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Dr. Diane Mueller - Naturopath and Sexologist · She’s Smart

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Hey, everybody. Welcome to She's Smart. I'm your host, Maria Robotham. Let's talk about sex.
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Today, I have Dr. Diane Mueller, and we are talking all things intimacy,
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pleasure, and how to keep the spark alive with the incredible advice that Diane gives us.
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She is a certified sexologist, and we get real about relationships,
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libido, and why we need to stop thinking passion fades as we get older.
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Because, spoiler, it doesn't have to.
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We talk about how to prioritize intimacy, yes, even when life is busy,
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why scheduling sex is actually sexy, and how getting comfortable with our own
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pleasure can completely change how we show up in our relationships.
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And don't worry, we have plenty of laughs, especially when Diane introduces
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me to the concept of lifting weights with your vagina.
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This conversation is for every woman who has ever felt like life,
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kids, or stress have gotten in the way of feeling sexy and confident.
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You do not want to miss it.
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So get cozy as we connect, learn, and laugh together on She's Smart.
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Music.
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Hi, Maria. How are you?
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It is so nice to meet you. It's so nice to meet you as well.
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I was reading about you and saw that you had Lyme disease.
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And I live in Connecticut and we are prevalent, like the most prevalent with Lyme disease. Oh, yeah.
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When you said Connecticut, the first thing in my mind is Lyme country, obviously.
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Literally, you're a naturopath. You are a specialist in Lyme,
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certified in sexology, sexologist.
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What inspired you to go from being a Lyme specialist into this new realm of
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libido and sexual awakening therapy, sexology?
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I mean, some of it is just reaching midlife. I'll be 45 here in a couple months, right?
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And just having spent my entire clinical career talking about pain and people's pain.
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And while it's been like the most phenomenal thing from a standpoint of helping
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people with really scary MS-like symptoms and those kinds of things.
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Healing and reversing scary things.
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So it's been so clinically like inspiring and all that, but it's also really heavy.
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And the way I've been explaining this when I get asked is like,
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I've started wanting to move my career from just talking about moving people
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away from pain to really moving people towards pleasure.
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And then having gone through a divorce about four years ago and now in a really
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healthy relationship that started right around the time of divorce.
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And I've really began to see in my own life, my friend's life and other people's
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lives around what happens as women, as humans, when we stop prioritizing pleasure and,
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And not only to the self, but to the relationship. So I've just really been
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passionate in finding ways of helping people that are in long-term relationships
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get back to that point of just like being like the teenager in love and really
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working from what we were talking about before around like the beliefs and getting
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into these core beliefs around like we have,
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I think, all these beliefs in society around sex, intimacy, pleasure,
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passion dies with longevity.
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And that's just a freaking story. So I'm really interested in spending the second
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half of my life and career in helping people rewrite that story.
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That's a long-winded way of saying all of that. No, but it makes total sense.
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It makes total sense. There's so much to go into with all this.
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So when you had Lyme disease, you had to have gone through, I have friends who've
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had it and who have gone through all of these different, not only just emotions
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with having it and feeling like no one knew what they had. and it was this disease,
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it was like, it could be anything.
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There had to have come depression with that. Oh, yeah.
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And did all of those symptoms and that effect must have affected your sex drive
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and your libido and who you were at the core, right? Can you talk a little bit about that?
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Yeah. So as far as then like depression and as far as some of the other things,
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like there was just a sense of survival, right?
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The survival kicks in and everything else shuts down.
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At the core of it, because I didn't have just Lyme, it was also mold illness. It's a combination.
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And like when I started testing, it was Lyme, it was BZ, it was Barnella,
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it was mold, it was Entamoeba histolytica, which is this really scary parasite
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that can crawl around the body and get into the liver and get into the brain.
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It was just like a laundry list of things. Lyme was like one of the many problems.
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It was really dissociative, my experience.
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So at times I would feel this, we call it depersonalization in medicine.
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At times I would feel almost like I was outside of my body looking in my body.
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Like I wasn't attached to myself at all.
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And so when you're talking about like depression and these other things around
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what I was feeling, I mean, there's a level of feeling honestly like numb.
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Like the way I described it was actually more of the word melancholy than depression.
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It was just this, like it didn't feel like necessarily sad, right? Some people feel sad.
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It was more just like this lethargic, flat, like I don't care about anything.
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I'm not motivated by anything.
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Just like trying to really survive the days.
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And I really think it took, and this is what I say to any Lyme and mold survivors,
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it's really like a pure will, right?
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I think it's like this pure will to survive. And I think it really does show
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anybody that goes through this how tough the human spirit really is.
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Because every day, it really just came down to like, how do I survive the day?
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How do I get to the glass of water?
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How do I take care of whatever needs to be done? At the same point,
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I was researching deserted islands and, okay, am I dying?
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Do I need to move to a hut in Thailand someplace where I can find a cheap hut
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and just live out my days? It was a very confusing time. Yeah.
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I can't imagine that. And then it affecting you in every way of your life, right? Yeah.
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Not just the day-to-day, but how you feel about yourself and going through it.
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Exactly. What? So you move through this transition and now you're going into
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this space of a more positive. Let's bring back the sexiness.
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Let's bring back who you are, your feeling, your movement, moving through the world.
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We're doing a lot of goddess circles amongst my friends.
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My sister in California does a bunch of them. And I find that they've all been
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really helpful in all of us tapping into our femininity and who we are in our
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movement and how we go through life now instead of just being wives and moms and partners.
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It brings back the sexuality of who we are without being overt.
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It's just almost like a presence in there.
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Do you work with men and women or do you find that you work with mostly women?
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And like who normally approaches you for this?
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It's both. It's both. A lot of times it's couples. Sometimes it's like couples
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that come into, because I have a libido club,
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which is a monthly membership where people come and they just learn about everything
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is like almost too taboo where people don't feel like comfortable asking their
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doctor and not always comfortable talking with their friends.
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So like in that, sometimes like one person in the couple will come,
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sometimes both people in the couple will come. And if it's just one person,
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they're usually asking questions that, you know, pertain to them both.
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Yeah. So it truly is. It can be anybody. And.
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From the female perspective of it, like one of the things, like when you're
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talking about like your goddess circles and really being in like the,
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almost like the essence of our femininity, the essence of our power,
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the essence of our sexuality, but in this kind of not this pornographic way, right?
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This like classy way of presenting in our fullness.
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Some of that is really starting to tune into our body parts and not being numb.
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And a lot of spiritual movements out there will talk about things like leading
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from your heart and leading from your heart center and really focusing on things
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that are actually almost energetically coming from the space.
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And I think that's great.
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And another fun thing that we can start to do, especially, I think,
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for women, because I think women have such a disconnect from our vagina,
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our vulva, our clitoris, our entire erogenous tissues.
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Shoes so really fun exercises okay what if
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you lead from your womanhood right what
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does that actually look like even we were talking about
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snowboarding earlier this is an exercise that one
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of my girlfriends and I do a lot one of
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my main ski buddies is we'll get off this
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ski lift and okay we're gonna do this run and
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we're actually leading from our womanhood we're leading from our vagina we're
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leading from our this female part of ourselves and what does it feel like to
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lead to snowboard with kind of that energetic frequency in this part of our
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body and kind of hold that as we are snowboarding.
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So it brings that connectivity back to our pleasure centers that I just think
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there's so much disconnect that we have, unfortunately, because of so many reasons, past and present.
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Are they starting to teach more of this? I don't understand what's happening.
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We'll go, let's do the young people really fast because a lot of people that
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are listening are like 40 plus.
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But I just had a really cool dating coach on. Her name was Jill.
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And she was talking about how dating has changed so much with apps.
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And I'm curious what it is now with sexuality in younger people,
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like when they're becoming sexually active, like 18 plus, right?
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How has it changed for them? Are they more in tune than we were? Or is it less?
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Do you know? I'm so curious about this?
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Yeah, I mean, I can talk from a standpoint of three stepkids in my life and
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two of them being teenagers.
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And it's been shocking to me because they all know that I do this work around
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libido and they're super curious and trying to find ways of talking about it,
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but still being respectful and whatnot.
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And it's amazing to me at 13 and almost 16, the questions that they have for
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me around things like that I never would have known as a teenager.
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So, you know, for example, like things around teenage boy making jokes about edging at 13. I'm like.
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Okay, how do you know this at 13? So,
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you know, at some point, it's one of my desires to actually create classes for,
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and this is something I'm going to do once they're past 18, if they're interested,
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is I think it'd be a really cool plan to teach classes with them around, okay,
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how to actually have these conversations with children, because there is an
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element where they're certainly learning things at a younger age.
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But it's also interesting, too, because we can have in the conversations I have
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with them around, OK, waiting until 18 has been my advice before they actually
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have sex, anything that's penetrative.
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And I think their curiosity around it and their understanding,
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we'll see what they choose,
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but their curiosity and understanding around the the reason for that sort of
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advice feels also like far beyond what I was able to understand at that age. So I think there's both.
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I think they're getting that information at a younger age, but there's also
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this level of, okay, this is an important thing to have respect around and safety
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around and all those things that, frankly, I just didn't know any of it at that age.
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Yeah, I didn't. I lost my virginity at 16.
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Yeah. I didn't know.
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Yeah. Something I wanted to do. Long boyfriend, all that stuff.
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Yeah. But we didn't know anything, obviously.
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And as we age, I am a firm believer as we age, it only gets better.
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And I don't know if that's because I have just become more comfortable in myself.
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I think that has a lot to do with it, is the comfort I have in myself and just
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who I am as a person in my own body that I'm more open to the experience.
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And I think that has definitely helped and shaped where I am today and all of that.
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But do you find that a lot of women our age, because we're around the same age,
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or in their 40s, feel like it's not good anymore, it's done?
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Well, we're old, which we're not, but they get that sense that it was better when we were younger?
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I think there's an element of a lot. I think that's one factor of many,
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but I think there's an element of so many different things.
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I think there's a level of feeling overwhelmed and the kids,
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the career, keeping up on health and exercise and any sort of hobbies.
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And it just, I think, gets to a point where it's just overwhelming.
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And I also think that like one of two things can happen.
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I think it can go one of two ways and micro ways beside that, but two main ways.
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And the one is I'm overwhelmed. this is like not that important and just putting
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this on, putting sexuality and intimacy on this shelf of, hey, I think I'm just good.
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And I think that happens for a lot of people. And then the other side of things that can happen is,
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In these teenage years, there were so many things that were so hard about being a teenager.
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And there's so much embarrassment around worrying about what people thought of us and all of that.
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And so I think it becomes really hard in that age, one, to even stand up for
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ourselves enough to say, oh, this is how my body likes to be touched.
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Or this is like how I want to engage intimately.
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And the self-confidence that starts happening, I think, especially around that
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shift into the 40s and leading up to it, of course. But I think the 40s is there's
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certainly a big shift that happens for most people.
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That's where I find that then people all of a sudden are like,
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oh, I'm going to ask for what I want. And I'm going to say that doesn't work
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for my body. And this does.
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And I want you to touch me this way. And I want to experience sensuality and intimacy that way.
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And that's where I see like a lot of the work I do, like I said,
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is really helping people to reprogram their beliefs around what pleasure can actually be like.
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And this is the mind blowing thing, right? Because like so many people be like,
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oh, sex gets worse the longer you're in the relationship or you get married
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and sex goes to hell, right? Like people will have this belief.
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But when we think about it, what else in life do you do over and over again
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and you practice over and over and over again and you get worse at?
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Like, right? It doesn't make any sense. So when we can start and we get to this age where we're like,
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oh, yeah, I'm going to actually start taking charge of my own pleasure and start
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working my way to asking and talking about and being comfortable with this and
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sharing and exploring and trying new things.
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It really can truly be the best intimate experience of our lives because we
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are now in a point where we're actually feeling into what is the uniqueness
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of my body wants and receiving that. Yeah.
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How many couples, how can couples prioritize this juggle of kids, career, and intimacy,
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making time for sex, or whatever it might be with their partner?
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Yeah, it's one of these things that I think is sometimes shocking to people
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around when I say you got to schedule it, right? And you have to prioritize it.
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And a lot of us in the sexology world that say this.
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One of the things that people oftentimes say is that it's not sexy,
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that it's not spontaneous. But here's the thing.
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This is always shocking for people to go back and think about,
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like when we are first dating and we have a new partner, a new lover,
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what we're doing is we're always scheduling it.
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It's like the date night on Friday and we're getting ready and maybe we're picking
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out our perfect outfit and all of the things and that goes well and it's the
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date night next Wednesday. It's always being scheduled.
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And so what's super interesting is we say scheduling is not sexy.
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There's this belief, but actually we schedule it until we get so comfortable
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that maybe we move in together and we start seeing each other every day.
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And that's when we actually stop scheduling it, which is interesting.
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That oftentimes is when many times it stops becoming as frequent or sexy because
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it's just supposed to happen now that we see each other every day.
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And scheduling it is such a fun way to bring the flirt back in.
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Because so much of what happens in these long-term relationships is we stop that flirting.
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We stop those cute, sexy texts. And all of that oftentimes just becomes not
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a priority anymore because we think we're good. We're solid.
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And so when we start scheduling it, it actually starts giving us material to flirt with again.
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It's teasing each other about what's going to happen and what we're going to
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wear and what we're going to do. And like the intimacy experience we're going to have.
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All of that is we can do that as dirty talk. We can do that as flirting.
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And just whatever feels, you know, good to you, but it gives material to bring
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that flirt and that sexy talk back in.
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And at the same time, in the busyness of schedules, I also like to delineate
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for people like maintenance sex versus what I call bougie sex. Oh, okay.
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Yeah. So bougie sex is, I'm a big fan of bougie, right? I love bougie. I love fancy.
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And so bougie sex is that. It's like that level of, wow, we are spending this time to really go deep.
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We're going to spend an hour maybe foreplaying and just exploring each other's bodies.
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And we're going to have this long, profound sexual experience that might last a couple hours.
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And it's going to be in and out of things like intercourse to,
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hey, we're just touching and being each other and looking each other's eyes
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and holding and feeling that oxytocin and that bond and all that.
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Yummy. So yummy. And the reality is bougie sex takes more time, right?
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And so then the maintenance sex world, the maintenance sex is in many ways a good enough sex.
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And what I mean by that is it's still great and it's still going to hold that
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bond, but you're not going to spend maybe two hours.
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Maybe there's 20 minutes of foreplay because surveys have showed that 18 to
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19 minutes, 18 for men, 19 for women is where they want that perfect amount
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of foreplay, helps women get in the mood. So we spend 20 minutes on that.
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Maybe we spend another 15 minutes actually in any sort of more detailed sexual act.
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And we have a 35 to 40 minute type of play night instead of our,
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you know, two, our longer two-hour bougies.
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It depends upon the couple what they need.
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Surveys do show that couples that report the happiest in their relationships
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all over are reporting to have sex about one time a week.
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So technically 50, 50 times a year. So barely less than that,
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you know, once a week mark.
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So if we can fit in a couple times of those bougie sex a month where it's,
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okay, this longer, more intimate type of thing, that depth of connection.
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And then sprinkle some of the more, hey, life is busy.
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We're going to throw in this maintenance sex in these other areas.
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We can create this still, this intense, beautiful bond that,
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frankly, I think makes people fight less and get along more and still have time
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for all of the things that we all have to navigate in our busy adult lives.
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Wow. 20 minutes. I agree with that. I agree with that 20 minutes of foreplay.
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And I love this bougie night.
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We plan our date night.
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Everyone's busy. It's schedules. It's so fun. And I'm fancy.
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So I'm with you on that. I like to dress up. I got my outfit. I know what I'm wearing.
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Yes. It is the best. Are there any small, impactful changes that couples can
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do to help start reinvigorating things if they feel like it's gotten stagnant
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or they're looking to become more intimate with their partner?
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Yeah, two different ideas. One, definitely go to libidoco.com.
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So libidoco.com is where I have a quiz that is helping people understand their
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unique libido kind of type.
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And so that's what that's going to do is it's going to help you understand the
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ways that you get turned on and the ways that your partner gets turned on.
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And like love languages or any of these other types of archetypes,
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there's so many different personality archetypes, Myers-Briggs,
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right? So there's so many of these different types of models.
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So this is a model that is designed to help you understand like,
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oh, this is the way you get turned on.
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This is the way your partner gets turned on. And oftentimes,
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if we don't know this, we're missing each other's cues.
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Are our partners doing something because it's going to help them to get in the mood?
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And we can interpret it as, oh, they're not paying attention to my cues.
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No, they're helping themselves get in the mood.
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So that's a super easy step to just understand your own turn-ons,
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your partner's turn-ons. So again, that's libido code.
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And then another fun thing to do is to just have a play night,
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right? Where the intention is like not to orgasm, right? Take orgasm off the table, right?
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Okay. And I'm going to get my model here. And so-
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This. Oh, I'm so glad you brought the model.
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I was at all your other podcast episodes and I was hoping that the model would come out. Yeah.
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Because I had a question about orgasms too.
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Yeah. Yeah. I think like it's so important, right?
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So like in my model, what we have is we have what people think of the clitoris,
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which is basically this bulb right here.
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But what a lot of people don't realize is the clitoris has these,
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have these long legs, which are just under the pelvic bone.
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And you can feel them if you go between the inner and outer lip and you go deep
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until the pubic bone area, you'll start to feel tissue around there, which are these legs.
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And so what's super interesting for people is everybody, like every woman has
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different ways the nerves are distributed.
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So this like clitoral bulb, this part right here again, that is what people
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think of the clitoris and like where men and women alike will go to for female
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pleasure is for some women,
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not as like as sensitive as other areas.
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For other women, it's like too sensitive where it almost can hurt.
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And other women, it's like the best thing under the moon, right?
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But what we see is that based upon how women's nerves are distributed,
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the legs, these areas right here, one area can be so much more sensitive.
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Like for me, I have, it's my left side and my left side is so much more sensitive than my right side.
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These are really important things to understand about yourself or your partner.
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And so having these nights where we're actually taking like an orgasm off the
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table and it's really just, hey, let me like learn your body. Let me learn my own body.
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And as women, I really do encourage masturbation and encourage that for men too.
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But for women, I think so many times, even when women masturbate.
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It's like to get the job done, right? It's going to go in. I'm going to pleasure
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myself. It's three minutes. I know what to do.
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And versus really actually understanding your own anatomy because then you can help your partner.
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So it can also be a really fun play thing to have your hand on your own anatomy
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and have your partner's hand on top and just explore together.
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And like you can explore depths and pressure.
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And it's a way to teach your partner kind of what feels good by exploring,
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you know, yourself, you know, with yourself makes for a really fun date night.
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And we can have these sessions in 20 minutes and it can just be, hey,
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our point here is to just spend a few minutes to get more intimate with each other's bodies,
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which is another reason why intimacy and pleasure can get better with time and
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with longevity, because these are the people that were spending the time to
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learn these details. Yeah.
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So is that why, and this was one of my questions, is that why orgasms,
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I don't know how about men, I've actually, I've asked this question about if
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they feel different for men every time they orgasm.
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But for women, they're, I don't know, different sensations. Some of them are really strong.
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Some of them are like just really fast and like just sweet.
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Is there like an anatomical reason for that? Is that those nerves where,
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Or do other people experience this, where they feel different,
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that orgasms are different?
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Yeah, 100%. A friend of mine, another sexologist, Susan Bratton,
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has in her work identified 20 different types of orgasms.
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So she's actually delineated these many different ways and these different feelings.
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There's going to be a uniqueness from woman to woman how we get to different
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types of orgasms. So for some women, it's like their cervix is like the key
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to unlocking the most profound orgasms.
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Other women doesn't feel that great. And we can do things like there's techniques
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called dearmoring the cervix where you actually use these long wands and you
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insert them and actually very gently hold them on the cervix because this is
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a part of our body that is...
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Not touched very often. So it can be really sensitive. And so we can do work
26:10
to soften the tissue and help it experience more pleasure and reprogram those nerves.
26:16
But even so, there's going to be women where this is going to feel like and
26:20
create a certain type of orgasm for, and other women are not going to have that
26:25
experience. So there's like what's called a blended orgasm.
26:29
And a blended orgasm is where maybe it's a cervical or a clitoral component
26:34
that is touched combined with a nipple, maybe combined with penetration.
26:38
So another thing that's going to lead to different types of orgasms is like,
26:42
oh, how do we combine these different erogenous tissues?
26:45
And that different combination for one woman is going to feel one way and for
26:49
another woman's going to feel a very different way.
26:52
There are many different types of orgasms we have, but it's not as like playbook
26:56
from a standpoint of, oh, if every woman does, if every man or every partner
27:01
does this to a female counterpart,
27:04
it's not like A plus B plus C equals orgasm D and A plus D plus F equals orgasm G.
27:11
It's more around, okay, there's these different ways we can experience orgasms.
27:16
And so what is the unique way for the unique woman's body to get this sort of
27:21
sensation while also realizing that this does change with time and things that
27:27
feel pleasurable to us as women, sometimes in our 20s,
27:31
all of a sudden are not like what our pleasure body wants.
27:34
So that's another way this gets so deep is that it's changing.
27:37
And something that I was like, wow, I'm never going to do that feels horrible, right?
27:42
All of a sudden in your 40s and your 50s, you might realize,
27:44
actually, that feels pretty good now. So it will change and evolve.
27:47
I think it's also with getting more in tune with yourself and what you really
27:53
feel is good and works for both of you, right? That combination.
27:58
The communication, communicating during intimacy, how it's very important to
28:05
be communicating during intimacy.
28:07
How much of a role does that play when people are looking for help,
28:11
when they're trying to talk to each other and not feel uncomfortable about it?
28:16
If he wants something or she wants something, how do you get them to communicate
28:21
without cringing if they're not comfortable with it?
28:25
Yeah, all of this is a combination of baby steps, but also just ripping the Band-Aid off.
28:30
One of the things that I think is important to understand is when we have conflict
28:35
conversations, anything that feels intense in partnerships, what studies in
28:40
psychology have shown, and this is not just talking about sex,
28:43
conversations about sex.
28:44
This is just talking about conflict in general or things that feel intense.
28:47
There's three threats that come up to a partnership.
28:52
One is the threat to one individual. The second is the threat to the other individual.
28:56
And the third threat is the threat to the actual kind of combination, the partnership.
29:01
So that's true in general hard conversations.
29:05
And those three threats oftentimes are pretty equal in intensity.
29:09
But when we actually are taking that same principle and studies have looked
29:13
at sex and conversations about sex and intimacy, out of those three,
29:19
the part, the one that is like the biggest threat is actually the threat to self.
29:24
So if I enter in a conversation with my partner and we're going to talk about
29:28
sex, I am most worried about the threat to myself on a subconscious level.
29:34
So this is where these conversations get hard, right?
29:37
Because we go naturally into a level of survival when we are talking about these threats to self.
29:44
It's because we have the self-preservation. Every human does.
29:47
And so it's really easy to hear and things like, oh my gosh,
29:54
I'm not providing correctly or I'm doing something wrong or I'm not a good lover.
29:59
And it's so easy for all those kind of thoughts to come up.
30:02
So I think the first thing is actually realizing this and realizing what is at stake.
30:08
It is an element of going into these conversations where there is awareness
30:14
of both people coming to this conversation being like, hey, I'm doing this because
30:18
I want to grow deeper with my partner.
30:21
So one of the things that I have found to help people a lot is.
30:26
Is to actually have a precursor conversation. And usually I tell people, I'm like,
30:32
mention the podcast you heard me on or mention the YouTube or mention the article
30:37
you read about me and just take it to your partner and just start with, hey, I read this.
30:42
I am so interested in having even deeper.
30:46
I like the word even because anytime we're doing, we start with something around,
30:51
hey, I want more of what's good instead of, hey, I don't want what's bad.
30:56
It really changes that threat to oneself and say, hey, I really want to grow
31:00
even closer with you in our sex life. And I read this article and it suggested
31:06
we talk about it and I really want to try. Can we talk about that?
31:10
And so it takes the edge off when we do that.
31:13
And if we can add another layer to say, for example, I really love this one
31:17
thing that you do and I want to talk about more of the things that I love.
31:22
We can, when we do that, there's automatically that softness around,
31:25
huh, like I can feel that in my body even when I say this here.
31:28
I'm like, do you want to tell me more about what I'm doing great at?
31:32
And so then we start to take that threat down and we can proceed from there.
31:37
Oh, yeah. I guess that makes total sense.
31:41
That makes total sense. Are there any common patterns in couples that have like
31:47
really deeply fulfilling intimate relationships.
31:52
One of the common, I would say two of the common things is one,
31:55
the prioritization is they do prioritize it.
32:00
Scheduling it is very common. And the other thing is it's very common that they
32:05
do, they are comfortable talking about it because without that and just like
32:11
even simple things like you're mentioning, oh, fingers don't feel great anymore.
32:14
How many people actually feel that and then just like grin and bear it and then,
32:19
oh, I don't want to do this anymore
32:20
because it's uncomfortable and start pulling away from the intimacy.
32:24
And the other person is like, what am I like? They notice it and it just becomes
32:28
this like something that gets shoved under the rug and not actually addressed.
32:34
So that ability to talk about that and make it a priority, those are the two
32:39
most common. As far as what the details of what that looks like,
32:43
you're going to find so many differences from individual to individual.
32:47
What is novel and kinky and fun and exciting to one person is going to be like
32:52
scary or stupid or boring to another couple.
32:56
So it's more around the core principles of prioritization and communication.
33:01
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's making me think of a couple of things.
33:06
What? Okay, I asked the orgasm question. I'm so glad you mentioned that because
33:09
that was like literally on here.
33:11
What advice do you have for couples who feel like they've lost their spark?
33:15
We talked about that a little bit.
33:17
Having a conversation, touching, playing.
33:20
What else can they start to do?
33:22
One of the fun things to start getting this back is I really like intimacy cards.
33:30
So these are like decks. You can find these on Amazon. Just look for like intimacy card decks.
33:35
And what they are, they're almost like a trivial pursuit.
33:39
They're like a bunch of questions, right? These open-ended questions.
33:42
And they're anything from what was your favorite memory from when you were five
33:46
years old to what is your favorite memory of when we were in bed together?
33:52
So some of them are around sexual intimacy. Some of them are around emotional intimacy.
33:58
But one of the things that I think happens in longer relationships where people
34:02
lose their spark is we start thinking we know everything about the other person.
34:07
There's like that, what do we talk about?
34:10
And we get into this rhythm and the routine. And we get in that rhythm and routine
34:15
in the bedroom. And sexual, we call in the sex world, sexual scripts get started
34:20
where it's like basically a sexual script.
34:23
All long-term couples tend to have them unless they actively work to not to.
34:27
But the sexual script is, okay, I kiss you, you kiss me, I roll you on my back.
34:31
We do this act, we do that act.
34:33
We have the grand finale of penetration and we're done.
34:36
And that's going to look different, but it's a very, it's going to look different
34:39
from couple to couple, but it's very common that happens. And so we get into
34:44
this routine, sexual scripts in our life and what we talk about.
34:48
And these are, this is the thing where couples get to dinner time and the thing
34:52
that they can think to talk about are their children and that's it. Yeah.
34:57
What I love about these cards and having like intention around these cards for
35:02
this question you asked me around getting the spark back is it really starts
35:06
to unravel and gets us out of the normal pattern of thinking.
35:11
And it's almost like just these conversation starters, which you can think of
35:15
as like ice breakers at the beginning of the relationship.
35:17
But now you're asking questions you never thought to ask. And what I have found
35:22
with these is oftentimes people will use, pull one or two cards and it's going
35:28
to spark this conversation.
35:31
And you're not going to many people, most people, and it's fine if you do,
35:34
most people are not pulling card after card.
35:36
It's that it's going to spark this type of conversation that we did not know
35:40
we, that we didn't know we could have.
35:42
And there's like where that emotional connection comes back.
35:45
And there's where that curiosity that we oftentimes lose in longer-term relationships
35:50
because we think we know this person and we do know this person so well,
35:54
but we don't know everything about them.
35:55
And the emotional stuff changes in time too.
35:58
So it's a really fun step to start getting that like emotional connection and
36:03
even the flirty connection with those kind of cards as well.
36:06
Easy way to start this off again, if kind of that spark has been lost and you're
36:11
starting to drift into the rut of the longevity of the relationship.
36:16
Oh, yeah. I used to call my husband when he was at the office when we lived in the city.
36:21
And I used to say the most inappropriate things to him while he was sitting
36:24
on a desk with a bunch, like at a desk with all these other people.
36:27
I love that. And I'd say like so much. I'd be like, hey, what are you wearing?
36:32
And he's, everything's good. Thank you.
36:34
And I would just be so inappropriate. I knew he was just dying inside because
36:38
he couldn't do anything about it. And it was the most fun to mess with him.
36:42
Now when we send text messages, I told the boys they weren't allowed to read his phone anymore.
36:48
I'm like, dad's phone's off limits. And they're like, what? And I have a 12-year-old
36:52
and a 10-year-old. And my 12-year-old, if you're teens, knows things he shouldn't.
36:56
I said this to my husband. I was like, they can't see your phone anymore.
37:01
And my 12-year-old's like, why? I'm like, because I'm sending daddy adult texts. And he's like, what?
37:06
That's what we do. And hopefully when you're older and married,
37:09
you have someone who wants to send you those text messages too.
37:12
Exactly. Yeah, I think it's allowed. It's a really good message,
37:16
right? To send them around, oh, this is what adult couples do to help stay in
37:20
love and help the passion be there.
37:22
And it really is, I think, leading by that example of, yeah,
37:25
this is really good and healthy to continue these things in our long relationships.
37:30
My partner and I, we actually use Signal.
37:33
And because Signal is an app that's like hyper secure, it's extra password protected.
37:38
So we don't even send regular messages through threads. So we have this separate
37:43
app that we use that the kids can't get into.
37:46
And that's how we deal with that.
37:49
So they can get in our phone. I am writing that down right now.
37:52
And I will link it below so other people know if they want to start sending
37:55
sexy messages. That's where they put it.
37:57
I never remember that. Yes, highly encrypted. Much safer. That's interesting.
38:02
That was another piece of another question I was going to ask is.
38:06
What can you reflect as partners to your kids?
38:11
How can you reflect a really healthy relationship so that they see what a healthy
38:16
relationship looks like?
38:17
What can you be doing to show them that, yeah, my husband and I kiss and they
38:21
cringe or like I'll snuggle up to him and they're like, but I find that it's
38:26
not it's showing it's how I love I hug and everything else.
38:30
What else can people can be doing to show that this is all safe and it's good and necessary in life?
38:37
Yeah, some of it is, I think, what you're talking about around starting with kissing and hugging.
38:41
We love to bring in the conversation around oxytocin.
38:45
So all the kids know about oxytocin and know that 20-second hug is what generates oxytocin.
38:52
They know all the benefits. The kids know all the health benefits of it.
38:55
A lot of people know the 20-second hug, what a lot of people don't realize,
38:58
though, is like the six-second kiss.
39:00
And so we've got the kids so trained in this that we'll be sometimes like kissing.
39:05
And we're appropriate. We're not like making out kissing in front of the kids,
39:09
but still like holding a kiss for six seconds.
39:13
And sometimes I'll be doing like this behind his back and I'll be counting and
39:17
the kids are like laughing. And if we get to five and like we stopped and they'll
39:21
like they'll get on it and they'll be like, it's not long enough.
39:24
You didn't get your oxytocin.
39:26
We definitely made it a playful thing.
39:30
We've also had nights where it's, okay, we're going to go upstairs,
39:34
eight o'clock, we're tuning in early.
39:36
And the kids, I think, will sense something. And sometimes they'll say something
39:40
like, what are you doing up there?
39:41
And when actually responding and saying, we're doing what healthy adults do
39:46
that have really good relationships is we're going to go upstairs and spend
39:49
some time taking care of our relationship.
39:52
So they see us modeling like, hey, now it's time for us to go have our time.
39:58
We love you. We care about you guys.
40:00
But they'll be aware sometimes that we are going to have, of course,
40:04
we don't tell them like what we're doing up there. Right, right.
40:07
But they are aware that there's something happening, that they are not welcome
40:11
to join and that this is their time.
40:13
And I actively tell them like, this is how we are keeping our relationship really
40:19
strong and healthy. And this is what it looks like to do.
40:22
So just modeling a level of, hey, we're taking this time and we're telling you
40:26
why we're taking this time and why it's important and what it does for a relationship.
40:31
Oh, yeah. At what age can you start saying that?
40:35
I think it depends upon whatever your feelings are right for your own kids. The youngest one is 10.
40:43
The youngest one is definitely the one that hears things from his older brother
40:46
and sister and does not understand them.
40:49
He's still aware of the 20-second hug and the six-second kiss and still makes
40:53
fun of us. And it's just this huge kind of family giggle time.
40:56
But we do still say, hey, we're going upstairs for our time.
41:01
And whatever he can make of that, that's all we'll say to him.
41:05
But he still knows that this is the sacred time for us that is helping our relationship stay strong.
41:10
So it's not giving him any details other than, hey, we're going to go take this
41:15
special time. And this time is an adult time that we're doing something to keep
41:19
our relationship strong.
41:21
So they don't have to know the details. They're too young to still know that,
41:24
hey, the special time is being had and this is adult time to do whatever it
41:29
is to keep things strong.
41:31
Yeah. And I think that's important, the boundary, to set that boundary right away.
41:35
I think it's important too, it also reflects for them when they want time by
41:40
themselves, they will feel comfortable being like, I'm taking my time.
41:44
So these are some questions that listeners have asked, that I wanted to ask you.
41:49
Is there usually one partner that is more of a quote unquote problem than another?
41:55
It's such a good question. I think it depends upon how you define problem.
42:02
So what are we actually calling a problem?
42:05
Now, in a situation like where we're talking about communication,
42:10
we could have somebody that's much more like secure in their communication and
42:14
has more skills develop than somebody else.
42:17
In that scenario, we could say maybe, and I'm using air quotes for anybody that's
42:21
listening to the audio, maybe one person is a more of a problem than the other.
42:26
But in general, I find that this tends to be a couple issue,
42:31
that there's something that each person can be doing to improve.
42:36
And for one partner, it might be, oh, one partner is a better communicator at this.
42:41
And maybe the other partner knows their own body and knows what their turn-ons
42:46
and turn-offs are and can communicate that one aspect better.
42:51
I definitely see this as more commonly a couple problem, but it can look different
42:56
for each individual. And one person might be, say, more of a quote-unquote problem
43:01
in one area versus somebody else in another. Yeah.
43:05
Who is usually the partner that suggests therapy?
43:09
Like males or females? Yeah, males or females. For this situation,
43:12
we're talking about mostly male-female relationships.
43:15
That's such a good question. I've never done a survey on that,
43:19
so I don't want to answer anything incorrectly.
43:22
Yeah. I don't truly know if there's more of a female tendency or male tendency
43:26
there, but I'm going to see if there's any surveys out there.
43:28
Yeah, let me know if there is.
43:31
I will. How often do you find yourself suggesting a single therapy session versus a partner?
43:39
I would say it depends upon the uniqueness of the situation.
43:45
Okay. So 50-50 probably is what I would say if I was to guess.
43:49
Again, I've never taken that official stat. So why that is a guess is because
43:53
I've never actually pulled that stat.
43:55
But there are definite times where it's like, oh, the biggest thing is for somebody
44:00
to, say, work with a sex therapist and have the support to learn their own body
44:05
and build up their confidence.
44:07
There's definitely times where it's like time to explore that as an individual
44:10
because we do tend to go into these conversations easier if we have a sense
44:17
of what our own wants and desires are.
44:19
It also really depends upon where the health of the relationship is.
44:24
If there truly is a foundation that is really strong and that people feel really
44:30
safe, then it tends to be something that people can work through together.
44:34
And I do know that when I was working with a therapist at one point as an individual,
44:40
this was after I went through a breakup, and.
44:42
I was having a lot of triggers and traumas and things coming up from this previous
44:47
relationship, and I was ready to start dating again, but I didn't feel like I had healed yet.
44:53
And so I talked to this therapist about this, and I said, I can't start dating
44:56
again until I heal all my past.
44:58
And she's, no, Diane, you need to.
45:01
Anything that happens needs to be healed in relationship.
45:06
Relationship and so that's another thing I've realized in
45:09
like working with with a really with a partner that's
45:12
there and really provides a level of safety if
45:15
you feel safe in your relationship then oftentimes these
45:18
things are better healed in the context of going through them as a couple and
45:24
learning together it's about bringing being closer and that's the objective
45:29
you're really going for it it probably is best to go through that as a couple
45:33
where I think that individual comes in is learning one's own body,
45:38
or if we're not feeling safe in the relationship around, okay,
45:42
getting support with how to get that safety back,
45:45
that's where some of that individual counseling can be helpful. Yeah.
45:50
Okay. Porn. Yeah.
45:53
At what point does porn become a crutch rather than a catalyst.
46:00
Oh, it's porn is such a fun conversation.
46:03
I think one of the biggest things with porn is people don't understand oftentimes that it's fantasy.
46:12
Right? This whole thing. And I really love the show. Anybody that's seen the
46:17
show Suits, it's a lawyer show. I love lawyer shows.
46:20
Such a good show. It's such a good show. And there's this one scene though that
46:23
just drives me nuts because these two characters, They're like getting it on
46:28
for the first time and they're in the library and they like rip each other's clothes off.
46:32
And like in two seconds, he's penetrating her and she's having the best time
46:37
of her life. And it's five minutes and her mind is blown.
46:40
And that's like a scene from porn, right? It's, oh, my gosh,
46:44
I see this heart-erect penis. And all
46:47
of a sudden, I'm like responding and everything in my body is turned on.
46:52
And that's just fantasy, right? It's like watching a Marvel movie,
46:56
and I'm going to butcher this because I'm still getting schooled from the kids
47:00
who's a DC character versus Marvel, but it's like watching a Marvel movie and
47:05
thinking like Superman.
47:06
I can't remember if he's Marvel or not. He's DC. He's DC. Thank you.
47:09
Okay. Thank you. I'm still learning this. I'm still a Marvel junkie over here.
47:15
Okay, so I'm going to use DC then. Okay, because I use this example.
47:19
So thank you for that. Yeah.
47:21
So it's like watching some sort of DC movie and seeing Superman and being like, oh, I can fly.
47:26
It's literally like watching porn is really similar to that.
47:29
Because when we see these examples of lovemaking and passion,
47:35
and then we're like, as men, then men oftentimes approach women,
47:39
and they think oftentimes like, oh my gosh, I'm erect.
47:42
This is going to turn her on. and like she's ready to go.
47:46
And there's almost this pressure around, if I do this and this,
47:49
she's supposed to love me or love the pleasure and love all this.
47:53
And there's this pressure then from women that they're supposed to orgasm in
47:57
this way, which isn't how our bodies are made.
48:01
And so that's where a lot of women can feel orgasm pressure and feel like they're
48:05
doing it wrong or something's broken.
48:07
Point being that I think if we can look at porn as fantasy and we can separate it from the fact that,
48:15
hey, this is fun, it's hot, but it's not reality of what's a passionate lovemaking session really is.
48:23
I think that's one important point.
48:26
And then another important point is what is like the obsession that you're getting?
48:32
I've seen situations where people are very porn addicted, where they're masturbating
48:36
three times a day and they're watching porn every time. And then when it comes
48:41
to their partner, they're not really engaged with their partner.
48:45
So I think an important question to ask with this is, are you still engaged with your partner?
48:52
Is watching, is watching porn, is it making you, is it putting you in a state
48:57
where all of a sudden you're like,
48:59
oh yeah, I'm really revved up to take this energy and put it back into the relationship
49:06
with this other human that I love, right?
49:08
If it's like this rev up versus afterwards, if you're feeling anything that's
49:12
any sort of self-sabotage, if there's any guilt or anything like that associated
49:16
with it, probably is not doing you any favors.
49:19
And then if you have any sense of, oh, I'm good now. So I don't have that desire for my partner.
49:26
In that scenario, it's probably doing a disservice to you and the closeness of the relationship.
49:32
So I think we need to ask questions like that around like the impact and be
49:36
honest with ourselves in order to really determine if it's a healthy thing or a harmful thing.
49:42
Yeah. Have you followed this new romantic fantasy romance?
49:50
So there's this one author, Callie Hart, who's really popular now.
49:55
And it's how Fifty Shades was so popular when we all were. I read that book
49:59
while the kids were playing at the playground, right?
50:02
All of the moms had their Kindles at this point because no one had the actual paper book.
50:08
Because you're sitting there at the playground reading this book while your children are playing.
50:13
And you're like, nobody needs to know I'm reading this. There's this new genre
50:15
and it's a kind of fantasy.
50:18
There's like a minotaur and beasts and they're like sexy romance novels that
50:25
women are jumping on board for.
50:28
So there's definitely this desire for women to read about this.
50:32
And it's not like the Fabio romance novels that, you know, of back in the day.
50:37
It's like beasts and stuff and the fantasy of it.
50:41
Okay. I don't know her, but I will definitely be looking as soon as we get off.
50:44
Quicksilver is the first book. Okay. I haven't started reading yet because I'm
50:48
finishing Let Them, but my sister loves these books. They're such an escape.
50:52
She's read all of them. And it's a huge following now.
50:56
But I think it's such a great way of getting in the mood and getting your juices revved up again.
51:01
And, you know, another thing that people don't really understand is like desire
51:05
creates desire, like how the process of desire works in the brain,
51:09
like so many areas of the brain are in what we call like a negative feedback mechanism.
51:14
So for example, my brain says, hey, I need more thyroid hormone.
51:18
My body makes a bunch of thyroid hormone. And as my thyroid hormone goes up,
51:22
then it sends a signal back to my brain that says, okay, I'm good,
51:26
shut down the signal to produce more. So we call that negative feedback.
51:30
Desire is one of the things, oxytocin in particular is one of the things that
51:35
is on a positive feedback mechanism.
51:38
So as we start to get like more desire, and we like feel more pleasure in our
51:42
body, our brain actually sends the signal, says, I want more and I want more
51:47
and I want more and I want more.
51:49
And that's why I started saying that pleasure is not just something that we,
51:52
or pleasure is not just about desire, but something we require.
51:56
Because our brain sees that as we secrete all these pleasure hormones that do
52:01
anything from expanding our mood to lowering stress, to even building our bones,
52:06
that our brain sees how healthy they are and we get more and more desire from
52:10
anything like you're talking about, these like fantasy romance novels,
52:13
for people that are like, oh gosh, where do I start? I'm not in the mood.
52:16
It's another great idea, right, is read a book like this.
52:19
And as you start to feel those sensations in your body as they're describing
52:23
these scenes, what tends to happen in the brain is, oh, I like that.
52:27
I think I'm going to explore desire more. So it's a great tool.
52:30
Yeah, I think so too. This one's more of a serious question.
52:34
So as we get older, we are dealing with urinary incontinence while we're having sex or dryness.
52:41
There are all these things that start coming up. Are there ways to help women
52:46
who are dealing with those issues so that their sexual experience is better
52:50
and it does not – I could imagine that's very stressful to want to be intimate
52:54
with someone and you're worried that you're going to pee or – and it's not something that you guys do,
52:59
right? It's not like the golden shower. It's not wanted.
53:03
Or it's dry and it's not –,
53:05
isn't comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. We have to address these things.
53:10
And pelvic health-wise, if there's incontinence happening, there's probably
53:15
muscles in the pelvic floor that are not working.
53:18
And sometimes that is that they're not strong enough.
53:22
Sometimes it's that they're like almost too stretchy and the muscles are just
53:26
not contracting enough.
53:28
So what can happen with age, post-pregnancy is one thing, but also when our
53:33
hormones start to decline in our 30s is when they oftentimes start to decline a little bit.
53:38
So in time we get to our 40s and our mid-40s and 50s and reach like a menopause
53:43
age, those hormone levels that are really low can really lead to those ligaments
53:48
just becoming lax, meaning they're like almost just not holding that tension,
53:53
organs are not staying in place, things are not working correctly.
53:56
So we absolutely want to work on the pelvic floor muscles.
54:00
And this is something that I do talk about in my libido club,
54:03
but to give you guys a little bit of an insight here is one of the things you
54:08
read online is like kegels, kegels, kegels, kegels.
54:11
A lot of people are doing kegels incorrectly.
54:14
And so a lot of times people are just taught to hold your pee muscles or squeeze
54:18
your pee muscles, stop the urination.
54:20
And that's a start, but those are only, that maneuver is only going to activate
54:26
some of the muscles of the pelvic floor.
54:28
And the other problem is when we're holding that contraction,
54:32
we want to make sure that we're also spending time relaxing the muscle.
54:36
So if we go to the gym and work our bicep, we're not going to only hold the
54:41
barbell or the dumbbell in contraction. We're going to actually get that relaxing.
54:46
And so proper muscle and ligament use is the muscle fully contracts,
54:50
the muscle fully relaxes.
54:52
And so a lot of times people are not doing them correctly where they're not using all the muscles.
54:57
They're not doing the relaxing part.
55:00
And then a third component of it,
55:02
is we can actually use weights. I have in my shower what's called a jade egg,
55:07
which is an egg with a hole in it.
55:09
Like an egg made of jade has a hole in it. So you can put like dental floss is what I use as a string.
55:15
And then I have weights hanging from it. And then part of what I'm doing while
55:20
my conditioner is soaking in is I'm actually lifting weights from my vagina.
55:25
And so that's another thing we can do to help and support the pelvic floor.
55:29
Now, you wanna make sure a couple things. So you want to use something like
55:33
jade because of it's better from a hygienic reason. It's not going to be as
55:36
porous as other materials. So it stays clean.
55:39
And you want to buy one that has a hole all the way through so you can hang something from it.
55:44
And you can get weight so you can start with half a pound, right?
55:48
And you're just squeezing different muscles. And then there's different activities you can do too.
55:54
Because many times women can't even find these muscles, meaning like,
55:58
how do I squeeze the muscles here?
56:00
So you can do various types of exercises where you are like laying,
56:05
say, on your back and you can insert a couple fingers inside of your vagina.
56:09
And if you wiggle your feet around, like windshield wash them,
56:13
point and flex, what's going to happen is when your fingers are inserted inside
56:16
your vagina and you're wiggling your feet around, you're going to actually feel
56:21
internally these muscles move.
56:23
And if you're having a hard time being like, how do I squeeze those muscles?
56:28
Once you practice this and you're then sensing these muscles move,
56:32
what's happening is your brain is reconnecting that neurological pathway to
56:37
the muscles of your pelvic floor so your brain can start finding them so you
56:41
can even do these exercises.
56:43
That's amazing for the pelvic floor. It can even help somewhat with vaginal
56:48
dryness just because any time we improve these areas, we're improving circulation.
56:53
Dryness is not just about hormones. It's about circulation as well.
56:56
So you can get some level of improvement for vaginal dryness. And,
57:00
And then, of course, I'm a huge lube girl. You got to have a good lube.
57:03
And it's also important to remember that estriol, which is known as E3 in hormones,
57:10
it's one of our three forms of estrogen that we make.
57:13
That one is so good for vaginal lubrication. And it can work amazingly for women
57:20
to just use topically on their vulva.
57:22
It can be so healing for the tissue. It can prevent the tissue from atrophying.
57:27
And it can really help reduce that vaginal dryness as well. Oh, wow.
57:32
So interesting. The egg thing, I'm like, yes, let's lift weights.
57:37
Let's do some vagina weights. I love that. I really love that.
57:42
You know, it's like we're told to lift weights for all of our other muscles.
57:45
Yes, we are. Don't want to leave out the pelvic floor.
57:48
Yeah. I think, too, with the pelvic floor, I learned afterwards is you're not
57:52
– and you have to not just engage the vaginal muscles, but the sphincter, too.
57:57
Like you have to get that whole seat in there to really strengthen all of it,
58:02
which now makes me feel like I need to start doing them again.
58:05
Just thinking about them to bring those back. And that's what I like doing in
58:09
the shower and the conditioners.
58:10
And it's like, how can I make this efficient and just built into life?
58:14
I'm going to wait two, three minutes for my conditioner to set.
58:16
So I'm going to do a couple sets of vaginal weightlifting.
58:20
Amazing. So at the end of that, I always ask three questions.
58:23
So the first question is, what would be one piece of advice you would give to your younger self?
58:28
Speak up for what I want and what I need more. Just don't be so scary to speak up.
58:36
And also within that, from a standpoint of people that are in hetero relationships,
58:42
I don't think I understood how much the masculine has at its core this true desire to provide.
58:51
And that I'm speaking up for what I want really allows the men in my life that
58:59
want to provide amazing things,
59:02
allows them to be successful in their way that they're showing love and care too.
59:06
So I think I was like afraid in my younger days where I'm like,
59:09
it's like I'm too needy and all these other stories versus realizing like this
59:14
is actually how we're helping support men to show up for us and feel like,
59:21
hey, they're really successful about providing so many things for women.
59:26
And this is also how I can get my own needs met without expecting somebody to
59:31
just know, which I used to really expect.
59:34
Yeah. Or being resentful afterwards when they don't do it.
59:37
Correct. Even though they had no idea they were supposed to.
59:40
They just should have known.
59:42
Yeah. Yeah. I really got that one wrong for some years. We all did. I think we all did.
59:47
Do you have anything on your bucket list, something fun on your bucket list?
59:51
My bucket list. I forgot you were going to ask me this question. I did think about this.
59:55
I think in my biggest bucket list really is travel.
1:00:02
I would say snowboarding in Japan is probably one of the top things on my bucket list. The Japow.
1:00:09
Yeah, I hear so, so many amazing things. And that's the sport for me that puts me into flow state.
1:00:16
If I'm ever stuck on something like, oh, what do I want to do about this in
1:00:19
business? Or how do I handle this with this employee?
1:00:22
And I go do that sport. There's so many creative ideas that come for me.
1:00:26
Like it's always a place where I get like the most divine inspiration.
1:00:30
So I think having some sort of trip like that would really benefit me in so
1:00:34
many ways, personally, professionally, and all the things.
1:00:37
So a friend of mine, her and her husband own an inn in the mountains of Japan,
1:00:42
and you snowboard out of their inn onto the mountains.
1:00:47
So I'll send it to you. I would love this information. Yeah,
1:00:50
you're making my bucket list come true. Kate's amazing.
1:00:52
My boys, that is their bucket list item. They want to go snowboard in Japan.
1:00:58
Amazing. I get it. Amazing. I get them. So I'm going to send it to you.
1:01:01
She's awesome. It's adorable, and it's very cool. Very cool spot.
1:01:05
Thank you so much. Yeah. The last question, is there anything you've changed
1:01:08
your mind about recently? Hmm.
1:01:12
Yeah, I've changed my mind. Like I have a tendency to really overwork.
1:01:19
That's definitely has always been as like so much around childhood being brought
1:01:24
up in a way around, OK, success is really defined by how many hours you work.
1:01:29
And so I've had a lot of my career putting in 60-hour weeks.
1:01:34
And so I've been doing a lot like daily work on changing my vibe around that, around,
1:01:42
hey, I can actually have a highly impactful career working much more around
1:01:47
30-hour week that allows me time for the kids, allows me time for creative ideas.
1:01:52
And so that's what I've really been spending a lot of time around is like getting
1:01:57
into the vibe of success, high impact, really supporting the world.
1:02:03
All of these things can actually happen in a way that is more balanced and allows
1:02:08
me to create from a more feminine, relaxed way.
1:02:13
That's been a really big theme across all of these podcast episodes.
1:02:18
Interesting. the women. We're all getting to the point where we're like,
1:02:21
we can see it now. We know there needs to be a slowdown, a pause and an opening
1:02:26
for other things because you're so busy.
1:02:29
There's no space to do the other things that could come into your life.
1:02:33
Exactly. That's where the creative genius comes in. Yeah. Those just create
1:02:37
that space. Oh, I love that.
1:02:40
Diane, this has been really wonderful and I'm so grateful that the universe brought us together.
1:02:45
I think the work you're doing is so, it's so important and impactful.
1:02:51
And I think from a female standpoint, I think that we need more of it.
1:02:56
And I think we need more people who are giving us the, not only the freedom,
1:03:01
but allowing us to be this way.
1:03:04
Right. Because growing up, I don't, it was like, you couldn't talk about your
1:03:09
body. You didn't talk about,
1:03:11
body parts and what you wanted and didn't want. Now there's so much more of
1:03:15
a conversation about it that we're able to finally become who we were meant to be.
1:03:21
Yeah. Yeah. And one of the things I teach about in one of my courses is the
1:03:25
history of sexuality for women and the level of oppression, the level of women just being there,
1:03:34
you know, the thought around women just being there truly to serve the desires
1:03:38
of the man and not to actually experience their own pleasure.
1:03:42
Yes. It's like, it's no wonder it's been so confusing for so many women and
1:03:46
men too, because we weren't really taught, you know,
1:03:48
historically, if you look at it, Freud actually believed that when you reach
1:03:53
puberty as a woman, you were supposed to only be able to orgasm vaginally.
1:03:59
And if you couldn't, this meant that you were frigid. He thought that pleasure
1:04:03
was supposed to shift from the clitoris to solely to the vagina.
1:04:08
And that's what I was taught. It's just insane. That's crazy.
1:04:13
Really what your purpose was to have babies and then imagine if you weren't able to have babies.
1:04:19
Yeah. What is your purpose? What is your purpose?
1:04:22
Like, I'm so glad that's all changed. Me too. Me too. We've come a long way
1:04:28
as women over the past. Glad we live in this day and age.
1:04:30
Exactly. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. All right. Bye.
1:04:38
Thank you so much for joining me today on She's Smart. New episodes drop every Thursday.
1:04:43
Don't forget to subscribe and share. Stay cozy.