Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why Narcissists treat you worse when you go back

Transcript

Why Narcissists treat you worse when you go back · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful folks?
• 0:01
  Today we're going to be talking about why does it get worse
• 0:05
  every time you go back to a narcissist, Every time you go
• 0:07
  back into a touch relationship, Why does it tend to get worse?
• 0:12
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:13
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist. Welcome to another episode of
• 0:17
  The Narcissist Code. Boom, welcome back folks,
• 0:36
  welcome back, welcome back. So yes, narcissistic people, it
• 0:39
  gets worse when you go back. And if y'all before we hop deep
• 0:42
  in today's episode, if you like the narcissist code, my my
• 0:45
  little mini podcast, you're going to love my extended
• 0:48
  podcast coming up called the Mental illness podcast.
• 0:51
  Make sure you subscribe to this channel so you don't miss out on
• 0:54
  anything. It'll be on YouTube, Facebook,
• 0:56
  Spotify, everywhere. It'll be everywhere.
• 0:57
  Just stay tuned for all things mental health.
• 0:59
  Make sure you hit the subscribe button now.
• 1:01
  But yes, it gets worse. Yesterday's video, I said, hey,
• 1:06
  I had an idea, I wrote it down. I went to my notes app.
• 1:09
  Why was I was literally filled with the video.
• 1:11
  I'm doing this notes app and I put it in my notes to do this
• 1:14
  video right here. Why it gets worse when you go
• 1:17
  back into a toxic relationship, when you go back to a
• 1:20
  narcissist, regardless of how long it's been, right,
• 1:22
  Regardless of how long y'all been separated, regardless of
• 1:25
  how long y'all been broken up. It tends to get worse, doesn't
• 1:30
  it? When you go back, it tends to
• 1:33
  get worse. I'm getting it right now.
• 1:35
  It gets worse. I had to keep stuffing my my
• 1:37
  little tablet. Yeah, it tends to get worse.
• 1:39
  But what, Lee? Why does it get worse?
• 1:41
  Like, we decided to give them another chance.
• 1:43
  We decided to get back together and whatnot.
• 1:45
  So why in the hell does it keep getting worse?
• 1:47
  I just want love. I just want them to love me.
• 1:50
  Love, Love, love. Right.
• 1:52
  I thought that they would change.
• 1:53
  I thought time was an apology. I thought enough time it went by
• 1:57
  and they would change their behaviors.
• 1:59
  No. Yeah, no, the number one reason
• 2:06
  why it almost always gets worse when you go back to a narcissist
• 2:12
  or toxic person is because they think that you are OK with the
• 2:18
  behaviors. Regardless of whatever you've
• 2:22
  done to them, whatever you've put them through, regardless of
• 2:26
  what you said they put you through, regardless of how their
• 2:29
  relationship ended, they think absolutely.
• 2:32
  Right now, they think, and they truly believe that because you
• 2:36
  came back to me, because we're actively together right now,
• 2:39
  they think that you are OK with everything that's happened.
• 2:43
  And because they think that you're OK.
• 2:45
  Why wouldn't I start doing the same things again?
• 2:47
  Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I try to do the
• 2:49
  same thing again? You mean why wouldn't I believe
• 2:55
  we're not OK with it? We, we had a conversation where
• 2:58
  I said we were not, I was not OK with how I was previously
• 3:01
  treated. Then why'd you come back?
• 3:09
  If you're not OK with how you previously treated, then why'd
• 3:11
  you come back? That's the narcissistic mindset.
• 3:13
  This is, this is not me trying to victim blame y'all.
• 3:15
  Y'all know I'm not victim blame Jane or James or whatever,
• 3:20
  Jamie, whatever you would have called it, right?
• 3:22
  I'm not that person. I'm not, I'm not that guy, pal.
• 3:25
  I'm not that guy, right? I'm not that guy.
• 3:30
  I will say this right here that most narcissistic people are
• 3:33
  going to escalate in their behaviors because they think
• 3:36
  that you're OK with y'all. It's, it sucks.
• 3:38
  I know it sucks. I know you're not OK with it.
• 3:41
  But the black and white thinking, the simplistic mindset
• 3:45
  of an abuser is going to say, yes, you are OK with it because
• 3:49
  yes, you did come back. You know what I mean?
• 3:52
  Even if you're not OK with, even if the abuse hasn't gotten
• 3:55
  worse, even if the abuse is OK in these situations right here,
• 3:58
  right? Even if it's OK with in these
• 4:00
  situations, even if it's fine, even if they think they think
• 4:05
  you're OK with it's a simple, it's, it's how, yeah, the
• 4:08
  narcissist knows that they've done you wrong, right?
• 4:10
  They know that they've done you wrong.
• 4:12
  They know it. So in their minds, how they, how
• 4:15
  they rationalize it is saying, oh, I did them wrong.
• 4:19
  I can't believe I did that, but they came back to me.
• 4:27
  They came back to me. So they, so I must, I must be
• 4:30
  OK, right? They everything must be OK.
• 4:33
  Everything must be. This must be all right.
• 4:37
  This is literally the mentality of it all right here.
• 4:39
  This is this is the mindset. This is how the mind of an
• 4:42
  abusive narcissist works right here.
• 4:44
  Y'all, it really is. It's just that the space that we
• 4:47
  fall into, like they think that you're OK with their behaviors.
• 4:50
  They think that you're OK with how things are going.
• 4:53
  They think that you're OK with all of this.
• 4:56
  This is the mindset. This is the mentality of it all.
• 4:58
  Like and it sucks, but they rationalize it by saying they
• 5:01
  wouldn't come back to me if they were not OK with it.
• 5:06
  They're OK with it. They're fine, OK, I'm fine.
• 5:08
  It wasn't that bad. It wasn't as bad as they say it
• 5:10
  was. They understand that I cheated
• 5:12
  on them because they didn't give me intimacy.
• 5:14
  They understand that I hit them because they pushed, they
• 5:16
  triggered me. They get it.
• 5:17
  They Oh my goodness, they understand it.
• 5:19
  Oh, I feel better now. I understand it now.
• 5:21
  You know what I mean? I understand it right now that
• 5:23
  y'all don't leave the sugar. I understand it now.
• 5:25
  That's the way it goes right there.
• 5:26
  Y'all literally. So this is something you have to
• 5:30
  reconcile. Before you go back to them,
• 5:31
  before you go back to them, before you go break no contact,
• 5:34
  before you decide to reach out to them and wish them happy
• 5:36
  birthday or happy holidays or whatever the situation may be.
• 5:39
  Before you do that, ask yourself before you go back, before you
• 5:42
  move your stuff back into that apartment or to that house,
• 5:44
  before you decide to break your lease where you are right now.
• 5:47
  Before you decide to tell them to break their lease and come
• 5:49
  back to you. Ask yourself, are you OK with
• 5:51
  it? Because they think you are.
• 5:54
  Let they be the warning side, right?
• 5:55
  Ask yourself, are you OK with it?
• 5:57
  Because they absolutely think that you are.
• 6:00
  They really do they think you're OK with it Because what?
• 6:03
  Yeah. I'm just telling you, why
• 6:04
  wouldn't you be OK with it? If I'm treating you this way, if
• 6:07
  I'm behaving this way, why wouldn't you be OK with it?
• 6:09
  It seems like you are. It definitely seems like you're
• 6:13
  OK with it, right? Right.
• 6:19
  This is the mindset of abusers, y'all.
• 6:21
  This is the mentality of abusers.
• 6:22
  This is the how abusive people's minds work.
• 6:26
  It really, really is. I was.
• 6:28
  I was. I'll say this as well, y'all.
• 6:29
  Some narcissists, the people, yeah, they think you're OK with
• 6:32
  the behaviors. This one of the main reasons
• 6:33
  why, right? That's why it gets worse when
• 6:35
  you go back, or at least goes back to normal.
• 6:39
  At least goes back to how it was like the abusive behavior is
• 6:41
  picked back up, but it gets worse because that now because
• 6:45
  they think you're OK with it now they want to test the limits.
• 6:48
  What else can I get away with? What else can I do now?
• 6:51
  They're bored. It's crazy how they beg you a
• 6:53
  lot of times. They a lot of times they beg you
• 6:55
  to come back. They're begging and pleading
• 6:58
  with you to come back, right. They're begging.
• 7:00
  Please come back home. Please.
• 7:01
  I miss you. And then you get there.
• 7:03
  They start treating you terribly.
• 7:04
  They act like they're bored right now.
• 7:06
  They act like they're bored like damn, you really like damn, are
• 7:09
  you, you, you, you bored like that?
• 7:12
  You mean you're bored? It's crazy how they feel, y'all?
• 7:16
  You mean it's crazy how they feel?
• 7:19
  It's like, OK, you bored now. Whatever in this space right
• 7:22
  now, they say, they say you bored and whatnot and they'll
• 7:24
  get you like that, y'all. They will absolutely get you.
• 7:26
  And it sucks right there, y'all? It really, really does suck.
• 7:31
  And that's what happens. They get bored and now they want
• 7:34
  to see what more they can get away with it.
• 7:36
  That's why the behavior started to escalate.
• 7:39
  When they used to hit you, now they're putting their hands on
• 7:41
  your throat. When they used to yell at you,
• 7:43
  now they're throwing stuff at you, right?
• 7:45
  They used to yell at you, now they're throwing things.
• 7:47
  Now they're throwing things at you.
• 7:49
  And it really, really does suck. Y'all, I'll tell y'all, it
• 7:52
  really, really does suck when you're dealing with this
• 7:55
  mentality, when you're dealing with this abusive behavior, when
• 7:57
  you're dealing with the toxicity of it all.
• 7:58
  It really, really does just suck because you just want to love
• 8:03
  them and you get punished for loving them.
• 8:06
  You get punished for choosing them, you get punished for going
• 8:08
  back. It's crazy.
• 8:09
  Damn near there's, it seemed like there's very rarely any
• 8:13
  type of benefit you get from going back into this toxic
• 8:15
  relationship, right? It seemed like there's no
• 8:17
  benefit to going back into it. It seemed like it's all
• 8:19
  horrible. It seemed like it's all
• 8:20
  terrible. It seemed like it's all just
• 8:22
  toxicity, right? It just seemed like that's how
• 8:25
  it is. It seemed like it's all just BS.
• 8:28
  It's all crap. It's all horrible.
• 8:31
  That's the mentality of it all right?
• 8:32
  There is. It's very rarely any pleasure,
• 8:34
  but it's crazy. Lee So Lee, why?
• 8:36
  Why do we accept less to go back to them?
• 8:39
  Because it's crazy how intermittent reinforcement or
• 8:42
  bread crumbing works. It's crazy how good a hug feels
• 8:47
  when you haven't, when that person hasn't hugged you in a
• 8:49
  year. It's crazy how good somebody
• 8:53
  tell you how, how, how amazing it makes you feel when somebody
• 8:56
  tells you that they love you when they haven't said it in six
• 8:59
  to eight months, when they haven't said it in two years.
• 9:02
  It's crazy how it feels when you hear the word I'm sorry when
• 9:06
  they haven't said it ever. It's like you get to the point
• 9:09
  where you don't get anything. So you get to the point where
• 9:12
  something is better than nothing, right?
• 9:14
  You get to that point where something a little bit is better
• 9:17
  than absolutely nothing. So you accept those little bread
• 9:20
  crumbs instead of the big slice of the loaf of bread.
• 9:23
  You accept the bread crumbs instead of the entire loaf.
• 9:26
  You know, in the sense they condition you to think that it's
• 9:30
  OK to accept the little bread crumbs.
• 9:31
  They they condition you to accept that it's OK to take the
• 9:35
  little bits and pieces, right? They condition you to think all
• 9:38
  of this is OK. This is the mindset, this is the
• 9:41
  mentality. This is how Darcy's minds work
• 9:43
  out. They condition you to think that
• 9:45
  it's OK to put up with this type of stuff and then we'll continue
• 9:49
  to do the same things over and over and over again.
• 9:51
  This is the mindset, this is the mentality.
• 9:52
  This is how it works. That's why I say it.
• 9:54
  Before you go back, ask yourself, Are you ready to, to
• 9:57
  go back and do the same thing? I don't care, y'all.
• 9:59
  I don't give a damn if they promised to change.
• 10:01
  I don't give a damn if they promised to change.
• 10:02
  I don't give a damn if they just swore up and down they're going
• 10:04
  to change. They, they went to church, they
• 10:06
  prayed on it, whatever it is. Consistent change behavior is
• 10:10
  the only apology. Well, how can we know if they're
• 10:13
  going to be consistent if we're not around?
• 10:14
  Sometimes you have to, they have to, they have to be able to be
• 10:18
  consistent even in your absence. If they're not consistent with
• 10:23
  you not being around, why would you expect them to be consistent
• 10:26
  with you around? Like you can't be the yeah, you
• 10:28
  can't be the reason that they they work on themselves.
• 10:30
  You can't be the only reason that they go get help because
• 10:32
  that's, that's not sustainable. I'm not saying you're not
• 10:34
  worthy. That's not what I'm saying.
• 10:36
  I'm just saying it's not sustainable that you are the
• 10:38
  only reason that they go get help or they seek help.
• 10:40
  Something like that. Yeah.
• 10:42
  Anyway, y'all, thank you for tuning to another episode.
• 10:44
  I really truly appreciate every single one out.
• 10:45
  I would appreciate you even more if you're going to hit the
• 10:47
  subscribe button, check out joining one of my support
• 10:50
  groups, take more of my courses. Everything about me is at
• 10:54
  mentalillness.net. I will see y'all later.
• 10:57
  I'm thankful for you, grateful for you.
• 10:58
  I'm out. Peace, what's going on?
• 11:00
  Beautiful folks. Thank you so much for making it
• 11:02
  to the end of my video. I truly appreciate it.
• 11:04
  You have no idea. If you haven't already, hit that
• 11:07
  subscribe button. You made it this far, you might
• 11:09
  as well subscribe. It really does help the channel
• 11:12
  y'all helps me reach more people as well.
• 11:14
  Also, I have coaching my courses and my support group available
• 11:18
  at www.mentalillness.net. Thank you so much.
• 11:21
  Make sure you stick around, watch another video or two.
• 11:23
  I appreciate it. I'm out.