Latest / Reality TV Cringe / 82: 90 Day Fiancé The Last Resort - Dead Last (S1E2)

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82: 90 Day Fiancé The Last Resort - Dead Last (S1E2) · Reality TV Cringe

0:09
Welcome raccoons to Reality TV Crunch. Hi party people, Are you all ready
0:15
to cringe? Are you all ready to rock? Because this ninety day fiance
0:19
the Last Resort is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever watched in
0:25
all of my life. And I've been married, excuse me alive for many
0:29
many years and married for many many years. Yes, and many times.
0:32
Yes, I've seen a lot of naked bodies therefore, but nothing like big
0:36
Ed though, nothing like I've never seen anything like Big Ed. What is
0:42
happening? Oh, he is not ashamed of his body, I mean,
0:46
and that's freeing. Yeah, you know that's got to be liberating. I
0:50
mean you got to kind of deeply respect that, right totally. I wish
0:53
I had his confidence to just like stand up out of that hot tub with
0:58
his dingle dingle, And I was trying to like look in the pixelations to
1:02
see like, okay, where does it start and where does it end?
1:03
And it doesn't look like it starts anywhere. That's kind of hidden, it's
1:07
kind of tucked in. Oh my god, we have so much to talk
1:11
about record we do, needless to say. I'm a bit scandalized. Oh
1:15
me too. I watched I was that up as the last night with my
1:19
wife and I was dying laughing, and she was embarrassed. She's like,
1:23
I gotta get up out of here, like secondhand cringing, embarrassing. Like,
1:27
do you guys realize that there are cameras rolling right now like that people
1:30
are going to see this in America and they think they're on sick. I
1:38
kind of love that for them, yeah, but I want them to stop
1:41
it immediately, So fucked up? Okay for real. Before we get into
1:46
this episode of a Relative grid Sue, we do want to just give a
1:49
disclaimer. We are not a politically correct podcast, and I don't know why
1:53
you would have thought that we were. We say bad words, we have
1:57
dumb takes, and we don't work police. So if you're offended, easily
2:01
get into the basement with Christenti'll make you a nice breakfast you stay down there.
2:06
Yeah. Also, go follow us on Instagram at Reality tv Cringe and
2:10
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2:15
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of content and it's all add free, baby. So yeah, if you
2:30
want to get a little taste of that trash, get into the dumpster with
2:35
us. Patreon dot com slash a reality TV cringe. The link is in
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the description. Yeah U. Last, but not least, we do have
2:42
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2:45
can leave us a goddamn message. It's up to ninety seconds long. You
2:47
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dot com slash Reality TV cringe leal description. We'd love to hear from you.
2:55
Yeah, and it can be anonymous too, and you can leave us
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dirty secrets. I'll play it on the Oh, yes we will. We
3:01
would love to do that. Yes. The last thing we do need to
3:04
address before we talk about all these crazy indecent people is I'm Temptation Island because
3:09
we were supposed to come to the pod today to talk about that dumb show,
3:15
but we don't feel like it. We know. Plus, it's filming
3:19
tonight, No, no, it's it's being broadcast tonight, yes, and
3:22
we're recording while it's being broadcast, and then we're like, so should we
3:25
do this tomorrow night? But Beatrice is busy because some kind of a dull
3:30
life. So then we thought we would just wrap up Temptation Island for all
3:35
of you raccoons are just waiting for us to talk about. We're going to
3:38
wrap it up on Monday after we talk about Sister Wives. The very end.
3:43
We're just going to give our final thoughts on tempt Asian Island and we're
3:46
going to leave it right there in the dumpster, never to return. Well,
3:50
they're the Fallon Alley is next week too. What? Yeah, I
3:53
thought that was all tonight. No, the reunion, remember, No,
3:55
it's the finale tonight. I thought the reunion was also tonight. I think
4:00
it's a double stacked night. Yeah, thank god, and thank god.
4:03
Then we can be done, rip the band aid off. So we will
4:05
be talking about that next Monday, just in case you were waiting for that.
4:09
Okay, ninety day Fiance The Last Resort, Season one, episode two
4:16
entitled Dead Last. How about some over arching Is it arching or arching?
4:25
I always get that wrong? Arch over arching Takeaways and ideas about this episode
4:30
and or show. Well, it was kind of boring, besides the naked
4:33
parts, besides Big Edge just strip and naked in that weird jankie fucking hot
4:39
tub on the beach, all of those crusty people stuffed into the hot tub,
4:44
and Angela just bargain in and he just stands up with dingle Berrier.
4:47
I'm just like, I mean, isn't that a form of actual assault?
4:50
I feel like that? And we're in America where this is being filmed.
4:54
I think it's somewhere in the keys. I think if you stand up and
4:56
show me your fucking dick, yeah, that's against the law, my guy,
5:00
Oh totally. But Angela flashed him too, so I mean it's also
5:04
like, I don't want to see that either. And both of these people
5:06
are in their fifties, they're in their fifteen. Could you imagine doing that?
5:12
No, well, I'm not in my fifties, you're not. That's
5:15
all right, She's thirty five. How dare you? Like legit? How
5:25
dare you you keep trying to make me a boomer? And I'm not a
5:28
boomer. I'm young, Jenex, I'm young. I'm an old millennial slash
5:33
young jen X. Fuck you, I'm dying, will wait No, we
5:39
have a fucking thing that we've been doing lately where every time I greet her,
5:43
I say hi, older Hoe because she calls me ho and then we
5:46
swap it. I call you old Hoe, how dare you? Which is
5:50
really old? And I'm like, hi, old, You're literally an old
5:54
hope, and so she started calling me an older hope. But like trying
5:58
to lump me in with the King Big Pread and Angela. I'm sorry,
6:02
but he's parting your generation is the worst insult. They're no, they're literal
6:06
boomers. No they're not, Yes they are. It's Big Ed fifty seven.
6:10
He's well, I know Angela's fifty seven. I think Big Ed is
6:13
let me fix my wig and think about it. I think Big Ed is
6:16
like fifty seven. Oh my god, so he is a boomer. I
6:18
think they're boomers. I'm not a boomers. So I'm I'm offended on behalf
6:23
of all of you gen x is out there. I am offended. What
6:26
were we saying though, before you insulted me that Big Ed and Angela both
6:30
sexually assaulted each other. They did, and flashing each other. They're like
6:34
very assaulting generally, oh totally, all of their shows across the years.
6:40
They're just they have like bad behavior, oh totally. And I just can't
6:45
imagine being that age and thinking it's okay and or attractive or like that.
6:48
Anybody wants to see that. Even Liz doesn't want to see that. De
6:51
Lulu I. Liz is such an enigma to me because I'm like, why
6:56
are you even with this dude? Why are you with him? She can't
7:00
actually be in love with him, is she? I stranger things have happened
7:09
for hormones and pheromones and chemistry, but I just can't imagine a world where
7:14
anybody, any young woman, I mean compared to me, apparently she's like
7:17
thirty one or something, she's she's your age, so that a young woman
7:23
would be even remotely attracted to that man. We're not going to body shame,
7:27
and we talked about shaming itsibly because we really want to. I really
7:31
want to. I'm from another generation where we did not give a fuck,
7:35
and all we did was body shame, and I'm not going to do it
7:39
because I've grown. Thank you, Yeah, thank you, I'm involving.
7:42
Thanks you. Literally had to text me today she was like, we can't
7:46
body but I had to give you my thoughts on every single one of them,
7:50
because I'm just a gas at the entire thing, like you're putting yourselves
7:54
on maximum display national television. You're forcing me to watch it because this is
8:00
my job. And I'm offended and I feel criminally assaulted by big Ed.
8:05
Oh me too. I feel criminally assaulted by Molly and Angela in the pool
8:09
torking what is working? Why what are you working in the water? Does
8:15
somebody help? I just don't understand why are you tworking in the water?
8:18
So these are a major takeaways. Were just a gast And I was reading
8:24
some of the comments on IG today because you were putting up some slides and
8:26
I'm like, oh my god, and people are like, this is the
8:28
trashiest of all shows, Like what the fuck is going on? Is somebody
8:35
commented on our post today that said this show is heinous. It is,
8:39
It's heinous, It's ridiculous. I was also watching this episode thinking this has
8:45
gotta be all fucking scripted, like this is all just a sham. I
8:48
feel like, I mean, it kind of gives me that those vibes like
8:52
Jovian Jara don't seem genuine to me. They're there for the check. Yeah,
8:58
they're there because when you can Aaron contrast, they are incredibly good looking.
9:01
Yeah, for the rest of the cast. Every time Yara is wearing
9:07
those spandex shorts, I'm like, is everyone else looking at her vagina?
9:11
Oh? Totally am? I totally just like her vagina. It's like,
9:16
Okay, I see your vagina. No, but I'd rather see that vagina
9:20
than Actula's vagina. Last week with the fucking leggings. Jesus Christ, this
9:26
is the kind of podcast it's going to be this week because this show is
9:30
really not giving much, it's just giving us. It's ridiculous. This episode
9:33
was totally ridiculous, hilarious because it was so cringe worthy. But it's totally
9:39
ridiculous. Yes, it is, So why don't we dive into it so
9:43
we catch up with this menagerie of melons at the Last Resort. It's the
9:48
same night of therapy last week when Kolani revealed the shocking fact that Asulu had
9:58
a yeast infection on his tongue from kissing some Rando Simone girl and or going
10:03
down on her putin mat, which is just making me sick of thinking about
10:07
it. And then a Suelu learns that Kolani not only kiss somebody with her
10:13
holl pass, she had oral sex and then she had sexy sex, he
10:20
says, And she's been talking to this guy the entire time I showed you
10:24
his picture. What did you think. I mean, he's way cute than
10:26
Aezuelu. I mean not cute though, but I mean anybody way, you
10:30
know, if they were the only two men left on the planet, Yeah,
10:33
you're picking not Azuelu. Yeah, the other guy. So she told
10:39
him that she's had an actual sexual relationship and actual sexual affair. Of course,
10:43
you know, the internet was divided as to whether we were team Kolani
10:48
or team Assuelu. And at the end of the day, I think we're
10:52
like team neither of you. You both really suck in lack morals and integrity
10:56
totally. I mean, I will probably lean a little bit more towards a
11:00
Suelo at this point, but both of them suck like hardcore. I didn't
11:05
realize that he was like twenty one when they got married. Oh yeah,
11:09
he was hella young. I didn't realize he was that much younger than her,
11:13
So that's kind of a little bit predatory. Even though she was a
11:16
virgin and from a Mormon family yep. And it's obvious that she wanted to
11:22
just get it over with so she didn't have to be a virgin anymore.
11:24
But it's kind of terrible to take advantage of a young, non intelligent,
11:30
not intelligent person than swindle them into a marriage. I actually have some info
11:35
about that on her Instagram. Okay, you want me to go get my
11:37
phone so I can sell you. Go get it? Okay. So I
11:41
was on Kolani's Instagram the other day because she was answering fan christian right and
11:48
she answered one in particular about her in Asulu, and I'll just read you
11:50
her response because somebody had asked her, was a suelo really the first h
11:56
and she said, I was raised Mormon and I was saving myself for marriage.
12:00
Fair when I left the church, I told myself I'd sleep with the
12:03
first person I loved. That happened to be a Swalu. Eight months after
12:09
I met him, I was one month away from being twenty nine. People
12:11
wait longer than that. It really wasn't that big of a deal. If
12:16
you get told your whole life that sexual sin is next to murder, it
12:18
kind of sucks up your outlook on sex. Even in the beginning of my
12:20
marriage, I would feel disgusting and guilty after sex. That's why the cheating
12:26
was so devastating. I hadn't shared my body with anyone else at that point.
12:30
Okay, so wait, let me just clear up that timeline. So
12:33
she meets a swalou but doesn't have sex with a sualou for eight months after
12:35
meeting him, That's what she's because I thought she traveled to Samoa and he
12:39
was like working at a resort there and they banged while she was visiting.
12:43
That's what I thought too, And so I'm like, are you changing the
12:46
script or is that what really happened? And maybe we just got like the
12:50
TLC edited version when you were on the actual season. I don't know,
12:56
but that's interesting. I'm like, Okay, so you did fam over them
12:58
after, I mean, so you knew the kind of person he was then
13:01
if you were with him for eight months, right, I mean, I
13:03
know it may have been long distance, Like you knew he was Hella immatur,
13:07
he was super young. She'd have to like, I mean, isn't
13:11
she kind of like the equivalent of a passport bro? Like she couldn't find
13:16
somebody in America want to be with her because she's constantly shrieking and bullying people.
13:20
And so she had to fly over to Psamoa and meet Asulu, who
13:24
was nineteen years old and I know, innocent and non developed in his brain,
13:28
I mean specifically in his brain, he's non developed, and then sleep
13:33
with him, get pregnant and kind of like, I'm not saying she trapped
13:37
him because he was a willing partner, but there's just something about her.
13:41
I know, it's really unlikable, very toxic, very fucking toxic. The
13:45
way she talks to him, like she's abusive. When we get to the
13:48
obstacle course, how she's screaming at him, I'm like, you two know
13:52
this is being filmed, right and we can all see you and how you
13:54
treat people, oh for sure. And the fucking therapists were like, obviously,
13:58
you guys have terrible communication because all you do is just bully him and
14:03
yell at him and he shuts down because he doesn't respond well to that,
14:07
and she's like, well but he doesn't listen, Like nothing's ever her fault,
14:11
right, And she never takes any kind of ownership or accountability because at
14:13
the beginning of this fucking episode, Asulu is asking her if she's still talking
14:18
to her hook up guy and if she has feelings for him, and she
14:22
says yes. She's like, but what do you expect? And then they're
14:26
arguing about the act of cheating and he's like, well, I'm really upset
14:30
and hurt, and she's like, well, why because you gave me the
14:33
hall pass. That's fair. But he's like, but it was just a
14:35
blow job and I'm not talking to the girl. And she's like, well,
14:39
but what's the difference between me? That's She's like, what's the difference?
14:43
I'm like, what do you mean? What's the difference? It is
14:46
obvious what the difference is. They had a one and done. It was
14:48
wrong, he transgressed, he admitted it, or you had to get it
14:52
out of him. Whatever. You are continuing in a relationship and you are
14:56
emotionally involved with somebody that's way worse, So don't act dumb. Call on
15:00
I know. I just I was like, and she's yelling at him,
15:01
and he's crying, but he's always crying when he's not crying, right,
15:05
But she's yelling at him. He's crying, and she's like, I just
15:07
I don't want to talk about I don't want to talk about it. I
15:11
don't want you to be in the room tonight. And I'm just like,
15:13
God, so fucking dismissive. I would rather sleep under a coconut tree over
15:18
sheet in that room with her, oh for sure. And like he's straight
15:22
up telling her it's not the same because you're still talking to this guy and
15:24
you could have gotten pregnant, and she's like, well, what fig difference?
15:28
You got a blowdout, and like he can't get somebody pregnant from She
15:30
knows, that's the thing. She knows what the difference is. But she
15:33
also knows that he doesn't have the abilities of articulation to actually have that argument
15:39
with her, so she can push him around, and so she does.
15:41
That's what makes her a bully. I'm not saying she was wrong for using
15:43
her hall pass. I can even say, like, hey, I understand
15:46
how you would use your hall pass, and you've only ever been with Ausulu
15:50
and now you're kind of hooking up with this handsome dude and maybe he's slanging
15:54
the d and it feels real good. I get it right, But the
15:56
way you act is so fucking off full. I have to root for a
16:00
Sulu, Yeah, for sure, because he seems like the only one that's
16:04
trying to work on the relationship. She's done. Why do you think he
16:07
wants it so much? I don't because of his kids, maybe, and
16:11
maybe he knows that it would be a disgrace, like if he just comes
16:15
home and like he doesn't have contact with his kids. I mean, look
16:18
at fucking you remember Devin and that Korean guy, yeah, from knight to
16:22
day fiance and now he doesn't get to see the kid that they had together.
16:26
And what was the baby's name, Tai ta young tay young? And
16:30
didn't the baby get cancer? He has leukemia right now, aukemia, And
16:34
so the father doesn't get contact with Maybe, yes, it's a terrible situation.
16:40
So I can see why maybe he wants to make it work. Plus,
16:42
you know, I don't know what the quality of life is going to
16:45
be for him in Samoa. Maybe it's awesome, but it's a different kind
16:48
of life, and maybe he wants to stay in America. Yeah, but
16:51
like he probably should have put that kind of effort into the relationship a bit
16:56
earlier because I think Klanni is just over him, totally doesn't have anything for
17:00
him, and we're about to put this one to sleep. Oh for sure.
17:03
I don't even know why they're on the show. I don't either,
17:06
a check. So that was the ending of the night with Colonia Sulu.
17:11
We wake up to the pool scene with Angela and Molly. This is before
17:15
the obstacle race, and yeah, Molly's at the pool. Angela comes trapesing
17:19
in with her, like, I mean, it is a one piece technically,
17:26
but it is like such a scantally lots of whole clad Like it's just
17:32
I'm just like I don't want to I can't. I just see, I
17:34
have questions. I have so many questions. I mean, I'm younger than
17:40
Angela, but I'm like of a certain age according to Beatrice, and I
17:45
would just be like, I don't know. I'm already so hyper conscious of
17:49
like my body ye most raccoons, no, And I'm always like thinking about
17:52
like what am I going to fucking wear? And I gotta cover up because
17:55
I don't want to be like I can't imagine a world where I'm stepping out
18:00
in a resort with a bathing suit like that. Mmmmm. I couldn't even
18:06
do that. But on the other side of that, the shadow side of
18:10
that, or maybe the light side of that, I'm like so much respect
18:12
that you are feeling yourself so deeply that you're like, yes, bitch,
18:17
look at all this jiggle jiggle, don't vote. I mean, she's a
18:21
sexy Mima. That's her whole identity because she thinks she is hot as fuck.
18:25
And you know, more power to you, Angela. But but it
18:30
is, we're all thinking it. You know, we're all thinking it,
18:33
we're all seeing it. We all have eyes that see for the most part.
18:36
Not everybody has eyes to see, but I'm just saying, for the
18:37
most part, we have eyes at sea. Plus we have ears that hear
18:41
if. I have never heard a more annoying voice than Molly's and Angela's.
18:45
Oh yeah, And I'm like, there's I mean, Angela's laugh drives me
18:49
nuts every time I hear it. I'm just like, it's a cackle,
18:52
it's a total which is I mean, I would have trained myself away from
18:57
fucking cackling or founding like nasally don't wage a peach because you know I come
19:03
from Hawaii, right of course, and you know I was functionally illiterate for
19:07
most of my life while I was there, until I moved to the mainland
19:10
when I was in my middle twenties. But like, if you had known
19:12
me when I was nineteen years old, you will you would not have recognized
19:15
how I spoke because I sounded dumb, said pigeon talk, pigeon English.
19:22
I wasn't dumb, I was intelligent, but it was the vernacular in the
19:26
way we spoke in Hawaii, Right. But when I moved to the mainland
19:32
and I had to become gainfully employed and I was kind of now in a
19:36
different culture, I trained myself away from speaking in that way. Yeah,
19:40
I can still go back and I can speak that way. It's still in
19:42
me, but like I adapted based on kind of my environment. And I
19:47
don't know, I'm just I'm going a long way around saying if I heard
19:51
myself back on television, if I watched this fucking video back and I heard
19:55
myself cackling like that, I would train myself to sound better to somebody's ear.
19:59
Right, that's not it, That's exactly it. But more of us
20:04
smokers gravel. Yeah, it's crazy though, me and Molly is really no
20:10
better. Oh, my god, she's annoying. So when they're in this
20:12
pool and they're talking about Molly and Kelly, and Molly is so confused because
20:18
you know, I don't really know any wants. I think it might want
20:22
it, but then I don't want it when we know what's really happening is
20:27
Kelly assaulted your daughter in November of twenty twenty two. This is being filmed
20:32
in January of twenty twenty three, and you are upset about that, of
20:36
course, And wouldn't it be cool if you actually told the truth and we
20:40
could all have a moment of transparency and authentic discussion. I'd like that.
20:45
But you know, they got to get that sweet TLC check. If she
20:48
ain't got no man, she can't be on this fucking show, you know.
20:52
I mean like she had Louise, who came from I don't know,
20:53
fucking Dominican Republic? Is that where he came? I don't remember, but
21:00
I ought to give it the d yeah, and then he quickly fuck it
21:03
left because she's crazy. Yeah, so it's like she's got to get the
21:06
money. She's got to stay relevant. He was a swindler and a good
21:11
so terrible Okay, I'm just saying I hated Louise and they too. Yeah,
21:15
and I thought Molly was like a girl boss and awesome, but like
21:18
in the subsequent seasons, I'm like, well, I don't think she is.
21:22
I think it's just kind of a grift for and I think she's really
21:23
pissed. I think she's really mad. At the time of this filming,
21:26
it's been what two months, and so she's carrying that around and we're not
21:30
talking about it. So we're pretending to be enjoying the pool with Angela,
21:33
worried about what I'm gonna do about Kelly who assaulted my daughter, right and
21:37
now I'm going to work with Angela because apparently everybody's best friends with Angela on
21:44
this fucking cast right now, and then there, I know I can't.
21:45
It's weird, right her. So Molly and Klannie love Angela, Like why
21:52
I think that's I feel I'm preparing to sidle up to Angela to get on
21:56
her good side, because if Angela pops off, it's you. It's going
22:00
to become a bad scene, which is going to be next week when she
22:03
gets into a fight with Liz. Yeah, and then all shit's gonna go
22:07
down. But that's probably why they're trying to align with Angela. But like,
22:11
they're literally twerking in this pool. There's some forty five year old soccer
22:15
mom trying to fucking enjoy her morning with her coffee and her fucking phone just
22:19
three feet away, and she has to hear Angela and Molly fucking shouting and
22:23
twerking, and oh my god, Lord Jesus, Now you said you saw,
22:29
upon forensic examination of the footage, you saw something called a granny pad
22:34
with Angela. And I'm like, what the fuck is the granny pad?
22:37
Yeah, like you know one of those like always pads, like for incontinence,
22:41
you know what I'm saying, Like, you know those pads, There's
22:42
not that. There was not an inclosed, straight up look liked there was
22:48
I swear to God, I swear to God. In her fucking swimsuit.
22:52
There was a little thing that was hanging out at the side, and it
22:56
looks like it looked like a pad, you know, fold you know that
23:00
That's what it looked like to me. I don't know, God, okay,
23:03
or maybe it was her pussy lips. No, her pussy lips look
23:11
like an incontinence, but oh my god, I just don't understand, Like
23:15
why scientifically you would need to wear an incontinence pad and go into a pool,
23:19
Like, isn't that growdy? Why wouldn't you just be in the pool,
23:23
like you obviously have no class anyway, Just be in the fucking pool.
23:26
People do that all the time. Okay, See this is how trashy
23:30
we're getting. This is how trashy this fucking show is. Well, we
23:34
are at a dumpster. We aren't a dumpster, So we're eating the trash
23:37
and we're sharing it with you. Yeah, we are serving it. Welcome.
23:40
We are your waitresses here in the fucking dumpster. So that was weird
23:44
totally and I had to like bleach my eyes. It was terrible, Scarred
23:48
for life. Next, we have the obstacle course. We have our little
23:52
group exercise. Yeah, really trying to learn how we actually communicate to each
23:56
other. And so if we blindfold one of you and let the other one
24:02
direct you through this dumb ass, fucking cheap obstacle course made with like coke
24:06
bottles and fucking khula hoops and stuff, I'm like, what's going on on
24:10
the fucking beach with other people walking around to enjoy the trying and enjoy their
24:14
vacation that they saved up for two years to go to. Given inflation and
24:18
everything, they've right, they've paid all the money they could to come here,
24:21
right, and how to enjoy themselves. And we've got this menagerie of
24:22
melons. Dude doing this shit. If that happened when I was on vacation
24:26
there, I'd be like, can I get a full fucking refund? Because
24:29
I don't want to be around you. These people would love it. You
24:33
would be fucking filming from you'd be vaping and filming. Well yeah, yeah,
24:40
that shit. They're doing this obstacle. And of course Angela doesn't have
24:44
a partner to do the obstacle course with, because Michael is still living in
24:47
an iPad. He's trapped in an iPad. Did you ever see the old
24:51
Superman with like the three people from his home planet who come back and then
24:56
he puts them in like this mirrors and stuff and anybody. I know,
24:59
I'm old, but then they he kind of consigns them to these mirror things
25:03
kind of fly away. Anyway, Michael's in a mirror, Michael's in an
25:07
iPad. Michael is not with us, but he's pretending that he cares.
25:11
He's pretending that he's there. Yeah, even though it's like two am.
25:15
I'm like, so you make him get on this fucking zoom call on a
25:18
side to just stand there and watch these couples do this stupid fucking obstacle course
25:23
and like, okay, so Angela and Jovi pair up because she doesn't have
25:29
a partner, and I'm like, so Yara doesn't get to do the kid
25:33
with Yara? Did she did? He didn't even, Yeah, Jovie did
25:37
it with Yara and then Jovie did it with Angela. Okay, so yeah,
25:42
it's gonna make it get through all these naked scenes, dude. Yeah,
25:45
I know you have to anesthetize. I mean, like, put me
25:48
underdoctor, please, if you could just give me some Yeah, so Jovi
25:52
did go with Yara and then Jovi went with Angela. Of course, Jovi
25:57
and Angela end up winning the obstacle course. Big Pread ends up cheating,
26:03
like so obviously cheating, and then he gets mad when everybody calls him out
26:08
for cheating. Yeah. I think it was Molly or Kelly Kelly that called
26:11
him that, yeah, a cheater, and then ed calls Kelly a bitch,
26:15
Kelly, you know who. I don't really know this dude, but
26:18
I do know that he's a former NYPD police officer. Yeah, and he
26:22
could probably take you. Ed, I could take it. I think anybody
26:27
could take. Is a condo Akido master yonn don akido? What is it?
26:34
Coo? Like what yann don akido? Fourth degree? I had My
26:40
wife looked that up because you know, she's being into the martial arts and
26:42
stuff, and she looked it up and she's like, this fucker thinks he's
26:47
a fourth degree black belt and akido. He said that real fast, like
26:51
he like it was either true or he practiced that. Ye, like he's
26:55
a fucking fourth degree black belt. Yeah, no, no, no,
27:00
he looks like one of those eminem man's. Man's sorry, what what is
27:04
it? What is it? What is it? I'm sorry, Okay,
27:14
I'll just keep it in. He looks like one of those eminem mans.
27:17
I was going to edit it out, but I mean, do you know
27:18
what I mean? Fucking like just all a circle and then like two fucking
27:22
toothpicks and you're a fourth degree black belt in ikeo. Okay, you know
27:27
my father did ikedo? Really, yeah, he did taekwondo, and he
27:32
did aketo and he actually practiced and competed in tournaments. And was he good?
27:40
I mean, I guess my dad was a bit of the narc Yeah,
27:42
I mean he was good at everything. But like he had a niketo
27:45
sword and like we grew up. Wow, I wish I had it now.
27:47
But like, so he brings out Ikeito. You know who else did
27:48
ikedo with Steven Seagal? Wow? And Steven Seagal is such a turbo douchebag.
27:53
Yeah, dude, and so is Ed. He's trying to get back
27:56
led back to Ed anyway, So Ed gets mad. He he has the
28:00
audacity, because he's a fourth degree black belt nikido to call Kelly, a
28:03
former NYPD detective, a bitch. And Kelly's like, don't call me a
28:11
fucking bitch. I just call me a fucking bitchy Like, lets it go
28:14
in the moment, But he's storing it away, of course, in his
28:18
head, and he's going to address it later in this hot tub from hell,
28:22
the hot tub slime machine, fucking slime machine at the bleach. After
28:29
that, seriously, so after this riveting obstacle, course, we have a
28:33
sit down with a therapist to kind of just download, Yeah, like,
28:37
what are your major takeaways as a relationship, you know, as a couple,
28:41
which alone about yourself from running around these coke bottles and you're communication styles
28:47
and I mean they start with Colonie in Pezuelo. I'm pretty sure, and
28:49
and they're like, well, we don't communicate well. And the therapists call
28:53
him out for Klanni being an asshole and just yelling at a and us,
29:00
where it was like I don't like when she yells at me, and everybody's
29:03
like, yeah, no shit, she sucks. You both suck you.
29:06
Guys should break up. And then we get to somehow we get to Jovi
29:10
and Yara Yes, and this build up yes for Yara to bring up the
29:15
terrible secret that she's been keeping from Jovi, which I called you because you're
29:19
a fake psychic and psychic you are accurate. You're like, oh, I'm
29:23
picking it up, I'm reading the timelines, and you're always right. I
29:26
am always right. And the stupid secret that we had this whole, big
29:30
old build up for was that she's just taking birth control. She didn't tell
29:33
who. Okay, that's not that big of a deal to me. I
29:37
don't think like, it's not like she got a full blown hysterectomy and didn't
29:41
tell him. Well, yeah, that's true. But I mean, I
29:42
guess it's a big deal to Jovi because he really wants a second child,
29:47
and that's the whole storyline. And all I do is when I look at
29:48
them is see Vagina and Easter Island Head and I'm just like, account with
29:52
you two, Like why are you here? They're just on your for the
29:55
cloud. I think it's all fake. I think Jovi looked pretty embarrassed that
30:00
she brought it up in front of all these fucking losers. Yeah, and
30:04
these Rando counselors, the Jenny counselor, the other Rando Dude counselor, and
30:10
the Randol counselor. He's like, why did you We could have talked about
30:11
it, like I'm not going to force you to have my baby. Of
30:15
course I understand. I guess I really want it. I want to continue
30:18
to have the conversation, but I'm not gonna make you have my babies.
30:21
So we could have talked about this. You didn't have to say it in
30:22
front of big pread. He really does not like right, and I think
30:29
he said that, and they're talking head too. He's like, you could
30:30
have just come to me privately and we had a conversation. She's just said
30:33
she felt like he would still push it and he would force her to have
30:37
a baby, which is just all a bunch of bullshit. And I'm bored.
30:40
Yeah, nobody cares. I'm bored. They go to Molly and Kelly
30:44
and they're basically like, you guys did pretty well, and Molly's like,
30:47
well, that's because I made sure to let him lead, because all they
30:51
want to do is see if he can because he doesn't do shit. He
30:53
came to Georgia, he didn't do anything. I had to take care of
30:56
him and I hate him. Plus he assaulted my daughter. Yeah, so
31:00
I was like, Okay, why were they even on this show? Dude,
31:03
I don't know. I don't get it. I know that Klanni and
31:06
a Sulu. A Sulu brings up in front of everybody to the therapists that
31:11
Klanni is continuing to talk to her boy toy, which previously nobody else knew.
31:15
They had talked about that in private, and the counselors are kind of
31:19
like, oh, well, it's kind of a bad idea if you're in
31:22
marriage counseling group intensive counseling to like talk to your affair partner throughout it and
31:29
develop emotional feelings. So do you think, Kolani, we don't want to
31:32
like push you or anything because we're scared of you, because everybody is scared
31:36
of you for real. But I'm wondering, would you be okay with maybe
31:38
just like toning that down a little bit, maybe not talking to him.
31:41
Oh, we're here, you know, I don't know. What do you
31:44
think? Is that okay? Are you able to do that? And she
31:47
says to Sulu, well, I would like to offer you the courtesy of
31:52
me blocking this guy for that to make you feel comfortable, And he just
31:59
goes, yeah, I'd like that. Oh he doesn't just say I like
32:02
that. He's like, I have hope now. I believe we can be
32:07
a family. I have hope now, Like he really sad looks into that
32:12
and thinks that this is going to be like something that will give them a
32:15
fresh start, whereas everybody else watching all of us raccoons. Now, she's
32:20
just doing this for the gram. She's doing it to say that she did
32:22
it. She's doing it for the check. And as soon as she's gone,
32:25
she's gonna go back to her side, dick because it's better. Yep,
32:30
and he's probably more intelligent, no offense if you're watching and listens to
32:34
her body. Yeah, and it's like when we're having sex, he cares
32:37
about my pleasure, unlike you just jackhammering the entire time. I mean,
32:44
I mean I think she was applying that. Yeah, And then we get
32:47
to Angela, who's there with the iPad, and she says something like,
32:52
you know what, if I can forgive a Suelo who actually had in real
32:58
life relations with some hoe and smoa, then why can't I find it in
33:02
my heart to forgive Mike only cheated online? Question to you in some season,
33:15
like a recent season, wasn't she talking to somebody on Yes, some
33:20
guys and TikTok Yes, yes, And you know, for without a shadow
33:28
of a doubt, Mike al is still cheating under in fucking Africa, dude,
33:31
I swear, are you kidding me? Like anybody with the fucking brain
33:37
would know that he's still cheating on her. He's like, okay, now
33:39
I just can't do it online where she can find out. I mean,
33:44
come on, I just feel like it's so preposterous, it's so ridiculous.
33:47
I can I ask you a question here too. Why did they have to
33:51
film this in the Keys in America. Couldn't they have just gone somewhere like
33:55
hopped over the pond, gone somewhere in France, or gone somewhere in Spain,
34:00
go to Jamaica, go to the Bahamas. Well, Michael can fly
34:04
in and doesn't eat a visa. Yeah, that would be nice in theory,
34:07
but you know, Colanni and Asued will have to bring your kids and
34:08
Collini, so oh god, fuck those people. I know they suck.
34:14
I know. All right, after this we get to the hot tub.
34:19
But you know what, I think we need to take a break right now.
34:21
Let me take a break because the hot tub we have to prepare for
34:22
this. Yes, there's so much fucking going on in the hot tub,
34:25
including Ed's penis and balls, and so we're gonna take a break right now.
34:30
We gotta keep these lights on, gotta read a few ads. We'll
34:34
be back on the other side to finish up this ninety day fiance see it.
34:38
Then the last resort, All right, we are back to discuss the
34:44
hot tub slime machine, which is the scene that takes us out of this
34:49
episode. But I mean, like Liz and Ed listen, march their happy
34:53
asses over to the one lonely hot tub in the resort. It looks like
34:58
a sketchy looks like a sketchy fucking resort, looks like a sketchy knight.
35:01
This is a sketchy situation. So she gets into the hot tub and Ed
35:07
promptly takes off his shorts in front of the cameras, immediately, like no
35:12
shame at all, just immediately drops his draws dangling. Dude, everything's a
35:15
big old booty, big old booty. Is it a big booty? Well,
35:20
he just doesn't seem to have anything beneath the eminem round parts, nothing
35:25
beneath that. And again you have to have some respect for somebody who's like,
35:30
yeah, I look like an eminem. I get it. Yeah,
35:32
But like here's my shit, and I'm getting into this hot tub and it's
35:36
I'm here to party. Well, I did see a picture of him when
35:38
he was younger today, like way younger with his kid, and he was
35:43
like fit. I've seen that he was fit, you know, still short,
35:45
but he would yet and like not round and like had nice shoulders.
35:51
And I was like, okay, I mean I can see the world repugnant,
35:54
like yeah, like an actual human form. Yeah, he kind of
35:59
had a shape to his job. Yeah, you know, am I gonna
36:05
have to edit this out. I'm just saying, first of all, here's
36:07
my philosophy on this, because I don't want to be a mean person.
36:10
In fact, I have a lot of love in my heart. It's like
36:12
at phone home, I'm full of love. But the thing is, if
36:15
you're going to put your whole weird body on display and make me look at
36:20
it, you can't tell me. I can't talk about that. There's literally
36:23
an Instagram account with the user name handle big Ed's Neck. I'm not even
36:29
kidding, and they have like thousands of followers. So I mean, it's
36:32
okay, but do you get my point. It's like, you cannot Angela
36:36
flash your fucking boobs and then get mad if I say those kind of look
36:39
pachy. You can't put on the most risque fucking one piece bathings and I've
36:44
ever seen in my life, and they get mad at me because I'm like,
36:46
but I mean, push push your shit in, I knows and stuff
36:50
like that. Come on, you can't get mad that we're commenting on everything
36:52
you're putting on display. These people are objectively terrible. Also, it's not
36:57
like they're good people. But I mean, isn't there like just a standard
37:00
even if you're a bad person, we shouldn't know, Okay, I just
37:07
they are just repugnant inside and they're outside there's somewhat repugnant outside. But I
37:12
mean, again, I just said, I keep on saying it's good for
37:14
you, but you're feeling all of everything God gave you. Did you catch
37:19
though? There was a conversation about Big Ed having a big dick, and
37:23
Angela said, no, you don't. I just saw your dick and you
37:27
don't have a big dick, but I do have a good doctor. Yes,
37:30
She's like, I know a guy, and then in our talking head
37:31
she said, hey, that guy has got a lot of courage to show
37:35
his his bits and everything. And she's like, but Michael's three inches bigger,
37:38
which I don't know that that means so much. I mean, well,
37:42
listen, let's talk about that, okay, because if Michael's seven inches,
37:45
he's not Okay, maybe he is, I mean, maybe he is,
37:47
so then big Ed would be four inches. But if but he's smaller
37:52
than that. Yeah, then that means Big D's even smaller than that.
37:55
That means it really is smaller that we're having. Let's do this for and
38:00
sickens and examination. So we're assuming that Big Ed has got a flaccid,
38:05
fifty seven year old dingling that he's flashing to Angela. Right, it's probably
38:09
like a wet a Vienna fucking sausage. I'm picturing a micropeen. I'm picturing
38:14
that the whole fucking dysfunction is absolutely the dysfunction extends to the penis total.
38:20
We're probably looking at a fucking Vienna sausage, right, Yeah, And so
38:23
if Michael's only three inches bigger than a sausage, is he even three inches?
38:30
But I'm just going to assume, I'm assuming not. I mean I
38:35
would, I would. I would bet if he did, Angela would have
38:37
said something about it. She would have used it again fortim already. So
38:42
for her to kind of speak in glowing terms about it means he's at least
38:45
at the very least adequate. The Big Ed, he ain't adequate, girl.
38:49
And also, if you're working with a pamper peine, Okay, if
38:52
what you're rockin is a fucking Vienna sausage and you've got this big old fuck,
38:58
big old fuck, big old belly. How are you getting that?
39:04
You have to lift the belly up, But there's you have to lift the
39:07
belly up, there's only so many Then you have the pupa and how do
39:13
you fucking angle you're fucking shit in so you can get I don't get it.
39:19
I just don't want let it. Did you see at the beginning of
39:21
the episode how Liz was laying on top of it in that chair. I
39:27
seem to recall it because Big was laying like this, all right, and
39:30
she was laying on top of him. So maybe maybe that's the way they
39:34
do it. That's the way they do it. Oh maybe we got a
39:37
glimpse of that. Lord Jesus. I mean, well, it causes us
39:40
to think, and I wonder what's happening, because I mean, if you
39:44
were so out there with your body, like maybe you're very sexual. I'm
39:46
just wondering how that could possibly work. Well, they're also telling us all
39:50
about their sex life and how the best sex that they ever have is when
39:53
they break up and have the makeup sex and she calls him daddy, you
39:59
know, what I heard some men where I was reading on Reddit, oh
40:02
about this guy who has a small dick, and his girlfriend was in the
40:06
bar yelling about it, and her friend was with her, and her friend
40:10
was yelling coxleave, Cox leave, because they were talking about him wearing a
40:15
Cox leave. If anybody's on reddite, So the girlfriend's boyfriend, who the
40:19
guy who's writing this post, wears a Cox leave because he's got a smaller
40:22
ish dick, and his girlfriend makes fun of him and was talking to her
40:25
girlfriend at a bar about him wearing a Cox leave, So he goes to
40:30
the bathroom. He comes back out they've been talking about the Cox leave,
40:31
and some dude who's overheard their conversation yells, there's coxleave. Oh no,
40:37
which I'm like, that's so sad. It's a terrible thing. But I
40:40
didn't know there was such thing as a Cox leave. So I'm just saying,
40:44
if he's rocking a Vienna sausage, maybe he's also wearing a Cox leave.
40:49
Is that like a thing where you put your dingle in I would imagine
40:52
leave and then it's like hard and it's like an extender. Maybe maybe it's
40:57
kind of like a strap on, But where were you put your junk,
40:59
And I don't know raccoons. If there's somebody out there that can illuminate us
41:05
workings of the Cox League, we are very curious. Yeah, because I'm
41:08
just not getting it with Big either. I'm not understanding how this is happening
41:14
neither. So they're in the hot tub and he's naked. Angela comes to
41:17
get in the hot tub. He stays naked, but then Kelly comes with
41:21
Molly and he quickly gets his shorts and puts them on. Did he put
41:23
a short song because I thought he was naked still? No, he grabbed
41:27
his shorts and he put them on, so he got up. So no,
41:30
homo, okay, because I thought I watched this twice today and I
41:32
couldn't tell. I was watching a half paying attention because I was just scarred
41:37
for life, but I didn't I couldn't tell if he was still naked in
41:42
the hot tub when Kelly and Molly came in. No, he had his
41:44
short song because I think he knew there was another man there who might be
41:47
mad at him a little. Well, yeah, you don't want to have
41:50
your junk just floating in the hot tub water. So they start having a
41:54
conversation. Liz asks Molly and Kelly, like, hey, how y'all doing,
41:59
and they begin to answer, and then Ed just jumps on over it
42:02
and interrupts him and starts talking. And he does this a couple of times,
42:06
and that's when Kelly says that you really like to be the center of
42:08
attention. Yeah, do you get enough attention in your life because you always
42:13
have to cut everybody off? And Big it's like, no, I don't,
42:15
right, No, I don't, I'm just talking. And he's also
42:19
drunk. He is drunk. I don't think Kelly's drunk. I don't.
42:22
I don't know, Big Big Ed Angela is also I think drinking, and
42:25
so's Liz. And so I think Liz and Ed drink a lot. Yeah,
42:29
they seem like that's a feature of their she would have to yea.
42:35
So they start arguing, and this is when the whole fourth belt ikedo because
42:42
he basically says like, don't ever call me a bitch again. You got
42:45
one of those, and next time we're going to have a problem. And
42:46
it's like, don't you fucking threaten me because you know I'm a condo kondo
42:51
ydo, ydo? Fuck you up? And I'll fuck you up. Kelly's
42:57
like, okay, sure dude, sure Jan and they start sort of arguing.
43:01
But this is when Angela jumps in and she said, guys, stop
43:05
it, big Ed, don't talk like that. And this is where he
43:08
says he has a big dick and she says, no, you don't.
43:10
Splashing Ed or is that for the preview? I don't even know. It
43:14
just goes left. It does go left. Well, everybody starts fighting,
43:16
and it's mainly a big Ed Liz and Kelly and Molly because they're all out
43:21
fucking annoying people. And Angela is trying to be the mediator, which is
43:24
kind of weird because I'm like, Angela, you're fucking psycho also, and
43:29
she's trying to like calm them all down, and then she splashes Ed to
43:31
shut him the fuck up because he's being annoying, right, And then they
43:36
just all fight and this is the second fucking episode. I knew that they
43:38
were going to have it here. This is why I wanted to watch it
43:40
though. Yeah, because when you put these people totally in a room together
43:45
or in a fucking hot tub together, this is the kind of shit that's
43:46
going to happen. And then we see in the preview that Angela fights with
43:51
Liz and this is after they're getting out of the hot tub. Yeah,
43:52
she gets in Liz's face, she does yep, which is crazy. And
43:58
then I don't remember much after. Oh wait, no, Angela or not
44:00
Angela Jovi and Yarra have an issue, we see, right, yeah,
44:07
yeah, but it's from their room. Yeah. I wasn't listening, so
44:09
they're fighting about something. Non Oh my god, no, it seemed well.
44:13
Jovi's like huddled up on the corner of the bed and he looks like
44:15
he's guilty, and Yara's crying and yelling at him, saying, I can't
44:21
believe you would do this to me. You hurt me so fucking bad.
44:22
Why would you have somebody else in our bed? So I think Easter egg
44:29
Easter island head, Yes, egg works as well. Yeah, he cheated
44:34
on Yara, which I'm just like, why would you ever do that,
44:37
you dumb dumb boy. I don't believe it was full on cheating. Maybe
44:42
something was inappropriate. I bet it's not that much of an escandalous, but
44:46
then again, I'm not the fake psyche here you are. She was crying
44:49
and sobbing she was, But I mean, I don't know. Maybe it's
44:52
just for Kloud. Maybe it's just the birth control. It's hormones, you
44:54
know what. True. We also see in the preview that Kolani again agrees
44:59
to block this a fair partner and a Soilo is crying and happy and I'm
45:02
sick of it. I'm tired of it. You can't stand it, tired
45:05
of it. Ed calls Kelly a bitch for a second time. It calls
45:09
Kelly a bitch. A second we see Angela fighting with Liz. We see
45:15
Ed and Liz fighting and Ed is talking over her. Yep, shocker.
45:19
So they're having a big fucking junk drunken brawl. The next time, we
45:22
come back to the last Resort, which is next to Stay, and of
45:24
course joviniara arguing about whatever's going on with them. Yeah, and Liz is
45:28
crying over their stupid fucking argument, because that's all they fucking do. They
45:30
just get drunk, they fuck, then they fight, then they break up,
45:34
and then they get back together and the cycle continues. I was reading
45:37
on Reddit somebody was saying that they had been watching like all the seasons,
45:42
and in particular like when Liz first came onto the program and how much her
45:46
physical appearance has changed. Yeah, and let me just say, like she's
45:50
thirty years old. I think she's a pretty girl. And I don't remember
45:52
when she came onto the show. I don't think I was watching, so
45:54
I can't really attest to that. But they were saying that it's absolutely alcohol
45:58
bloat, oh totally. Yeah, and just being miserable with Big Ed too,
46:02
like she's changed a lot, because I watched their early seasons too,
46:06
and then I just couldn't stand it anymore. But yeah, was she like
46:09
a composed, normal kind of a person and she was pretty and like,
46:14
I mean she had her issues obviously because she's dating Big Ed, but I
46:16
mean, like, she wasn't that bad of a person. I think they
46:20
have definite alcohol problems. Interesting, Yeah, interesting, big Yikes. So
46:24
that was the episode. Yeah, I mean it was disgusting in a lot
46:29
of ways. I'm like, what am I doing with my life? Is
46:31
this? Where is this? How low I've fallen? But at the same
46:35
time, cringe. I was this is what we're here to do. We're
46:37
here to cringe. And I was taking notes, you know, I try
46:39
to I try to take notes in a very organized and academic way, but
46:44
like, try to do that with this this trash. I mean, why
46:47
do I even care? But I did enjoy talking about it with you,
46:52
my friend. And before we go, is there anything else that we have
46:54
to say to these beautiful records? Well, if you love our trashy po
47:00
podcast, we hope that you give us a glowing five star review on your
47:05
favorite podcast platform. Go subscribe to our patron and support us there. And
47:09
yeah, thank you. Bye and until next time, he come bye, guys,