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Transcript

My journey with honesty · An ASMR Practice

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Alright, as promised on the blog, I am sharing a
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: story about my journey with honesty. So, one second, let
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: me just fill the water. I gotta get the coffee going.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: You just don't even understand what I'm going through.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: You just don't even understand what I'm going through.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: So, where do I begin? Where does the honesty story begin?
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: I'll say this. I had a friend, and.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I.
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Let's just say my mother... My mother.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Warned me that this girl was a pathological liar. That's
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: what my mom said. My mom be saying a lot, though.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest. I mean.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: Well, at the same time, she also is not saying
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: very much. She is not reaching out so much. And
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: that's okay. I forgive her.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Um....
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: You know.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I think she's, like, a very active participant in, like,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: the lives of her grandchildren.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: You know, this is what, like, grandmas do.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: They, like... They, like, try to make up for all
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: the mistakes they did.
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to... Hold on. I don't know why I'm
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: doing all this.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Ugh.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: I gotta do laundry. Oh, my bad. They try to
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: make up.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Mothers try to make up for, like, all the stuff
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: they did wrong with their kids by, like, just.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: doing a lot.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: For their grandkids, so, you know, and at first it
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: was kind of taking me off, because I was like,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: where was this energy?
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: Where was this energy, girl? Um, and, uh, I don't know. Ultimately,
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: I think I didn't really mind, like, being a.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Neglected child, like, personally, because, like, my house was the
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: party house, you know what I'm saying?
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: I mean, we didn't do anything too crazy, we didn't have, like,
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: a lot of money or a lot of space, but we.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Had pretty much freedom you know what I'm saying ooh okay.
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: I'm putting on a skirt my mom gave me see
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: my mom doesn't believe in like.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Returning things so she'll like buy something and then it's
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: like not her size but it ends up being my
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: size and so then I end up getting it she's
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: like not into returning things for whatever reason I think
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: it's just like it's just too much it's just too
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: much to do So now I have a cute little skirt.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I might wear this to the club later. I'm trying
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: to dance.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: It's Friday. I'm trying to dance. I had dinner plans.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: Bro canceled all my dinner plans.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I was like, whatever, dude. Well, no, no, no.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: He's actually... I believe him.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I do believe him. I think he's in a lot
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: of pain. And....
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: Why would he lie? Like, why would he lie? I
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: trust this guy. I trust this guy with my life.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: He's a.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: He used to live in Salem. He used to live
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: in Salem. And so every time I've ever been to Salem,
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: I'm like hitting this guy up.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Like, where am I going?
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: Where should I go?
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: And Oh, funny story about this guy. I, the printer
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: at my mom's house was not working correctly. And I was,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: I was printing out resumes during COVID to try to
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: get a job because I was taking a term off
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: of school. Because I was just, I was like, I
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: cannot do online school.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: This is stupid.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Like, this is a waste of money. This is a
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: waste of time. And ultimately, I had enough credits from
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: high school that I was like, I'm going to get
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: this taken care of.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: And I'm just going to be down a term. And
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: I'm going to graduate on time. And that's exactly what
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: I fucking did. That's exactly what I did, girl. So
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: I graduated with all my class, right? Took a turn
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: off during COVID.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I printed out my resume with my mom's shitty printer
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: that was running out of ink. And so it came out.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: The font was in pink. Or I think I maybe
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: had to adjust it. Like I saw that there was
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: red ink. And so I was like, whatever.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Pink ink.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Pink ink. So I go to the certain penguin environment.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: This place is very relevant to my family history, believe
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: it or not. They like cater everything we've ever done.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: And, you know, some people I knew got engaged there.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, there's a certain candy bar I have
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: in the fridge that reminds me of someone.
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: And every time I see it, I'm like.
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: I will not be elaborating further. But I'm really excited
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: to eat it at one point. But I'm like, I
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: want to savor it.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Because it brings me joy every time I see it,
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: I'm like, mmm. It kind of reminds me of a
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: couple people, actually. Listen, it takes a lot to inspire
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: me these days. Just kidding, that's literally not even true.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: Girls go to bars to get more candy bars.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Me?
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: I went to Florida. I went to Florida. I crashed,
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: I crashed a family, a family occasion. All right, this
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: was a story about honesty. Anyways, I gave this Salem
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: guy my freaking pink resume. And he took one look
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: at it and he was like, he was like, I'm
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: giving it to the owner. He's like, you're going to
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: work here, I promise. Something like that. Like, I just knew,
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: I just knew.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: I knew by his face. Because at first I was
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: like feeling a little insecure. I was like, this is
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: kind of weird that I'm giving a pink resume. I
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: was like, sorry, guys, my printer's not, like, working. I
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: was like, but I have a lot of experience.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: And also, it's like, dude, I was getting paid, like, nothing.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Anyways.
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: It was a good job, though. I really love those people.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Shout out.
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: Shout out, Jalen, if you're listening.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I know you're not. You're, like, super busy, girl. You're...
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: You're busy in the best freaking way. Dude, I'm following
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: this girl and like... Or this person.
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: I guess I don't know. I would say girl. They
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: called us the giggle girls. They called us the giggle girls.
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: Because we just... We could not help ourselves. We could
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: not help ourselves. We were just giggling non-stop.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: And the boys were so pissed. Because they were trying
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: to be in a bad mood so fucking bad. They
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: were trying to be little grumpy heads. So freaking bad.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: And I was like, and we were just, everything was funny.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Everything was funny. Everything was an innuendo. And we were
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: just giggling nonstop. And we were the giggle girls.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: And get over it. How about that? I miss it.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: I miss it. I love working in the kitchen.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: I really do.
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: I was speaking to my old kitchen co-worker last night.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: I love this guy.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I really love this guy a lot. He was like,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: he was like, I want to listen to your podcast,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: but it's making me download an app.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: I was like, download the freaking app, dork. Like, what
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: do you want? I was like, it's available on all.
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: I listed off. I went to my email. I found
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: all the platforms. I was like, it's available on all
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: these platforms. You don't have any of these?
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: He's like, no.
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: I was like, dude, then download one. Like, I don't
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: know what to tell you. I was like, I'm not
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: forcing you to listen to it. But if you want
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: to listen to it, how hard is it to download
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: an app? Like, be so freaking for real. Okay, so
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: what was I even saying? Salem.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Honesty. Honesty.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: Okay, so this relates to Montreal.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: The first time I went to Montreal alone, okay, I
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: was dating this freaking guy. We were freaking long distance
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: and it freaking sucked. And it's kind of my fault.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I will say it's kind of my fault because he,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: there was a girl, okay. who was the girlfriend.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: Of his roommate at the time, okay? And I don't
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: remember her name. She had an Australian Shepherd. And I
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: really liked her dog.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: And I think I was like, this guy was older than.
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: Me by kind of a lot.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: And I.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: Didn't want to date him.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Like I told him, I was like, I'm not trying
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: to date you. I was like, I'm going to college.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I don't have time for this. I'm not into dating,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: to be honest. And, like, you know, like, I was
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: very upfront about the fact that I had, like, commitment
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: issues or whatever. And I was, and it's not even
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: that I had commitment issues. It's just, like, I'm not
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: trying to date a boy from Arkansas right now. Like,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I gotta go. I literally gotta go to Vermont. Like,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: they're begging. They're literally begging and sending me so much money.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: You wouldn't even believe how much money if I told you.
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: It's like a lot. It's like I could have bought
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: a house with that shit. But instead I have a degree.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: Don't ask me what it's in.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I don't want to talk.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: About it anymore. Depends on the resume I'm writing.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: I
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: only include... I only say things that I did actually study.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Okay?
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: I studied a lot. It's complicated.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Um, but yeah, so I'm dating this older guy and
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: the girlfriend of his roommate.
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: Warned him, like they went out drinking and.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: And she was like this girl is trouble and she's
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: gonna go away and she's gonna forget all about you
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: and she's gonna be gallivanting around with other dudes and
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: and he she tried to warn him and then he
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: comes to me wait he comes to me and he's crying.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: She said that you're gonna forget all about me mind.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: You how this relationship started is we were at the
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: freaking greek restaurant okay it was called i don't know
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: i can picture it in my head though i think
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: it's still there it's on college i think it's called
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: like little greek i think this might be what it's.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: Called i'm not sure We went to the freaking Greek restaurant.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: He was my ride. He was literally my ride.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: You know, and... And, yeah, I mean, I guess if
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to date him, I probably shouldn't have
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: been going out to dinner with him. I think that's
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: probably the lesson that I've learned from this. Or when
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: he screamed at me, I should have fucking screamed back, actually.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: Because he just starts.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: He just, I mean, in my memory at least, He
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: immediately starts by screaming.
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: Like it didn't like build up to a scream. Maybe, maybe,
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: maybe it built up.
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Maybe he asked me. He's like, so you're really just
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: going to college? But then he's like screaming. He's screaming
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: in the Greek restaurant, dude.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: He's like, you're just going to go to college and
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: forget all about me? It's like the first time.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And then he starts crying. And then it's the first
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: time I've ever seen a man cry. And I'm like,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I'm 18. I'm 18 and I need to go to
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: college so freaking bad, dude.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: And I told you.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I literally freaking told you I didn't want to date you.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: It was like one of the first things I said.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: I said I'm not looking for anything serious right.
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: Now, guy. Oh my god. I was like a glaring
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: red flag. I was in high school.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: I was just doing way too much. I was doing
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: simply way too much. I was, like, taking a college class.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I talked about this recently. I was taking a college
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: class to avoid having to take, like, a necessary credit
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: in my high school because I just didn't like the teacher.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I was also working a full-time job in addition to
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: taking a college class and being a high school student
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: to avoid having to interact with my mother at home
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: because she was, like, mad at me about some stuff.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: It was, like, one of those things. She was like,
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: you're just like your father.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm out of here. I'm literally
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: working at IHOP, like, I don't want to talk to you.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: And then I was just, like, crashing whoever's house. Like,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: you know. And, you know, I think it sort of became, like, yeah,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I guess I was crashing at this guy's house quite
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: a bit. And because my mom was just, like, she
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: was having an intense reaction to something that was just
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: simply not that serious.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: Like, it just really wasn't it. And now I can
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: see she was probably grieving or whatever. But it's really
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: not that big of a deal. It's really, really not.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: And it's like I was 18. I'm a freaking adult.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Let me suffer my consequences. This is my biggest beef
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: with parents. Natural consequences are so fucking important. People are
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: trying to prevent me from getting.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: In trouble all the time. People are intervening. Don't get
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: in trouble. You don't want to get in trouble.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, I need to be punished or I'm
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: never going to fucking learn.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: Don't get me wrong. I prefer to be praised. I
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: prefer to be praised. I get this a lot. And
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: look where we've come.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: Praise is, you know, it's awesome.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: And I don't know how to interact with people who
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: like haven't been praised a lot and as a result
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: have self-esteem issues.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: Like I really don't. It makes me deeply uncomfortable. To
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: be around these people sometimes. And I'm sorry. If that's you.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: It just. It makes me want to just be a
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: shell of a person. Because I'm just like. If I
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: talk about myself.
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: It's going to hurt you. Because you're going to. I
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: don't know.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: It makes me uncomfortable. Fortunately. A lot of people are
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: pretty narcissistic these days.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: And.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: I'm rocking with that.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: And so this guy. Uh. I'm a red flag. I
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: don't even want to tell you all the things that
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: I was doing. I'll say this. I'll say this. He
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: had just some loose pills on his bedside table.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: And, you know, I.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: Became familiar with pills for various reasons.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: And... I looked at it from across the room, the pill,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: and I guessed exactly what it was and the milligrams.
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: And he looked at me like horrified. He was like,
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: how did you know? I was like, don't worry about it. Literally,
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: don't worry about it.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Because I'm a freaking doctor or something. We got the
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: French press, baby. Hoping this will like silence my appetite
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: or something.
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: Cause I'm so hungry that I just can't even cook.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: What the heck am I supposed to eat?
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Ooh.
• 15:47
  Speaker 4: Yummy.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: Little pumpkin treat. Little pumpkin treat.
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: So I'm not drinking coffee on an empty stomach. I'm
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: getting a little pumpkin treat. I love these.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: Shout out the food pantry. Everything else in the cabinet
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: freaking sucks right now. We have every Asian vinegar, powder.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: We have all these stuff. I don't even know what
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: to do with them.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: We have mac and cheese. We have ramen. We have soup. Honestly,
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: I might eat these. I combined some goji berries and
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: seeds into a bag. I might eat this. We got dates.
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: We got dates. I mean, there's some good stuff here.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: I just like, I gotta figure it out. I'm not ready.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: I'm not ready to cook. This is my biggest beef. Ooh, wait,
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: we might have like a fruit.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah. We got fruit.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: So yeah.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: This guy's crying in the Greek restaurant. And I'm like, bruh.
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: And ultimately, I'm scanning the scene. I'm looking around. Everyone's
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: looking at me, like, scared.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I would say.
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: That's how I would guess. Like, he's giving school shooter vibes.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie.
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: He's being extremely testy. And I'm, like, an anorexic teenager.
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: So I'm like, I don't know what I'm supposed to
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: do about this. So I just... And then, you know,
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: I look around the restaurant. Everybody's scared. I'm like, oh.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: No.
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: And I look outside and I'm like, shit. I drove
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: here with him. You know, I'm pretty sure.
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: I don't know. My brother might have still been in town.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: I want to say my brother was moved away. He
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: flew the freaking coop.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Um....
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: For good reason.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: And I think it was a very good decision actually.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: And my mom. I'm not on really like speaking terms
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: with my mom at this point.
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: And I don't really have. I probably could have called
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: like an aunt or an uncle or something. But I didn't.
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: I'm looking around. I'm trying to make a fast decision. Okay.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: And I'm like.
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: Okay, so I just agreed. I was like, listen, we
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: can date. We can date. We can do long distance, whatever.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: You know, and I probably said it kind of like that,
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: you know? Just like, whatever. Like, I wasn't like, oh,
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: I'm so happy to date you. It was like, yeah, sure, dude.
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: Just calm down.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: Like, you're scaring the hoes right now. Like, in the
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: Greek restaurant. Why are you scaring the Greek restaurant hoes
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: right now? I'm like making eye contact with the freaking.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: The freaking front desk guy. And he's like. He's like scared.
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: And then like all the couples that are there.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: All just scared. Which by the way I'm cutting right
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: now with a knife.
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: And every time like a man in a restaurant sees
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: me cutting. They're like this is not how you cut girl.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: You're going to cut yourself. Literally shut up. Literally shut up.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: I'm doing just fine. I don't even think I've ever
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: cut myself. In a kitchen environment with a knife. I
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: have I have cheese.
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: Grated my finger. Really bad ones. Really really bad. Like.
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: It took a whole chunk out of my thingy. That
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: was not good.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: But ultimately. This shit grows back. It's not a big deal.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Maybe I did cut myself once. I feel like with like.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Various kinds of like. alternative cutting tools is usually how
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: I get cut. I'm pretty good at using a knife.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: The men, the fucking men in the kitchen love to be, like,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: worried about me. I'm like, get out of here, dude.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: Literally, get out of here. That's probably not what I say.
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: I probably am like, eh, show me. I'm like, let's
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: waste time. Show me.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: And so, yeah.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: Honesty.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: And so, my mother planted seeds of pathological lying into
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: my head. Because I had my best friend, and she's, like,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: talking shit about my best friend. Like, she's a pathological liar.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, that's my best friend.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: Like, if she's a pathological liar, so am I. Like,
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: and so then, my mom tells me this. And I'm
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: immediately Googling pathological liar.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: And I'm immediately kind of like, I think I understand
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: why someone would do this. You know?
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: And it just opened... It opened my universe. It opened
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: my universe quite a lot. And I was like pathologic... Lying.
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: Lying.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: Like they teach you. Right?
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: It's like.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: One of the main things you're not supposed to do.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: Right? But....
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: That's just what they say. Like, that's literally just what
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: they say.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: And who are they, you might ask? People who want
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: you to be extremely, like, submissive and controllable, I would say.
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: Like, the system.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: People trying to control you. That's what they say. They're like,
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: don't lie.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Don't lie. Don't lie. Because if you lie, then it's
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: harder for them to.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: Control you. I would say. Like your parents. They're like,
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: don't lie.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: Because, like, they want to know what's going on. But
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: if they know what's going on, they might intervene. So,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: you know, there's pros and cons. And they also might
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: not intervene. You might tell them and they might not care. Unfortunately,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: they might be just really busy at work. It would
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: seem a lot of parents are like this. I don't know,
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: maybe not. Maybe that's a unique experience. And so I
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: just didn't really care so much about the truth. And okay,
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: so there's another example of like this time. In, I
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: don't know, I think it was middle school, which like
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: adds to the absurdity of it all. It's like, someone
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: came up to me and they were like, I heard
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: you're doing crack. Mind you, I'm like a three-sport athlete.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: At the time.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: I have straight A's.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: And so I looked at this person, I'm like, yeah,
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: I do crack, whatever, I don't even care. Y'all are
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: so stupid.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Like, why are y'all even saying this? And so.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: That's sort of.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: My take. It's like....
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: Cause what?
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: I'm supposed to defend myself against the crack allegations? Really?
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: I was, like, 12. I was a three-sport athlete. Can anybody, like,
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: leave me alone? Like....
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Ow. And so....
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: They're leaving me alone actually quite good. I think that's
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: why I coughed. Because actually I think people are letting
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: me cook in a big way.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: Wait.
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: No more apple, it's coffee time. You can smell the.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Cream.
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: Just in case, I'm not reading shit. So yeah, I
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: think I didn't really care about honesty.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: And so I got caught in some lies with this
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: partner of mine. You know, he, like, screamed at me
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: at the Greek restaurant, so now we're dating. And I
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: probably should have, like, once we got back, I probably
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: should have been like, hey, like, I only said that
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: because I was scared for my.
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: Life and I just didn't really have a ride home. But,
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: you know, that doesn't make me look extremely well.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: And ultimately, I was like, because it was like he softened.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: I agreed to be his girlfriend and it was like everything,
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: he calmed down. You know, it....
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: And I was like, okay, maybe.
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: I was like, why not try? We could try. This
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: might be my husband.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: Who knows?
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: He was handsome. I mean, I liked his beard a lot.
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: He had a really great beard. And, um, just one
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: more apple. Don't even worry about it. Where am I
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: going to sit?
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to go outside. Carlos has just vanished. He's, like,
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: just crying. As soon as he hears me stir in
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: the morning, he's, like, just crying. He's like, I need
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: to go outside, mother. And I'm just like, can I
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: have a second? Oh, my God. This is why I
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: can't have kids, dude. They're going to be crying in
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: the night. I'm going to be, like, freaking out in
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: a big way. Um, and so, yeah, I don't remember
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: what I just said, but basically, I just didn't really
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: care about honesty all that much, you know, and so, flash,
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: fast forward to long weekend, my first long weekend at college,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: I've already been to Montreal once, but I'm going back,
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: I'm going back, because I just love it, I love
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: it there, I'm obsessed. I really do dang I really
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: want to go back it's just so I don't know
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: I mean I've been so many times at this point
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: with like so many different people like okay but this
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: was the time I went alone and I literally got
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: offered to carpool with some girls from my college but
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: I I was I was being way too speedy about
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: my plans and I ended up booking a bus ticket
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: And so then I was like, I was like, OK,
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: I at least I was like, listen, girls, I really
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: I think I need the experience of taking the bus
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: over the border. And I was like, I will probably
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: come back to campus with y'all. And I did. And
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: we listened to the Lord album. I want to say
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: I want to say it was melodrama. I could be wrong.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: We listened to a Lorde album, and it was life-changing.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: And I was so exhausted, because I was just up
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: to no good the entire time I was there. I mean,
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: it really wasn't that bad. I think my first trip
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: was way more devious. Way more. Carlos! I just heard him, like,
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: meow really loud, as if he's in pain. Carlos! Carlos!
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. This is rare. This is rare that
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: this happens. I might have to go investigate. Hope he's
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: not hurt. God. Oh my gosh. That is not my cat.
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: That's a different cat.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: They better not have got my fucking cat.
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: Carlos!
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: That's probably the cat that took his eye out.
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: There's a bunch of cats.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, there he is.
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: Carlos!
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: Come here! Carlito! Bandito! I scared your enemy away. I
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: used to fucking throw rocks at this cat because it
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: was always harassing my cat. It would be, like, on sight.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: This cat would see my cat and he would, like, run.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: And I saw it once and I started throwing rocks
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: at the motherfucker. I was like, get out of here.
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: That's my sign.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: That's my literal sign. Um....
• 30:03
  Speaker 4: Ah.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: Hi. Were you getting stalked? Ugh. That cat is very large. Aw.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: He's laying down. He's having concrete time now. Beautiful fall day. Okay,
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: so I'm in Montreal. I'm taking the bus because I've
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: already booked the ticket. The girlies are like, you should
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: drive with us. I was like, no girls, I got
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: to take the bus. I got to have this experience.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: And so I have to take a different bus, like
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: a shuttle to freaking Manchester, Vermont. And there's like this
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: diner that I like chilled in for a long time.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I was like just reading my book and writing and
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Because I was looking forward to just like reading and writing,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: like using that time. Because on a bus, I feel
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: like you have a lot of space, you know, usually.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Depends where you are. I mean, in Vermont, like not
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: a lot of people are on the bus. I'm pretty
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: sure I was like one of like three. And so
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: I had found this book. It was like on display.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Somebody curated this. it was on display at the library,
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: and it spoke to me, and it was, I have
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: no idea what it's called, but it was about honesty,
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: and I saw it, and I was like, you know, because, yeah,
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: I got caught in a bunch of lies with my partner, right,
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: and like, my ex-partner, and he was just like, always
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: calling me a liar, and my mom was always calling
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: me a liar, and my mom was always calling my
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: friends liars, and it's like, what the actual heck, guys, like,
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: How am I supposed to believe myself if nobody believes me?
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: And I think that's the whole point. I think that's
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: the whole point of, like, what we do to young
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: girls is just, like, just perpetually trying to make them
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: not believe themselves and not believe in themselves and just
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: trying to make them as insecure as possible so that they, like,
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. Why are we doing that, guys?
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: Can we stop? Let's do better, guys. Oh, my God. Ugh.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: And so I found this book on Odyssey. It was
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: on the table end at the library at my college.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, somebody curated this. I took it.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: I checked it out. This was the book I had
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: for my second trip to Montreal, which I was traveling
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: to Montreal alone on the bus. And I remember I
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: had to wait at the freaking diner for, like, way
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: too long. Because it just, the bus didn't really make sense. Like,
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: they don't really have a lot of buses. There's just
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: not a lot of people using the buses. Or there
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: wasn't at the time. And so it's, like, I was,
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: I knew going into it, I was, like, I'm going
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: to have to chill at this freaking cafe for, like,
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: six hours or something. And ultimately, I was, like, whatever. Um...
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: I don't even know if you'd call it a cafe.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like just a restaurant. It's like an
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: American restaurant.
• 33:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: And so I'm reading this book for hours about honesty
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: and it clicked. It clicked to me at some point.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: I like something about it convinced me. I was like, OK,
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: maybe honesty serves a purpose. Right. And I texted my partner.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: I was like, you'll never believe this. I think I
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: just got convinced that honesty is valid. And how do
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: you think he responded to that? Audience, how do you
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: think he responded to that? Let me tell you, wasn't good,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: wasn't nice. He freaked out. He absolutely freaked out. He's like,
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: why do you have to read a book? I've been
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: telling you this. And I'm like, bro. You're not convincing
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: to me. I don't know what to tell you. You
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: low-key manipulated me into this relationship, kind of. You yelled
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: at me in public and publicly humiliated me into this relationship.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: After I told you repeatedly I didn't want to be
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: in a relationship, you're, like, way older than me. Why
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: are you trying to date an 18-year-old? This is kind
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: of sus. And it's not only that. Like, I met
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: his family. And his family was fine. He had an
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: issue with them, but I... At the time, I think
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: it might be better now, perhaps. I hope. I should
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: have put honey in my coffee. Which, that's funny. I
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: think he was actually the one who taught me about
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: the honey in the coffee. And at the time, I
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: was like, no, girl, I'm anorexic. Please do not be
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: putting real sugar in my coffee. But now I'm like, actually, this... Alright.
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: We're gonna pour some honey out for my ex.
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: Because I do forgive him.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: I think he must have been extremely troubled to be
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: begging someone to, like, be.
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: In a relationship with him. Like, that's pretty, like, not normal.
• 35:16
  Speaker 3: And also to be dating someone, like, that much younger than.
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: You, like... And it's not just that he was dating,
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: because it's like, I was pretty, like.
• 35:29
  Speaker 3: No, no, I'm not even going to say all that.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: It wasn't the first time he had done it. and
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't ask for this information and he gave it
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: willingly so whatever I liked his beard that's all I
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: can say I liked.
• 35:47
  Speaker 3: His beard I remember one of the first things I
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: said to him this is kind of problematic.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: Because I think he was probably like being insecure or.
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: Something I was like, no, dude, you're handsome. I was like,
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: you got like a racially ambiguous kind of thing that
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: I like. I was like, what are you? I can't tell.
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: Where are you from? He was like, I'm from here.
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: I was like, oh, okay. I was like, but what
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: are you?
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: Which is probably problematic. Oh my gosh, sue me, guys.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: Literally sue me. DEI is on my case right now.
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: God forbid I like a freaking beard. But, yeah, I
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: don't know.
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: Because I think I was.
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: I was honestly probably just looking at him trying to, like,
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: do the math. I was, like, doing the calculations, like,
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: what is this guy? I was 18. Like, forgive me. Oh,
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: my gosh. I don't think I had ever... Okay, I
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: gotta stop talking about this. It's just gonna get worse.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: I know what he is now. I figured it out.
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: It should have been obvious, but I didn't know anything
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: about anything at the time. Like, it should have been obvious.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: And also, I should have just, like, Googled his name.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: This is a skill my aunt taught me later. Because
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: there was a certain professor. I was on, like, a
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: Zoom call at her house with a certain professor. Well,
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: there were two examples of this. And she'd be, like,
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: she'd be, like, analyzing their voice. Like, what is this
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: voice from? And I remember one of the professors, she
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: had me Google the, like, name origin. And the other one,
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: I told her the name, and she was like, oh,
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: I know what that is. I think it's okay to, like,
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: be curious about someone's freaking origins i i mean come
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: on guys it's our literal names like our names are
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: usually like kind of indicative of our origins and like
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: i mean my name is a little tricky because my
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: dad was freaking adopted very young and so he doesn't
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: have the name of like his blood family but i
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: mean he was adopted by a kind of blood is
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: my understanding But anyways, honesty. So I read the book.
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: I was feeling so proud. It was like a revolutionary
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: moment in my psyche where I was like, oh, maybe
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: I should be honest. I was like, OK, OK, OK.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: I see what he's saying. I see why he's always
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: on my goddamn case about this. And but then he
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: reacted like extremely negatively. And he was basically calling me evil.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: He was like, the fact that you had to read
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: a book to learn the value of honesty is like
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: really reflective of like, you are a bad person. And
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: I was like, what? I was like, but I read
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: the book. Like I literally did the read. I, I
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: understood that we were not connecting on this point. I
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: saw a book that was related to the topic. I
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: checked it out from the library. I dragged it to
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: freaking Manchester. And like, I'm sitting in this cafe. I'm
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: reading this freaking book for hours trying to resolve this
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: issue in this freaking relationship that I didn't even want.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: And he's like, you're a bad person because you had
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: to read a.
• 39:30
  Speaker 3: Book what.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: What you guys and so I recently I just like
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: published on my blog if anybody even freaking cares um
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: it's it's at sapphire s-a-f-f-i-r-e wait no that's no it's
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: at saffy duck okay people used to call me faffy
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: my instagram used to be faffy duck okay don't ask
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: me why i i'm not sure i.
• 40:07
  Speaker 5: Don't know where i don't i don't know who came
• 40:09
  Speaker 5: actually i think i do know who came up with
• 40:11
  Speaker 5: it but we don't speak anymore so he's not getting
• 40:14
  Speaker 5: a shout out i'm not sure But it's at SaffyDuck
• 40:19
  Speaker 5: on freaking Substack, guys. And, you know, I'm going through
• 40:24
  Speaker 5: my old files, trying to figure out, like, do I
• 40:28
  Speaker 5: want to, like, bring back any of this stuff?
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: And honestly, I like this one. It's called Honesty is
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: for Liars and Manipulators. And I do genuinely believe that
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: because who are you, as an individual, to be questioning
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: the level of somebody's honesty? Like, if you don't believe it, say,
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: I don't believe you. Say that. Don't say you're lying.
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: Because that's just simply not true. Like, I'm not lying.
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: I'm telling my version of the truth. Am I allowed
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: to have a version? Am I allowed to have a
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: literal voice? Does anybody fucking want to let me live
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: my goddamn life? Like, I don't see truth like you do.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: Who are you? Get out of here. and it's really
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: ticking me off and this is just like a it's
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: a it's a mode of control it's a mode of
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: subjugation and control to be like there is one truth
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: and there's one way to be honest no no and
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: this has been used against me so many times where
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: people are like you're not authentic enough you're not honest
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: enough you're not like you're not putting everything on display
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: and I'm like sad about this it's like if I'm
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: not putting everything on display it's probably because I don't
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: like you and I don't trust you or like you're
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: not asking good enough questions and it's like why am
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: I just giving you things for free why am I
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: giving you things for free like just ask just literally
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: ask ask me anything and I some questions I don't
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: like so much Ideally, don't ask me how I'm doing
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: because I don't want to think about it. Ask me,
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: you know, something a little more specific would be helpful.
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: I mean, how are you? Sometimes, listen, I'll respond in
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: a way. I don't think it's going to satisfy you
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: how I'm going to respond because I don't like the question.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: I really don't. And I appreciate that you are like
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: at least performing to care. Like, thank you. But it's
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: just like it feels like a performance a little bit
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: because it's like, This is a very like cliche.
• 42:37
  Speaker 4: Kind of.
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: How are you? Okay. And it's like. I'm not trying
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: to do like deep talk. But I just think there's
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: like other. I just think there's other avenues here. And.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. I don't think about it.
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: In some context. I don't want to think about how
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: I'm doing. Because sometimes it's not that good. Sometimes I'm
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: not doing that good. Particularly like. never mind okay this
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: is getting highly specific um I forgive everybody who's ever
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: asked me how I'm doing okay it's just it's hard
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: it's hard in some context it's hard to like leave
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: where I'm like what I'm doing to like then enter
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: my body because it's a very like deep question for
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: me how are you and it's like for me it's
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: like I want to go all the way into my
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: body and it's like how am I there's so many
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: layers there's so many layers you just wouldn't even believe
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: how many layers there are and it's just and so
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: this is like a way in which I would say
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: that everybody lies kind of constantly is when people are
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: like oh I'm good yeah yeah are you good really
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: I doubt it I freaking doubt it who's doing good
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: Like all around, like all the layers are looking good. Really?
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: You're not stressed. You're not sleepy. You're just, you're just
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: doing really good. All your relationships are like thriving. You're
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: not like at all politically or like environmentally concerned at all. Really?
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: All your relationships are doing good. I struggle to believe this.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: I really struggle to believe this in a really big way.
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: I struggle to believe that your sleep is, like, undisturbed
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: at all. I struggle to believe that, you know, you're
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: not having any kind of, like, allergies. Or, you know,
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's, like, hella pollutants, guys. There's so many pollutants.
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: And I think, like, genuinely, my understanding is that oxygen,
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: even oxygen, this thing we need, is, like, slowly killing us. Like,
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: oxidative stress... Even the oxygen is killing us, guys. I just,
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: you're doing good all around. You're lying. And see, this,
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: but this is not my, this is not my freaking
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: point to ponder, if I'm honest. Like, this is me
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: showing you what you sound like when you're like, honesty
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: is super important. It's like, there are layers to this.
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: There are definitely layers to this. And it's not that simple.
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: And I think it's extremely manipulative. Like, if someone, this is, like,
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: a new kind of pointer I have. Like, if someone is, like,
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: touting a value of honesty, it's, like, their number one value,
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: I'm out of here. I'm out of here. You're a
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: manipulative person. You're an excessively demanding and manipulative person, for sure.
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: And that's all I have to say. I just, I don't,
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: it cannot be that deep. Like, I think some... And
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying we should all go around lying on purpose.
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying the truth is complicated and there are
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: many ways to express yourself. That's what I'm saying. And... Like...
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: And I understand that most people probably get this value
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: of honesty from their parents. You know, I don't think
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: that they necessarily chose it. And so... And that's the
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: thing is, like, there's got to be something. There's got
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: to be something a little more prioritizable than honesty. Like,
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: come on. Can we have fun? Are we the gosh
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: darn jury in every moment? Can we not be the jury?
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: Can we just, like, be cheerleaders? Or, like, can we
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: be dancers? Or, like, painters? Artists? Can we do something fun? Comedians?
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: Where are my comedians at? It's like, no, we have
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: to be really, really honest and we have to, like,
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: accuse people of not being honest when we don't believe.
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: Just say, I don't believe you. I'm not believing this. See,
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: I'm the kind of person, too, where sometimes I'm not
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: believing someone and I'm, but I'm sitting on it. You know?
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of letting them cook. Because even if they
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: are telling me a fictitious tale, I want to see
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: where it ends up. God forbid. And then, yeah, there's
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: a point. There's definitely a point where I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 47:54
  Speaker 3: Back up.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: But I think, let people cook. Let people... That sounds bad.
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: Let people cook, though. You gotta let You gotta let
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: the soup simmer, okay? You literally gotta let the soup simmer. And...
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: I just don't think it's that deep. I think we
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: should be honest about our sufferings. So it's like, yeah,
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: everybody's going around like, yeah, I'm doing good.
• 48:45
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm doing good. How are you? Oh, I'm good.
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: And there's benefit to that. In some ways, it's like, yeah,
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: maybe we just need to keep moving forward. And in
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: another way, like, I think we would all feel less
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: alone if we admitted when we're suffering like when we're
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: exhausted and when we're like kind of low-key freaking out
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: like like just not giving a default like scripted.
• 49:26
  Speaker 4: Response which I think it's okay I think it's.
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: Definitely forgivable I'm definitely not mad at people who do it.
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: That would be kind of silly. I would spend my
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: whole life being mad.
• 49:44
  Speaker 3: I would be mad constantly. I'd spend a lot of
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: my life being mad. Because I was like holding people
• 49:54
  Speaker 3: to the standard I was holding myself to. And I
• 49:56
  Speaker 3: was like, nobody's meeting this gosh darn standard.
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: And not even me. And honesty wasn't even involved.
• 50:09
  Speaker 3: You know, I think I might be the most honest
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: person in existence. Okay, maybe not, maybe not. I don't
• 50:22
  Speaker 3: know how you would quantify that, but I don't want
• 50:24
  Speaker 3: to know.
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: I don't want to know. Anyway, anyways. I think I
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: have to go find something to do out in the world.
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: I have a couple ideas. I really, I really want
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: to go out.
• 50:45
  Speaker 3: I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it.
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: New Orleans really like charged me. Now I'm like, I
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: want to go see my city. I want to go
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: see my city, girl.
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: Zero gravity.
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: Grandma sent us this card. It says, know why the
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: skeleton went trick-or-treating alone?
• 51:31
  Speaker 3: Because he didn't have any body to go with.
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: Happy Halloween. The best part about it is the back
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: says zero gravity. This is like the publishing company.
• 51:42
  Speaker 3: Sustainable forestry.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 51:44
  Speaker 3: Okay, Grandma. Let's freaking go. Aww.
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: Aww. I'm gonna cry. This is highly symbolic and I
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: bet she doesn't even know.
• 52:01
  Speaker 3: Maybe she does.
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 52:14
  Speaker 3: Love this girl.
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: Anyways. Yeah, bye.