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End Your Struggle: Set Boundaries + Find Peace with Licensed Therapist Nedra Tawwab · QUESTION EVERYTHING

0:00
Speaker 1: The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
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Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Mollie Carmel, an eating disorder and addiction therapist
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Speaker 2: and your coaching guide. On my show What You're Craving,
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Speaker 2: we get to the real root of your problems when
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Speaker 2: it comes to food, weight, dieting, and beyond. Through honest
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Speaker 2: conversations with the crew of my favorite experts and friends.
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Speaker 2: We'll expand our minds. We'll learn, we'll laugh, we'll even heal.
0:23
Speaker 2: Get ready to break open and break through. I've got
0:27
Speaker 2: your back big time, and together we'll figure out what
0:30
Speaker 2: you're really craving. Tune in every Wednesday for a new episode.
0:34
Speaker 2: Anywhere you listen to podcasts.
0:45
Speaker 1: Big things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever,
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Speaker 1: pretty strong. I'm Danielle Robe and each week my guests
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Speaker 1: and I have conversations that put a new spin on pretty.
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Speaker 1: This is pretty smart. When you think of boundaries, you
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Speaker 1: might think of this as a straightforward concept, the ability
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Speaker 1: to say yes or no. But boundaries are so much
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Speaker 1: more than that.
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Speaker 3: How often am I saying yes to things that I
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Speaker 3: don't want to do? How often am I in situations
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Speaker 3: where I completely feel uncomfortable and I did it just
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Speaker 3: to say.
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Speaker 1: I did it, spending too much time on social media,
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Speaker 1: feeling resentment because we said yes out of obligation, repeating
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Speaker 1: relationship patterns that don't serve us.
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Speaker 4: Is it a necessary rule? Is it harmful? Is it helpful? Oh?
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Speaker 4: My gosh, I need some boundaries right here.
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Speaker 1: Boundaries are the single most important determinant in the health
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Speaker 1: of all of our relationships, and yet so many of
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Speaker 1: us struggle with them. But setting boundaries gets easier with practice.
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Speaker 4: It does take a lot of courage.
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Speaker 3: It penetrates our lives in so many ways that we
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Speaker 3: don't even realize. We think that it's other people. We
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Speaker 3: think that it's our work life balance, and really it's
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Speaker 3: just boundaries.
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Speaker 1: Nedra Glover Towab has thoughts on all of this. She's
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Speaker 1: an author, licensed therapist, and relationship expert. Her book Set Boundaries,
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Speaker 1: Find Piece, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself is a New
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Speaker 1: York Times bestseller.
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Speaker 3: It's very challenging to implement and receive boundaries because we
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Speaker 3: do take it personal.
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Speaker 1: She also gives her one point one million Instagram followers
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Speaker 1: so called Ndra's Nuggets, which are bite sized pieces of advice,
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Speaker 1: life lessons and affirmations I.
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Speaker 3: Don't believe in doing things in a lukewarm spirit. I
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Speaker 3: don't Your biggest hurdle is this belief system. How awkward
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Speaker 3: do you want this to get? How far do you
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Speaker 3: want it to go? Do you say no now or
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Speaker 3: no later?
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Speaker 4: Who? Nidra?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is why you are so good at what
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Speaker 1: you do. Today we're going to learn how to communicate
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Speaker 1: what we really feel and really mean. Sondra, you wrote
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Speaker 1: a book that is all about setting boundaries and finding peace,
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Speaker 1: and you say setting boundaries changed your life in ways
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Speaker 1: that you didn't know was possible. As a therapist, you
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Speaker 1: have such a wide array of topics that you could
3:27
Speaker 1: have chosen to cover. Why did you feel pulled to
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Speaker 1: this book?
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Speaker 3: It's such an important topic, and the information available about
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Speaker 3: boundaries is just not enough, and it penetrates our lives
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Speaker 3: in so many ways that we don't even realize. We
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Speaker 3: think that it's other people, we think that it's our
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Speaker 3: work life balance, and really it's just boundaries. And so
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Speaker 3: helping people find the solution to so many times and
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Speaker 3: problems has been much of my practice as a therapist.
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Speaker 1: So when you say really it's boundaries, does that mean
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Speaker 1: really it's us? Yes? Because I think when we think
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Speaker 1: about boundaries, we think about saying no or saying yes
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Speaker 1: in terms of responding to other people, or we think
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Speaker 1: about requests that come in from other people, and we
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Speaker 1: don't really think about what we're directly communicating.
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Speaker 3: Absolutely, when it comes to boundaries and how we implement
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Speaker 3: those with other people, the biggest fear is that they'll
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Speaker 3: have some reaction to them, and they will. They will
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Speaker 3: have a reaction to it. But we have to remember
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Speaker 3: we can't control people. And so often I'm talking to
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Speaker 3: my clients and they're telling me about what other people
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Speaker 3: are doing, and I have to say, you know, they're
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Speaker 3: not in the room, So what can you do. You're
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Speaker 3: the person talking about, you know, not wanting to go
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Speaker 3: home for the holiday, or you're the person talking about
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Speaker 3: this friend who takes advantage of your kindness, what.
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Speaker 4: Do you do?
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Speaker 3: Because this person has no issue with their behavior, and
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Speaker 3: their behavior may work well in some of their relationships,
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Speaker 3: it's not working for you. So how do you let
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Speaker 3: them know that this behavior is not working for me.
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Speaker 3: I'm not saying stop it in general, but for me,
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Speaker 3: this is what I would like to see and say it.
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Speaker 1: So I've been in therapy for about four years and
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Speaker 1: much of my twenties, I felt really frustrated. I felt
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Speaker 1: frustrated in my work relationships, in my romantic relationships and
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Speaker 1: some of my friendships, even my family relationships. And until
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Speaker 1: I read your book, I didn't realize that almost everything
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Speaker 1: I had been talking about in therapy falls under the
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Speaker 1: word boundaries. I had a therapist say to me one
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Speaker 1: time somebody asked me out on a date, and I
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Speaker 1: felt so uncomfortable saying no, just no, because I thought
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Speaker 1: it takes so much courage to ask somebody out. I
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Speaker 1: don't want to shut somebody down. I don't want to
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Speaker 1: be rude. And she said, why are you so willing
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Speaker 1: to make yourself uncomfortable to make somebody else comfortable? And
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Speaker 1: it clicked for me that so much of what I
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Speaker 1: was frustrated about had to do with that exact idea.
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Speaker 1: And so I think when we talk about boundaries, there's
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Speaker 1: such a wide array of topics. Are you able to
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Speaker 1: identify what boundaries are?
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Speaker 3: I can, but you know, my job is helping other
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Speaker 3: people identify it. So just like your therapists say it,
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Speaker 3: like tell this person know that is a boundary issue.
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Speaker 3: And so often we will take that to be this person.
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Speaker 3: Why did they even ask us? Why do they even
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Speaker 3: think I would go out with them? Like what signs
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Speaker 3: did I? And it's like, it doesn't matter what uda
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Speaker 3: you just need to say no. And that is really
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Speaker 3: hard because it does take a lot of courage for
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Speaker 3: someone to ask. But when you're on date number five
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Speaker 3: out of obligation and this person is like, hey, my
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Speaker 3: parents are coming this weekend, would you like, like, how
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Speaker 3: awkward do you want this to get? How far do
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Speaker 3: you want it to go? Do you say no now
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Speaker 3: or no later? I think no now. I think about
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Speaker 3: that with you know, invitations to social things. If I
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Speaker 3: know immediately that I don't want to go, I say
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Speaker 3: no right away. I don't want to tell somebody the
7:25
Speaker 3: day before or after they've ordered enough cake for me
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Speaker 3: and you know, maybe consider the seating for me. It's like, no,
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Speaker 3: I'm not able to come. I don't need to prolong
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Speaker 3: saying no, because if you have to deal with being
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Speaker 3: upset about this, I would rather get it out of
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Speaker 3: the way than to have you sit with the hope
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Speaker 3: and the possibility of this happening. Like I sometimes think
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Speaker 3: like that, that's mean too, that's mean too, to allow
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Speaker 3: someone to be an anticipation of something that's just not
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Speaker 3: going to happen.
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Speaker 4: It's not going to happen.
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Speaker 3: And being hyper concerned about being mean, I think is
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Speaker 3: so compassionate of us, and it is very unhelpful.
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Speaker 1: Interesting, it's very.
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Speaker 3: Unhelpful to be compassionate to the point of we'll do
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Speaker 3: things that we don't want to do. I don't believe
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Speaker 3: in doing things in a loogwarm spirit.
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Speaker 4: I don't.
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Speaker 3: I remember one time someone asked me to go skating
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Speaker 3: with them, and I think skating was great when I
8:29
Speaker 3: was a kid. I was a lot more fearless. But
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Speaker 3: the way I work now, my adventurous streak is like
8:36
Speaker 3: at a ten out of one hundred, I'm like, what
8:38
Speaker 3: could happen? You know, it's like out of way my
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Speaker 3: life insurance work. I can't do it right. And so
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Speaker 3: I was like, you know, I could skate a little bit.
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Speaker 3: I really don't want to go. I really think you
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Speaker 3: should go with someone who actually enjoys skating, because guess
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Speaker 3: what I'm gonna do.
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Speaker 4: I'm gonna be sitting down, I'm gonna be tired. What
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Speaker 4: time are we leaving? You don't want to go with me?
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Speaker 3: You don't want to, but we're so afraid just to
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Speaker 3: release the invite. It's like, there are tons of people
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Speaker 3: who enjoy skating, it's not me and that's okay.
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Speaker 1: So part of boundaries is not doing something out of obligation.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a piece of it.
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Speaker 3: But let's talk about relationships like partnerships, you know, romantic partnerships.
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Speaker 3: There are things we do have to do out of application.
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Speaker 3: There are things, you know, maybe going to your boyfriend's
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Speaker 3: cousin's party, like, oh my gosh, I'd rather not go,
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Speaker 3: but you know, I want him to go to my
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Speaker 3: friend's thing. So there are some things in relationships that
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Speaker 3: we will do because there is some commitment to hey,
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Speaker 3: I'm with this other person. Ere sometimes I have to
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Speaker 3: be flexible. But when we are flexing ourselves all the time,
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Speaker 3: that is the challenge you have to think about. You know,
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Speaker 3: how often am I saying yes to things that I
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Speaker 3: don't want to do? How often am I institut euations
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Speaker 3: where I completely feel uncomfortable and I.
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Speaker 4: Did it just to say I did it?
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Speaker 1: Well? Said? Are you comfortable sharing a little bit about
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Speaker 1: your own experiences with boundaries and how creating healthy ones
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Speaker 1: sort of shifted your life.
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Speaker 3: No, see that boundary. I'm joking, but I was okay
10:19
Speaker 3: with the notes. No, No, I am, I am.
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Speaker 4: What's your question?
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Speaker 1: Well, this is a maybe an assumption, but I think
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Speaker 1: that a lot of people, particularly people in careers that
10:32
Speaker 1: they're passionate about, do it to heal themselves a little bit.
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Speaker 1: And I kind of had this feeling that maybe you
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Speaker 1: healed yourself a little bit through this book.
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Speaker 4: Absolutely, you're on the right track. You're right track. Yeah,
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Speaker 4: you're barking up the right tree. Absolutely.
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Speaker 3: I grew up in a family with porous boundaries, and
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Speaker 3: I talk about that in the book, where the boundaries
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Speaker 3: are basically non existent and people can do things and
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Speaker 3: there is no consequence and.
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Speaker 4: You may have an issue with it.
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Speaker 3: So a lot of talking about I can't believe they
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Speaker 3: asked me this, or I can't believe this happened. But
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Speaker 3: also given that person what they asked for, giving them
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Speaker 3: twenty chances. I'm not going to say second is you know,
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Speaker 3: beyond that, but just doing things where it was, like,
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Speaker 3: you know, I think a consequence here would have been
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Speaker 3: really helpful. So I did learn about boundaries in that way,
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Speaker 3: and I remember early on I was set like little
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Speaker 3: boundaries with my parents, and my mother was very receptive
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Speaker 3: to my boundaries and it was helpful because it helped
11:40
Speaker 3: me be more comfortable setting boundaries and that, you know,
11:46
Speaker 3: I think about that sometimes, like gosh, what if my
11:48
Speaker 3: mom would have pushed back, Like I remember I stopped
11:51
Speaker 3: eating red meat when I was probably about sixteen or seventeen,
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Speaker 3: and my mom she was just like, okay, so you
11:59
Speaker 3: won't eat you know, spaghetti anymore, you won't eat meat
12:02
Speaker 3: loaf anymore. I'm like, yeah, I'll eat it, but it
12:05
Speaker 3: has to be with turkey. And so she's like, yeah,
12:07
Speaker 3: I can't cook for you, and that was her boundary
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Speaker 3: and I'm like cool, like I have.
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Speaker 4: To cook, like I will figure this out.
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Speaker 3: But she respected it. She was like okay, like if
12:18
Speaker 3: that's your thing, that's fine. And you know, even after
12:21
Speaker 3: school stuff, I wasn't huge into activities after school. Like
12:24
Speaker 3: my biggest activity was like, oh my gosh, what time
12:27
Speaker 3: does Ricky Lake come on?
12:29
Speaker 4: Let me get home and watch Oprah at four. That
12:32
Speaker 4: was my active after school activity.
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Speaker 1: It was sort of foreshadowing your career made yes, yes,
12:39
Speaker 1: and I remember like trying different stuff, but there wasn't
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Speaker 1: a lot of pressure.
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Speaker 4: Like no, you have to be committed to and I'm like.
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Speaker 3: I don't, I don't want to do this thing, and
12:48
Speaker 3: she's like, okay, cool, like you tried it, you don't
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Speaker 3: like it. So I would say that having my boundaries
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Speaker 3: respected was really positive. But also I knew like, oh no, no, no, no,
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Speaker 3: I don't like this thing, and I could say it now.
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Speaker 3: As I got older, I didn't notice with other people
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Speaker 3: that even if your boundary is really healthy, people will
13:11
Speaker 3: push back. And that has been one of my biggest
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Speaker 3: challenges with setting boundaries, is the pushback and the silent treatment,
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Speaker 3: the stonewalling, all of those things that come from that,
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Speaker 3: and I've had to learn that that's a part of
13:28
Speaker 3: the process. Sometimes everyone can't handle a boundary. Maybe sometimes
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Speaker 3: I can't either. I don't know, but no, I do
13:34
Speaker 3: pretty well. But you know, I think it's very challenging
13:39
Speaker 3: to implement and receive boundaries because we do take it personal.
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Speaker 3: We think like, why would they tell me to show
13:46
Speaker 3: up on time? Am I always like, you know, like
13:48
Speaker 3: all of these things, And it's such a beautiful process
13:52
Speaker 3: and relationships where we can accept people and what they
13:57
Speaker 3: want from.
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Speaker 1: Us and as they are, where they are as.
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Speaker 4: They are where they are.
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Speaker 3: I really started to do the work of boundaries in
14:05
Speaker 3: college because I didn't realize that I had been setting
14:08
Speaker 3: boundaries all along. But my biggest challenge was the pushback
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Speaker 3: and people they could easily talk me out of my
14:16
Speaker 3: boundaries just for me feeling guilty, Like I would be.
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Speaker 4: Like, oh my gosh, I feel so terrible.
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Speaker 3: And I went to therapy, and my therapist she just affirmed,
14:25
Speaker 3: like some of the stuff I was talking about, She's like,
14:27
Speaker 3: I'm not understanding why this is a problem for this person,
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Speaker 3: Like this sounds.
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Speaker 4: So normal and healthy. I'm like, so it's them and
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Speaker 4: not me. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: So that's actually my next question for you, because you
14:42
Speaker 1: say there are two pillars to healthy successful relationships. There's
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Speaker 1: direct communication and boundaries and direct communication, and I think
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Speaker 1: they sort of are interwoven in a lot of ways.
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Speaker 1: What I found is that I had a lot of
14:58
Speaker 1: trouble identifying what I was So it was almost like
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Speaker 1: I had to figure that out so that I could
15:04
Speaker 1: communicate what I was feeling. Are there signs that we're
15:08
Speaker 1: not holding boundaries or that they're being violated? How can
15:11
Speaker 1: we know what that is?
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Speaker 3: We know by looking at what is bothering us? What
15:19
Speaker 3: we feel frustrated about, areas where we feel resentment, things
15:24
Speaker 3: that make us angry, sad, uncomfortable. We are so in
15:28
Speaker 3: tuned to who we are, but the world has taken
15:33
Speaker 3: a hold of us in a way that we talk
15:35
Speaker 3: ourselves out of what we feel. That's why this book
15:38
Speaker 3: is called Set Boundaries, Fine Peace, a Guide to reclaiming yourself,
15:43
Speaker 3: because we are in there.
15:45
Speaker 4: We just have to pull it out.
15:46
Speaker 3: We have to reclaim that part of us that we
15:50
Speaker 3: don't trust anymore. We don't even should I be said, yes, yes.
15:54
Speaker 4: You should be sad. If you're sad, you should be sad.
15:57
Speaker 4: Should I be upset? Probably?
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Speaker 3: You know, we have lost our ability to trust what
16:03
Speaker 3: we feel, and we're constantly questioning, looking to other people
16:07
Speaker 3: to affirm what we think and what we You know,
16:11
Speaker 3: what we say, and we already have the words. So
16:14
Speaker 3: often people will ask me, how do I tell my
16:18
Speaker 3: sister that I don't want her and her husband to
16:23
Speaker 3: continue to ask me about getting married or something like that.
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Speaker 4: It's like, you already have the words.
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Speaker 1: You just said it.
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Speaker 3: I don't want you to ask me anymore like you
16:31
Speaker 3: have the words. But for so many of us. We're
16:34
Speaker 3: looking for the perfect words that will make this other
16:37
Speaker 3: person feel okay with this very honest and uncomfortable thing
16:43
Speaker 3: that we need to say to them.
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Speaker 1: There's an interesting line, though, because I think most of
16:48
Speaker 1: us want to say what we mean with tact and
16:51
Speaker 1: I sort of think that's okay too.
16:53
Speaker 4: Is that okay? Yeah?
16:55
Speaker 3: But you could be really nice and some things are
16:57
Speaker 3: just harsh. You can say them with a smile all
17:00
Speaker 3: on your face. You can, you know, hey, let's go
17:03
Speaker 3: out for ice cream and then say the bound You
17:05
Speaker 3: could do all of the right things, and unfortunately what
17:11
Speaker 3: you need to say is just I don't want to
17:14
Speaker 3: be your bride's maid. Like you know, that's that can
17:17
Speaker 3: be a really hard thing to say. I don't care
17:19
Speaker 3: how you say it. You can slow it down. I
17:22
Speaker 3: do not want to be your bride'smaid.
17:24
Speaker 4: Hey, I don't want to be your rights maid. All
17:26
Speaker 4: of it is like ouch.
17:29
Speaker 1: But it comes with consequences, right, yeah? Used to those?
17:34
Speaker 3: You do have to well, you don't have to prepare
17:36
Speaker 3: yourself for consequences, because I don't want you to think
17:38
Speaker 3: that there will be some.
17:39
Speaker 4: It's a possibility. I hope that people accept the boundary.
17:43
Speaker 4: That's what.
17:43
Speaker 3: I hope I'm looking at the bright side. I don't
17:47
Speaker 3: want to think about, oh, this person is they're they're
17:49
Speaker 3: going to block me if I tell them this thing.
17:53
Speaker 3: I hope that when I say this, you consider it
17:57
Speaker 3: and you respect it. I don't want you to fight
18:00
Speaker 3: me on it. I've recently had an incident where I
18:03
Speaker 3: set a boundary with someone and they really tried to
18:05
Speaker 3: like understand my boundary, and I was like, Yo, you're
18:08
Speaker 3: not going to get it because it's not your boundary.
18:11
Speaker 1: So it's not for the other person to understand. It's
18:13
Speaker 1: for them to respect.
18:15
Speaker 3: Yeah, just respect it. It's not your boundary. I'm not
18:17
Speaker 3: you know, I'm not asking anything that's unreasonable. I didn't
18:20
Speaker 3: say when you come to my house, jump up twice
18:22
Speaker 3: and you know, rub a pillow and then take your
18:25
Speaker 3: shoes off.
18:26
Speaker 4: I didn't say that. I said something that's very reasonable, right.
18:31
Speaker 3: And one thing I've been saying to people is, you know,
18:36
Speaker 3: explain the situation. If you must explain, I want you
18:39
Speaker 3: to try to explain it. You know, this is why
18:42
Speaker 3: I'm requesting it. But use other people. So for instance,
18:46
Speaker 3: you know, let's say you had a friend who asked
18:50
Speaker 3: you to be in their wedding and they were low
18:52
Speaker 3: on funds and you needed to tell them no, would
18:55
Speaker 3: it be okay? Yes, That's why I told you no.
18:59
Speaker 3: That's why I tol you know right there, Because sometimes
19:02
Speaker 3: people are so attached to you saying it to them
19:06
Speaker 3: or your relationship to them.
19:07
Speaker 1: What happens when somebody doesn't respond, well, what's the next step?
19:12
Speaker 3: You have to take care of yourself because you can't
19:15
Speaker 3: take care of them. So often we want to make
19:18
Speaker 3: people feel better about our boundaries. We want to go
19:20
Speaker 3: in and I don't know, give them a hug, reassure
19:24
Speaker 3: them that everything is okay. But never do I want
19:27
Speaker 3: to change my boundary. I don't want to change my boundary.
19:30
Speaker 3: Whatever I've said it, I've thought about it. I'm not
19:33
Speaker 3: setting boundaries just like what boundaries can I think of
19:36
Speaker 3: with this person?
19:37
Speaker 4: No, this is very intentional.
19:40
Speaker 3: I've thought about this and I'm setting it because it
19:42
Speaker 3: needs to be done. So I don't want to change
19:44
Speaker 3: my boundary. But that's often what will help people to
19:48
Speaker 3: feel better, and that's not what you're willing to do.
19:50
Speaker 3: Your boundary is your boundary, and so they have to
19:53
Speaker 3: deal with the discomfort of it, and you have to
19:56
Speaker 3: deal with you know, how you deal with someone now
20:00
Speaker 3: responding well to your boundaries, and that could be you know,
20:04
Speaker 3: calling a friend, talking it out, going to a therapy session,
20:07
Speaker 3: going to get a massage, journaling, trimming your ends. I
20:12
Speaker 3: don't know, whatever you do to feel better, polishing your
20:16
Speaker 3: whatever you do to feel better, watching a series. I'm
20:19
Speaker 3: not sure, but it needs to be something that you
20:22
Speaker 3: can do to feel better about the situation, knowing that
20:26
Speaker 3: the solution is not to change your boundary to make
20:30
Speaker 3: this person feel better.
20:32
Speaker 1: The good news about it is that the more you
20:34
Speaker 1: practice it, the easier and better it gets.
20:37
Speaker 4: That is one hundred percent true.
20:38
Speaker 1: So it feels really good. When I started practicing boundaries,
20:43
Speaker 1: it was much more difficult than it is now, So
20:45
Speaker 1: that's the plus sect.
20:46
Speaker 3: Yeah, and some boundaries they just they roll off my
20:50
Speaker 3: tongue so easily now.
20:52
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't even think about it.
20:55
Speaker 1: I want to talk about boundaries at work because over
20:57
Speaker 1: the last year and a half I've I've seen the
21:00
Speaker 1: term burnout pop up more than I have ever in
21:03
Speaker 1: my life. There's been a number of studies on the topic.
21:06
Speaker 1: In one, the Household Pulse Survey by the Centers for
21:09
Speaker 1: Disease Control and Preventions say that thirty seven percent of
21:12
Speaker 1: workers surveyed reported feeling anxious or depressed. My guess is
21:16
Speaker 1: that number is higher. How do a lack of boundaries
21:20
Speaker 1: contribute to burnout?
21:21
Speaker 3: Well, when we lack boundaries, we lack limitations, and so
21:26
Speaker 3: burnout is doing too much, too often, or without any appreciation.
21:33
Speaker 3: We can get burnt out with many many things. We
21:36
Speaker 3: could get burnt out with reading. We've read too many books.
21:40
Speaker 3: You can get burnt out with working with your co workers,
21:43
Speaker 3: with whatever your job is. And the way to prevent
21:48
Speaker 3: burnout is to really build in some preventative measures for work.
21:54
Speaker 3: It really helps to think about those areas that you're
21:57
Speaker 3: most troubled by. So is it you feel like you
22:00
Speaker 3: don't have a cutoff, You feel like you know, people
22:03
Speaker 3: are intruding on your vacation, do you feel like your
22:07
Speaker 3: boss is micromanaging you? Whatever those areas are, just consider
22:13
Speaker 3: what things can I implement here that might make this
22:16
Speaker 3: situation a little different. I remember when I had a
22:21
Speaker 3: job where you know, it was like cubicles and this
22:24
Speaker 3: sort of thing, and so people, you know, they walk
22:26
Speaker 3: around and talk and that sort of thing, and you
22:28
Speaker 3: have to if you want to finish your work, you
22:29
Speaker 3: have to have some boundaries around, Like I am busy
22:33
Speaker 3: right now and so I'm not able to talk.
22:35
Speaker 1: How so hard?
22:37
Speaker 4: Yeah, however, I'll go to lunch. I love going to
22:39
Speaker 4: lunch after work. We can hang out.
22:42
Speaker 3: But what I cannot do is during this work period
22:46
Speaker 3: chat so.
22:48
Speaker 1: This, but this not that. Thing is something I loved
22:52
Speaker 1: in your book because personally, if I was in a
22:56
Speaker 1: cubicle setting and someone kept talking, I am so uncomfortable
23:01
Speaker 1: saying I'm so sorry, I can't talk right now.
23:03
Speaker 4: Hey girl, let's talk about this over lunch.
23:08
Speaker 1: Such a nice way of saying it. I can't do this,
23:11
Speaker 1: but I can do that.
23:12
Speaker 4: Yeah, hey girl, you know I got this report.
23:14
Speaker 3: Dude, let me come back to your desk a little later,
23:17
Speaker 3: you know, just real smooth.
23:18
Speaker 4: I don't think we let me sit you down.
23:22
Speaker 3: We're always thinking like there needs to be these like interventions,
23:26
Speaker 3: and most of the time it's just like throwing things
23:30
Speaker 3: out there that people can understand in conversation when the
23:34
Speaker 3: things are happening. Sometimes we think about these things for
23:36
Speaker 3: two years before we let the other person know, and
23:39
Speaker 3: we're telling them at a time where the thing is
23:41
Speaker 3: not even occurring, yep. And so it's important in the
23:45
Speaker 3: moment just to say to people, I'm working on a
23:49
Speaker 3: huge dadline right now and I cannot chat because every
23:52
Speaker 3: time I chat, I'm thrown off for like an hour.
23:55
Speaker 3: When I finished chatting with you girl, then I'll be
23:57
Speaker 3: on Instagram five hour after that, and then after I
24:00
Speaker 3: off Instagram, now I'm shopping it. I can't chat right
24:04
Speaker 3: the way my you know, being able to get back
24:07
Speaker 3: on task works.
24:08
Speaker 4: I can't do it. I cannot do it.
24:11
Speaker 1: And that's so nice. It even makes me laugh when
24:13
Speaker 1: you say that, you know, right, It doesn't have to
24:15
Speaker 1: be like I'm so sorry, I'm really uncomfortable. It can
24:19
Speaker 1: just be kind of easy.
24:21
Speaker 4: Yeah, just easy, you know, and redirecting it.
24:24
Speaker 3: I do think it's challenging, you know, maybe if you
24:27
Speaker 3: don't want to talk at all. And I see that
24:29
Speaker 3: sometimes where people are like, oh my gosh, my cowork
24:32
Speaker 3: is so.
24:32
Speaker 4: Annoying and they keep talking to me.
24:34
Speaker 3: And with that, it's important to think about how you
24:38
Speaker 3: invite them in to speak because sometimes because we're being nice,
24:42
Speaker 3: we allow people to say too much too often, and
24:46
Speaker 3: we give them the impression that we really care and
24:49
Speaker 3: we want more and we can care and say hey
24:53
Speaker 3: that you know.
24:54
Speaker 4: That sounds really deep and walk back to your desk.
24:57
Speaker 3: You don't have to sit there and listen to the
24:59
Speaker 3: whole scenario of what happened with their partner and what
25:03
Speaker 3: they did, or you know, like all of these things.
25:05
Speaker 3: If you really don't want to engage with a person,
25:08
Speaker 3: just being mindful of your energy that there are just
25:11
Speaker 3: some days where you just can't listen you don't have
25:15
Speaker 3: the ability to.
25:16
Speaker 4: And stopping people in conversation.
25:19
Speaker 3: We don't do that enough, like we just let people go.
25:22
Speaker 3: And there are some things like I am not the
25:24
Speaker 3: sort of person. If you're driving and you see a
25:26
Speaker 3: car accident, please don't describe it to me. I will
25:30
Speaker 3: tell you, oh my gosh, I'm bout to said, I
25:32
Speaker 3: don't want to hear nothing about it.
25:33
Speaker 4: That's why I.
25:35
Speaker 1: Feel that with people's dreams, I don't want to hear
25:37
Speaker 1: about your dream.
25:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, like I don't want to hear anything about that accident.
25:41
Speaker 3: I don't want to hear anything because guess what I
25:43
Speaker 3: have to do later drive and I'm not trying to
25:46
Speaker 3: think about your accident or the person who I meant
25:48
Speaker 3: not your accident, but the terrible one you saw. I
25:52
Speaker 3: just I can't listen to the car accidents. I'm sorry,
25:54
Speaker 3: this is just an off leading topic.
25:56
Speaker 1: Just like you say, having uncomfortable conversations can save relationships.
26:03
Speaker 1: As a relationship expert and somebody who hears a lot
26:07
Speaker 1: of data points, what do you think are the uncomfortable
26:11
Speaker 1: conversations we need to be having more of? What are
26:14
Speaker 1: people avoiding the most?
26:15
Speaker 3: Do you think it's what we were just talking about,
26:19
Speaker 3: telling people how you feel about the things you're discussing.
26:25
Speaker 3: So often people say things that hurt our feelings. They
26:27
Speaker 3: say things that are offensive, things that are passive aggressive,
26:33
Speaker 3: and they don't know they have no clue because you
26:37
Speaker 3: haven't seen anything to them.
26:39
Speaker 4: Now, I had.
26:41
Speaker 3: A situation where I thought a person wasn't hearing me,
26:45
Speaker 3: and then we talked through it and they said, yeah,
26:47
Speaker 3: I heard you. I just didn't want to listen to it.
26:49
Speaker 3: I said, oh, whoa, So you did hear me? That
26:54
Speaker 3: is powerful. I thought maybe I wasn't being clear, but
26:57
Speaker 3: they said, no, I heard you, but I just didn't
26:59
Speaker 3: want to listen to that as okay, so I can't
27:01
Speaker 3: talk to you anymore. Yeah, but often we're not even
27:05
Speaker 3: saying it, we're not even saying it. So we assume
27:09
Speaker 3: that because we have these things about ourselves, that other
27:13
Speaker 3: people have those same issues, and so well they should
27:17
Speaker 3: know that you don't do X. What they don't know
27:20
Speaker 3: because they did it. There are tons of things that
27:22
Speaker 3: other people don't know because everything that we know is
27:25
Speaker 3: based on who we are are, upbringing, our preferences, our
27:30
Speaker 3: life experiences, and so many other things. So I'm not
27:35
Speaker 3: going to hold you accountable for knowing anything that you're
27:39
Speaker 3: doing is wrong to me. So I will tell you
27:42
Speaker 3: now if you continue to do it, I will hold
27:44
Speaker 3: you accountable because we've had this conversation. But if a
27:48
Speaker 3: conversation has not been had in a relationship and you
27:52
Speaker 3: are holding someone to task about something, it's important that
27:56
Speaker 3: you consider having the conversation about whatever ideos you have
28:00
Speaker 3: an issue with, because people don't know. People have no clue.
28:06
Speaker 3: I remember in college I had a friend and whenever
28:09
Speaker 3: she would get a new boyfriend, she you know, radio silence.
28:12
Speaker 3: You didn't hear from her, And I remember one time
28:16
Speaker 3: saying to her, Hey, don't do that thing you do, girl,
28:19
Speaker 3: Don't you do it this time. If y'all go on bowling,
28:21
Speaker 3: I want to go too. If y'all, you know, call
28:24
Speaker 3: me and you know, we put us in a text
28:27
Speaker 3: group like, don't do that because that hurts. I've experienced
28:33
Speaker 3: it a few times. The first time I was like okay.
28:35
Speaker 3: Second time I'm like, this is a pattern. Third time
28:37
Speaker 3: I'm like, hey, I see what's happening here. I want
28:41
Speaker 3: you to be mindful of this.
28:42
Speaker 1: And she was, what do you think about boundaries when
28:46
Speaker 1: it comes to family, because oftentimes they're the hardest people
28:51
Speaker 1: to hold boundaries with, and they're relationships that a lot
28:56
Speaker 1: of people don't want to let go of, so you
28:57
Speaker 1: have to find a way to make it work.
29:01
Speaker 3: So you started with they are the hardest people to
29:04
Speaker 3: hold boundaries with, and that is why we think they
29:07
Speaker 3: are the hardest people to hold boundaries with, because that
29:10
Speaker 3: is our belief about setting boundaries with family. They are
29:14
Speaker 3: the hardest people to hold boundaries with. Yes, they are,
29:17
Speaker 3: because that's what you believe. Wow, So I would say
29:20
Speaker 3: release the belief. Who Yeah, this is why you are
29:27
Speaker 3: so good at what you do. If you think that
29:30
Speaker 3: your mother, your brother, your sister, your dad, your grandparents
29:33
Speaker 3: cannot honor boundaries, they will not honor boundaries because you
29:36
Speaker 3: will not set them because Your biggest hurdle is this
29:42
Speaker 3: belief system. Most people can understand boundaries, even your mother.
29:46
Speaker 3: Your mother respects all kinds of boundaries. Doesn't she have
29:49
Speaker 3: a job, doesn't she have friends, doesn't she drive? I mean,
29:53
Speaker 3: she's respecting all sorts of boundaries. And guess what else
29:56
Speaker 3: she can respect yours. You are not the first person
30:00
Speaker 3: and on a planet to implement boundaries with her.
30:02
Speaker 4: You are her child.
30:04
Speaker 3: It might be different for her, but your parent hopefully
30:07
Speaker 3: loves you and cares about you. And there are some
30:10
Speaker 3: things that you may want to do differently, some things
30:12
Speaker 3: that they may not be in line with. But it's
30:16
Speaker 3: a part of the process. That's a part of becoming
30:19
Speaker 3: an adult. It's doing your own thing. And a beautiful
30:22
Speaker 3: way for a parent to show up is to support
30:25
Speaker 3: you unless you are doing something unsafe or harmful to
30:28
Speaker 3: other people. And I have to you know, I'm a parent,
30:32
Speaker 3: I have two kids, and I often have to think
30:34
Speaker 3: about is this unsafe? Doesn't really matter? Doesn't really matter
30:38
Speaker 3: because a lot of the things that I try to
30:41
Speaker 3: like my kids getting dressed on their own.
30:43
Speaker 4: Oh it saddens me. I might drop a tear.
30:47
Speaker 3: Do you know how much I love to dress little
30:49
Speaker 3: kids and pick their class I love it, and my
30:52
Speaker 3: kids they want to pick out their own stuff.
30:55
Speaker 1: So when they walk out the door with all sort
30:57
Speaker 1: of mismatching, it kills you lessa.
31:02
Speaker 3: I will look at a website and be like, oh
31:04
Speaker 3: my gosh, this little drake j crew jacket is so cute.
31:08
Speaker 4: But they have their own style. They're like, is it pink?
31:10
Speaker 1: Is it?
31:11
Speaker 4: Is it fluffy? Is it? Can we wear blue?
31:18
Speaker 1: Please?
31:19
Speaker 4: Can we? Can we wear stripes? You know? Like just.
31:24
Speaker 3: So I have to let them wear what they want
31:28
Speaker 3: to wear because that's where they feel comfortable.
31:30
Speaker 4: And I have to think is it unsafe? Is it harmful?
31:33
Speaker 4: Is it you know? Is this a necessary rule? It's not.
31:36
Speaker 4: There's no we're pink where you know?
31:39
Speaker 3: Where as much unicorn stuff as you want to tie
31:41
Speaker 3: dye yourself to death?
31:43
Speaker 4: Like do it?
31:45
Speaker 1: So those are the three questions you ask yourself.
31:47
Speaker 4: I like that, is it a necessary rule? Is it harmful?
31:50
Speaker 4: Is it helpful?
31:51
Speaker 1: Yeah?
31:52
Speaker 4: Because sometimes it's not even.
31:54
Speaker 3: Help Like what what would I be teaching them by
31:57
Speaker 3: saying you have to wear what I select for you?
31:59
Speaker 1: It's I don't trust your choice yep.
32:02
Speaker 3: And so what happens when you get older, and you
32:04
Speaker 3: need to make a decision.
32:05
Speaker 4: Guess who you always have to come to? Hi Mom,
32:08
Speaker 4: Hi Mom, I'm about to walk that. Which way should I?
32:12
Speaker 4: I don't want that.
32:14
Speaker 3: I want you to be able to figure things out
32:16
Speaker 3: for yourself. So I want you to trust yourself down.
32:18
Speaker 3: If you think that that outfit that you have one
32:22
Speaker 3: it goes well together with those shoes that is now
32:24
Speaker 3: your business. That is now your business. That's not anything
32:28
Speaker 3: I would wear. I'm gonna keep that to myself. However,
32:33
Speaker 3: if that's how you feel good, do it now? If
32:36
Speaker 3: we have family pictures, if it's a how if it's
32:39
Speaker 3: something I'm like, this is the outfit?
32:43
Speaker 4: Right?
32:43
Speaker 1: Today's a certain special day? Yes, and that's okay. Creating
32:47
Speaker 1: boundaries with technology this one is super interesting because you
32:51
Speaker 1: yourself have a really large social media follow and you
32:54
Speaker 1: have over a million people on Instagram. The number increases
32:58
Speaker 1: when you include all the other so platforms. How have
33:01
Speaker 1: you, yourself determined how to use social media and not let
33:05
Speaker 1: it use you?
33:07
Speaker 3: I use it with intention. My intention is to use
33:11
Speaker 3: social media as a way to support people in their
33:15
Speaker 3: journey of healing, to help them with boundaries, to help
33:20
Speaker 3: them with a variety of mental health and relationship topics.
33:26
Speaker 3: But it's not to please everyone. That's impossible. That's not
33:31
Speaker 3: my goal. My goal is not to know everything on
33:34
Speaker 3: social media that's happening in the world. My goal is
33:38
Speaker 3: not to apologize or show up in any way that
33:44
Speaker 3: is not who I am. And you can do things
33:47
Speaker 3: that will not please everyone. I can post something and
33:51
Speaker 3: fifty thousand people will like it, and I'll get ten
33:54
Speaker 3: dms to say, well, this is where I disagree, or
33:57
Speaker 3: I'll get comments that say I don't know about this,
34:00
Speaker 3: and you know, you can have your perspective as long
34:03
Speaker 3: as you're respectful.
34:04
Speaker 4: I don't care because I don't agree with everything I.
34:07
Speaker 3: See, and so my choice is to continue to scroll
34:10
Speaker 3: through those things because it's not the best use of
34:13
Speaker 3: my time to tell creative people how to create. I
34:17
Speaker 3: may go to our art museum saying, now, why ain't
34:19
Speaker 3: throw that paint on there like that? That's not my
34:21
Speaker 3: business because you may like it and you'll buy it.
34:24
Speaker 3: You'll spend two million dollars on it. So what does
34:27
Speaker 3: it matter if I don't like it? It doesn't It's
34:30
Speaker 3: for someone, and sometimes things are not for us. And
34:33
Speaker 3: so that has been the biggest lesson on social media
34:37
Speaker 3: that I am creating content that I think will be
34:41
Speaker 3: hopeful to people, and I know that it will not
34:43
Speaker 3: be helpful to everyone, but I wanted to reach the
34:47
Speaker 3: people that it needs to reach.
34:49
Speaker 1: The people that it's supposed to reach. We'll receive it. Yes,
34:52
Speaker 1: When did you see your following grow online?
34:55
Speaker 4: Twenty nineteen?
34:56
Speaker 3: So I started posting in twenty seventeen, and twenty nineteen
35:00
Speaker 3: is when I really started to see it increase.
35:05
Speaker 1: How did you feel? Because I know you study for
35:07
Speaker 1: years and then you work for years as a therapist
35:10
Speaker 1: and this is a whole different world. What was that
35:13
Speaker 1: like for you.
35:14
Speaker 3: I'm often surprised at the reception from other people, Like
35:18
Speaker 3: people are like, oh my gosh, Like I'm like, girl,
35:22
Speaker 3: I'm so normal, Like like, I don't I understand it
35:27
Speaker 3: because I love people like Oprah, I love people like
35:31
Speaker 3: Susie Orman, and you know, just all of these these
35:34
Speaker 3: figures who I feel like, oh my gosh, I've learned
35:37
Speaker 3: so much for them, and I get that piece of it,
35:40
Speaker 3: but it has really made me feel like, wow, those
35:42
Speaker 3: people are very human too, and they are very regular
35:48
Speaker 3: in how they live their lives, but they are an
35:51
Speaker 3: inspiration of someone. So it feels really good to be
35:56
Speaker 3: an inspiration of more people because as a therapist I
35:59
Speaker 3: only get to, you know, help fifteen to twenty five
36:01
Speaker 3: people a week, and so to be able to impact
36:05
Speaker 3: thousands in these ways is really profound. I was talking
36:10
Speaker 3: to a friend this morning and I started a newsletter
36:14
Speaker 3: and every week I send a newsletter out, and she
36:17
Speaker 3: was just thanking me for the content. She's like, you know,
36:20
Speaker 3: it's so simple, and the way that you just connect
36:22
Speaker 3: these things is so good.
36:24
Speaker 4: How do you do this?
36:25
Speaker 3: And I said, you know, therapists have a lot of
36:30
Speaker 3: book knowledge.
36:31
Speaker 4: We do.
36:32
Speaker 3: We understand all of these theoretical concepts, we understand how
36:36
Speaker 3: this connects to whatever experience you had here. But it
36:40
Speaker 3: can be challenging sometimes to communicate that. And I would
36:45
Speaker 3: say that my gift is being able to tap into
36:48
Speaker 3: those things and simplify, Yes, because digestible information, because sometimes
36:56
Speaker 3: we will miss the message in the way that people
37:01
Speaker 3: worded it right.
37:02
Speaker 1: It happens all I mean, I worked in news for years.
37:05
Speaker 1: It happens all the time.
37:06
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean think about Shakespeare.
37:08
Speaker 3: Now, there are people who love Shakespeare, but there are
37:10
Speaker 3: some people who you have to break it down and.
37:13
Speaker 4: That's why we have hip hop, Shakespeare and this.
37:15
Speaker 3: You know, like we have to break it down in
37:17
Speaker 3: these different ways because different people will understand it differently,
37:22
Speaker 3: and we have to make sure that we're creating things
37:26
Speaker 3: that people can understand and heal because there is some
37:32
Speaker 3: lingo that people will miss, and I want to make
37:34
Speaker 3: sure it's easy, it's simplified, you get directly how this
37:40
Speaker 3: pertains to you. I could use a word like stone walling,
37:44
Speaker 3: but I will use the silent treatment and stay up
37:46
Speaker 3: because I think most people understand what the silent treatment
37:49
Speaker 3: is and maybe not stonewalling.
37:51
Speaker 1: Yes, it's true. Yeah, we do some rapid fire questions.
37:55
Speaker 1: You don't have to answer super quick, but whatever first
37:58
Speaker 1: comes to your mind. Okay, is there an affirmation you
38:01
Speaker 1: tell yourself or something you say in your own mind
38:04
Speaker 1: to get you through hard moments?
38:06
Speaker 4: I can do anything that I want to do powerful.
38:11
Speaker 1: What's one of your favorite Nedra's nuggets that you've posted lately.
38:16
Speaker 3: I posted something along the lines of some people do
38:21
Speaker 3: bad things, but they are not bad people.
38:24
Speaker 4: Something along those lines.
38:25
Speaker 1: One small thing you've done for yourself lately that enriched
38:28
Speaker 1: your life.
38:29
Speaker 3: Oh so, my makeup artist, I had her come teach
38:33
Speaker 3: me last week how to put on lashes.
38:35
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh.
38:36
Speaker 1: You know, I was staring at yours this whole interview,
38:38
Speaker 1: thinking those are good.
38:41
Speaker 4: I can't believe that to day.
38:42
Speaker 3: But it was just the biggest challenge to me. So
38:48
Speaker 3: that's something that I will pay a makeup artist.
38:51
Speaker 4: Just for lashes. I'm like, can you just come and
38:53
Speaker 4: put on the lashes.
38:54
Speaker 3: What was really good about that was I like achieving
38:58
Speaker 3: things that I have made in my mind to be
39:01
Speaker 3: very hard things, and lashes was one of those things
39:04
Speaker 3: where I was canting myself, you cannot do it.
39:08
Speaker 4: It is so hard.
39:09
Speaker 3: Only professionals, but don't believe these girls on YouTube. Like
39:12
Speaker 3: I had all of these things, and when I did it,
39:15
Speaker 3: I was like wow. And it's those small moments that
39:19
Speaker 3: give me the courage to do so many other things,
39:22
Speaker 3: to say the hard things to people, to be able
39:24
Speaker 3: to you know what, I don't know where I'm going,
39:27
Speaker 3: but I'm going to drive like I'm lost, my phone
39:30
Speaker 3: is dead, you know, like to do these other things.
39:32
Speaker 3: I felt like I overcame something, even with just lashes.
39:36
Speaker 1: I love that it's so unexpected. This is a question
39:39
Speaker 1: I recently started asking everybody. Whatever pops into your mind. First,
39:44
Speaker 1: How can I are the pretty smart community help you.
39:46
Speaker 1: Is there something that you feel like you need at
39:48
Speaker 1: the moment.
39:50
Speaker 3: Well, I feel like there is something they need. And
39:52
Speaker 3: so I have this book set boundaries, fine piece, and
39:55
Speaker 3: I have a work book that is coming out in December,
39:59
Speaker 3: and I know what the books. So many people receive
40:03
Speaker 3: so much information about boundaries.
40:05
Speaker 4: There are exercises in.
40:06
Speaker 3: The book, but with the workbook, that is where we
40:10
Speaker 3: will really get to practice doing the work of boundaries.
40:14
Speaker 3: Because it's one thing to know that you're supposed to
40:17
Speaker 3: say something, but we really have to work through how
40:21
Speaker 3: to say it, what we'll do if the person has
40:23
Speaker 3: a certain response that maybe we don't like. And now
40:27
Speaker 3: I have this workbook and so I think it's a
40:29
Speaker 3: wonderful way for people to further their work in boundaries.
40:35
Speaker 1: What's a book that changed your life, something that you
40:37
Speaker 1: think everybody should read.
40:39
Speaker 3: There are so many books that I would not I
40:42
Speaker 3: don't want to leave anybody out.
40:44
Speaker 4: There's so many books.
40:46
Speaker 1: You can name a few.
40:48
Speaker 4: I can name a few.
40:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's kind of a bookie podcast, a bookie podcast.
40:53
Speaker 3: I think my book changed my life, and I'll tell
40:55
Speaker 3: you when I was doing the audio version, and I
40:59
Speaker 3: was shocked at some of the stuff I read and
41:02
Speaker 3: I wrote the book. I set better boundaries after the book,
41:05
Speaker 3: Like literally, I was reading a section and I was like,
41:08
Speaker 3: oh my gosh, like I need some boundaries right here
41:12
Speaker 3: because I'm doing this thing. So my book was really
41:16
Speaker 3: impactful even in reading it, and you have to do
41:21
Speaker 3: the work that you're teaching, and so it challenges me constantly,
41:26
Speaker 3: like even as I'm talking to you, I'm like, where
41:28
Speaker 3: can I tighten up?
41:29
Speaker 4: Where can I tighten up?
41:30
Speaker 3: Because I want to be not just the inspiration but
41:35
Speaker 3: also the thing that I am inspiring people to do.
41:38
Speaker 3: So that's that I love the four Agreements. There's a
41:41
Speaker 3: book called Choice Theory. I really love that book.
41:46
Speaker 4: There's a book called Piece from Broken Pieces. I love
41:50
Speaker 4: that book.
41:52
Speaker 3: I have so many books that I've learned so much
41:55
Speaker 3: from I have been reading since they taught me.
42:01
Speaker 4: I've been reading. I love it. I love it. I
42:04
Speaker 4: love it.
42:04
Speaker 3: And when I'm not reading, I'm listening to somebody read
42:07
Speaker 3: their book.
42:08
Speaker 4: I love it.
42:10
Speaker 3: And I try to take write down a few notes
42:13
Speaker 3: and think about how I can apply them and do
42:16
Speaker 3: that on a consistent basis.
42:19
Speaker 1: I have a card deck of fifty two questions. Is
42:21
Speaker 1: there a number that you can choose that pops into
42:24
Speaker 1: your mind?
42:24
Speaker 4: Seven?
42:25
Speaker 1: Lucky? All right, number seven. What moment do you wish
42:30
Speaker 1: you could go back and revel in something that you
42:32
Speaker 1: let pass you by because of life circumstances.
42:37
Speaker 3: I don't think I've let anything pass me by because
42:40
Speaker 3: of life circumstances. I'm always conscious of how to be
42:44
Speaker 3: in that moment. I remember giving birth to each of
42:48
Speaker 3: my daughters, and I can remember everything about it because
42:50
Speaker 3: I was there. I was like, look at her hair,
42:52
Speaker 3: look at her eyes, look at her fingers, look at
42:56
Speaker 3: her face, like look at oh my gosh, look at
42:58
Speaker 3: like I've wrote out everything I experienced that day, like
43:02
Speaker 3: I journaled about it, so don't. I don't have those moments,
43:06
Speaker 3: but I often joke and say I would love to
43:10
Speaker 3: be born again.
43:11
Speaker 4: I would love to see that, like if I could,
43:15
Speaker 4: if I could see a.
43:16
Speaker 3: Moment, I would like to see my own birth and
43:18
Speaker 3: just be able to think about all the people in
43:21
Speaker 3: the room, how they treated me, like the temperature my
43:25
Speaker 3: mother's responds to me, like I would. I would love
43:28
Speaker 3: to be able to you know, how people in movies
43:30
Speaker 3: have those dreams and they go back.
43:32
Speaker 4: I would love that to be my go back dream.
43:34
Speaker 1: I never thought about that. Yeah, okay, last question, what's
43:38
Speaker 1: the smartest decision you've ever made?
43:40
Speaker 3: Choosing my partner, choosing my husband? Yeah, that is one
43:45
Speaker 3: of the most significant things that we choose in our life,
43:49
Speaker 3: and who who we're with can really determine what things
43:54
Speaker 3: are like for us, how far we can go in
43:56
Speaker 3: our careers, how the co parenting process will be, what
44:01
Speaker 3: we think of ourselves. Sometimes we spend a lot of
44:04
Speaker 3: time in relationship with people, so I would say true,
44:09
Speaker 3: choosing my partner, choosing my friends, choosing how I want
44:14
Speaker 3: to show up. But yeah, the smartest decision is just choosing.
44:20
Speaker 1: How'd you know he was your person?
44:22
Speaker 4: We're good pals.
44:23
Speaker 3: We were friends for a little bit before we got together,
44:26
Speaker 3: but we are good pals, and I feel like I
44:30
Speaker 3: can be one hundred percent of myself. I've tested it out,
44:35
Speaker 3: I've worned to hear buying it. I've you know, oh,
44:39
Speaker 3: you know, all of.
44:40
Speaker 4: The things, and he's like, Okay, I don't care. I
44:42
Speaker 4: don't care. I'm like, oh my god, she's said he's sad.
44:45
Speaker 3: But yeah, I think there is just this connection you
44:49
Speaker 3: feel with the right people, with the right friends, with
44:51
Speaker 3: the right partner that cannot be duplicated, and it feels
44:56
Speaker 3: almost divine.
44:57
Speaker 4: It is.
44:58
Speaker 3: I feel that way when I meet like a really
45:00
Speaker 3: good friend, or I'm having a really good conversation and
45:03
Speaker 3: I'm like, I don't even want this to end.
45:05
Speaker 4: And that's how I.
45:06
Speaker 3: Felt, like, Okay, I gotta go with this. This seems
45:10
Speaker 3: like a really good choice, and it has been.
45:13
Speaker 1: So. I've heard Esther Peerrell talk about a love partner
45:17
Speaker 1: and a life partner and that they can be different things.
45:20
Speaker 1: I've always hoped that they were the same thing. Do
45:23
Speaker 1: you have thoughts on that.
45:25
Speaker 3: I've heard that you'll only get two real loves, which
45:28
Speaker 3: I guess is kind of aligned with that, And I
45:32
Speaker 3: hope that our love partner can be our life partner.
45:35
Speaker 3: I do hope that. I think anything is possible. I
45:39
Speaker 3: am here. This was not my dream in life when
45:43
Speaker 3: I was a kid. This wasn't even a possibility to
45:45
Speaker 3: do what I'm doing today. There was no podcasting, there
45:48
Speaker 3: was no Instagram, so I couldn't dream this up. So
45:51
Speaker 3: anything is possible. So of course, your love partner can
45:55
Speaker 3: be your life partner. It's about you creating that experience.
45:59
Speaker 3: I think sometimes when we create ideas about things, we
46:04
Speaker 3: believe them so much that we start to live those things.
46:08
Speaker 3: When people will cite do you believe in karma? I
46:11
Speaker 3: believe in anything you believe in. So if you think
46:15
Speaker 3: when I walk outside, I'm gonna see a frog, I
46:17
Speaker 3: think you gonna see a frog.
46:21
Speaker 4: I believe anything you believe.
46:22
Speaker 3: So if you believe that there's a love partner and
46:24
Speaker 3: a life partner, I believe that for you.
46:27
Speaker 1: Thank you, yeah, thank you for your time today. That
46:33
Speaker 1: was one of my favorite episodes to date. She has
46:36
Speaker 1: such a wonderful way of making hard things feel doable,
46:40
Speaker 1: and they are. They're so doable. I really love following
46:44
Speaker 1: Nedron Instagram. Make sure to check her out. She does
46:47
Speaker 1: a Q and A every Monday, and I learn a
46:49
Speaker 1: lot people writing questions and she answers, and it's also
46:54
Speaker 1: kind of cool because I realize we all have the
46:56
Speaker 1: same questions. It's so universal. She also has a workbook
47:00
Speaker 1: coming out that accompanies her book about boundaries, so check
47:03
Speaker 1: that out as well. All Right, today is a good day.
47:23
Speaker 1: To have a good day. I'll see you next wee