Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep1: Bill Burr: Zero Filter, Full Volume 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep1: Bill Burr: Zero Filter, Full Volume 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: This is why you can't judge comedians.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: Do you understand this?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: Do you understand what the fuck I was saying and how this fucking jackass just heard it?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: The stuff that comes out of my mouth.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's not what I said anymore.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: Goes into your fucking ear hole and gets cut with your whole fucking childhood.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: This is what he means.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: I understand what that's like.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: I live this fucking isolated life, man.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: I go on the road, I'm in green rooms, and I just fucking, you know, I'm just by myself all the time.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: You slowly go fucking crazy.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: I did a gig recently, I was in Ireland, and I was in the green room by myself, and I went to turn on the light.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: It was one of those pole switches, and it wound up around itself, looked like a little noose, and I immediately just thought, what if I just stuck my head in there and just turn the lights out, literally and figuratively.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: Was not thinking about killing myself at all the second I thought, what if I just fucking did that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye, and we both laughed.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I had this wonderful little moment with myself, no words needed to be spoken, you know.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: I remember one night I actually considered taking a bath.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: So I was gonna call my wife.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: I was on the road, I was like, I don't want to have a fight with her, I need to relax, what the fuck can I do?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I thought about it.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's like women take baths, right?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: They do.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's a very feminine thing.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: They have a bad week.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: I just want to decompress and they just have a soak.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: And then they're just fine.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: Next thing you know, they're drinking wine, they're calling friends.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so glad you're in my life.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel I can get back out there again, right?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm literally alone.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: I start drawing a bath, and the water came all the way up, and at the end of the day, I couldn't fucking do it.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: There's just no way as a man to take a bath and not think about killing yourself.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: It's just something about slipping into that coffin-shaped thing.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, am I gonna slip my wrist?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: Am I testifying against the mob?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_02: What the fuck am I doing here?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a man, I don't take a bath, you take a shower, hose it off, block out your feelings, keep walking till you drop up a heart attack.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: Literally, as you're going down, are you okay?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'm fine, I'm fine.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: My favorite thing about the Black Lives Matter marches was the the store windows that would have the plywood over the windows, and then it would say Black Lives Matter on top of the plywood.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_02: I just love the duality of that message, you know?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: It's like Black Lives Matter, we're all the same, we're all one.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: Don't burn down my store, you fucking animals.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody is welcome in this store.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Anyone can come in one at a time.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: Follow him.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's just a safe space for everyone.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: Every white person likes to lie to themselves that they were alive, you know, 150 years ago, that they would have been working on the Underground Railroad trying to help slaves escape, right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: I would have been one of the good white people.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: I would have taken time out of my day, risked my life.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: And the reality is, is you'd be doing back then exactly what you're doing today.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: Not a fucking thing.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe a little hashtag Black Lives Matter.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, I my heart breaks on my L-shaped couch.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: What kind of a fucking idiot white person refers to themselves as woke?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: You know, if you if you actually were socially conscious, you'd realize that white people stole that word from black people.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: Once again, doing the Elvis thing.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: But you know what?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: I blame black people for that.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: One of them fucked up.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: They were at a party, there was white people there, and they let it slip out.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: Stay woke, I'm gonna fuck you say it, and some white person heard it, like, oh, who is that?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_03: Stay woke, I wanna say that.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta say that around my white friends so they know that I'm down.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking say that.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: Fucking woke.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm fucking woke.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a woke signaler.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: I fucking had it.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: I've had it.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: I support black people in my white apartment on Twitter.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I do.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm fucking here for you.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: Anyways, by the time this special comes out, another election will have come and gone.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's just God knows who we picked, and it's another one.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: They're not gonna fucking talk about anything.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: The oceans are dying.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_02: Genetically altered food.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: There's too many fucking people.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: I don't even know what.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: They're just talking about a bunch of shit.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Bruce has to drop a deuce.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: Where is he gonna go?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: Which bathroom should this guy?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: It's like I don't give a shit.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: This guy has enough money to literally have a porta potty rickshaw running behind him.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: How are you gonna eliminate a couple billion fucking people?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: You never think about that shit.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: You know, they never talk to us about it.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: You know they talk about it behind closed doors, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table, right?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: They probably talk about it then, but just sitting down after life.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I trust everyone had their fun.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: There are only 7.5 billion people on the planet.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're running out of fresh water.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: There won't be enough of the chicken.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Does anyone hear any have any suggestions on how to eliminate the pressure?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: ISU.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Number four.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: Wait a minute.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: What if we like slowly cooked them at the airport?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know, just throwing it out there.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what if you had like a revolving door-looking thing?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: You made them take their shoes off, they got in and they they stood up like that.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: And you just radiate them from head to toe, once on the way out, once on the way back.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yes, yes.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: I like the sound of that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: And how would that work?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Would you have it on low at first?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Sear them like a tuna stake?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: They don't understand.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: You let the children go, we'll use them for slaves later, right?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: No old people, they'll die soon.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Just people in the prime of their life.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And gradually over the years, you increase it.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: You increase it.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: They start frothing at the mouth.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: They don't recognize the children.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: The property comes back to us.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I trust everyone at this table flash private.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's safe to say, I guess the pandemic's over.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: Kinda is.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore, so basically, it's over, right?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: They killed all the weak people.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: The strong people here have survived.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: The fannies are gone, the Eastern.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: People with this.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: None of them made it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: But you guys survived.
• 8:00
  unknown: Yeah.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: You guys survived.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch of people, but I gotta be honest, have you really noticed?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you drive down the highway, there's still traffic.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: I thought it was gonna be like, wow! Holy shit, a lot of people died.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: That's so sad, but fucking awesome! All at the same time.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: I have a temper.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: So that's the thing.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: That's what kind of ruins things.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: Everything else I do is fine, but I have a fucking temper and it just ruins shit.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: And then my wife always says the same thing.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: She's always just like, I just don't understand where did that come from?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: Where is that coming from?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: You just go from zero to a hundred in two seconds.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, first of all, I idle at 75 miles an hour.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Alright?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: So don't give me this zero to a hundred.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: I walked into this restaurant at 75.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: I could hear that guy talking too loud on his cell phone from the fucking parking lot.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I fucking tried all of this shit in a.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: Whenever she says that to me, though, I swear to God, I just don't understand.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: Where is this where is this coming from?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: It actually hurts my feelings when she says that.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: Because it makes me feel like she's not listening to me.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, honey, how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to the absolute lunatic that you marry?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta do it though.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta work on the temper.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna do it.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I got the kid now, and I just don't want, I don't want to pass it on to her.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I got I have like a demon in my family tree.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: Like this fucking rage.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: It's just, you know, just keeps following us, and now I got it.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: I have it so bad, like literally, my daughter, she's almost, she's a little over two years old.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: She's yet to meet me yet.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: Like the real me.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: She's seen glimpses of me.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: I come, hey, how are you?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_02: She's seen glimpses of the anger, but I'm able to smooth it over really quickly, like, whoa, daddy almost snapped his phone in half.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: But I see in her face, I can see the way she looks at me.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_02: She's starting to put it together like, this dude's a little fucked up, man.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: I cannot tell you how heartbreaking that is to see from a toddler.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_02: Must last your own daughter.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I g I I gotta I gotta end this thing, man.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'm gonna go back to therapy, do that fucking bullshit again.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: Fast forward through all these stories I've I've told a million times.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta do it though.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: I got and and uh I'm gonna do it for my kid and do it for my wife.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_02: And selfishly do it for me.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because now I'm gonna tell you why.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: You're not gonna like the results, miss.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_02: This is why I'm gonna do it, because if I actually don't have a temper, like I just think to myself, like, what could my wife complain to me?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Like what could my wife bitch at me about, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: I fucking crush everything.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_02: I do, I take out the trash.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, the gate was squeaky the other day.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: I fucking flip it and I made sure that was done, you know?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: I pick up after myself.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: I like to think I'm a good dad.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: I work my ass off and make a great fucking living.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: Crus all of that.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: All she has on me is who I am as a person.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_02: If I could just not be who I was when she met me, I think I'd have a shot, you know.