make the guy wrong if he's not doing it.
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: If you haven't made that request, I.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Can't read your mind.
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: I would much rather be told, Hey, if you're going
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: to be home and I'm going to get home, I'm
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: going to you know, after a full day, do you
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: mind making.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Sure it's at a certain level. It's like that.
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: I think that's completely fine without it being escalating into
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: an argument yea or resentment.
• 19:43
  Speaker 4: Okay? Are you sharing at least one meal with your
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: wives every day?
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Yes? No?
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: Okay, okay, so every day?
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: Shit? No?
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: No every week?
• 19:53
  Speaker 4: Okay, no every day?
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, not every day, i'd say every second day of
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: the week.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: Yep, yeah there, yeah, yep.
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: Well. The reason I say this is the bare minimum
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: is because it gives couples an opportunity to actually just
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: sit down and be like how is your day? How
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: are you feeling? You know, because you can just get
• 20:12
  Speaker 4: so caught up in especially as parents, just parenting and
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: drop offs and pickups and school lunches and all the things,
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: and then we kind of forget to just be present
• 20:21
  Speaker 4: with each other and ask each other how we are.
• 20:24
  Speaker 4: And so, yeah, what I get couples to do is
• 20:27
  Speaker 4: consciously make the effort to share a meal. I would
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: say once a day, but even if it's every second day,
• 20:32
  Speaker 4: and while you're sharing that meal, ask each other like
• 20:34
  Speaker 4: how are you? Because that's just the bare minimum.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: But it gets missed, yeah, quite often, Like people would
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: probably have that meal in front of the TV.
• 20:42
  Speaker 4: Yeah, or they're scrolling and they're just shoveling food in
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: their mouth, or they're like they've made dinner, they've fed
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: the kids, and they're like, fuck it, I'll just eat.
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: Like this happens with us too. Nick's just like shoveling,
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: and I'm like, babe, just sit down for a moment.
• 20:54
  Speaker 4: He's like, yeah, but they're tired, I need to go
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: to bed, and I'm hungry, you know that. And then
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: you're just like suddenly the.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: End of very true.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: What do you think is the biggest killer when it
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: comes to the spark in relationships.
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: Our phones are just killing our sex life. Why because
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: we're glued to a screen and instead of looking at
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: our partner in the eye and being present with them,
• 21:18
  Speaker 4: we're literally just looking at a phone more than we're
• 21:20
  Speaker 4: looking in our partner's eyes. And if we're not bringing
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: presents into everyday life with our partner, the intimacy connection
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: is eventually, over time, going to disappear. And so many
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: people are addicted to their phones. It's one of the
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: biggest things that I deal with couples is like this,
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: just scrolling in bed habit and then eating and scrolling
• 21:40
  Speaker 4: and then walking through the door and checking your emails
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: for the thousandth time. And you know, we're so connected
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: to work through our phones. Now there's just lack of
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: boundaries and that's impacting relationships big time.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Do you see that. Do you hear that complaint from
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: both men and women?
• 21:54
  Speaker 4: Yep, I mean I work predominantly with women, so I'm
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: going to hear it more from women. But yeah, guys too.
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: If we're really stressed, which most people are, especially with
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: all the phone usage and the fact we bring work
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: home and all that our libido naturally decommissions itself, like
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: our body goes, whoa, there's a way too much stress
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: happening here, and I'm going to decommission the libido because
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: this woman, I mean biologically, I don't want her to
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: procreate anymore because she's not even going to be able
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: to give to the baby. This is like a going
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: back to the that kind of approach to the libido.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: So do you think that one of the biggest killers
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: of libido is stressed?
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: Yes? Absolutely, And most people are stressed. And I think
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: this is the stress levels are getting higher and higher
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: with the use of phones and the access that we
• 22:44
  Speaker 4: give ourselves to our emails at home and like just the.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: News, Oh that's stress.
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: You cannot watch the news, Like that's just if I
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: watch the news, I'm like, it's heightened. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: this is full on. So yeah, when our bodies are stressed, naturally,
• 23:02
  Speaker 4: our body will decommission a libido because the body is like, Okay,
• 23:06
  Speaker 4: this woman or guy does not have any more time
• 23:09
  Speaker 4: or energy to give to that. And I actually see
• 23:12
  Speaker 4: that for me as a gift. Like in the last
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: my youngest is nearly three and my libido's been a
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: lot lower than usual. But I have been giving so
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: much to my three kids and as a working mother,
• 23:23
  Speaker 4: and so passionate about what I do, and I give
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: so much time to it that if I was also
• 23:29
  Speaker 4: had the libido that I had prior to and I
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: was wanting to have sex every night, I'd be so depleted.
• 23:35
  Speaker 4: I'd be way. So I'm like, my body is naturally dislike, okay, Like,
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: let's get you through this phase and then you'll have
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: more energy for that.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: So stress, it's such a big one.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: That's why. Yeah, that's why Laura likes the clean house
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: because that's what she stresses about more than anything. Definitely,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: what boundaries do you have in your house? Out of curiosity?
• 23:56
  Speaker 4: No phone's in the bedroom whatsoever? I say that, but
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: I we have a nineteen year old and I always
• 24:03
  Speaker 4: want to be on call for her, So I have.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: Call for are you?
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: Actually that's really sweet.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Sometimes she's had a bit of a few medical problems
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't want to have the phone
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: next to me. But then I'm like, oh, if something happens, you.
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: Don't want it to be that one time when something
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: happens that you put it in the kitchen.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: So Nick never has the phone in the bedroom, but
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: I have it somewhere in the bedroom on loud, and
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: I've got that setting on my phone where only only
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: she can call me, so if it's an emergency, or
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: her dad, because she's got a different dad too, so
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: I know if there's an emergency, the people who are
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: going to contact me can contact me. So we have
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: no phones in the bedroom basically never scroll in bed ever,
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: never like bring our phones to bed. And then another
• 24:48
  Speaker 4: thing which the boundaries have been completely crossed recently, so
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: I'm just going to own up to that. But is like,
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: after seven, just put your phones away?
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: You know, it's so hard.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: It's so that's try to do my best word.
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: Well, yeah, yeah, I relate because I'm a bit of
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: a night out and when i'm really creative with work,
• 25:06
  Speaker 4: once the kids are asleep, I'm like, oh that's.
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: My I'm just like I just want to doom scroll
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: with Netflix on in the background.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: Right now, was closing his eyes with.
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: I think that's also honestly, as parents with young kids,
• 25:23
  Speaker 4: once they're in bed, that is like.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: Magic, fucking magic, my day begins.
• 25:29
  Speaker 4: It kind of does, though, if you're parenting, like hands
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: on parenting. And then if they go to bed really late,
• 25:35
  Speaker 4: which our kids don't because I'm so militant. It's the
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: one thing I'm like, it's bedtime. Motherfuckers don't take long
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: because I'm just like craving that time. But if they
• 25:43
  Speaker 4: do go to bed late, or I fall asleep when
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: I'm putting them to sleep, I'm like, my god, i
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: feel like I've lost a holiday.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I think that's the trap that we're in at the moment.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: And obviously we've got we've got three kids. Poppy is
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: now six months. But when the Marley and Lola, when
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: they go to d we get Poppy down, we have
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: a bite to eet, we clean the kitchen. We then
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: got an hour or two just to kind of do
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: one last little like skim through emails and work what's
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: that's done. Then it's like pushing ten o'clock. We're both tired,
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: and I don't know how we can try and bring
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: the spark back when we're stuck in this cycle.
• 26:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a tricky one. Well, you've just got to
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: make the effort to spend less time on your screens
• 26:26
  Speaker 4: at night, and that's just about boundaries or even just
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: having like a set night a week to start with, Like, okay,
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: Thursday nights is the night where we get takeaway or
• 26:35
  Speaker 4: whatever I don't know, or you cook for me, I
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: cook for you and the phones are off by seven
• 26:40
  Speaker 4: or like away, and that's our night to just watch
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: a movie together. It doesn't mean like that's our night
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: to have sex, but it's like that's our night to
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: just have that quality time together that we're missing at
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: the moment.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: A lot of.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: People say, like the one rule that I kind of
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: hear thrown around with a lot of couples is like,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: you've got to have a date night. Is that one
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: of the key criteria to bringing back the spark is
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: having that date night.
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: I would say rewind and first to bring back the spark,
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: you both need to have time by yourselves so that
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: you can this sounds cliche, but fill your own cup up,
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: so that you're coming into the relationship and intimacy and
• 27:15
  Speaker 4: sex feeling whole and like not feeling empty and low energy.
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: And so a lot of couples they set the date
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: night and then there's all this pressure on the date night,
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: but like they're not even having time for a surf
• 27:27
  Speaker 4: or whatever you know your hobbies are. And so yeah,
• 27:30
  Speaker 4: couples actually need more time apart so that that they
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: kind of filling the cup up. Then they come together
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: and they're like, oh, now I can be present with
• 27:38
  Speaker 4: you because I'm not like thinking about the fact I
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: missed the surf. That's the story of my life.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: I get it, you get it.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Interesting. I think I feel like one thing that Laura
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: doesn't do a lot of that I know she really
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: wants to is going to the gym. And I feel
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: like maybe I would have a better chance of that
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: spark coming back if she was having that time to
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: herself to do the things that she wouldn't neglect, like
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: going to the gym.
• 28:04
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, I know with my partner, if he gets that
• 28:08
  Speaker 4: time out, he comes home and he's so much more present.
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: It's so much more likely that our sex life is
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: going to thrive if Nick's having time out. And the
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: same for me, Like I love my work, but if
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: I'm just working in parenting and working in parenting, I'm
• 28:22
  Speaker 4: like depleted, and I then I start to feel resentful
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: toward my kids and my partner because everyone's taking from
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: me and I'm not able to give back to myself
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: and then I don't want sex because I'm like, fuck
• 28:36
  Speaker 4: you all, like, yeah, I'm tired as fuck.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: There's nothing worse than trying to force a date night too.
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: It's like trying to force an activity, like you're like, okay,
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: well it's date night, but you haven't had that time
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: to actually fill your own cup up because then you
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: just you are physically there, but the rest of it isn't.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: It just feels forced.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if you get answer this question,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: and if there is no correct answer, that's great as well.
• 28:58
  Speaker 4: I think I know what you're gonna ask, what is the.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Right amount of sex to have after you have kids?
• 29:03
  Speaker 4: There's no answer to that. It's so it's so unique
• 29:07
  Speaker 4: to the woman after birthing a child, Like every birth,
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: as you guys know, is so different. And what a
• 29:15
  Speaker 4: woman experienced is when she birth impacts her sex life afterwards.
• 29:19
  Speaker 4: So if a woman's had a traumatic birth, then it
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: can take her months even years to heal from that
• 29:25
  Speaker 4: and feel like more open in that area of her body.
• 29:28
  Speaker 4: So the question is about did you say the quantity
• 29:31
  Speaker 4: of sex?
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: Oh, I mean there's no right or wrong answer to that.
• 29:36
  Speaker 4: Some couples don't have sex for months, if like a
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: couple of years, and then others will have sex straight away.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: Everyone's different and like they, I mean, what's the what's
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: the doctor's advice? What six to eight weeks or something
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: like that, and that, like you said, that's going to
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: vary depending on the circumstance.
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, there's so many different factors. But yeah, that six
• 29:56
  Speaker 4: week kind of doctor recommendation is just I think a
• 29:59
  Speaker 4: load of b and it puts so much pressure on
• 30:01
  Speaker 4: women and guys to think, like, oh, now where at
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: this point let's go. And then there's disappointment and there's
• 30:08
  Speaker 4: you know, expectations that aren't met by both sides, you know,
• 30:11
  Speaker 4: both sides. So it goes back to the birth again
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: because obviously a traumatic birth really impacts a woman and
• 30:17
  Speaker 4: a guy if he's there witnessing a traumatic birth. But
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: then that postparton period, I think that really contributes to
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: how a woman, like how open a woman feels, because
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: if she's had a baby and she feels really cared
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: for and she can really bond with her baby and
• 30:30
  Speaker 4: have quality time as a family, then her nervous system
• 30:34
  Speaker 4: is more relaxed in general. And then she's more likely
• 30:38
  Speaker 4: to feel like loved and cared for, and she's more
• 30:41
  Speaker 4: likely to want more intimacy, right, And so it really
• 30:45
  Speaker 4: depends on the woman's experience. Like for me, I've had
• 30:48
  Speaker 4: a beautiful home birth and I wanted literally wanted sex
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: the day I birth. I'm not exaggerating. It was the
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: most beautiful, like sexual experience of birth. But then my
• 30:58
  Speaker 4: third child was a premie birth, so I had to
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: birth in hospital and that was traumatic, not the birth,
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: but the having a premier child. I didn't want sex
• 31:06
  Speaker 4: for months because I was so closed and so like
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: in survival mode of like I have to keep this
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: kid alive in a nikki, you know what I mean.
• 31:16
  Speaker 4: So I think it really depends on the woman's experience.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, at the moment, the type of sex that we're
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: having is very much impacted by the fact that we
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: have a six month old in the room with us. Yeah,
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: So it's quick, yeah sex because we're conscious of the
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: fact that we're going to wake up Poppy.
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: But I think after Poppy moves out of our room
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: and we can kind of go back to a bit
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: of normality. I sometimes wonder how Laura and I can
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: become more adventurous with our sex, and it's not just
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: the kind of ten to fifteen minute like one or
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: two moves. We have our routine. We get there quickly, yeah,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: Laura ticks her box, I tick my box. Yeah, and
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: then we move on. But I'm like, how do we
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: start to experiment a bit more and not just do
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: the same routine every time?
• 32:05
  Speaker 4: Good question, because that's what every couple falls into at
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: some stage, is just that routine of like, Okay, now
• 32:10
  Speaker 4: we do this, now we do this. Okay, we're done,
• 32:12
  Speaker 4: so just get curious about each other. That's the first thing.
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: It sounds really simple, but it's like, I think we
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: fall into this taking each other for granted in a
• 32:20
  Speaker 4: way of like or assuming we know what our partner wants.
• 32:23
  Speaker 4: When reality is over the years, it's going to change.
• 32:26
  Speaker 4: So at the start usually it's more hot and heavy,
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: you're more adventurous, and then this is just in general,
• 32:32
  Speaker 4: and then you have kids and then it goes into
• 32:34
  Speaker 4: like the routine. But then a lot of time people
• 32:36
  Speaker 4: pop out of that baby bubble and they're like, oh,
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: I'm feeling horny again, especially when they stop breastfeeding. If
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: they breastfeed and they may be into something completely different
• 32:45
  Speaker 4: that they were never into before. But because we assume, oh,
• 32:48
  Speaker 4: she likes it this way or he likes it this way,
• 32:50
  Speaker 4: and we don't communicate, then we just fall into the
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: boring trap. And so it's about having conversations communicating.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: It's going to sound really stupid to us ask but
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: do you have those conversations like during dinner? Do you
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: have them in bed? Is there a moment that you
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: think is best to bring up that topic? Like is
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: it during sex that you should be like, hey, what
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: do you want?
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: Or is it like interview style, is there a panel
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: of judges, Like it's.
• 33:17
  Speaker 4: A tricky one. Hey, you're like, when do I bring
• 33:19
  Speaker 4: that up?
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: Look?
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: I do that work. By the way, anal is that
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: we're not doing Okay, do you still like a fingerna
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: enjoy your day?
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Like anyway?
• 33:38
  Speaker 4: Okay? Yeah, Look, there's no like right time. I would
• 33:42
  Speaker 4: say if it's been a while since you've had that conversation,
• 33:45
  Speaker 4: then you could just be like, hey, babe, I really
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: want to chat to you about something that's really important
• 33:50
  Speaker 4: to me, like that I've been thinking about and I've
• 33:52
  Speaker 4: kind of been a bit nervous to talk about or whatever.
• 33:54
  Speaker 4: And they're like, oh, yeah, well you're like just sex,
• 33:56
  Speaker 4: like I love so you've got a sandwich it you
• 33:58
  Speaker 4: want to go I love X with you. You've got to
• 34:01
  Speaker 4: put a positive and then be like, but I want
• 34:03
  Speaker 4: to talk about like what we could explore differently so
• 34:06
  Speaker 4: that we can have even more intimacy. So you're kind
• 34:09
  Speaker 4: of like communicating in a way that's still not being
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: like you never want sex a meaning or what's the problem,
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: because then your partner's going to just go shut down.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: That's very confront and a lot.
• 34:20
  Speaker 4: Of women do that. They're like they start off with
• 34:22
  Speaker 4: a negative and then the guys just like or a
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: woman's just like boom, the ice wall comes up. Yeah,
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: so you've got to start with a positive and then
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: don't do it when they've just like just about to
• 34:34
  Speaker 4: jump in the car and drop the kids to school.
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: That's just you've got to go yeah yeah, yeah. So yeah,
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: you can just kind of gently do it, or you
• 34:41
  Speaker 4: can say, hey, when's a good time to talk about
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: something that's important. I want to chat to you about it,
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: but I know now is not the right time. I
• 34:46
  Speaker 4: know you're busy, and they may be like oh yeah, tonight,
• 34:50
  Speaker 4: like let's just chat. So you can set it up
• 34:53
  Speaker 4: that way too, but it's just do what feels right,
• 34:56
  Speaker 4: Like if it is when you're having sex and you're like, hey,
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: you know, I want to exp for there, so you're
• 35:00
  Speaker 4: open to it. Everyone's so different with how they communicate
• 35:04
  Speaker 4: with sex, and you don't want it to feel forced.
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: But then also sometimes you just need a practice because
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: it can feel awkward.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: Talking about practice. One thing that I would like to
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: be better at is dirty talk. Yep, okay, because it's
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: something that I'm very good talking now.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: But we can practice if you want, go on, I'll watch.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: Are there any phrases like entry level dirty talk, that
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: level that I can have as the building blocks to
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: then feel more comfortable in that space. I know Laura
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: likes it, but I just I wish I had more
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: of a repertoire of things to say.
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: Yeah, a lot of people struggle with dirty talk. I
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: feel like it's one of those things where you're either
• 35:45
  Speaker 4: just naturally it flows and it just comes naturally, or
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: you're just really really awkward. There's never really an in
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: between with dirty talk.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: Because sometimes at the moment I go to is like
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: do you like that? I don't laugh at me. What's
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: what's your You built that up.
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: We built that up, and I really I was not
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: disappointed with I would probably do the same thing if
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: I if I was, what would your wan?
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: That's exactly what I would say. I would say exactly that.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: That's why you had the fucking audacity.
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: That's why I loved because I thought, what you're in
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: my head?
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: This is the safe place.
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: I would say.
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: Something along those lines as well, if if that was
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: what was going to happen.
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: Okay, okay, well that's a good start.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: That's about the ceiling for me, not the start. That's
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: about as far as I would go with that. Before
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: i'd be like, oh, actually, fucking idiot.
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: Shut up.
• 36:33
  Speaker 4: Okay. You've got to kind of firstly not force it
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: so and not think, oh, there's going to be certain
• 36:40
  Speaker 4: phrases and I'm going to say, I'm going to say
• 36:42
  Speaker 4: when she's this, or you know, I'm doing this. It's
• 36:45
  Speaker 4: more about being present in your body, noticing what's going
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: on rather than being stuck in your head, which is
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: the key to any great sex, and then saying how
• 36:53
  Speaker 4: you feel so it's like, oh that feels really good.
• 36:56
  Speaker 4: I want you to do that more or like I
• 36:58
  Speaker 4: love it when you touch me that way, or it's
• 37:01
  Speaker 4: kind of like this. This is the starting point, right,
• 37:04
  Speaker 4: just expressing with your words what's feeling good or what
• 37:07
  Speaker 4: you're enjoying. So if you're going down on her and
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: you'll love it, you can say that rather than just
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: be loving it. You can just say what you're feeling,
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: but not forced. And so it's just bringing more presence
• 37:19
  Speaker 4: into how you're actually feeling in your body. And obviously
• 37:21
  Speaker 4: it can escalate into really filthy dirty talk, but that's
• 37:24
  Speaker 4: probably level two for you guys. If you're just saying guilty.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you're.
• 37:29
  Speaker 4: Just saying do you like that?
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: Then?
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: Because I think where my mind goes of, like when
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: I think about dirty talk, I think like level two.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: Do you think the worst?
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 37:38
  Speaker 5: Yeah, something like that would be like we could circle
• 37:45
  Speaker 5: back to that later. Any LinkedIn phrases and mats like yeah,
• 37:51
  Speaker 5: corporate buzzwords.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, what's the r I on this? Exactly right?
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 38:01
  Speaker 4: Look, I was gonna say something else, and I lost
• 38:03
  Speaker 4: it when you started speaking about LinkedIn and dirty talks.
• 38:08
  Speaker 4: Bring it down. Yeah, I was gonna say, another kind
• 38:13
  Speaker 4: of thing you can do is just bring more sound
• 38:15
  Speaker 4: into sex. These are like the absolute foundations, but it's
• 38:18
  Speaker 4: like bringing more sound, breath, and movement into sex. So
• 38:23
  Speaker 4: instead of just being like quiet, allow yourself to express
• 38:27
  Speaker 4: how you're feeling using sound, because so many of us
• 38:30
  Speaker 4: are just really quiet, Like we're not taught that sound
• 38:34
  Speaker 4: amplifies pleasure in our body and that it's okay to
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: be loud or it's okay to like express ourselves that way.
• 38:39
  Speaker 4: So do that more because then she will pick up
• 38:43
  Speaker 4: on that, and then you know, I would encourage her
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: to do that more, like just be a little louder.
• 38:47
  Speaker 4: Should So what's an example?
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: Come on, here's an example.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: This is a serious conversation.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: That was serious.
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: Honestly, I like that advice because yeah, I feel like,
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: I mean, if from the outside looking in, if you're
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: both silent, it's like, what are you miming or having sex?
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: What's happening here?
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: I'm just trying to do you know what.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: The problem was for me? Go on when and for
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: the listeners, I apologize level of information.
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: I can't wait for this.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: When I would climax poppies in the room. So I
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: would just internalize the emotion, the enjoyment.
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: Okay, it's like you're holding a sneeze in.
• 39:27
  Speaker 4: Thank you really great. Yeah.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: So then at other times when we would have sex,
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: Laura would say, oh, you're being really quiet, even if
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: Poppy wasn't in the room, and I was like, well,
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: I'm just kind of in this routine now of just
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: really making sex as quiet as can be.
• 39:44
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I get that because we closely with our
• 39:47
  Speaker 4: nearly three year old, so I really understand that kind
• 39:50
  Speaker 4: of dynamic. But reality is with a six month old,
• 39:54
  Speaker 4: they've been in the womb so recently, and if you
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: were having sex when she was pregnant, they're literally in
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: your tommy while they get the front row seat. They
• 40:03
  Speaker 4: hear all the sounds, they feel all the things in
• 40:05
  Speaker 4: their bodies, so for them, it's nothing new. Like kids
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: aren't phased by the sound of orgasm. No one should be,
• 40:13
  Speaker 4: or the sound of pleasure, I should say, because it's
• 40:14
  Speaker 4: not necessarily orgasm. But like we're so inhibited when it
• 40:19
  Speaker 4: comes to like allowing sound. But even with kids, like
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: obviously you're not with a three year old going to
• 40:24
  Speaker 4: be like she's awake, but who cares because that's just no.
• 40:27
  Speaker 4: But kids often are so unfazed. They'll just keep sleeping
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: through it. So I'm not encouraging you to be like
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: swinging from the rafters and screaming, but like, if you
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: just let a little bit of sound come out, what
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: you'll notice is you'll feel more pleasure in your body
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: guaranteed when you let sound come out, and your wife
• 40:44
  Speaker 4: will hear it, Like, she'll feel more pleasure because she
• 40:47
  Speaker 4: can hear you experiencing the pleasure. So I get why
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: she's like, why you're so quiet, because then you're like,
• 40:51
  Speaker 4: what the fuck's going on? Like is he enjoying it?
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: And then in my own head like just don't come,
• 40:56
  Speaker 3: don't come, don't come, don't come, don't come.
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: That's all I'm thinking.
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: Like just say something like don't come.
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: That's sexy.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: When it comes to libido, yeah, I think one thing
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: that I've heard often from others is when there's a mismatch,
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: for anyone who is struggling with their libido, how can
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: you increase that?
• 41:24
  Speaker 4: Great question, because this is like the biggest challenge couple's
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: face when they come. One of the biggest when they
• 41:29
  Speaker 4: come to me is mismatch libido, which is so normal.
• 41:32
  Speaker 4: It's very common that one person wants more sex than
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: the other, and that's always going to change over time.
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: Always you know you can't. It won't be a lifetime.
• 41:40
  Speaker 4: If he wants more than me, it will change eventually
• 41:44
  Speaker 4: and flip, you've just got to have compassion and empathy
• 41:47
  Speaker 4: for the other person, especially if they're a mother. On
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: the topic of mothers and they've just had a baby,
• 41:51
  Speaker 4: or even like a year postpartum, like it can take
• 41:54
  Speaker 4: time for libido to come back, especially when you're giving
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: a lot like an energy of like you know, got
• 42:01
  Speaker 4: to serve the kids, got to get the business thriving.
• 42:04
  Speaker 4: There's not much space in the body for like pleasure,
• 42:06
  Speaker 4: and when we're up in our head a lot, there's
• 42:09
  Speaker 4: no space for our body to feel pleasure. So there's
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: a few ways to approach it, and you can't just
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: go down one avenue. You've got to cover them all.
• 42:16
  Speaker 4: So the first thing we'd be looking at your nutrition
• 42:19
  Speaker 4: and movement in the day, Like if you're feeding your
• 42:22
  Speaker 4: body takeaway and shit, your body naturally is going to
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: just go into like stress mode, and then that fucks
• 42:30
  Speaker 4: with our hormones, and that our hormones directly impact our libidos.
• 42:34
  Speaker 4: So we need to be prioritizing eating well. If we
• 42:37
  Speaker 4: want to have a healthy libido for life, that's important.
• 42:41
  Speaker 4: Moving our body is important because when we move our body,
• 42:44
  Speaker 4: we're moving the energy and our body, and our sexual
• 42:47
  Speaker 4: energy is located at the base of our body, like
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: in our sex center, down at our genitols, but it's
• 42:53
  Speaker 4: kind of like chi or life force energy. We want
• 42:55
  Speaker 4: it to be able to move through the body. But
• 42:57
  Speaker 4: if we're just always just sitting on a couch, machas
• 43:00
  Speaker 4: or whatever, it's just going to get stuck there. And
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: the other thing is if we're always up in our
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: head and not actually consciously choosing things in our life
• 43:09
  Speaker 4: that give us the opportunity to just be more present
• 43:12
  Speaker 4: and feel, then all that energy is stuck up in
• 43:15
  Speaker 4: a head and there's no opportunity for our sexual energy
• 43:19
  Speaker 4: to like move. You know when you feel turned on
• 43:21
  Speaker 4: and there's like that buzz in your Yeah, you said that.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: So fast, you're talking about I was thinking back to
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: love languages. Sorry, I'm really I'm in the zone right now. Yeah.
• 43:37
  Speaker 4: So if you know, when you start to feel turned on,
• 43:39
  Speaker 4: you feel the buzz in your sex center, but then ultimately,
• 43:43
  Speaker 4: ideally you want to feel it in a hole, your
• 43:44
  Speaker 4: whole body. You want to feel turned on in your
• 43:46
  Speaker 4: whole body, You've got to get out of your head
• 43:49
  Speaker 4: to even access that. So less busyness, less doing, like
• 43:54
  Speaker 4: more just feeling. There's so much I could speak to
• 43:57
  Speaker 4: in this. Another thing is if we're not process seeing
• 44:00
  Speaker 4: our emotions, So if we're pushing a lot of shit down,
• 44:03
  Speaker 4: we're not communicating with our partner about what we need,
• 44:05
  Speaker 4: what we desire. You know, back to the traumatic birth.
• 44:08
  Speaker 4: If we're not processing that, then we begin to create
• 44:11
  Speaker 4: like boulders stuck in this energy channel in our body.
• 44:16
  Speaker 4: This is kind of tantric stuff, but so if you
• 44:18
  Speaker 4: think about it, like you have a traumatic birth, push
• 44:20
  Speaker 4: it down, not going to think about that. You have
• 44:23
  Speaker 4: that big argument with your partner, he says something mean,
• 44:25
  Speaker 4: and you're just like fuck that, not going to deal
• 44:27
  Speaker 4: with that. You keep pushing it down, and we start
• 44:29
  Speaker 4: this one. We're a kid just taught to like shut up,
• 44:31
  Speaker 4: keep going with life. But what that does is it
• 44:34
  Speaker 4: creates blockages in the energy and our body. And so
• 44:38
  Speaker 4: when we want to feel a lot of pleasure, and
• 44:41
  Speaker 4: you know, ideally you want to be feeling like sexual
• 44:44
  Speaker 4: energy moving all through your body, and you know, ideally
• 44:46
  Speaker 4: having like full body orgasms and all the things. If
• 44:50
  Speaker 4: you've just not processing anything and you're just pushing it down,
• 44:53
  Speaker 4: it's blocking that energy and that's why you're just having
• 44:55
  Speaker 4: really quick, short shut orgasms and getting on with life.
• 44:58
  Speaker 4: So you really need to bring like more awareness, in
• 45:01
  Speaker 4: more communication, therapy, all the things.
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: I have a question.
• 45:06
  Speaker 3: Usually for us, I'm doing the majority, well, I'm doing
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: all the initiating, but sometimes I would like to be wooed.
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: Is there anything that I can do to make I
• 45:16
  Speaker 3: don't know. I don't want to be like, hey, why
• 45:18
  Speaker 3: don't you crack on me once? Is there anything I
• 45:19
  Speaker 3: can suggest that I want to be the not the initiator.
• 45:24
  Speaker 4: I will get her to listen to this podcast episode.
• 45:26
  Speaker 4: I yes, she's going to find out something.
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I wanted to feel comfortable.
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: I don't wanted to feel like she's going to be
• 45:32
  Speaker 3: rejected one or two that she can't express that side
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: of herself with me.
• 45:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well you could communicate to her like, if you
• 45:41
  Speaker 4: do want to initiate sex with me, which I would
• 45:43
  Speaker 4: love because I find that sexy, and yeah, if you
• 45:47
  Speaker 4: do want to, this is what you can do. So
• 45:48
  Speaker 4: you've you can communicate to her if she's feeling confused, like, ah,
• 45:52
  Speaker 4: even if I did initiate, what would I do? And
• 45:54
  Speaker 4: what does he like? You guys need to have the
• 45:56
  Speaker 4: conversation around what you both like because it goes back
• 45:59
  Speaker 4: to the love language is thing that I said, Like
• 46:01
  Speaker 4: one person say you like kissing, and so you kiss
• 46:05
  Speaker 4: her and you think, oh, I'm going to initiate sex
• 46:07
  Speaker 4: with her. If I kiss her she'll want it. That
• 46:09
  Speaker 4: doesn't necessarily mean that's what she wants. So you need
• 46:12
  Speaker 4: to understand what each other like. So she needs to
• 46:15
  Speaker 4: understand what she needs to do to initiate sex. So
• 46:18
  Speaker 4: you can literally give her a step by step. If
• 46:20
  Speaker 4: you do this, this, and this, I'm gonna want sex.
• 46:22
  Speaker 4: Are you open to?
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: Like, that's a lot of steps. I just need one. Yeah, Okay,
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: that's all we would take.
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: Honestly, going back to the question about wanting to get
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: beyond just the quick traditional sex that we're used to
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: as long term couples, and you say, obviously it's about exploring,
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: but if you don't know what you don't know, Like
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: I'm just thinking if I had the conversation with Lauren
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: and said, hey, let's you know, is there anything that
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: you want to do more of anything that you enjoy.
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: If we're both like, well, we don't know what we
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: don't know? How do we expel for what we could
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: be missing out? And I'm like, do I just put
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: a finger in my ass?
• 47:03
  Speaker 4: Like what do I can try? I can go there?
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: How can I find what I might be missing out
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: on sexually?
• 47:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah? Good question because a lot of people don't know
• 47:14
  Speaker 4: the answer to that when they're asked like what do
• 47:16
  Speaker 4: you want? And then they're like, he asked me what
• 47:18
  Speaker 4: I want? And I don't even know what I want? Like,
• 47:20
  Speaker 4: how do I how do you know? Well, you can
• 47:23
  Speaker 4: read like erotic novels to get ideas, Like this is
• 47:28
  Speaker 4: just practical stuff you can do. I mean, you know,
• 47:31
  Speaker 4: you can watch porn together and get ideas. I mean,
• 47:35
  Speaker 4: I'm not a big advocate of porn, but there's some
• 47:37
  Speaker 4: really great porn that's produced more so by women so
• 47:40
  Speaker 4: that it's not just all about the guy and it's
• 47:41
  Speaker 4: a little more holistic. But that can give you ideas.
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: Are there any resources that people can go to if
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: they're getting stuck in their sexual exploration?
• 47:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well, they can go to my Instagram, which is
• 47:54
  Speaker 4: at juliet underscore. Allen and there is literally years worth
• 47:58
  Speaker 4: of content there that I've created for women and men
• 48:02
  Speaker 4: that's educational, and we'll give you heaps of ideas as
• 48:06
  Speaker 4: to what to explore if you're curious. So that would
• 48:09
  Speaker 4: be one thing. I have a podcast which is called
• 48:12
  Speaker 4: The Authentic Sex Podcast, and that's been going for years
• 48:14
  Speaker 4: and there's just like so many free episodes on there.
• 48:17
  Speaker 4: And I've just launched a membership for women exclusively, and
• 48:22
  Speaker 4: so it's a space where women get a workshop with
• 48:25
  Speaker 4: me every month. They get all access to all my
• 48:28
  Speaker 4: foundational courses that I've created. They get a community of women,
• 48:31
  Speaker 4: and that's really important because so many women come to
• 48:34
  Speaker 4: me and they're just like, I can't talk to anyone
• 48:36
  Speaker 4: about this. I don't know anyone who wants to explore
• 48:38
  Speaker 4: these things. So I've created a space where women can
• 48:41
  Speaker 4: go and be surrounded by other like minded women and
• 48:44
  Speaker 4: have the conversations, you know, and ask the questions. So
• 48:48
  Speaker 4: that's another resource that women can we also we'll.
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: Also put these details in the show notes, so that
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: there we have a couple of listening questions. Yeah, cool
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: that we want to throw you away before we go.
• 48:59
  Speaker 3: Yes, I'll start for a long time after sex. After
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: I've had kids, I would suddenly start crying and couldn't
• 49:06
  Speaker 3: stop big before cries, even though I had enjoyed myself.
• 49:10
  Speaker 3: I felt safe, my husband always took care of me.
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: It doesn't happen as much now, It definitely happens occasionally.
• 49:17
  Speaker 4: What the this is so common and such a great question,
• 49:21
  Speaker 4: really course, such a great question. I crye all the time,
• 49:25
  Speaker 4: usually after sex. And the reason is it goes back
• 49:30
  Speaker 4: to that thing that I mentioned about energy and our body.
• 49:32
  Speaker 4: When we're having really deeply connected intimate sex, love making,
• 49:37
  Speaker 4: whatever you want to call it, with our partner, and
• 49:40
  Speaker 4: we're moving energy through our body and it's all just
• 49:43
  Speaker 4: like expanding and shifting things. What it actually does it
• 49:46
  Speaker 4: begins to unblock those boulders that I was talking about.
• 49:50
  Speaker 4: So if there's unresolved like sadness or grief or trauma whatever,
• 49:55
  Speaker 4: or even just an argument that wasn't resolved, then if
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: you're having really eight sex and really connected sex, what
• 50:02
  Speaker 4: it can do is it's like energetically is unblocking those boulders.
• 50:07
  Speaker 4: So then you have this release, like a big orgasm,
• 50:10
  Speaker 4: let's say, and then you can feel this overwhelming sense
• 50:14
  Speaker 4: of I just need to cry and it's just energy
• 50:16
  Speaker 4: moving through our body. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're sad,
• 50:19
  Speaker 4: you know. For me, it would happen after let's say
• 50:23
  Speaker 4: a couple of months of like working hard, but then
• 50:25
  Speaker 4: throw in a couple of arguments with Nick and then
• 50:28
  Speaker 4: throw in like one of the kids is sick right now.
• 50:30
  Speaker 4: So we're like trying to hold space for that, and
• 50:31
  Speaker 4: we're trying to juggle everything, and then we have sex
• 50:34
  Speaker 4: and it's really connected, and then I'll have an orgasm
• 50:36
  Speaker 4: and then I'll just feel like crying and so I
• 50:38
  Speaker 4: just let it out and Nick just holds space for
• 50:40
  Speaker 4: that because he knows it's just me like processing. Yeah,
• 50:44
  Speaker 4: it's really normal and really good sign.
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: Who knew? And orgasm was so therapeutic.
• 50:49
  Speaker 4: Oh, sex is such a great healing modality.
• 50:52
  Speaker 2: It's like, yeah, so don't take it personally, is what
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: you're saying. No, not at all.
• 50:55
  Speaker 4: It's a great sign. It means this woman feels safe,
• 50:58
  Speaker 4: she feels love, she feels safe to open. It's a
• 51:01
  Speaker 4: great sign that she's having sets.
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I've never made able cry like that.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: Well, one thing Laura does, and I hope she doesn't
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: want to sharing this information. We're all family here to
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: the dotors listening, but quite often Laura giggles like laughs
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: a lot after her orgasm.
• 51:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah that's so great. I love that. Yeah, and I
• 51:18
  Speaker 4: love it.
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: She just giggles.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just laughs, just like as this happens and she climaxes,
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: and then as a result, she'll think about five or
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: ten seconds, she just laughed.
• 51:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's just because she's releasing energy in her body
• 51:30
  Speaker 4: and that's how her body is responding. It's great.
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: I did not know this was a thing.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't I've never had that before either.
• 51:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, love that.
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: Wow. All right, So the answer is it's perfectly.
• 51:40
  Speaker 4: Normal, perfectly normal. Great.
• 51:42
  Speaker 2: I'm learning so much to that.
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: After three vaginal births, I don't feel attractive down there anymore.
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: My husband says he doesn't notice any difference, but I
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: feel very self conscious that it doesn't look as neat
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: and tidy as it used to. And it makes me
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: emotional even typing this. What can I do?
• 51:59
  Speaker 4: Yeah? So common, And like I think any woman who's
• 52:03
  Speaker 4: had vaginal bursts will relate to that feeling of like
• 52:07
  Speaker 4: things feel different or does it look different? And sometimes
• 52:11
  Speaker 4: it does. The reality is it changes things, right, you
• 52:14
  Speaker 4: guys know that. I know that, but a lot of
• 52:17
  Speaker 4: women do have a lot of insecurities like that. So
• 52:20
  Speaker 4: just firstly acknowledging you're not alone, And what I would recommend,
• 52:24
  Speaker 4: honestly is just to seek some support with some a
• 52:26
  Speaker 4: therapist and just speak so you have some a safe
• 52:29
  Speaker 4: space where you can really speak about what it's bringing
• 52:32
  Speaker 4: up for you and like what you're worried about, because
• 52:34
  Speaker 4: it's not a conversation often that we have with like
• 52:37
  Speaker 4: family or friends or even our husband, like I'm worried
• 52:40
  Speaker 4: that I look like this down there, So when we
• 52:43
  Speaker 4: can talk more, that's really healing. So getting some support
• 52:47
  Speaker 4: if it's affecting you that much. But then also and
• 52:50
  Speaker 4: it's easier said than done, but just remembering that like
• 52:53
  Speaker 4: your body birth three it's such a miracle, three humans
• 52:58
  Speaker 4: into this world, which is just such a blessing, and
• 53:01
  Speaker 4: our body changes for a reason, like we're born to
• 53:04
  Speaker 4: do this, and so we've got to be bringing this
• 53:07
  Speaker 4: gratitude for our bodies and just speak positively to ourselves
• 53:11
  Speaker 4: and be like thank you, you know that we brought
• 53:14
  Speaker 4: these gifts into the world. And so that's how I
• 53:17
  Speaker 4: personally have dealt with changes in my body is like
• 53:20
  Speaker 4: I look at my breast, They're so different, but I'm like,
• 53:22
  Speaker 4: my god, I've breastfed all three babies for such a
• 53:25
  Speaker 4: long time.
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: That's such a great message.
• 53:27
  Speaker 4: What a gift.
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: What do you think husbands in particular can do. I
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: know you mentioned before about holding space, which I've heard
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: that term used before, but I don't know exactly what
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: that means. Like, I remember after our third Laura felt
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: like it was the hardest to bounce back compared to
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: number one and number two, and I would often try
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: and reiterate, you look beautiful, you look amazing, and she
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: was like, you're just saying that, and so I was like, oh,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to do here. Should I be
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: holding space? And what does that mean?
• 53:57
  Speaker 4: Good question? Well, you did all the right things by
• 54:00
  Speaker 4: just reassuring her that she does look beautiful. Holding space
• 54:03
  Speaker 4: means allowing her to feel what she's feeling without always
• 54:07
  Speaker 4: having to try to fix it. In this instance, so
• 54:10
  Speaker 4: if Laura is saying like I just feel shit in
• 54:12
  Speaker 4: my body, like it's just so much harder to feel
• 54:14
  Speaker 4: good again, you can be like, I understand, and I'm here,
• 54:18
  Speaker 4: and if you want to talk about it more, you
• 54:20
  Speaker 4: can rather than being like, but babe, you look great.
• 54:23
  Speaker 4: You look great, you look great, because then it's like
• 54:25
  Speaker 4: that is what she wants to hear. So if you
• 54:26
  Speaker 4: didn't do that, you'd probably get in trouble because you didn't.
• 54:29
  Speaker 4: But also it's like you just need to acknowledge. It's
• 54:32
  Speaker 4: like I understand, and it's fair enough that you're feeling
• 54:35
  Speaker 4: this way. I not even have to fix anything, but
• 54:38
  Speaker 4: just be like I love you, You're amazing. You're an
• 54:40
  Speaker 4: amazing mum.
• 54:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because our automatic response is to try and fix it, right,
• 54:44
  Speaker 3: And it's like you're.
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: Just saying that.
• 54:45
  Speaker 3: It's like no, I'm not just saying that, but it's
• 54:47
  Speaker 3: like she's hearing the exact same thing. But like the
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: way you said it where you was like, okay, well
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: I understand you might be feeling like that, and if
• 54:53
  Speaker 3: you want to talk about it more instead of being
• 54:54
  Speaker 3: like I'm going to try and fix it right now,
• 54:56
  Speaker 3: because that's just the go too, right, especially like I
• 54:59
  Speaker 3: don't know, it might be a man think where you
• 55:00
  Speaker 3: want to try and fix it instead of just thank you,
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: instead of just being like, okay, well that's just what
• 55:05
  Speaker 3: I've said.
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: That's what I see. But if you want to talk
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: about it more. Yeah okay, yeah, and.
• 55:09
  Speaker 4: Just giving her a big hug and just being just
• 55:11
  Speaker 4: being there, like in presence, like instead of being like,
• 55:15
  Speaker 4: you look beautiful, babe, scroll yes, you know, back to work,
• 55:19
  Speaker 4: just be like, I love you, You're amazing, and you
• 55:21
  Speaker 4: know I'm here and you can talk about this anytime,
• 55:23
  Speaker 4: and then give her a big hug and like breathe.
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: And what you said before about you brought in life,
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: which is amazing, like it. Don't disregard that, don't sweep
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: that under the rug as an achievement, because it's fucking wild.
• 55:37
  Speaker 4: It's the wildest thing ever. It's like a miracle. Think
• 55:40
  Speaker 4: of the joy that your kids bring you and occasional pain,
• 55:44
  Speaker 4: let's be honest. Well said, yeah, yeah, but yeah, it's
• 55:49
  Speaker 4: a miracle what we do as women.
• 55:50
  Speaker 3: Last one from the listeners, do sex drives completely disappear?
• 55:54
  Speaker 2: Mid thirties.
• 55:55
  Speaker 3: Here sex drive was already low and now he's zero.
• 55:58
  Speaker 3: Oldest drive was fourteen. Husband would happily have sex every night.
• 56:02
  Speaker 3: I agree, every couple of nights, but could easily go
• 56:05
  Speaker 3: without completely. I do it entirely for my husband, but
• 56:08
  Speaker 3: he is desperate for me to enjoy it, and it
• 56:11
  Speaker 3: is affecting our intimate relationship.
• 56:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah cool, Okay, Well the first thing here is like
• 56:17
  Speaker 4: I wouldn't recommend anyone woman or man to have sex
• 56:20
  Speaker 4: for anyone else. So don't have sex because you feel
• 56:24
  Speaker 4: like you need to have it for them, because then
• 56:27
  Speaker 4: it's not going to benefit anyone in the long run,
• 56:30
  Speaker 4: because if you're having sex and you're tolerating it for
• 56:32
  Speaker 4: that other person, what's going to happen is slowly resentment's
• 56:36
  Speaker 4: going to build up, and then resentment is the killer
• 56:40
  Speaker 4: of relationships, Like the build up of resentment over time
• 56:43
  Speaker 4: is what kills relationships. And so firstly, stop having to
• 56:48
  Speaker 4: stop and deal with what's underneath the layers of this
• 56:52
  Speaker 4: low libido or you know, this lack of desire and
• 56:55
  Speaker 4: it could be a multitude of things. It could be
• 56:57
  Speaker 4: like unspoken words from years ago, or or a lack
• 57:00
  Speaker 4: of communication, or not understanding each other's love language that's
• 57:04
  Speaker 4: a really basic one, or hormonal stuff like I would,
• 57:08
  Speaker 4: you know, personally, go to a naturopath and get my
• 57:10
  Speaker 4: hormones checked and just check, you know, because so much
• 57:13
  Speaker 4: changes as women that can impact our sex drive. So
• 57:17
  Speaker 4: looking at it from all the different angles, if you
• 57:20
  Speaker 4: want it to change and go to a sex therapist
• 57:22
  Speaker 4: and figure it out. You know, that's what people like
• 57:24
  Speaker 4: me are here for. It's like unpacking it.
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: Basically from a perspective of not knowing enough on the topic.
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: Why hormones so important and what impact can they have?
• 57:34
  Speaker 4: Basically, if your hormones are out of whack, and that
• 57:37
  Speaker 4: definitely happens after giving birth, breastfeeding, perimenopause, menopause as a woman,
• 57:44
  Speaker 4: it can affect albedo, and so it's important for us,
• 57:48
  Speaker 4: I feel, to go to I would say a natural
• 57:50
  Speaker 4: path is very holistic. Get them checked and if they're
• 57:53
  Speaker 4: out of whack, do the things to get them back
• 57:55
  Speaker 4: in alignment. Yeah, it's really simple.
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: Juliet, I've learned it so much conversation.
• 58:01
  Speaker 3: You said a word sex center. I'm going to start
• 58:04
  Speaker 3: referring to myself as the sex center.
• 58:08
  Speaker 2: I held that back.
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: On the tip of his tar since we started.
• 58:13
  Speaker 2: I even it up. I might start call my dick
• 58:16
  Speaker 2: the said center. But thank you. Nice to say.
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: Honestly, is such a pleasure to talk about a topic
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: that I don't talk enough about.
• 58:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, we're honoring you guys, will in particularly you
• 58:29
  Speaker 4: for like actually speaking about like even saying like, I'm
• 58:32
  Speaker 4: not confident with dirty talk, like not many guys would
• 58:35
  Speaker 4: admit that publicly, and that's probably actually something a lot
• 58:38
  Speaker 4: of guys feel shame about, is like I want to
• 58:40
  Speaker 4: do this, but I don't know how who do I
• 58:42
  Speaker 4: speak to? And here you are speaking to thousands of people,
• 58:44
  Speaker 4: So that takes courage. So well done both of you
• 58:48
  Speaker 4: for just being comfortable.
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: So much.
• 58:50
  Speaker 3: Thank you comfortable, But yeah, I look yeah, like Matt said,
• 58:55
  Speaker 3: we don't. We don't talk about it enough. And usually
• 58:57
  Speaker 3: a lot of the time with man that's like, you know,
• 58:59
  Speaker 3: the sex talk so high level, like not not actually
• 59:02
  Speaker 3: any intricacies whatsoever.
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: Is such a sign of your masculinity. It can be
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: admit any fault. Yeah, I think for young men especially
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: it could be so daunting.
• 59:15
  Speaker 4: Oh for sure, absolutely, And so many men have so
• 59:17
  Speaker 4: much shame around that they just can't talk to anyone
• 59:20
  Speaker 4: about what's actually going on for them and what they're
• 59:22
  Speaker 4: challenged with. And it's an important conversation to have.
• 59:26
  Speaker 3: So thank you so much for spending some time with
• 59:27
  Speaker 3: us and allowing us to open that conversation.
• 59:30
  Speaker 4: You are so welcome, my pleasure anytime, Ash.
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: Our wives are going to be so happy, so happy.
• 59:38
  Speaker 2: Not that they're not happy now, but they're going to
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: be way happier.
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: They're going to be ten ten happies.
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: Can't wait to ten happy, ten happies.
• 59:45
  Speaker 3: I can't wait to put my phone away when I
• 59:47
  Speaker 3: get home and just get down to it now.
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: Honestly mean this. When there are some very simple rules
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: here that I cannot wait to implement into my relationship
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: with Laura.
• 59:55
  Speaker 3: I'm going to mown the house down. Would you say
• 59:58
  Speaker 3: you've got a moanable name? Oh, Matthew, that's.
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 2: All we got so for Yeah?
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: Is it maybe I need to change my name?
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 2: Does she call you Maddie or Matthew?
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: Do you think like just honey, honey? Do you ever
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: get called daddy in bed? No?
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 2: But I would like to, would you?
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: I think that's no. I'm not going to shame you
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: for that. Sorry, I apologist.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 5: I apologize it's daddy to you.
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: What about moaning two doting dads?
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 2: Ah, so it'd be more than one breath, So I
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 2: can't do it. If you can joined this episode, please
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 2: don't just moan about it. You can moan about it,
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 2: you can moan at it. You can moan in the
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 2: review sections.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: You can also moan in the Facebook page. We are
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: also on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube as well. Not
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: these episodes.
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 2: You can moan about that, maybe we will.
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, lots. You have a lot of moaning to do
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: right now, Let's get out of here. Two Doting Dads
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: the connections to land, sea and community.
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 3: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 3: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 3: peoples today.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 2: This episode was recorded on Gadagal Land