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10 Myths About Relational Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we're going to talk about something really important.
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I think we're going to talk about 10 myths that surround
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trauma, specifically relational trauma, because that's really
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the focus of this podcast, relational or attachment trauma.
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But we're going to try to debunk 10 different myths that I see
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couples as well as individuals that I work with.
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They tend to hold those these myths in place often times.
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And I think what happens is it really limits their ability to
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grow and to create some of that post traumatic growth that we
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really want and need when we come either to therapy or just
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in our life in general. So we're going to dispel 10 miss
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by the end of this episode. I think 1 is you're going to be
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able to find at least one or two, or maybe you have a little
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bit of an aha moment where you go, Oh yeah, I did think that
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about it. But I guess that maybe I need to
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shift my thinking a little bit. So hopefully by the end of this
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podcast, you're going to be able to have a little bit more self
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compassion as it relates to your ideas of trauma in you or in
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your relationship. The second thing I hope that it
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does is that it shows you that growth is really possible when
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we let go of some of these beliefs, these unhelpful beliefs
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around our trauma as well. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm Tom Philp, your host.
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I've been working with couples for decades who struggle with
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relational trauma to help them regain trust in themselves and
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others so that they can experience a safe and secure
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relationship. Let's get started.
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OK, as I said at the opening, what we're going to do today is
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we're going to look at 10 myths that surround relational trauma.
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Now, the very first one I want us to talk about is relational
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trauma only happens in childhood.
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That's just simply not true. Childhood is not the only.
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It can happen in childhood, of course, but it's not the only
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place where where we might experience trauma.
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So for an example, many couples that I've worked with, they come
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in and one of them might have stepped outside of the
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relationship and had either an emotional or a physical affair.
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And in those moments, it is possible that that created
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trauma in the other partner. Their reaction to that, the way
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they're grappling and trying to understand that the reasons
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behind their partner doing that can be very traumatizing.
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It can look a little bit like PTSD, or it can look a little
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bit like just just a deep wound and trauma.
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And So what happens is they begin to really doubt the the
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expectations that their world was built around.
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So they had this idea that my world looked a certain way.
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And when my partner did this to me, now I have to re evaluate
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all of that. And so that can be very
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traumatizing when they feel like the world has completely
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exploded. All of the assumptions they held
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about the relationship themselves and the life that
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they were building with their partner begin to dissipate.
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So one of the things that we want to dispel is that somehow
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trauma only happens in childhood.
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Now, I think another thing that's really important is that
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I tend to see a lot where people do have childhood trauma and
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then what happens is they also have an event that traumatizes
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them in adulthood as well. And this is important because
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what this does is it actually I can see some similarities
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between the two. So for example, you might have
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some abandonment trauma in your childhood where your parents
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were very neglectful and really abandoned you, especially at
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critical moments. And so the way you've learned to
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adapt to that is you've learned to not depend on others.
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And so now you you take that adaptations and you you put it
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into an adult context with a partner.
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And all of a sudden what happens is you never rely on your
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partner. Your partner feels rejected much
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of the time. And So what happens is they end
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up abandoning you at some point and reopening that trauma wound.
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So I certainly see a lot of situations very much like that
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where there might be some child childhood trauma.
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It doesn't have to be exclusive to childhood, but it can also
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link in terms of adult trauma that might get triggered or re
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traumatized as well in our adult relationships.
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So that's number one, I think is that trauma only happens in our
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childhood. We're going to debunk that myth.
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It's just simply not true. The second one I want to talk
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about is that if you don't remember it clearly will It must
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not have happened or it must not have affected you.
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And that's really important because one of the things that
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we know about trauma is that often times the way it is pieced
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together is in our memory is not necessarily as a coherent story.
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And so our memories, just because we don't have a clear
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picture of the trauma, it might just come back in pieces.
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We think, oh, well, maybe it didn't impact me that deeply, or
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maybe it was wasn't as bad as I think it was.
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And that's just simply not the truth.
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You can be impacted deeply by trauma but not be able to have a
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clear picture or be able to tell a clear story.
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So for example, one of the researchers in the early
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attachment theory when it was being formulated is that we
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understood that often times people that were anxiously
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attached or more avoidantly attached tended to have an
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incomplete story around their childhood.
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And this is directly related to their particular insecure
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attachment styles. And so again, when we have
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trauma, it doesn't necessarily mean that we can tell a clear
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and coherent story about what happened to us.
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And as a result, sometimes we'll, we'll create this belief
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that, oh, well, maybe it really wasn't that bad.
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Maybe maybe it really didn't affect me that that much.
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And that's just simply not true. It can have a deep impact on
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you, especially because you can't tell a clear story or
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picture around what happened. So we want to dispel that truth
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for sure, or that myths for sure, That somehow trauma, if
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it's not recalled with clarity, means it didn't impact you as
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much, much. Nope.
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We're going to check that one off.
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That's not necessarily true. Another one is that relational
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trauma isn't real trauma. I'm going to repeat that one
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because that's really important. Relational trauma somehow isn't
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real trauma. The people in your life, if they
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rejected you, abandoned you, that's that's somehow not real
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trauma. It's not like trauma from a car
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accident or trauma from that was sustained in combat like so many
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of our brave men and women that go out to defend us, that
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somehow that's real trauma. And that's just simply not true
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as well. There's something called big T
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trauma and little T trauma. Big T trauma is trauma that
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usually is a one time trauma, meaning like a car accident or
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something that was sustained in a, a gunfight in, in during,
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during a war. That can certainly create
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trauma. And we can certainly understand
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and wrap our heads around, Oh yeah, that feels like trauma.
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But that doesn't mean that what you experienced is any less
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traumatic. The the hundreds of little times
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that your parents weren't there for you or when you were crying
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and needed them, they rejected you or shamed you or made you
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feel bad for what you felt in those moments.
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Or that moment when you turn to your spouse because you were so
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scared of, of consequences of something that was going to
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happen in your life and your spouse simply blew it off,
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downplayed it, negated that fear.
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That is no less traumatic than than Big T trauma is.
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So one of the myths that we really want to dispel is that
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somehow trauma only comes through something that's really
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dramatic. And that's just not the case.
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Trauma doesn't have to be dramatic.
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Trauma can be subtle. It can almost be imperceptible
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at times and it's not always just what happens to us, but
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it's how we make sense of what happened to us and the lack of
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not having anybody there to help us work through it and, and, and
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be able to tell a coherent story about what happened.
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To be able to process that in a way that we can sort of
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metabolize it and put it into the narrative of our life
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together. And so it's really important to
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understand that that relational trauma, small T trauma is very
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much as as traumatic as any big T trauma is too.
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It just looks different. It doesn't necessarily look the
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same, but it's no less impactful.
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OK, let's move on to #4 You just need to find the right partner
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and everything will heal. Wow, that's a big one.
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And that's a big one because I see that a lot when couples come
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in and I ask them about the early part of their relationship
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and they both kind of smile and they tell me a story about how
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they got together. And it's usually very sweet.
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And, and there's usually, you know, softness, openness,
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vulnerability with one another. And somehow things begin to
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turn. And so now often times what
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people believe that is, well, maybe they just weren't the
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right one for me. And that's really not, that's a
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myth. That's just not true.
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I, I, I'm somebody that doesn't believe that there is like one
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person for everybody. I, I believe there are people
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that, that have a chemistry that sometimes from the very moment
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you meet somebody, you might feel like this is the person for
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you. And so I, I understand all that,
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but I, I disagree with the ideas that somehow there's one person
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and only one person for you. And, and I think relationships
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take work and they take a lot of hard work at times.
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And so it's never a matter of just relying on, oh, well, this
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is just fate. We're meant to be together.
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And if it doesn't work out, then I guess I just had that wrong in
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the beginning. So understanding that that
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you're never going to find that one right partner that's going
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to be able to just heal and take away all your trauma, especially
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if you're listening to this and you're single and you are
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looking for somebody to help you heal and grow and to be able to
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truly see and connect with you. Nothing's wrong with wanting
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that. Nothing at all is wrong with one
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wanting that. However, don't put all your eggs
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in one basket and and believe the myth that somehow if I just
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find that right person, then they're going to be able to take
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away or heal all of my trauma because chances are they're not.
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Chances are you're going to be attracted to some of their
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qualities that are going to be really important and powerful
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for you, but there's also qualities that they're going to
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have that might trigger your trauma as well.
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And so this one person is not going to be the the healing
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agent in your life that just fixes everything for you.
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So I think that's certainly a myth we want to dispel is that
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not one person, no matter how wonderful they might be, is
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going to be able to heal all of our trauma.
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And let me just say too, because I think this is important there,
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there's an important role that person plays in your life, an
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important role in being able to help you be less triggered, be
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able to help you and give you a different experience of what
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created that trauma in the 1st place.
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I don't mean to say that they have no role in that.
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I just mean to say that you have a huge responsibility in that
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yourself, in being able to show up for yourself and being able
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to be your own best friend, your own trusted resource, your own
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soothing resource so that you don't put all of that on your
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partner as well. We are made for relationships.
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I very much believe that. That's why I've spent so much of
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my career working with relational trauma and working
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with individuals as well as couples to be able to try to
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help them heal in that journey. But we also have a
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responsibility to do our own work as well.
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So we don't want to put off all of our healing on to our
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partner. OK #5 we're making our way
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through the list here. Relational trauma makes you
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broken forever. No, not true.
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You are not broken forever if you have relational trauma.
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The truth of the matter is you can get help and even help you
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can do yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to
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always go to therapy, but there are resources out there, this
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podcast being one, and you can begin to do the work and begin
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to start that journey of healing yourself.
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And so if you have relational trauma, you are not broken
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forever there. There is healing available to
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you and for you in a lot of different ways.
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One of them might include therapy for sure, but others
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might include finding a relationship that doesn't
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constantly retraumatize you in addition to the work you're
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doing yourself and being able to being able to look at that from
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a dual standpoint. I've got a partner that's not
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triggering me in the same way, and I'm doing the work to show
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up for myself, to heal the inner child, to confront the aggressor
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that caused my trauma in the 1st place.
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And that healing work allows you to begin that healing journey
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for sure. OK, number six, we're making our
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way through this. Number six, time heals all
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wounds. Well, yes and no.
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With trauma, time can help, but it doesn't heal all wounds.
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You have to actually do the healing work in order to be
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healed from trauma. Trauma, as I've mentioned so
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many times, trauma actually shows up in her body.
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And one of the most famous books written on trauma is called The
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Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Vanderkolk.
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And it's a brilliant book, one of the the quote UN quote,
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Bibles of our field, if you will.
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And what he realized in the early stages of his research is
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that trauma stays locked in our body, and our body learns how to
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adapt to that trauma. And it creates sometimes a split
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inside of us. And part of us is split off, and
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part of us can be sort of disassociated.
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That holds that pain of the trauma, that holds the wound.
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And another part of us holds the protectiveness of showing up
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every day, all day long, and making sure that we're never
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going to be traumatized again. And so we have these sort of
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parts inside of us that sometimes can conflict with
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themselves. And one part is trying to keep
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us safe at all cost. The other part is trying to find
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ways to heal and look for a different outcome than what
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actually caused the trauma in the first place.
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And so that the work that needs to be done isn't just a matter
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of time. Now, with that said, I do
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believe that that time can help, especially around say for
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example, triggers. When I see somebody that gets
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triggered by their, you know, with their trauma, often times
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as we begin the work, what happens is the, the, the
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triggers become less often, they become less painful when they
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too get triggered. And when they are triggered,
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it's of less duration. So all those three elements can
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change with time, but it doesn't mean that we'll, I'll never be
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triggered again or my trauma is just simply gone.
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What usually happens is you're you've adapted to the trauma
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that you have, and that adaptation looks like a
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protectiveness that is now driving the bus sometimes.
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So the little ways that you begin to protect yourself
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against having those traumas triggered is beginning to become
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a larger part inside you. And so the time will not heal
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that. Work has to actually be able to
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heal that. OK #7 Relational trauma only
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effects romantic relationships. Not true.
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There's an old saying all trauma is relational trauma.
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What do you get into a car crash?
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Big T trauma that I referenced earlier, right?
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Something like that. Or whether you actually
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experience small T trauma. So you've had somebody in your
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life that that consistently is gaslighting you in your
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relationships, making you question your own worth, your
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own value, what is real and not real that is just as real as big
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T trauma. Both can absolutely affect your
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relationship. So all trauma is relational
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trauma because all trauma affects your relationship, but
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it doesn't mean that it only has to affect your relationship.
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Trauma can show up in our friendships, trauma can show up
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with our parents, trauma can show up at work, in our jobs.
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And so trauma can be really pervasive.
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And it doesn't just have to affect your romantic
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relationships, it can affect your your friendships as well.
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For example, I see people that have learned because they have
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past trauma that if they have a disagreement with a friend, then
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what they do is they just cut that friend off.
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They have no way of learning how to repair those friendships and
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how to repair that rupture that happened with that friend.
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So as a result, the only thing they know to do is just to cut
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off that friendship. And so they skip on down the
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road until they make another friend and then something
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happens with that friendship and then they cut that one off as
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well. So often times their trauma is
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showing up in in their defensive, protective way and
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it's actually hurting their friendships.
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It's not just about their romantic relationships.
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OK #8 if you struggle with trust, it means you're paranoid
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or too sensitive and simply not true.
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You can struggle with trust and not be paranoid.
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You can struggle with trust and not be too sensitive.
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Of course you can be sensitive and you can border on paranoia.
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Sometimes that can. Certainly be a part of it, but
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that doesn't have to be all of it by any stretch of the
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imagination. So being able to understand and
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tease apart, is this my trauma coming up for me right now?
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Or is this something that's actually happening in the
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relationship? Is this something that that I
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need to pay more attention to? Is this my partner?
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Is this some of their stuff coming up, some of their baggage
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that's being dumped on me right now?
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Or am I perceiving this a certain way?
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And certainly trust or the lack of trust in self and others is
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sort of a hallmark of trauma because what it does is, is is
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complex trauma, relational trauma.
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It often erodes the sense of trust in ourselves and others.
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And so it creates this negative self perception we have and hold
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of ourselves. And so being able to understand
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how much of that is my stuff coming up, how much of that is
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my partner stuff coming up and being able to tease those those
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lines apart can really help you begin to understand how much of
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that is, is my trauma versus something that's in the
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relationship versus something of my partner.
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I just had a, a individual that wrote me back on a, a YouTube
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post that I had on this very thing.
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Is this my trauma or is it the relationship?
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I just released a video of that not too long ago.
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And, and this individual, I don't know if it was a male or
21:54
female, but was basically saying, you know, I used to
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think it was my trauma. Then I used to think it was just
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the other person in the relationship.
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Now I begin to understand that it's a little bit of both.
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And I wrote her back and I said absolutely, that's such an
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important insight that you now have of yourself is how do I
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determine what's happening here? And being able to tease apart
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whether this is my partner in the relationship or whether this
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is something with me and being able to take ownership, if it's
22:23
something that's coming up from me, my own trauma.
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But being able to understand that piece and how they sort of
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mesh together is really important.
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But understanding that if you struggle with trust, it means
22:37
you're paranoid or too sensitive.
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We want to debunk that one because it doesn't mean you're
22:42
always paranoid and it doesn't mean you're always too
22:44
sensitive. It may mean that there's
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something going on outside of yourself that's bringing up
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those feelings for you as well. OK, number nine, people with
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attachment trauma can't even form secure relationships.
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Absolutely untrue. Absolutely untrue.
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We know that people can go from an insecure attachment style to
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a secure style of attachment. It's called earned secure
23:15
attachment. Look that up.
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There's a lot of great information on it out there.
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And what happens is that when you're in a relationship with
23:23
somebody that is a secure attachment style and you've been
23:27
in the relationship long enough with them that you begin then to
23:31
adopt your own secure styles of attachment.
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And this is one thing that's really important that I tell a
23:38
lot of my couples is that, look, you've been with this person
23:41
1015 years. Let's not, let's not as skew or
23:45
downplay the amount of growth you've already had in this
23:48
relationship. I know you're here.
23:50
I know you're trying to discuss ongoing issues that we need to
23:54
deal with, but if you've had childhood trauma or trauma from
23:58
say a first marriage, something like that, and you've been with
24:01
this person 5-10 years, you've already had so much growth in
24:06
yourself by just being with this individual.
24:10
And so it is very possible to go from an insecure attachment
24:14
style to a secure style of attachment by just being in a
24:19
relationshipwith with somebody that has more of a secure style
24:23
of attachment. OK, the last 1 #10 Healing means
24:28
cutting ties with everyone who hurt you.
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And absolutely not boy, we sure hope that's not the case.
24:36
Because what we don't want to do is we don't want to cut people
24:39
out of our lives. Part of the healing journey of
24:43
relational trauma is learning how to repair ruptures in
24:47
relationships. When we have disagreements with
24:50
our friends, when we certainly have disagreements with our
24:53
spouse, we have to learn how do we come back and get back to a
24:57
place where we can repair those relationships and get back to a
25:02
place where we feel connected and OK, we kind of hit the reset
25:06
button. OK, So we were able to talk that
25:09
through. We were able to work that out.
25:11
That's great. We're in a better place now and
25:13
when we can do that, that is such a tremendous way for us to
25:18
grow through our trauma and and heal our trauma because we now
25:24
and maybe for some, for the first time in their lives, they
25:27
now understand how they can actually repair relationships.
25:32
That might be a relationship they have with their mother or
25:34
their father. Does the original source of some
25:36
of their trauma or family dynamics or their siblings.
25:40
It might be going back and forgiving a previous spouse that
25:45
wronged you in some way and you are now able to Co parent with
25:49
them better and be in a better place because you've worked
25:52
through that. So that rupture repair process
25:55
is something that I talk a lot about on this podcast because it
26:00
is such a important stepping stone in how we learn to work
26:05
through and deal with our trauma.
26:08
So having relational trauma means we cut out people who hurt
26:13
us from the past. That doesn't mean that now.
26:17
I will say sometimes what it might mean is that we do set
26:21
firm boundaries with somebody that is not able to take
26:25
ownership or responsibility for their role in that traumatic
26:28
environment. So I've certainly had lots of of
26:32
patients that come and they talk about how they've cut off a
26:36
mother or a father or a sibling because they're still toxic for
26:40
them. And if that's the case, that can
26:42
be a very appropriate boundary to have for a season of life,
26:47
for a time for you to not try to repair that relationship.
26:52
And that is certainly OK as well.
26:56
So we don't want to cut people out just because we've had
27:00
trauma or they've been the source or a trigger of our
27:03
trauma. We want to learn how to be able
27:05
to repair those relationships, but we also need to be able to
27:11
understand that they have a responsibility in that role as
27:14
well. They have a role in how we
27:18
repair, and if they refuse to take responsibility, if they
27:21
refuse to be able to accept the things that they did that were
27:26
hurtful and harmful, then it's really difficult sometimes for
27:30
us to be able to repair that. Sometimes the best we can hope
27:34
for is that we just simply have to forgive and we have to set
27:39
that relationship on the shelf for a season or a time and be
27:42
able to move on to healthier relationships in our lives.
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OK, so that's the list of all 10.
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I hope that you were able to see a few of these myths that you
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might have held yourself and hopefully you're now being a
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little bit challenged in some way to be able to think
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differently and work through what does it look like for me
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not to be able to believe in the trauma and the way it looks in
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my life and my relationship or shows up the way it does and,
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and the myth that I might have held around that.
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All right, thank you so much for watching, so much for listening.
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I really appreciate it. My name is Tom Phil, and I'm
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here to remind you to stay grounded, clear, and connect.