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Rabbi Moshe Haber Iggeret Ramban:The Heart the Mind and the Power of Speech 1.4.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Enter upon so he gets another is another.
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  Closing points After developing a person's character and telling
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  you to externally practice being a fine person, they're keeping
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  your head down and being humble. And then telling us most
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  recently to be a person who's always reflective.
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  Always reflective. What we've done in debating.
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  I could have done better, which we said last week on Sunday,
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  that although you know, people love to say the term no regrets,
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  I know you shouldn't be a very regretful person because it
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  makes makes you negative, but it's fine to have some regrets.
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  That's how you get yourself and you build yourself.
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  Constantly be reflected. And he says the person would be
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  in constant state of teshuva. That sounds like a heavy thing
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  to Shiva is when we get to the ear, no constant state of
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  development and change. When they have the right head,
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  the right character, and when they're constantly reflecting,
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  they end up always changing, always working on themselves and
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  next conversation never looks the same as last conversation
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  because they thought about the last one and so they did it
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  wrong. Now they come to the next one
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  and they're going to do it better.
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  That's what he says. And then he goes on, which seems
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  like a, you know, veering off a exit.
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  He says from there you lead to good Tifula.
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  He doesn't say it lead, but he says now let's go to good
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  Tifula. And he talks about the fact that
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  a person, when they're praying and they're praying to Hashem,
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  they should remove all things from their mind.
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  And their prayer will be a very powerful prayer, very difficult
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  to do, but it's very important. Well, how does that connect?
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  And then we'll get to the next step.
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  How does it connect? In my opinion, the connection is
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  very simple. The more a person as a reality
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  I've seen, the more a person has weak character, sensitive
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  character, constantly insulted, constantly very busy with his
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  ego and all these things. His mind becomes a much foggier
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  mind. He doesn't have the ability to
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  ever have a clear day. The more arrogant you are, you
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  don't see this to be the case because arrogant people seem to
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  make it like they're rolling. The more arrogant the president
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  is, the more their mind is extremely consumed.
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  Arrogant people's minds are very consumed.
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  Why? Because they have to keep this
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  thing going and it's very difficult and they have to
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  address 1000 things at once because they have to keep this
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  narrative going. They have to keep their ego
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  going. They have to keep their style
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  going. That's either image existing and
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  it becomes a very foggy mind. And this applies when a person
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  comes to pray, when he's coming to pray or coming to do
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  anything. He can't be clear.
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  He just can't be clear. He's so consumed.
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  I've seen this time and again, arrogant people's minds are
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  consumed. That's a Riyadh so that if he
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  loves one, then he tells a person after all this
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  development, he's telling his son.
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  The Khashoggi Hadi bull called them you should think before the
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  words come out of your mouth. Sounds like the most basic, very
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  low level piece of advice that a father should tell his son
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  definitely shouldn't be at the end of the most classic letter
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  of all time. That's that's the lesson.
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  Think before you speak such a big deal.
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  And then he says you should do this every day of your life.
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  The whole devar of the Devar think before you do anything
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  below you won't sin. Why is thinking before you speak
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  such an important lesson? How could he put at this spot at
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  the end of the letter? This is my question.
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  It makes sense to you placed here.
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  I would say this is a very, very basic point.
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  Think before you speak. Why does he have to develop our
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  character and develop our mind and develop us into nice people
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  and kind people and humble people?
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  And then tell us, think before you speak.
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  Most people don't. Right.
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  OK, fair. People can't tear a tree.
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  People can't handle the truth. It sounds like a quote from
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  somewhere, but OK. When you when you speak, it
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  comes off as the kind of person that you are.
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  I understand, but I would say tell me that step one, it's
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  reactive before you speak, right?
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  It's reactionary, but how? You don't want to ruin
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  everything else that you worked on just by saying you sound like
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  Ezekiel. Good.
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  You're 100% right. People don't do this so much.
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  People are reactionary. You can easily ruin everything
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  you have with the dealt with the silly word.
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  Oh, that's correct. How is that?
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  And this is the key point. Why does that make sense to be
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  at the end of the letter? So my humble opinion, to the
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  point we said earlier, another vein, the the way people are, if
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  their character is weak, if they are arrogant or if they're
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  obsessed, if they're very busy with themselves, it becomes
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  extremely difficult to think. Your mind is not there.
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  You're not in control even of your mind.
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  How do you think before you speak?
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  If you have a good clear mind and your mind isn't there, you
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  can be the smartest guy out there.
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  You could be the greatest creative genius out there and
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  your mind is not with you. If you're not in control of your
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  mind, you don't even get step one of thinking before you
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  speak. And how would you mind ever
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  leave us? Our mind wouldn't be here if we
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  have weak character. Everything is connected in this
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  world, and everything is connected in people.
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  People whose character are weak. There's therefore a similarity.
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  And mind is consumed. When you are consumed, when
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  you're thinking about yourself all day long, you will
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  eventually let something slip from your mouth.
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  And you shouldn't have said why, because you're just you're too
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  foggy over here, you're too busy over here, you're too obsessed
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  over here because of the weak character.
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  It's directly related. Maybe it's a cycle like this.
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  Heart, mind, mouth. If your heart, like I said, if
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  you're arrogant, if you're she be sensitive, always insulted,
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  your mind won't be there. Your mind won't be able to be in
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  control. And if any kind of time and now
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  when it comes to talk, you're going to see things he shouldn't
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  have said. He's saying yourself at the
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  fact. How did I say that?
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  Why did I say that again? I said that silly comment.
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  I couldn't just hold myself. I lost 3 hours of time because
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  of that comment. Or maybe I ruin the relationship
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  because of that comment or now I have to ask for Michaela
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  constantly or I have to, you know, feel like I'm on my hands
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  and knees and I shifted the the balance of the relationship all
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  because of a silly comment that I got noted.
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  How many you know, off color jokes that you've been around
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  that I've been there ruined conversations or ruined even
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  temporarily relationships. I've been around them so many
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  times and every time I hear one of these, I say to myself, what
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  was the guy's goal like God, God, how funny is he think he
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  is? I really really you think
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  everyone likes for sure one person in the room the the
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  recipient is going to swarm. That's clear that.
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  Is there ever, ever a time they used to say fish?
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  I'll be. Yeah.
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  Something like you're buying, you're holding it in, you're
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  holding it in. Should you let?
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  It out absolutely sure, but you have to figure out I I think you
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  definitely shoot it and you have to figure out who you talking
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  to, number one, who you talking to and also the tone how you
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  present right, Exactly, which is exactly very much if you're
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  talking to your wife all the time that you got to be able to
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  tell us certain things on your mind or other people that are
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  close to you, tell them certain things that are bother you
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  1000%. But but sometimes if that's
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  coming from the wrong place according to this frame of mind,
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  it's also going to go off the rails.
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  If your mind is not in control, nothing is worth being said at
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  all. And what makes your mind get
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  lost? Your heart, your feelings.
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  Someone insulted you, someone got you.
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  Your emotions of your heart control your mind.
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  It really is that psycho. It's heart, mind, mouth.
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  The crazy part comes from the heart and what it causes is
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  destruction all around. People say so many silly things.
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  I was in a recently in the conversation when someone had
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  something, it was going well and he said the wrong thing.
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  I'm looking at like I'm wondering why are you saying
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  this? What?
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  You're ruining the conversation. You were in the meeting and I
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  realized the reason he just couldn't control himself because
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  he was in a weird frame line because his heart is extremely
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  sensitive. It was a real frame line and he
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  said something that really wasn't affected and actually
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  destructed. How many times have you seen
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  this? A million times and he's saying
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  this up one second. These people are so smart.
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  How many people out there are super talented, very gifted and
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  when you get them on a good day, you're like, wow, if only I had
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  this guy a lot right Put you have some employees like this.
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  If I only had this person a lot this if he's always in this
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  type, forget about it. Well, what what I have to give
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  him to drink? What else?
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  Again can't to be in the zone. He's unbelievable in the zone,
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  right? I remember as a kid with certain
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  friends that you have certain one of some of these guys, they
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  were like so awesome at certain times.
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  And he's saying to himself, he's a great addition to the crew.
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  Rabbis have this in classes, as you know, all the time.
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  You have the guy who comes one time and all of a sudden he's
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  asking questions and he's telling you and he's quoting and
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  he's great and he's saying he's a what an addition.
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  Telling you. I've had this a few times and
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  I've seen in other classes he's saying he's a, what an addition.
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  Where'd this guy come from? And then you realize the
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  reality, if he just showed up today and he came from somewhere
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  else and he's 45 years old, chances are he just showed up
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  somewhere else yesterday. And this is what he does.
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  He has a funny mentality. This is just his life, right?
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  I've learned over time, I learned over time that those
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  flash in the pan, exciting individuals or exciting people,
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  exciting comments, oftentimes it's because they just have that
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  nature. They have unbelievable.
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  They're great to be around, but they're they're so all over the
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  place. And then I settled and therefore
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  it's not really worth it. You're not going to get them
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  grounded. You're not going to get them to
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  stay. They're going to be here today,
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  gone tomorrow. Just a style.
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  But again, overall, there's so many people out there that are
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  awesome. Why are they not awesome long
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  term and not awesome because they're too completely in a
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  certain sense, their heart is too crazy.
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  They go all over the place and therefore denying control of
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  their mind. If you could take every person,
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  right, every person and put them on it, put the compare one
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  person to the next. Certain people are far more
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  talented than other regular people, but they're not really
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  that valuable. Why they're not that valuable
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  because they're part of that talent comes from a craziness
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  and part of that craziness comes from a crazy heart.
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  It's just a reality I've seen over and over again.
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  So then I'm Bond is telling you, watch what you say, thinking for
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  you speak very basic, but he's really telling you that your
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  words are extremely powerful when you're thought out.
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  All of us have good enough minds.
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  We don't need to have the greatest minds of all time.
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  We have good enough minds. We all have clarity, but what we
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  end up having sometimes is these emotions.
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  The emotions are our downfall. And many of us, they get us
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  crazy. They drive us nuts.
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  How many times have you had something on your day, something
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  in the morning, right? And it got you a little off and
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  the whole day you feel funny, you're not yourself, you can't
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  say the right thing, you're not really able to be there.
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  You just feel funny or worse. How many times you have someone
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  insult you and the whole day you're just really in a bad mood
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  or you're in a bad mood and even worse, how many settings have
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  you had when someone is not really not treating you properly
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  and you end up saying the wrong thing?
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  We've been in that a million times.
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  And all those, every single one of them, if we were the advisor
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  in the room, I've told you as many times, you and I are the
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  smartest people when it comes to giving advice to others, right?
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  All of us have the capability of giving advice to other people
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  and yet to ourselves, we do things and we would question,
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  how does that make any sense? That's right there.
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  The point, how does that make any sense?
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  If I ask you advice on a certain area, forget about it, you'll be
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  able to tell me, I'll tell you how do I handle raising this key
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  or I do. It's a simple equation.
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  Gabe. A lot of energy, doesn't really
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  want to sit down. I have to sit with him.
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  I'll give you a classic example. Last night, I had to sit down
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  with my son to study with him for a test.
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  OK, He's playing with the fidget spinner and he's doing his
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  thing. And I'm saying that, and I am
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  really. After a couple of minutes, he
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  knows the Gemara. What's frustrating?
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  He knows it. He literally knows it cold.
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  The only issue is I just need to study with him one time.
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  All right, I'm sitting there. I'm trying.
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  Listen to your speakers. Listen to your speakers.
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  Just hold on, All right? Don't get there.
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  And after a while, I said to him, I said, come on.
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  I said, I have time. I have.
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  You know, my time is valuable. What are you doing?
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  He says to me. And I'm thinking to myself as
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  the words came out of my mouth, I'm thinking to myself, keep
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  kidding. But the truth is, I'm sitting
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  there and my art is telling me. I'm telling you real emotion.
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  My art is telling me, Yeah, but it's disrespect.
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  It's not proper. He's playing with his Fisher
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  spinners. It's true in general.
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  You shouldn't, you know, you know, get really that mad or get
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  that frustrated, but it's not respectful to him, you know, a
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  child not treating his parent respect.
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  This is going to my mind the moment the words came out of my
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  mouth when I said, come on, I have.
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  I mean, my time is valuable. 2 Things came in my face, in my
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  mind. 1 He hated to me. He sit down one second.
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  He had a whole Shabbat. In other words, you just spoke
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  four times. You spent the whole Shabbat
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  talking to other people or whatever and chul, all you spend
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  pretty much is fry night table with the family.
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  That's pretty much what you did, right?
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  So he didn't say it that way, but I understood even though he
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  meant it or not. Relax.
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  Part 1 and Part 2 and that last night before and after my little
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  studying with my son, I was on the phone with people for hours
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  for different things. So one second he can't give me
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  20 minutes. And I knew this and I felt it
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  and I and the second after I let it out and then get up and I
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  say, you know, I'm going to walk up and down.
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  I'm going to walk up and down. You just study yourself.
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  I'm welcome. And dad, I'll come back.
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  There's should have had a candy like from the basket and the
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  bed. Exactly.
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  And it worked. Eventually it worked.
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  But the moment the words came out of my mouth was the moment I
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  said to myself, there's too much emotion there, right?
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  And it happens to US time and again.
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  What's my point? If I would have came to you and
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  said, Jose, give me advice, what should I do?
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  I'm studying with my son, but it's frustrating because he's
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  playing the what should I do? What would you tell me to do?
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  Get up, come back the basics. Or you'd say, you know, let him
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  study himself and then test him. You come up with an angle,
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  whatever it is, you come up with an angle, clip down.
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  I asked you for an angle. But I would give myself the same
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  angle. But in the moment, I was out.
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  In the moment, I wasn't there. And the goal of this letter and
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  the goal of life is to get to a point.
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  And by the way, like everything else, it's not, you know, you
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  reach a plateau and you're good. It's never that when it comes to
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  real character, real people, every day you face this.
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  Again, the goal is to be able to tell yourself time and again, my
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  mind is in control. I have a very clear mind because
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  I have a good upbringing, have a good community.
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  I know a lot of Torah. I have a very clear sexual, I'm
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  good. I mean, my mind is in complete
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  control. And then whenever these
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  situations hit, you have a response to have a way of
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  thinking. And you never go down this road
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  because again, the reality is, and this is something I'm seeing
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  over again, some great people, or at least very talented
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  people, their minds are consumed.
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  And the, you know, they say you're using only a couple
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  percent of your mind, whatever they say.
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  If you look in the brain and a couple percentage of your mind,
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  these people, many people you know, are using a couple of
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  percent of those couple of percent because they're so
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  consumed. And what's consuming them?
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  Their heart, what someone else is doing, what someone else is
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  saying, what the emotion someone said to me, and they're not
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  allowing themselves to think clearly.
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  And because of that, they're not producing even 10% of what they
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  can produce. You and I want to be 100%
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  productivity. We want to be the most
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  productive people around. How can you be a productive
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  person when you're a person whose mind is in control?
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  Has that happened? When you push the emotions aside
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  a little bit and you allow your mind to be there, it doesn't
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  mean you don't. Not a lot of have emotions
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  doesn't mean that and you have to express them and deal with
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  them and address them and all that beautiful stuff, but do not
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  allow it to consume you. If it is, then we're doing
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  something wrong and we have to figure out a way to switch it
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  because our mind, if it's consumed, it's very weak.
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  And if it's clear, it's unbelievably powerful.
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  And the result is a different result than the words that we
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  say and the way we deal with other people, both in our
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  family, our home, with our kids, homework and every scenario that
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  we have. If your mind is good because you
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  have your heart at Bay, your words are going to be beautiful
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  and your production words represents everything you
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  produce are also going to be equally as beautiful, kind of so
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  all stop. We also have to work on
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  ourselves because as far as sensitivity, some people are
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  extremely sensitive and a guy may say something to you, to a
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  person and he didn't mean it as an insult, but you take it that
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  way, so we have to. Work on that.
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  It's the same heart 100%. People are extremely sensitive.
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  People are very emotional. They're looking for a reason.
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  By the way, if you go deeper, not to be a psychologist, if you
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  go deeper, a lot of times people who are sensitive like that,
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  it's because they're very insecure and because every every
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  line that's coming, they take every line that's going in front
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  of them. The dog are being shot over
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  there and some other year like you're being shot.
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  To me, that's just their insecurities and people have to
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  maybe build up their conference a little bit sometimes to be
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  able to handle things, to have a more healthy emotion, to then be
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  able to have that clear mind that leads to a clear mouth.
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  Go ahead. Bye.
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  Bye. How do you deal with a personal
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  people that live their life this way with emotion?
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  So everybody in here, we're trying to better yourself by not
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  having the emotion. You're learning to do it.
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  There's other people that just don't care.
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  That's how they that's what gets them going.
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  Yeah, drama and the emotion keep them alive.
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  That's true. And the truth is, I just tell
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  you another psychology, psychological angle.
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  You're hard to say, right? I think another psychological
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  angle on that same point that I've seen is that these people,
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  when they are emotional, when they're emotional, they're
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  working at 100. I said they're 10% in a certain
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  sense, there are 500%. When they're emotional, they're
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  creative, they're strong, they have ideas, they're going at it.
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  It's all destructive. It's all destructive.
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  They don't think so. It's all destructive ideas, even
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  if they think it's productive. Certain people, when they're
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  emotional, it's like they had a drink.
• 18:36
  What does that mean? It means they're flying and then
• 18:39
  they saw and they get them charged up and they come up with
• 18:41
  creative ideas. But all these ideas are not
• 18:44
  coming from a genuine place. How do you deal with such
• 18:47
  people? In my humble opinion, people
• 18:49
  have been in honestly, no other really.
• 18:52
  While they're in that zone, you have to a little bit ignore
• 18:55
  them. You have to keep away from them
• 18:57
  that keep away as a void, but do not really will not really
• 19:01
  accept every anything that they say during that zone because
• 19:04
  it's coming from a funny place. Don't care about anything that
• 19:07
  they say, don't care about their obsessions, don't follow their
• 19:11
  own roads of craziness. Just keep away because there's a
• 19:15
  beautiful world out there. Life is a beautiful place for
• 19:18
  healthy minded people and life is such a destructive place for
• 19:22
  these kinds of emotional people and you can't deal with them.
• 19:25
  You talk to them again, it's the same thing.
• 19:27
  Those people oftentimes are so much fun.
• 19:30
  A lot of times heavily emotional people are so much fun, but it's
• 19:34
  destructive fun. It's not worth it.
• 19:36
  You have to avoid them as I mean, if they're part of your
• 19:38
  family, you avoid them like crazy, but you don't go down
• 19:41
  their roads. You don't sit there with a 2
• 19:43
  hour schmooze of their craziness that's going the wrong way.
• 19:47
  You allow them to be. You keep them on bait and
• 19:50
  usually they learn themselves and it's not working.
• 19:53
  This is a psychological approach that they do all the time.
• 19:55
  When someone has a little craziness, you let them bang
• 19:58
  themselves against the wall. Don't feed into it because you
• 20:00
  have health and they don't, and all they going to do if you get
• 20:04
  involved is take you down with them.
• 20:05
  That's the reality that I have seen time and again.
• 20:08
  So let that person who's crazy, who has an obsession, who's
• 20:11
  extremely emotional, let them express it, maybe even give them
• 20:15
  an ear, but do not. You listen, but don't hear.
• 20:18
  Listen to what they have to say. Don't absorb it.
• 20:21
  Because you finished your conversation and they sound so
• 20:24
  right in the sense. Then a little while later you
• 20:26
  say, you know, it keeps coming from the same people.
• 20:28
  Drama keeps coming from the same people over and over and over
• 20:31
  again. And he says, so why is it worth
• 20:32
  it? And the answer is cut away.
• 20:34
  Let them be them and you be you and you have a beautiful life.
• 20:37
  It doesn't mean a fight. It means the opposite of the
• 20:40
  fight. You're probably the greatest
• 20:41
  source of Shalom for these people, but it does mean you
• 20:43
  don't go down their emotional Rd.
• 20:46
  Why? Because it leads to no proper
• 20:49
  speech, at least just to destruction.
• 20:51
  These people start with this.