Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / November 10, 2020 | Expresso - Alli Winter

Transcript

November 10, 2020 | Expresso - Alli Winter · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So hey everybody, I am Chef Allie.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I never go by, I guess I'll just hold this.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I never go by Allie Winter, rarely, just because everybody calls me Chef Allie.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times they'll be like, well, do you have a last name?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I say, yeah, but I never use it.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's winter, like the season.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for having me tonight.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like Connie said, usually when I speak to groups, I love to speak to young moms because they are what I call being in the trenches.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I see from our group tonight that we have a lot of you who I'm sure have been married in the past.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Who's been married or who is married or who wants to be married?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Raise your hands.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so very good.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, um, Connie, I don't think that's gonna stay.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you might have to, at least if you want me to look at my notes, and I need to look at my notes.
• 1:03
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So sorry, that should be perfectly okay.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is better.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so can everybody hear me okay?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: You guys seem so far away.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this is the first time I've ever done a presentation without all without cooking at the same time.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I almost don't even know how to act.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I did bring, I did bring a prop.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot it.
• 1:25
  unknown: Let me get it.
• 1:26
  unknown: She's not dead, she's coming back.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, Sam, I'm here.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go get my prop.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so we're gonna talk about this in a minute.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is a rib.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I don't know if it's a spare rib or a pork rib or what it is, but it has has a purpose, and we'll get to that in just a little bit.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: But um my my topic tonight is what is your merry tale?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not your fairy tale, but your merry tale.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I always liken marriage to uh cooking because it's messy.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's easy to get stuck in a ruck, in a rut, in a rut, right?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then we get bored, and then it can be frustrating, just like when we make a new recipe and our family doesn't like it, they don't eat it and we waste our money.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I always liken, oh well, actually, I liken everything um to cooking, but um, I know that everybody here isn't married, um, and that's okay because you know what we all are here tonight?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: We are the bride of Christ, and that's super cool things, super special.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter who we are, as long as we know Jesus, and uh we can do things on his behalf, reach out to the people that need to know him.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you know, typically what I speak about is marriage, and we were gonna call this hot kitchen, but I'm gonna save all my hot stuff for another time.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, like Connie said, uh when I speak to iMoms, I really enjoy that.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: But um, this is gonna be just a little bit uh different um topic tonight.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So um, you know, no matter where you're at in your marriage, um, it's always different and it's always gonna be different because relationships ebb and flow, right?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So um sometimes when you're a newlywed, do we have any newlyweds in here?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not, but I liken them to being a s'more, right?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in their marriage relationship, because when we're newlyweds, what are we?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: We are stuck together, we are ooey-goooey, so in love, all of that great stuff.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, then we maybe progress to mac and cheese, right?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Which is creamy and comfy, but sometimes, let's be honest, that can get a little bit boring, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're oil and vinegar and you're trying desperately to come together in your marriage, but it just doesn't work out, right?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we just can't communicate, things like that.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're in an instant pot, you're under pressure, right?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're about to boil over.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a lot of different things that can happen, not just in our marriages, but in our different relationships.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I like to tell people, you know what?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage is a journey, it's not a destination.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you know what?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I have a couple friends, Jody and Jennifer, and they help me with a lot of technical things, digital things.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're 20 years older than or younger than I am, right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when I ask them a question, they totally infuriate me by saying, Well, Allie, I can't answer that question until you tell me what is the goal.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be like, I know you know the answer to this, so why don't you just tell me?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to tell you what my goal is, just answer the darn question.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: But in thinking about that and thinking about marriage, I think it's a good idea if we have a goal and we know where we're going in our marriage journey.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I are empty nesters from 3 to 11, right?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you that once you get past being in the trenches, how many people do we have in the trenches tonight?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And when I mean what I mean by that, how many of you have little kids hanging off of you uh or just a husband and a wife, and you're trying to raise those kids, I call that being in the trenches.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: That is really hard to be in that position, right?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But getting on the other side of that, and that's why I always like to encourage moms to hang in there, decide what it is that you want out of your marriage, and then hang in there and go for that.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because I can tell you all the time that I've been married, it has not been perfect.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it's been kind of crappy at times, you know, but we've moved forward, and uh, once I finally learned that I could not change my husband, things have gotten a lot better.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as we became empty nesters, a lot of things changed.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I would tell my family, you know what?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you come over here, just ring the doorbell, leave a pizza, and get out of here because we are having a grand time.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let anybody tell you that it's not fun, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Getting onto the other side of that.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um let me look at my notes here.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, so getting over onto the other side.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the route that we take, the approach, the goal, it matters.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you know what's interesting to me is God created marriage.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why would we not take him at his word um and do marriage the way he wants us to do it?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: It seems like maybe the world knows better.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Hallmark knows better.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, our culture, you know, nobody, no one, you know, they tell us no one should ever have authority over your life.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Hallmark says, make sure your relationship expectations demand perfection.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that what Hallmark tells us?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I see.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the world has no idea why we should be obedient to Christ.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, what about our secular friends?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: What do they tell us?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: They think submission to our husbands means what?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: That we are total subservient slaves, and that is absolutely not the truth in any way, shape, or form.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So um I can tell you that in my marriage relationship, one of the best things that ever happened to me was love and respect.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because one, I has anybody in here read this book?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Patty has.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you have.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure it's probably got an updated version, but this was the book that really helped change my marriage because I had no idea what respect looked like to a husband.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a love-centered world, don't we?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Has anybody ever gone on Valentine's Day to try to find a card that says, I respect you, honey?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, we all look for love, don't we?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: But this is what really helped me to understand my husband better.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I would recommend that you guys read it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because, you know, in marriage, we don't want fizzle, we want sizzle, right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, and I think deciding what kind of a marriage we want to have, whether we want that to be meaty, which is kind of what I wanted.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I want it to have some substance.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I want to be my husband's best friend at uh at every minute of the day, but I just didn't want to wake up after being married for 20 years and look over and say, now who are you again?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to be there.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I think what's been really important is to make date night a priority.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because think about it.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Does anybody here go to the dentist just on a whim?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, we don't.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: We put it on the calendar, we carve it out, we go, right?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So there are a lot of things that I think that we can put in place with our husbands uh to help us get onto the other side.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Telling our husbands thank you, I think is important.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've had a lot of young moms tell me, well, why would I want to tell my husband thank you?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, you know, you are missing a huge opportunity because not only do you get to tell him thank you, you can follow that up by saying, thank you for doing that because, and then fill in the blank.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it helps him start learning what it is that we need from them as partners.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Has anybody found a manual for marriage?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Did anybody go to school here to learn how to be married?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think it is the hardest thing that we have ever will ever do.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think by looking around here in the room, I see a lot of people who are probably very experienced.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think as young women, I'm not that young anymore, but I think um reaching out to you and asking for some of your knowledge and help is always a good thing for those uh moms that are in the trenches and um you know needing that help.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: The prop that I bought, what time do I have to quit?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I brought this because we all know that as women we came from the rib, right?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is interesting.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: When I first found this or had this in my kitchen, I started thinking about it because as women, since we came from that rib, which is this Adam's side, right there by his heart, that tells us kind of that what God intended for us to do was to come alongside, right?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's come coming alongside our husband, our friends, whoever that is, coming alongside them, instead of being sympathetic, we can have empathy.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys know what empathy means, the difference between sympathy and empathy.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sympathy says, I'm sorry.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Empathy says, hey, I'm sorry, and I'm gonna sit here by you and I'm gonna put my feet in the puddle right next to yours.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I somebody told me that, and I thought, you know what?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is a great word picture.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But in communicating with our husbands, what I've learned is because we come from the side, right there by his heart, underneath his arm, we also have to remember how to communicate with them from the side.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why husbands, it seems, like to communicate shoulder to shoulder.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, guess what that means, girls?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: That means if you can get your kitchen, your excuse me, get your husband into the kitchen with you so that you can cook shoulder to shoulder, that's gonna help you have some good conversations.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because you guys realize, right?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: That husbands were created to be warriors, they were created to be shoulder to shoulder working.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, think of a football team, right?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Shoulder to shoulder.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: So anytime that you have that opportunity, and how do we how do we work?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: We want to be face to face.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's how we process everything through talking, right?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: We communicate that way.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what husbands don't like to do, or men rather don't like to do.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: They don't like us to be face to face with them because that makes them feel intimidated.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I always think about the rib and how important it is for us to come alongside our husbands as their helpmate.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so think about that, you guys, because one of the things that I've learned over the years is we have a tendency to want to be right here with our husbands, right?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: But actually, we need to go here first.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's interesting because I'm sure you've heard this before.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: The closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other, right?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it's easy to think, okay, I need to change you and I'm gonna talk to you.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: But in reality, what do we need to do?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: We need to submit that.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that the hardest thing to do?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Is to give up our will and submit that to Christ.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: But that's what he asked us to do.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Am I right?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: So get date night on your calendar, tell your husband thank you.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's all kinds of things that we could talk about, but that's for another evening.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you know what I mean.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, Connie, thank you for having me here tonight.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate it, and um, I'll talk to you guys soon.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.