Latest / The Joy Jolt Podcast / Episode 3: When the Old Version of You Stops Working

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Episode 3: When the Old Version of You Stops Working · The Joy Jolt Podcast

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What used to blow my skirt up or blow my hair back doesn't do
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that anymore.
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SPEAKER_03: So who does that make me now if that's not who I am?
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SPEAKER_02: Welcome to That Explains A Lot.
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SPEAKER_02: Real conversations about this messy, magical life.
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SPEAKER_03: We talk about the things that don't make sense until suddenly they do.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah, episode three of That Explains A Lot.
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SPEAKER_00: That explains a lot.
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SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to be talking about when the old version of you...
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stops working dun dun dun right so this is this is one that
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comes up we have this
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this we this need as human beings this desire this privilege to
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stay in the
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evolution um and so nobody's exempt from that process and
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there's going to be
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there's there's going to be times when the old version stops
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working and what do
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SPEAKER_00: you do when that happens
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yeah and that's the thing with any kind of personal development
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work uh you know if
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you're working on yourself and once you know you can't not know
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that's right having
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to keep evolving all the time that's right you can't i can't
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unsee it i didn't know
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SPEAKER_03: that you can't use that as an excuse anymore
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SPEAKER_00: There it is.
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SPEAKER_00: You're like, this is not working.
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SPEAKER_00: And so what do you do when it's no longer working?
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SPEAKER_00: And how do you manage it first internally, the internal dialogue?
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And how do you give yourself permission to think about,
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well,
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what do you want to do next?
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SPEAKER_00: What's up?
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SPEAKER_00: What's next?
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SPEAKER_00: You know,
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SPEAKER_03: I have a perfect example of this,
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SPEAKER_03: and it has to do with my introduction to personal development.
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I mean,
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I was 21 when one of my bosses at the time handed me a set of
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cassettes.
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SPEAKER_03: Uh, Brian Tracy, they were Brian Tracy.
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SPEAKER_01: Yep.
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SPEAKER_03: And,
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SPEAKER_03: uh,
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SPEAKER_03: I had this little 72 Corolla,
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it was orange and we used to call it the baked bean because it
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looked like a baked
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SPEAKER_03: bean.
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SPEAKER_03: And I used to play those tapes over and over and over in my car,
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SPEAKER_03: just,
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SPEAKER_01: you know,
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SPEAKER_03: driving around.
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SPEAKER_03: And I,
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SPEAKER_03: I,
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SPEAKER_03: my story is I come from like,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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SPEAKER_03: a big family,
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SPEAKER_03: eight kids,
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SPEAKER_03: grew up in a country town in Australia.
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SPEAKER_03: My mum and I had a pretty contentious relationship.
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SPEAKER_03: So, you know, there was, it was, it was tough.
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SPEAKER_03: I can say that it was tough.
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SPEAKER_03: And as a kid,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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I'm building up resentment and building up a bit of a hatred
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for my mother,
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SPEAKER_03: which is why I left home when I was 17.
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SPEAKER_01: That's so abnormal.
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SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know.
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SPEAKER_03: Left home when I was 17, left my hometown when I was 18.
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SPEAKER_03: Wow.
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SPEAKER_03: I don't know, five years that I had lived in Sydney.
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SPEAKER_03: You know, I started managing fitness clubs when I was 21.
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SPEAKER_03: I, you know, really rose to the top of that profession very quickly.
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And my motivator for that was to stick it to my mother because
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I wanted to show her
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SPEAKER_03: that how successful I could be without her.
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SPEAKER_00: That's right.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't need you, mom.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Right.
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SPEAKER_03: You know,
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and I remember listening to those Brian Tracy tapes one day in
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the car and it kind
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SPEAKER_03: of hit me and thinking,
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SPEAKER_03: oh,
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SPEAKER_03: wait a minute.
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SPEAKER_03: This is not healthy.
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And I realized,
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and so I had empathy and went,
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oh my God,
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what if I had eight kids?
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SPEAKER_03: Would I have shown up any differently?
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SPEAKER_03: And I actually had some,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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some everything for my mum and dad and how difficult it would
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have been for them.
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And they really did sacrifice a lot of their adult life to
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bring up eight kids.
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SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, you do.
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SPEAKER_00: Eight kids.
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SPEAKER_03: You have two.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you're talking about eight and I'm just like.
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SPEAKER_03: So I remember driving back to Orange,
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SPEAKER_03: my hometown,
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one weekend and having an individual conversation with my dad
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and my mum around,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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SPEAKER_03: just telling them how much I was grateful.
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SPEAKER_03: Um,
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SPEAKER_03: cause you know,
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SPEAKER_03: that,
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SPEAKER_03: that tumultuous thing with my mom really developed my independence and my
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SPEAKER_03: resilience,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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SPEAKER_03: um,
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which I may not have had if it hadn't been for that situation
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or maybe not as much.
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Um,
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and I forgave them,
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you know,
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and I'm,
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I felt this,
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I felt really good about it.
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But then it's like,
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oh,
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I don't have that burning hatred as a motivator anymore.
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SPEAKER_00: So why am I doing this?
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SPEAKER_00: What am I doing this for?
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SPEAKER_00: Right?
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SPEAKER_00: That old version of you didn't work anymore.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: And it's because I knew better.
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SPEAKER_03: I'd started my personal development journey and I knew better.
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SPEAKER_03: I knew something different.
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SPEAKER_03: And I think that when we get to this age in our life,
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SPEAKER_03: that if we haven't done any personal development work,
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because our life isn't as hectic and busy as it usually is with
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kids and family and
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SPEAKER_03: everything,
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SPEAKER_03: we've got more time for ourselves,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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SPEAKER_03: we get more time to listen to ourselves and
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Anything that we haven't really worked on becomes really front
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and center and loud and clear.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Because nobody's exempt from the work.
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SPEAKER_00: You can put it off because you're busy.
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You can put it off because there's distractions,
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but it's going to follow you.
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And so I think that's a that's an interesting one that there is
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a there is a point
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in everybody's life where it's like there is going to be a
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version of you,
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SPEAKER_00: part of you that is no longer it's no longer working.
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SPEAKER_00: And so how do you what do you do with that?
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SPEAKER_00: How do you look at it?
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SPEAKER_00: I mean,
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SPEAKER_00: I mean,
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SPEAKER_00: my my example of this is a little bit different,
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SPEAKER_00: but,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: same,
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SPEAKER_00: same,
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SPEAKER_00: but different.
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SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I'm in a I'm in a transition with literally with my name.
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SPEAKER_00: You know,
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SPEAKER_00: I've been married for 20 years to Jared Patrick,
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SPEAKER_00: and I've been legally,
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SPEAKER_00: on paper legally,
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SPEAKER_00: I've been Susan Patrick for 20 years,
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SPEAKER_00: but that's been my personal name.
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SPEAKER_00: My professional name
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SPEAKER_00: since I've been born, I guess, right, has been Susan Leahy.
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SPEAKER_00: That was my maiden name.
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SPEAKER_00: And so I do all my business by Susan Leahy.
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SPEAKER_00: And that was really fun for me for years.
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SPEAKER_00: I liked having two identities.
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SPEAKER_00: I liked having that kind of forward-facing identity of Susan Leahy.
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SPEAKER_00: And I was doing my work and had my online business.
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SPEAKER_00: But now that I've turned 50, something has shifted in me.
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SPEAKER_00: And I think it came down to I was telling somebody,
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SPEAKER_00: I was like,
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SPEAKER_00: oh,
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SPEAKER_00: I'm Susan Leahy for work and I'm Susan Patrick for pleasure.
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And then I realized I don't want to be the work side as much as
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I want to just be
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these next this next phase that's going to work for me is about
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really living more
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SPEAKER_00: in that space of pleasure.
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SPEAKER_00: I want to have more fun.
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And and and so that I mean,
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that's up for me is like letting go of who I've been.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Because it's it's not who I want to be.
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So whether it's through kind of healing past hurts or it's
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through the recognition
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SPEAKER_00: of this just isn't working anymore.
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SPEAKER_00: What do I want next?
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It's there is going to be a time when then when the old version
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of you,
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it just stops working.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: And then you get into the panic of, well, who am I now?
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I remember being at a seminar once and,
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you know,
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it was personal development.
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And I remember this woman,
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and I quote this all the time because it was just shocking to
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me.
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SPEAKER_03: And this woman goes, you don't understand.
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SPEAKER_03: If I don't hate my mother, I have no idea who I am.
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SPEAKER_01: Whoa.
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SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa.
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SPEAKER_03: I'm like, that is all consuming.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: And that became her identity.
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SPEAKER_03: Yes.
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SPEAKER_00: Right?
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SPEAKER_03: It became part of who she was.
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Like,
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I think anyone who knew her,
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who had met her,
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knew that she had a mother.
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SPEAKER_00: Wow.
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SPEAKER_00: Wow.
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SPEAKER_00: And she was wearing it like a badge.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Right.
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SPEAKER_03: Not realizing how toxic it was.
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SPEAKER_00: No.
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SPEAKER_00: Golly.
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SPEAKER_00: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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SPEAKER_00: That's a big one, right?
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SPEAKER_00: So when you've got to let go of the old version of yourself,
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SPEAKER_00: you're going to mess with your equilibrium.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Right.
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SPEAKER_00: Letting go.
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SPEAKER_00: I remember.
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SPEAKER_00: So when we when we moved to Mexico almost 11 years ago now,
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SPEAKER_00: I remember I remember for the first six months,
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SPEAKER_00: it was completely disorienting.
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SPEAKER_00: And I just everything smelled different and looked different.
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SPEAKER_00: And I mean,
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SPEAKER_00: it just and I think that when they say you're homesick,
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SPEAKER_00: it's because your body is physiologically your body's not plugged in.
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SPEAKER_00: You've got to get your body used to wherever you are.
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SPEAKER_00: And the only thing we brought with us is we shipped our car.
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SPEAKER_00: And so the only thing that felt familiar was my car.
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And I remember one time I was sitting in my car and I was
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absolutely having a
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SPEAKER_00: meltdown and I'm just losing it.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm crying and my kids are in the back.
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My husband's in the driver's seat and everyone's silent because
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mom is just losing it.
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SPEAKER_00: Right.
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SPEAKER_00: You know,
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and I remember I had this moment and it was it was it was a
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really it was actually
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SPEAKER_00: a really beautiful moment.
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SPEAKER_00: But I I somehow turned around,
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looked at my kids through these just tears that were cascading
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down my face.
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SPEAKER_00: And I looked at them and I said,
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SPEAKER_00: just so you know,
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SPEAKER_00: this is where mommy is right now,
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SPEAKER_00: but it's not where mommy is going to be forever.
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SPEAKER_00: And so it was like,
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at least I had the wherewithal in that moment to remind myself
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and everyone around
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SPEAKER_00: me that that in-between of letting go of my...
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SPEAKER_00: I'm Susan from California.
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SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm Susan now, expat living in Mexico.
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And that in-between space of letting go of who I was,
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whoa,
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was really disorienting.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: You know, and I think too that...
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SPEAKER_03: When you're going through this shift,
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SPEAKER_03: I think you,
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SPEAKER_03: you,
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SPEAKER_03: we,
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SPEAKER_03: and we're all stepping out of different roles.
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SPEAKER_03: So once you step out of a role like that,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
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SPEAKER_03: you do have these kinds of thoughts like,
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SPEAKER_03: well,
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SPEAKER_03: if I'm not driven the same way,
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SPEAKER_03: does it still make me ambitious?
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SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01: You know,
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SPEAKER_01: or if I'm,
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SPEAKER_03: if,
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if what used to blow my skirt up or blow my hair back doesn't
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do that anymore.
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SPEAKER_03: So who does that make me now if that's not who I am?
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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And well,
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and those things that used to be the motivator are not
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motivating me.
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SPEAKER_00: And so I'm, what do I grab onto?
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: You know,
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SPEAKER_00: so it does feel like a little bit of a,
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SPEAKER_00: like you're,
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SPEAKER_00: you're in some really unfamiliar terrain.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: And for women at our age, I mean, there's, there's some common threads.
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SPEAKER_03: There's some common things that a lot of women go through,
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SPEAKER_03: like things like being a caretaker,
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SPEAKER_03: like a mother.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: You know,
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SPEAKER_03: you're used to being felt like you're being useful,
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SPEAKER_03: that you're being supported,
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SPEAKER_03: that people need you.
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SPEAKER_03: So, you know, empty nesters.
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Once the kids are off to college,
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it's like,
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oh,
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oh,
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my God,
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like,
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who needs me now?
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SPEAKER_03: And it feels like this big part of your identity is just gone.
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SPEAKER_00: Gone.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's really different, right?
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SPEAKER_00: Those phases are really distinct with children.
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SPEAKER_00: They're really obvious.
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SPEAKER_00: And as a mother,
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if you don't allow yourself to own each distinct phase and let
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yourself let go of
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SPEAKER_00: who you were,
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SPEAKER_00: because if you try to parent,
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and I think this is why a lot of relationships between children
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and parents falter,
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is that because the caregiver gets stuck in the caregiving and
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doesn't evolve their
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SPEAKER_00: role.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: Right.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: Or puts the kids first before their spouse.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00: Oh, and yeah, and then at the detriment of themselves.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Right.
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SPEAKER_03: And the relationship.
11:47
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, totally.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03: I mean, and I think you do an amazing job of conscious parenting because
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SPEAKER_03: But you're very conscious of all the different stages of parenting.
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SPEAKER_03: So I think by the time,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
12:00
SPEAKER_03: your kids are ready to go off and be independent,
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SPEAKER_03: you'll be able to handle it better than most.
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SPEAKER_00: But I'm not exempt from the processes.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: No, no.
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SPEAKER_00: Like that's the crazy thing is it is a process.
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SPEAKER_00: No matter who you are or what you are,
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SPEAKER_00: human beings,
12:15
SPEAKER_00: we're going to go through this process and you're not exempt from feeling
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SPEAKER_00: disoriented.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:21
feeling like all of these emotions when you're letting go of
12:25
being the caretaker.
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Or another one that was big for me,
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like back when I was in college,
12:29
I was the achiever.
12:30
You know,
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I was the president of my college and I was,
12:34
you know,
12:35
on the dean's list.
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SPEAKER_00: And I was,
12:36
SPEAKER_00: you know,
12:37
it was always about the validation from achieving and having
12:43
certain titles.
12:44
And when that,
12:45
it's funny,
12:46
my dad,
12:46
I remember when I won the presidency of the college for
12:50
I was the ASI president and people were popping champagne
12:54
bottles and it was a big deal.
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SPEAKER_00: And I'm on the phone with my dad and my dad tells me this story.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: He's like,
12:59
SPEAKER_00: you know,
13:00
that it's really easy to love yourself when the phone is
13:03
ringing and everybody's in
13:05
SPEAKER_00: the office praising you.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: But are you going to love yourself when no one's calling?
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SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: You know,
13:13
and that I think we all have those phases in our lives where
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we're doing something
13:17
SPEAKER_00: and we're really important,
13:18
but there's also going to be moments in our life where I'm not
13:21
important and people
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SPEAKER_00: aren't calling.
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SPEAKER_00: And can I love myself through those moments?
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
13:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
13:27
SPEAKER_03: It's like stepping out of something significant.
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SPEAKER_03: Like I don't think I felt it so much when I left the fitness industry,
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SPEAKER_03: even though I was very well recognized at the top of my game because,
13:39
SPEAKER_03: you know,
13:39
I went straight into a business with my new husband and that
13:43
was a nightclub.
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SPEAKER_03: So there was no time to mourn and grieve the loss of that career.
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SPEAKER_03: I was straight in the deep end.
13:55
SPEAKER_03: But when we sold the nightclub,
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SPEAKER_03: Like we were very recognized in Sydney.
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SPEAKER_03: It was a very popular club.
14:02
SPEAKER_03: Um,
14:03
SPEAKER_03: and you know,
14:04
SPEAKER_03: we,
14:04
SPEAKER_03: I,
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SPEAKER_03: I did go through a bit of a loss of identity with that one,
14:08
SPEAKER_03: you know,
14:09
SPEAKER_03: Glenn,
14:09
SPEAKER_03: it was like,
14:10
SPEAKER_03: oh,
14:10
SPEAKER_03: so,
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SPEAKER_03: so we're not,
14:13
SPEAKER_03: we're not on the,
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SPEAKER_03: you know,
14:14
SPEAKER_03: we used to be the ones throwing the party.
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SPEAKER_03: Now we're on the guest list.
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SPEAKER_00: I have to show my ID.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:21
SPEAKER_03: What do you mean?
14:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: So this, that's a really interesting one.
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SPEAKER_00: And, and, and, and that's it.
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SPEAKER_00: That's an important evolution, right?
14:31
Giving yourself permission to step away from the familiar so
14:35
that you can create
14:37
space to evolve into whatever the next iteration of yourself is
14:42
going to become.
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SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
14:44
And I think too,
14:45
that even when you're releasing something big like that,
14:48
um,
14:49
it,
14:50
There's always something beautiful on the other side because
14:53
you are still you.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:56
SPEAKER_03: You know,
14:56
you can step into anything else that you want to after that and
15:01
still show up and
15:03
SPEAKER_03: you're evolving.
15:04
SPEAKER_03: So you're showing up as a better version of you in something that's,
15:07
SPEAKER_03: you know,
15:09
SPEAKER_03: suitable for you at this time of life.
15:11
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
15:11
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
15:12
And you are drawing on all of the lessons and the achievements
15:17
and the skills and
15:18
SPEAKER_03: everything that you've gathered along the way to get to this point.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: So wait, what you're saying is I'm not starting at ground zero?
15:24
SPEAKER_00: You're not starting at ground zero.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: I think that's sometimes what people do, right?
15:28
SPEAKER_00: They feel like, oh, well, I've got to start all over.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: You're not starting all over.
15:34
You're bringing how many years of wisdom and experience and
15:38
transferable skills.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: So I think there's,
15:40
and I guess I'm saying this as much to people who are listening
15:44
as I say it to
15:45
SPEAKER_00: myself,
15:46
because I've really had to work hard in this transition to be
15:50
kind of my own
15:51
SPEAKER_00: motivational speaker.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
15:53
I've had to remind myself and I've had to be patient with
15:58
myself and I've had to be
15:59
SPEAKER_00: my own uplifter more than I ever have.
16:02
SPEAKER_00: I feel like when you're younger,
16:05
SPEAKER_00: you've got the world,
16:06
SPEAKER_00: the wind at your back and the world is expecting you.
16:10
I kind of feel like it's a little more of a lonelier journey
16:13
when you get older.
16:15
SPEAKER_03: I think it is.
16:17
And you also want to make sure that you've surrounded yourself
16:21
with people that
16:22
SPEAKER_03: can,
16:22
SPEAKER_03: you know,
16:23
SPEAKER_03: that are your cheerleaders.
16:24
SPEAKER_03: That's like massively important because in the quiet moments,
16:28
SPEAKER_03: because,
16:28
SPEAKER_03: you know,
16:29
SPEAKER_03: I,
16:29
SPEAKER_03: I,
16:29
SPEAKER_03: I have intentionally surrounded myself with incredible people,
16:32
SPEAKER_03: but I tell you through the pandemic and through that lockdown,
16:36
SPEAKER_03: Man, that voice of doubt got really loud.
16:40
SPEAKER_03: Really loud.
16:40
Because I didn't have other people to bounce things off and for
16:44
them to be like,
16:44
SPEAKER_03: no,
16:45
SPEAKER_03: Nat,
16:45
SPEAKER_03: you've got this.
16:45
SPEAKER_03: You can do this.
16:46
SPEAKER_03: You know, I didn't have that reassurance.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
16:50
SPEAKER_03: Just me.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: It was just you.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: Well, it's harder work.
16:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: It takes more discipline.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: It takes more intention.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: It takes more, you know, resilience.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: I feel like there's a lot of...
17:06
there's a lot of tools for younger people who are discovering
17:10
their next path and
17:12
SPEAKER_00: where they're going to go next.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: But I do feel like sometimes it's like a little like,
17:16
SPEAKER_00: you know,
17:17
SPEAKER_00: when you're,
17:18
SPEAKER_00: when,
17:19
SPEAKER_00: when you're doing it,
17:20
SPEAKER_00: when you're older,
17:20
SPEAKER_00: but it.
17:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:22
SPEAKER_03: And I think the other thing too,
17:23
SPEAKER_03: is that for us to step into something at this time,
17:26
especially if we're coming out of like a marriage or a career
17:29
or a business where,
17:30
SPEAKER_03: you know,
17:31
SPEAKER_03: we've had to give a lot,
17:32
SPEAKER_03: a lot of ourselves,
17:33
SPEAKER_03: um,
17:34
We have to and it's I don't want to say selfish because there's
17:37
such a negative
17:38
SPEAKER_03: energy around that word.
17:39
SPEAKER_03: But we have to really start to focus on ourselves.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:43
SPEAKER_03: And that is not negative.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: Focusing on yourself is not negative.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: I love that.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: Right.
17:49
SPEAKER_03: And it's like positive selfishness.
17:50
SPEAKER_03: It's like, no, I need to work on myself here.
17:52
So if you've ever been the good girl in your life and you're
17:55
all you're the
17:56
SPEAKER_03: emotional glue where you're keeping everything else together,
17:59
SPEAKER_03: this can be a challenge.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: Yes, a huge challenge.
18:03
I have to say,
18:04
in this phase of my life,
18:06
you were talking about friendships,
18:07
right?
18:09
I think I've been a good girl with friendships and I've always
18:11
been the emotional
18:12
SPEAKER_00: glue for everyone.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: And I realized I had a lot of people in my life who would...
18:18
SPEAKER_00: who would share a lot of their problems.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: And I want to be a space where people feel seen,
18:22
but I also realize I don't want to be a dumping zone for other
18:27
people's emotional
18:28
SPEAKER_00: upset.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: And so I've had to let go of who I've been in friendships,
18:35
SPEAKER_00: and sometimes that means you're letting go of friendships.
18:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: So that you're bringing in people who are meeting you at that level.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: I think everybody gets to go through a divorce,
18:47
SPEAKER_00: whether it's a marital divorce or a friend divorce.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: Like everybody, a business divorce.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: I think that that is an experience that is human.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Marriage is temporary.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is forever.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: Right.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: And that you have to let go.
19:08
You've got to let go of who you've been so that you can start
19:12
surrounding yourself
19:12
SPEAKER_00: with the people that are going to be the uplifters.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:16
SPEAKER_03: So I think,
19:17
SPEAKER_03: you know,
19:17
SPEAKER_03: obviously being kind to yourself,
19:19
SPEAKER_03: surrounding yourself with cheerleaders is really important.
19:22
SPEAKER_03: You know, setting healthy boundaries.
19:24
SPEAKER_01: Being your own cheerleader.
19:25
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, being your own cheerleader, but setting healthy boundaries too.
19:27
SPEAKER_03: Because, you know, you can...
19:31
SPEAKER_03: It's difficult for people who are used to talking to you,
19:34
SPEAKER_03: being with you,
19:35
SPEAKER_03: exchanging things with you a certain way.
19:38
SPEAKER_03: Because when you start to go, that's not working anymore.
19:41
SPEAKER_03: So this is what the new rules are.
19:43
SPEAKER_03: This is the new rules of engagement.
19:45
This is how we want,
19:46
I would like for you to treat me or this is what's going to be
19:48
happening.
19:50
SPEAKER_03: So,
19:50
SPEAKER_03: you know,
19:51
SPEAKER_03: getting comfortable in those uncomfortable conversations,
19:53
SPEAKER_03: I think is a really good skill because this
19:57
I can't express enough how important it is to have the right
20:00
people around you.
20:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
20:03
And anyone who is trying to hold you back,
20:06
and they're not doing it out of malice.
20:07
SPEAKER_03: They're just doing it because they're used to you being a certain way.
20:11
SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you changing is just shining a mirror to them.
20:14
So they're like,
20:15
oh,
20:15
well,
20:15
I maybe should be changing,
20:16
but I don't want to do that quite now.
20:18
So how about I keep you back here with me so that we can hang
20:21
out in our comfort zone?
20:22
SPEAKER_03: That's right.
20:23
SPEAKER_03: So,
20:24
SPEAKER_03: you know,
20:24
SPEAKER_03: you've got to give people grace as well,
20:26
but it's important that you get comfortable with those
20:28
uncomfortable conversations.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: Truly.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: Truly.
20:31
And so a big evolution for me as I've matured is I used to be
20:37
more people,
20:38
more fun.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: Right.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: You know, I was more people, more fun.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: And I still love people.
20:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm a lover of people.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: But what I'm what I've really loved.
20:49
What I'm really learning and what I'm really honing is I am
20:53
desiring more now than
20:55
SPEAKER_00: ever a depth of relationship.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: I thought I had all these deep relationships around me, but they weren't.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: It was I was being deep with a lot of people.
21:06
SPEAKER_00: But they weren't necessarily being deep in return.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: And so for me, I've gotten a little bit more emotionally wise.
21:16
And it's come with some pain and some recognition of how I very
21:24
immaturely would
21:25
give and then felt really hurt when people wouldn't necessarily
21:30
show up for me the
21:31
SPEAKER_00: same way.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: And so that was on me.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, that was on me.
21:36
I really had to let go of that part of me that really wants to
21:40
be a people pleaser
21:42
and have everybody like me and to want everyone to be happy and
21:46
be that emotional
21:47
SPEAKER_00: glue.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: That became exhausting.
21:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:50
You know,
21:52
and now it's not about do people like me,
21:56
it's am I liking myself?
21:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
21:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: Right.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: Am I really liking myself?
22:01
SPEAKER_00: Am I really putting myself first?
22:03
SPEAKER_00: Am I getting something out of this?
22:04
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is the reason that you and I are doing this together.
22:08
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
22:09
SPEAKER_03: And before we started,
22:10
SPEAKER_03: I said to you,
22:10
SPEAKER_03: I said,
22:11
SPEAKER_03: look,
22:11
SPEAKER_03: every time you and I have a conversation,
22:13
SPEAKER_03: I leave our conversation like resonating at a whole other frequency,
22:18
SPEAKER_03: which is really what I would love for our listeners to,
22:20
SPEAKER_03: you know,
22:21
SPEAKER_03: walk away from this going,
22:22
SPEAKER_03: oh,
22:23
SPEAKER_03: my God,
22:23
SPEAKER_03: that was like,
22:24
SPEAKER_03: it was awesome.
22:24
SPEAKER_03: Like I get like I identify with so much of what's going on there.
22:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: I have more energy.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: Like it's this energy hit already.
22:32
SPEAKER_02: We haven't even finished.
22:35
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: They're like, Oh, like, I want you to be like, you're plugging it.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: It's a main line, a plug, like a zap.
22:41
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
22:43
SPEAKER_03: And here's the thing.
22:43
SPEAKER_03: Like,
22:43
I know that it can be challenging and sticky and messy and
22:47
magical and all of those
22:49
SPEAKER_03: things that come along with,
22:50
SPEAKER_03: with changing and growing,
22:53
SPEAKER_03: but we have to grow.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
22:55
SPEAKER_03: That's a non-negotiable.
22:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
22:56
SPEAKER_03: Like we have to grow.
23:00
SPEAKER_03: So,
23:00
SPEAKER_03: you know,
23:01
SPEAKER_03: if you're feeling like you're in that,
23:03
SPEAKER_03: you know,
23:03
SPEAKER_03: that sticky part where,
23:05
SPEAKER_03: where,
23:05
SPEAKER_03: you know,
23:06
maybe friendships are falling away and you're not quite sure
23:09
what's coming next and
23:09
SPEAKER_03: you're not motivated by the same things and you're just like,
23:12
SPEAKER_03: ah,
23:12
SPEAKER_03: what the hell is going on?
23:14
SPEAKER_03: Just know that you're exactly where you're meant to be.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: And let yourself sit in it.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: And it's a privilege, right?
23:23
SPEAKER_00: That sense of who am I letting?
23:25
I'm letting go of this part of myself in order to really expand
23:30
into the next
23:30
SPEAKER_00: version of who I want,
23:32
SPEAKER_00: who I want to become.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: And that it is scary.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: It is scary and it would be really great if we were done.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: But this is the privilege of being a human being.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: It is messy.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: It is messy.
23:44
And it is going to,
23:45
you know,
23:45
it's going to press outside your comfort zone.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: But my God.
23:47
I think what we're really saying here is that I think we're all
23:56
going to go through
23:56
SPEAKER_03: it,
23:57
SPEAKER_03: but we just have to get comfortable with being in the in-between.
24:01
SPEAKER_03: Right.
24:02
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
24:02
SPEAKER_03: Like get comfortable in the, I don't know what's coming next.
24:06
SPEAKER_03: I don't know who I'm becoming.
24:07
SPEAKER_03: Like, I don't know any answers.
24:09
You know,
24:09
like we said when we started this podcast,
24:11
we don't have the answers either.
24:13
SPEAKER_03: But being comfortable in that in-between,
24:16
I think is where we want to sit for a moment because you're not
24:21
meant to have the
24:22
SPEAKER_03: answers yet.
24:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
24:23
SPEAKER_01: No, not yet.
24:24
SPEAKER_03: You're not meant to know what's coming yet.
24:26
SPEAKER_03: Once you know, that was when you were meant to know.
24:28
SPEAKER_03: That's right.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: And that there's a real danger in reinventing yourself too fast.
24:33
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: Right.
24:35
SPEAKER_03: You don't want to jump into something else.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
24:37
SPEAKER_00: That you really want to take that intentional deep breath.
24:42
You really want to give yourself the time to sit in the
24:45
uncomfortable space.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: I love the word like the unraveling of yourself.
24:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
24:50
And it's like,
24:51
but sometimes when we're unraveling,
24:53
we want to make it tidy,
24:55
right?
24:55
So let yourself be a little bit messy and know that you don't
24:59
have to reinvent it
25:01
SPEAKER_00: all and figure it all out in a minute.
25:04
It's going to be available to you if you sit in the space of,
25:08
well,
25:09
what do I want?
25:09
SPEAKER_00: Where am I going?
25:10
SPEAKER_00: What do I want to feel?
25:11
SPEAKER_00: What do I want to think?
25:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:14
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
25:15
SPEAKER_03: So,
25:15
SPEAKER_03: I mean,
25:16
SPEAKER_03: if there was anything that,
25:18
SPEAKER_03: you know,
25:18
SPEAKER_03: if you're practicing stillness,
25:20
SPEAKER_03: like I was mentioning in the last episode,
25:22
SPEAKER_03: and you're asking questions when you're in that stillness,
25:25
SPEAKER_03: I mean,
25:26
SPEAKER_03: you could ask yourself questions like,
25:27
SPEAKER_03: well,
25:28
SPEAKER_03: you know,
25:29
SPEAKER_03: what should I change?
25:31
SPEAKER_03: You know, what's my next move?
25:33
SPEAKER_03: What am I done lying to myself about?
25:35
SPEAKER_03: That's a big one.
25:37
SPEAKER_03: What am I no longer willing to pretend is working when it's not?
25:41
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
25:43
And use these kinds of questions to really go deeper into the
25:50
messiness of what
25:51
this time is and not feel like you have to have all the answers
25:56
and not feel like
25:56
SPEAKER_03: you need to reinvent or do anything other than
26:00
SPEAKER_03: Just sit in the questions.
26:01
SPEAKER_00: Sit in the questions.
26:02
And one of the things that's given me a lot of guidance in this
26:05
transition from
26:07
SPEAKER_00: this season to that season and what,
26:09
SPEAKER_00: you know,
26:10
SPEAKER_00: was work and now pleasure.
26:11
And that is like,
26:13
I've thought for 2026,
26:14
I have a word,
26:15
which is alignment.
26:16
SPEAKER_00: Like,
26:16
SPEAKER_00: I feel like the reason why this isn't working for me anymore is it just,
26:21
SPEAKER_00: I desire to be in greater alignment.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: And so...
26:26
SPEAKER_00: Really just giving myself permission to own that desire and just say it.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: I desire to live in greater alignment.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to define it.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to put bullet points around it.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: I just state it.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: I desire to be in greater alignment.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: I desire to be in greater alignment.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: And then it can't help but...
26:44
happen and so these questions and also sitting in in your
26:49
desire finding the word
26:50
what resonates for you what do you desire then then all of a
26:54
sudden it can give you
26:55
some permission to just that's the work do the work right so
26:59
well um i hope you've
27:01
enjoyed our conversation today um our next episode is going to
27:05
be about why growth
27:06
SPEAKER_03: feels worse before it feels better
27:11
And we invite you to subscribe to our channel and share with a
27:16
friend that might
27:17
SPEAKER_03: want to listen to these kind of conversations as well.
27:22
SPEAKER_03: And so we invite you to stay kind and stay curious.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: As you move through this very messy yet magical life.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: We'll see you next time.