Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #317 Welcome to Holland

Transcript

#317 Welcome to Holland · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, we're going to have a better time in Holland
0:12
Speaker 2: if we remove judgment and just accept that it just is.
0:16
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
0:19
Speaker 1: and dad. No.
0:20
Speaker 2: Welcome to Monday. I love the start of a new week,
0:23
Speaker 2: fresh start. Everyone's happy, everyone's excited. Everyone's got their uniforms
0:27
Speaker 2: ready if they're going to school. How do you know,
0:30
Speaker 2: well that half the nation you checked, half the nation.
0:33
Speaker 2: Half the nation's in lockdown? And who knows where our
0:35
Speaker 2: kids are up to? Gooday? This is Justin Coulson, the
0:39
Speaker 2: founder of Happy Families dot com dot a you, and
0:42
Speaker 2: author of six books about how to make families happy.
0:46
Speaker 2: And I'm here with Kylie mum to our six daughters.
0:50
Speaker 3: Who does know that all the children have their uniforms today?
0:52
Speaker 2: Because your morning begins the night before. It's the secret
0:56
Speaker 2: to family's success in the mornings. We've discovered this and
0:59
Speaker 2: shoes organized jumpers.
1:01
Speaker 3: It's really not a well kept secret. My honey.
1:04
Speaker 2: The jumpers don't match the uniform as well as they
1:07
Speaker 2: used to because how many how many jumpers have we
1:09
Speaker 2: lost this year with.
1:11
Speaker 3: Oh, it's only one child and she's lost three three.
1:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, notice that she hasn't lost any of her non
1:17
Speaker 2: snap daggers.
1:19
Speaker 3: Well, that's easy. Pick the pink jumper out.
1:21
Speaker 2: At the blue uniform. That's right. Hey, Just recently I
1:26
Speaker 2: came across a poem. I've stumbled across it a number
1:28
Speaker 2: of times, but came across it again not too long ago,
1:31
Speaker 2: and I just love it.
1:32
Speaker 4: Well.
1:33
Speaker 3: The other night you actually came and shared it with
1:34
Speaker 3: me after sharing it in your webinar, and I really
1:37
Speaker 3: loved it the feelings that had evoked firstly, but secondly
1:41
Speaker 3: it married up beautifully with some thoughts that I was having.
1:43
Speaker 3: So why don't you share it with everyone and we
1:44
Speaker 3: can talk about it.
1:45
Speaker 2: Sure. It's a palem called Welcome to Holland by Emily
1:47
Speaker 2: Pearl Kingsley. It's from nineteen eighty seven. It's kind of
1:50
Speaker 2: oldish and it says this. I'm often asked to describe
1:53
Speaker 2: the experience of raising a child with a disability, to
1:56
Speaker 2: try to help people who have not shared that unique
1:58
Speaker 2: experience to understand it and how it would feel. It's
2:02
Speaker 2: like this, when you're going to have a baby, It's
2:04
Speaker 2: like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy
2:08
Speaker 2: a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Colosseum,
2:11
Speaker 2: the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn
2:15
Speaker 2: some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After
2:18
Speaker 2: months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives, you pack
2:21
Speaker 2: your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the
2:23
Speaker 2: plane lands, the stewardess comes in and says, welcome to Holland. Holland.
2:29
Speaker 2: You say, what do you mean Holland. I signed up
2:31
Speaker 2: for Italy. I'm supposed to be in Italy all my life.
2:33
Speaker 2: I've dreamed of going to Italy. But there's been a
2:36
Speaker 2: change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and
2:39
Speaker 2: there you must stay. The important thing is that they
2:42
Speaker 2: haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full
2:45
Speaker 2: of pestilence, faminine disease. It's just a different place. So
2:49
Speaker 2: you must go out and buy new guidebooks, and you
2:52
Speaker 2: must learn a whole new language, and you will meet
2:54
Speaker 2: a whole new group of people you would never have met.
2:57
Speaker 2: It's just a different place. It's slower pace than Italy,
3:02
Speaker 2: less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for
3:04
Speaker 2: a while and you catch your breath, you look around
3:06
Speaker 2: and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, and
3:09
Speaker 2: Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you
3:14
Speaker 2: know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're
3:16
Speaker 2: all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.
3:18
Speaker 2: And for the rest of your life you will say, yes,
3:22
Speaker 2: that's where I was supposed to go, That's what I
3:25
Speaker 2: had planned, And the pain of that will never ever
3:28
Speaker 2: ever go away, because the loss of that dream is
3:32
Speaker 2: a very very significant loss. But if you spend your
3:36
Speaker 2: life mourning the fact that you didn't get to go
3:38
Speaker 2: to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the
3:41
Speaker 2: very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
3:47
Speaker 3: I love the imagery. I'm all about imagery. I love
3:50
Speaker 3: what it evokes and the scenes that I see. And
3:54
Speaker 3: yet I know that this poem was written specifically for parents.
3:58
Speaker 2: Who are raising children with addition needs, but.
4:01
Speaker 3: I think that this can apply to just about any
4:04
Speaker 3: area of our lives where we find ourselves in a
4:07
Speaker 3: place that's not what.
4:08
Speaker 2: We expected, which is most of life right, that's right.
4:11
Speaker 3: Whether it is you know, you get married and you
4:13
Speaker 3: think that life's going to be this amazing honeymoon phase
4:16
Speaker 3: forever and you find out very quickly it's not.
4:18
Speaker 2: Or what are you saying we did, Let's not go there, okay, or.
4:29
Speaker 3: As your children get older, they start making decisions that
4:32
Speaker 3: you know don't work with your plan. I don't know
4:35
Speaker 3: if it's just a girl thing.
4:36
Speaker 2: They choose their own path, and you're thinking, hang on,
4:38
Speaker 2: but this is what I wanted for you, and I
4:39
Speaker 2: know what's best for you. And I've been watching you
4:41
Speaker 2: and I understand you. And now you're choosing a different path.
4:44
Speaker 3: What are you doing? Yeah? And I don't know if
4:47
Speaker 3: it's just a girl thing or whether guys do this
4:49
Speaker 3: as well. But I remember as a you know, a
4:52
Speaker 3: ten year old and a twelve year old, I kind
4:54
Speaker 3: of mapped out my whole life. I knew what my
4:56
Speaker 3: house was going to look like, and how many bedrooms
4:58
Speaker 3: I was going to have, and what kind of car
5:00
Speaker 3: I was going to drive, and what my husband was
5:02
Speaker 3: going to look like. You didn't look like him.
5:04
Speaker 4: Wow.
5:04
Speaker 3: I think that girls and nately we plan and.
5:08
Speaker 2: I was always pretty planful as well build the future. Yeah, yeah,
5:12
Speaker 2: I think so. But this Welcome to Holland not just
5:15
Speaker 2: about having a child with additional needs, but as a
5:17
Speaker 2: metaphor for life. I think, I think there's so much
5:19
Speaker 2: that we can draw into our parenting when it comes
5:21
Speaker 2: to a consideration of this metaphor. Now, I think that
5:24
Speaker 2: there's also some downsides to the poem. I love it,
5:27
Speaker 2: I think it's beautiful, but there's also some downsides. I
5:29
Speaker 2: would imagine that some people who end up in Holland
5:31
Speaker 2: are actually really unhappy about it, and probably I mean,
5:35
Speaker 2: I'm just thinking, if you've got a child who's violent
5:37
Speaker 2: or psychopathic, if you've got a child who you and
5:40
Speaker 2: I both know somebody who has children around about our age,
5:44
Speaker 2: so children are in their thirties, forties, these people are
5:48
Speaker 2: now well into their sixties, and you actually were raised
5:51
Speaker 2: with one of these kids who has ended up in
5:53
Speaker 2: jail because he took the life of somebody as a parent.
5:56
Speaker 2: That's landing somewhere that is not Italy. It might not
6:00
Speaker 2: even be Holland, though maybe it's somewhere far worse than that.
6:03
Speaker 2: How do you move on with your life when these
6:06
Speaker 2: kinds of scenarios are put before you when things don't
6:09
Speaker 2: work out the way you want them to, whether it's
6:11
Speaker 2: the kids just not going to bed on time and
6:13
Speaker 2: you've asked them fifteen thousand times to clean up their room,
6:16
Speaker 2: brush their teeth, brush their hair and get into bed,
6:18
Speaker 2: or whether it's something of more significance, or.
6:22
Speaker 3: Finding out that you're not on the same page with
6:24
Speaker 3: your husband in relation to parenting, or.
6:26
Speaker 2: Are you talking about me again?
6:28
Speaker 3: That's so funny. So everything is not about you?
6:31
Speaker 2: No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't make it about me. Wow,
6:34
Speaker 2: let's talk about I reckon that? Well, there's loads of them,
6:38
Speaker 2: but there are three central things that I would like
6:40
Speaker 2: to talk about in terms of Welcome to Holland and
6:42
Speaker 2: how we can apply these ideas into our lives to
6:45
Speaker 2: deal with landing in Holland, for example, rather than Italy.
6:48
Speaker 2: We'll do that right after the brain It's the Happy
6:50
Speaker 2: Families podcast.
6:52
Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
6:55
Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
6:57
Speaker 4: of discipline. There's a webinar to help parents set limits
7:00
Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
7:04
Speaker 4: dot com dot au slash shop it's.
7:07
Speaker 3: The Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time poor
7:10
Speaker 3: parent who just wants answers now, and today we are
7:13
Speaker 3: delving into a little bit of a deep conversation about
7:17
Speaker 3: this idea of getting to a place where we realize
7:19
Speaker 3: this is not what we signed up.
7:21
Speaker 2: For, which is kind of every day as a parent
7:23
Speaker 2: in some ways.
7:24
Speaker 3: Yeah.
7:24
Speaker 2: So there are three things that we've discussed that I
7:27
Speaker 2: think are really relevant to what Welcome to Holland teaches
7:31
Speaker 2: us about parenting. And the first of those is we're
7:34
Speaker 2: going to have a better time in Holland if we
7:36
Speaker 2: remove judgment and just accept that it just.
7:40
Speaker 3: Is last week. You know, I'll do better tomorrow. I
7:43
Speaker 3: shared the experience of Emily having a meltdown in front
7:45
Speaker 3: of our friends.
7:46
Speaker 2: Yes, great example, Yes, and.
7:48
Speaker 3: Just getting to a place where I just accepted she
7:52
Speaker 3: was having a melkdown.
7:53
Speaker 2: This is what seven year old.
7:54
Speaker 3: It wasn't anything that I had done wrong.
7:56
Speaker 2: Thought we would have grown out of this by now,
7:57
Speaker 2: but we're not there yet, that's.
7:59
Speaker 3: Right, And it was just an acceptance of this is
8:02
Speaker 3: what's happening right now, and it's okay.
8:05
Speaker 2: Well, that kind of ties in with the second point
8:06
Speaker 2: that I was going to make and that is not
8:08
Speaker 2: only do we remove judgment, but we move to acceptance.
8:11
Speaker 2: In fact, just on that judgment idea, I was having
8:13
Speaker 2: a conversation with my mom about a year ago and
8:16
Speaker 2: she said something about hate and love being opposites, but
8:20
Speaker 2: she wasn't so sure, and she asked me what I thought,
8:22
Speaker 2: and I said, I don't. I can see where that sits.
8:26
Speaker 2: But for me, if I'm in a situation where I'm
8:29
Speaker 2: not feeling loved, it's not because somebody is staring at
8:32
Speaker 2: me and they want to tear me apart. It's usually
8:34
Speaker 2: because they're not hearing me, they're not getting where I'm
8:36
Speaker 2: coming from. I'm feeling judged, and I kind of feel
8:39
Speaker 2: like the opposite of love could also be judgment. And
8:44
Speaker 2: when our kids feel judged because they're not good enough,
8:46
Speaker 2: because they're not measuring up, or when our partners feel
8:49
Speaker 2: judged because they're not contributing enough, they haven't done enough,
8:53
Speaker 2: they're not where we thought they would be because the
8:55
Speaker 2: house is untidy, or they're not earning enough, or we're
8:57
Speaker 2: still living in this place where we were sure we
8:59
Speaker 2: would be here a long time ago. When the judgment
9:03
Speaker 2: is there, there can't be any love at the same time,
9:05
Speaker 2: because judgment means I don't like what you're doing. I
9:08
Speaker 2: don't think that it's satisfactory, you're not measuring up.
9:10
Speaker 3: I don't accept where you're at or what you're offering.
9:13
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. So removing judgment means we can
9:17
Speaker 2: move forward with love, and we can also move forward
9:20
Speaker 2: with acceptance. The second thing, I found a quote that
9:25
Speaker 2: I haven't shared with you yet that I think really
9:27
Speaker 2: highlights the power of acceptance in this Welcome to Holland poem.
9:32
Speaker 2: It's from someone called Herman Hesse or Herman Hesse perhaps,
9:38
Speaker 2: who said, some of us think that holding on makes
9:42
Speaker 2: us strong, but sometimes it's letting go.
9:45
Speaker 3: Yep.
9:46
Speaker 2: Doesn't that just do something for you? When you consider
9:49
Speaker 2: I thought I was going to Italy and now I'm
9:51
Speaker 2: in Holland and holding on Titan saying no, I insist
9:54
Speaker 2: on Italy. I'm going to pretend I'm in Italy. I'm
9:56
Speaker 2: going to live like I'm in Italy. I'm going to
9:58
Speaker 2: walk around Holland and speak Italian. That doesn't prove strength,
10:01
Speaker 2: That proves stubbornness and judgment and all of these other things.
10:05
Speaker 2: Whereas if we can just have the.
10:06
Speaker 3: Strength clouds our vision and our ability to appreciate what's
10:11
Speaker 3: right in front of us, because Holland is a beautiful
10:15
Speaker 3: place and it has so much to offer, but we're
10:18
Speaker 3: so caught up in wanting to have all that Italy
10:22
Speaker 3: has to offer that we just completely miss it all.
10:25
Speaker 2: So the first idea is remove judgment. Second idea except
10:30
Speaker 2: third idea.
10:31
Speaker 3: I think the poem says it so well. It's learning
10:33
Speaker 3: to find joy in Holland, even though Holland's not where
10:37
Speaker 3: you want it to be.
10:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I love the imagery of these small things
10:41
Speaker 2: like tulips and windmills. They're not the Colosseum, but they're
10:46
Speaker 2: still beautiful and we can find joy in them.
10:48
Speaker 3: Well, I think her wording was so profound because she
10:51
Speaker 3: said you're free to enjoy Holland.
10:54
Speaker 2: Right ah, Yeah, because of the lack of judgment, because
10:58
Speaker 2: of the acceptance and to find joy.
11:01
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's so powerful.
11:03
Speaker 2: Mazuta Masahide, I'm not sure if I've said that the
11:06
Speaker 2: right way. Said this and listen to this destruction and
11:10
Speaker 2: hope in just ten words, I love it my barn
11:12
Speaker 2: having burned down. I can see the moon, isn't it sublime?
11:17
Speaker 2: And I think it's a really nice way of kind
11:19
Speaker 2: of looking at this idea of welcome to Holland. I
11:21
Speaker 2: had this barn. It's gone, but I can see the
11:25
Speaker 2: moon now.
11:27
Speaker 3: It's a really profound thought, especially.
11:29
Speaker 2: For a Monday morning.
11:31
Speaker 3: Well, it's a great way to start the week.
11:33
Speaker 2: I think if your week hasn't started the way that
11:35
Speaker 2: you hoped that it would, if you've started your week
11:37
Speaker 2: in Holland and you would have preferred to be in Italy,
11:40
Speaker 2: our suggestion for you today is to just accept it.
11:44
Speaker 2: It is what it is, remove any judgment from it,
11:46
Speaker 2: and find joy in the small moments.
11:48
Speaker 3: I think one of the most important things we need
11:50
Speaker 3: to remember in removing judgment is that often that judgment
11:53
Speaker 3: is on ourselves. If I had have done this, if
11:56
Speaker 3: only I had of done X, Y and Z, then
11:59
Speaker 3: we wouldn't be here, or any number of things. But
12:03
Speaker 3: removing the judgment from ourselves as well as from the
12:05
Speaker 3: situation and those around us is so important.
12:08
Speaker 2: We normally start the week fairly light. This has been
12:11
Speaker 2: a little bit deeper than normal, but I'm really glad
12:13
Speaker 2: we've got to have this conversation. We hope that you
12:15
Speaker 2: enjoy your day in Holland, Italy or Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Lockdown,
12:21
Speaker 2: wherever you might be, even if it's not quite where
12:23
Speaker 2: you're planned on being today. The Happy Families podcast is
12:27
Speaker 2: produced by Justin Ruhlon from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
12:30
Speaker 2: our executive producer. If you enjoy the podcast, please leave
12:34
Speaker 2: us a five star rating and review at Apple Podcasts.
12:36
Speaker 2: It helps other people to find out about the podcast
12:38
Speaker 2: to make their family happier. And if you think that
12:40
Speaker 2: what we share here is good, you should check out
12:42
Speaker 2: our Happy Families memberships. We put our heart and soul
12:46
Speaker 2: into giving you the very best content that we possibly
12:48
Speaker 2: can in that membership to make your family happier. This
12:51
Speaker 2: is the gold standard stuff, the very best that we
12:54
Speaker 2: can offer you. It's all in the Happy Families Memberships
12:56
Speaker 2: details at Happy Families dot com, dot a U. It
13:00
Speaker 2: became local