Latest / I Hate Talking / Perfection is Hated

Transcript

Perfection is Hated · I Hate Talking

• 0:29
  I Hate Talking: Welcome to episode 6 of I Hate Talking.
• 0:33
  I Hate Talking: We are now.
• 0:36
  I Hate Talking: Into Some random topics.
• 0:40
  I Hate Talking: Because we have completed our introduction to our show with the who, what, where.
• 0:48
  I Hate Talking: When and why.
• 0:50
  I Hate Talking: And are now into Our topics that we are going to delve into that perhaps have less of an outline.
• 1:01
  I Hate Talking: But as I was reciting those particular words, I think I may have said them out of order, which would have been imperfect.
• 1:10
  I Hate Talking: So we're gonna be talking about the perfectionist in today's episode.
• 1:17
  I Hate Talking: So, what do you think of when you hear the word perfectionist?
• 1:23
  I Hate Talking: I would think of someone who wants everything perfect, that maybe can't go to sleep unless the house looks the way they want, unless they've done everything in their job.
• 1:35
  I Hate Talking: Absolutely perfect.
• 1:39
  I Hate Talking: And um no mistakes, no errors.
• 1:42
  I Hate Talking: So it's interesting that when people hear the word perfectionist, I think they have a particular The idea that comes to their mind or a potential connotation maybe of being negative, maybe of being positive, but when we look at just the definition of perfectionist in the dictionary, it does not really carry any of those connotations.
• 2:08
  I Hate Talking: It simply says a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.
• 2:16
  I Hate Talking: And I guess we can perhaps consider that our word of the episode.
• 2:20
  I Hate Talking: perfectionist and we can consider that our dictionary definition, but we are going to delve into some of the nuances and connotations of that particular word.
• 2:32
  I Hate Talking: Awesome, that's perfect.
• 2:35
  I Hate Talking: Indeed it is.
• 2:37
  I Hate Talking: So we've recently taken a survey that perhaps indicates that you are more of a perfectionist than me, which I think would quite surprise both ourselves and people that know us personally.
• 2:53
  I Hate Talking: Yes, definitely.
• 2:56
  I Hate Talking: So, the backstory to this, if we're sharing that, is I recently started therapy just for myself to become the most healthy I can be as a wife, mom, person.
• 3:10
  I Hate Talking: And it was telehealth.
• 3:13
  I Hate Talking: In my initial consultation a couple of weeks ago, the therapist asked me, as I was describing my life, he said, are you a perfectionist?
• 3:25
  I Hate Talking: I instantly said, no.
• 3:26
  I Hate Talking: No, no, no.
• 3:27
  I Hate Talking: My husband is, I'm definitely not.
• 3:29
  I Hate Talking: And he made a list.
• 3:32
  I Hate Talking: He told me, or first he asked me, do you have paper and pen in front of you?
• 3:37
  I Hate Talking: And I said, yes.
• 3:39
  I Hate Talking: He said, of course you do, because you're a perfectionist.
• 3:43
  I Hate Talking: And he went on, and I'll share in a little bit.
• 3:46
  I Hate Talking: He made a list of the differences and what you'd call a perfectionist.
• 3:51
  I Hate Talking: Since then, we've talked to other people.
• 3:54
  I Hate Talking: And nobody would call me a perfectionist necessarily that we know, or high perfectionist, where everyone would instantly consider you one, except for this list, I'm 9 out of 10, where you were much less than that.
• 4:12
  I Hate Talking: So for those listening at home, uh, we may edit this so that there's not so much of a delay, but for those listening, we just counted up the list and I'm pretty sure that may be indicative of being a perfectionist as well.
• 4:32
  I Hate Talking: I love that.
• 4:33
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 4:34
  I Hate Talking: When we first started recording these, I wouldn't pause because I felt like we had to fill the moments and minutes because no one wants dead air.
• 4:43
  I Hate Talking: Now that I know we can edit, and we can.
• 4:47
  I Hate Talking: Pause and remove these moments.
• 4:50
  I Hate Talking: I took a second to count how many of them I relate to versus don't.
• 4:56
  I Hate Talking: And we are gonna go through this survey for everyone at home as well, so you can play along.
• 5:02
  I Hate Talking: But before we do that, both Steph and myself are going to take the survey once again and see what our results are.
• 5:12
  I Hate Talking: So you have the list in front of you, you may begin and I will respond to both the perfection side versus the excellent side.
• 5:22
  I Hate Talking: So I'm giving both at the same time or all perfection at one time?
• 5:26
  I Hate Talking: So I believe the survey as it was given to you was the perfection all on one side and then the excellent.
• 5:33
  I Hate Talking: Is that correct?
• 5:33
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 5:34
  I Hate Talking: So what he did for me was he said, write these words down.
• 5:38
  I Hate Talking: And mark off how many you relate to.
• 5:42
  I Hate Talking: Write two sides on what the left hand column.
• 5:46
  I Hate Talking: Write these words and tell me how many you relate to.
• 5:49
  I Hate Talking: And then after that, he said on the right-hand column, write these down and tell me how many you relate to.
• 5:55
  I Hate Talking: And for those of you that are multitasking, perhaps driving or mowing the lawn or doing laundry, we'll make this much more simple for you to play along in just a moment so that you don't have to write down anything.
• 6:09
  I Hate Talking: But before we do that, we are going to take this survey ourselves once again.
• 6:13
  I Hate Talking: OK.
• 6:14
  I Hate Talking: I idealist.
• 6:16
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:18
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:19
  I Hate Talking: Says, quote, I must.
• 6:24
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:25
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:26
  I Hate Talking: Fis failure.
• 6:29
  I Hate Talking: Yes, yes.
• 6:32
  I Hate Talking: Makes demands.
• 6:35
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:36
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:38
  I Hate Talking: Focuses on the product.
• 6:42
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 6:44
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:45
  I Hate Talking: Is enslaving.
• 6:48
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:50
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:51
  I Hate Talking: Self-condemning.
• 6:54
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:56
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 6:57
  I Hate Talking: Focuses on the fantasy.
• 7:00
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 7:02
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:03
  I Hate Talking: Inflexible.
• 7:06
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:08
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 7:09
  I Hate Talking: Addicted to being right.
• 7:13
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:14
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:15
  I Hate Talking: So that was his list for the left column for being a perfectionist.
• 7:21
  I Hate Talking: And then he wanted me to focus on instead of perfection, being excellent.
• 7:28
  I Hate Talking: And this was his.
• 7:29
  I Hate Talking: List for being excellent.
• 7:32
  I Hate Talking: Are you realistic?
• 7:35
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:37
  I Hate Talking: No, Say I want.
• 7:41
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 7:43
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 7:45
  I Hate Talking: Do you desire success?
• 7:48
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:50
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 7:51
  I Hate Talking: Do you make requests?
• 7:53
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 7:55
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 7:56
  I Hate Talking: Do you focus on the process?
• 8:00
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 8:01
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:02
  I Hate Talking: Is it free?
• 8:05
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:07
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:08
  I Hate Talking: Are you self accepting?
• 8:11
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:13
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:14
  I Hate Talking: Do you focus on reality?
• 8:17
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 8:19
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:20
  I Hate Talking: Language and story connections.
• 8:25
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:26
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 8:27
  I Hate Talking: Inflexible instead of rigid.
• 8:31
  I Hate Talking: No.
• 8:33
  I Hate Talking: Medium.
• 8:35
  I Hate Talking: So, we are going to give this survey to you, the listener.
• 8:41
  I Hate Talking: So here are the instructions.
• 8:43
  I Hate Talking: When we read the perfection side of the list.
• 8:47
  I Hate Talking: You want to record how many words that you associate yourself with.
• 8:55
  I Hate Talking: So at the end, you should have a total number.
• 8:59
  I Hate Talking: It could be 0 if you do not associate with any of the words, or it could be a much higher number if you associate with a higher number of words.
• 9:09
  I Hate Talking: Then we will read the excellent side of the list.
• 9:12
  I Hate Talking: And you again will confirm and record the number of words that you associate yourself with.
• 9:19
  I Hate Talking: So at the end of this process, you will have two separate numbers.
• 9:24
  I Hate Talking: One is your perfection number and the second is your excellent number.
• 9:29
  I Hate Talking: And once you have recorded those two numbers, we will do some math and arrive at the conclusion of how you correlate to perfection or excellence according to this study.
• 9:45
  I Hate Talking: I love that, do some math.
• 9:47
  I Hate Talking: Alright, so we will begin with the perfection side once again.
• 9:52
  I Hate Talking: So going down the list quickly, we have, are you an idealist?
• 9:57
  I Hate Talking: Do you say I must.
• 10:00
  I Hate Talking: Do you fear failure?
• 10:03
  I Hate Talking: Can you make demands?
• 10:06
  I Hate Talking: Do you focus on the product?
• 10:10
  I Hate Talking: Is life enslaving?
• 10:13
  I Hate Talking: Are you self-condemning?
• 10:17
  I Hate Talking: Do you focus on the fantasy?
• 10:20
  I Hate Talking: Are you inflexible?
• 10:22
  I Hate Talking: Are you addicted to being right?
• 10:25
  I Hate Talking: All right, so after you have heard that list of words on the perfection side, You could have arrived at a number anywhere between 0 and 10 inclusive, 0 being the fact that you did not associate with any of those words and 10 being the fact that you associated with every single word on the list.
• 10:50
  I Hate Talking: So remember this number.
• 10:52
  I Hate Talking: And we will return to it shortly.
• 10:55
  I Hate Talking: Now, on to the excellent side of the list.
• 10:59
  I Hate Talking: OK, for excellence, are you a realistic?
• 11:02
  I Hate Talking: Do you say I want.
• 11:06
  I Hate Talking: Do you desire success?
• 11:09
  I Hate Talking: Do you make requests?
• 11:12
  I Hate Talking: Focus on the process.
• 11:15
  I Hate Talking: Is life freeing.
• 11:18
  I Hate Talking: Are you self accepting?
• 11:21
  I Hate Talking: Do you focus on reality?
• 11:24
  I Hate Talking: Do you focus on language and story connections?
• 11:29
  I Hate Talking: Are you flexible instead of rigid?
• 11:33
  I Hate Talking: So based on that list, you also will arrive at a number from 0 to 10 inclusive and based on that number, we are going to take the perfection number and subtract the excellent number.
• 11:49
  I Hate Talking: So there are many different variables that could arrive here, but if you selected everything on the perfection side, you would have a 10.
• 12:00
  I Hate Talking: And if by chance you selected none of the excellent side, you would have 0.
• 12:05
  I Hate Talking: So 10 minus 0 is 10, or perhaps you have 0 in the first column and all 10 in the second list with the excellent list, and that would be -10 and then anywhere in between is going to be a more well balanced outlook on perfectionism versus excellence.
• 12:29
  I Hate Talking: And you may have a perfect balanced score of 0 or maybe a positive number, which is more on the perfection side or a negative number more on the excellent side.
• 12:44
  I Hate Talking: Yes.
• 12:45
  I Hate Talking: So this is definitely from um my therapist, that's a local therapist.
• 12:49
  I Hate Talking: He does a, I am thankful for him.
• 12:51
  I Hate Talking: Um, I would never have thought of myself as a perfectionist, but when I look back at my life as a whole, and my grades and what I've accomplished in school or my career, I definitely feel like It could be a perfectionist.
• 13:14
  I Hate Talking: What he said when I pushed back on this.
• 13:17
  I Hate Talking: I argued, if I can't do something right, it doesn't bother me.
• 13:25
  I Hate Talking: I don't even try.
• 13:26
  I Hate Talking: And what do you think he said to that?
• 13:28
  I Hate Talking: I think he may have either turned that back to a question, as most therapists do, or perhaps Completely disagreed with you to see how you would react.
• 13:41
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, he said, I don't try because I can't even get it perfect, so why even try?
• 13:48
  I Hate Talking: So there you have it, and I think this harkens back to some of the discussion that we had in some earlier episodes with perception versus belief where I would consider myself more of a perfectionist in terms of how others perceive me that I must do the right things so that I look good to others, whereas this survey and how you respond to it.
• 14:17
  I Hate Talking: That it deals more with what you believe about yourself and how you act within your own psyche.
• 14:27
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, definitely.
• 14:29
  I Hate Talking: I think after he pushed back, and as you and I have discussed this, in a way, I feel like you're taking this therapy on secondhand free of charge, because I share every, write down everything and share it with you.
• 14:42
  I Hate Talking: But I really am the one paying for it when it comes down to it.
• 14:46
  I Hate Talking: It's true, you are.
• 14:48
  I Hate Talking: Thank you for your hard work at your job.
• 14:50
  I Hate Talking: Homeschooling, stay at home mom doesn't pay well.
• 14:54
  I Hate Talking: But As, um, I'm sharing this with you and discussing it with him and all that, I think a big thing um that I would have pushed back on when I say, oh, I'm, my house is a mess, like, the kitchen is never perfect.
• 15:13
  I Hate Talking: And it's just how it is.
• 15:15
  I Hate Talking: And he's pushing back saying, you're saying that because you know it can't be perfect, so you're not even trying.
• 15:22
  I Hate Talking: That in itself is a perfectionist stance, you're not going to try because you can never reach perfection.
• 15:31
  I Hate Talking: And even in this podcast, or everything in my life, I'm seeing that I have a bar in my head.
• 15:39
  I Hate Talking: Where my house is not perfectly clean.
• 15:43
  I Hate Talking: And I'd say, see, obviously I'm not a perfectionist.
• 15:47
  I Hate Talking: But I feel like my why is different.
• 15:52
  I Hate Talking: It's not.
• 15:53
  I Hate Talking: An acceptance of it's OK, cause my kids are having fun and playing.
• 15:58
  I Hate Talking: It's an acceptance of I can't make it look like that magazine or that person's house I was at, who has a housekeeper, so I'm not even gonna try.
• 16:09
  I Hate Talking: So it also has to deal with the standards that we either set for ourselves or perhaps that society sets for us that could be realistic or unrealistic.
• 16:24
  I Hate Talking: So I think again it comes back to some of the things that we are talking about earlier with.
• 16:29
  I Hate Talking: Perception and control in terms of how much you can control in order to reach those standards that are either in your own mind set by yourself or perhaps set by society or in your words set by that particular magazine.
• 16:46
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, and so in your perspective, as we've been discussing this recently.
• 16:52
  I Hate Talking: Does it surprise you that I am more of a quote unquote perfectionist than you?
• 16:58
  I Hate Talking: We've been married, tomorrow will be, this will air later on, but in real time, tomorrow.
• 17:06
  I Hate Talking: It will be 15 years since he got on one knee and asked me to marry him.
• 17:11
  I Hate Talking: So in this past 15 years of me wearing this ring on my finger.
• 17:15
  I Hate Talking: Would you say ever in that time that I was a perfectionist over you?
• 17:21
  I Hate Talking: No, never in that time and perhaps still not to this day, even based on this survey.
• 17:29
  I Hate Talking: OK, go on with that.
• 17:31
  I Hate Talking: So I think that Perhaps we have found some insightful information from this particular survey in terms of how it is interpreted to be a perfectionist or not a perfectionist, and it leads to some interesting conversations that are very insightful and brings about additional understanding.
• 17:57
  I Hate Talking: However, I think that the original definition that we looked at today is that a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection and that that standard must be achieved, even if they believe that it is unrealistic or unachievable.
• 18:16
  I Hate Talking: Hm.
• 18:16
  I Hate Talking: That definitely in some ways would be different than what this list that we gave is.
• 18:22
  I Hate Talking: I think as I'm reflecting back on what I've been told and what I've thought, The thing that pops out in my head that changed my mind that maybe I am a perfectionist.
• 18:34
  I Hate Talking: I, I mean, yes, I can look at my quote unquote achievements, but my why, my personal feelings about things, was one of the questions, #3 on the perfectionist list was feel a fear of failure.
• 18:52
  I Hate Talking: And thinking, I can't have that perfect house.
• 18:56
  I Hate Talking: So I'm not gonna try.
• 18:58
  I Hate Talking: I can't do this.
• 19:02
  I Hate Talking: So I'm not even gonna try.
• 19:04
  I Hate Talking: And I think is different than what your list where it's saying perfect at all costs, right?
• 19:13
  I Hate Talking: Exactly, but perhaps the point of going through this survey and being able to determine how we associate with these particular words on either the perfectionism category or the excellence category is not necessarily to particularly define us as a perfectionist or not a perfectionist, but instead to bring us to new insights and new understanding.
• 19:41
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, I think that's the biggest takeaway.
• 19:44
  I Hate Talking: Um, maybe I'll just quickly read over the list again of excellence, cause this is, again, it's not a black or white, cut or dry.
• 19:53
  I Hate Talking: If you can say yes or no, you're in this category for the rest of your life, or you're screwed up or messed up or anything like that.
• 20:01
  I Hate Talking: But it was motivating to me for the excellence category, saying realistic, says I want, desire success, you make requests, you focus on the process, it's life is freeing, self-accepting, you focus on reality, you focus on language and story connections, and you're flexible instead of rigid.
• 20:27
  I Hate Talking: And I feel like none of those are negatives.
• 20:30
  I Hate Talking: Exactly.
• 20:32
  I Hate Talking: So hopefully you were able to follow along with our list of words and do this insightful study in terms of determining if you associate with perfectionism versus excellence and at the end of the day, determine where your motivation comes from and how you see the world because that's what we want to achieve at I hate Talking.
• 20:59
  I Hate Talking: So, from your friends at Iha Talking, until next time, remember, it is only through talking that we begin the journey to understanding.