Latest / CelinaSpookyBoo / Yeah_ It_s Been Hard

Transcript

Yeah_ It_s Been Hard · CelinaSpookyBoo

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello everyone, it is me. It is Selina Spooky Boo,
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: the spooky lady from the internet. Don't yell at me
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: for not doing spooky stuff, spooky content this year. Understand
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I had a baby. I get one free pass, okay?
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna do a lot of spooky stuff once he's
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: a little bit older. But honestly, I just couldn't leave him.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Freaked me out, didn't like it, wasn't fun. We love
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: spooky stuff all year. People always ask me, do you
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: decorate for Halloween? What do you do for Halloween? And
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: I say, I'm Halloween all year. So when Halloween comes around,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: it's like, look at all these posers. I'm kidding. If
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: it brings you joy. do it. But you're probably wondering,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: why are you sitting here? Why are we doing a
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: sit down video? Why do you have your mic? Oh no,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: she's going to cry. I am going to cry. Probably.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I'm going to try not to, but I'm going to
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: talk about what it has been like to be a
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: mommy for the past seven weeks and all the trials
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: and tribulations and a lot of the really hard moments.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I feel like the one thing that sets me apart
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: from a lot of creators is I am super candid
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and super honest about the things that I go through.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: I don't want to just be like, oh my God,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: it's all like magic and it's all like perfect and
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: he smiles and I melt. That stuff happens. But I
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: have had a lot of hard moments. There's been a
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: lot of things that have happened in these weeks that
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: kind of set things back, kind of put things in
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: perspective and I know that I've talked, you know, on
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: the podcast and stuff at length about how I felt
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: like after he was born and how I was so sick,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: but kind of the things that ended up happening in
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: those next few weeks. And it's been a really hard time.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I was sharing Remy on the internet there for a
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: little bit. My plan was to show him for three
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: months because he was just so small. And honestly, I
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: feel like most babies until they're three months old kind
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: of look the same. I see a lot of babies
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: still and I'm like, oh my God, Adam, look, this
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: could literally be our baby. Yeah. But that got ruined
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: and it got ruined fast and it got ruined in
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: kind of like a really gross way that felt really
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: impersonal and just made me so mad. So I have
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: a Facebook page and the Facebook page is, you know,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I post there a lot. And I realized that somebody
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: had been commenting on all of people's posts saying like, hey,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I made this Facebook and this Instagram for my baby. used,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I should have safeguarded his name for whatever, but used
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: his name to open accounts saying that these are his
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: accounts and this is where I'm going to be posting
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: this content of him. And not only had there been
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: one account, there was probably about, I think the amount
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: that I know there's more than this, but I'd seen
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: five accounts that were made just after my son, um,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: just about him. And they were posting photos of him.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: And then they were like doing AI photos of him
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: in different scenarios. And they were like posting as me
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: and like, talking about different stuff. One of them was
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: saying slightly inappropriate things. It was really gross. And it
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: made me so mad because I waited for this baby
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: for 12 years. I wanted to share a tidbit of him.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: I felt like everybody deserved to see him because we
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: all worked together so hard to bring him into the world.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: But at the same time, I know that the internet
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: is a horrifyingly gross place. And I've had so many
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: moms reach out to me over these past couple of
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: weeks and tell me different scenarios that they were in.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: And us living in the public eye has been really different.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: And that's been something that's really crazy interesting because Adam
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: brought it up a couple months before Remy was born.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: And he was like, you know, Remy's going to live
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: like a bit of a different life because, and I'm
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: going to be so truthful, honest, and transparent with you
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: right here. I'm not being like, oh my God, this happens.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: But this is the truth. Okay. Say I go to
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: a mall. Say I'm at the mall for an hour.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I will probably meet 20 people. I'll probably have 20
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: people to 50 people come up. Sometimes it's more, sometimes
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: it's less. It can be kind of crazy. People want
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: to take pictures. People want to take pictures of him
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: with the one time that we went to the mall.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: But I do meet a lot of people and I
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: kind of forgot how that would be for him. I'm
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: sure it'll die out over the years as, you know,
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: everybody kind of fades away into oblivion. I will not, universe!
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I love my friends. Don't let my friends forget me.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: But I want to circle back because this has been
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: seven weeks. We are seven weeks and a couple days
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: into being a mom. And it has been the most beautiful,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: most amazing, most terrifying, most stressful, most anxiety-ridden, most nerve-wracking,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: most amazing time I've ever had in my entire life.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: It has been... earth shattering in the most amazing way.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: And I would do anything for that little boy. And I,
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: you don't understand it until you actually get into this
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: world and you actually like become a parent. You can't
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: understand what it feels like. And my whole life, I
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: just strive so much to be a part of the club,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: the mom club, you know what I mean? And it's
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: crazy to walk away and push a cart and see
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: another mom pushing her buggy and you see each other
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: and there's just this solidarity. And I feel so bad
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: for all the women who are waiting for that feeling
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: because it is It's amazing. It's amazing. And, you know,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: Remy's doing amazing. He's huge. He's growing like a weed.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: He's hitting all his milestones. He's doing fantastic. And his
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: eyes are bluer every day. He's a carbon copy of Adam.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: My genetics didn't fight a chance. I thought they would.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I thought Dark would be dominant. No, he is blonde
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: haired and blue eyed. He's going to be a gorgeous baby.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: He's going to be just like his dad. But with that,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I want to be really, really honest. The beginning was
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: super bumpy. it was really bumpy. It was really bumpy. Uh,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: before I went to the hospital, I had food poisoning. Um,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I was so sick when he was in the hospital there. Um,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: and a couple of days after, and I, the lack
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: of sleep and stuff, like I didn't give birth. I
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: didn't expect to feel any kind of depression or anxiety.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: And obviously it wasn't triggered by that. It was triggered by,
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: you know, being as, as sick as I was. Cause
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I was really sick. Um, And I think the biggest
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: shell shock is when I came out of that, I
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: was fine and everything. I was feeling normal and I
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: was so excited and I was so happy. But in
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: those first moments, it was a bit of a panic
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: because my body was not okay. And I was like,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: how am I going to do this? And that leads
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: into the next part. And it's probably the hardest part
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: to talk about. And it's the part where when I
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: decided I wanted to make this video, I said to Adam,
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I need to make this video. But how
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: do you want me to broach this subject? Because I
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: want you comfortable with what I'm going to say. And
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: it's hard. So the one thing that was very clear
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: was I have to continue to work. You know, there's
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: no mat leave with this job. There's nothing like that.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: And in my head, and I think this is more
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: my fault, I thought Adam would be able to do
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: more Um, and I thought he would be able to,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: you know, lift the baby and do a lot more
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: for the baby. And I thought, you know, he would
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: take more of like that, that mother role and I
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: would still be able to mother role. There's no classic
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: role here, but you know what I mean? And I
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: would work during the day and he would, he would
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: take care of him. Um, but that just wasn't the
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: fact that wasn't the truth of what happened. So I've,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I've said before with Adam's brain injury, he can't lift
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: things like he can't lift more than five pounds. And
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know why in my head I had not
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: figured that out and, and realized that that was going
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: to be a thing. And, you know, he was, when
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I got sick there, um, actually that brings another thing
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: that happened. I got food poisoning again, um, from my
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: favorite Italian restaurant. Anyways, I was actually in the hospital and, um,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: once I came home from there, Adam was lifting him
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: and stuff and it really started messing up his head
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: rather quickly. And I had posted on my, my personal
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Facebook that I was looking for a nanny, someone to
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: you know, watch them for a few hours, a few
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: days a week, which seems totally normal. Like when people
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: go back to work, kids go into childcare. Do you
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? I was looking for someone who
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: would come to my home a couple hours a day,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: a few days a week so I could continue to work.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Oh my God, people on Facebook, my personal Facebook and like,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: like people who followed my personal Facebook lost their minds.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Shouldn't you be taking care of your child? Shouldn't you
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: be doing this? And it blew my mind. Not only
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: is my husband sick, you know, it's not, I'm not
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: a single mom. He still does so much. I want
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: to make that clear. He does so much, but he
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: can't carry him around. So being able to take him
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: to the change table, being able to put him on
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: his chest, I have to put him on his chest.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I have to put him in these situations. And I
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: wanted Remy to have like the absolute best care. People
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: lost their ever loving minds. Adam's here. You can come in.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just recording my YouTube video. Oh, cool. I was
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: literally just, I was talking about the Facebook and the
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: nanny stuff and everyone, lost their mind on me. Aww. Aww.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: What's up? Not everybody knows your story. Okay, love you, bye.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: He cares so much. He's always coming through. So I
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: had kind of put this out into the world that
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I needed someone and I ended up hearing about this
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: place in town that really helps and we had brought
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: somebody on from there who we thought was going to
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: work with us full time but she ended up getting
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: sick and we actually met someone else through there who
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: is amazing. And there's no one in the world who
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I would rather take care of him than her. And
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: we've developed such a nice connection. And I think that
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: she's going to be such a huge, important, magical piece
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: in Remy's family puzzle because it does, it takes a village.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: And I feel lucky and I feel so privileged that
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: I am able to have him right up the hill
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: at the house. And I go up every 20 minutes,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: every couple hours and give him a hug during the
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: work days. But the truth is, I still have to
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: work and It is crazy. The mom guilt, the mom shame.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: I came out of Staples and a woman yelled across
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: the parking lot. She's like, where's your baby? And I
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: was like, he's at home. And she's like, how dare
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: you not be with your baby? What? I am with
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: him most of all the time. Most of all the time.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: So what is the problem that is there? It's crazy.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: I've never been more guided or more shamed by other moms.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: And that is... that's a weird thing that they don't
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: warn you about. But circling back to Adam, it's been
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: really hard to look at him and how much pain
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: he feels about the situation. There was a night where
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: I got really sick and it was, we don't think
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: it was food poisoning as much anymore. Like I think
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: it was triggered by it, but I have to get
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: scoped through both ends. There's a lot going on in
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: my body right now that's not very good. But there
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: was a night I was in the hospital and I
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: had never felt less treated like a human in my life.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I'd always had great experiences at Woodstar Hospital, but this
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: night was bad. And I haven't experienced PTSD in a
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: long time, but for nights after the night there, I
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: couldn't sleep because I just stayed up and cried because
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I couldn't believe how I was treated. It started with
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: this unbelievable pain in my stomach, but it wasn't like
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: a pain. It was like, I've had a kidney stone
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: and this was worth worse. We ended up calling an
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: ambulance because Adam had to stay at the baby and
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: I was laying on the front patio screaming and the
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: ambulance people thought that it could be a ruptured appendix.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I was throwing up violently. I was like, I was like, guys,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: when I say I was sick, it was the sickest
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I've ever been in my life. And I have been
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: sick before. I had never been so scared. And it
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: was really busy at the hospital. And this is another
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: one of those situations where I need to lay down
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: the groundwork here so you don't think I'm an asshole.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: But the last time I was at the Emerge, people
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: knew who I was. And I was really sick. And
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: they were asking for photos, which is whatever. But they
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: were trying to get me to do TikToks with them
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: as I'm violently ill throwing up. And someone else there
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: had called their sister. And their sister showed up at
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: the emergency room just so they could meet me. So
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: I was like, They went to go take me in
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: a stretcher, covered in vomit, poop my pants. And they
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: wanted to put me out in there. And then this
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: is where everything changed. I said, hey, this is my situation.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: The nurse who had taken me over there, I could
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: see immediately. She was like, okay, honey. So then they
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: were going to put me in the side room with
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: other people. And the second they pulled me up, this
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: girl who I apologize that I acted this way. She
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: knew who I was. Her face, she immediately went, and
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: I just started crying. And I'm like, thank you so much.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I'm just really not feeling well. And then they look
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: at me and like, oh, does she know you? And
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah. And they're like, well, sit with your friend.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I'm like, no, she knows. And I'm crying because I
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: can't explain the situation. So they end up putting me
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: in a hallway. They leave me in a hallway for
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: like three hours. I've never been in so much pain.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: I'm screaming and crying. I've thrown up all over my bed.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I can't be in my bed anymore. No one is
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: helping me. I go to a nurse and I'm like, hey, like,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to die. Like, I actually thought
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I was going to die. Like 100%. I was like,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: like blood was coming from places it was it was
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: not okay um like from my mouth from you know
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: you can imagine and she goes i'm not your nurse
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: so she comes over and gives me another vomit ball
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: and i say please like whatever she goes i'm not
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: your nurse i'll get your nurse so it's been another
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: hour and a half no nurse ever came i'm like
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: i am writhing i've never felt pain like this adam
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: finally sneaks back they wouldn't let him in because i
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: was an overflow so he ended up sneaking in he
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: comes he's like this is not okay he's never seen
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: me like this so he goes and gets this triage
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: nurse the triage nurse comes over. She's like, I can
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: give you gravel. I say, I'm allergic to gravel. It
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: gives me panic attacks. She's like, looks like you're already
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: having one. You might as well take it. And Adam's like, no, no, no.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: She starts laughing at me. And Adam was like, no,
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: excuse me. This is not okay. And then I said
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: to her, I'm like, I need you to be transparent
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: with me. Should I try to go to another hospital?
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Because this is crazy. I have a lot of blood.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: This is not okay. I am not okay. She laughs again.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: She's like, whatever. Ha ha, if you want to try
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: London and Adam can't believe this and he's he's trying
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: to keep his cool and I said can I take
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: Zofran she's like no you can't so she leaves and
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Adam's like I don't know what to do and I
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: told Adam and I was actually to this point I'm
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: crying like crying and I don't cry in public I
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: don't and I was saying I'm like I'm like you
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: need to make sure Remy remembers me like I can't
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: believe this is our health care system like I can't
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: believe that this is happening right now like I there
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: was no one else in there screaming there was no
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: one else in there writhing like I couldn't hear anybody
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: else And there was this doctor and he was just
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: sitting at this computer doing notes. And I'm like, how
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: can you be there and see me? I know they've
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: seen way worse. I know they have. But when I
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: tell you that my pain was a 20 out of
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: 10 and there was blood coming from a lot of
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: different places and I physically was telling Adam, I'm like,
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: I just need to go home. If this is it,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: I want to be home and you need to make
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: sure that he remembers me. I'm seriously not being dramatic
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: right now. That is the amount of pain that I
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: was in. Out of nowhere, this nurse who must have
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: overheard everything shows up. She's like, hey, this is for
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: your tummy. Gives me a Zofran because that's all that
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: I literally can take. She's like, this is for you.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Oh my God. After that, I don't know what happened.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: That triage nurse who was horrible, horrible, shows up, switched
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: her personality. Here's some ice. Here's some mouthwash. Here's a
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: different thing. I'm like, what's going on? This nurse was
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: battling with good and evil. I don't know what was
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: going on, Because once we get into the room, this
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: really nice older lady nurse shows up, takes me into
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: the room. She's very kind to me. The Zofran kicks in.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. When I tell you my pain went
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: from a 20 to a four, it literally did. And
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I'm like breathing. I'm like, wow, I'm actually not going
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: to die. That triage nurse shows up. And because I
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: had said that I had, I'm like, I told him like,
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: I have a newborn at home. I need to make
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: it home. She starts talking about that because she thought
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: that I was like mentally acting wrong. And it was like,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: she was concerned about the wellbeing of our child. because
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: of how I was acting. Are you serious? I just
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: spent four hours screaming in pain in a hallway of
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: an ER in my vomit on the floor as you
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: guys walked past me. Like, I have never felt like
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I wasn't even, like, I feel like more people would
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: help an injured animal on the side of the road. Like, I,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I have never in my existence felt felt like this
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: was the end and that nobody cared. Like I was
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: going to die. I was going to die on this
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: floor and Adam wasn't there. And they would walk past
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: my dead body for hours before anyone even checked on me.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: That is literally how dire this situation felt. And that's
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Canadian healthcare. I respect all of these nurses so much.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: And that's something I want to make so clear. They
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: go through so much and they work so many hours
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: and it was a busy night. I see a lot
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: of things and I'm so afraid of the comments that
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: are going to come from this because I feel like
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: I can't put across how insane of a situation. I
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: can't describe it to the degree that it was, but
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: the truth is, I don't know. I feel like I'm
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: going to like, I don't know what I'll do next
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: time if this ever happens again. I don't know. I
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: don't know what I would do. Anyways, what ended up
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: happening was a doctor came in and she's like, yeah,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: it's either this or this food poisoning or this touch
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: my tummy. Does that hurt? Nope. Your liver's fine. Here's
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: his own friend. Great. Cool. Whatever. I went home. I
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: didn't feel right about it. My doctor was closed. I
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: ended up going to a doctor who, um, like a
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: different kind of doctor and they're like we are going
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: to we're going to scope both ends like this this
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: this is happening and you've had this this and this
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: and nobody scoped you and so we're going to be
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: doing that because I there's a lot of things my
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: body that are wrong I have hiatal hernia I have
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: a lot of stuff but that's not what this video
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: is about what that is circling to is that when
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: I came home from that, I was bent over in
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: pain for about half a week because the stomach issues
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: were so bad. I was like this, like literally bent
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: like this for a week. I couldn't care for him.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: And Adam was amazing. Adam's mom was amazing. And Adam
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: like lifted him and cared for him. But in that
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: time of taking care of him for me, it really
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: set Adam back. Adam can't carry more than five pounds.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Everything just makes his post-concussion syndrome so much worse. So
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: that was kind of when it was very clear that
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: we needed help. And it's been hard not feeling guilty
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: about needing help. But the truth is, in America, people
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: have like six weeks before they go back to work
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: and then their kids in childcare. So we had about
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: just over around a month, I think it was. And
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: now we do have a nanny who is at our
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: house a couple days a week for a few hours.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: And she watches him. And she has been such a
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: huge part for our family and such a huge part
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: for Remy. And a huge part of taking the guilt
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: off me because I wasn't able to keep up with work.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: I wasn't able to keep up with my health or
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: myself or any of that because he wakes up every
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: two hours. He still wakes up every two hours, but
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: he's my world and I love him. And having her
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: means the time that we have together is so much
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: more valuable. And I'm just so thankful for him. And
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: He's so worth waiting 12 years and he's so worth
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: not being able to sleep. He's so worth it all.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: I look at him and I just want to make
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: the world a better place for him. I wave at
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: people when I drive and I go out of my
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: way to tell people they look beautiful or smile at
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: people because I just want the world to be a
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: better place for him. Because he is... You. look at
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: a baby, your own baby, and you just... You know
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: that there's evil in the world, but you see them
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: and you see how much good. You see that there's
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: an opportunity that Everything can be turned around. Maybe. Kind of.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know. But you have a belief in them.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: That them just being in this world. Will make the
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: world a better place. And yeah. The best piece of
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: advice that I've gotten. And it came from our friend Alicia.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: In a card. It said. You don't need to enjoy
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: every moment. Because there's going to be really hard moments.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: And there has been. And I'll be so honest that
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: this past almost two months has been the most transformative
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: time of my life. I look at everything that I
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: do in a different way now. And everything I do
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: in a different way now for him and because of him.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: And parts of me get so sad that I didn't
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: fight harder when I was young so I could have
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: more time with him. because I'm not a 20 year
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: old mom. I'm not a 25 year old mom. You
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? And, but I also look at
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: who we were and I think of the babies that
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: we lost and how we would have a 12 year
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: old and a 10 year old right now. No, a
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: 12 year old and a nine year old and how
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: insane that would be, but how I wouldn't be where
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I am And I wouldn't have all of you guys.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: And I wouldn't. I wouldn't be who I am. And
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I'm proud of who I am. And to find myself.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: It took finding all of you guys. And you guys
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: finding all of me. But I can give him the
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: life now. But I get sad of the time. Because
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: my health isn't always great. But I'm working on that.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: And that's the thing. I'm taking so much more seriously
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: now that he's here. But the support system around us
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: is amazing. With Adam's mom and, you know, his nanny
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: who's amazing. And I love it. I go to bed
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: excited to wake up because I know it's his face
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: that I'm going to see. And I can't wait for
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: the memories. And I just, I went through all these
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: moments of understanding where I was just like, it's just
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: not for us. But I'm so glad I didn't give up.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: And if you're still trying, just don't because I can't
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: imagine a life that he's not in. And I want more.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Oh my God, I want more. And it was funny
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: because Adam was like, well, the surrogacy thing, it takes
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: so long and we should start looking now. And I
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: was meant to be a mom. And Adam was meant
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: to be a dad. And the way he loves him.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: And like, yeah, he might not be able to carry
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: him around and stuff right now, but that might not
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: be forever. It won't be forever. I know it won't.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I can feel it in my heart. He just needs
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: to keep working on getting better. I love him. Him
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: and Adam and I just know he's going to do
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: great things in this world. And I don't want to
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: put the pressure on him, but I just know he will.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I can feel it in my heart. And when I
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: look in his eyes, I feel like I know him.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've been waiting for him to come
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: back for a long time. It's been hard the last
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: seven weeks, but it has been the best time of
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: my life. Regardless of what we've gone through, I'm so
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: glad we landed here because Remy is perfect and I
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: wish I could share photos. I really wish I could.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: I do some blurred face ones every once in a while,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: but weirdos on the internet, they still survive and they're around,
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: but I'm just thankful to be a mom. I can't
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: wait for him to grow up here in the wilderness,
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: have another little brother or sister for him and they
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: can be best friends. So if you're local to me,
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: I'm kidding. I love you guys. And thank you so
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: much for tuning in. And I'm so sorry about the
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: lack of Halloween. It's been a bit of an identity crisis,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: but these last few weeks have been a huge transition.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: And I think the biggest thing I had to do
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: was forgive myself. I really needed to forgive myself. I
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: had so many ideas planned and Chris and I were
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: going to do stuff, but it just, it didn't work
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: out this time. But I know that you guys want
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: spooky stuff all year long. So Please just give me
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: a little forgiveness in the comments. Just like, it's okay.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Sam and Colby have been posting Hell Week. We're fine.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: I have a box from them. I'm going to go
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: through that. So it'll be up on Instagram. But I
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: love you guys so much. And don't give up on
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: any dreams, okay? Because when you finally get them, it's
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: the best feeling in the whole entire world.