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From Love Bombing to Liberation: One Woman's Journey to Self-Worth · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

0:05
Mary: Welcome to no Shrinking Violence.
0:07
Mary: I'm your host, mary Rothwell, licensed therapist and certified integrative mental health practitioner.
0:13
Mary: I've created a space where we celebrate the intuition and power of women who want to break free from limiting narratives.
0:20
Mary: We'll explore all realms of wellness what it means to take up space unapologetically, and how your essential nature is key to living life on your terms.
0:29
Mary: It's time to own your space, trust your nature and flourish.
0:34
Mary: Let's dive in.
0:35
Mary: Hey, violets, welcome to the show.
0:40
Mary: Over the years I've had women of all ages who've sat in my office resisting the truth of their partner relationships.
0:46
Mary: The truth includes the fact that things have changed drastically and not for the better.
0:51
Mary: So often these women want to function and feel like their relationship did in the beginning the excitement and the discovery when love bombing was mistaken for simply love.
1:02
Mary: Any red flags would have been easier to ignore.
1:05
Mary: Back then, and when the true nature of the partner and the unhealthy tone of the relationship starts to be more and more obvious, the focus remains on the past who he or she because these situations aren't limited to heterosexual relationships was in the beginning.
1:22
Mary: But the real person, who he or she is now, is the reality.
1:28
Mary: Relationships hit the skids for an incalculable number of reasons.
1:31
Mary: Sometimes people grow in different directions, and sometimes there's infidelity or even abuse.
1:37
Mary: Most often it's something in between.
1:40
Mary: We often choose partners that mimic patterns of the past or who we believe deep down will help heal something which we may not even be fully aware of.
1:48
Mary: But one thing is true, and I've said it a thousand times if I've said it once just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them.
1:56
Mary: My guest today knows that story all too well.
2:00
Mary: Nikki Allen is the author of Loved you Hated you, a bold and emotionally charged novel inspired by real-life heartbreak.
2:07
Mary: What began as a song, then evolved into a screenplay, became a work of fiction that explores betrayal, identity loss and the power of choosing yourself.
2:17
Mary: Nikki's here today to talk with us about her story and how it fueled the creative process, her emotional healing and the truths that fiction can reveal.
2:26
Mary: Welcome to no Shrinking Violets, nikki.
2:29
Nikki: Thank you so much for having me.
2:31
Nikki: I am so excited.
2:32
Nikki: In your intro I'm like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, all of that, yes, yes, I want to talk about all of it.
2:39
Mary: It sounded a little familiar, huh.
2:41
Nikki: Oh gosh, yes, Especially the love bombing versus love.
2:44
Nikki: You know that.
2:46
Nikki: That one was yeah, yeah, and sometimes it's hard to to know the distinction.
2:51
Nikki: You know what I mean.
2:52
Nikki: Yes, I, growing up, I learned well, I call it the.
2:58
Nikki: The people call it the honeymoon phase.
3:00
Nikki: I go when you're under the anesthesia, right, yes, but they say, give it six months and you'll know who that person is.
3:08
Nikki: That's what I've always heard, and truth.
3:09
Nikki: People can't hold on to the mask longer than six months usually.
3:14
Mary: Right, and I think that's sort of the amount of time it takes us to maybe recognize that red flags are real red flags.
3:21
Nikki: Yes, but we, as women, six months, we're in that relationship.
3:26
Nikki: Forget the red flags and let's be honest, because it's like, oh, I can deal with that.
3:31
Nikki: Okay, Well, that's kind of cute.
3:33
Nikki: Well, you know, maybe you know we skirt around it, but keep your eyes open for those six months.
3:39
Nikki: Yes, yeah, lay off the anesthesia and pay attention.
3:45
Mary: Right.
3:45
Mary: Okay, so I know that your book is a work of fiction, but could you start by sharing some of the events in your own life that maybe led you to eventually write the novel and I know there were things that came before that too right?
3:58
Nikki: Right, yeah, so it was a song on my first album and then a screenplay.
4:04
Nikki: But I was in an abusive relationship and it wasn't always physical, but it was definitely always emotional.
4:12
Nikki: And you know, it took a very, very long time to get out of that relationship and it all came down to self and I had to ask myself hard questions like whoa, why am I allowing this to happen?
4:30
Nikki: And people that have known me before that relationship always saw me as a strong person.
4:36
Nikki: My dad used to say Nikki, don't take no shit.
4:39
Nikki: So how did I end up in that kind of relationship?
4:43
Nikki: And so it's one.
4:45
Nikki: It's one of those things I call it soul surgery.
4:47
Nikki: You have to just do some soul surgery, pick up the mirror and look at that and ask yourself some really hard questions.
4:55
Nikki: And so that is really what started the song.
5:00
Nikki: But the song, the lyrics, actually are I loved you, I hated you, and now I'm releasing you.
5:05
Nikki: So there's an ending there.
5:08
Nikki: I had to do the release.
5:10
Nikki: So that's kind of the journey behind the book.
5:15
Mary: Yeah, and you know you use the word strong and I think that there are a lot of women that end up kind of saying how the hell did I get here?
5:23
Mary: Because they're not weak.
5:25
Mary: It's sort of like you alluded to in the beginning.
5:28
Mary: It kind of starts slow and ironically, I just sent an email to my email list and I started with I thought it was a carnival, like I saw the red flags- but I thought it was a carnival.
5:39
Mary: And then you realize this is not a carnival.
5:41
Mary: So how did you did it?
5:45
Mary: Did you have some of that along the way, like some a realization, or do you feel like there was like a flashbulb moment where you recognized I need to get away from this situation?
5:56
Nikki: If I'm really going to be honest, brutally honest, all of that didn't matter in the beginning.
6:03
Nikki: It wasn't until we put each other in the hospital that it was like oh yeah, this probably is not a good relationship, and that happened maybe a year or two into the relationship.
6:16
Nikki: But what I'll say for me how I ended up in that situation.
6:22
Nikki: I had just lost my mom.
6:25
Nikki: I had just moved to LA.
6:27
Nikki: I didn't know anybody, I didn't have any family here, I didn't have any support, and there he was right.
6:34
Nikki: He was my only support.
6:36
Nikki: So I'm holding onto him for dear life.
6:39
Nikki: Hence, okay, yes, I saw all the signs.
6:40
Nikki: Hence, okay, yes, I saw all the signs.
6:43
Nikki: I'm like.
6:44
Nikki: And then I'm new, I'm in my 20s, I'm new at adulthood, I'm new in LA, I'm trying to navigate.
6:51
Nikki: I'm a grown girl, I'm a big girl, right, so I can handle this.
6:54
Nikki: This isn't anything.
7:02
Nikki: But you don't realize, I didn't realize I was being beat down.
7:03
Nikki: You know all the times my mom told me I was beautiful and I had this guy telling me I wasn't worth anything.
7:05
Nikki: You know.
7:07
Nikki: So wait what you know.
7:10
Nikki: And it was, it was.
7:12
Nikki: It was difficult when I realized, oh my gosh, I'm latching onto this guy because he's the only person I have, you know.
7:19
Nikki: But I really had myself, and once I figured that out I was like, oh, I'm good, I don't need to be here anymore.
7:27
Nikki: But even that is a journey.
7:30
Nikki: It just really is.
7:31
Nikki: But kudos, when you find that space where okay, I got to go.
7:38
Mary: Did you have people in your life that tried to say, like Nikki, this is not good?
7:45
Nikki: in your life that tried to say, like Nikki, this is not good.
7:47
Nikki: Well, here's what's interesting Now.
7:51
Nikki: My parents were married for 30 plus years until my mom passed away.
7:52
Nikki: So I had a father figure in my life.
7:53
Nikki: But I'll say this my dad wasn't a great person, and so when I, when the first time this guy hit me and I called my dad cause I'm like my dad's six, three and tall he's gonna fly out here and whip this guy's butt, you know and I call my dad and he goes well, that's just what you guys do, you know.
8:10
Nikki: So that didn't help, because then it's like a validation.
8:14
Nikki: But my dad was born in 1932.
8:18
Nikki: So, hitting women and degrading women and let me be very clear he never touched my mom.
8:24
Nikki: I've never seen that in our household.
8:26
Nikki: So that was the other thing that was shocking.
8:28
Nikki: But I did know his first wife.
8:30
Nikki: They used to fight, so hence, well, that's what you all do.
8:35
Nikki: Then I did have one girlfriend that you know.
8:38
Nikki: I'm running to her after every situation and she would give me the best advice and give me her shoulder to cry on, until one day she was like you know, nikki, I really don't want to hear this anymore, because I give you all the advice and you don't take it, and so you want to stay.
8:56
Nikki: And until you don't want to stay, I don't want to hear about it.
9:01
Nikki: And I will say I was just like I wasn't upset with her.
9:05
Nikki: It just kind of, you know, gave me a little ping like, hmm, you know, okay, so she doesn't want to talk about it.
9:12
Nikki: So now I'm stuck with all this mess myself, but that, that's.
9:17
Nikki: Those were the.
9:17
Nikki: Those are the two people in my life.
9:19
Nikki: You know, I reached out to my dad and he's like, yeah, well, that what you want to do.
9:23
Nikki: Then I had the one friend like, yeah, I don't talk about this anymore.
9:25
Nikki: So again, I'm still out on my own island there.
9:29
Nikki: You know what I mean At the end of the day, because I was getting good advice.
9:33
Nikki: But it's one person, one person that is not really related to me.
9:38
Nikki: Like I said, I just moved to LA, so I didn't know her that well, that wasn't my best friend from you know, toddler.
9:58
Nikki: That's like I'm listening to what she says.
9:59
Nikki: I was like, okay, yeah, I love him.
10:02
Nikki: I love him.
10:03
Nikki: He's just so, because when he't even know that was a thing charm, harm, but that is exactly what it is, it's that charm that, oh, baby, I'm not going to do it again.
10:11
Nikki: Oh, and then you know we got to stop doing this, we and you, and they minimize their role, and then, of course, you think it's all you, yeah.
10:23
Mary: Yeah, yeah, it becomes so easy for us to, I think, slip into something where we hear someone say something.
10:29
Mary: And here's the funny thing.
10:31
Mary: I'm guessing along the way, he told you positive things about yourself, right, right, yeah, oh yeah.
10:37
Mary: And we focus in later on the messages of being unworthy, and then we kind of I almost feel like we pull it around ourselves like this blanket and drag it around.
10:50
Mary: And how do you shed that?
10:54
Nikki: Right.
10:54
Nikki: But here's the here's the crazy part.
10:56
Nikki: We're wearing this, I'm not worthy, and and then, and then they turn around and tell you you're, you're it, you're the best thing ever.
11:04
Nikki: It's so confusing and it's really it all comes down to.
11:08
Nikki: You're not grounded with you, so you're just kind of being like, and then you're still stuck on that I love you and you're stuck on what he said that got you there.
11:17
Nikki: That has been gone a long time ago, probably since the first day you met him, yeah, or very early in a relationship, and that's the other thing we hold on to that.
11:27
Nikki: You know my guy at that time I remember we had had a really bad falling out.
11:33
Nikki: It was around Valentine's Day.
11:34
Nikki: I came home from work.
11:36
Nikki: We didn't live together, but he had keys to my apartment.
11:38
Nikki: I came home from work by this time I'm like I'm done, I'm leaving him.
11:42
Nikki: You know I was ready.
11:43
Nikki: Got home, the hallway leading to my bedroom had rose petals all the way down, opened up my bedroom door, balloons, flowers, teddy bears, and when I tell you he could write a mean love card, like you know, you get the hallmark and then he'd add his stuff and it's like, oh my God, like, how do you leave that Right?
12:04
Nikki: We want that every day.
12:06
Nikki: So you, we, we're women, we're nurturers.
12:09
Nikki: That's in there, in him, that's what we want.
12:17
Nikki: So we got to do what we got to do to keep that guy happy.
12:20
Nikki: You know what I mean, yeah, and so you know it's just it's really hard.
12:23
Mary: That's that charm harm, you know.
12:24
Mary: Yeah, and I think it does make it hard because people will often think but I've seen this part of him and it makes it easier to say that the unhealthy part is the anomaly, like oh, that's not, he's having a hard day, or I shouldn't make such a fuss about things, or you know, it know, it just amazes me.
12:46
Mary: And that's why I want to always make sure I talk about the fact that this doesn't make women weak.
12:52
Nikki: There's something.
12:53
Mary: I mean, and even that feeling of when you opened your bedroom and you get this sort of surge of like that's love bombing, but it's like a drug, it really in our brain, that feel good hormone takes over everything and it's like, oh no, it is going to be okay.
13:10
Nikki: Yeah, and then it loops you back into oh, he's back to what he used to be, or we're going back to where we were.
13:15
Nikki: We're going back to what I knew.
13:17
Nikki: This was in there.
13:18
Nikki: I knew he was changing.
13:19
Nikki: I knew, I knew until five minutes later.
13:22
Nikki: I knew I knew until five minutes later.
13:25
Nikki: You know this isn't enough, why?
13:26
Nikki: You know it will trigger it back to that.
13:29
Nikki: You know, I mean, because, truth be told, I remember that moment.
13:31
Nikki: I don't know what happened, but it didn't last long.
13:34
Nikki: Yeah, you know, but look what I remembered out of that, right.
13:38
Mary: Yes, absolutely, absolutely.
13:40
Nikki: And it's real.
13:42
Mary: So I know that, like we said, your book is a novel, so which you know, that means it's fiction.
13:47
Mary: But a lot of times our fiction is based on, you know, themes of things that we've experienced.
13:52
Mary: So do you remember the day you decided I'm going to write a book about this, and what did it feel like to start to put all that into a story?
14:00
Mary: All those feelings?
14:02
Nikki: Well, like I said, it was a song first, so those raw emotions really went into the song.
14:08
Nikki: But as I was listening to the song and we had this conversation about me hearing, when I hear I see like visuals and I'm like I see this as a whole movie.
14:19
Nikki: So I sat down and wrote the screenplay and I fell in love with those characters.
14:26
Nikki: Even though Gabby, the main character, is me, I kind of flipped it.
14:30
Nikki: I didn't put, even though she's in an abusive relationship it's not nearly as hard as the one that I was in.
14:36
Nikki: But I wanted to express the emotions behind it.
14:40
Nikki: But what I really wanted to express was to try and answer the why?
14:46
Nikki: Why did you stay?
14:48
Nikki: Why were you there so long?
14:50
Nikki: You had so many opportunities to leave?
14:52
Nikki: I wanted to answer that and so, ironically, balboa Press actually called me and was like do you have a book ready?
15:00
Nikki: And I'm like I'll turn that screenplay into a novel because I just love that story and that's how that happened.
15:07
Nikki: But yeah, I just I guess my focus has always really been to explain why we stay, because it's really important.
15:17
Nikki: You know, we just went through this whole Diddy Cassie trial and everybody.
15:22
Nikki: She had so many times to leave.
15:24
Nikki: Why did she just and I'm sitting there and want to watch the TV Like you don't understand, you know.
15:29
Nikki: And then let's look at him.
15:30
Nikki: He's got million, billions of dollars, access, her career, her, everything Right.
15:37
Nikki: And I've heard that when he's good he's great.
15:41
Nikki: So you know, we don't know what she's battling on the inside, but it's just so hard it just can't walk out.
15:49
Nikki: So I wanted to tell the story of why we stay, and there's actually a couple scenes where she explains why.
15:59
Nikki: Because this beautiful man comes in, he's ready to take her and whisk her off and treat her like the queen she is, and she's like no, he's like what, what is wrong with you?
16:10
Nikki: So she has to explain it a few times, you know, and he still doesn't get it, because the average person doesn't get it.
16:16
Nikki: You know but I just want to keep having that dialogue that it is not that easy, but it takes six, seven times before you can actually walk away.
16:28
Mary: And that's if you're doing good you know Well, true, true, and you know, I had a guest not that long ago that talked about the financial part of this.
16:37
Mary: You know, and when we talk about, you know famous situations sometimes, or I mean any situation.
16:42
Mary: If a woman gets into a marriage and she isn't working because she's raising kids, whatever, how do you leave when you don't even have a credit card?
16:51
Nikki: Right.
16:51
Mary: You know, and I think we don't think about that part of it Correct.
16:54
Nikki: That's a whole different dynamic right there, because you are left powerless in some senses.
17:01
Nikki: You have no money, and if you didn't have an education, you don't, and they're really good about stripping you from your support system.
17:09
Nikki: So you just have this.
17:11
Nikki: Your role is to take care of them and the kids, and that's it.
17:14
Nikki: Here's your allowance and here's the budget for the house, and you're getting beat up or talked to or whatever crazy.
17:21
Nikki: How do you walk out like that?
17:23
Nikki: Right, there is a different amount of strength to leave, but it it's hard, you know, because people, people well, why don't?
17:30
Nikki: You don't have any friends, you don't have anybody.
17:32
Nikki: You know people, just they don't get it.
17:35
Nikki: It's really a lonely, isolated place, you know.
17:40
Mary: Yeah, and I've heard probably more females say to me I don't understand why she's staying and I almost wonder if that's because we know on some level that could be us someday.
17:54
Nikki: I wonder.
17:54
Nikki: But then I don't, because I think the people that have said it to me or that I've heard say it, that I know personally they're really perplexed.
18:03
Nikki: I would never do it, but you think you would never stay.
18:07
Nikki: You haven't been faced with that situation, so God bless you that you have it and you think you would never stay.
18:10
Nikki: You haven't been faced with that situation, so God bless you that you have it and I hope you never are faced with that.
18:14
Nikki: But I just feel like they just really, because, if I'm honest, I might've been that person too, had I not experienced it.
18:22
Nikki: If you had told little Nikki that I'd be in an abusive relationship, everybody and their mother, father, ancestors, everybody would be like her.
18:33
Nikki: No, not at all.
18:34
Nikki: You couldn't tell me that would happen to me, but it did.
18:37
Mary: Yeah, yeah.
18:39
Mary: So I know how powerful writing is because I'm a writer.
18:41
Mary: So as you went through this process, you wrote your song, which it sounds like that's really closest to your heart is music, and then you did your screenplay and did your book.
18:52
Mary: Did you find like you had layers of healing in that that you didn't anticipate?
18:57
Mary: Did those things really help you?
19:00
Nikki: So I'll say this because I hadn't touched the story in a long time until Balboa reached out.
19:06
Nikki: So a screenplay is way thinner than a book.
19:11
Nikki: You know, I don't have to explain the sweat dripping down somebody's face, I don't have to explain how the breath pattern is going.
19:17
Nikki: So you know, I had to really dump a whole lot more into it and I found that, as I was kind of putting the original stuff in and adding stuff I was getting, I was feeling those old sensations again and instead of going, okay, whatever, that's old, I literally had to sit and go, okay, what's not healed here, and because there's residue, residual stuff left over.
19:47
Nikki: So I had to deal with that.
19:51
Nikki: And one of them ironically, the guy and I have been in touch all these years.
19:57
Nikki: So, yeah, if I told you the whole connection, your mouth would fly open, because it's really a strange situation, really a strange situation.
20:10
Nikki: But after doing that and knowing that he's going to read this book and he's going to know at some point, this is about him, loosely about him, but I was.
20:17
Nikki: You know, it was kind of like you know what, I don't care, this is my story.
20:22
Nikki: And you never apologized, you never owned up to it, and so I've never felt like that before, because even when I wrote the song I was like, well, he probably won't know what's about him.
20:32
Nikki: You know, it's kind of like I don't want him to really know.
20:35
Nikki: But when I did this book I was like, oh, I hope that.
20:39
Nikki: And here's what's funny I'm on Facebook, we're Facebook friends, but his stuff never pops up in my feed.
20:44
Nikki: I don't go on his page.
20:46
Nikki: I haven't liked anything on his stuff and he hasn't liked anything on mine in years.
20:52
Nikki: This book came out, I posted it on Facebook.
20:56
Nikki: He pops up his feed, pops up in my feed all of a sudden and I'm like that's weird.
21:03
Nikki: And then he had the nerve to like the book and I'm like you're dumb, you don't't even know do you really believe he has no idea?
21:13
Nikki: I don't think he does.
21:14
Nikki: I don't think he does, I don't.
21:16
Nikki: I think if he keeps listening to podcast, if he listens to any podcast or he really reads the story, he'll be like, uh-oh, I better not ever say I know her, because they'll be like, oh, it's you, but I really, I really don't think he's so beyond it, if you will.
21:35
Nikki: And he's moved on, of course, and he's had a wife, two wives and kids and all of that.
21:42
Nikki: And you know he's shared with me all his heartbreak through it, which I find very funny.
21:49
Nikki: But karma's great because this last marriage he was in, she literally treated him the way he treated me, and to hear him crying on the phone to me about the stuff she did, I couldn't even say anything because I'm just like, is this really happening?
22:07
Nikki: K kudos, karma Cause this.
22:10
Nikki: Now you know, like she just left him high and dry and just the tears, and I can't believe.
22:16
Nikki: And I'm just sitting here going and you still haven't figured out that everything you're saying to me is everything that you've done to me, you know.
22:24
Nikki: So now we got the book out, so he'll piece it together.
22:29
Mary: Well, Nikki, were you afraid at any point to put all this in writing?
22:34
Nikki: If anything, I'm more afraid now.
22:36
Mary: Yeah.
22:37
Nikki: Because this book is getting a little traction.
22:39
Nikki: Yeah, I don't know how that's going to trigger him, because that relationship was a very long time ago and we don't know how people grow.
22:48
Nikki: He moved to another state and I told you he's had all these other things happen.
22:56
Nikki: I've had a marriage and another child, two kids.
22:59
Nikki: So I don't know him like that, but I know what he is capable of, right, he's come after me with a gun before.
23:06
Nikki: So you know, if anything, I just got goosebumps.
23:10
Nikki: If anything, it's the now, like I don't know what that's going to trigger now, but you know what, at the end of the day, it's my story and I am allowed to tell it.
23:23
Nikki: You will not shut me up again, ever again.
23:26
Nikki: Gun, no gun, just not.
23:27
Nikki: This is my story, you know so.
23:30
Mary: Yeah, you know, and I talk all the time about taking up your space.
23:34
Mary: And wow, talk about taking up your space right, but I you know, I think sometimes we can let that fear stop us.
23:41
Mary: But it's very interesting because to us it feels very big and it is big, but but the fact that you're saying like he doesn't even like connect the dots.
23:50
Mary: So I think sometimes, you know, other people don't see it in the way we do and again, it's a work of fiction.
23:57
Mary: It is not about a person, it's about experiences that you've had and so I think it's just how do you write and create?
24:06
Mary: You have to draw from emotion.
24:08
Mary: So in that case I would say you got this, you're good.
24:13
Mary: But I think even just even that it's sort of I feel like this push and pull of, like you want to push through the fear, because I hear you saying like you want other people to read this and maybe for themselves, somebody they love, but get an understanding or find that space for themselves to say I don't want to stay where.
24:38
Nikki: I am right now Correct yeah.
24:41
Mary: So how would so?
24:42
Mary: Let's say there's people listening right now and they're like, yeah, I always think about this.
24:47
Mary: I know so-and-so was in this relationship.
24:49
Mary: I don't understand Broad strokes.
24:51
Mary: How would you explain to somebody the psychology of a situation where you get kind of stuck in a situation that's abusive?
25:00
Nikki: I always just use my personal example because it has happened when I've been in circles where, you know, especially recently, especially recently, when the whole dating trial was going on and Cassie and I'd be with people and they're like that was just so stupid, I don't know why she stayed like that, like she has so many times they even broke up Like why did she go back?
25:21
Nikki: And then I just tell them my story, my experience.
25:26
Nikki: Look, there's something wrong down there that we haven't healed and we're holding on to it.
25:32
Nikki: You know, I'd love to hear Cassie's real story as to why she needed to hold on to this, because I think it's far more than her career.
25:42
Nikki: Right, I really do, because I've been in this industry 30, I don't want to even say plus years, and I remember someone very famous coming to me asking me to be on their casting couch.
25:57
Nikki: I'm 20 something years old, but my mother had instilled in me that how special I am.
26:04
Nikki: I was appalled Get a career, dude.
26:07
Nikki: I'm out of here.
26:08
Nikki: It's why you don't know me as an artist like that.
26:12
Nikki: Now you know me because it could have been a really big record deal at that moment, but I chose me over my career, you know.
26:21
Nikki: So it's, it's, it's hard, but you know.
26:24
Nikki: And even then, though, explaining people, really, if I'm really honest, a lot of them won't get it unless it happens to them or someone they love.
26:33
Mary: That's very true.
26:34
Nikki: Because they don't want.
26:35
Nikki: I don't think they want to get into that, Because if you understand it that much, you understand it could also be you.
26:43
Nikki: Nobody wants to face that.
26:45
Mary: For real, yeah, and I think when you're in it for a while, then the shame starts.
26:50
Mary: You know, because people say this or we may have I'm sure there are women that have said this.
26:56
Mary: I don't understand dot, dot, dot and then fast forward.
26:59
Mary: It's like the movie, where they fast forward and they're like in the situation like damn, here I am, and I think that is part of it.
27:07
Mary: Then there's this shame about how could I have ever judged?
27:09
Mary: And now are people going to look at me and not help me?
27:14
Nikki: if I ask them Right, right, right, because then you're going to get how could you get yourself in that situation?
27:22
Nikki: Because I got that you can have someone like my dad.
27:24
Nikki: I'm like, well, that's kind of how you guys' relationship works, like I mean, deal with it, you know it's, it's, it's such a I don't even know what kind of situation it is.
27:36
Nikki: But the bottom line for me is I really just want people to understand, with this book, at least a little bit of the why, a little bit of the why.
27:45
Nikki: You know, and like I said when, when all of this was going on with Diddy and I'm in a room, I'm the only one going no, no, no, no, no.
27:55
Nikki: She had a reason, like there was a reason why she stayed, like cause everybody was like that's just so stupid.
27:57
Nikki: She just wanted that money.
27:59
Nikki: And it's like I guarantee you she didn't just want that money.
28:02
Nikki: I guarantee you it.
28:04
Nikki: She, she would throw that money back, and I think she said that after she got the settlement, like to have my life back, he could have all this money.
28:11
Nikki: I don't want that.
28:12
Nikki: So it's just, it's a charm harm.
28:16
Nikki: This guy is so charismatic and making you feel beautiful one minute and making you not look beautiful the next minute by blacking your eyes.
28:26
Nikki: So it's just, it's a hard situation.
28:30
Mary: Well, and I think you know, in that situation especially, there were people shocked when this came out right, because they cultivate a celebrity persona.
28:40
Mary: They have a lot of money to shut down things that aren't so then you have even more like what they did, what so?
28:48
Mary: I think you know there's that part of it too.
28:50
Mary: But, so there's one thing I want to ask you, and this was one of you.
28:54
Mary: You did a little question suggestions.
28:56
Nikki: Right.
28:57
Mary: And I love this one because I want to see how you answer this.
28:59
Mary: So, what is choosing yourself actually look like in real life, not in theory.
29:08
Nikki: Choosing myself really meant that I had to walk away from that relationship, and what that meant, what the scary part of it was, was that I was going to be by myself doing this because I didn't have that support system, you know.
29:30
Nikki: But again, I had to sit there and go why?
29:34
Nikki: And that's when I realized, ok, I didn't have my mama, I didn't know this place and I clung to him.
29:42
Nikki: But then, as I kept going in through the years because it's a process Over the years I just kept going back to it.
29:51
Nikki: And then there's the childhood trauma, right.
29:54
Nikki: So, as you can see from my father's answer, I never felt worthy, I never felt protected, I never felt safe.
30:03
Nikki: And this guy offered that in the beginning it was something new, something I had never had.
30:09
Nikki: My father never told me how beautiful I was.
30:12
Nikki: My father never told me how smart I was.
30:14
Nikki: This guy was saying all those things you know so well, and I've never seen my dad bring my mom flowers and definitely not rose petals through to the bedroom, like you understand.
30:27
Nikki: So I had to dissect and go okay, something's broken somewhere way down in here that I need to heal.
30:35
Nikki: And, at the end of the day, choosing self meant I had to look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am and how worthy and deserving I am.
30:48
Nikki: And, if I'm honest, it was really hard to look in the mirror.
30:52
Nikki: I never thought that could be, but I didn't realize.
30:56
Nikki: I hadn't even looked in the mirror in a long time.
30:58
Nikki: So trying to look at it at this point was hard.
31:01
Nikki: And then to look at it and say I'm beautiful, when I've just been told for seven, eight years that I'm not, that I'm not worthy, and then I have no anchor from the man that should have anchored me, telling you that I had to figure this out myself.
31:17
Nikki: And then, just like I said, do that soul surgery and go okay, you are beautiful.
31:22
Nikki: And I literally had to talk myself into it, because if you say something long enough, good or bad, you're going to start believing it.
31:28
Nikki: So that's really what I had to do is just keep telling myself you're awesome, you're beautiful.
31:33
Nikki: And I had to keep.
31:34
Nikki: And it was really sad, if I'm honest, like I'd get to the mirror and say that and it just felt so weird.
31:40
Nikki: And then, you know, I even got to the point where I was like give yourself a kiss, tell yourself you love each other, you love yourself.
31:48
Nikki: And that's hard, because the first time I did it it sounds so silly, right, but it is really hard if you're sitting in that chair to kiss yourself and tell yourself you love you.
31:59
Nikki: It was so weird.
32:01
Nikki: It was so weird but that's what I had to do to choose me.
32:07
Nikki: And then now I choose me so much, I have such strict boundaries, it's really hard to orbit my circle because it's like you know, I love me so much, I'm in love with me.
32:19
Nikki: I just and not in the arrogance, it's just like I just, I love me, I just do.
32:23
Nikki: I think I'm an awesome person, I think I'm a very kind person, I think I'm a great mom.
32:28
Nikki: Like, yeah, yeah, if you you got to bring some, you have to add to me.
32:34
Nikki: If you don't bring anything and you're just here to take, you can't come in.
32:38
Nikki: So that's it in a nutshell.
32:42
Mary: Well, you talked about.
32:44
Mary: You know things deep down that we come from childhood with, and that's where life gives you the mirror.
32:50
Mary: Oh yeah, look where you are now.
32:52
Mary: You wouldn't maybe be this woman that's taking up this space and literally using your voice because you're?
32:59
Mary: a singer right and using your voice as an author and all of those things that healed things that you didn't.
33:06
Mary: I mean, kind of like I said in the beginning, you didn't really know the depth of them till you were in it and then like, oh, I got to do something to heal this, and you did.
33:16
Nikki: Yeah, what a journey, though, and it is a journey, but I also I am thankful for the journey.
33:24
Nikki: I really am.
33:25
Nikki: It was horrible.
33:26
Nikki: Don't want to do it again.
33:28
Nikki: If God said, will you repeat chapter no, sorry, respectfully no, respectfully no.
33:35
Nikki: But if I can say one thing, it shaped me, you know, in some ways, to be this person taking this space, and I'm grateful for that, because I now have and I have a nonprofit and I have women that talk to me about this stuff all the time.
33:52
Nikki: How did you and just to find that I'm giving someone strength, even if it's strength just to make it another second forget the day, because sometimes you just need to get through this moment.
34:04
Nikki: So if I can help someone get through a moment, an hour, a day, a month, whatever it is, I'm thankful.
34:14
Nikki: But I couldn't do it had I not had that.
34:18
Mary: Yeah, and it does help women.
34:19
Mary: I know that from what I hear from them from this podcast, the stories they might not be ready yet for whatever the situation, because I talk about a lot of things, but I think the more you hear oh, that person made it through and that person is okay I think that gives the next person it helps I don't want to say gives them courage, because we all have it.
34:39
Mary: We just it's buried, we just have to figure it out.
34:43
Nikki: Yes.
34:44
Mary: I'm going to give you a second to tell us where to find you and all the things you do.
34:46
Mary: But before you you mentioned a movie.
34:49
Mary: So if you got a call and they said hey, we're going to make your screenplay into a movie, we'll say that the heroine is sort of you.
34:58
Mary: Who would you want to play that part?
35:00
Nikki: Well, I wrote, I am her, I am Gabby and, yeah, it's me.
35:08
Mary: You would play the part oh yeah, definitely yeah.
35:11
Mary: Any co-star ideas?
35:14
Nikki: Absolutely so when I wrote this.
35:15
Nikki: When I write screenplays, I always have people in mind, because that way it gives it a better voice when I'm writing it.
35:21
Nikki: So, morris Chestnut, the actor would be Bobby, the one that would try to save her life, and Tyrese Gibson would be Goff, the guy that's just not nice to her.
35:34
Mary: Oh Well, I'm going to put energy out there, because, that would be fabulous.
35:40
Nikki: Yes.
35:41
Mary: To see that happen.
35:42
Nikki: And then and I did that too because someone said to me those are two fine men I'm like exactly, because audiences will be like how is she going to leave all of this?
35:52
Nikki: You know what I'm saying?
35:53
Nikki: Yep, that's the point.
35:54
Nikki: We want it to be so like yeah, girl, we get you, because he is the whole deal.
36:00
Nikki: He might want to stay in there a little longer.
36:03
Nikki: I just kind of wanted to use that to kind of anchor the why.
36:09
Mary: Yeah, visually, very visually, okay.
36:14
Mary: Well, thank you so much for talking to me.
36:16
Mary: I loved this conversation.
36:18
Mary: Tell us about all what you do and where people can find you, and then I'll put it in the show notes.
36:22
Nikki: Okay, well, you can find me at officialnickialancom, that's N-I-K-K-I-A-L-L-E-N and, like I said, I have a nonprofit called Strikeout, so you'll find out information about what I do there.
36:37
Nikki: I have a retail store called the Empress Company.
36:39
Nikki: You'll find that there.
36:41
Nikki: You'll find my books, there You'll find all the movies and films and commercials I've worked on there and, of course, my music.
36:49
Mary: Yeah Well, you have a beautiful spirit, so again thank you for sharing your story.
36:54
Nikki: Thank you so much for having me.
36:55
Nikki: This was great Sure and I want to thank everyone for listening story.
36:56
Mary: Thank you so much for having me.
36:57
Mary: This was great Sure and I want to thank everyone for listening.
36:59
Mary: Please forward this episode to anyone who was on your mind as you were listening and, if Nikki's message resonated with you, let this be your encouragement to take a first step in standing on your own path.
37:12
Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.
37:22
Mary: Thank you.