Latest / Three Damned Dudes / Episode 12 - Technical Disabilities

Transcript

Episode 12 - Technical Disabilities · Three Damned Dudes

0:36
The. Hey.
0:39
Hey, buddy. OK, welcome to the Three Damn
0:52
Dudes podcast brought to you by Rifle and Ratchet Refinishing
0:56
Rifle and Ratchets located in Taylor, MI and is a veteran
0:59
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1:01
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1:04
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1:18
Nope. I took a tactical pause because
1:22
I wanted to see what you were putting in there.
1:25
But in case you were wondering, it's not just firearms.
1:29
It's also automotive parts, game controllers, golf clubs, really
1:31
anything you can fit in the oven.
1:33
And yeah, they make you. They they make.
1:38
They make you wanna. They make you say wow when they
1:45
they give you your shit back. I got and ladies and gentlemen,
1:50
I got him. Fucker.
1:53
All right, well, that's the show, Gavin.
1:54
You got any safe rounds or anything you wanted to touch on
1:56
for me? Nope.
1:58
I hit. I hit my target goal.
2:03
All right, everybody. That complaints about short
2:05
episodes? They're going to fucking hate
2:07
this one. I'm also disappointed by short
2:12
things in my life. It's OK.
2:16
Yeah, that was that may or may not have been a response I gave
2:21
to somebody who told us that the episode was too short.
2:28
And my response was something to the effect of if I had a dollar,
2:32
I wouldn't be doing this fucking podcast and still working.
2:36
No, he would currently be undergoing surgery for a penile
2:41
enhancement. We're a penile in Smallsmith so
2:44
I hear it more. Oh.
2:48
Yeah. I've seen your Wiener.
2:51
How do you get smaller than that?
2:54
Listen, modern medicine is incredible.
3:02
Basically, if you can dream it, some doctor somewhere in the
3:06
world will do it for enough money.
3:08
So I'm sure you guys have noticed that there's only two of
3:11
the three damn dudes on the show tonight.
3:13
That is because today is Friday the 20th, which is weird because
3:21
that's not Tuesday and we record on Tuesdays.
3:25
We're doing an out of cycle episode so that we have
3:28
something to to push out to you guys, whatever next fucking
3:34
Friday is because I will not be here.
3:38
So this one's going to sit in the chute for like an entire
3:44
fucking week and it's going to be great.
3:48
So I'll let you all know upfront.
3:51
Keep your expectations low. And yeah, I mean, it's going to,
3:58
it's going to be funny. I just don't know if it's going
4:00
to make any coherent fucking sense at all.
4:04
It might just be unfiltered autism for like an hour and a
4:07
half. There's a very good chance of
4:09
that. And you know, the more I say
4:10
that out loud, I feel like that's what it's going to be.
4:13
We're. Probably going to talk about.
4:15
Into reality right now. I am, and now I'm convinced.
4:19
We're going to talk about crank and hog.
4:21
We're going to talk about shit in our pants.
4:24
That's what we're going to talk about.
4:27
I feel like every adult should have a shit in their pants story
4:31
and if not I kind of don't trust them.
4:33
That's what I was going to say. If I meet somebody who hasn't
4:36
shit their pants as a grown human adult, they're not a grown
4:39
human adult. Yeah, it's.
4:42
That tells me it's a little weird.
4:44
That tells me they lack the spine and intestinal fortitude
4:47
to push the limits, and I don't need somebody like that on my
4:51
fucking team, All right? I want to know that you've flown
4:54
too close to the sun and melted your fucking wings at least
4:57
once. It's like, it's like those units
5:02
in the special operations community that actually drown
5:06
you in the pool, so you know what it feels like when you're
5:09
about to drown. Oh, I was.
5:12
I was thinking of like the fucking runs that they go on,
5:15
that they're just like shitting down their legs because they
5:18
can't stop. Oh dude, that that's a normal
5:22
because Thursday for me. You know what this this kind of
5:29
leads me into comment I had on this subject.
5:33
Shit your pants a couple of times as an adult.
5:35
All right, fine, I respect it. We're like, we've all been
5:39
there. However, if you start getting
5:42
into like double digits as an adult, there might be a problem.
5:47
Like go, go see your doctor or just like you got to do
5:52
something about that because there's a fine line there.
5:56
This feels like the Shane Gillis skit when they're all sitting
5:58
around trying to figure out what the age of consent should be
6:02
like. How many times is too many times
6:04
to shit your pants? Like is is too enough?
6:11
I would argue that 2 is not too many.
6:13
I I would say it's over 5. I think that would be my limit.
6:18
OK, and now are we counting like you're you're sick as a dog?
6:26
Like fighting the double dragon? Do those pants shits count?
6:32
I've had those types of illnesses and I've always
6:36
managed to stay on the toilet for those.
6:39
I have never once shit my pants as an adult while I was sick.
6:47
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
6:50
I mean, I fucking hope it's a good thing because at that point
6:53
you have to buy a whole new bed. Like you can't clean that.
6:58
Dude, I had to sell a truck because I shipped my pants.
7:01
I know. Yeah, that that happened.
7:09
Actually, you know what? I'll I'll tell that story.
7:12
That's a funny story. And don't skimp on the details.
7:17
So where should I start with the story then?
7:21
I would start with the morning and the laid up to it.
7:26
OK, so not like all the way back to birth?
7:29
I mean you can. That would definitely help.
7:32
Us tell some time. I shit a lot of things if we're
7:34
going back that far. I think at that point we're just
7:37
trying to pad the runtime and. Yeah, that, yeah, that feels
7:41
like pandering. Yeah.
7:46
Oh God. All right, So what, 5-6 years
7:51
ago now? Fuck me and me and a buddy of
7:57
mine, we both needed to to go to the dump and I was the only one
8:02
of the two of us with a truck to take all of the shit from the
8:04
house to the dump. This other guy, we'll call him,
8:10
think of a, we'll call him Ryan. All right, Ryan with an RRYAN
8:17
and his last initial, last name initial can be DD because that
8:26
brings us back to the hog cranking bullshit we were
8:29
talking about earlier. So Ryan D and I, we have been,
8:35
we have been friends since 2014, 2015 somewhere in there like we,
8:40
we went through the 1st duty station together, basically
8:42
followed each other around our entire military career.
8:45
Ryan D, remember that. That's important because it's a
8:49
fake name because I would never give out my friends names on
8:52
this show. Least not last names.
8:56
No, definitely not last initials that are correct.
9:03
So. So I get all my shit in the
9:06
truck and drive over to Ryan's house, which is all of three
9:09
minutes away. And up a pretty steep hill if I
9:15
remember correctly. I mean.
9:19
Steepish, but that details important.
9:23
That's not that. That's not even where the the
9:26
decision later happened, though. OK.
9:33
We're getting ahead of ourselves.
9:34
Yeah, yeah. So get over to Ryan's house and
9:37
we let all his shit up. We jump in the truck.
9:39
We're going to drive to the jump and he's like, you know what?
9:42
I want coffee, am I OK? Yeah, you know, I can go for a
9:45
coffee. So on the way to the dump
9:49
another 2 minutes up the street is Dunks.
9:53
So we go in there and we both get some like fru fru bullshit.
9:57
I think I got an iced caramel macchiato and drank it with my
10:00
pinkies up. Good choice.
10:03
And felt like a bougie ass bitch that day so I was going to go do
10:06
dirty shit in the dump with Ryan D.
10:14
So we, we both fucking chug the drinks because right now we're
10:17
clean and we're going to have to, you know, go to the dump and
10:19
get dirty. And I don't want to touch a
10:20
fucking beverage. I don't have to fuck with a
10:22
straw. My hands have been all yuck.
10:25
That's gross. All right.
10:26
There's a lot of there's, I've done a lot of gross things.
10:28
Apparently that's where I draw the line.
10:32
So drinks are going to pull into the dump, get everything out.
10:36
It's probably a 25 minute drive back, give or take 5 minutes.
10:42
Right we are. You know what?
10:50
I have a visual aid for this story, so bear with me for all
11:00
of 14 seconds while I find my old house on Google Maps.
11:07
For our audio listeners, he is currently pulling up Google Maps
11:11
and he will be essentially doxing himself from five years
11:16
ago. Yeah, it's fine because neither
11:19
of us live in that area anymore. Share screen.
11:27
And this is the part where you want to tune into the video.
11:31
There's no audio on this. OK, so I used to live back over
11:36
in here somewhere, right? You know what?
11:41
Let's do it this way. Yeah.
11:43
Oh, God. Yeah, that works.
11:45
OK, so I used to live back over in here somewhere in the Green
11:51
Haven neighborhood. This is 100.
11:55
Ryan's house is somewhere over in this neighborhood.
11:59
We're on 100 coming back. We get off on Catherine, which
12:04
is always a fun thing to say out loud.
12:07
Hook this left get out of here going on the road and right here
12:10
is a stop, a stop light at Catherine and Mountain Rd. and
12:16
we get caught at that light. And I don't need to share this,
12:18
actually I do. We get caught at that light.
12:20
There's like 8 cars in front of us and Ryan and I are both
12:25
sweating profusely. Not because what we did was
12:29
particularly strenuous, not because it was fucking hot.
12:34
We're both sweating because we have been trusting farts that we
12:39
had no business trusting for the last 5 minutes.
12:44
And we had. We had gone through this game
12:46
plan right? Like hey your house, Ryan's
12:51
house. It was not conducive to get both
12:54
of us in there quickly to shit. My house was the much better
12:57
option. So while we are stuck at this
13:01
light and while traffic is not moving, I am just staring
13:05
straight ahead and and praying right?
13:10
I hear my passenger side door open and then slam shut and I
13:15
look out my driver side window and I just see Ryan running
13:19
toward his house. So he gets out somewhere in here
13:23
and runs that way and I start laughing, which was not the
13:29
fucking move. About four seconds later, light
13:33
turns green. I go through the intersection
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and there's some of like traffic calming turns and whatnot.
13:42
And I must have like I must have sneezed in my head or remember
13:48
to sneeze from like a decade ago because halfway through these
13:54
traffic calming turns, I lost the fight.
14:00
Gavin, let me ask you this. All of the times that you have
14:03
shit your pants, you ever done it while you were driving?
14:08
No, no, I can't say I have. OK, I trust that I'm not the
14:13
only one that has done this, but what I found to be an
14:17
involuntary response was to put my left foot under where the the
14:24
parking brake was on the truck, on that hard superstructure of
14:28
the truck and like push my shoulders back against the seat
14:33
to keep my ass off of my truck seat while still turning the
14:39
wheel, trying to watch the road, and operating the gas pedal in a
14:42
safe manner. Do you think it's fucking hard,
14:45
that is? I think it's an important note
14:49
in the story that at this point in time, you still had those
14:52
seat covers in the truck. I did.
14:58
That will be an important detail later on.
15:00
Continue. So I am basically doing a
15:09
modified neck bridge all the way through the neighborhood to get
15:13
to my house, pull into the driveway, put the truck in park,
15:18
turn it off, open the garage door and go great.
15:24
Fucking now what? Because I'm in a I'm in a
15:27
neighborhood and the houses are packed fucking tight and I have
15:30
no idea what the consistency of that shit sitting in my
15:35
underwear is. So like I just real real big
15:40
unknowns, right? So I I pop the door handle, kick
15:46
the door open with my left foot, like grab the oh shit handle and
15:51
kind of slide myself out like feet on the ground hit pretty
15:56
hard and I just felt everything like lurch and settle and I went
16:01
Oh no. Did a quick look around to make
16:09
sure that none of my neighbors were outside and watching that,
16:12
and then hobbled into my garage and shut the garage door.
16:16
And then started crying because another important fact about the
16:22
story is I was wearing my 511 pants, my $70 fucking cargo
16:28
pants. I went through Iraq and
16:33
Afghanistan with those pants just to have them get took out
16:37
by dunks stateside. It's fucking bullshit.
16:43
So we'll pause there. We'll pause there and Fast
16:47
forward and then we'll come back.
16:51
There's an important step in there that you're forgetting to
16:54
mention. We'll we'll get there.
16:56
I know you're talking about. We'll get there.
16:58
Yeah. What I found later.
17:02
Go ahead. I didn't.
17:06
Continue. Yeah, I was good.
17:09
As I was, what I found later is that when we were at this part
17:15
of the intersection and Ryan jumped out and started running
17:18
toward his house is he made it to roughly here and then shit
17:24
his pants. This poor bastard had to hobble
17:31
like 2 to four blocks back to his house with ship pants.
17:37
The front door is locked. His wife and kids and dogs are
17:42
all Outback. Maybe they were in the kitchen.
17:45
Either way, no one heard him at the door and I think he was
17:51
probably trying to sneak in and, you know, not not have that be
17:57
the the talk of the house for the next ever.
18:02
But he goes around to the back and the sliding glass door is
18:05
locked and the dogs are staring at him and his wife is standing
18:09
in the kitchen and she's like, what the fuck are you doing?
18:14
And she opens the door and Ryan goes, I show my pants and his
18:22
wife his lovely St. of a wife goes rye again.
18:39
So that's the end of Ryan's story.
18:40
Back to me standing in my ship pants in my garage.
18:44
I panicked and did the only thing, the only sensible thing
18:49
that a grown human adult that just shit his pants for the
18:52
first time would do is I stripped basically fucking butt
18:57
naked in my garage, threw everything I was wearing into
19:02
the trash can that was in the garage and then went in the
19:06
house and tried to start cleaning up.
19:11
I left like a Hershey kiss sad play DoH set of bread crumbs
19:19
from the garage to the toilet on the 1st floor.
19:24
Finished shitting, which no one was more surprised than I was.
19:29
I didn't think there was fucking anything left.
19:33
Cleaned up as much as I could. Cleaned my ass up as much as I
19:38
could and then hobbled the rest of the way upstairs to the
19:43
shower because at that point that's all you can do.
19:49
So I get out of the shower after that horrific fucking mess got
19:57
cleaned up in the shower, go back downstairs and realize the
20:01
trail of shit bread crumbs that I have left for myself, and then
20:04
start cleaning all of that. And then go revisit that first
20:08
floor bathroom that I pit stopped in and finished shitting
20:11
in and realized that I did not clean it up as well as I thought
20:14
I did. So finish cleaning that up.
20:17
So by the time I was done cleaning the inside of the
20:20
house, I had totally forgotten that I left a heaping pile of
20:25
shit clothes in the trash can in the garage.
20:29
Mind you that that garage is not air conditioned.
20:33
It's the middle of the fucking summer and that can is sitting
20:36
right by the garage door. So I was baking a biological
20:41
fucking weapon in the garage and I had forgotten about it all.
20:47
God damn day. Who was it that came home first?
20:55
I think it was our lovely friend Dick.
21:00
It was Dick another another call back to hog cranking.
21:04
All right, yeah, let me stop sharing because I think we're
21:11
done with the the overlay. So Dick, Dick gets home, Dick's
21:18
gross. Dick gets home, goes to the
21:21
garage. Everybody goes to the garage.
21:22
That that was just like the front doors there.
21:24
But it's not it's not for people.
21:26
We don't use the front door. It's ornamental.
21:29
Always this. The front door is the the
21:33
advanced warning that someone who does not belong at my house
21:37
has just showed up to my house. So Dick comes in through the
21:45
garage. That's a fun thing to say.
21:49
So Dick gets home. He walks into like at that
21:54
house, you walk into the garage, the next door is into the
21:57
kitchen. You like J hook left and you're
22:00
looking into the living room, right?
22:06
He walks in, does that J hook and goes, dude, I think
22:10
something's dead in your garage. And I went oh, fuck.
22:17
Oh, no, Oh no, I forgot. So I can't, I can't be like, Oh
22:25
yeah, no, nothing's nothing's dead.
22:29
I shove my pants because I'm not ready to come to terms with that
22:33
yet. That happened less than like
22:35
three hours ago, and I forgot all about it.
22:37
My day had gotten like drastically better and I thought
22:44
I hit it pretty well, but I forgot about all the fucking
22:48
evidence. Got it.
22:51
This was a murder show. I would have been fucked, would
22:54
have been so fucked. So, yeah, I'm like, oh, that's
22:59
that's fucking weird. Apparently my immediate defense
23:03
mechanism is just go straight to gas lighting.
23:07
That's I didn't smell anything. That's fucking weird.
23:09
Not yeah, I don't know, man. We'll wait for a, a good break
23:13
in the weather and, you know, we'll, we'll tear the garage
23:16
apart and find the rat or whatever the fuck's in there.
23:19
It'll, it'll buff whatever. So right that that interaction
23:24
happens and you know, we move on about the day and then my wife
23:29
gets home and she comes in through the garage and she goes,
23:39
God, it smells like shit in the garage.
23:43
And you watched the light bulb go off over Dick's head and he
23:47
just looks at me. He's like, bro, no, no.
24:02
So at that point, the cat was out of the bag.
24:04
And Dick realized that he walked through a cloud of my shit Gas
24:10
and I just didn't. I didn't acknowledge it.
24:12
And Gas let the fuck out of him over it.
24:18
So after the cat was out of the bag, I was sent out to the
24:21
garage with a garbage bag and that specific bag of clothes
24:28
lived outside the garage around the corner until trash day
24:33
happened. Oh fuck.
24:40
So yeah, what's the story of the time that I shook my pants?
24:43
If I remember correctly you also had to throw away those seat
24:46
covers, or at least the one. I'm, I'm pretty sure I, I'm
24:51
pretty sure I did. I, I don't remember.
24:54
Yeah. I mean for what's the matter if
24:58
I threw away the seat covers a year later I sold the fucking
25:01
truck. And he did.
25:04
His ladies disclose that he shit it.
25:07
I did not. It did not make the Carfax so
25:09
fuck it. Man, whoever bought that truck
25:13
next sat in it for the test drive and they're like, this
25:18
smells like shit in here, do you?
25:23
Just the ghost of a Dunks Cup floating around in the rearview
25:26
mirror. Oh, you're going to shit your
25:28
pants? So yeah, PSA ladies and
25:35
gentlemen, remember, you can't unshit your truck, much like you
25:40
can't unshit your pants. Nope.
25:44
And if you do shit your truck, you just got to sell it.
25:48
That's the the only logical solution.
25:54
Yeah. The other running joke with me
25:57
and selling vehicles is that up until very recently, I had never
26:00
bought new tires for any vehicle.
26:07
I'd always gotten out of that vehicle either when it needed
26:11
tires or I got rid of it before it needed them, and then my
26:17
streak was broken with the van. That's probably an important
26:25
one, though. Nah, fuck it.
26:28
We don't need tires. Fuck them rubbers.
26:34
Yeah, I mean, no, you can just fucking slide right down your
26:37
driveway. So it's it's fine.
26:40
Yeah, I mean, honestly, I should get some like I should get some
26:43
skis and tracks for the van. You could.
26:55
You know, I acknowledge that that was an awful fucking idea,
26:57
but now I want to. That would be an awesome idea
27:00
what you mean. Speaking of more awful ideas
27:04
that I just wanted to, I bought a guitar, yeah.
27:17
So the intrusive thoughts won. They usually do.
27:26
That's fair. And I have realized something
27:30
about myself that like quarterly, I will find a thing
27:36
to like obsess about. Hyperfixate on.
27:42
Uh huh. That those those are in fact the
27:45
words that I was that were going on in my head that did not make
27:49
it to the mouth hole. I was hyper fixate.
27:52
The gears turn, huh? So yeah.
27:54
Yeah, I don't, I don't words good.
27:58
I'll hyper fixate on something. I'll either get really smart on
28:01
it or get all of the stuff to do it and then I will move past it.
28:09
Although I will say this for you is an ongoing hyperfixation
28:15
because when I first met you, you were big in the music.
28:19
You had your guitar. We would break it out when we
28:23
were drunk and sing play the. EAS Song.
28:28
Yeah, that and a lot of a day to remember.
28:31
Also just drunk and singing in your kitchen.
28:34
Yeah. So at least this is one that's
28:37
like reoccurring something you can use in the future.
28:45
Yeah, I mean, dude, music has been a thing since, like, for
28:53
fun. Since fucking 2008. 2009 when?
29:04
Yeah, like right before high school, freshman year.
29:08
Somewhere in there started a band with a couple buddies from
29:12
church and you know that timeline doesn't sound right.
29:20
At some point in high school we all got together and started a
29:23
band and we like actually played shows and had a following.
29:30
And most of the following were our girlfriends and their
29:32
friends and some other girls and some of the dudes that were
29:36
interested in some of our girlfriends friends.
29:40
But you know, that's, that's high school band shit.
29:43
I mean. That I, from what I remember,
29:46
you had like, the correct beginnings of it because a lot
29:52
of the bands around those times that got big were like church
29:56
bands doing shows for their churches and then they
29:59
eventually blew up and do a lot of these, like, pop punk,
30:03
fucking emo bands from the late 2000s that we know of.
30:09
So like, you had the beginnings. Yeah.
30:13
You could have made it. And it was, dude, that was a
30:16
super fucking wild ride because like, dude, I'll never forget
30:20
our first show was so fucking bad, dude.
30:26
It was awful. And it was at a church like 2
30:29
1/2 hours away. It's this small little fucking
30:33
church for their youth group, and we were opening for another
30:40
band that weirdly enough, my girlfriend at the time, one of
30:44
her teachers was the guitarist and the band that we were
30:47
opening for, like just just super weird.
30:58
But yeah, do that. That show was, it was awful.
31:01
But we were all so fucking hyped about it and it was such a
31:05
fucking cool experience. But like looking back at it,
31:10
it's like, what? What the fuck?
31:12
We had a song called dot Exp. So like right short for
31:18
experience. I should be Exp dot.
31:20
That's how abbreviations and shit works.
31:24
But dude, it sounded like a fucking wish.com carnival song
31:29
that had unintentional tempo changes in it because our
31:34
drummer at the time did not use a click track.
31:38
But. There was an intentional tempo
31:41
change in there that like actually sounded kind of sick
31:47
because it like it broke into like 1/2 time breakdown.
31:52
It like it was fucking cool. That part was fucking cool.
31:56
The rest of the song was hot dog water.
31:59
Now what was what was your role in the band like?
32:02
Would. So I played the bass because
32:06
that was the easiest instrument to play and I'm halfway
32:12
retarded. I was going to.
32:15
Say a simple man, but. A simple man, just, you know,
32:19
open 247, that's all you need in a hardcore band in 2010.
32:27
So I started out doing that and then for some fucking reason we
32:31
decided that I was going to play bass and do clean vocals.
32:39
So the two worst shows that we ever had were the first show we
32:45
ever played and the first show I ever did clean vocals for the
32:49
band in. Was your voice just like, shit,
32:55
you didn't know what you were doing there?
32:57
What? It was so bad like one I was all
33:01
over the place. So our, our fucking screamer
33:06
Gabe, his dad, he like he was super supportive of what we were
33:12
doing, but he also had a musical like background.
33:20
So he would record all of our shows and we would all like team
33:25
huddle afterward and watch it back.
33:28
And he started playing that because he also listened to what
33:32
happened. Yeah, obviously.
33:34
He starts playing it back and we get like 15 seconds into the
33:38
song and he's like, and I'm going to stop it right there,
33:46
dude. Oh, nobody.
33:51
Listen, everybody's got to start somewhere, and you got your
33:54
start now. Don't ever do that again.
34:01
And he wasn't saying don't ever sing again because I I stayed as
34:04
the clean vocalist and got better.
34:07
But like the combination of nerves and not having like,
34:10
myself and my own monitor, like I couldn't hear anything and was
34:16
just going off of field. Yeah, dude, it was.
34:19
It was OK. It sounded like it sounded like
34:29
a cat. It sounded like a herd of cat.
34:33
A gaggle of cats, if you will, being slowly run over by a
34:39
steamroller. It was awful.
34:43
Please tell me this recording still exists somewhere.
34:45
I fucking hope not. Because I've I've seen the the
34:52
ones that are actually on YouTube that you guys have
34:54
posted from that. Dad posted.
34:58
Yeah, that were, they were, they were decent.
35:02
They were. You know it.
35:04
Was obviously a high school band.
35:07
Yeah, yeah. So I would love to see these the
35:13
actual beginnings of this. You know what?
35:20
Even if it does exist, No. No.
35:27
I just have light bulb pop over my head.
35:30
I believe I may have a way to find those if they do exist and
35:37
you will find out that method eventually.
35:45
I don't know how I feel about this and I don't like how
35:47
cryptic your being, but yeah, OK.
35:51
You'll be along for the ride, so it's OK.
35:59
That method. So what Gavin's talking about is
36:03
the trip to Michigan that Gavin and I are going on in April,
36:11
which. Actually isn't, Yeah, for the
36:14
sole purpose of some of you guys meeting up to rerecord some of
36:20
your old stuff, right? Yeah, yeah.
36:23
I said we, we, we just had a double Segway.
36:27
Is that a? I almost had a quad way, but seg
36:31
is not indicative of two. So is it just segs, is that, is
36:36
that what we're doing right now? I don't like that, but it kind
36:43
of, yeah, maybe. So Gavin and I are going back to
36:46
Michigan because myself and the dudes from We the Redeemed,
36:52
which was the band I was in in high school and the dudes from,
37:02
it's probably fine to to name drop them, right?
37:07
I don't know who you're talking about so I can't give you an
37:11
opinion. So the dudes from We The
37:14
Redeemed and the dudes from Are We Dreaming, a local Michigan
37:18
band. We used to all occupy the same
37:22
space back in high school to the point of I think we played a
37:27
show together at some point. But like I was I was in We The
37:31
Redeemed and my middle brother was the basis for Are We
37:37
Dreaming like the first iteration of it.
37:42
Fast forward to about a year ago, Are We Dreaming got back
37:46
together and started putting music out again.
37:50
I have been talking to Gabe and Jake, so the screamer and the
37:54
guitarist about getting back together and doing some sort of
37:58
reunion show or just doing something off and on for like
38:03
the last eight years. So everything is finally coming
38:09
together. So are We Dreaming and We the
38:12
Redeemed are going to have a sick fucking jam sesh at one of
38:18
the guys in Are We Dreaming's house while Gather and I are in
38:21
town. And the goal is also to
38:25
rerecord. Either it's not Orange, it's
38:31
Euchre, which is going to kill with the Michigan crowd, or
38:36
Giles Corey, which is going to kill with anyone that was in a
38:42
10th grade English literature class.
38:44
And I had to read that fucking book.
38:50
So yeah, stay tuned for for some revamped fucking high school
38:55
cringe core. It's going to be fucking great.
38:59
Just now we're all grown up. And while he's doing this, I'm
39:04
going to be meeting Gabe and finding those original tapes,
39:08
and we'll have a segment right here on the podcast making fun
39:11
of Mike. There's a good chance that we
39:14
will be all together in the same room.
39:18
Potentially we we may try to put together a live show at that
39:23
event and talk to the Are we dreaming dudes?
39:28
Because they've got, they're working on some stuff and I've
39:33
offered them the invitation to come on and talk about it before
39:37
it happens or as it happens. And really, they have a standing
39:41
invitation as they do more stuff to come on and talk about it.
39:47
So I'm going to need you to probably at least bring your
39:50
mic. Yeah, I was kind of planning on
39:55
doing that anyways, because I know that we had the beginnings
40:00
of an idea of doing a show with everybody together.
40:07
Yep. And then the sorry, go ahead.
40:11
Yeah, it was just because our absent damn dude is in Michigan.
40:19
So. Yeah, and you see, what Jimmy
40:23
doesn't know yet is one of the days that Gavin and I are there,
40:28
we're going to go hang out at Jimmy's house and we're going to
40:30
do a ghost hunt in Jimmy's house.
40:33
We're going to fucking talk to the laundry ghost.
40:37
And depending on what day it is, we're going to try him, try to
40:41
get him to do our laundry while we're at it.
40:45
You know, I might shit my pants just to see if I can get a ghost
40:48
to clean them. Or at the very least, just leave
40:53
shitty pants in Jimmy's house. Just hide them somewhere and go
40:57
oh weird the laundry goes shit his pants and left him in your
41:00
house. Oh God that's gross.
41:03
Why would he do that? Yikes.
41:09
Oh shit. So I mean, that's a yeah, that's
41:17
in a very roundabout way. That is my I show my pants story
41:23
and also some things for all of you at home to look forward to
41:29
in like the next two months. Yep, Yep, you're correct.
41:40
So yeah, I wonder what I'm going to.
41:43
So where'd you set again? Hyperfixite.
41:47
Yeah, that one. There you go.
41:49
I wonder what I'm going to hyperfixite on next.
41:56
I think it's going to be the trees.
41:59
I already did that and for for whatever reason like I.
42:03
Don't already? I thought you Yeah.
42:05
Hadn't gotten them in yet. No, they're, they're not
42:08
delivered yet, but the hyperfixation rabbit hole that
42:11
has already happened that happened leading up to me
42:14
deciding what I what trees I was going to order.
42:17
Oh yeah, no, I was talking about when they actually get there,
42:20
because I feel like once you have the trees in hand, you're
42:24
going to spiral completely. Well, I were you on the episode
42:29
where I pulled up the overlay for the front field.
42:32
No, I was not. I believe so.
42:35
Fucking buddy. All right, Gavin, tell me about
42:38
how you shit your pants while I try to find this my.
42:46
Shitting my pants story is nowhere near as entertaining as
42:51
Mike's is. Oh give you that.
42:54
You definitely have me beat in the theatrics there.
42:58
Because mine was relatively simple.
43:01
It wasn't anything I ate, it wasn't coffee induced.
43:05
This was pure exertion that did this to me.
43:13
So remember the story now. Used to work with a mutual
43:21
friend of ours who was a Marine. And he was like, hey, you want
43:29
to go work out? Like after work, I was like,
43:32
yeah, sure, I'll meet you at the gym.
43:34
Right. So we get there and he goes, oh,
43:38
by the way, we're hitting legs and I'm like OK, cool, now my
43:42
favorite thing to do, but I'm here for it.
43:46
Now this man, he'd been in say like 8 or 9 years at this point.
43:54
So he was so well established and definitely a Marine.
44:00
And what I mean by that was he was significantly stronger than
44:04
me. He was lifted like twice of what
44:06
I was lifting. And we go over and we're doing
44:13
some packs. What?
44:15
And it was probably a second or third set by this point.
44:22
And he would get up, he would do his weight and then he'd jump
44:27
off and he'd help me on the rack, his weight.
44:31
And it was just literally just taking a 45 off each side.
44:35
And then I'd hop on and do fine. We had start riffing and getting
44:42
into the conversation and neither one of us realize that
44:45
we did not take his weight off the hack squat.
44:51
So I get up there being fucking ballsy, didn't think anything of
44:56
it. I hit like the first two and I
44:59
was like, fuck, this is this is heavy.
45:03
I don't know why but I'm going to push this.
45:09
I get down on I would say about the 5th Rep and I feel a fart
45:17
coming and I am fully squatted at this point.
45:23
I was like I have to go up like I'm trapped under this.
45:27
So I'm like fuck it I'm going to trust it and push.
45:31
And I get about halfway up the Rep and I'm pushing and I feel
45:37
the fart and I'm like, I'm just going to let it RIP.
45:39
And I let it RIP. And I feel something wet.
45:49
And I go oh shit, and get to the top of the Rep in the racket.
45:57
And I look back at him and he's got this oh shit, like face of
46:03
realization because he heard the Fort, but he also realized we
46:10
hadn't taken his weight off of the hack squat.
46:18
There he goes. I didn't take my weight off.
46:22
And I was like, Yep, that's why we're so heavy.
46:25
He says, are you good? And I go no.
46:29
And we're at the base gym, right?
46:31
Like, I don't know, if you ever have gone the gym on Fort Meade,
46:38
then you know, you come in, you go through the little hallway
46:42
and it opens up into the full gym.
46:46
The bathrooms are right by the entrance and the locker rooms,
46:50
all that. The hack squat is in the corner
46:54
furthest away from them. And it's not.
47:00
It's not like a small gym either.
47:03
No, it's not. This was easily, I want to say
47:10
like what, 100 and 5200 feet? I mean, you could put a couple
47:15
indoor soccer fields in there. Yeah, so I have to you do that.
47:24
I did that little like oh shit, but clench that you do when you
47:29
feel like a fart that you don't trust.
47:32
Except I already trusted the fart it there.
47:36
There was no coming back from that.
47:38
I was just trying to keep it in my pants.
47:43
So I had to do this the hobble like 200 feet across the gym to
47:50
the bathroom and there there wasn't really much I could do at
47:55
this point. I went in, found my gym bag that
47:58
had my working pants in them, pulled those out, took them over
48:05
the shower, got in the shower and stripped down and took a
48:11
little impromptu shower there and tried to clean up as best as
48:16
I could. And I mean, at that point the
48:21
pants were already ruined, I just didn't really have any
48:25
other options. So I just kind of followed them
48:26
up, threw them in the trash, put my working pants on and went
48:31
back out to keep working out because they're like, it already
48:36
happened. So I was like, there's no point
48:39
in going home or anything like that.
48:41
Took a shower in the locker room and so.
48:45
Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that you led the poopy parade
48:50
and then functionally puked and rallied and got the fuck back
48:53
out there? Yes, because they.
48:56
Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, I mean, that's that's the
49:00
thing. There was nothing else to do at
49:02
that point. I was like, there's no reason I
49:04
would have finished working out, so fuck it, I would have.
49:07
Called in to work and been like, yeah, I'm not coming in today.
49:10
I don't feel good. This this was after work, yeah.
49:15
So. Hey, I can't come in tomorrow, I
49:18
need a mental health day. Why?
49:20
I shook my pants. Oh God.
49:24
Which what been a valid excuse, he would have understood.
49:28
He was, he was kind of my boss at the time.
49:31
Sort. Kind of maybe it might have been
49:37
right before he took over this section.
49:40
I don't quite remember. But he was still, yeah, he was
49:44
still like my Direct Line. You shook your pants in front of
49:48
your boss. Yes, yes I did.
49:53
And you guys are still friends? Yeah.
49:55
Yes, we are. It is I.
49:57
Love that. Yeah.
49:59
Did he ever shit his pants in front of you?
50:03
Not that I can remember, no. I I wouldn't make the argument
50:07
that a true friend would shit their pants in solidarity.
50:11
You think he should have shit his pants?
50:15
Just you know what? He He also has a standing
50:21
invitation to come on the podcast.
50:23
Whenever we get him on, we'll pose that question to him.
50:27
Be like, hey, why didn't you shit your pants with me?
50:31
Yeah. Would have made me really feel
50:33
seen. A good picture is response, and
50:39
it's fucking. Hilarious.
50:41
Same. Oh fucking hell.
50:46
But like I said, nowhere near as exciting as yours.
50:50
But I'm a grown man. I I have a story about shitting
50:54
myself. Yes, naturally.
50:57
Before we get into this front field debacle, there's a segment
51:05
that we missed. Hey Mike, what are you drinking
51:09
tonight? 00 We're doing this fucking out
51:14
of cycle. Thrown off?
51:18
You can't tell. I am drinking a spin drift.
51:24
It's got real squeezed fruit is a lemon lime made and it's
51:30
unsweetened and it's sparkling water.
51:39
Oh, so no, no bourbon tonight, OK.
51:43
No, I I I reserved that for for Tuesdays and this is a joke.
51:47
That will probably be another topic for an episode where all
51:55
three of us are on again. But listen, you can't drink
51:59
bourbon every day because if you do it, it becomes less special
52:08
that you're drinking bourbon. And I don't ever want to get to
52:12
the point where it's not special because I love that for me.
52:19
I would argue that there is a point where you can do it every
52:24
day. Case in point, my grandfather,
52:29
before he passed, he he kind of. Yeah.
52:36
What? What you.
52:40
Never heard the wood. OK Mike, just found the hard
52:45
reset button for my brain. Because RIP in peace my dude.
52:53
I don't even remember what the fuck I was going to say.
52:57
You were talking about how your grandfather was an alcoholic.
53:01
Yes, no, there wasn't really denying that fact.
53:04
However, he kind of, he could kind of tell towards the end
53:08
when he was getting close, but every day he would, I mean, he
53:15
had Parkinson's Louis by so like he was in the best of shape, but
53:21
he had to have his and he loved Jim Beam and he would do Jim
53:26
Beam and Coke every day. However, the ratios got smaller
53:34
and smaller every day as time went on to where he would
53:40
request one. And towards the end, it was
53:42
just, you know, a couple fingers, Jim Beam and like a
53:47
drop of coke and that was it. And yeah, I feel like he went
53:52
out on a high note. He, he was enjoying himself in
53:56
those days. So.
53:58
Well, that's good. Yeah.
54:09
Oh yeah. Moral of the story, if you're an
54:12
alcoholic, you can drink every day.
54:14
It's fine. Yeah, you can do drugs all day
54:19
if you're an addict. So really fucked up Segway.
54:33
Oh God. But so my, my grandfather, he
54:43
was a Marine in Vietnam, right? He, we didn't really see him a
54:46
whole lot, didn't interact with him.
54:49
Like occasionally wrote letters back and forth and then like
54:52
once a year would get him on the phone.
54:57
Yeah. Towards the end there he was
55:01
living with a buddy of his, and this buddy, certifiably batshit
55:07
crazy right, also had the Parkinson's.
55:15
OK. And this was like really my
55:18
first time like experiencing this.
55:22
This was like, and probably right after boot camp, so my
55:26
sense of humor was already all fucked up.
55:30
And it's me and my 2 younger brothers and my mom.
55:32
We're just visiting, OK. And his roommates sitting on
55:38
it's like sitting on the stairs right by the front door and
55:41
we're all sitting around like the TV and he's kind of set back
55:45
off to the right just, you know, fucking vibing.
55:50
And we're all talking and not of nowhere.
55:51
He's like pistols and chocolate. We're having a fucking party.
55:59
We're like what? The what?
56:01
Fuck, what? We weren't talking about any of
56:08
that, but oh, OK, man, All right.
56:11
Are you just sitting over there like fucking shaking?
56:14
And I see this and I, I turned to one of my brothers and this
56:24
is really when I realized that I, I default to letting the
56:28
intrusive thoughts win because I had an inside thought that
56:31
should have stayed on the inside.
56:35
So I look at him over there, you know, shaking.
56:38
And my thought is, God, it's got to be so easy to Jack off with
56:44
Parkinson's. Said that out well.
56:52
Said that out loud quietly to my brother who is sitting next to
56:56
me. So I leaned over to my brother
57:00
and said this and he goes and I start to move back toward, you
57:08
know, center stage. And there is already a hand that
57:13
is on the fucking way to the backside of my head for saying
57:18
some dumb shit. Courtesy of Air Mom, she heard
57:23
that and I I didn't have the pleasure of watching her
57:26
reaction, but I can imagine it took everything in her being to
57:32
not fucking to be an adult and just smack me and move on
57:38
because I I definitely deserved it for that one.
57:41
But that was fucking funny. Oh yeah, 100%.
57:47
I'm sure that would have that. That definitely would have
57:52
gotten the reaction. But moms, I mean, they're on top
57:56
of that shit. So God, it's got to be so easy
58:01
to Jack off with Parkinson's. It's just like a built in
58:06
vibrator. You don't even have to do any of
58:12
the work, you just just hang on. Oh.
58:18
God. It's that's got to be the
58:21
laziest hog crank in the history of man.
58:25
Hey, but it's still hog cranking towards the end.
58:28
Hell yeah, brother. Hell yeah, brother.
58:36
I guess the question is, do you think he was?
58:41
Was he cranking one for Wilford? There's a week.
58:43
Was he cranking one for Michael J Fox?
58:50
All right, I'm done with the intrusive thoughts.
58:52
Those are all jokes, folks. Those are all.
58:54
Jokes. Oh fucking hell all.
59:00
Right, I it's a segue away from that.
59:04
Yeah, let's talk about my SO. Yeah.
59:07
What the fuck are you drinking? There we go.
59:09
Sorry. Sam Adams cold snap.
59:11
It's the seasonal one that comes out around this time of year and
59:15
it is notoriously hard to find around here, but it's great.
59:21
How would you describe it? And 16 words or less.
59:27
Ah, unfiltered and lively, this crisp white ale gets a kick from
59:33
a bright blend of smooth spring spice, no.
59:37
Too many words. Fuck, I'm blaming Sam Adams for
59:41
that one because I was just breathing.
59:51
Oh shit. All right.
59:53
You want to see the plan for the front field then.
59:56
Yeah, might as well. We're just recycling bits at
59:59
this point, so. Wow, so this is the plan, right?
1:00:05
So the green circles are going to be basically anchor points,
1:00:10
so 3 to 5 trees within three to five square feet to introduce
1:00:16
from an added level of competition, which functionally
1:00:22
gives a 30 to 40% boost to growth for the things that are
1:00:27
planted in that no pod. It's it's the Milwaukee method
1:00:33
is a Japanese botanist or horticulturist or wherever the
1:00:37
fucking right sciency word is like I figured this shit out.
1:00:42
Yellow, basically going to be berms or light terrain features
1:00:46
acting as funnels, more or less white circles, just open
1:00:51
meadowed areas. Probably wildflowers.
1:00:55
So like things, things for pollinators, but also food
1:00:59
plots. And we were playing around with
1:01:04
digging A seasonal pond down here because right, that's the
1:01:07
apple tree that didn't drop anything last year.
1:01:10
So over here on the flattish spot, digging that and
1:01:15
potentially putting a pond liner down, but I, I don't know if
1:01:18
that's going to shake that or not.
1:01:21
Say just with the with like the elevation chains change that you
1:01:26
have going up this hill. If you put that pond down there,
1:01:30
all of that fucking runoff is going to go straight into there.
1:01:35
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
1:01:38
So this, this there's a good chance that this won't happen.
1:01:42
But this is also we marked out the rough floodplain if the the
1:01:47
Creek were to surge just so that anything that we do put down
1:01:52
there, it needs to be able to handle that and tolerant of
1:01:56
exceptionally wet environments. But yeah, that's the rough the
1:02:02
rough plan. Nice.
1:02:08
OK. So I've already, I've already
1:02:10
gone down the hyper fixation rabbit hole and like me and the
1:02:14
one Canadian guy that listens to this show, we fucking not.
1:02:17
We he mapped all this shit out and we mapped all the green out
1:02:22
and then I put the white circles and the yellow dots in there.
1:02:28
Hell yeah. Well.
1:02:30
That's cool. Yeah.
1:02:31
There's going to be a a pretty significant work day at my house
1:02:36
and the next couple months whenever those fucking trees get
1:02:39
in. Hey kids man.
1:02:41
You got free labor though. Yeah I don't trust my 3 year old
1:02:46
to to man a fucking auger yet so.
1:02:50
Nah, just give her a post digger whatever fun.
1:02:55
Chops half her fucking foot off. I mean, you can gather like one
1:03:02
of the little baby square shovels, just only a little hand
1:03:09
ones. Hell, I've got an E tool around
1:03:12
here somewhere. I'll bring it up to her.
1:03:15
I also have an E tool that is on my pack for Colorado trips that
1:03:21
I used to dig pooping holes. Bring it up to her and I'll say
1:03:25
happy Thanksgiving. Happy.
1:03:28
Thanks. Thanks Val and Miss Day.
1:03:32
Yeah, something like that. Happy birth, miss.
1:03:36
Happy Chrysler. Happy Chrysler.
1:03:43
But yeah, I am. I'm pretty excited about that
1:03:45
Michigan trip. I'm super excited to see how the
1:03:50
dynamic, the dynamic between the three of us changes when we're
1:03:55
all sitting in the same room. I feel like it's going to end up
1:04:06
a lot like episode 11 did, just with a lot more like cutting up
1:04:14
and us losing our shit for like 10 or 15 minutes at a time.
1:04:19
Yeah. Man, our editor is going to hate
1:04:23
us for that one. Yeah, that guy.
1:04:26
That guy might fucking quit after that honestly.
1:04:29
Yeah, he might. So we're going to have to give
1:04:32
that guy a raise. Wait, you guys are getting paid?
1:04:39
I'm just out here doing it for the love of the game.
1:04:41
Like Jimmy with this 10,000 Dicks.
1:04:48
Sounds like your ex-wife I. Don't know, that's a pretty high
1:04:56
number. Well, I mean.
1:05:03
Hang on, I'm I'm doing something.
1:05:05
OK, you're, you're doing the math on this, aren't you?
1:05:10
That's 27.27, almost 27 1/2 years of sucking a Dick every
1:05:20
day. And we're going to start
1:05:25
referring to her as Bonnie Blue 2 point O.
1:05:31
Or we can just stop talking about it.
1:05:34
I don't think you, Jimmy, or the audience will let that happen.
1:05:38
Oh no, not on the slide this. Yeah, that's 10,000 / 365 is
1:05:45
27.3972602739726 all. Right.
1:05:51
If we're going to do the rabble on this, you got to look up the
1:05:54
average time it takes a guy to bust and then try to calculate
1:05:59
that in 24 hours to see how many she could get through in a day.
1:06:07
So what you're what you're saying is the question at its
1:06:10
root is how long would it take to suck 10,000 Dicks?
1:06:18
Yes. I'm asking.
1:06:25
ChatGPT. I was about to say like, yeah,
1:06:27
we got a, we have a whole ChatGPT up for this one.
1:06:30
Because like, that's, that's a whole lot of math.
1:06:33
That is. That's a whole lot of thinking.
1:06:35
And that's a whole lot of weird shit in your search history that
1:06:39
you don't want to be there. Oh yeah, I've got ChatGPT.
1:06:48
History is fucked how? Long would.
1:06:52
It take an average ever act at that's how you spell it.
1:06:58
Person to suck 10,000 Dicks 10,000 average Dicks attached to
1:07:15
average men. Average person so 10,000 average
1:07:21
Dicks. I was about.
1:07:25
Average man on average. Oh no, that's no, it's going to
1:07:35
tell me that it can't do this inappropriate question.
1:07:39
You better fucking answer it. And we're wait, I I would be
1:07:46
willing to bet. Oh, Oh my God.
1:07:51
Oh please share with the class. Oh God.
1:08:03
OK, so if you treat this purely as a math overtime estimation
1:08:10
problem and keep it non graphic, right, Which that way, yeah,
1:08:14
that's the intent. You can ballpark it by deciding
1:08:19
how long one average encounter less and how much rest time is
1:08:24
needed. So walking through it step by
1:08:27
step it wants me to 1 pick an average time per person.
1:08:34
And no so there isn't a real universal number.
1:08:36
So using reasonable hypothetical averages, a very fast scenario
1:08:44
would be 30 seconds per person. That's insane.
1:08:48
That's insane. All right, hold on.
1:08:49
I'll take one for the team because I'll give you whoa, no,
1:08:55
that's not where I was going with that.
1:08:58
Well, hang on. I'm going to give you numbers to
1:09:01
feed in the ChatGPT and it's reading the response.
1:09:19
All right, the very fast scenario, 30 seconds.
1:09:21
Quick but realistic, one minute per person.
1:09:24
More typical encounter pace, 3 minutes per person.
1:09:31
So that's the the average time per person.
1:09:35
Number 2 is the raw time which they did that on purpose.
1:09:47
So at the at the very fast scenario being 30 seconds per
1:09:50
person, the total time for 10,000 would be 5000 minutes or
1:10:00
83 hours. And that's if every dude took 30
1:10:04
seconds. One minute would be right.
1:10:08
10,000 minutes because it's 10,000 Dicks and one Dick per
1:10:11
minute. That's 167 hours. 3 minutes
1:10:14
would be this math is stupid. 30,000 minutes which is 500
1:10:18
hours. Fuck I feel like a fucking idiot
1:10:21
now. And three add human reality
1:10:26
breaks, fatigue and sleep. No no one works non-stop.
1:10:31
So assume 8 hours a day of active time.
1:10:34
Rest, meals and recovery are included.
1:10:37
So converted to a real world duration for the very fastener,
1:10:45
you being 30 seconds a person approximately 10 days.
1:10:52
Oh, you got those numbers up. She's working like 1216 hour
1:10:56
day. She's doing that field well with
1:10:57
the game like. The one minute metric would be
1:11:01
21 days. The three minute metric would be
1:11:03
63 days. So the most realistic number we
1:11:11
can come up with is it would take Jimmy about two months to
1:11:16
get through those 10,000 Dicks we talked about in episode 11,
1:11:22
and that's nine to five, just Dong to the face for 63 days.
1:11:33
Jesus. That is horrific.
1:11:36
Yeah, Yeah, we got to, we got to hit him with this when he gets
1:11:43
back, be like, hey, so we've got the we got business proposition
1:11:47
for you. But yeah, I'm going to like it.
1:11:52
You can work some overtime, you know, knock some of those Dicks
1:11:55
off early. But you know.
1:12:03
Were you were you on for the episode with Luke Episode 3?
1:12:07
No, I wasn't. OK, so Luke went down a rabbit
1:12:13
hole and described this massive raccoon that he encountered
1:12:17
either at boot camp or MCT. OK, so naturally I go to ChatGPT
1:12:32
and how he described it, it was a 30 LB raccoon.
1:12:36
That is a 30 LB raccoon fucking. And I said I said you know what?
1:12:42
That's not funny enough. So make it muscular.
1:12:45
What? The fuck?
1:12:56
And it gave me some options there, right?
1:12:58
So what was OK? Response one?
1:13:03
Yeah. Response 2, Definitely.
1:13:05
So I said response 2 with prison tattoos.
1:13:11
Fucking. Pit bull.
1:13:18
And I said, well, this happened on a Marine Corps installation.
1:13:21
So now put a Marine Corps drill instructor campaign cover on him
1:13:26
and that is Benny. That is Benny the Raccoon from
1:13:30
episode 3, ladies and gentlemen. I would be terrified if I saw
1:13:34
that thing running at me fucking.
1:13:36
Right. Like I I live in the South,
1:13:39
we've got some pretty big raccoons down here, but I go and
1:13:46
yeah. Yeah, now I'm still staring at
1:13:50
him like that's that's terrifying.
1:13:53
And they even have thumbs so he could be shooting steroids.
1:13:56
Now here's here's the real question.
1:13:59
A raccoon can fit in a gap. It's roughly like 3 or 4 inches
1:14:03
wide. That fucking?
1:14:04
Raccoon, do you think Benny's fitting up there?
1:14:09
No, I don't think any normal person could boof Benny.
1:14:15
You, you knew where I was going with that?
1:14:17
Yeah. I yeah, I know exactly where you
1:14:19
were going with that. Oh, Jesus.
1:14:24
I have been sitting on that picture of Benny for weeks,
1:14:31
months. We got to put them on a T-shirt
1:14:34
like that's when we inevitably get a merch store up and
1:14:38
running. Ladies and gentlemen, we will
1:14:41
speaking. Of that, I'm going to say in the
1:14:45
next three months we may have one or two T-shirts.
1:14:57
I also want to get our logo on a couple flags on Amazon and like
1:15:04
order custom flags and potentially do a giveaway.
1:15:10
That's news to me. Well, yeah, it's news to
1:15:12
everybody. I'm I'm saying that I'm speaking
1:15:15
it into existence right now. So the problem is you guys.
1:15:20
Oh no, what my kit. That's a flattering fucking Yep.
1:15:27
No, I love this. My camera is doing dumb shit and
1:15:32
I'm back there. We Go would not be an episode,
1:15:36
ladies and gentlemen, without technical issues in some way,
1:15:38
shape or form. No, and what's crazy is Jimmy
1:15:41
and I use Gopros for our webcam. Gavin has a $60.00 fucking
1:15:47
webcam that has never had this fucking issue.
1:15:52
No, no it has not. It's a moral of the story.
1:15:58
I don't know what the fucking moral is, but honestly I'm
1:16:01
getting sick of this fucking GoPro man.
1:16:03
I'm hearing this. GoPro Gopros aren't worth the
1:16:06
money. GoPro, hook me up with a fucking
1:16:09
13. It's fucking bullshit.
1:16:17
I had some. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:16:20
Merch news to you. Yeah, it's news to everybody
1:16:22
because you guys for some fucking reason decided that I
1:16:28
should have a microphone and access to a platform where I can
1:16:32
just fucking say shit and then it either does or doesn't
1:16:35
happen. And if it does happen, good for
1:16:39
all of us. And if it doesn't, I or all of
1:16:43
us look like assholes. Yes, that is true.
1:16:51
But basically, there's another another company that I wish that
1:17:03
made it through to the recording.
1:17:05
So Gavin just gave me a round of applause.
1:17:07
But you find folks at home aren't going to hear it.
1:17:10
That's why I stopped. And yeah, all right.
1:17:13
It it threw me off too because I forgot that that doesn't come
1:17:16
through my own headphones. So I pressed it and nothing
1:17:21
happened. I was like oh fuck.
1:17:24
Yep. But yeah, another, another
1:17:30
company that I've been giving my money to off and on and quite a
1:17:39
bit of money unfortunately, and probably again here pretty soon.
1:17:44
They have a, they have a merge store that's hosted by a
1:17:47
different company and I need to have the conversation with them
1:17:50
about what their relationship looks like and, and how they
1:17:53
handle that. Because if like the shirts are
1:17:58
made to order and and the company just has the SPG on
1:18:00
file, that's that means that we don't have to buy like 100
1:18:08
shirts. Yeah, we don't have to do it.
1:18:10
Double X. Then bolt.
1:18:12
That's pretty simple. But I, I don't know if that's
1:18:16
the case. If it is, you know, we're going
1:18:18
to have shirts and a storefront in like 3 fucking months as soon
1:18:22
as Alex fucking starts turning out some shirts again.
1:18:26
There we go. Keep an eye out for AK.
1:18:29
Love you. Bye Benny.
1:18:36
You'll have to go on a shirt. Yep.
1:18:37
So Alex, when you hear this, hit me up and I will.
1:18:40
I'll send you the picture of Benny and I'll let you do do
1:18:43
with that what you're going to. But yeah, I think it, I think
1:18:49
it'd be cool to have to have merch, but I definitely probably
1:18:53
sooner than that three months, I want to get a couple flags with
1:18:56
the logo on it, the new logo and I'll probably get one with the
1:19:00
old logo just because, you know, that's, that's where we started.
1:19:04
That was the OG. See, I feel like we're still in
1:19:08
this like starting, beginning stage.
1:19:12
Every time we, you know, publish something there, you know, sit
1:19:17
down and press that record button.
1:19:19
I always have that like, oh, shit moment.
1:19:21
I was like, oh, we're saying dumb shit.
1:19:25
It's actually getting put out to the world.
1:19:28
Some people enjoy it. Like fuck, we're doing the
1:19:32
thing. Yeah, like when we went live on
1:19:36
YouTube and had had people actually consuming our media on
1:19:42
YouTube, I was like, oh fuck. Oh no.
1:19:49
Yeah. So yeah, dude, this has been
1:19:52
one. This is wild that the three of
1:19:55
us, sometimes the two of us, we're just out here talking
1:20:00
about shit that's interesting and doing our best to stay away
1:20:03
from overly political or like the Super fucking dicey topics.
1:20:10
Because right, this whole thing started as the reminder to reach
1:20:13
out to. Reach out to the people that you
1:20:16
went through the suck. Whatever the suck was for you
1:20:20
was to keep in touch with the people that you went through the
1:20:21
suck with, right? That is, that is the impetus of
1:20:26
the platform that we have. Because this this was the
1:20:31
originally a drunken idea that got born into fruition when we
1:20:39
realized we just kind of weren't talking enough.
1:20:43
Like we fell off every once in a while.
1:20:45
It'd be a couple of weeks and it was like this used to be a dude
1:20:49
that like I talked with every day.
1:20:53
So this was kind of an Ave. to fix that.
1:20:58
And we have a few things that may or may not be stored on the
1:21:03
drive somewhere that you guys might hear one day eventually
1:21:08
that we're kind of like the, I don't know, just kind of like
1:21:14
the feelers. Like the test run episodes of
1:21:20
sitting down, figuring everything out, figuring out,
1:21:23
you know, the camera, the mics getting set up.
1:21:26
And it was just an excuse to, you know, kind of shoot the shit
1:21:30
for an hour, have some dedicated time to, you know, just catch up
1:21:36
and be belligerent again. And then it fucking snowballed
1:21:44
and it became a real thing, so. And it turns out it's super
1:21:53
fucking easy to start your own fucking podcast.
1:21:57
Yeah, so any, any three idiots with a microphone and a webcam
1:22:02
and you know, access to Amazon for these things can just go and
1:22:07
do this. You don't have to have any
1:22:09
qualifications. You don't even have to fuck say
1:22:12
anything. You just, you know, put it out
1:22:15
there. Yeah, there's no, there's no
1:22:17
test. You don't have to pass a fucking
1:22:19
exam. And if any of you guys out there
1:22:22
are like playing around with the idea of doing the same thing,
1:22:26
hit us up cuz like this, there's no point in fucking gatekeeping
1:22:32
what we're doing because we just figured it the fuck out and
1:22:36
there's no point in you having to figure it the fuck out on
1:22:37
your own. So if this kind of dumb shit is
1:22:41
something that you are also interested in, hit us up.
1:22:44
We'll fucking talk about it. We'll we'll give you some of the
1:22:47
lessons learned that we have. Just fucking do it.
1:22:55
Yeah, just have fun. Really.
1:22:58
Like, that's the biggest thing, because we don't care if this
1:23:01
ever fucking blows up or becomes a real thing, you know?
1:23:07
Like we're just doing it to have fun, shoot the shit so.
1:23:12
Like this is 3 damn dudes just catching up every week and we
1:23:15
decided to bring the entire world that either found it or
1:23:20
stumbled across it along for the fucking ride.
1:23:26
Yep, so. So I guess a teaser, The episode
1:23:42
we record March 10th will be our first guest.
1:23:50
That is not a sponsor, that will be our first actual guest.
1:23:57
That is just straight up a guest.
1:24:06
I'm sorry some fucking dumb shit popped up on my computer and I
1:24:09
don't know how to make it go away.
1:24:14
You hit hit windows CMD enter and then IN IT0 enter.
1:24:27
Oh no, there we go. All right, it's this new fucking
1:24:33
Windows Update, dude. I fucking, I hate it.
1:24:37
Aaron do so much shit. It's just unnecessary.
1:24:41
Yeah, fucking winters. Again, more.
1:24:47
Technical difficulties. We should have called the show 3
1:24:55
Damn Dudes with Technical difficulties.
1:24:59
I can just be the title. Technical dysfunction.
1:25:04
Technical disabilities. Oh yeah, yeah, I can.
1:25:13
I can be the title of this episode.
1:25:20
I mean, I was leaning more toward jacking off with
1:25:22
Parkinson's or the fun shakes. But yeah, you know, technical
1:25:31
disabilities that that, that sounds probably better.
1:25:34
Yeah. Yeah.
1:25:38
But with us, with us going live on YouTube, keep an eye out for
1:25:44
a shit ton of shorts getting posted there because I found
1:25:51
that it's kind of a pain in the ass to edit shorts.
1:25:55
And what Riverside does is the AI in there.
1:25:57
It guesses things that were kind of funny to the AI, but not
1:26:02
necessarily funny to real human beings.
1:26:05
It's trying, but it's not there yet, so Bethesda does it for us.
1:26:12
We'll probably take the majority of those and post those as
1:26:16
shorts on on the Youtubes. And eventually, those of you
1:26:26
that use it might never end up exporting some of those to
1:26:32
TikTok to just, you know, try to kinda scatter shot.
1:26:40
Just get up on every platform and see what does the best
1:26:44
reaches the widest audience. Yeah, because we're going to be
1:26:48
fucking everywhere, which sounds weird for a couple of guys who
1:26:51
don't really give a fuck if this thing takes off at all, because
1:26:55
we're basically everywhere. Basically, and we'll see at
1:27:03
least one of us is putting in a hell of a lot more like work
1:27:07
than the other two. Because I think, I think we were
1:27:12
all just kind of content on like, yeah, cool.
1:27:14
We got up on Spotify, we were uploading some stuff.
1:27:17
That's awesome. And then it spiralled again to,
1:27:21
hey, what about all of these other places?
1:27:23
And I was like, why just? Hey, what about?
1:27:29
What about those losers with iPhones?
1:27:32
Fuck. All right, hang on, let me
1:27:34
figure it out. Hey, guys.
1:27:37
What about YouTube? Yeah, man, go for it.
1:27:40
All right, Good. I already figured it out.
1:27:44
Yeah. 'Cause I mean at the end of the
1:27:48
day I don't want anybody to not at least have the opportunity to
1:27:54
strong strip stumble across our bullshit, 'cause sometimes we
1:28:05
say some really funny shit and other times we say some really
1:28:09
dark, real, honest shit. And I think both of those are
1:28:14
important for a well balanced breakfast.
1:28:20
I will say feel like that that point was brought up to me
1:28:25
today. Someone I know here who recently
1:28:30
started listening to our stuff, which a family friend, and they
1:28:38
were like, oh, yeah, no, like you guys got on YouTube.
1:28:41
It was the only way I was able to listen to it.
1:28:44
And I was like, oh, but I'm sorry you of all people
1:28:49
shouldn't be listening to this. However, being supportive, we
1:28:54
appreciate it. But she did point out of like,
1:28:57
that first episode was kind of real.
1:29:01
Like it was a little bit spicy, might not should have been our
1:29:07
first episode hitting, you know, like in depth topics like that.
1:29:12
You're like, yeah, fuck it, whatever.
1:29:13
Cool, Appreciate the feedback. But they got me thinking.
1:29:17
I was like, huh, we've kind of just been bullshitting fast a
1:29:20
little bit. Like we haven't really circled
1:29:23
back to anything that I was a little bit deeper like that that
1:29:28
we could talk about, bring our own personal experiences into.
1:29:32
So yeah. I think that one's.
1:29:36
I think that one's coming up. Yeah, we're going to say maybe
1:29:40
keep an eye out for that. Maybe we'll, maybe we'll get
1:29:43
real for an episode and then, you know, we're back
1:29:46
bullshitting. I guess really, right.
1:29:51
The question is how much do you guys want to listen to?
1:29:53
It's just bullshit versus how much do you want to hear?
1:29:58
Like the spicy shit. I'm not talking about news,
1:30:04
current events, spicy shit. I'm talking about like personal
1:30:07
spicy shit. Yeah, no, there the is a very,
1:30:14
very real question because like, even though we were both in, we
1:30:19
both had fast like we have some similar experiences, but we also
1:30:23
have some vastly different experiences.
1:30:25
And we both came out of it a little, a little fucked up, you
1:30:29
know, and some fun ways and some not so fun ways.
1:30:34
Jimmy, he definitely brings a unique experience to it that
1:30:38
neither one of us could give being on the, you know, the
1:30:42
other side of everything. So I mean, yeah, we can we can
1:30:48
definitely pose that question. Maybe we can figure out how to
1:30:51
set up like a poll on Facebook or something and ask just what
1:30:57
what people want to listen to. Because I mean, we do value your
1:31:00
feedback and we try to get around to everybody, so.
1:31:09
Yeah, and you know, whoever Sean Garrison 8042 is on YouTube,
1:31:18
love your fucking comment. Perfectly stated.
1:31:23
Reach out to us either on the Facebook page or hit the e-mail
1:31:27
up because yeah, we I want to have a follow on conversation
1:31:33
about that and maybe, maybe send you out a flag for being our
1:31:36
first commenter on YouTube. So we appreciate you.
1:31:40
I hope you stick around. Oh yeah, absolutely.
1:31:44
Because that was kind of a, that was kind of an oh shit moment
1:31:48
that we both had when we realized we had a comment on
1:31:53
YouTube after a couple of like a couple of days after setting it
1:31:58
up and we're like, oh shit, it's real now.
1:32:02
That's awesome. So.
1:32:07
Yeah, you guys might have been like that.
1:32:11
I'm over here, Ralph Wiggum and the fucking school bus going.
1:32:14
I'm in danger. It's like, yeah, no, absolutely.
1:32:20
Because I mean, for Facebook, for all of it's worth of like it
1:32:27
being somewhat open source of anybody can get on it and
1:32:32
stumble across or shit, YouTube is really the first one of like
1:32:38
true open source. Anyone can pull it up and access
1:32:43
it and just find our content. We're like, oh, full, That's a
1:32:48
little spicy, I know. It's a mix between fucking Ralph
1:32:59
Wiggum and Planet of the Apes. Oh no.
1:33:08
Absolutely. Brother, we just riffed for an
1:33:11
hour and a half. We definitely did went into this
1:33:15
with kind of no idea what we're going to talk about and feel
1:33:21
like it turned out pretty decent.
1:33:25
Zero ideas. 0 plan. We talked about hog cranking and
1:33:28
pantshitting just like we just like I said we would in the
1:33:32
beginning of the episode. Yes.
1:33:35
And if you guys want a deeper dive into any of those topics,
1:33:38
I'm sure there's websites out there that are built
1:33:41
specifically for that. Please just make sure to have a,
1:33:46
you know like your safe search and or like Incognito browsers
1:33:51
open probably for. VPN.
1:33:55
We're not. We're just, you know, be a freak
1:33:58
and have it in your search history.
1:33:59
Let that flag fly. I mean, we definitely aren't any
1:34:04
to judge. Cast it to your neighbor's TV.
1:34:10
Don't do. That.
1:34:11
Please, please don't do that. No, no, no, take.
1:34:13
Take a screenshot of it and send it to your neighbor's printer in
1:34:17
the middle of the night. 1000 copies of it.
1:34:28
Oh shit. Don't do that.
1:34:30
But please don't do that. And if you do, you didn't get
1:34:36
the idea from us. But please don't do that.
1:34:41
But if you do send us proof, it would be funny.
1:34:52
But also, please don't fucking do that.
1:34:54
Please do not fucking do that. On that note, if you have any
1:35:00
funny pants shitting stories, we want to hear them.
1:35:04
So either message us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail.
1:35:09
Feeling real spicy? Drop it in a comment on YouTube.
1:35:14
I think that would make everybody's day a little better.
1:35:19
I'm really not interested in your hog cranking stories unless
1:35:22
it's a really fucking good one or unless you yourself have gone
1:35:27
through 10,000 Dicks. That's about all all I want to
1:35:32
hear about because I want to know if our our quick math and
1:35:35
ChatGPT math was roughly accurate.
1:35:38
I feel like we had to do a deeper dive on the hog cranking
1:35:42
stories because I'm, I'm trying to think of what would be an
1:35:46
interesting hog cranking story and I'm kind of curious now
1:35:53
like. I feel like the leading question
1:35:54
would be what's the what is the most inappropriate place that
1:35:59
you've cranked your hog? That's fair.
1:36:10
Yeah. No, I'm honestly I'm trying to
1:36:12
think because like. Mine mine would be in the middle
1:36:17
of the desert and 29 palms in a field X.
1:36:22
OK, I feel like that's not the most interesting.
1:36:24
That's kind of a. Yeah, except I was standing
1:36:27
outside of my Humvee. OK, that one's, that one's up
1:36:35
there. Give you that.
1:36:37
And the top half of me was under cami netting the bottom half of
1:36:43
me, I realized after the fact was not.
1:36:47
So anybody with NVGS, the 29 Palms that night, you're welcome
1:36:51
for the show. And also it wasn't fucking me so
1:36:54
fuck off. You can't prove shit, it's all
1:36:58
hearsay. No, I think you're safe.
1:37:03
They would have had that one hell of a magnifier on that to
1:37:07
say anything. Yeah, I don't think there were
1:37:10
any snipers out there that night.
1:37:18
All right, buddy, you got anything else for these these
1:37:20
nice, fine, wonderful degenerates that we hang out
1:37:24
with every week? We just doing save grounds.
1:37:31
Yes, there are save grounds and alibis.
1:37:32
What you got? There we go.
1:37:34
Just don't be an asshole. I had a hair.
1:37:42
There you go. All right.
1:37:43
And it really itched. Yes, don't be an asshole.
1:37:52
And as always, reach out to the goons, The boys, the dudes, the
1:37:58
nerds, whoever it was that you went through the suck with.
1:38:03
Just keep in touch. Check on them.
1:38:05
Check on your fucking friends. Because it's no fun to bury him.
1:38:11
Just had to add that last little bit.
1:38:15
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, it's, it's
1:38:20
accurate. I mean, it is.
1:38:25
You can call me a lot of things, but a liar is one that only
1:38:28
applies 17% of the time. Valid, yeah.
1:38:38
So on that super fun note, check us out on Facebook.
1:38:43
Throw us a follow. Check us out on Spotify.
1:38:47
Subscribe, subscribe, subscribe. Hang on.
1:38:50
Follow might be follow. Yep, OK.
1:38:53
Follow us on Spotify, leave us a review, check us out on YouTube,
1:39:00
throw us a subscribe and you know, throw some comments.
1:39:03
There's some reviews in there. And you know what?
1:39:06
Tell your friends about us because we're we're not paying
1:39:11
for advertising. We're not.
1:39:14
None of us have money. We're all fucking broke.
1:39:16
Yeah, no. Maybe someday, but today is not
1:39:26
that day. So for Gavin, for Jimmy, who
1:39:31
didn't fucking show up, and I'm Mike.
1:39:36
Thanks for showing up.