Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / I Met Jesus in a Crackhouse | J.B. Ball | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen

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I Met Jesus in a Crackhouse | J.B. Ball | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:30
SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
0:37
SPEAKER_08: But she is so smart and so funny that Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
0:43
SPEAKER_08: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
0:50
SPEAKER_06: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
0:56
SPEAKER_06: I wanted to ask you this forever.
0:58
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
0:59
SPEAKER_08: Nate Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
1:03
SPEAKER_08: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
1:09
SPEAKER_04: The steep button.
1:11
unknown: Come on, come on.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: Right, sit down.
1:41
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for that.
1:42
SPEAKER_01: That was beautiful.
1:43
SPEAKER_01: That really touched my heart.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: I do appreciate it, man.
1:45
SPEAKER_01: I was telling people that I was filming my next special.
1:47
SPEAKER_01: This is my second special.
1:48
SPEAKER_01: I was telling them I was filming in Minnesota, and everybody kept asking me, like, why are you gonna go to Minnesota?
1:52
SPEAKER_01: Like, why there?
1:53
SPEAKER_01: And I said, I gotta be honest with you, man.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: Out of all the places I've been in this country, I'm not bullshitting you.
1:57
SPEAKER_01: They're probably the kindest people I've ever met in my life.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: And I really do mean that.
2:01
SPEAKER_01: I'm not pandering.
2:02
SPEAKER_01: Y'all are next level.
2:03
SPEAKER_01: You're so kind it's uncomfortable at times.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: I'm not.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: Last time I was here, I was doing a show in Minneapolis.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: A dude after the show came up and he offered to split a Viagra with me.
2:14
SPEAKER_01: I want to make this very clear.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: At no point during the show did I imply I needed a Viagra.
2:19
SPEAKER_01: You know how kind you have to be to walk up to a stranger and be like, You wanna go halves on a boner?
2:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna use the whole thing.
2:28
SPEAKER_01: I figure you can get in on it.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, I didn't know if he was like hitting on me or if he just had like a soldier's mind frame.
2:34
SPEAKER_01: Like, no man gets left behind.
2:36
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't get hard, I don't get hard.
2:40
SPEAKER_01: Weirdly, the kindest thing I've ever experienced.
2:42
SPEAKER_01: Minnesota's like the only place, like I could go anywhere else in the country, and anybody might be like, hey, how you doing?
2:47
SPEAKER_01: You doing all right?
2:48
SPEAKER_01: But Minnesota's the only place I've been to where somebody was like, hey, how's your dick doing?
2:52
SPEAKER_01: Doing all right?
2:52
SPEAKER_01: Okay, hey, keep me in the loop.
2:54
SPEAKER_01: I got you back.
2:56
SPEAKER_01: Very strange place.
2:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm very excited to be back.
2:59
SPEAKER_01: I am a proud black man.
3:00
SPEAKER_01: I want to make that very clear.
3:01
SPEAKER_01: I am unwavering in that.
3:03
SPEAKER_01: But at the same time, let's keep it real.
3:04
SPEAKER_01: I hear how I talk, I went to mixed schools, I use words like unwavering.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm just keeping it real.
3:12
SPEAKER_01: I think my perspective as a black person in this country is a really interesting one to consider.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: It's not the only one, but it's one worth considering.
3:20
SPEAKER_01: Because I grew up in the intersection between cultures my entire life.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: I grew up in mixed neighborhoods, I went to mixed schools, I played for mixed sports teams.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: I work in an industry where I work with people of every race.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: As far as I'm concerned, based on my experiences, I think we're all better together than we are apart.
3:35
SPEAKER_01: That's how I personally feel.
3:39
SPEAKER_01: I really do mean that.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: I think it's important to say that at a time like this.
3:43
SPEAKER_01: I think every race of people is better together than they are apart.
3:47
SPEAKER_01: And if you don't believe me, look at the results of every single Olympics.
3:50
SPEAKER_01: Why do you think the US wins more medals than any other country?
3:55
SPEAKER_01: We're using other people's people.
4:01
SPEAKER_01: We're cheating.
4:03
SPEAKER_01: No one holds us accountable.
4:06
SPEAKER_01: Name one other country of one race of people that can go gold in skiing and basketball.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: Nobody, it's just us.
4:13
SPEAKER_01: Don't let the racist people fool you.
4:15
SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, the biggest advantage we have in this country is that we have each other.
4:19
SPEAKER_01: That is real.
4:20
SPEAKER_01: Every time you take time to love somebody who doesn't look like you, the other countries are going, fuck, they're figuring it out.
4:28
SPEAKER_01: That's why I love the diversity in this country.
4:30
SPEAKER_01: It's my favorite thing.
4:31
SPEAKER_01: Every time the Olympics come up, we're like a dude who's got the right Pokemon for every situation.
4:37
SPEAKER_01: That's how I see it, man.
4:38
SPEAKER_01: And we're cocky as hell about it, too.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: We'll talk trash to anybody.
4:41
SPEAKER_01: What you want to do?
4:42
SPEAKER_01: What you trying to do?
4:43
SPEAKER_01: Women's hundred-meter dash, shh, black girl, I choose you.
4:51
SPEAKER_01: Shikari Richardson just pops out that thing running like an anime character.
4:55
SPEAKER_01: Just what you trying to do?
5:01
SPEAKER_01: What you want to do?
5:02
SPEAKER_01: Men's freestyle swimming?
5:04
SPEAKER_01: Say hello to my little white boy.
5:08
unknown: Right?
5:08
SPEAKER_01: Michael Phelps just pops out that thing.
5:10
SPEAKER_03: Just know, you know.
5:25
SPEAKER_01: What you trying to do?
5:26
SPEAKER_01: What you want to do?
5:27
SPEAKER_01: Rowing?
5:28
SPEAKER_01: You think we ain't got Cubans?
5:29
SPEAKER_01: Yo, Florida.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: How do you think they got here?
5:37
SPEAKER_01: You mark my words.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: I'm calling it right now.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: In four years, we're gonna have Mexicans competing in the high jump.
5:51
SPEAKER_01: They're gonna be so good, too.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, as much as we've been training them, oh, they're gonna be unstoppable.
5:57
SPEAKER_01: As soon as they figure out how to stop tunneling under it, oh my god, they're gonna be so good.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: And every one of y'all that's been calling them illegals, as soon as they come home with a gold medal, you're gonna be like, my brother, my brother, we did it.
6:13
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I do think I'm on to something.
6:15
SPEAKER_01: I'm just fucking around to make the point, but I do think everybody's better together than they are apart.
6:18
SPEAKER_01: I think the diversity in this country is one of the dopest things about this place.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: Did you see the story a couple years ago?
6:23
SPEAKER_01: This is real.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: A couple years ago, there was a competition of mathletes, international competition, and team USA's mathletes actually defeated China's team of mathletes.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: And when they showed a picture of Team USA holding the American flag, sporting their gold medals around their necks, every single one of them was Chinese.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: Look it up, real story.
6:53
SPEAKER_01: How are you gonna beat us when your biggest obstacle is in the mirror?
6:58
SPEAKER_01: Listen, this is all I'm saying.
7:00
SPEAKER_01: I don't give a shit what race you are.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna try to love you regardless.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: I do care how stupid you are.
7:04
SPEAKER_01: Now, that is an issue that I don't know how else to address.
7:08
SPEAKER_01: That is a love that has limits.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: You ever met somebody so dumb you're just like, yeah, I don't think we can help this one.
7:13
SPEAKER_01: This is let's take them to the forest, man.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: Just let nature take its course.
7:19
SPEAKER_01: I saw a story earlier this year.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: Did y'all see this?
7:21
SPEAKER_01: There was a dude in Texas.
7:22
SPEAKER_01: Great start.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: There's a dude in Texas who tried to shoot a firework off the top of his head for the 4th of July.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: It exploded into his skull as it should have.
7:36
SPEAKER_01: I want to make that so clear where I stand on this issue.
7:40
SPEAKER_01: I'm on team.
7:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what happens next, you dumbass.
7:44
SPEAKER_01: Can I just throw this out there?
7:45
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know it was possible for somebody to be that dumb.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: Not that dumb.
7:49
SPEAKER_01: And I grew up in Florida.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: I want to make that very clear.
7:52
SPEAKER_01: The kinds of things I've seen.
7:54
SPEAKER_01: You wanna hear a great Florida story?
7:55
SPEAKER_01: When I was a kid, I was 12.
7:56
SPEAKER_01: I go over to my best friend's house, we're playing in his front yard.
7:59
SPEAKER_01: Across the street, we're looking at his neighbor, grown man.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: I watched this dude pepper spray himself, trying to figure out if there was more in the can.
8:07
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God, a grown man I saw do that.
8:09
SPEAKER_01: I just want to make this very clear.
8:10
SPEAKER_01: That is a voter, and his vote counts the same as yours.
8:13
SPEAKER_01: I just want to make sure you know that.
8:15
SPEAKER_01: I watched him look that thing down the barrel, and he took a shot straight to the eye like an OnlyFans model.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: Bum! There was a subscribe button under him, I couldn't have hit it faster.
8:26
SPEAKER_01: More of this.
8:29
SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying I didn't know it was possible for people to be dumb like that, though.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: This dude lights a firework off top of his head.
8:34
SPEAKER_01: True story.
8:35
SPEAKER_01: It explodes into his skull.
8:36
SPEAKER_01: I read this article, and I know the point of the article is I'm supposed to feel bad for him.
8:41
SPEAKER_01: And all I'm saying is I'm struggling.
8:45
SPEAKER_01: It's just too hard, it's too dumb a way to get hurt.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
8:49
SPEAKER_01: Don't you just know deep down in your gut he went Merica right before he lit that motherfucker.
8:53
SPEAKER_01: Don't you just know he said that?
8:56
SPEAKER_01: You don't even gotta check.
8:57
SPEAKER_01: Don't you just know?
8:58
SPEAKER_01: As sure as I am that Nick Cannon doesn't wear condoms.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: I am sure that that dude said that thing.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: Can I just throw this out there?
9:07
SPEAKER_01: I really do think I'm on something here.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: The term Merica, let's talk about it.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: If you don't know, the term Murica is supposed to mean having pride in country.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Is it just me, or is it any time I see somebody go, Merica, they then do something I'm not proud of as an American.
9:28
SPEAKER_01: You ever notice that?
9:30
SPEAKER_01: Every time they're like trying to jet ski through a hurricane or some shit.
9:33
SPEAKER_01: Or they're like trying to jump over a campfire, but they trip into it.
9:37
SPEAKER_01: Every time somebody goes, Merca, you know what I think they mean to say?
9:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is Jackass.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: Every time.
9:52
SPEAKER_01: Every time somebody goes Merica, I'm like, oh, he's about to get hit in the balls or some shit, man.
9:57
SPEAKER_01: I got a theory, and listen, I think this joke would work better if there were more black people in the room, but let's see what the fuck happens.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: I just want to be honest about that.
10:04
SPEAKER_01: I think the term Merica is to white people what the term world star is to black people.
10:10
SPEAKER_01: I think it means the exact same thing.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: I think if any of us hear somebody shout either of those words out, we all think the same thing.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: We just go get your camera phone out.
10:20
SPEAKER_01: About to make a memory.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: I think it's so weird to shout Merica.
10:26
SPEAKER_01: And I'm not saying I have a lack of pride in this country.
10:28
SPEAKER_01: I love this country, but I do think that is an objectively stupid thing to do.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: To go, Merica.
10:33
SPEAKER_01: I just think it's dumb.
10:34
SPEAKER_01: Do you think anybody in any other country does that?
10:37
SPEAKER_01: I don't.
10:37
SPEAKER_01: I think it's just us.
10:38
SPEAKER_01: I think we're fucking idiots.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: I really do.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: Do you think anybody else shotguns a beard, does a backflip, lands?
10:44
SPEAKER_01: Rwanda, do you think?
10:45
SPEAKER_01: Because I don't.
10:47
SPEAKER_01: I don't think so, man.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: You think anybody else shakes out their mullet, throws some shades on, and takes a two by four to the dong?
10:54
SPEAKER_01: Ugh, Cambodia.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: I don't think so, man.
10:59
SPEAKER_01: This is all I'm saying.
11:01
SPEAKER_01: I'm not even saying stop saying it.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: I'm not even saying stop saying it.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, can you pick a better time?
11:07
SPEAKER_01: What a fair compromise.
11:09
SPEAKER_01: No, just say it when it makes us look good.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: Stop saying it when it makes us look like some dumbasses.
11:14
SPEAKER_01: That's all I'm asking for.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: Say it when we win a gold medal, not when you butt jug a white claw.
11:18
SPEAKER_01: How am I supposed to find pride in that moment?
11:22
SPEAKER_01: Who heard butt jug and felt patriotic?
11:26
SPEAKER_01: That's all I'm saying.
11:31
SPEAKER_01: Just pick a better time.
11:32
SPEAKER_01: I think that's such a fair compromise.
11:34
SPEAKER_01: Look, I don't know your love lives.
11:35
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to know.
11:36
SPEAKER_01: But next time any one of y'all get to have sex with somebody who's from another country, the second you make them come, just go, America, listen.
11:48
SPEAKER_01: I don't know one American who wouldn't be proud of you in that moment.
11:52
SPEAKER_01: Half of you would salute our country of the sweet land that slings the d I'm messing with you.
12:13
SPEAKER_01: Can I can I say something weird?
12:17
SPEAKER_01: I really do think we should be doing that to foreigners.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: I know that sounds weird, but I really do think I'm on to something.
12:26
SPEAKER_01: I think anytime you make a foreigner come, you should let them know where they are.
12:31
SPEAKER_01: In fact, that is my foreign policy.
12:36
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't understand who's losing in it.
12:38
SPEAKER_01: Really think this through.
12:38
SPEAKER_01: Alright, like, okay.
12:40
SPEAKER_01: They get to come.
12:42
SPEAKER_01: You get national pride.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: Who's losing?
12:46
SPEAKER_01: I really think I'm on to something.
12:48
SPEAKER_01: It's just jarring to think about, but I'm on to something.
12:50
SPEAKER_01: Listen, if I went to another country for the first time, they made me come, then told me where I was, I'd be like, this place is all right with me.
12:57
SPEAKER_01: Where'd you say we are?
12:58
SPEAKER_01: Guantanamo.
12:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I can get used to this.
13:02
SPEAKER_01: Not bad at all.
13:10
SPEAKER_01: It is so weird, and I'm not saying it's not weird for other people, but I'm just acknowledging what I know.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: It is so weird doing comedy as a black person.
13:18
SPEAKER_01: And what I'm saying here is, when I like making jokes about real things, sometimes something real will happen, and it's so polarizing to figure out how to talk about it.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: Because I know how I feel as a black person, but I'm also a comedian.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: And those two things don't always align.
13:30
SPEAKER_01: You understand what I'm saying?
13:31
SPEAKER_01: Every now and again, I'm like, how the fuck do I speak to this?
13:34
SPEAKER_01: There was a story last year, I don't know if you guys saw this.
13:36
SPEAKER_01: There was a guy who got in trouble.
13:38
SPEAKER_01: He was on a reality game show.
13:40
SPEAKER_01: And he got in trouble because he called another contestant on the show, the N-word.
13:43
SPEAKER_01: He gets kicked off the show.
13:45
SPEAKER_01: Now, the black person in me infuriated at what he said, but the comedian in me saw the clip and thought, okay, funnier than I expected it to be.
13:51
SPEAKER_01: I will admit that.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: Right?
13:54
SPEAKER_01: It's a very interesting predicament.
13:55
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't figure out how to speak to it.
13:56
SPEAKER_01: It felt like I was watching Tropic Thunder for the first time.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
14:00
SPEAKER_01: Like, you get what I'm trying to say?
14:02
SPEAKER_01: I was so ready to be mad, and then I saw it and I was like, oh fuck, it's hilarious.
14:06
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
14:08
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, what do I say?
14:10
SPEAKER_01: This is the story, if you don't know.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: Look it up when you go home.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: This is all real.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so it's a white guy who got in trouble for what he said.
14:17
SPEAKER_01: Right?
14:17
SPEAKER_01: Now, he calls the dude the n-word on national television.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: He realizes he just called the dude the n-word on national television.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: He panics.
14:28
SPEAKER_01: He tries to take it back.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:31
SPEAKER_01: I meant to say narwhal.
14:33
SPEAKER_01: What?
14:35
SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, that is a real defense a man made in front of the country.
14:39
SPEAKER_01: I meant to say narwhal.
14:43
SPEAKER_01: Who in the world has ever confused two more different things?
14:49
SPEAKER_01: Who's out here like, oh, did I say massage my feet?
14:51
SPEAKER_01: I meant I'm wanted for murder in three states.
14:53
SPEAKER_01: My bad.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: That's on me, man.
14:55
SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
14:56
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't keep up with racist slang.
14:58
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
14:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm just throwing this out here.
15:00
SPEAKER_01: First off, if you don't know, just so we're on the same page, if you don't know what a narwhal is, it's a very specific species of whale.
15:06
SPEAKER_01: If you don't know what the N-word is, no one here believes you.
15:09
SPEAKER_01: Now, let's keep it real.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: But now that we're on the same page, since when have black people been getting mistaken for whales?
15:18
SPEAKER_01: Is that a thing that I didn't know about?
15:20
SPEAKER_01: I thought we all agreed already.
15:22
SPEAKER_01: The only black sea creature in the ocean right now is the little mermaid.
15:26
SPEAKER_01: I thought we were past this.
15:33
SPEAKER_01: I just want to see who I was gonna get mad.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, I find this story to be so interesting on so many levels.
15:40
SPEAKER_06: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
15:46
SPEAKER_06: I wanted to ask you this forever.
15:48
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
15:49
SPEAKER_06: Nate Ro the bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
15:56
SPEAKER_06: I wanted to ask you this forever.
15:58
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
15:59
SPEAKER_00: Nate Ro- But here's the thing.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Here's one of my favorite parts.
16:11
SPEAKER_01: So the guy who got in trouble in the first place is a white guy.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: I think that's what we were all picturing when he said it, right?
16:15
SPEAKER_01: But the guy he called the N-word is another white guy.
16:19
SPEAKER_01: The fuck are we even doing here?
16:22
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God, look that up.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: I have never been more confused as a black person in my life.
16:28
SPEAKER_01: What am I even rooting for here?
16:30
SPEAKER_01: On one hand, I'm like, you can't say that word.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: And on the other hand, I'm like, but let's see where this goes.
16:36
SPEAKER_01: Never been here before.
16:37
SPEAKER_01: Put yourself in my shoes for a second.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: As a black person, I actually saw with my own eyes a white guy call another white guy the N-word, which is just.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: But let's keep it real.
16:50
SPEAKER_01: I have never seen someone get someone's pronouns that wrong before.
16:55
SPEAKER_01: I thought people were trying to figure out when to use they them.
16:58
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know we didn't understand.
17:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying.
17:10
SPEAKER_01: How bad is this issue, man?
17:13
SPEAKER_01: Anytime somebody goes, pronouns don't matter, I'm like, I beg to differ.
17:18
SPEAKER_01: I have seen some shit.
17:20
SPEAKER_01: You know what the story got me wondering?
17:22
SPEAKER_01: This is a question I left with.
17:23
SPEAKER_01: Sounds stupid?
17:24
SPEAKER_01: I promise you it's a worthwhile question.
17:26
SPEAKER_01: What is a narwhal really?
17:29
SPEAKER_01: Out of context, who gives a shit?
17:31
SPEAKER_01: In the context of the story, I don't think anybody gets how much that question's doing.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: It is so interesting.
17:36
SPEAKER_01: What is a narwhal really?
17:40
SPEAKER_01: If you know anything about it, yes, it is a whale.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: More specifically, it's that whale that has a horn coming out of its head.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: It's referred to as the unicorn of the sea.
17:47
SPEAKER_01: It is an animal that is so rare, so mythical, so cool.
17:54
SPEAKER_01: Most people don't even believe that it exists.
17:58
SPEAKER_01: Which, if you ask me, kind of sounds like the kind of white dude you would want to call the N-word.
18:12
SPEAKER_01: I'm just throwing it out there.
18:14
SPEAKER_01: I've got a pitch.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: Don't forget, everything I'm saying is about togetherness.
18:19
SPEAKER_01: That's the point.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: Those are the jokes I tell.
18:21
SPEAKER_01: It's about bringing people together.
18:23
SPEAKER_01: If you're uncomfortable, you're the problem.
18:27
SPEAKER_01: Here's my pitch.
18:30
SPEAKER_01: What I'm saying is I think it's time.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: It's time.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: Let's all come together.
18:37
SPEAKER_01: Every race.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: Let's put the racial bullshit aside.
18:40
SPEAKER_01: And let's make narwhal the official N-word for white people.
18:51
SPEAKER_01: That we think are cool.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: It's an important distinction, but I think it matters.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: I think this makes a lot of sense.
18:57
SPEAKER_01: If you're white and somebody calls you a narwhal, that's a badge of honor.
19:00
SPEAKER_01: Wear with Brad.
19:01
SPEAKER_01: It means you're one of the good ones.
19:03
SPEAKER_01: I like that.
19:03
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't know if y'all have ever been black before.
19:05
SPEAKER_01: I've been doing it for a while.
19:08
SPEAKER_01: Every time I have ever seen a white person get called, my first thought was, he's probably alright.
19:14
SPEAKER_01: I think it's a sign you're one of the good ones.
19:16
SPEAKER_01: Listen, this is what I'm trying to say.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: I have a dream.
19:26
SPEAKER_01: My dream is simple.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: One day I'll be in public.
19:31
SPEAKER_01: I'll see two white dudes, strangers.
19:33
SPEAKER_01: I don't know them, but they don't know each other, but they'll see each other.
19:36
SPEAKER_01: They'll lock eyes.
19:38
SPEAKER_01: They'll walk towards each other.
19:40
SPEAKER_01: They'll extend arms.
19:42
SPEAKER_01: And to each other.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: They'll go, my narwhal.
19:45
SPEAKER_01: And I'll be like, nah, that right there.
19:49
SPEAKER_01: How beautiful that was right there.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: I just want a world where everyone can feel how good that feels, you know?
19:55
SPEAKER_01: I love the idea of that.
19:56
SPEAKER_01: Take a bad thing, make a good thing out of it.
19:58
SPEAKER_01: I like the rules here, you know?
19:59
SPEAKER_01: If I call you a narwhal, if somebody white calls you a narwhal, as long as you are white, it's a good thing.
20:04
SPEAKER_01: It's a compliment.
20:05
SPEAKER_01: Wear with pride.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: You call me a narwhal, I'll punch you in your shit.
20:12
SPEAKER_01: I think those are fair rules, man.
20:16
SPEAKER_01: So check it out.
20:17
SPEAKER_01: Three days later, the story gets way worse.
20:20
SPEAKER_01: Go home and research this.
20:21
SPEAKER_01: Three days after the guy got uh kicked off the show for what he said, right?
20:24
SPEAKER_01: He goes on his own social media, he tries to explain what went wrong.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't just go away, he couldn't just take the loss.
20:29
SPEAKER_01: He goes, No, no, no, hear me out.
20:31
SPEAKER_01: It's the dumbest thing he ever could have done.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: Keep in mind when he came to the table, I can't stress this enough.
20:35
SPEAKER_01: Do not forget this.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: He had three days to think.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: This is what he came up with.
20:41
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God.
20:42
SPEAKER_01: He says, the reason I used the N-word was because I was tired.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Which begs the question.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: Any of y'all ever been so sleepy?
20:54
SPEAKER_01: You became a racist?
20:57
SPEAKER_01: Anyone ever dealt with that level of fatigue?
21:00
SPEAKER_01: I checked WebMD.
21:02
SPEAKER_01: That shit ain't on there, man.
21:03
SPEAKER_01: Anybody here ever been so exhausted?
21:05
SPEAKER_01: Kanye started making sense?
21:06
SPEAKER_01: Anybody ever found yourself in that messed up headspace?
21:11
SPEAKER_01: I'm saying objectively, what a stupid excuse for doing something racist.
21:14
SPEAKER_01: Even Roseanne blamed the sleeping pills.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: Y'all remember that story?
21:19
SPEAKER_01: You don't know.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: There was a time where Roseanne was tweeting real racist stuff, and then she blamed it on the pills.
21:23
SPEAKER_01: Even she was like, I was tired, but those pills, though.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: Could you imagine being somebody who worked for that sleeping pill company and waking up the next day to that story?
21:31
SPEAKER_01: You're going into the office, you're like, Roseanne said we made her do what?
21:34
SPEAKER_01: Oh no, no, no.
21:35
SPEAKER_01: Get me on camera.
21:36
SPEAKER_01: Hey man, it says our side effects right on the bottle, bitch.
21:40
SPEAKER_01: We might give you a dry mouth and shit in your pants, but we don't make you tweet like Dog the Bounty Hunter, all right?
21:44
SPEAKER_01: Now that that's on you.
21:52
SPEAKER_01: I just can't get over the balls that it takes to make that defense in front of people.
21:57
SPEAKER_01: Like, actually, it's so dumb.
21:59
SPEAKER_01: I can't I can't.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Help but laugh.
22:01
SPEAKER_01: The reason I did something racist was because I was tired.
22:06
SPEAKER_01: No wonder the Klan dresses in bedsheets and pillowcases.
22:09
SPEAKER_01: I have always wondered why.
22:17
SPEAKER_01: I love that fucking joke.
22:19
SPEAKER_01: Can I tell you my favorite part of that joke real quick?
22:21
SPEAKER_01: It's looking at the people who don't laugh.
22:24
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
22:26
SPEAKER_01: In my head, I'm just going, oh yeah, they're here.
22:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, eat that shit.
22:32
SPEAKER_01: You've never looked at the clan outfit and just thought, what the fuck is that goofy thing?
22:36
SPEAKER_01: I mean, take the racism out.
22:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm talking fashion and aesthetics.
22:39
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck is that goofy ass outfit?
22:42
SPEAKER_01: I've never seen a dumber look in my life.
22:44
SPEAKER_01: Why are they dressed like that?
22:46
SPEAKER_01: Turns out it's the first fucking Snuggy.
22:47
SPEAKER_01: Who knew?
22:52
SPEAKER_01: Y'all never looked at the clan and just thought, how can someone that awful sleep at night?
22:57
SPEAKER_01: Turns out they don't.
22:59
SPEAKER_01: They can't.
23:04
SPEAKER_01: Bro, hear me out.
23:05
SPEAKER_01: I got another pitch.
23:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, I think I'm on to something.
23:09
SPEAKER_01: This is so good.
23:09
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I'm saying once again, it's time.
23:12
SPEAKER_01: It's time, y'all.
23:14
SPEAKER_01: Let's all come together.
23:15
SPEAKER_01: Every race.
23:16
SPEAKER_01: Isn't our walls a line?
23:21
SPEAKER_01: Can I tell you what feels so good about saying our walls a line?
23:24
SPEAKER_01: It feels like I'm saying Avengers a symbol.
23:27
SPEAKER_01: Feels just like that.
23:29
SPEAKER_01: Isn't our walls a line?
23:30
SPEAKER_01: Let's all come together.
23:31
SPEAKER_01: Every race, let's start a foundation.
23:33
SPEAKER_01: That's what I want to do.
23:34
SPEAKER_01: I want to start a foundation geared towards helping violently racist people.
23:39
SPEAKER_01: Finally knock that shit off by getting the sleep that they so desperately need.
23:48
SPEAKER_01: And I say we call that foundation the Night Night Clan.
23:55
SPEAKER_01: Spelled with three Ks.
23:56
SPEAKER_01: Now listen, I'm on to something.
23:58
SPEAKER_01: I'm cooking with gas.
24:00
SPEAKER_01: I know it's dangerous, but I'm so close to a good idea.
24:02
SPEAKER_01: I say we take those K's back.
24:03
SPEAKER_01: Why'd we let them keep them in the first place?
24:06
SPEAKER_01: Here at the Night Night Clan, we are committed to turning KKKs into Z Z.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: America.
24:23
SPEAKER_01: I just love the idea that next time you see somebody doing some racer shit, do your part, jump in there and be like, you need to take a nap.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: I'm an idea guy.
24:37
SPEAKER_01: That's the best way to think of me.
24:38
SPEAKER_01: I don't know how else to describe myself.
24:40
SPEAKER_01: I'm an idea guy.
24:40
SPEAKER_01: I write for other people, I write for other shows.
24:42
SPEAKER_01: I'm obsessed with trying to like come up with like funny solutions to real problems.
24:48
SPEAKER_01: It's just a really fun thing to me.
24:49
SPEAKER_01: And the reason I feel like that, my dad, when I was growing up, my dad, older black dudes from Alabama, very proud black man, he really thought it was important for me to learn about creative milestones in black history, right?
24:59
SPEAKER_01: Who was the first to do this?
25:01
SPEAKER_01: Who invented that?
25:01
SPEAKER_01: When did we lose Michael Jackson?
25:03
SPEAKER_01: Like all that shit.
25:03
SPEAKER_01: I know all of it.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: I'm well researched on all of it.
25:06
SPEAKER_01: But the reason he said it was important to learn that is he said, you need to understand that all of these people who did these great things, who were the first to do this or the first to do that, you are no different than any of them.
25:15
SPEAKER_01: They don't have anything more than you have.
25:17
SPEAKER_01: If you put your heart to it, if you put your mind to it, you have the power to make as big a mark as any of them did.
25:22
SPEAKER_01: You may not do it, but you may do it.
25:25
SPEAKER_01: Don't feel like you can't, right?
25:27
SPEAKER_01: So I remember I took that lesson and I really try to put it on other people.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: Like I really do think it's not just a black thing.
25:34
SPEAKER_01: I believe everyone should do this.
25:35
SPEAKER_01: No matter what your culture is, there is a value.
25:37
SPEAKER_01: Like research your people.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: Like look at the stuff that you're tied to.
25:40
SPEAKER_01: It's such a dope feeling to be like, holy shit, we did that?
25:42
SPEAKER_01: That's dope as fuck.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: Anyone should look up their stuff.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: Don't look up your bad stuff.
25:45
SPEAKER_01: You'll bum yourself out.
25:46
SPEAKER_01: But like look, look up your look up your good stuff.
25:48
SPEAKER_01: It's worth it.
25:49
SPEAKER_01: There's so many interesting things, right?
25:50
SPEAKER_01: Did y'all know black people invented peanut butter?
25:52
SPEAKER_01: Everybody knows that, right?
25:53
SPEAKER_01: Dude, what an insanely great product, right?
25:55
SPEAKER_01: Tastes great, kills the weak.
25:57
SPEAKER_01: Bro, I'm on board.
25:58
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm in.
25:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm in.
26:00
SPEAKER_01: Did you know we invented the traffic light?
26:02
SPEAKER_01: It's one of my favorite ones.
26:03
SPEAKER_01: We invented the traffic light.
26:04
SPEAKER_01: That's why I never run red lights.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: It's disrespectful to my people.
26:09
SPEAKER_01: Every time I see a white dude run a red light, I'm like, this nigga needs to take a nap.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: That's hey.
26:19
SPEAKER_01: Did you know we invented the super soaker?
26:21
SPEAKER_01: And the Nerf gun.
26:23
SPEAKER_01: Same guy.
26:23
SPEAKER_01: It's like he was sitting at home going, God, I wish I could just shoot everybody in this fucking house.
26:30
SPEAKER_01: He felt that way so strongly.
26:31
SPEAKER_01: He did it twice.
26:32
SPEAKER_01: He was like, water ain't enough.
26:34
SPEAKER_01: What if I could take out nine and not be liable?
26:36
SPEAKER_01: And then we got a Nerf gun.
26:38
SPEAKER_01: Here's my favorite one.
26:39
SPEAKER_01: And this is what I'm gonna tell you in advance.
26:41
SPEAKER_01: Nobody ever gets how big a deal this is.
26:43
SPEAKER_01: It is such a massive deal.
26:45
SPEAKER_01: Did you know?
26:45
SPEAKER_01: Look this up when you go home.
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Did you know that we invented the high five?
26:49
SPEAKER_01: I think that's fucking epic.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: Black people invented a high five.
26:53
SPEAKER_01: Look this up online.
26:53
SPEAKER_01: This is the story.
26:54
SPEAKER_01: All the signs point to the same story.
26:56
SPEAKER_01: 1970s, Los Angeles Dodgers, baseball game.
26:59
SPEAKER_01: Black dudes up at the plate, hits a home run, scores, comes off the field, first teammate waiting for him, another black player.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: He puts his hand up, other guy slaps it, and the world went, What the fuck was that?
27:09
SPEAKER_01: Hey! Can we do that?
27:12
SPEAKER_01: I wanna do that.
27:13
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna do that.
27:13
SPEAKER_01: And now the whole world, high fives.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: No one gets it.
27:20
SPEAKER_01: The scale of that is insane.
27:22
SPEAKER_01: Can we do a social experiment real quick?
27:24
SPEAKER_01: I really don't know what's gonna happen, but I just wanna see, like, I think this is so interesting.
27:27
SPEAKER_01: Nobody lie.
27:28
SPEAKER_01: Don't try to be funny.
27:29
SPEAKER_01: Let's see what the real answer is.
27:30
SPEAKER_01: By round of applause, how many people here have never been given a high five by another person?
27:37
SPEAKER_01: Right?
27:38
SPEAKER_01: By round of applause, how many people here have never been given an orgasm by another person?
27:54
SPEAKER_01: That's how big it is.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
28:05
SPEAKER_01: First person to give that lady an orgasm gets a high five from me, personally.
28:10
SPEAKER_01: No one should have to live like that.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: I just love the idea of that.
28:14
SPEAKER_01: I love that black people invented a high five, because anytime I see racist people, high five in my head, they're going, black people.
28:21
SPEAKER_01: This is all I'm getting at.
28:23
SPEAKER_01: I love the idea of being the first to something.
28:25
SPEAKER_01: It's just an appeal of that to me.
28:26
SPEAKER_01: But you gotta understand, it takes a level of bravery, right?
28:29
SPEAKER_01: If you have an idea and you're scared to share it, you might be like, you might be you might be doing humankind an injustice.
28:36
SPEAKER_01: You understand what I'm saying?
28:37
SPEAKER_01: You don't know that everybody wouldn't be like, that's actually a great idea.
28:40
SPEAKER_01: You don't know what's gonna stick, you don't know what's not.
28:41
SPEAKER_01: You can't be afraid to throw ideas out there.
28:43
SPEAKER_01: I'll risk it all.
28:44
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't care what anybody thinks of me.
28:45
SPEAKER_01: I'll throw out ideas all day.
28:46
SPEAKER_01: All I need is one.
28:47
SPEAKER_01: And when I die, I get to go.
28:48
SPEAKER_01: That shit was me.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: But I love the idea of pitching ideas.
28:52
SPEAKER_01: Come on, say in America to foreigners when you make them come, come on, dog.
28:56
SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: We're not gonna do it, but it's such a good idea.
28:59
SPEAKER_01: Narwhal, come on, so good.
29:01
SPEAKER_01: So good, dude.
29:02
SPEAKER_01: The night night clan, who doesn't want the night?
29:04
SPEAKER_01: Come on.
29:05
SPEAKER_01: I'm saying they're real.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: They're real ideas.
29:08
SPEAKER_01: We're not gonna do them.
29:09
SPEAKER_01: They're so fun.
29:11
SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, I'll take chances.
29:12
SPEAKER_01: I don't care if anyone doesn't like it.
29:14
SPEAKER_01: Here's one I've been sitting on for years.
29:15
SPEAKER_01: I know I'm right, no one's ever gonna do it.
29:17
SPEAKER_01: You ever seen two people in a conflict in public, but one person's being more demonstrative than the other person?
29:22
SPEAKER_01: They're being more aggressive, right?
29:23
SPEAKER_01: And you're like, they're all up in their face, hey motherfucker, blah, blah, blah.
29:26
SPEAKER_01: And you catch yourself like rooting for the other person, you're like, come on, man, stand up for yourself.
29:29
SPEAKER_01: Get the fuck in there.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, you ever seen that?
29:31
SPEAKER_01: I think I came up with a universal way for anybody to take the power back in one of those situations.
29:35
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what you do after this, that's on you, but if you do this, you will take the power back in any conflict.
29:40
SPEAKER_01: Next time somebody's in your face, like, hey, motherfucker, blah, blah, blah, just grab them by both nipples, real quick.
29:45
SPEAKER_01: Nobody is ever ready for it.
29:48
SPEAKER_01: No one's ever ready.
29:50
SPEAKER_01: It's impossible to sound tough if I hear your voice go falsetto.
29:55
SPEAKER_01: That's my theory.
29:56
SPEAKER_01: You can't do it.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: I don't care what you do.
29:58
SPEAKER_01: If you sound like tickle me elmo, I'm laughing, dog.
30:01
SPEAKER_01: If someone stuck me up at gunpoint, give me the money.
30:04
SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, come on, you gotta fix your tone before we deal with this.
30:07
SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you a story.
30:09
SPEAKER_01: You'll be able to guess when this was.
30:11
SPEAKER_01: A couple months ago, I was at the bank.
30:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm in line to see a teller.
30:15
SPEAKER_01: This is a true story, no exaggerations.
30:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm in line to see a teller.
30:18
SPEAKER_01: There's only one teller working, white woman.
30:19
SPEAKER_01: She's helping an elderly black man.
30:21
SPEAKER_01: I am next in line.
30:22
SPEAKER_01: No other tellers working, and no one's behind me in line.
30:25
SPEAKER_01: I'm eavesdropping on their conversation because that's what you do when you're next in line.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to hear anybody say that you don't.
30:30
SPEAKER_01: Every one of y'all is listening to other people's shit when you're next in line.
30:33
SPEAKER_01: It's what we do.
30:34
SPEAKER_01: I think it's when we're at our most impatient, is when we're next, you know?
30:37
SPEAKER_01: You ever been so into somebody else's conversation you can time when you're coming up?
30:40
SPEAKER_01: Like you could count it down if you need it.
30:41
SPEAKER_01: Like three, two, one.
30:43
SPEAKER_01: You ever got to one and heard them go, oh, one more thing?
30:45
SPEAKER_01: And you're like, motherfucker, hey! So we can ask two things now.
30:50
SPEAKER_01: We can do that, you start plotting their murder, you're like, we should beat him in the street.
30:56
SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, I'm eavesdropping on their conversation.
30:58
SPEAKER_01: Now listen, I couldn't hear what he said first, but what she said back was, oh, we won't be open that day, because we'll be observing Juneteenth.
31:07
SPEAKER_01: And then the black dude went, the fuck is that?
31:10
SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
31:20
SPEAKER_07: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
31:26
SPEAKER_06: I wanted to ask you this forever.
31:28
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
31:29
SPEAKER_00: Nate Ro But here's the thing.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
31:38
SPEAKER_08: But she is so smart and so funny that Monday morning I was barely alive brushing my teeth when my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
31:46
SPEAKER_04: Holy shit.
31:56
SPEAKER_01: I saw this with my own eyes.
31:59
SPEAKER_01: She goes, we won't be open on Juneteenth.
32:01
SPEAKER_01: He goes, the fuck is that?
32:03
SPEAKER_01: Her reaction?
32:04
SPEAKER_01: Priceless.
32:05
SPEAKER_01: She goes.
32:20
SPEAKER_01: What is Juneteenth?
32:23
SPEAKER_01: You know, as if to give him a new chance to be like, okay, that was fucking stupid.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: My bad, my bad.
32:27
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't take the bait at all.
32:28
SPEAKER_01: He goes, Yeah, the fuck is Juneteenth.
32:30
SPEAKER_01: He doubles down.
32:33
SPEAKER_01: She answers it.
32:34
SPEAKER_01: Which is my favorite part about her.
32:37
SPEAKER_01: That she saw all the danger in front of her and she went, I'll give it a shot.
32:42
SPEAKER_01: In my head, I was like, I will never forget who you are.
32:45
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Sharon, I'll never forget it.
32:47
SPEAKER_01: I locked it in.
32:48
SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget her, right?
32:50
SPEAKER_01: This is her answer.
32:51
SPEAKER_01: He goes, the fuck is Juneteenth.
32:52
SPEAKER_01: And she goes, It's a holiday.
33:10
SPEAKER_01: For you.
33:22
SPEAKER_01: And we'll be observing it.
33:24
SPEAKER_01: And I went bro fucking bullshit.
33:27
SPEAKER_01: I gotta keep it real.
33:29
SPEAKER_01: Give respect where respect is due.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: That is technically correct.
33:34
SPEAKER_01: Not offensive, kept her job.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: How the fuck did she pull that off on the spot?
33:39
SPEAKER_01: The story should be over right there, right?
33:43
SPEAKER_01: Bro, what this dude said back, I lost it.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: She goes, it's a holiday for you, and we'll be observing it.
33:48
SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Then why y'all niggas celebrating it?
33:51
SPEAKER_01: What?
33:54
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God, he asked that question to that situation.
33:58
SPEAKER_01: Why?
33:59
SPEAKER_01: Y'all niggas, he called a single white woman at her corporate job over the holiday that commemorates black people not having to work for free anymore.
34:12
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck am I watching?
34:14
SPEAKER_01: I remember looking around the bank like, is nobody else seeing this shit?
34:18
SPEAKER_01: This is crazy.
34:24
SPEAKER_01: So check me out.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: This is real.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: And I want to make this really clear.
34:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm not trying to make anybody uncomfortable.
34:28
SPEAKER_01: That's not the point of this.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: No one here is the villain.
34:30
SPEAKER_01: I'm saying objectively, what an interesting thing to think about.
34:33
SPEAKER_01: So she says, we won't be open on Juneteenth.
34:36
SPEAKER_01: He goes, why y'all niggas celebrating it?
34:38
SPEAKER_01: And my question is, is he making a good point?
34:45
SPEAKER_01: I never thought about that until he said that.
34:48
SPEAKER_01: Why are white people taking off work on Juneteenth?
34:53
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I'm not saying white people don't deserve days off.
34:56
SPEAKER_01: Take them off.
34:56
SPEAKER_01: But is this the one?
34:59
SPEAKER_01: It's kind of the opposite of the way to celebrate the holiday, no?
35:03
SPEAKER_01: Listen, if you don't know what Juneteenth is, I'll make it super simple.
35:05
SPEAKER_01: Juneteenth commemorates the last official day of slavery.
35:09
SPEAKER_01: But here's the trick slavery was over two years before that.
35:12
SPEAKER_01: It's that news traveled so slow back then.
35:15
SPEAKER_01: People in Texas were just figuring out, like, get the fuck out of here.
35:19
SPEAKER_01: They won.
35:21
SPEAKER_01: Oh, shit.
35:22
SPEAKER_01: I've been making him work for two extra.
35:23
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I need to take a nap.
35:25
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
35:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh boy.
35:34
SPEAKER_01: Here's my theory here, right?
35:36
SPEAKER_01: And I think this is something as all Americans, I think we can all identify with.
35:39
SPEAKER_01: I think it's sad that most Americans don't actually know what most holidays are for.
35:42
SPEAKER_01: It's not just Juneteenth.
35:43
SPEAKER_01: Memorial Day, Valentine's Day, well, you probably know Valentine's Day, but like Labor Day, you know what I mean?
35:47
SPEAKER_01: President's Day.
35:48
SPEAKER_01: If you poll enough people, they can't actually explain what those days are about.
35:52
SPEAKER_01: And it's supposed to be a day about like respecting or memorializing or whatever relative to that thing.
35:57
SPEAKER_01: It's kind of sad, right?
35:58
SPEAKER_01: So I'm just saying, if we want to celebrate these right, here's my theory, right?
36:02
SPEAKER_01: If you're Christian, you don't celebrate the Jewish holidays, right?
36:05
SPEAKER_01: If you're not Chinese, you don't celebrate the Chinese New Year.
36:08
SPEAKER_01: I think if we really want to support and s and celebrate Juneteenth the correct way, the point is people need to learn what the value of black labor was and still is.
36:18
SPEAKER_01: That's the point of the holiday.
36:20
SPEAKER_01: And I think a great way for us to all do that is black people should be off work that day.
36:24
SPEAKER_01: I think that does make sense.
36:26
SPEAKER_01: But everybody should be forced to watch an NBA Finals basketball game with just the white players playing.
36:39
SPEAKER_01: I think that is a perfect way for everybody to go, oh shit, those dudes matter.
36:44
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
36:45
SPEAKER_01: Buck, I'm some worth.
36:49
SPEAKER_01: So, let's recap real quick, right?
36:52
SPEAKER_01: She says we won't be open on Juneteenth.
36:54
SPEAKER_01: He goes, why y'all niggas celebrating it?
36:55
SPEAKER_01: I feel bad for her, but he's making some points.
36:58
SPEAKER_01: I don't know who I'm rooting for.
37:00
SPEAKER_01: But there's a pivot.
37:01
SPEAKER_01: This is all real, not making up any of this.
37:03
SPEAKER_01: He starts getting too out of control.
37:05
SPEAKER_01: He starts getting really angry, like super upset.
37:07
SPEAKER_01: He's like raising his voice at her in the bank.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: It's like too much.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: He's like yelling at her, he's like demanding she explain what the fuck it is.
37:13
SPEAKER_01: He like bangs his hand on the counter.
37:14
SPEAKER_01: He literally makes a fist, he punches the glass at the bank, like too much.
37:18
SPEAKER_01: Objectively, whoever you are, I think we're all on the same page.
37:20
SPEAKER_01: He's doing too much.
37:21
SPEAKER_01: And I remember watching that.
37:23
SPEAKER_01: I have never felt more lone as a black person in my life.
37:27
SPEAKER_01: Because I remember looking around the bank to the other employees to see if anybody was gonna do something about this.
37:32
SPEAKER_01: And every single one of them was looking at me like, we feel like you have a responsibility.
37:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm not fucking that's on you, man.
37:46
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't give in the peer pressure, it's not my thing.
37:48
SPEAKER_01: But if enough people look at you like this is on you, dude, a part of your brain will go, Is this shit really on me?
37:53
SPEAKER_01: Am I supposed to?
37:54
SPEAKER_01: So he's walling out, right?
37:56
SPEAKER_01: They're looking at me like I'm Superman watching a building fall down.
37:58
SPEAKER_01: Like, nigga, that's your cue, get in there, man.
38:01
SPEAKER_01: So I have to make a decision.
38:02
SPEAKER_01: He's yelling, he's pounding his fist, he's punching the glass, he's going crazy, and I'm like, Am I gonna help this motherfucker?
38:06
SPEAKER_01: And I decide, fuck it, I'm gonna get in there.
38:08
SPEAKER_01: And I walk up to him, I grab him by the nipples, he calms down.
38:12
SPEAKER_01: That's how I know it works.
38:14
SPEAKER_01: And I explained Juneteenth to an elderly black man, something I never thought I'd have to do in my entire life, but I actually had to do that.
38:22
SPEAKER_01: So I said, So can you put yourself in her shoes for a second?
38:24
SPEAKER_01: Like, she doesn't know what she can say to you, man.
38:25
SPEAKER_01: You just got her in a tough spot.
38:26
SPEAKER_01: Can you chill?
38:28
SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Oh, alright.
38:33
SPEAKER_01: And he just walks out.
38:34
SPEAKER_01: He just leaves.
38:36
SPEAKER_01: From a hundred to zero.
38:38
SPEAKER_01: I've never seen that in my life.
38:39
SPEAKER_01: It's the first time in my life I ever told somebody to chill, and they just did.
38:44
SPEAKER_01: I've never actually seen that.
38:47
SPEAKER_01: So he leaves the bank.
38:50
SPEAKER_01: It's my turn.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: That's all I've been waiting on.
38:55
SPEAKER_01: I walk up to the teller.
38:57
SPEAKER_01: She has clearly been through something.
38:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, you just look at somebody and tell, like, she was wearing her hair down, but all of it was up.
39:03
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
39:04
SPEAKER_01: She looked like she invented a fucking DeLorean.
39:06
SPEAKER_01: Like it was bad.
39:06
SPEAKER_01: Like I was like, Jesus Christ, all right, lady.
39:08
SPEAKER_01: I walk up to her.
39:09
SPEAKER_01: You know how tellers will start the conversation, they'll go, hey, how can I help you today?
39:12
SPEAKER_01: Right?
39:12
SPEAKER_01: You know, they do that.
39:13
SPEAKER_01: I walk up, she just goes, Thank you.
39:16
SPEAKER_01: Just go, what?
39:17
SPEAKER_01: She goes, thank you.
39:18
SPEAKER_01: All right, it's all good.
39:18
SPEAKER_01: She goes, no, seriously, I didn't know what the fuck I was gonna do.
39:21
SPEAKER_01: I wasn't, I wasn't trying to be bad.
39:22
SPEAKER_01: I was trying to help him, I was trying to figure out the right way to say it, but I didn't know how to explain it, but I didn't want to be offensive.
39:26
SPEAKER_01: I was just trying to do the right thing.
39:27
SPEAKER_01: And I went, whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, dude.
39:29
SPEAKER_01: You're good.
39:29
SPEAKER_01: You're good.
39:29
SPEAKER_01: I saw the whole thing.
39:30
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I think you did a great job, personally.
39:32
SPEAKER_01: I wish more people in your position would handle it the way you did.
39:35
SPEAKER_01: I think you did a great thing.
39:36
SPEAKER_01: He tried to help.
39:37
SPEAKER_01: There was no hate in your heart, you did the best you could.
39:39
SPEAKER_01: There's no shame in that.
39:40
SPEAKER_01: And she goes, thank you.
39:43
SPEAKER_01: And I went, of course, give me some.
39:44
SPEAKER_01: And I raised my hand to give her a high five.
39:46
SPEAKER_01: Custom of my people.
39:47
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you guys know that, but put my hand up to give her a high five.
39:51
SPEAKER_01: And as soon as she puts her hand on the glass, I just slapped it.
39:54
SPEAKER_01: I went, my narwhal.
40:13
SPEAKER_01: I really do, I love this job.
40:15
SPEAKER_01: I've been doing this for 14 years.
40:16
SPEAKER_01: I love this job with all of my art.
40:18
SPEAKER_01: You know what it is?
40:19
SPEAKER_01: I love getting to travel.
40:20
SPEAKER_01: I love getting to meet people.
40:21
SPEAKER_01: I've met so many dope people that I never thought I would get to experience stuff with, right?
40:26
SPEAKER_01: I have also met so many fucking weird people, you guys.
40:30
SPEAKER_01: So many weird people.
40:32
SPEAKER_01: And by weird people, I mean Uber drivers.
40:34
SPEAKER_01: I have met so many weird ass Uber drivers, and I want to make this very clear.
40:39
SPEAKER_01: If you drive for Uber, you shouldn't be ashamed.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying that.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying I have met enough weird Uber drivers that make me go, how the fuck are they hiring for this job?
40:47
SPEAKER_01: What do they just sit you down and go, how good are you at reading social cues?
40:50
SPEAKER_01: You're autistic?
40:51
SPEAKER_01: Let's get you in a car.
40:53
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's crazy the stuff I have experienced.
40:57
SPEAKER_01: I was doing shows in Alabama once, right?
40:59
SPEAKER_01: For the money, not for the love.
41:00
SPEAKER_01: I was ready to leave.
41:02
SPEAKER_01: Just keep it real, you know?
41:04
SPEAKER_01: Go into Alabama looking like me.
41:05
SPEAKER_01: You let me know how long you want to stay.
41:07
SPEAKER_01: Fucking hated that place.
41:09
SPEAKER_01: Couldn't wait to leave.
41:10
SPEAKER_01: I order an Uber after the show.
41:11
SPEAKER_01: This woman comes to pick me up.
41:12
SPEAKER_01: True story.
41:13
SPEAKER_01: I get in her car, she's playing gospel music.
41:15
SPEAKER_01: Now listen, I ain't hating, but it's not what I prefer to hear.
41:18
SPEAKER_01: That's all I'm saying.
41:19
SPEAKER_01: I got no problem with gospel music, but if I had a choice, it's not what I would have chosen to hear.
41:24
SPEAKER_01: That's all I'm saying.
41:25
SPEAKER_01: I'm listening to the song.
41:26
SPEAKER_01: First line I hear this dude say, he goes, Jesus is in the crackhouse.
41:30
SPEAKER_01: And I went, change my mind.
41:31
SPEAKER_01: Turn this up, please.
41:35
SPEAKER_01: What are we listening to?
41:37
SPEAKER_01: It's a real song.
41:38
SPEAKER_01: Look it up.
41:38
SPEAKER_01: It's called Say His Name.
41:40
SPEAKER_01: Halfway through it, the dude just goes on up like a panic attack.
41:42
SPEAKER_01: He goes, Jesus is in the crackhouse.
41:44
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't know what y'all's relationship is with Jesus, but when I was growing up, he lived in your heart.
41:49
SPEAKER_01: When did he move?
41:55
SPEAKER_01: To the dope spot.
41:58
SPEAKER_01: You know what'll catch you really off guard about hearing the lyric Jesus is in the crackhouse in a gospel song?
42:03
SPEAKER_01: The moment where you have to accept that might be your favorite fucking lyric you've ever heard.
42:08
SPEAKER_01: That is a rough moment where you're like, I can't really think of a better one.
42:12
SPEAKER_01: Here's why I like the lyric it grows on you.
42:15
SPEAKER_01: I have never heard a lyric that grows on you.
42:18
SPEAKER_01: Every time you hear a song lyric, you either like it or you don't.
42:20
SPEAKER_01: This one makes you go, what the fuck?
42:23
SPEAKER_01: I guess it's fucking.
42:25
SPEAKER_01: It grows on you.
42:27
SPEAKER_01: It's like getting a massage from a guy, you know what I mean?
42:37
SPEAKER_01: I know what the fuck I just said.
42:41
SPEAKER_01: I meant to too.
42:42
SPEAKER_01: It's like getting a massage from a guy.
42:44
SPEAKER_01: It grows on you.
42:45
SPEAKER_01: Like, fellas, you've never gone to a masseuse, ordered a massage, the masseuse comes out, it turns out to be a guy, and you're like, I don't know, man, this might be weird.
42:54
SPEAKER_01: Then by the end of it, you're like, only Greg touches my feet.
42:56
SPEAKER_01: That was crazy.
42:58
SPEAKER_01: I'm saying it grows on you like that.
43:00
SPEAKER_01: You're like, don't judge.
43:01
SPEAKER_01: You don't know.
43:01
SPEAKER_01: Don't judge.
43:03
SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you exactly what it is about this lyric I love.
43:05
SPEAKER_01: The phrase Jesus in the crackhouse sounds like a perfect replacement for saying, Oh my God, I can't stop using it.
43:15
SPEAKER_01: Every time I see some crazy shit happen, I'm just like, Jesus in the crackhouse.
43:18
SPEAKER_01: You see this shit right here?
43:20
SPEAKER_01: Like, I can't stop doing that.
43:23
SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, next chance you get, let one out.
43:25
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be like, it feels way better than I thought, man.
43:28
SPEAKER_01: It is addicting.
43:29
SPEAKER_01: Here's what I love about it the most doesn't even have to be the crackhouse.
43:32
SPEAKER_01: As long as it's any place you don't expect to find Jesus, still works.
43:37
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have a field day.
43:38
SPEAKER_01: You can be like, Did you hear Queen Latifah's about to box Oprah Winfrey?
43:41
SPEAKER_01: And you'd be like, Jesus and a Jimmy Johns.
43:43
SPEAKER_01: You shouldn't be right now.
43:44
SPEAKER_01: Dude, it works with everything.
43:48
SPEAKER_01: So listen, I'm getting distracted.
43:49
SPEAKER_01: The point is, I heard this lyric.
43:51
SPEAKER_01: And I remember I look at my driver and I go, Did he just say Jesus is in the crack house?
43:56
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God, this chick looks back at me.
43:57
SPEAKER_01: She goes, Yeah.
44:00
SPEAKER_01: And I went, was that not weird to you?
44:06
SPEAKER_01: And she goes, and I went, how?
44:10
SPEAKER_01: And she goes, I used to be addicted to drugs.
44:13
SPEAKER_01: And I went, that's not an answer to this question.
44:16
SPEAKER_01: But now I have more questions.
44:20
SPEAKER_01: And then she says, this quote is burned into my brain.
44:23
SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget this for the rest of my life.
44:25
SPEAKER_01: She goes, I used to be addicted to drugs.
44:28
SPEAKER_01: And I learned to stop doing drugs because anytime I smoked weed that was laced, Jesus would come and visit me.
44:39
SPEAKER_01: And then I said.
45:06
SPEAKER_01: And she went, yes.
45:06
SPEAKER_01: And I went, lady, I've never done drugs.
45:08
SPEAKER_01: That's the best pitch to do drugs I've ever heard in my life.
45:12
SPEAKER_01: What are we debating right now?
45:13
SPEAKER_01: You're telling me if I did the drugs, I get to hang out with the most beloved, most desired individual that's ever existed anytime I want, on the clock?
45:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
45:21
SPEAKER_01: Give me the fucking drugs.
45:24
SPEAKER_01: If I told you, let's keep it real, if I told you that shooting up heroin would let Taylor Swift come hang out with you for 20 minutes, do you have any idea how many random white women would be tweaked out in the streets of every city in this country?
45:39
SPEAKER_01: With all due respect, there wouldn't be enough white women left to run an HR department.
45:44
SPEAKER_01: Are you considering the sheer numbers of fact if Swifties were junkies?
45:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
45:54
SPEAKER_01: Shake it off would be a song about kicking drug addiction.
45:58
SPEAKER_01: Bro, they'd be out there tapping each other's veins looking for loose ones.
46:01
SPEAKER_01: You and me, we got bad blood.
46:03
SPEAKER_01: You know the fucking song.
46:05
SPEAKER_01: They're OD'ing in some alley.
46:06
SPEAKER_01: Look what you made me do.
46:11
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, I'm fucking around too much.
46:14
SPEAKER_01: It's fine, drugs funny.
46:18
SPEAKER_01: Did y'all see that story about uh that celebrity?
46:20
SPEAKER_01: He checked himself in a rehab because he was smoking over 30 blunts a day.
46:23
SPEAKER_01: I need you to really process what the fuck I just said.
46:26
SPEAKER_01: Checked himself in the rehab because he was smoking over 30 blunts a day.
46:32
SPEAKER_01: It's only 24 hours in a day, though.
46:35
SPEAKER_01: 30 blunts a day.
46:36
SPEAKER_01: Am I the only one who thinks he doesn't need rehab?
46:38
SPEAKER_01: That dude needs better weed.
46:40
SPEAKER_01: How you not high at, dude?
46:41
SPEAKER_01: This is come on.
46:43
SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
46:44
SPEAKER_01: That doesn't even make sense to me.
46:46
SPEAKER_01: Who watches the same porno 30 times, never comes, and never thinks, maybe I'm not in the gangbangs.
46:51
SPEAKER_01: Maybe I should, maybe I should change up the genre.
47:00
SPEAKER_01: Did y'all see, this is, I'm so interested in this, right?
47:03
SPEAKER_01: Like, listen, I think, I'm not anyone who likes shames drugs, right?
47:06
SPEAKER_01: I don't really do them, but I don't really shame them.
47:08
SPEAKER_01: I'm just, I think drug culture, drugs are so influential.
47:11
SPEAKER_01: People love them so much that they don't even know how to be objective about them.
47:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm not even saying stop, but I'm saying, can you just acknowledge that that shit was crazy?
47:17
SPEAKER_01: They can't even do that.
47:19
SPEAKER_01: Like most people, like I heard a song once, this guy said this, it's an RB song, and he says this to a woman as a pickup line.
47:25
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't believe it.
47:26
SPEAKER_01: He goes, girl, I'm gonna do you like drugs tonight.
47:29
SPEAKER_01: What woman heard that and was like, You show me a woman that wants to be done like drugs, and I will show you a woman that has no idea how drugs are done.
47:42
SPEAKER_01: That is the most terrifying pickup line I have ever heard in my life.
47:46
SPEAKER_01: I'ma do you like drugs, baby.
47:48
SPEAKER_01: I'ma chop you up with a credit card.
47:49
SPEAKER_01: Do you want a toilet seat?
47:51
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying, girl?
47:52
SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah.
47:53
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be paranoid the whole time, too.
47:56
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be like, I'm coming.
47:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be like, who's coming?
47:58
SPEAKER_01: What you hear?
47:59
SPEAKER_01: You hear something?
48:00
SPEAKER_01: Fuck you here.
48:04
SPEAKER_01: I'ma do you like drugs, baby.
48:06
SPEAKER_01: I'ma do you by an open window, like an underage person.
48:08
SPEAKER_01: And if somebody walks in on me, I'ma just toss you out and be like, nothing's going on.
48:14
SPEAKER_01: I'ma do you like drugs, baby.
48:16
SPEAKER_01: I'ma roll you up tight in one, I'ma roll you up tight in paper, suck on one half of you while I light the other half on fire, girl.
48:22
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
48:24
SPEAKER_01: Then when I'm done getting the taste, I'm gonna pass you off to my boy, he's gonna take a turn.
48:30
SPEAKER_01: He's gonna pass you off to another guy, he's gonna take a turn.
48:32
SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be 15 minutes before I see you again.
48:37
SPEAKER_01: Here's my favorite one.
48:38
SPEAKER_01: No one's gonna get it.
48:39
SPEAKER_01: This is just for me.
48:39
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do you like drugs, baby.
48:41
SPEAKER_01: I'ma do you so hard.
48:42
SPEAKER_01: My friends lie to me, say we're going to a surprise party.
48:45
SPEAKER_01: Then when we get there, they lock the door behind me and start reading personal letters that they wrote about how much me doing you is negatively affecting their lives.
48:56
SPEAKER_01: I just like seeing who's been to an intervention.
49:00
SPEAKER_01: This makes me laugh.
49:04
SPEAKER_01: You guys ever had an experience where something actually happens, but it's so crazy, you're like, no one would even believe me if I told them the story.
49:14
SPEAKER_01: You ever have those?
49:15
SPEAKER_01: They happen to me all the time.
49:16
SPEAKER_01: And it's like so much worse because I am a comedian, because I just think people think I'm making it up to be funny.
49:22
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell you an insane story.
49:24
SPEAKER_01: Every ounce of this is actually true.
49:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm not exaggerating a single word of this.
49:28
SPEAKER_01: This happened.
49:29
SPEAKER_01: I'm in the airport, right?
49:30
SPEAKER_01: I'm traveling this a couple months ago.
49:31
SPEAKER_01: I'm traveling, I'm going through the airport, I am in line at a TSA checkpoint, right?
49:35
SPEAKER_01: Y'all know the body scanner, I don't know the official name for it.
49:37
SPEAKER_01: You know the body scanner where you gotta stand like this, you know what I'm talking about?
49:39
SPEAKER_01: Where you gotta stand like R.
49:40
SPEAKER_01: Kelly is on to catch a predator, you know what I mean?
49:44
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about?
49:45
SPEAKER_01: So I'm in line for that particular type of scanner.
49:48
SPEAKER_01: The line super backed up, right?
49:49
SPEAKER_01: This woman who works for the TSA, she walks by, I go, ma'am, can I ask you a question real quick?
49:53
SPEAKER_01: She goes, Yeah, what's up?
49:54
SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
49:55
SPEAKER_01: I said, Okay, look, I know that scanner's looking for weapons, but can it detect anything medical?
49:59
SPEAKER_01: And she goes, What do you mean?
50:00
SPEAKER_01: I went, listen, every time I go through one of those scanners, it flags my crotch.
50:05
SPEAKER_01: Should I be concerned?
50:08
SPEAKER_01: I have a theory that those detectors can detect more than the airport needs them to.
50:14
SPEAKER_01: But why would the airport tell you about the other shit?
50:17
SPEAKER_01: So I'm asking.
50:18
SPEAKER_01: It might be a dumb question, but I challenge any one of y'all.
50:21
SPEAKER_01: If you go through a scanner and it shows a big ass red block over your dick, I challenge you not to be concerned.
50:28
SPEAKER_01: I just want to know.
50:30
SPEAKER_01: So, this is what happens.
50:32
SPEAKER_01: This is what she says, the way she said it.
50:34
SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget that.
50:35
SPEAKER_01: She goes, okay, what's the most appropriate way to explain this to you?
50:42
SPEAKER_01: Some people are just more blessed than others.
50:50
SPEAKER_01: So when something's hanging in a place where it's typically not hanging for others, the machine flags that and goes.
51:05
SPEAKER_01: Check that out.
51:07
SPEAKER_01: That's what she said the way she said it.
51:10
SPEAKER_01: Listen.
51:11
SPEAKER_01: I went, ma'am, that might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my life.
51:18
SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me right now?
51:19
SPEAKER_01: Fellas, you ever been told your dick's so big they're worried you might take a plane down with it?
51:25
SPEAKER_01: That was new for me.
51:27
SPEAKER_01: Say what you want about artificial intelligence taking over, but that computer believed in me more than any woman I have ever been with in my life.
51:37
SPEAKER_01: I might be done fucking humans for good.
51:38
SPEAKER_01: Can I just put that out there?
51:40
SPEAKER_01: I'm on Team Robot now, it's not even a tough sell.
51:43
SPEAKER_01: Women might see it and be like, I've seen bigger, but Siri's out here, like, I can't take it all.
51:48
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, hey, this is what are we what are we doing?
51:52
SPEAKER_01: I can feel you in my motherboard.
51:54
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, I'm all up in there, girl.
51:56
SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
51:58
SPEAKER_01: So check me out.
51:59
SPEAKER_01: This is real.
52:00
SPEAKER_01: I go through the scanner, I wait my turn, I go through the scanner, I get flagged again as usual.
52:04
SPEAKER_01: There's a TSA agent waiting for me on the other side.
52:06
SPEAKER_01: It's some dude, he's got an attitude.
52:08
SPEAKER_01: I assume it's because his dick is little.
52:09
SPEAKER_01: Now, the only info I got.
52:13
SPEAKER_01: This is where it sounds made up.
52:15
SPEAKER_01: And I'm stressing this again.
52:17
SPEAKER_01: Not made up.
52:18
SPEAKER_01: This is verbatim the exchange.
52:20
SPEAKER_01: Couldn't make this up.
52:21
SPEAKER_01: It's too crazy.
52:22
SPEAKER_01: I go through the scanner, get flagged again.
52:24
SPEAKER_01: Guy comes at me with an attitude.
52:26
SPEAKER_01: He goes, Sir, do you have something in your pants?
52:30
SPEAKER_01: And I went.
52:33
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I guess, you know, I don't think it's what you're looking for.
52:39
SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Can it be harmful to others?
52:41
SPEAKER_01: And I went, hmm.
52:52
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I guess it's a choking hazard, you know.
52:54
SPEAKER_01: I just swear to God, that's what I said.
52:58
SPEAKER_01: So once in a lifetime opportunity, I was like, fuck it, say it, see what happens.
53:02
SPEAKER_01: I called it a choking hazard.
53:03
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't miss a beat.
53:04
SPEAKER_01: He just goes, You want to tell me what's in your pants?
53:06
SPEAKER_01: And I went, no, not at all.
53:08
SPEAKER_01: He goes, what's in your pants?
53:10
SPEAKER_01: And I went.
53:18
SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry.
53:27
SPEAKER_01: I said my emotional support state.
53:43
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, I want to make this very clear.
53:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm not proud of that.
53:47
SPEAKER_01: But you gotta understand, there was a kid right behind me.
53:50
SPEAKER_01: So I didn't want to say what the real thing was.
53:52
SPEAKER_01: That was the best thing I could come up with on the spot.
53:54
SPEAKER_01: I was like, emotional support snake, figure it the fuck out, man.
53:57
SPEAKER_01: So he goes, Yeah, I'm gonna need you to step over here, which is fair.
54:00
SPEAKER_01: What I said was vaguely threatening.
54:01
SPEAKER_01: I should, I should probably go.
54:03
SPEAKER_01: I step to the side.
54:04
SPEAKER_01: He lets everybody in line behind me go around.
54:06
SPEAKER_01: They start going to their bins, picking up their stuff.
54:08
SPEAKER_01: This dude's getting ready to give me a pat down.
54:10
SPEAKER_01: Now, look, I don't know if you've ever been through a pat down at the airport for your growing, but this is the way it goes down.
54:14
SPEAKER_01: This is the protocol.
54:14
SPEAKER_01: They make you stand like R.
54:15
SPEAKER_01: Kelly again, right?
54:17
SPEAKER_01: And they get in front of you and they're supposed to go pat, pat, pat, pat, pat up one leg, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat down the other leg, and they try to pretend like they didn't graze your dick for like three seconds.
54:25
SPEAKER_01: So I'm preparing for that, right?
54:27
SPEAKER_01: He puts me in position.
54:28
SPEAKER_01: He gets in front of me.
54:29
SPEAKER_01: I shit you not.
54:30
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.
54:32
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't pat pat.
54:33
SPEAKER_01: He just kneels in front of my dick.
54:37
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God, I watched the whole thing happen in slow motion.
54:40
SPEAKER_01: He's close.
54:42
SPEAKER_01: Too close.
54:43
SPEAKER_01: He's cross-eyed.
54:44
SPEAKER_01: Can I just say that?
54:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm looking at it.
54:46
SPEAKER_01: He's here.
54:48
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just staring at this, like, what the f and what am I allowed to do?
54:52
SPEAKER_01: That's not protocol, right?
54:54
SPEAKER_01: And this is what he, I swear to God, he doesn't pat, pat, pat.
54:56
SPEAKER_01: He doesn't pat pat.
54:58
SPEAKER_01: He takes the back of his hand and took my dick and balls.
55:00
SPEAKER_01: He just goes.
55:03
SPEAKER_01: He just like speed bags my balls.
55:07
SPEAKER_01: No one would believe.
55:08
SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, that's what he just boxed my balls.
55:11
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just standing there taking.
55:13
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what I can do.
55:13
SPEAKER_01: He's authority.
55:14
SPEAKER_01: What am I allowed to do?
55:15
SPEAKER_01: I'm just standing there like, is this what a ditty party's like?
55:18
SPEAKER_01: This is crazy.
55:26
SPEAKER_01: No bullshit.
55:27
SPEAKER_01: The third time he hits it, he looks up at me.
55:29
SPEAKER_01: He goes, No.
55:29
SPEAKER_01: And I went, well, don't do that.
55:32
SPEAKER_01: He stands up, he goes, I am so sorry.
55:35
SPEAKER_01: And I went, it's cool.
55:36
SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't, but I didn't know what else to say.
55:39
SPEAKER_01: He goes, You can go ahead, man.
55:41
SPEAKER_01: I go over to my bins knowing that he just got away with sexually assaulting me.
55:45
SPEAKER_01: On the clock.
55:48
SPEAKER_01: I go over to my bins, right?
55:49
SPEAKER_01: So I've got two bins.
55:50
SPEAKER_01: I have my carry-on bag and I have my book bag.
55:53
SPEAKER_01: I take my carry-on bag out.
55:55
SPEAKER_01: I take my book bag out.
55:56
SPEAKER_01: Under my book bag, there's a business card.
56:00
SPEAKER_01: I didn't put it there.
56:01
SPEAKER_01: It's face down.
56:02
SPEAKER_01: There's a handwritten letter on the back.
56:05
SPEAKER_01: Someone's phone number.
56:06
SPEAKER_01: And the phrase, nice hog.
56:11
SPEAKER_01: Swear to God, like nine eyes.
56:13
SPEAKER_01: Nice hog.
56:16
SPEAKER_01: I turn it over.
56:18
SPEAKER_01: I shit you not.
56:19
SPEAKER_01: It is a picture of the mother of the kid who is standing right behind me.
56:27
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just staring at this thing, trying to process what the fuck is going on.
56:31
SPEAKER_01: I'm just like, Jesus in the pride parade.
56:33
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
56:35
SPEAKER_01: Who the hell?
56:38
SPEAKER_01: What I'm trying to say here is that I love to travel.
56:41
SPEAKER_01: Now, aside from that one experience, I gotta be honest with you, man, the TSA might be my favorite part of traveling.
56:48
SPEAKER_01: Now that I know what they're doing, oh god, I look forward to it all the time.
56:51
SPEAKER_01: I love the TSA.
56:52
SPEAKER_01: I don't even know what those letters stand for.
56:54
SPEAKER_01: I just assume it's the size analyzers.
56:56
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what else they do.
56:58
SPEAKER_01: Have y'all researched the TSA?
57:00
SPEAKER_01: Did you know in the entire existence of that company or that organization or however you want to refer to it, they have never found a bomb?
57:07
SPEAKER_01: In the entire existence of the TSA, they have never found a single bomb.
57:14
SPEAKER_01: They find my dick every week.
57:18
SPEAKER_01: You tell me what the job is.
57:21
SPEAKER_01: This is all I'm saying.
57:22
SPEAKER_01: Before that happened, I hated having to go through a pat down.
57:26
SPEAKER_01: Because you don't want strangers touching you.
57:27
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
57:28
SPEAKER_01: You don't like it.
57:29
SPEAKER_01: But now that I know why they're doing it.
57:33
SPEAKER_01: Y'all, I dirty talk now.
57:35
SPEAKER_01: I lean all the way in, man.
57:36
SPEAKER_01: I do whatever I can.
57:37
SPEAKER_01: I lean back, I throw my leg up, I moan.
57:39
SPEAKER_01: I'm just like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
57:43
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
57:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you better protect these people.
57:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm a menace.
57:51
SPEAKER_01: You ever heard of King Kong?
57:53
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm ding dong.
57:59
SPEAKER_01: It's just an insane story.
58:01
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I want to make this very clear because I get self-conscious telling that story.
58:04
SPEAKER_01: I like telling it because it's true and it's funny and it's crazy, but I do get self-conscious that people are thinking, I'm just saying that to be like, my dick is big.
58:10
SPEAKER_01: I don't give a fuck if any of y'all think my dick is big.
58:13
SPEAKER_01: That's not what it's about.
58:14
SPEAKER_01: I don't even think my dick is big.
58:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, science says it's big.
58:18
SPEAKER_01: It's a different thing.
58:20
SPEAKER_01: Right.
58:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm getting older, as we all are.
58:29
SPEAKER_01: You know what's the thing about getting older that I've noticed?
58:31
SPEAKER_01: Doesn't bother me at all.
58:32
SPEAKER_01: As long as I was given a warning about what it is I was gonna encounter, doesn't bother me at all.
58:35
SPEAKER_01: It's only the stuff no one gave me a heads up about.
58:37
SPEAKER_01: When I encounter that stuff, I go, is that the fucking part of it?
58:39
SPEAKER_01: Like, that's when I have a panic attack.
58:41
SPEAKER_01: Anything else?
58:41
SPEAKER_01: If you told me about it, I'm cool.
58:43
SPEAKER_01: Your knees are gonna hurt.
58:44
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna see a matinee.
58:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, cool, all right, yeah.
58:47
SPEAKER_01: It's the things that no one told me about.
58:49
SPEAKER_01: This is one of the big ones.
58:50
SPEAKER_01: And listen, I'm I'm being vulnerable here.
58:52
SPEAKER_01: Laugh with me, not at me, okay?
58:54
SPEAKER_01: Because I'm being real about you know how I can tell I'm getting old?
58:56
SPEAKER_01: Anytime I want to watch internet porn, I gotta go find my eyeglasses first.
59:00
SPEAKER_01: That is that is fucking me up.
59:04
SPEAKER_01: You know how embarrassing that is to be alone in your house walking around?
59:07
SPEAKER_01: Where did I put my bi strocles?
59:09
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I just has anybody seen my big booty revenge lenses?
59:14
SPEAKER_01: I could have sworn they were where are my busted testicles spectacles?
59:18
SPEAKER_01: Didn't I leave them in where are these rim horns for rim jobs?
59:22
SPEAKER_01: I could have sworn they were on I could do these all day, by the way.
59:25
SPEAKER_01: Where are my four eyes for green pies?
59:28
SPEAKER_01: I just could have.
59:33
SPEAKER_01: Listen, I got caught the other day.
59:36
SPEAKER_01: I'm not even bullshitting you.
59:38
SPEAKER_01: I got I got caught mast.
59:39
SPEAKER_01: Has anybody here, has any man ever been caught by their spouse masturbating?
59:43
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, right?
59:46
SPEAKER_01: Bro, it is the worst.
59:49
SPEAKER_01: I would rather get caught cheating.
59:53
SPEAKER_01: It's way less embarrassing to just cheat.
59:55
SPEAKER_01: Dude, you have you ever been caught so red-handed you didn't even stop doing it?
59:59
SPEAKER_01: You're too red-handed.
1:00:01
SPEAKER_01: What's the point?
1:00:01
SPEAKER_01: How you gonna play it off?
1:00:02
SPEAKER_01: She walked in on me, I was just like a horny deer at headlights.
1:00:12
SPEAKER_01: Like, what am I gonna say at that point?
1:00:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm cleaning it.
1:00:14
SPEAKER_01: She ain't gonna come on.
1:00:15
SPEAKER_01: What am I?
1:00:16
SPEAKER_01: She's got me, you know?
1:00:18
SPEAKER_01: I never forgot that.
1:00:19
SPEAKER_01: She just goes, she just goes, You got a fucking problem, you know that?
1:00:23
SPEAKER_01: And I went, I know, I can't see it.
1:00:25
SPEAKER_01: Come here, tell me what I'm looking at.
1:00:27
SPEAKER_01: Can you just what?
1:00:28
SPEAKER_01: Is it I really don't feel like people understand like how bad my eyesight is when I say that.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_01: Like, it is bad.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_01: My eyesight is so bad.
1:00:38
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I'm watching a gay scene until I hear both their voices.
1:00:42
SPEAKER_01: That's how bad we're talking.
1:00:43
SPEAKER_01: The other day I heard, uh, uh.
1:00:45
SPEAKER_01: I said, ah you know how hard it is to click the X on a window when you can't see it and you're not looking?
1:00:50
SPEAKER_01: You're like, Jesus Christ, for the love of God, just get it off the fucking screen.
1:00:53
SPEAKER_01: He's having a panic attack.
1:00:54
SPEAKER_01: Jeez, God, fuck it.
1:00:55
SPEAKER_01: Just baby, we gotta get a new computer.
1:01:01
SPEAKER_01: That one's got a virus.
1:01:04
SPEAKER_01: Yes again.
1:01:07
SPEAKER_01: We gonna act like I didn't just slap this shit back up to standard?
1:01:09
SPEAKER_01: That was crazy.
1:01:12
SPEAKER_01: On the special, on the special, bro.
1:01:16
SPEAKER_01: Magical matter.
1:01:18
SPEAKER_01: Magical matter.
1:01:23
SPEAKER_01: Here's the real thing that bugs me about getting older, if I'm being honest.
1:01:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm curious who can relate to this.
1:01:27
SPEAKER_01: The older I've gotten, the more introspective I have become.
1:01:30
SPEAKER_01: It is so annoying.
1:01:32
SPEAKER_01: Because you're just accountable.
1:01:34
SPEAKER_01: I just want to be ignorant.
1:01:36
SPEAKER_01: It's just such a burden to be like, I should be better.
1:01:39
SPEAKER_01: It's constant.
1:01:40
SPEAKER_01: When I was younger, I've been doing this for 14 years, all right?
1:01:42
SPEAKER_01: I used to read articles every day.
1:01:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to stay up on anything I might talk about on stage.
1:01:46
SPEAKER_01: I would try to stay as informed as possible.
1:01:48
SPEAKER_01: Anytime I read an article, when I was younger, I would just accept that information.
1:01:51
SPEAKER_01: I would just go, okay, that's what that is, and I'm gonna move the fuck on.
1:01:54
SPEAKER_01: Now, the older I've gotten, no matter what I read about, no matter how much it has nothing to do with me, I will somehow learn something about who I am as a person.
1:02:03
SPEAKER_01: It is so fucking annoying to grow like that.
1:02:07
SPEAKER_01: You understand what I'm saying?
1:02:08
SPEAKER_01: This is what's really catching me.
1:02:10
SPEAKER_01: All right, I saw a story in Florida a couple months ago.
1:02:13
SPEAKER_01: It was a sniper situation that turned into a hostage situation.
1:02:16
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you guys saw this.
1:02:18
SPEAKER_01: Bank robbery.
1:02:18
SPEAKER_01: Bank robbery goes south.
1:02:20
SPEAKER_01: The guy takes a woman hostage, he has her in a headlock out in front of the bank.
1:02:23
SPEAKER_01: He's in a standoff with the police.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_01: The police are across the street, they're trying to negotiate the situation.
1:02:27
SPEAKER_01: A bunch of onlookers show up and they're trying to see what's gonna happen, right?
1:02:30
SPEAKER_01: And apparently there was a sniper somewhere.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_01: The way the story read was as soon as the guy took out a knife and he went to put it to the woman's throat, the sniper takes the shot, nails him in the head, saves her life, crisis averted.
1:02:44
SPEAKER_01: How dope is that?
1:02:45
SPEAKER_01: That that dude was able to come through in that moment, right?
1:02:48
SPEAKER_01: But the story was about how no one who was there could figure out where the shot came from.
1:02:56
SPEAKER_01: And that's when I learned that I could never be a sniper.
1:03:03
SPEAKER_01: Because if I landed a shot that clutch, that difficult from that far away, you better bet your sweet ass, you're gonna know exactly where the fuck that came from.
1:03:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm just keeping it real.
1:03:14
SPEAKER_01: I know myself.
1:03:15
SPEAKER_01: I've done laughs around a building for throwing trash away from across the room.
1:03:19
SPEAKER_01: Don't think I'm not gonna lose my mind if I save that woman's life with that shot.
1:03:23
SPEAKER_01: You kidding me?
1:03:28
SPEAKER_01: You see that shit?
1:03:30
SPEAKER_01: Boy, I'm bad.
1:03:32
SPEAKER_01: Bro, that angle of Jesus in a titty bar.
1:03:34
SPEAKER_01: That angle that was better.
1:03:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh me, baby.
1:03:42
SPEAKER_01: More like African American sniper.
1:03:46
SPEAKER_01: That's right, make a movie about me.
1:03:48
SPEAKER_01: Same shot, longer barrel.
1:03:54
SPEAKER_01: I'm just fucking around, but I'm just saying, if I took that shot, no one would be like, where did the shot come from?
1:03:59
SPEAKER_01: Everybody would have been like, you think it's that dude doing backflips on the roof up there?
1:04:02
SPEAKER_01: Or what's going on up there?
1:04:04
SPEAKER_01: Is he doing a TikTok video?
1:04:05
SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
1:04:06
SPEAKER_01: Either that dude took the shot or he just found out he's not the father, man.
1:04:09
SPEAKER_01: That is crazy.
1:04:17
SPEAKER_01: That's it for me, you guys.
1:04:18
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.