Latest / 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids. / Debunking the Myths of Adoption with Special Guest Katie Smith

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Debunking the Myths of Adoption with Special Guest Katie Smith · 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to another episode of the Five Minute Parenting Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your host, Karen Ferguson, wife, mom, grandmom, and children's book author with a background in K-8 education and a passion for equipping parents to raise confident and God-confident kids.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: In this podcast, we'll cover parenting practices for both a practical view and a biblical view.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: Our goal is to help you raise kids with a positive, godly self-image so they can become all they were created to be.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: I know you're busy, so we'll keep it short.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: Let's take just five minutes and dive in.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_02: Today I have a very special guest on the show, Katie Smith, who will be sharing her foster care and adoption experience in a three-part series.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Katie is a freelance editor and writer in South Carolina.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: She is an adoption and foster care advocate and handles the marketing for an adoption attorney.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: When Katie isn't working as senior editor for Ambassador International or writing her next book, she is busy homeschooling her three kids, spending time with her family outdoors, or enjoying a good book and a cup of coffee on her porch swing.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: Katie is the author of the children's adoption book, Why Did You Choose Me?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: And she loves to share with others the joy she has found as a foster and adoptive mom.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: Katie, welcome back to the show.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate it.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: For for you listeners who were not able to hear the first in this three-part series, I highly recommend going back to set to episode one of this series as Katie shared with us her adoption and foster care story, which was fascinating and just an encouraging word about God's faithfulness and provision when we step out to serve Him and love others.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: And so again, thank you for being back.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: I know today you're going to be talking about debunking the myths of adoption.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: So please jump right in and share with our listeners.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is something I can't afford.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I just I just wanted to talk a little bit about um if you are going to adopt, you need to just get immersed in the adoption community and ask questions because everybody is scared of the unknown.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And um so so talking about some of the myths is a really important topic.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um the the first one is the financial part.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: People think that there is absolutely no way that they can afford adoption.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I will tell you, I shared in my story a little bit that we were living paycheck to paycheck.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: When we approached our family about the fact that we wanted to adopt, they thought we were crazy because we didn't have any money.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it everybody thinks like, oh, well, then you can just go through foster care.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and a lot of people can adopt through foster care, but foster care has its own risk, it has um a potential um for disruptions because you know the point of foster care is really reunification with the biological family.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and when a child is available for adoption, it can take two to three years before the that can go through.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um so so while a lot of people say, well, yeah, that's how you can afford adoption, that doesn't even work for everybody.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, some people want to go internationally, and that's great too, but international has its own hoops to jump through.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: It has, you know, flights you gotta plan.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's got you've got to take time off of work, you've got to um travel to another country and stay in the country.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then there's the the private adoption, which is the um arena that I work in with the adoption attorney that that we work with.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um we do a lot of domestic um infant adoptions.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's the main thing that we do.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: We do step parent and family adoptions as well.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: But the financial part does not have to be overwhelming.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: There have become there are so many organizations out there who support adoption and they want to help families to adopt.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: So um I applied for, I just looked up any grant that I could find and applied for it.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I um I shared a little bit, that's how my book came to be.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was from a grant that I found that was just an essay, and it took me a little while to write the essay, but I won a thousand dollars for it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that may seem like a drop in the bucket when you're talking about$20,000 to$30,000 adoption, but it's a start.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, along the way, there are things, there are different fundraisers you can do.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: There are people out there who want to support adoption, but they don't know, um, they don't know that God is calling them to adopt for themselves.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So they really want to support families and um are willing to give financially to help.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I list on my website um a bunch of organizations that offer either adoption loans or grants.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the adoption loans are really um a special kind of loan.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: They don't usually require that you have an interest rate.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they set up a payment plan that works for you.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like we worked with uh Pathways for Little Fee and the ABBA Fund specifically.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they were covenant loans, which meant that we would just we agreed to pay X amount of dollars each month until the loan was paid back.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: But if there was a month where we couldn't afford to pay the pay the monthly payment, we just worked with them through it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: There was no interest rate, there was no deadline.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um I had no idea there was something like that out there.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's several organizations that offer that because it's not that these organizations are trying to make money um like you would if you were trying to get like a line of credit.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're it's trying the money you are paying back is going into another adoptive family's fundraiser.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: Love it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's awesome.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're helping pay for somebody else's family to grow.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, the financial part, a lot of people get upset about the finances because they don't think adoption should cost that much money.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I can understand that it does seem overwhelming when you just see it as a lump sum.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you also have to consider like um one of the things that is approved in most states is um taking care of the birth mom, well, the expectant mom.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: She's an expectant mom until she has the baby.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And um, a lot of people feel like that isn't fair, but from our point of view, I we were just caring for somebody who was caring for our our future baby.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so if we were providing shelter for her, we were also providing shelter for the baby.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: If we were providing food for her, that food was getting to the baby and helping the baby to grow.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, and at the end of the day, that she could have disrupted the adoption at any point, um, because that baby was not ours until she officially signed the paperwork after the baby was born.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So there was always there's always a risk, but really anything worth having and worth fighting for is gonna have a risk.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we had to go into it with if if nothing comes from this, if we don't end up taking this baby home as ours, we helped somebody for a little bit of time.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and was it really um a bad thing that we were helping this this woman who needed somebody to come alongside her?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And and when you can see it like that, it kind of takes the financial um burden off of you because you're you're you're being the hands and feet of Jesus for somebody.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and that's why I so highly encourage listeners to go back to listen to the first part, which is about your story, if they haven't already, because there were so many just truly God provisions along the way.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: And and I know it's because he saw your heart and you were willing to step out and take those risks and show love in his name.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: And it was just amazing how he worked worked it all out.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: So highly recommend you go back and listen if you haven't.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, that's amazing.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and um, I also I I always have people fearful of the biological family, you know.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they're fearful that especially I talked a little bit about this in in the first episode about um the the expectations with the birth mom, and that a lot of um attorneys and agencies will not do closed adoptions anymore because it's not good for the for the health of the child.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: They need to know their roots, and a lot of people are fearful of that.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've dealt with a lot of couples um who've asked me questions about my experience because they don't they just want to be that child's family and that's it.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to co go into adoption with the idea that you are loving a child that somebody else loves too.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And these birth moms, they are not the they they are not terrible people.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: They have they may have made terrible choices, they may have terrible situations, um, but they are humans too, and they do they deserve respect and love, and they are they have the choice to either abort this baby or or try to care for this baby in some bad environments.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And instead, they carefully chose a loving home to put to place their child in.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't throw this baby away.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: They they in it with our with our couples, you know, we have our couples go through a whole vetting process, they put together a portfolio, and then we present those to these these expectant moms, and they get to choose who they think will be a good fit for their baby.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so, but then that baby is that much more loved that to think that there is somebody out there who loved them so much to to not be selfish and try to control the situation and keep this baby when they knew that it wasn't gonna be good for this baby.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um our children's birth mother was encouraged to abort them, um, pressured to do so.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and it would have been so easy for her to do that and just move on with her life.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, she chose to go through nine months of of you know, morning sickness and um swollen feet and all the changes that go with with being pregnant, just to give me a baby and tell me that this is yours.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to be this child's mom.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, there's a lot of love there and a lot of and and I talk to my children about her all the time, how how precious she is and what a difficult decision she made for them so that they could they could be mine.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, and they're and we talk about their um their biological grandparents and their um and cousins and siblings, anybody else that is out there, because the more people who love you, like how can that be a bad thing?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly, yes, and we all want to know our roots, don't we?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: You know, at some point in life, so true.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: And not only, you know, knowing your roots and knowing that you know their biological mom did love them enough to, like you say, it's not easy growing a human, right?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: To go through that process and then the hard part of giving the baby up, but also knowing that you and your husband chose them.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you you wanted that child to be a part of your family.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, right.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's that's an important message of love that uh I can only imagine has impacted your kids in a big way.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: We always we see these stories on the news and in uh lifetime movies where you know the the child's kidnapped backed by their biological parents.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I've been working with my adoption attorney for seven years now, and then before that, I mean I've our oldest is 16, and I've been in the adoption community.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Those are those are you know exceptions to the rule where the and the news is going to tell those stories because that's how you get you get viewers, but those are not the typical situations.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Most biological families just want to know that their the children are okay, that they're settling in.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: They may ask for pictures and updates every now and then, but there's no harm in having a lot of people love you.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so I really I always try to encourage adoptive parents to put aside those fears and be open to just extending their family, just you know, that you have to there there are boundaries that you put in place, you don't have to invite them over for dinner, but just being open to what you can handle and what your children can handle.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: And and you'll find that the children are healthier for it and and it's it's a better situation all the way around.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I would imagine.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then the other thing I always like to talk about um is there is a myth that after a woman comes home with with an adopted baby or adopted child or whatever, there seems to be a lot of support that goes along with coming up to the adoption.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: But then when they settle in as a family, the uh the support kind of goes away a little bit.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um, with our third child, I was not diagnosed, but um I should have been, I had post-adoption depression.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And most people don't know that that is an actual real thing.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's very much like postpartum depression.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but because your hormones are in play, you're still getting you there's a lot of excitement and and adrenaline rush of you know, planning for this this baby to come into your home.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna do?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're focused on the the expectant mom.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: How can you take care of her?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: What can you do for her?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and there's all this leading up to it, but then you're not really bonding with a baby because the baby's not growing inside of you.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so then all of a sudden you go, you get this baby, it's a stranger, and you come home and you're supposed to immediately attach to it.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: And there's just this this um overwhelm that comes on.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of adoptive moms, especially, but some adoptive ads will experience this like, I have this stranger in my home now.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: What do I do?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: This this baby is screaming all night.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've got to take care of this child, but this child isn't biologically mine.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Where did this child come from?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there's all these feelings, and we don't talk enough about what happens in those hours of uh feeling overwhelmed because what is said a lot is well, you wanted that baby, you didn't have to adopt, you chose this, and not a lot of compassion for the fact that it's a totally new life for you.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: You want, yes, you still want this baby.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's there's no shame in the overwhelm that you feel, and um and I spent about three months where I was very protective of my little family unit, and I didn't want anybody else to take care of my children for me.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to break, I wanted to be, but because I wouldn't ask for help, because I didn't take a break, I was crashing and I was so so miserable, but I didn't know why.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I loved my children, but I was also overwhelmed by them.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, I should the now is becoming a little bit more uh talked about, but I should have seen a doctor, I should have talked to my doctor about it and gotten help.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: But at the time it wasn't talked about very much, and I didn't know until later.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's really what I was going through.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so I just want to encourage adoptive parents if you are feeling that overwhelm, reach out to your doctor, tell them, um, reach out to the adoption community.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: There are several great communities online, and just you know, find out what other people are going through because I think that you'll find that it's more common and that people haven't been sharing because they didn't, they thought they were all alone and you are not alone.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's a really good point.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think of uh biological moms, they've given birth, they bring their baby home.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of times, you know, hopefully in a positive uh environment, you have people coming over to help.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and if you don't have that with the adoptive moms, especially first time, and you have this baby that, you know, there's a lot to that, right?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um, a lot of responsibility, a lot of unknowns.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I can just see how it would just be so important for adoptive moms to have just as much support.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you mentioned that you do have some resources to like community groups online.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know of any ministry?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: You know how you there's certain ministries that maybe will come alongside in the postpartum phase for moms.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_02: Do you show anything like that with uh foster moms or with um adoptive moms?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I know here in my area we have a group called The Garden.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it was started by the um woman who runs Grace While We Wait, um Jessica Satterfield.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And her whole pro purpose was to unite um adoptive moms who are feeling that overwhelmed after after you have these children in your home.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: You love them, but you don't know what to do with them.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and even as they get old the children get older, some of the adoption trauma, even if you got them as a baby, um, can start coming out, especially as they get to school age, and just having the that community to talk to um is really good.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know like that there some of the resources on my page, um, like uh life, I believe Lifeline is on there.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Lifeline is a really good one that offers um parenting, like they have um different seminars for parenting adoptive children.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um they had I did a I uh trial with um a one-on-one coach who kind of walked us through some things so that I could share that resource with our adoptive couples.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um so and then there's just just look in your area.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you if you um work with an agency, a lot of times they might have some resources available too.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um and and just try to find, just try to find your community and of other people.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't try to do this on your own.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, that makes sense, definitely.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that is so insightful.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, were there any other, I don't want to cut you short there.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: Were there any other myths that you wanted to share?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, those are the main ones.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: I I I really love to talk about those because I want people to to realize adoption doesn't have to be scary, you know.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you just have to find the right people to talk to and just get that support and educate yourself.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and lots of prayer, I would imagine.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_02: Because again, going back to your story of the way God has provided is just amazing.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_02: So I um I do want to just encourage our listeners to to go to your website and look for that um that page with a long list of helpful adoption organizations.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um, they can find your book on your website as well.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_02: Why did you choose me?
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: And where is the best place to find you online?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_02: What is your website address?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Katie, it's katycrewsmith.com.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, and we'll have all this in the show notes as well.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: But thank you so much, Katie, for coming on and sharing again.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_02: We have one more part to the series.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: Next week, we're gonna have you back on to talk about how to support foster care.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_02: So, such another very important topic.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_02: But thank you again for being on the show.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: And and thank you, listeners, for joining us.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_02: Be sure to check out the show notes for books, links, and resources that we've discussed today.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_02: And join us next week for another episode in this series.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, have a blessed week.