Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #185 First Day Fears

Transcript

#185 First Day Fears · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, we might have our own nerves for our kids
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  Speaker 2: going off to school, but unless we can see the
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  Speaker 2: world through their eyes, we're never going to be able
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  Speaker 2: to give them the empathy and compassion they need.
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  Speaker 1: On day one and now here's the scars of our show,
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  Speaker 1: my mum and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello, it's well twenty twenty one.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe we've made it, after everything that last
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  Speaker 2: year was and then everything this year is already thrown
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  Speaker 2: at us.
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  Speaker 3: First podcast back for twenty twenty one. Do we really
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  Speaker 3: want to do this? Are you ready for it? Missus
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  Speaker 3: Happy Families.
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  Speaker 4: Look, I don't want to tempt fate, but I don't
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  Speaker 4: think twenty twenty one could throw anything happy right now
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  Speaker 4: that would surprise me.
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  Speaker 2: There is a meme out there at the moment with
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  Speaker 2: a surfer. He's paddling over a wave that says twenty
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  Speaker 2: twenty and in the background is this monster wave coming
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  Speaker 2: in behind called twenty twenty one. I just who knows
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  Speaker 2: what's coming. But I'm excited for the podcast for this year.
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  Speaker 2: You and I talk. By the way, my name is
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  Speaker 2: doctor Justin Colson. I'm the author of six books about
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  Speaker 2: raising Happy Families. You're my wife and co host missus
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families, Khylie, mum to our six daughters, and you
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  Speaker 2: know this podcast this year is really all about helping
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  Speaker 2: families to get through the challenges and trials that are
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  Speaker 2: almost guaranteed, right. I mean, even if we do get
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  Speaker 2: a vaccine organized for coronavirus, and even if we do
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  Speaker 2: start to live lives like we used to before twenty twenty,
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  Speaker 2: We're still gonna have challenges.
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  Speaker 3: It's still going to be difficult. In fact, some.
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  Speaker 2: Challenges are just around the corner for pretty much any
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  Speaker 2: parent of a school age child.
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  Speaker 4: Well, tonight you're doing a webinar about facing first day fears.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you're a Happy Family's member, the webinar is
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  Speaker 2: included in your membership. If you're not, you can still
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  Speaker 2: grab your tickets. They're thirty bucks. All the details at
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot au. But yeah, school's just
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  Speaker 2: around the corner. New new swimming classes, new tennis lessons,
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  Speaker 2: new football, soccer, netball, whatever it might be.
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  Speaker 3: It's all about to start and kids start to get worried.
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  Speaker 4: Huh, Well, I don't think it's just the kids, right.
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  Speaker 2: Well, no, it's right, because, Oh, I can't believe that
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  Speaker 2: we didn't talk about this.
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  Speaker 3: I've totally forgotten. You've got a first day happening tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: I do. Okay, what's the news. Let everyone in.
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  Speaker 4: I have decided this year to go to Tafe.
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  Speaker 3: You're going to go back to school.
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  Speaker 4: I am going back to school. I haven't been in
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  Speaker 4: the school playground for twenty five years as a student.
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  Speaker 3: It's been really, it's been that long.
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  Speaker 4: It's been that long. And what's so funny about the
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  Speaker 4: situation is I'm actually going back to my same campus.
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  Speaker 3: Wow.
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  Speaker 4: I've got orientation tomorrow, so it's not actually first day
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  Speaker 4: of class, but it's orientation. And I'm going to be
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  Speaker 4: completely honest, I am quite anxious.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, so I should spill the beans.
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  Speaker 2: Kylie's going to go and do a floristry course, not
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  Speaker 2: necessarily to become a florist, but just because this is
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  Speaker 2: something that you've always loved. Flowers, Yeah yeah, and cutting
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  Speaker 2: your hands open with thorns and well, you.
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  Speaker 4: Know, there's an old terrier motive. I have six daughters
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  Speaker 4: and I I only had one wedding so far. We
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  Speaker 4: can save some good go here.
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  Speaker 2: Right, mind you, we're going to be pretty busy with
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  Speaker 2: all the other stuff going on. I think we're still
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  Speaker 2: going to pay a florist anyway.
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  Speaker 3: So you've got a first.
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  Speaker 2: Day tomorrow and you're feeling a little bit, a little
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  Speaker 2: bit cagey about a little bit nervous.
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  Speaker 4: I am. You know, I'm going back to obviously, like
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  Speaker 4: I said, I'm going back to the same campus. But
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  Speaker 4: it's been twenty five years.
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  Speaker 3: I have no idea where I am. Where's D Block?
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  Speaker 4: I don't know where that is?
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  Speaker 3: Had you figure that out?
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  Speaker 4: You know that I don't know anybody that I'm going
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  Speaker 4: to go with. So I all of a sudden placed
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  Speaker 4: in a room with all of this strangers that I
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  Speaker 4: you know, I don't. Am I going to make friends there?
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  Speaker 5: You know?
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  Speaker 4: What am I going to do on my lunch break?
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  Speaker 4: Where am I going to find good food to eat? So?
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  Speaker 3: Can I just be a normal parent for a sec? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: And I'm not saying this in a horrible way, but
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  Speaker 2: most parents with the very best of intentions, when their
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  Speaker 2: kids start saying all that stuff, they say.
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  Speaker 3: But you'll be right, you'll figure it out. I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to be that hard. You'll make friends do you have
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  Speaker 3: to have friends? Is it that big of a deal?
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  Speaker 4: But I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: And this is the thing, isn't it? So I'm and
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  Speaker 3: you're not helping.
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  Speaker 2: No, of course I'm not because I don't have to go.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm looking at you and you're this competent, capable, oneful.
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  Speaker 3: Adult that everybody loves. And of course you're going to
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  Speaker 3: be fine. I know that. But that doesn't make you
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  Speaker 3: feel any better, does it.
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  Speaker 4: No, it doesn't.
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  Speaker 3: You're still nervous, and you're not actually acting for the
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  Speaker 3: podcast like you're actually actually nervous.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, And what's important here is that just like you're
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  Speaker 2: feeling that way, and with the best of intentions, I'm saying,
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  Speaker 2: you know what, honey.
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  Speaker 3: You're going to be fine. You're going to be great.
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  Speaker 3: Everyone's going to love you. You're such a naturally gifted
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  Speaker 3: person with the class.
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  Speaker 4: And I walk in the front door and everybody stares
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  Speaker 4: at me.
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  Speaker 2: And do you think that that's really a big deal,
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  Speaker 2: even in your I'm not going to say how old
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  Speaker 2: you are, but even in your multiple decades of life, do.
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  Speaker 3: You think that's a big deal.
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  Speaker 4: My head's swelling just thinking about it. Yes, it's a
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  Speaker 4: really big deal.
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  Speaker 2: So if you're feeling like that, how do the kids feel?
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  Speaker 2: You know, you've got kids going to kinder your preschool,
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  Speaker 2: or whatever you call it in your relevant state or territory.
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  Speaker 2: They're starting their big school or little school, they're starting
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: high school, they're starting new schools, they're going to swimming
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  Speaker 2: lessons or sport or whatever it might be. The feelings
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  Speaker 2: that you're having to me don't seem like a big
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  Speaker 2: deal because number one, I'm not going to be doing it.
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  Speaker 2: Number two, I think you'll be fine because I've seen
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  Speaker 2: you deal with challenging situations before, and I know you've
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  Speaker 2: got the runs on the board. You're going to be okay.
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  Speaker 2: But number three, I'm just not feeling what you feel.
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  Speaker 2: And as parents, we don't feel what our kids are feeling.
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  Speaker 2: We might have our own nerves for our kids going
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  Speaker 2: off to school, but unless we can see the world
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  Speaker 2: through their eyes, we're never going to be able to
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  Speaker 2: give them the empathy and compassion they need on day
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  Speaker 2: one or day two, or day three or week two
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  Speaker 2: or week three to get through it feeling supported well.
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  Speaker 4: On the other side of the coin, I'm so excited.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a nervous anticipation.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm excited that I actually will
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  Speaker 4: get to meet new people and that I'll get to
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  Speaker 4: learn a new skill that I have dabbled in but
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  Speaker 4: have never actually learned any proper technique with. I'm excited
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  Speaker 4: about being in a space where I get to create
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  Speaker 4: and to bring home beautiful flowers. I love the idea
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  Speaker 4: of being in a room of flowers. How excited I'm like,
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  Speaker 4: I'm really excited, But that doesn't take away from all
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  Speaker 4: of the other emotions that I'm feeling. And so I think,
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  Speaker 4: you know, it's important to recognize that our kids can
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  Speaker 4: feel too opposing emotions in one space.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, over the last twenty years, that's been one
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  Speaker 2: of the big scientific discoveries is that we don't have
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  Speaker 2: our emotions on a continuum from negative to positive. We
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  Speaker 2: actually have two continuums, or two continua of emotions. There's
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  Speaker 2: a negative emotion continuum and there's a positive emotion continuum,
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  Speaker 2: which means that you can have high levels of negative
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  Speaker 2: emotion and also high levels of positive emotion at the
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  Speaker 2: same time. A first day is a great example of that.
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  Speaker 2: Another one would be at a funeral. You can be
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  Speaker 2: feeling so much grief and sorrow, and yet so much
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  Speaker 2: gratitude and delight for the family who were there to
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  Speaker 2: support you, or for the life of the loved one
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  Speaker 2: that passed on. So we can have negative and positive
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  Speaker 2: emotions the bit around the suite at exactly the same time,
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  Speaker 2: and that's what you're describing. A lot of kids are
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  Speaker 2: probably dealing with that as well. So let's take a
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  Speaker 2: quick break and talk about how we can help our
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  Speaker 2: kids and you to calm those first day fears.
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  Speaker 4: Sounds good.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
• 7:20
  Speaker 5: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and Screens
• 7:24
  Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: Bye today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 4: poor parent and Justin is giving me some tips on
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  Speaker 4: how I can get through day one of school.
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  Speaker 3: And how really we direct we can help the kids.
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  Speaker 3: It's all about you today, isn't it.
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  Speaker 4: So what are some things that we like, some practical
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  Speaker 4: steps that we as parents can do to actually help
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  Speaker 4: our kids navigate these first day fears?
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  Speaker 2: Well tonight the webinar Facing First Day Fears is going
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  Speaker 2: to be via zoom and people can participate in that
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  Speaker 2: and get a whole lot of answers. I'm actually going
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  Speaker 2: to hand you my notes right now and get you
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  Speaker 2: to have a quick look at it. And rather than
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: me just rattling off a whole lot of things, why
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  Speaker 2: don't you pick one or two things that stand out
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  Speaker 2: to you and let's spend a minute or so on
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  Speaker 2: each of them to give people a taste for not
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  Speaker 2: only what's in the webinar, but how they can support
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  Speaker 2: their kids over the next couple of weeks.
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  Speaker 3: Because let's face.
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  Speaker 2: It, I don't remember exactly the calendar, but half the
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  Speaker 2: country goes back to school next week and then on
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  Speaker 2: the third of feb the rest of the country goes back,
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  Speaker 2: So either late Jan or early Feb for Australian listeners,
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  Speaker 2: that's when school goes back. So what stands out to
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  Speaker 2: you is you just have a look at the piece
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  Speaker 2: of paper that I've given.
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  Speaker 4: You Orientation Day. So for most of us, Orientation Day
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  Speaker 4: has already happened before the school's broken up.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So ideally late last year kids were able to go
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  Speaker 2: to their new school or their new playground or the
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  Speaker 2: new classroom and have that experience of settling in or
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: at least becoming familiar with surroundings deal because the more
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: familiar we are with something, the safer we feel with it.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, to give you a really simplistic and almost
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: ridiculous example, back when I used to be a radio DJ.
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  Speaker 2: When I was on the radio, we used to do
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  Speaker 2: music research with our audience, and what we found is
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  Speaker 2: that people.
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  Speaker 3: Would say, oh, I love new music. New music's the best.
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  Speaker 3: They just love new music.
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  Speaker 2: Because I was working at one of those hot news
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  Speaker 2: stations that play all of the hot new music, but
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  Speaker 2: when we would play new music, people would turn off.
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  Speaker 3: They didn't like the unfamiliar music.
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  Speaker 2: We found that people had to listen to the song
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  Speaker 2: at least ten to fifteen times before they would start
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  Speaker 2: to say, oh, I really like that song, which meant
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  Speaker 2: that we had to spin it at the radio station
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  Speaker 2: about one hundred times before people had heard it ten times.
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  Speaker 2: What's really going on with our kids and when it
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  Speaker 2: comes to school is they need to be familiar with
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  Speaker 2: the environment, and when they're familiar with the environment, they
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  Speaker 2: start to like the environment.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I think that works well as well with routines. Right.
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  Speaker 4: So when we moved the kids'.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: School just last term, yeah, last.
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  Speaker 4: Year, Yeah, we decided that we would start writing our bikes.
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  Speaker 2: We talked about on the podcast so much the bike
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  Speaker 2: riding's about to start again yet we did.
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  Speaker 4: But what we actually did was through the holiday period
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  Speaker 4: and the lead up to it, we actually started doing
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  Speaker 4: that ride with the kids so that they got used
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  Speaker 4: to the routine and the feel and you know, just
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: working out.
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  Speaker 3: The expectation across the road and all of those things.
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  Speaker 4: And that made such a difference to you know, kind
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  Speaker 4: of moving in And so when I read that, that's
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  Speaker 4: what I thought about, just we're now at the point
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  Speaker 4: where orientation days that are run by schools aren't done.
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  Speaker 4: So what can we do to kind of help orient
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  Speaker 4: our children into you know, this this new routine for
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: some of them, you know, going going to school. Actually
• 10:34
  Speaker 4: start the routine a week or so early, so they
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  Speaker 4: get used to waking up at a certain time and
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: what getting dressed looks like.
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  Speaker 3: I really recommend it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, But there's also something else that sort of stands
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: out to me as you talk through that, and that
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  Speaker 2: is that there's a lot of families who missed orientation
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  Speaker 2: last year.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe I mean COVID.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: COVID Hello, But there's been a there's been a huge
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: number of families who have moved. COVID seems to have
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: accelerated people moving house, and so people are in unfamiliar environments.
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  Speaker 2: The kids are going to be going to new schools,
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: there's going to be all sorts of new things going on.
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  Speaker 3: So I would actually recommend going to the school.
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  Speaker 2: Hopefully it doesn't have a huge fence around it. If
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  Speaker 2: it does, at this time of year, the gates will
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: usually be open, and i'd actually go into the school
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  Speaker 2: and maybe even go into the office with your child
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  Speaker 2: and say, hey, you know what we're starting, We just
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: wanted enough we could have a wander around, do a
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: bit of an orientation ourselves, or maybe someone can show
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: us around. Help them to get familiar, reorient them with friends,
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: if you can reach out on social media or via
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: whatever contacts you've got. All these different things that build
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: up familiarity, build up access to what they're going to
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: be doing is going to help them to feel so
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: much more comfortable to face those first day fears.
• 11:43
  Speaker 4: So a couple of things that you were going to
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: talk about tonight are taking the pressure off that first
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: day and being available. And this can be really tricky
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: for parents who are working full time jobs and trying
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: to kind of create routines that flow and lack in
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: pressure and you know, nice cruisy warnings. But the one
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: thing that really jumped out as I was looking through
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: the notes is this idea of emotion coaching. So, how
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: can I utilize emotion coaching in those first dag jitters
• 12:16
  Speaker 4: for my child?
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not going to go through the whole process now,
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: we just don't have time for that. But emotion coaching
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: really comes down to seeing emotions in your children, being
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: okay with those emotions, helping your kids to recognize the emotion,
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  Speaker 2: label it, and then asking them what they need to
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: do now, just just being with them, being present. We
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: don't actually have to give them answers, we don't have
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: to work things out, We just need to be there.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: I was actually thinking as you were talking about that.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: You know, it's the end of the first day. Let's
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: take the pressure off there, especially, get take out, do
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: whatever you can to make it a really relaxing night.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: But when you say to your child, how is school today,
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: there is a chance that they're going to say, or
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: they might even say it was the worst day ever.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: And that's when the emotion coaching really comes in. That's
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: when you say, oh, wow, it sounds like you had
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: to rough day. Do you want to talk about it?
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: And they might say yes, they might say no. And
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: if they say no, say okay, well when you're ready,
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I'm here and.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: Just let it be. If they say yes, listen but
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: don't fix just listen, say wow, that sounds like it
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: was tricky. What do you think you can do tomorrow?
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: How can I help you?
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  Speaker 2: Those kinds of gentle conversations are going to help you
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: to have a much more successful experience with the kids
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: and also help them feel empowered to make tomorrow better.
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: So when's the right time to have that kind of conversation?
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  Speaker 4: Because I notice sometimes, you know, when we get home
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  Speaker 4: and I ask that question as soon as we walk
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: in the door, or even as they get in the car.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: I've got I don't get on the bike because we're riding.
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: I don't get any response from them, you know, like
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: they're done. Their brain seems to be toasted from the
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: day at school and they're just they're over it. So
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: when would be the best time for me to ask
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: those kinds of questions.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: It just depends. You know, some kids are going to
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: come home. They're going to be so excited, Oh, guess what, Mum,
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: guess what, Dad? I had the best day ever? And
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: then they're going to tell you and sometime those yeah
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: we do, and then we'll have Well, it might be
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: some children who we just say, hey, how was school
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: and they give you nothing. And in that instance, I
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: just remind parents of what they're like when they walk
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: in the door and their partner looks at them and says, hey,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: how's work today, Honey. Do you ever look at your
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: partner and say, oh, so glad you asked let me
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: tell you everything that happened.
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: That's just not what we say as adults.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: We're like, yeah, it was fine, I'll tell you about
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: it later, because we just want to decompress. We want
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: to settle into the afternoon or the evening. So give
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: the kids some time, let them wind down from what's
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: been a pretty emotionally and potentially even physically exhausting day,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: and then have the conversation at dinner, or have the
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: conversation when they're climbing into bed that night. Go really soft,
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Go really easy.
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: Well, I hope that you're all thinking of me tomorrow
• 14:42
  Speaker 4: when I had.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: My first day. I can't wait to see you off.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: Send me all your.
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: Good feels because I'm going to need every one of them.
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: And good luck to all of our families who are
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: going back to day one twenty twenty one in the school.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: There's about a week to go until faily start to
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: get really serious about it, but hopefully there has been
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: a good, helpful early pep talk hope. We really hope
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: you've enjoyed the podcast. If you do enjoy it, please
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: visit Apple Podcasts. We love it when you leave those
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: ratings and reviews so that other people can find out
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: about the podcast to make their families happier. The Happy
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media.
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: And our executive producer is Craig Bruce.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: If you'd like more and fol about making your family happier,
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: you can get all the information about our Happy Families memberships,
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: including tonight's webinar about facing first day fears, at Happy
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot au.