Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Reclaim You After Losing Yourself In A Relationship

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Reclaim You After Losing Yourself In A Relationship · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: In last week's episode, I shared about losing yourself in a relationship and why it feels so familiar.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: This week we're getting into the more practical parts of this conversation: how to break what has become a familiar pattern, how to break free of losing yourself in relationship, how to reclaim you.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: But before we dive into this week's episode, this is just a little reminder that I'm running a free online masterclass and you can access it anywhere, join me live or sign up for the replay.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to sign up for the masterclass.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to share that with you and see you online.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get into today's episode.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So the good news is that just because you've got a relationship pattern doesn't mean it is set in stone.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be the end of the story.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are practical, actionable steps you can take to rediscover your sense of self, reclaim you, reclaim your identity in your current relationship or in future relationships as you build new relationships or head out into the world of dating after divorce.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to share with you eight steps, eight steps to reclaiming you after losing yourself in relationship.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the first step is of course reflect.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect to understand where did I learn this pattern?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this pattern feel so familiar to me?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Where did I learn it?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And to do that without blame, without self-blame or self-judgment.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Begin by recognizing where and how you have lost yourself, where and how you've lost touch with yourself.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Before you can move forward, it's important to look back, which is why we talk about reflect, reclaim, and liberate, right?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Look back not with the blame or the judgment, but with curiosity and compassion.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what you've stopped doing, things that you've maybe started doing, the questions you've stopped asking yourself, or the dreams and desires you may have put on hold, minimized.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: How has being in this relationship impacted, shifted, or changed your decisions and your choices?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And really importantly, go back to the question of when and why did I stop listening to myself?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: How can I listen to myself more deeply, more openly, more fully?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about finding fault or blaming yourself, it's actually about understanding the roots of your behavior so you can start to make conscious changes.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the second step is start, but start small.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is not going to happen overnight, and that's okay.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just begin by carving out small, quiet moments where you can tune into yourself, you can tune into your inner voice.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Carve out quiet moments to reconnect with what you want and what you need.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be super simple.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Super simple by asking yourself, what am I feeling right now?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Even more simple.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: What can I see?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Six things I can see, six things I can hear, six things I can touch.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling right now?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: What is this feeling trying to tell me?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because oftentimes there'll be a feeling, either physical feeling in the body or an emotion.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It has a message.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: What is this feeling trying to tell me?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Another question to ask yourself: what's the story I'm telling myself?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: What are the stories I'm telling myself and how true are they?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Spend time in spaces that allow you to feel grounded, that allow you to go quiet and be still, whatever your space is, whether that's in nature or simply sitting in silence on the couch.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do it regularly for short periods at first.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Start, but start small.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: These simple small acts or moments of mindfulness, moments of reflection can help you start to reconnect with what you truly want, what you need, what you're feeling, what you're thinking.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Step three is to relearn your own preferences and values.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Often when we're in relationship with other people, we take on their pref their preferences.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: We start to like what they like.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: We value what they value.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: We forget what we like, what we prefer, and what we value.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: When you've spent so much energy focused on someone else, focused on holding together or fixing a challenging relationship or unraveling yourself from one navigating separation, divorce, it's really easy to forget your own preferences, your values, even the simple things that bring you joy.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So again, start with some really simple questions.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want in this moment?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I also love if there were no rules, what would I do?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean you're necessarily going to do the thing, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that could be I would like to stab my ex in the eyes with a fork.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're not actually going to do that thing.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: But if there were no rules, what would I do?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: If there were no consequences, what would I do?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: It can give you some really deep insight into your feelings and what you're suppressing.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: What really matters to me?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: What do I value?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Will this thing matter in a year, two years, five years time?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this one's really important.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds very small, but it's really important.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: What is one thing I can do today just for me?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just for me, that will bring me joy, happiness, peace, whatever.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: What is one thing I can do today just for me?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So this is about rediscovering your likes, your desires, even if it is stabbing someone in the eye with a fork.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I hope it's not.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, your likes, your desires, your preferences, and tapping back into what's important to you, relearning what you like, what you love, and what's important to you.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Step number four is say no.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Practice saying no.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Start saying no.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming yourself, healing from self-abandonment, healing from finding yourself lost in relationship starts with setting boundaries.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So begin by identifying areas or parts of your life, relationships where you feel stretched too thin, taken for granted, or there's a little niggle that something's not quite right, that it's unfair, that it's imbalanced, unbalanced, imbalanced, or you might feel spaces where you feel niggling resentment, rising resentment, frustration, even anger.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you need in that moment or that space?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: What can you ask for?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: What change or shift can you create?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to be able to say no?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: What can I say no to that isn't serving me?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: What isn't serving me and I need to say no to, basically?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: What shift or change can I create to better honour my needs?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Remember saying no to things that drain you, to things that don't serve you or allow you to be a fully invested hell yes, saying no to those things creates space to say yes to yourself.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no might feel uncomfortable at first, but each no is a step toward reclaiming your time, your energy, your autonomy, your joy.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So practice saying no.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is something you're not comfortable with, start in spaces and relationships that are low risk and gradually build your way up.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, start by saying no to somebody who asks you something.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, start by saying no to someone that perhaps you don't know very well who asks you for something, and you can gradually build your way up.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Build your capacity to tap into what you really want to do, what you really want to say, yes or no, build it up slowly, it's like a muscle.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: The more you use it, the stronger you get, the easier it is to say, hmm, no, no, thanks, not for me.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number five is split you from your relationship.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is separate your identity from your relationship.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: You are not just, you are not only the person you are or the role you play in your relationship.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're not only a partner, a parent, a caregiver.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You are a whole complex, unique human, unique, multifaceted.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so remind yourself of that.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that you are a whole, complete person outside of your relationship, outside of your role as parent, partner, daughter, son, sibling, caregiver, whatever it is.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Separate your identity from your relationship.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship is one part of your life, it is not your entire identity.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on or commit to spending time with you, exploring parts of you that are independent of this relationship, developing parts of you that are independent of the relationship.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself time and spend time nurturing those parts of you that are independent of your relationship.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do you enjoy doing that maybe your partner doesn't love?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Are there hobbies or passions or goals that you've let go of, put aside, set aside?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Are there things that you want to explore that maybe your partner doesn't want to?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Are there friendships, other relationships that you want to spend time in and on that are independent of your relationship?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Choose to explore and expand into these.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not to necessarily separate or split yourself from your relationship if you're still in or from your partner if you're still in relationship, but there needs to be balance, there needs to be room for you as couple, you as person in relationship, as well as you, just you.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that you are worthy of and deserve time, attention, energy spent just on you, by you, and remind yourself daily that your worth isn't tied to how much you give to others, that you are inherently worthy, you were born worthy, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself to be worthy of time, energy, care, attention, love.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take it for yourself, give it to yourself and nurture you, all of you, even the parts that are not in relationship with others, perhaps especially those parts.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Number six is rewrite your narrative.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us carry, and I talked about this in last week's episode, really deeply ingrained beliefs about love and relationships.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Beliefs like I need to make sure everybody else, everybody else is okay to be worthy of love.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I need to sacrifice what I want, hope, and dream of to be chosen in relationship or to be loved.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Challenge those beliefs when they rise up.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Get down underneath the I'm losing myself in relationship or I'm abandoning myself in relationship.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are the beliefs that are underpinning that behavior, that ingrained learned pattern of behavior?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where did I learn this?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: What is the story?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Where did I learn it?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is this true?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: What is a healthier, more empowering belief that I can embrace and take forward and carry forward into my relationships, into my life?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Challenge the belief that it's your job, your duty to make sure everyone else is okay first, that you need to prioritize the others in your life to be worthy of love or acceptance and replace it with a truth, like I am deserving of love and care, and I start with myself.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when it rises up, because it likely will, reframe guilt or discomfort about doing this work, about putting yourself first, reframe it as a sign of growth.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome it.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sign that you're stretching, expanding, you're pushing yourself outside of this pattern and building healthier habits, even if it feels a little bit hard just at the moment.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Step number seven is have the hard conversations.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming yourself may not mean for you abandoning your relationship if you're currently in one.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: It does mean advocating for your needs within that relationship.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that might be with a partner, a sibling, with friends.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can lose yourself in all sorts of relationships or relationships.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So have the hard conversations to start moving yourself toward a relationship where you are fully heard, fully seen, fully held.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Open up honest conversations and have the hard conversations you need to have with your person, your partner about boundaries, about expectations, about what you need, or make sure you're having these conversations as you explore new relationships.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Share your desires for a relationship where your needs, values, and identity are honored and not minimized, not less than, and make a promise.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Make a promise or commitment to yourself that this is what you will create for yourself in all of your future relationships.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: These conversations might feel difficult, challenging, vulnerable, or a bit raw at first, but they really are key to building healthier and more balanced dynamics in your relationships and building creating a relationship where all of you is welcomed and seen, where you don't need to let go of or suppress or minimise or lose parts of yourself in relationship with others.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Point number eight is take radical personal responsibility.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the most transformative steps in reclaiming yourself.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding that your happiness, your well-being, your sense of safety and security in relationship in life is your priority, your responsibility, not your partners, not your relationships.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's your responsibility.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: So take radical personal responsibility for your well-being, your happiness, your emotional security.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Stop outsourcing your happiness to external factors, including your relationship.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what am I relying on my partner or my relationship to give me, to provide me that I can actually provide for myself?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: How can I take ownership, radical responsibility, full ownership of my own well-being, happiness, my joy, my fulfillment, my peace?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, the flip side of this is fierce independence born of a lack of trust in others showing up for you.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not encouraging you to go to that extreme, but to find balance.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: How can I take ownership of my part, my well-being, my happiness, my emotional safety, my peace?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Commit to practices that really uplift and nurture your well-being independently, independent of the relationship.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Commit to practices that build your resilience, allow you to tap into your inner world, your inner hopes, dreams, values, all of that stuff, whether that's hobbies, friendships, self-care rituals, getting out into nature, whatever it is for you, meditation, journaling, really commit to practices that nurture you as an entire person, all of you, all parts of your well-being, so that you are not reliant on that external support.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's an add-on, it's a nice to have, it's not a necessary.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: When you take responsibility for your own happiness, you break that cycle, you free yourself from the cycle of needing or seeking validation or fulfillment for others, which not only empowers you but also strengthens your relationships by allowing them to be rooted in choice and agency and desire rather than dependence.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming yourself isn't about, as I said, that creating that fierce independence for yourself that pushes and repels others.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about rejecting love or relationship or connection, it's about finding your own way to stay whole outside of them and within them.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you are rebuilding after divorce or working through challenges in your current relationship, this is my reminder to you that you are worthy of care, respect, and joy.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: But that starts with you, starting with the care, respect, and joy that you give to yourself.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you need or would like deeper support, reach out to me, to a therapist, and connect.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: This can be really hard, challenging work to do on your own, to do alone in isolation, reclaiming yourself after losing your identity in a relationship, maybe in multiple relationships, maybe across your entire life, is a powerful act of self-love.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is taking radical personal responsibility, it's not walking away from relationships, but it's walking toward yourself.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you would like deeper support, please reach out, book an intro call, and we can discuss how I can help you find a therapist, find a help group, keep listening to podcasts, mine and others, to help you build this work into or build these practices into your everyday life.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something from this episode.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't listened to the first part, go back and listen to last week's episode.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for being here.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Until then