Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP61] You're grieving a friendship that's not dead yet

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[EP61] You're grieving a friendship that's not dead yet · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  It's actually getting, you know, I think the name of the game is not having those, getting more skilled at dealing with those.
• 0:10
  That's the name of the game, right, of life. That's what we're learning. And until we learn it, we haven't learnt it.
• 0:18
  So the lesson will keep coming back. It's actually getting more skilled at dealing with the things.
• 0:24
  One thing you mentioned before, I want to go back to which is, you know, you talk about like leaning into friends and that's awesome.
• 0:30
  support, yes, awesome. And also trusting that you can do this, you know, leaning on you
• 0:39
  and the people around you, right? And I'll talk a little bit about the relatives and
• 0:47
  friends or anyone else that, you know, it is just maybe just a bit more of my opinion
• 0:54
  and from my experience.
• 0:56
  I think I've learned to make it okay,
• 1:01
  let it be okay.
• 1:03
  But some people would step forwards
• 1:06
  and want to help,
• 1:07
  and other people don't.
• 1:10
  I've also had experiences
• 1:12
  where certain people step forwards,
• 1:14
  other people, they're just there,
• 1:16
  and some people just disappear
• 1:19
  when things are harder.
• 1:22
  and that's okay.
• 1:24
  You know, like it's okay
• 1:25
  because the only one expecting something is me.
• 1:31
  And it's from that expectation
• 1:33
  that I'm causing myself to suffer.
• 1:36
  You know, like they're just getting on with their life.
• 1:39
  They're just doing their thing.
• 1:40
  And that's what everyone does.
• 1:43
  You know, everyone's got their set of problems to deal with.
• 1:45
  And even the people that care and, you know, listen
• 1:48
  are like, oh yeah, that's really tough.
• 1:51
  go back to their lives you know because they've got their stuff it doesn't mean they're bad people
• 1:56
  at least you know me personally i don't think so it's just they're just dealing with their stuff
• 2:01
  you know and sometimes some people really go out of their way to help but me expecting everyone to
• 2:07
  go out of their way to help it's not reasonable like it's not you know it's not a reasonable
• 2:14
  expectation. That's me kind of just making something up that's not
• 2:18
  real or reasonable. I learned that it's okay
• 2:23
  if people want to help and I can receive that
• 2:26
  and it's okay if they don't want to help or don't want to be involved
• 2:29
  or would just rather step away until I've solved that thing
• 2:34
  then somehow they'll show back up in my life. Fine.
• 2:38
  You know, they just... I get to kind of
• 2:42
  decide you know how close so far i have with them not as a punishment it's just like cool
• 2:47
  that's how it is that's how this relationship is so i'm not going to expect more from it
• 2:52
  i'm just going to place this in the outer circle or one of the outer circles and these relations
• 2:58
  with more in my inner circle and that in just acquaintances or you know like i don't have to
• 3:03
  punish them for it it's just you know the one expecting is me so if i lower and not lower my
• 3:12
  and let the relationship be whatever it wants to be.
• 3:15
  Doesn't mean I don't put effort into it.
• 3:17
  But some people just want a certain level of closeness
• 3:20
  and that's fine.
• 3:21
  That's okay.
• 3:22
  It's all good.
• 3:22
  They're not a bad person.
• 3:24
  They're just choosing.
• 3:25
  Or sometimes people have different phases.
• 3:27
  So it's better for me.
• 3:28
  I have more peace of mind.
• 3:30
  And it seems that the friendship or the relationship
• 3:33
  seems to last longer
• 3:35
  when I'm not injecting my expectations
• 3:39
  into the relationship.
• 3:42
  you know, and just letting it be what it wants to be.
• 3:46
  Do you know what I mean?
• 3:48
  So, yeah, I know.
• 3:51
  And sometimes it's family members, right?
• 3:55
  And we might expect certain things from family members,
• 3:59
  but why?
• 4:00
  Like, why would I expect more, you know,
• 4:03
  or less from certain, that they're just another human?
• 4:05
  They just happen to be, they didn't choose it,
• 4:08
  grew, like, were born into the family.
• 4:12
  As I was, you know, there's parts of my family that I don't have anything to do with them.
• 4:18
  Like my dad's side, I just cut them out.
• 4:21
  I don't want to have anything to do with them.
• 4:24
  And that's my choice.
• 4:26
  You know, I might have been born into the family, but it doesn't mean I have to accept them
• 4:30
  because they're fucking parasites.
• 4:32
  They're vampires.
• 4:34
  I've given them decades of chance.
• 4:38
  But that's how they've consistently showed up.
• 4:42
  my life you know they will just come in and destroy my life if they can and they have so no
• 4:48
  that's not going to happen you know so as much as i can choose they can choose as well you know and
• 4:54
  just because they're family doesn't mean i owe them anything or they owe me anything
• 4:59
  that's all good you know and i've learned that i can build my own life and have my own resources
• 5:04
  so as much as if they're not going to help me as i'm rising up they certainly shouldn't be up there
• 5:09
  when I'm, you know, like winning.
• 5:14
  There's no room for them there.
• 5:16
  So, you know, you can also make the choices.
• 5:19
  And it's okay.
• 5:21
  It's okay if some of them want to not be a part of it,
• 5:25
  not support you.
• 5:27
  Maybe it's not so okay if they're like putting you down.
• 5:31
  That you can start to cut out, you know,
• 5:35
  and remove from your life.
• 5:37
  Not give space for that, basically,
• 5:39
  hard enough for you to deal with the thing but then to hear people like you know poking at you
• 5:45
  but that's harder and also you can make a choice of not having that around you i'm not saying go
• 5:49
  remove them from your life or completely cut them out you know sometimes it's as easy as just not
• 5:55
  like just muting some of the conversations yeah it's understandable you know and we expect
• 6:03
  certain things from certain people.
• 6:05
  And I find like, when I remove my expectations,
• 6:11
  there's less suffering.
• 6:13
  It's tough. It's not easy.
• 6:15
  I like that.
• 6:17
  Yeah, it is what it is, right?
• 6:21
  It would be nice if it was different.
• 6:23
  But it's not.
• 6:25
  And that's tough, you know, to deal with.
• 6:28
  But the tougher part is, I found my expectations.
• 6:33
  of the situation or the people or person in it.
• 6:37
  And when I drop the expectation,
• 6:40
  I seem to suffer less
• 6:41
  that it be what it wants to be.
• 6:44
  Grieving what? Grieving the relationship?
• 6:47
  I'll say one thing about that, if it helps.
• 6:50
  Don't grieve a relationship that's not dead yet.
• 6:54
  But do you know what I'm getting at?
• 6:56
  No.
• 6:59
  Because sometimes, when I've had a not-so-great experience,
• 7:03
  experience you know like in a family or friendship or a relationship by my
• 7:08
  tends to go right that's it and actually i'm the one cutting off that
• 7:13
  relationship now i didn't say cut off cut them off
• 7:16
  but you know like if i have a pattern of doing that i'm going
• 7:20
  whoa whoa hold on i'm the one killing the relationship
• 7:24
  i you don't don't have to do that i can let them be there some people you need
• 7:28
  to kind of cut out because i think they've really proved themselves over
• 7:33
  Personally, this is my opinion that they've proved themselves over years and decades.
• 7:37
  They're not going to be different.
• 7:38
  So this is me expecting them to be different.
• 7:42
  And they just shouldn't really have the time or space in my life.
• 7:46
  So yeah, that's done.
• 7:49
  But others, they don't need to be cut out of my life, even though my mind goes,
• 7:53
  this is really fucking hard.
• 7:54
  They acted that way.
• 7:55
  Fuck it, I'm just going to cut them out.
• 7:56
  I'm like, whoa, hold on.
• 7:58
  The grieving is just because I've cut the relationship off.
• 8:02
  and I'm grieving the loss
• 8:04
  but actually there has been no loss
• 8:06
  so not all relationships need to be cut off
• 8:09
  and therefore you don't have to grieve for them
• 8:12
  because not all of them are dead
• 8:14
  some of them might be
• 8:17
  but perhaps the grieving is
• 8:19
  the letting go of my expectation of it
• 8:21
  I'm grieving that it could have been a certain way
• 8:24
  but it isn't and that's hard and sad
• 8:27
  and that's me just learning to get
• 8:31
  to terms of what it actually is,
• 8:34
  rather than my fantasy of the relationship,
• 8:37
  my expectation of the relationship.
• 8:40
  And when we can remove our expectations in the relationship,
• 8:43
  the other person or people get to show up the way they want,
• 8:47
  if they want to show up.
• 8:50
  And rather than chasing the ones that don't want to show up,
• 8:54
  there's people around you that do show up,
• 8:57
  not just want to, they do show up right now.
• 8:59
  Spend time with them.
• 9:01
  You know, connect with them and nurture those relationships, put love into those relationships as much as you lean into it.
• 9:08
  And of course, there's a time to just lean and receive, you know, like or into the relationship as well.
• 9:14
  You know, and it will keep paying back.
• 9:18
  Yeah.
• 9:18
  It's not just lower, it's remove expectations that I have placed, which are not real, not real or realistic.
• 9:26
  You know, so if I expect them to be a certain way, that's just not how the relationship is.
• 9:31
  I created that.
• 9:32
  So let me just remove that.