Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / What Divorce Really Means

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What Divorce Really Means · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrantry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Deliberate.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're talking all about what divorce means.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: What divorce really means and what it doesn't.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, we tell ourselves all sorts of stories about what it means to divorce, what it means to be divorced, what it means to choose divorce.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Society, our family, our broader social networks and our culture tell us stories about what divorce means.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And we tell ourselves so many stories about what ending a marriage and getting divorced means.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: We tell ourselves it means a broken home.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: We tell ourselves that it means failure, that you're a failure, you didn't try hard enough.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: If only you'd done X, Y, or Z or not done A, B or C, things would have worked out.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: We tell ourselves that divorce means less, that it means loss, that it means damage and destruction, that it means tearing things down, it means pain and suffering, financial hardship, it means negatively impacted children, that you're destroying a family, that it means there will be ongoing conflict, hating on and arguing with your ex forever and ever.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you know you're no good at partnership, relationship, or that you'll never find or be loved again, that that it means you we are somehow fundamentally flawed, that you know, if you chose this path, you are selfish and self-absorbed, or the story that you'll be alone and lonely forever.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: We tell ourselves and we are told so many stories about what divorce means.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I could go on and on and on, and I'm sure I know you will have your own stories, whether they are internal, internalized stories, or those that someone else is telling you.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But from my personal lived experience as well as having coached so many others through it, here's what I know that divorce really means.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it may be, in fact, it's probably not what you think.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Depending on your situation, depending on your outlook, depending on your mindset, depending on your ex, divorce can of course mean many, many things.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it simply means that you did your best.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You did your best with what you knew at the time, with what you had to work with, and it wasn't enough.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship in the long term.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might mean that one or both of you didn't have the willingness or the capacity to meet the other, to do what needed to be done, to meet your needs, to meet the needs of the relationship to do the work.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, let's not sugarcoat the facts.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: In many ways, divorce does mean less.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Less money, less financial security, less coming into the household.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It might mean less time with your children, it might mean less stuff, whatever stuff is important to you, maybe less holidays or less travel.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely means less companionship.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, there is less of all those things, but there is also room for more, more choice, more agency, more freedom to make your own decisions about your financial resources, how you spend your money and your time, where you invest time, energy, money, more time to parent exactly the way you want to parent your children without having to negotiate it all the time.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: More space to do what you want when you want, and to be exactly who you want to be.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, there is less, but there is also a whole lot more.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: More space, more time to just be you.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce also means growth, and you really don't have a choice in this one.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce means you are forced to grow into a version of you, a way of being you that you didn't, or a way of being, I should say, that you didn't have to when still partnered, when still married.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: It might be new skills or growing into being comfortable with your own company, doing things alone, or doing things your partner used to do for you, for the relationship, for the family.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce means growth, and it's something you really can't escape.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have a choice about.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce also means healing, and some of this you can choose, some of it you can jump over if you want to.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: But when there are wounds and those wounds keep getting poked and opened and reopened, you keep getting rewounded through ongoing conflict, cyclical arguments, it's really hard to heal those wounds.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, if you've been around and listened to a few other podcasts, I do speak about relational wounds being healed in relationship, but some can't be.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: We need the time and space from what or who is causing the wound, creating the wound, we need space to allow it to heal and then re-engage in relationship in healthier, more healed ways.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So divorce means healing, and you can choose how deep you go with your healing, or you can choose to jump over to the good stuff at the end, but know that this healing or this lack of healing, if you choose to jump over, will come back and bite you at some point in the future, more than likely.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce also means expansion.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: A bit like growth, divorce means expansion.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us morph, change, shrink to fit our relationships, or we choose parts of ourselves to bring to the relationship and parts to leave quiet, leave behind, or minimize.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: So divorce gives you the chance, the opportunity to bring all of it to expand into the fullest, most you version of you.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce also means evolution, it means change, and that change brings evolution, recreation, the chance to choose which parts to expand and grow into and which parts to leave behind, which parts are no longer aligned with the life you're creating for yourself.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it means growth, expansion, evolution.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce also means reclamation.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's about leaving behind old patterns and healing old wounds, it's about leaving old ways of being you that no longer serve you or the no longer serve the you that you're becoming.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's about reclaiming all the parts of you that did not fit into that relationship, the parts you let slide, the parts you hid away, even those shadow parts that you don't like or love quite so much, the parts you minimized or squashed down.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce means reclaiming all of those and then choosing which are aligned with the life you're moving towards.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: If the things I'm talking about in this podcast episode are resonating with you and you want to explore deeper support with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can also sign up for the wait list for my group coaching program, Decide and Thrive, so you will be first to know when I next launch that program.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce also means reflection, understanding, acceptance, self-compassion.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's about coming to understand and know yourself on a really deep level, deeper than perhaps you've ever gone with yourself before.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: What you did and what you didn't bring to the relationship, how you did and didn't show up, who you were in that relationship and who you want to be.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about reflecting with understanding, acceptance, and self-compassion.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: For many of us, it's about coming face to face with yourself truthfully, authentically, completely, and maybe for the very first time.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know it was for me, and there were parts of me that I didn't like so much and have worked on really hard, and if I'm honest, hand on heart, still working on really hard to heal and grow and evolve into a better version of myself.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: So divorce is about reflecting and coming face to face with yourself truthfully, authentically, completely, and maybe that's for the very first time.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: It is about and it does mean pulling everything apart and bringing things to the surface that you'd forgotten or minimized or buried really deeply.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's about unraveling everything you thought you knew and believed in.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's about pulling a relationship apart, yes, but it's also about pulling yourself apart with love, with self-compassion, and examining it all.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your hopes, your dreams, your thoughts, your beliefs, your conditioning, your judgments, your values, pulling it all apart, laying it bare and looking at it with fresh eyes.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be so confronting, so uncomfortable and exposing that it leaves you feeling a little bit rocky, a little bit tender and raw for a while.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay because that's where the growth is, that's where the expansion is, that's where the opportunity is, right?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's in that rawness and in that vulnerability, in the unraveling and the choosing and the reclamation and the rediscovery that you really find yourself.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: What divorce is really about, divorce is about power.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's about reclaiming your personal power, your capacity and your power to make decisions that lead you toward the life you know you want to create for yourself.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's about reclaiming or finding or creating a sense of control amidst all of the uncertainty, all of the fear.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: When the world and our own internal stories are so loudly telling us that divorce is a mark of failure, it's so important to recognize actually it's a rebellious, courageous and profound act of self-empowerment, reclaiming your power, your agency, reclaiming yourself.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose divorce or when you choose to respond to divorce in these ways, you're making a choice to honour your own needs, your desires, your boundaries, your hopes, your dreams, your values.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is a decision that says, I deserve more than what I'm currently experiencing.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you didn't choose it, you get to choose this part for yourself.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I am worth it.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am worth choosing.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is a powerful affirmation that you're not willing to settle for a life that diminishes you, diminishes your self-worth, or sacrifices your happiness, or asks that you sacrifice parts of yourself.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce can be a powerful declaration that you are reclaiming, taking control of your own story and refusing, refusing to let it be written by fear or expectation of others.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: In all the uncertainty that divorce brings, of course, you will have times where you feel lost, scared, overwhelmed, all the things.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: But this is where true power is found.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not in the absence of fear, not in the absence of the overwhelm, but in that conscious decision to continue to move forward despite the fear, despite the uncertainty, despite the overwhelm.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what's coming, you know what you're moving towards, you know the life that you want to create for yourself.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trusting yourself, trusting yourself enough to move through, to navigate the unknown, move through the uncertainty to really believe that you are capable of rebuilding and redefining your life on your terms.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is about stepping into a future that you create for yourself, that you consciously choose and create for yourself, rather than one that is dictated by a relationship or the stories that we tell ourselves about staying in a relationship that no longer serves you, that doesn't hold or see or hear or have space for you.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's about reclaiming your voice, reclaiming your choices and your sense of self.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's about digging deep and finding who you are, who you want to be, and claiming what you want for yourself.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it is about finding strength in that rawness and that vulnerability and finding courage amidst the uncertainty.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds really trite to say divorce isn't only an ending because let's face it, it is an ending.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is grief, there is sadness, even if you chose it.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not only an ending, there's also a beginning, a beginning of something different.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: It really is a chance to reclaim, and that's why this podcast is called Reclaim and Liberate.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a chance to reclaim your personal power, to trust, to build deep trust, that you have the strength, the resilience, the courage, and the capacity to create a life that truly reflects who you are, a life that lights up, sees and holds space for all of you.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And none of it's going to be easy.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not all of it is going to be easy, or without pain or grief, or sadness.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: None of it is easy by yourself.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there are links in the show notes to either book a call to discuss working with me one-on-one or to join the wait list for decide and thrive, or you get me and a tiny group of others to support, cheer, and cheer you on and guide you through.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce gets to mean what you want it to mean for yourself.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would be supported to hear this, please share it with them.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to go deeper in the support I can offer, please book a call.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about how that can look for now.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you giving yourself this time and space and spending it with me.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Until then