Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Reclaiming Your Voice: Letting Go of People-Pleasing & Self-Gaslighting

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Reclaiming Your Voice: Letting Go of People-Pleasing & Self-Gaslighting · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I want to say thank you for taking some time to join me for today's episode.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And today I want to talk about something that high achievers, caregivers, and deeply empathic people fall into.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Overcompensating, walking on eggshells, dismissing your own needs to keep the peace and avoid conflict, and self-gaslighting.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you have spent years bending over backwards for others or trying to keep everything just right so no one gets upset.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe you say yes when you're screaming no inside, or you start to notice that you feel resentful, but then shame for feeling that way.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: So let's just be clear.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is not about being nice.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is a deeper learned pattern that keeps you small, keeps you disconnected, and keeps you exhausted.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so today I want to talk about why this happens and how it shows up from time to time.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And most importantly, maybe how we start breaking free.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're ready to stop second guessing yourself and maybe set some boundaries, this episode might be something that you want to kind of tune into.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we get stuck in the cycle in the first place?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, enabling.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: What happens is we believe that if we take on other people's struggles or pain or mistakes, we can keep things safe and we can keep things under control.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes people pleasing, where we prioritize other needs at the expense of our own will also contribute to this, or overcompensating, uh, which is when you kind of overly give and overly fix.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, this concept of self-gaslighting is this idea that you're overreacting or you start to second guess your own reality.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So this can start early on.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: It can start in your family of origin.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: It can also happen as you go through life.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's not really a set way that this happens, but oftentimes you'll notice that there were patterns of you either trying to be the peacemaker or the caretaker where expressing your needs or emotions maybe wasn't safe, but you just kind of had to keep everything even keel.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And that might have, again, have happened in early childhood.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: It can happen through those formative uh teen years as well.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do you know if you've been stuck in this cycle or you are stuck in this cycle?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: You might notice that you overapologize even for things that are not actually your fault, or you might notice that you're actually overfunctioning in your relationships, where maybe you're taking on more than your fair share.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: It can be in parenting, it can be in workplace relationships, or maybe you're scanning everybody's emotions constantly, or you struggle to set boundaries, or maybe you know you need something, but you actually never voice it.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: You might also notice that you're starting to feel more resentful.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and then the worst part about all of this is the self-gaslighting keeps you stuck in this loop because then you tell yourself that you're just being dramatic or you're expecting too much, or you're being overly sensitive, or it'll be easier if I just handle this myself.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or a very common one.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: I shouldn't be upset.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they didn't mean to disrespect me that way, but minimizing your feelings doesn't make them disappear.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: It actually just pushes them further deeper until they show up in either some type of explosion, burnout, or true resentment or contempt.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And this cycle is really hard to break because if you're not aware, then it's hard to figure out how to shift things.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: But oftentimes we're in that pattern for many years.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, it's the conditioned behavior.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And with people pleasing, it creates this illusion of safety because if you're keeping the peace, then there's this belief that, well, there's no conflict, then I don't have to fear rejection or abandonment or disappointing others.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that can feel safer than actually saying what's what's true for you.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: But when you do that, you do sacrifice your own sense of agency and you actually start to sacrifice your own sense of safety because you're constantly walking on eggshells.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: So you're almost always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: So if someone um like you or you know somebody who's always overgiving or constantly exhausted, that could be, you know, the this could be this episode could be for them, but also it's it's important for you to take a listen to this because the cost of people pleasing isn't just you're not gonna feel good, it's actually the cost of yourself.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so the very first thing is to start noticing, right?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Become aware.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: But most importantly, notice when you're self-gaslighting.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, you know, the next time that you minimize your feelings or dismiss your own needs, ask yourself if a friend felt this way, would I tell them that they're overreacting?
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  SPEAKER_01: Or if you're a parent, you know, you could say, like, would I tell my kid they're overreacting?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what would happen if I actually honored my feelings instead of invalidating them?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: And learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: So when you start setting boundaries, not everybody's gonna like them, but that doesn't mean that your boundaries are wrong.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: And discomfort, like any other emotion, is temporary.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: So learning to expand out and build room to just sit with that discomfort of somebody not liking your boundary allows us to start breaking the cycle.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: And also to recognize that your value is not tied to what you do, you are valuable because of your essence.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: So starting to recognize that those two things are not tied together and setting those boundaries and being able to say, you know, I don't have the bandwidth for something.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um so instead of saying, Yeah, I guess I can do that, really saying something like, um, I, you know, that's not something I can take on right now.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then it is important to talk about this and to get support through the shifts because when we're shifting conditioned behavior, it's really uncomfortable, it can be really scary, and it's deep work.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just about all of a sudden saying, okay, I'm not gonna do this anymore.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's really about rewiring beliefs, it's it's shifting patterns and learning to build your own self-trust.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so having support through that is really, really important.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I work with people who are chronic people pleasers, who are high achievers, and those who are they're at a point where they recognize that they're living for everyone else and they're actually tired about it.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we focus on rebuilding self-trust so that you don't second guess yourself constantly.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And we focus on what do boundaries look like and how do I set them and how do I learn to sit in the discomfort of setting those boundaries and breaking free from those resentment cycles.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because we don't have to live on eggshells, we don't have to overcompensate to be loved, you don't have to silence yourself in order to be good.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: You get to show up fully as yourself and the relationships that you're building where that's accepted and that's welcomed, those are the ones that are gonna actually help you continue to grow and evolve.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: You weren't put here to make everyone else comfortable at the expense of yourself.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're allowed to take up space, you're allowed to have your own needs, and you're allowed to say no without explanation or justification and without constantly carrying guilt.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I challenge you to notice where you might be silencing yourself.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Take one small step towards choosing yourself.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: And if this resonated with you or you feel like it could be helpful for somebody else, please go ahead and share this episode with them.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And again, if you feel like you're ready for that support in working through this, feel free to reach out to me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And just remember that trusting yourself is so vital and you're so worth it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: So until next time, stay well.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authenticme.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.