Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 133: Unmet Needs: When Others Don't Reciprocate

Transcript

133: Unmet Needs: When Others Don't Reciprocate · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And in my practice, I hear a lot of stories.
• 0:30
  And many of the stories are very, very similar.
• 0:34
  So today I'm going to introduce a new character to you that kind of combines a lot of my clients and this new character is empathetic emma.
• 0:43
  Now empathetic.
• 0:44
  Emma is highly attuned to other people's needs she's the one that shows up before the parties to help set up.
• 0:51
  She's the one that stays late to help with the cleanup.
• 0:53
  She's the one that brings in meals to people when they're sick, when she's having a get together, then she invites those that don't often get invited.
• 1:00
  She is highly considerate of other people and what it is that they might need.
• 1:04
  If you're spending time at her house, she's going to notice if you're wanting seconds and of which particular dish she's going to take note of the temperature in her home and offer you a blanket if you're too cold or turn on the air conditioning or the fan, if you're too hot, she is so good at reading the needs of others, and she really loves this about herself.
• 1:23
  She loves feeling helpful.
• 1:25
  She loves feeling useful.
• 1:28
  It feels so good.
• 1:29
  And many people really, truly appreciate her.
• 1:32
  And also sometimes Emma has needs.
• 1:35
  And because Emma has been listening to this particular podcast, Then she knows that not everybody is as good at reading cues as she is not everyone is as good at reading a room and knowing what it is that is needed, what it is that they should say, what it is that they should do.
• 1:52
  Not everybody has that super power.
• 1:54
  Emma knows this, that not everybody has her super power.
• 1:57
  So amazing empathetic Emma.
• 1:59
  Then she has started to recognize that when she has an imbalance in relationship, that it is her job to speak up and give voice to that.
• 2:08
  That it's up to her to make an explicit request that the other person can give a yes or a no to so that she can get her own needs met.
• 2:16
  She knows that this is her responsibility.
• 2:19
  And she's been making those requests.
• 2:22
  And also, as Emma's been making these requests, then she's noticed something.
• 2:26
  She's noticed that even though she's doing everything that she knows she should be doing.
• 2:31
  Her friends still are not showing up in the way that she would like.
• 2:33
  Some of her friends are ignoring her messages completely.
• 2:36
  Others are delaying their response until the job is already done.
• 2:40
  And still other friends are just flat out telling her no.
• 2:43
  So Emma is really left wanting she's doing her best to focus on the things that are in her control, but she is still the one left wanting.
• 2:53
  And she is still in very out of balance relationships where she is the giver and the other people are the takers in relationship.
• 3:01
  So her needs are still unmet and she's basically asking, okay, so now what, what do I do?
• 3:07
  So if this is relatable for you first, I want to tell you how awesome you are.
• 3:11
  That is amazing that you have that self-awareness, that you're able to recognize that not everybody can show up in the same way that you are showing up.
• 3:19
  That it is important for you to make those explicit requests and give other people the opportunity to show up for you.
• 3:26
  That is fantastic.
• 3:28
  And sometimes we really forget to give ourselves credit for that.
• 3:31
  More than likely Emma.
• 3:33
  I know because she's my clients.
• 3:35
  Right.
• 3:36
  She's all of my clients combined.
• 3:37
  It's taken a lot of work to get to the point, to actually make a request.
• 3:41
  So it can be very discouraging when you've actually made the request and your needs still aren't met.
• 3:46
  So give yourself some credit.
• 3:48
  That is an amazing thing.
• 3:50
  That's an amazing accomplishment.
• 3:52
  And I totally get it that sometimes the volume on the unmet need is so loud that we forget to give ourselves credit for how far we've come.
• 4:02
  For actually taking steps to get our own needs met.
• 4:05
  So take a minute right now.
• 4:07
  And let me just praise you and give you huge props on everything that you have accomplished.
• 4:11
  You are in fact, doing an awesome job and the transition phase between who you used to be and who you want to be.
• 4:18
  It can be a little bit tricky to navigate sometimes, but you're doing an amazing job.
• 4:23
  So give yourself some credit there.
• 4:25
  Okay.
• 4:26
  And now let's talk about different ways to navigate the emotions that come up when your needs are still unmet.
• 4:32
  When your friends ignore your requests or tell you no.
• 4:35
  Essentially when you're still left wanting, let's talk about that.
• 4:38
  Now, the main emotions that I see in my practice that come up around this are basically anger and resentment.
• 4:43
  Those are the main ones that come up.
• 4:45
  And so just give yourself permission to feel those feelings.
• 4:50
  And give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings.
• 4:52
  Give your emotions a name.
• 4:55
  And give them some acknowledgement.
• 4:58
  And probably there's more emotions than just the anger and resentment.
• 5:01
  There's probably yes, there is anger and resentment there, but there's also probably some frustration around how to communicate with everybody.
• 5:09
  It's probably some emotions around feeling unseen or uncared for maybe you're feeling neglected.
• 5:16
  And also, maybe there's even a little bit of envy in there that other people have such an easy time saying no, when you're the one that never says no and you keep showing up to help them.
• 5:26
  And it's so easy for them to say no.
• 5:28
  So even acknowledge that, yeah, maybe a tiny part of me is actually envious at how easy it is for them to either delay a response or to just tell me no, I acknowledge all of those emotions and give them a voice.
• 5:43
  It actually makes a lot of sense that you're feeling the way that you do.
• 5:47
  Especially when you're feeling particularly burned out, when we're feeling really good, then it's a lot easier for us to respond in positive ways and just let things roll off of your back.
• 5:57
  But if you're asking for help, it's probably because you need help.
• 6:00
  I know you, and I know how hard it is for you to actually ask for help.
• 6:06
  So I totally get it that when you are actually brave enough to ask for help and your need goes unmet, it is a lot harder to navigate those emotions.
• 6:15
  When you're feeling strong and solid in yourself.
• 6:17
  It's super easy to let it go.
• 6:18
  But when you are in a tricky situation where you are in need of support, it's a lot harder to just let it slide off your back and you don't need to just let it slide off of your back.
• 6:27
  Give it some time, give it some space and actually learn from those emotions.
• 6:33
  Let yourself experience all of the human emotions.
• 6:37
  You are actually a human after all.
• 6:39
  So it makes sense that you will be having these human emotions.
• 6:43
  Now sometimes then we think that we shouldn't feel the way that we're feeling right.
• 6:47
  We're judging our emotions.
• 6:49
  We're thinking I shouldn't be feeling those emotions.
• 6:51
  I especially shouldn't be feeling these emotions towards my friends or my family or whoever it is that you're making requests from.
• 6:58
  Right.
• 6:58
  But when you're shoulding on yourself and thinking, I shouldn't be feeling these feelings.
• 7:04
  That's actually adding guilt and shame on top of these already challenging emotions.
• 7:10
  So stop shoulding on yourself and that will help to release a lot of the negative emotion and just give yourself permission to feel your feelings.
• 7:20
  You do not have to change what it is that you are feeling.
• 7:23
  In fact, most of the time.
• 7:25
  The best way to process the emotion is just to acknowledge it and use those emotions as a way to gain information.
• 7:33
  More than likely these emotions are there to show you what relationships are and are not sustainable for you.
• 7:41
  More than likely all of the emotions that you're experiencing are there to reveal an unmet need that you have..
• 7:47
  A very valid need that you have, so allow yourself to be taught from those emotions, and ask yourself why they are there.
• 7:56
  rather than judging yourself for feeling these emotions, get curious about what is coming up for you.
• 8:02
  In that particular relationship, make sure you're looking very clearly at that specific relationship.
• 8:08
  Sometimes when we're experiencing conflict in relationship sometimes, yes, it is about the current situation.
• 8:14
  Other times it's either that we're really anxious about the future, right?
• 8:18
  We're fearful about the future that if they say no to this, then I can't plan on them to fulfill any of my requests in the future.
• 8:24
  Or we might actually be processing something from the past.
• 8:28
  It might have triggered something that we haven't actually healed from, and it might not actually be about the person we're currently engaging with, but it might be somebody that we engaged with in the past and there's some similarities there.
• 8:39
  So get really clear on what is coming up for you.
• 8:41
  Are you still needing to heal something from the past and that that's making it harder for you to see things clearly, are you fearing the future and is that something that needs to be worked on, but just really focus on the present moment and what is coming up for you and ask yourself some questions to gain clarity, right?
• 8:57
  So.
• 8:57
  Maybe you want to ask yourself, is this an isolated incident or is this a pattern of behavior?
• 9:03
  If it is an isolated incident, then more than likely once you've actually allowed yourself some time and some space to feel and to process, then it's going to be easier for you to move forward.
• 9:15
  If this has become a pattern of behavior in the relationship where you're constantly there for them, but they're not reciprocating.
• 9:21
  Just take note of that and also use that as information to help to be your compass and your guide moving forward.
• 9:28
  And ask yourself those challenging questions.
• 9:30
  For example, ask yourself.
• 9:32
  If things do not change, is this a relationship that I still want to work with?
• 9:36
  Is this a relationship I will still want to maintain?
• 9:39
  And maybe the answer is yes.
• 9:40
  And maybe the answer is no.
• 9:41
  Only you get to decide that.
• 9:43
  I'm never going to tell you who you can and cannot be in relationship with, but simply asking yourself that question.
• 9:49
  Do I still want to be in this relationship if this need is unmet?
• 9:52
  Can give you so much information and it can help you to step out of that victim hood.
• 9:56
  And remind yourself that you do actually have a choice in this relationship.
• 10:01
  The for right now, you're choosing to stay.
• 10:04
  It is actually a choice.
• 10:05
  You're not stuck.
• 10:06
  Sometimes when our needs are unmet, we feel that victim story and we feel like we are stuck and that we can't change anything.
• 10:12
  But simply reminding yourself that you do in fact, have a choice.
• 10:15
  And that you're choosing in this moment to stay, can really help to shift that energy and help you to stand more in that empowered space.
• 10:24
  So ultimately, what is more than likely happening for you is that you have made a silent contract in your head that the other person is not privy to.
• 10:32
  You've written this contract in your head saying that because I have shown up for them in these ways, then they are contractually obligated to show up for me in kind but we've never shared this contract with them they haven't actually signed anything, but we have this unspoken agreement in our mind.
• 10:50
  And that can create a lot of inner turmoil for us and I also want to point out that more than likely you do know and understand the other people are not going to be showing up to the same level that you are.
• 11:01
  The people that listen to this podcast are really good at showing up really well for other people.
• 11:07
  And they would never ask anyone to do as much for them as they do for other people.
• 11:12
  It's just not in their nature.
• 11:14
  But this doesn't mean that we don't still have those contracts.
• 11:16
  Right.
• 11:16
  So we might not have the expectation that they're going to do the same thing for us.
• 11:20
  We are going to have slightly different expectations of them.
• 11:23
  But we may still have the expectation that no, if I'm going to be in relationship with you, bare minimum this is what I need from you in return.
• 11:30
  And that's not always a bad thing.
• 11:32
  It's just there to give us that information to let us know where it is that we want to choose to intentionally invest our time and our energy.
• 11:40
  There is nothing wrong with having the expectation.
• 11:44
  Of reciprocation or having the expectation that something will be brought back in return.
• 11:49
  It only becomes a problem when you're thinking that the other person should be different than who they are.
• 11:55
  But when we're thinking that people should be different than who they actually are, it is super hard to love them.
• 12:01
  Because we're not actually loving them.
• 12:03
  We're loving who we think that they should be.
• 12:06
  And ultimately when we're not accepting people as they are, we're not accepting things as they are.
• 12:11
  And we're essentially creating and perpetuating our own disappointment, because we're thinking that things should be different.
• 12:21
  Does that make sense?
• 12:22
  So when we're thinking that things should be different rather than accepting what is it makes it a lot harder for us to then create needed change.
• 12:30
  Instead we think no, everybody else needs to change around me, even though they've shown me that this is a pattern of behavior, and I know they're not going to change.
• 12:37
  I'm still going to keep holding onto that hope that they will change so that I don't have to change.
• 12:42
  Right.
• 12:42
  Because change is uncomfortable.
• 12:44
  We don't want to have to do that.
• 12:45
  I also want to point out that when we're upset that someone else isn't changing, then we are also not changing.
• 12:54
  We're judging them for the same thing that we're doing.
• 12:56
  We're thinking they should be different.
• 12:59
  They should change, but we're still continuing to show up in the same way, even though we know how it is that they're going to respond.
• 13:06
  So if we keep thinking that"well, if I keep showing up for them, Then they'll start to show up for me", or"if I keep modeling what I would like them to do, then they will start to show up for me in those ways." But I want to remind you that they are not you.
• 13:23
  They may or may not respond in the way that you do.
• 13:27
  And thinking that they should be you.
• 13:29
  Then again, that's just perpetuating your own disappointment.
• 13:34
  Life is 50 50.
• 13:36
  It's 50% positive and 50% negative.
• 13:39
  And this means that sometimes we're going to be disappointed simply because that is a part of the human experience.
• 13:47
  And while we might think that if we're doing everything right, or if other people are doing everything right, that we'll never experience disappointment, that's actually a lie that we tell ourselves, we cannot avoid disappointment in life, but we can learn to navigate our own disappointment, which is actually going to help to reduce our own discomfort.
• 14:07
  Because at the very least we're letting go of resistance thinking that we shouldn't be disappointed, right.
• 14:12
  We cannot eliminate disappointment completely, but we can lessen our disappoint by just radically accepting that, oh, this is the 50% of life that doesn't feel very good.
• 14:22
  That it's okay for me to be disappointed that my needs aren't being met.
• 14:25
  It's okay for me to be disappointed when I recognize an imbalance in relationship.
• 14:30
  That's okay.
• 14:31
  That's part of the human experience and I'm just going to let myself be disappointed.
• 14:35
  I don't have to judge that in myself.
• 14:37
  I don't have to resist it.
• 14:39
  I can just be disappointed and that's okay.
• 14:45
  So after you've taken the time to feel all of your feelings, then you can start to ask yourself some questions and this will help your prefrontal cortex to come back online.
• 14:54
  So that you can see what things are in your control because when we're emotionally triggered, prefrontal cortex is offline, right?
• 14:59
  Instead we're in fight flight freeze or fawn, where if we're in fight mode, we're really angry and resentful.
• 15:05
  Or if we're in fawning mode, we're thinking, well, I just need to do more for them so that then they'll start to show up for me.
• 15:11
  Right.
• 15:11
  It creates that people pleasing response.
• 15:12
  So just kind of notice what's coming up for you.
• 15:15
  See if you can step out of that fight flight freeze or fawn response, and this will help you to remind yourself of what things are actually in your control and asking yourself questions is a great way to do that.
• 15:26
  So it really can be as simple as asking yourself the question what is actually in my control to change right now?" And this one can be a harder one to answer when you are in that fight flight freeze or fawn response, but just try asking yourself the question and see what happens.
• 15:39
  And if you are still in that fight flight freeze or fawn response, just take the time to tend and befriend yourself.
• 15:45
  Sit with yourself, acknowledge that, Hey, I can understand why you feel that way.
• 15:50
  And it's okay to feel that way, nurture those feelings first.
• 15:53
  And then you can step in and ask yourself these questions to help you to create that lasting change.
• 15:59
  So some other questions that you could ask are, are there other people that I could ask for help right now?
• 16:03
  Right now, I'm really upset that this person told me no.
• 16:05
  Or that this person didn't show up in the way that I would have liked.
• 16:09
  Is there someone else that I could call.
• 16:11
  Yeah.
• 16:11
  I was hoping that they would help me, but since they're not able to help me or since they're not returning my call or since they said no, is there somebody else that I could call?
• 16:19
  This will help your brain to come back online and work to problem solve.
• 16:23
  You can also use this as an opportunity to see where you might actually be contributing to further imbalance.
• 16:30
  Because of it is actually true that you do a lot for them and that they're constantly unwilling to show up for you, make note of that and be the change.
• 16:41
  So, for example, maybe you want to take some time for you when you need it to fill your own needs rather than jumping in really quickly to fulfill other people's needs.
• 16:50
  It's up to you to set those boundaries to prevent your own burnout.
• 16:55
  And sometimes in order to create a bit more balance in relationship, it is vital to say, no, it is vital to fulfill your own needs.
• 17:03
  Also notice your own energy level and treat yourself accordingly.
• 17:08
  Stop self-sacrificing for others when you know, it's only going to lead to further burnout and more resentment.
• 17:16
  Maybe you want to just be offline for awhile.
• 17:20
  You do not need to respond immediately to a request.
• 17:23
  It's okay to turn your phone off.
• 17:25
  Use technology to help you to set your boundaries.
• 17:27
  Just turn on that.
• 17:28
  Do not disturb or turn off your red notifications via text.
• 17:32
  Give yourself some time to just process your emotions and think about how you can show up with a more whole heart.
• 17:40
  Sometimes we think we have to say yes right away, but most of the time that's to avoid our own discomfort.
• 17:45
  It's okay to sit with it for a little minute.
• 17:47
  Maybe you want to even set some personal boundaries that when someone makes a request of me, I'm going to wait for 20 minutes before I respond.
• 17:55
  This will give me time to decide if I can give it a wholehearted yes or not.
• 17:59
  It will give me time to look at my schedule and assess my personal energy to see if I can help them or not.
• 18:04
  And it will also give them 20 minutes to think about who else might be able to help if I need to say no.
• 18:12
  It can help to alleviate a significant amount of pressure.
• 18:15
  So maybe that's something you want to do is just give yourself 20 minutes.
• 18:18
  Before responding before jumping in to save someone else.
• 18:21
  When somebody does tell you"no" part of you is going to experience that resistance, right?
• 18:25
  Because of course we are, of course, we're gonna experience that resistance because we want our needs to be met.
• 18:30
  And also when somebody tells you no.
• 18:33
  Also notice that, wow.
• 18:34
  It's okay to say no.
• 18:36
  Somebody said no to me.
• 18:37
  It gives me permission specifically in this relationship.
• 18:40
  To say no.
• 18:41
  When I need to say no.
• 18:44
  And not only is it okay for you to say no, but it's also okay for you to look at those individual relationships and see, okay, where am I experiencing resentment?
• 18:53
  Maybe I do need to say some nos in that relationship for a while.
• 18:56
  And also look for those relationships where you want to intentionally say yes, take some time and energy to intentionally invest into those relationships that do reciprocate.
• 19:10
  It is amazing how many people invest a significant amount of time and energy into the very people that we really wish were different.
• 19:19
  For example, when someone is really needy and we're investing a lot into that particular relationship, we have this silent expectation that now that person specifically needs to invest in to me.
• 19:31
  And maybe they are willing, maybe they aren't willing, but use all of that as information.
• 19:35
  Assess where it is that you have the highest expectations and then adjust your expectations accordingly.
• 19:41
  I've talked to her on the podcast before about relationships circles and how that really impacts our expectations.
• 19:47
  I'll just kind of do a brief summary of that, But go and check out that episode if you're interested, but essentially, as we are engaging in relationship with people, just notice where your expectations are.
• 19:56
  The people that are in the center of our bullseye, the people that we're the closest to also have the highest expectations.
• 20:03
  They're the ones we expect the most from there are intimate circle.
• 20:08
  The people just outside of that are more of the casual acquaintances.
• 20:11
  The expectations are not as high there.
• 20:13
  And then as you move outward, then it's strangers on the street.
• 20:15
  The mail delivery person or the cashier at the store, we have fewer and fewer expectations moving outward, but sometimes we tend to put people in the center of our bullseye, where we have the highest level of expectations when really we should adjust our expectations accordingly and move them outward in our circle and invest accordingly to help us to minimize that resentment.
• 20:39
  I also want to remind you that it is totally okay, and in fact, highly encouraged to build a community.
• 20:46
  Do not put all of your eggs in one basket, build a community of people that you could turn to for different things.
• 20:53
  It might be the case that you're feeling super burned out because you are, everyone's go to person.
• 20:58
  They have decided to put all of their eggs into one basket and guess what?
• 21:02
  You are that basket?
• 21:04
  They say, oh yeah, they can totally do that.
• 21:06
  Empathetic Emma, she can do anything.
• 21:08
  She's so amazing.
• 21:10
  You have probably become their go-to for a lot of things.
• 21:13
  And as you know, that tends to burn somebody out.
• 21:17
  So just notice that for yourself, if you are expecting a lot from one person and kind of shared the load, spread it out, build a community, ask other people.
• 21:25
  There are probably people in your life right now.
• 21:28
  that are very eager and willing to help out, but you've never even considered asking them because you've misattributed your mental load and where it is that you want your expectations to be met, your needs to be met.
• 21:39
  You've assigned that to somebody that's not fulfilling your needs.
• 21:42
  And I get it that emotionally and energetically, we really inflate that and we think no, but they really need to, so I'm going to keep investing and keep showing them, how does I want them to show up for me, but just notice that and reassess those relationships and really worked to see them more clearly so that you can see where you can get a return on your investment and where you can turn to get your needs met, because it's probably not all the same person.
• 22:05
  There's probably a lot of people that are going to feel very different needs for you.
• 22:08
  And that's okay.
• 22:10
  Work to build your community.
• 22:13
  Also remember that any time that you say yes to something you are simultaneously saying no to something else and do not let the thing that you were saying"no" to be your own peace and your own well being, it's simply not worth it.
• 22:29
  It is okay for you to say no.
• 22:32
  And one of the reasons why you're probably feeling so resentful is because you are feeling obligated to always say yes, And you are simultaneously saying no to your own needs.
• 22:42
  So take ownership of that and practicing no to the things that you know are going to lead to more burnout and more stress in your life.
• 22:50
  You cannot pour from an empty cup and you need to put your own air mask on first.
• 22:55
  Right?
• 22:55
  We talk about this culturally.
• 22:57
  We need to do those things.
• 22:58
  So take care of you so that you can show up with a whole heart when you choose to show up.
• 23:05
  So the bottom line is it's okay to be disappointed.
• 23:08
  Disappointment is a part of life.
• 23:10
  Don't make yourself even more miserable thinking that you shouldn't be upset.
• 23:15
  And if you need some help navigating these out of balance relationships, come and work with me.
• 23:20
  You get to choose where it is that you want to invest your time and energy.
• 23:23
  And I can help you to see things a little bit more clearly and recognize where it is that you're choosing to invest and see if that's where you want to continue to invest or if you want to mix things up, I can help you learn how to set boundaries so that you can feel more peace and balance within you.
• 23:38
  So if this appeals to you come and work with me, my schedule is filling up very quickly.
• 23:42
  I currently have a waitlist.
• 23:44
  So if you would like to get in sooner rather than later, reach out and let me know, and I can put you on my wait list.
• 23:50
  All right.
• 23:50
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 23:52
  Bye now.