Latest / Get Curious, Not Furious / Go Away, I Hate You

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Go Away, I Hate You · Get Curious, Not Furious

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You love your child more than anything, and some days they drive you crazy.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Colette, a speech and language therapist, sense maker, and mom of three.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Get Curious, Not Furious.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Together let's make sense of your child and what's really happening in those moments that feel out of control.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Less reacting, more understanding.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to get curious instead of furious, keep listening.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Go away.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hate you.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not exactly the words you want to hear from your child.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if you look beyond the words and get curious about what might really be going on for them?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Last week we talked about being there for your child, coming alongside their feelings.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this week we're going to talk about what it looks like when you try to come alongside them and they yell at you to go away, say I hate you.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to thank the listeners who've shared some feedback with me about how much they're enjoying the podcast and how they're finding that either it reinforces the things that they're already doing and that gives me hope that there are more of us on this journey towards relational parenting, looking beneath the surface at what might be going on for our children rather than getting stuck in behavioral ways of thinking and responding.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you also to the listeners who shared how useful they're finding it to approach things in a different way in their parenting.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do if your child yells at you, I hate you, go away.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's pause and think about why children might say this.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do they really mean that they hate us?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is that really a true deep feeling that our children have for us?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and sometimes it might be that they're stuck and things aren't going right and then how they feel in their relationship with us, and in that moment they feel a really, really intense feeling and it comes out as I hate you.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: If we think about children at different ages, if your really young child says the words, I hate you, say they're, you know, maybe four or five, then chances are this is something that they've probably heard an older sibling say, they've heard another friend or child at school or preschool say, because it's not really a thought that you're sort of born with or develop in your early language to say to somebody that I hate you.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: How do children learn the whole concept of hating?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I guess it's the opposite of love in terms of from a language perspective.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: You might say, I love this or I hate that.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a term that I guess we as adults use.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I hate when I'm late for work or I hate that particular food.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I think as parents, we don't necessarily stop, pause, and think about what it means when we use that word hate about how powerful it can be when it's used in an emotionally charged way.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And when our children are screaming at us, I hate you, go away.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're very highly charged with emotion and they're probably stuck in some deep foul frustration.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, maybe we've set a limit that they isn't working for them, and their response is to say, I hate you.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Really, what they're trying to say is, I'm feeling out of control, I don't like the limit that you've set, I'm feeling disconnected, things aren't working for me.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So our job is to look beyond the words that I hate you that go away and get curious about what might really be going on for them.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I said earlier, if our younger children are saying it, then you know, in some ways I would take it with a grain of salt because a five-year-old or a four-year-old saying, I hate you, you know, is really not much different than saying I hate cucumber.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's a momentary fleeting feeling, they're highly frustrated, and we can easily move past it and tune into what might be going on for them.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying this is giving them permission to go around saying, I hate you, and we'll talk a bit later about how we can address that sort of social awareness of how our words can really hurt and impact others.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And also we can recognize the age and stage that they're at developmentally.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you have an older child and they're upset and you try to come close to them and come alongside their feelings like we talked about last week, and they yell at you to go away or they're saying I hate you frequently, then I would say you've got work to do in your relationship with them.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that they're harboring frustration and upset about other things or other relationships in their life that aren't working for them, or it might be that there's something in their relationship with you that's not working for them.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: When our children say things like, Go away, I hate you, then I'm offering you to think about what might really be going on for them in that moment.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: If we think about from a brain perspective, if someone's yelling at you to go away, I hate you, they're in a highly alarmed state.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're not really in their thinking brain, they're stuck in that, you know, either fight or flight mode.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: What are some of the things we might say that would lead to a response of I hate you, go away from our child?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that we've set a limit.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that they're being defiant about that limit and we push back against it and they dig their heels in, and out come the most powerful words that they can access in that moment without thinking about it, the I hate you.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's guaranteed to get us stirred up.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Our children might say that in response to us getting angry with them because their fear response is triggered.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want our children to be afraid of us.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: If your child's yelling at you to go away, I hate you, then it's time for you to pause, stop, and think about what's really going on in this moment and how can your response diffuse the situation.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So when they say, I hate you, yes, in that moment that might be what they're really feeling.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that it's a fleeting feeling and an expression of anger, or it might be that they've got some really deep-rooted feelings about what's going on in their relationship with you.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Is it really true?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Should you take it personally?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I would say no, don't take it personally, but do take it as a sign that maybe there's some work to do in your relationship with them.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do our children even know what hating means?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Where in their worlds have they heard that word being used?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Pause and think about in your family, how often does anybody say the word hate?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: To be able to feel that strong, intense feeling of hate, then we also need to be able to feel that strong, intense feeling of love.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Gordon Nefeld talks to us about mixed feelings, being able to be afraid and have courage, being able to love somebody and to to feel unlove or hate for them.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I find hate a very emotionally charged word, and it's not a word that I guess really like to use in my family, and I'm mindful of when I say things like, oh, I really hate cucumber, which is a thing that I really dislike, because what does it mean, especially in the context of a world where there is so much hatred and conflict and fighting?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Bring it back to your family and your values, and what do you want your children to go up believing and understanding about love and its opposite?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do when they yell at you to go away?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I hate you.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What you do is that you do go away, and then they start screaming at you, don't leave me.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now this is a sign of a brain that's in total fight or flight mode.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is a brain that isn't able to mix its feelings.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a brain that's going pushing away the person that they really want to rely on for closeness and connection.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why you'll get that pull between, go away, I hate you, and come back, please don't leave me alone.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: It can be really confusing for us to know what to do in those moments when nothing we seem to do helps.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're screaming at us to go away.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we go away and think, okay, fine, I'll leave you, you can sort it out by yourself.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then they yell at us to come back, and we respond with something like, Well, the last time I came back, you yelled at me to go away, so I'm just gonna leave you or you know, make up your mind.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And just hear me say those things and how much language and words I'm bringing to that situation.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked before in earlier episodes about when our children are escalated, dysregulated, overwhelmed by big emotions and feelings, that the best thing we can do is to say as little as possible.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: We can offer them reassurance with our presence, with just the right amount of distance to help them feel safe so that they're not going between that fight and and freeze and flee mode.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we can use our body language, we can offer some gentle reassurances that help de-escalate the situation.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: No logic is going to appeal to a brain that's stuck in.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hate you.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: If your child freezes, what I say, you know, the shutdown, more, withdraw when you leave, don't be fooled by this freeze response.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just because they stop yelling at you to go away doesn't actually mean that they are okay.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Working out what the most helpful response is for your child takes intuition, takes practice, and what works for if you've got more than one um child, what works for one of them will probably not work for the other.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: What I notice with one of my children is there are times when he's really mad, and the most helpful thing for him in those moments is that I do back off, that I don't add fuel to the fire, and when he yells at me to go away, I go like, okay, wow, we really have things are really, really hot and hot here, and I need to back off so that I don't make the situation worse.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I do back off, I'm not leaving him to deal with his own feelings by himself.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm recognizing that he needs space.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I might say something like, Okay, I can see you need a bit of space, I'll be right outside in the kitchen, or I'll be right close by.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't leave him for too long.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I listen, I determine is the energy, is he calming down a little bit?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a bit less sort of smashing and yelling?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'll gently come back in and I might say from outside the door, hey, I'm still right here, let me know when you need me.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I just keep checking in.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I keep letting him know that no matter how much he tells me he hates me or tells me to go away, that our relationship is still solid and that I'll still be there for him, even in those moments when he tells me that he hates me.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can take away the fuel from the fire, especially if I'm the source of his frustration, if I'm the one that has, you know, set a limit, or if I've, you know, gotten angry or raised my voice, and that's caused him to, you know, feel unsafe and yell at me to go away, then I know that taking myself out of the situation in that moment is going to be the most helpful thing.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you have another adult around, then they might be able to step in and come alongside your child's frustrated feelings.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: For me as a solo parent, a lot of my frame of reference and thinking is in terms of the personal stories that I share, come from being a solo parent and needing to manage um these tricky parenting situations on my own.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: For many of you, even if you are in a relationship and you have two parents, there are many times where you're going to be on your own fighting the fires, managing the feelings because another parent is out at work or they're out doing something.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So although this might come from a solo parenting experience, um it also comes with the knowledge that there are many times that we do have to parent alone.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: What your child needs to know from you is that no matter how many I hate you, they send your way, that the relationship is still okay.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whose responsibility is this to let them know that the relationship is still okay?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: That responsibility rests firmly with us as their parents.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: That is an adult responsibility to make sure the relationship is okay.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: It is never a child's responsibility to repair a relationship.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: We absolutely have to take the lead on that.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's going to take a lot of grace, a lot of maturity, and you mightn't have that in you in that moment.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure that you don't try to go back and make things okay if you're feeling angry and resentful and you're full of frustration and ill feeling towards them.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: When your child is screaming at you, go away, I hate you.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's telling you that there's something else going on in their world, something that's stirring them up.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if you respond with your own anger and frustration?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them you hate them, you don't care how they're feeling.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Phew, sometimes those words do come out of our mouths.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it might happen.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: We know it's not okay, but we're all human and we all make mistakes.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can go back and repair.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, Ah, I'm sorry those words came out of my mouth.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: It happened just last week in my house.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: One of my kids was yelling at me and I got so frustrated that I yelled back and I said things that I regret.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And within seconds of having said them, I was like, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't the right thing to say.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now my apology wasn't well received in that moment.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was firmly told to go away because you know, things had gotten too heated and I hadn't backed off soon enough.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said I was sorry, we've repaired our relationship.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now the difference is if I keep doing this, if I keep, you know, getting reactive, escalating, saying hurtful things, responding with anger, then, you know, and and things don't really change in terms of how I parent.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the model that I'm setting for my child is, well, you can yell at me, you can say awful things, you can come back and say a sorry, but you know, you can just keep doing the same thing over and over again.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm challenging you to think about is that yes, we can hold space for repair, yes, we can hold space for our humanity, and that we will make mistakes, but what's our belief around how we can relate to our children, whether it's okay to yell at them or not, and whether we can do the growing up work that we need to do to change those heated responses that we sometimes have?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm encouraging you to do is to make some time to explore how you feel when your child tells you to go away.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: We will all have different responses based on our own life experiences.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel rejected?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel defensive?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have some understanding and compassion where you can go like, this isn't about me, my child's just having a hard time, and those words don't really mean anything?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or does it make you feel really angry where you want to say, How dare you speak to me that way, or you cannot tell me that you hate me, or oh, I'm so hurt that you spoke to me that way.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: We are wired for connection.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So just in as much as our children, when they yell at us to go away and say I hate you, what they really need is connection, when we hear those words coming at us from our children, it fractures the connection that we need too.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're all wired for connection, when we're feeling our most vulnerable, upset, afraid, angry, why would we tell the person we love and depend on to go away?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make sense.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And yet it happens.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our children, whose brains are growing and maturing, they're learning how to mix their feelings, to be angry but not to say hurtful things, they will come out with words that they might later regret.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they'll come out with words that they don't even know are hurtful.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: The younger they are and the less modeling and social coaching they've had from us, they just some, you know, if your four-year-old yells at you, I hate you, they don't know that's really what it means.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: If your 11-year-old yells at you, I hate you, then you know you've got a bit of a problem, particularly if it's happening lots and lots.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: If it happens occasionally, don't make a big deal of it.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Take it as a sign that they need a little bit more connection and to feel right in their relationship with you.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: If it's happening lots and lots, then you definitely have work to do to get curious about what is going on in their world and why isn't their relationship with you working for them.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Our children will become defended and put their walls up.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: They might not be willing to be vulnerable.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: F you might come your way.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: When they feel this way towards the world, screw the world, screw you, I hate you, I don't care.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Those responses are a sign that they really have put their walls up.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're defended.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And why do we put our walls up?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because we don't want to get hurt.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: We need to make it safe for our children to feel vulnerable, to be able to say those immature words of I hate you or go away, and know that it won't affect our relationship with them.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Know that we'll still be there for them, and know that we will preserve the relationship no matter what.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: So how can we respond?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: From a space of love and connection and preserving their relationship.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is different than being permissive.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're not giving them permission to say I hate you or go away or other hurtful things, but you're going, okay, in this moment, those are the words that are coming out.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you might have a story that you need to tell yourself in your head, this isn't about me, this isn't personal, this is my child having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: When we come at it from a space of curiosity and understanding, then how we respond will be much more effective in the short term and the long term than if we come at it from, you know, we must stop this behavior.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: How dare they speak to me that way?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is that you respond.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: We as adults do need to take the lead in those moments when our child is yelling and screaming at us to go away.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by taking the lead, I don't mean that we get in there and overpower them and stop them and yell at them or offer a punishment if they don't stop saying those words.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: We need to take the lead in knowing what they need from us in terms of relational connection and some co-regulation.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: How can we help diffuse the situation and soothe them?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: In circle of security terms, how can we be that safe haven that they need?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they're yelling at you to leave them alone, that's probably not what they need in that moment.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Get curious and get to know your child.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Get to know their cues.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: What's going to help them feel safe in this moment?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Robin Gabel has a framework.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she's written a great book called Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she has a framework where she talks about children being in their watchdog brain, their owl brain, or their possum brain.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now the watchdog brain is the one where it's on high alert, and if your child is yelling and screaming at you, go away, I hate you, they are definitely in their watchdog brain.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: So check out Robin's work or read her book if you can, because it's really, really helpful framework for reading your child and understanding ways that you can respond.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have a question.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: What's it like to be left alone with your big feelings that are so overwhelming you don't know what to do with them?
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, some of us push people away, others might seek a lot of contact and closeness.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it's never really nice to be left alone with your big feelings.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want your child growing up thinking that their big feelings are things they need to manage by themselves, or that they can lean into their relationship with you and with others for support?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Our job is to co-regulate them, not to leave them to manage these feelings by themselves.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: You might be thinking, well, what does co-regulation look like in the face of go away, I hate you?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Less is more.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can be there without adding fuel to the fire.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do you notice that they keep trying to draw you in?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's probably a sign that their brain is going, I really need this person to help me feel safe.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: And also I'm not feeling safe in this moment, so I'm going to scream at that person to go away.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ignore them.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ignore the repeated attempts to try and draw you in.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Take it as a sign that they they need you, but they're not able to express that or communicate that in that moment.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge how they're feeling.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You might say, This is tricky.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Be really mindful about not adding a word to how you think they're feeling.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about this in earlier episodes.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: That can be really inflammatory and make it worse.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: They might scream back at you, I'm not angry with you.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: And yet you know they are.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: What they need, in the words of Gordon Neufeld, is an invitation to exist in your presence.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Make it safe for them to depend on you no matter how they are feeling.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: How do you do this?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it starts with exploring how you have been responding and thinking about has that been working or is it not working?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean working to stop them yelling and screaming at you.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean is it working for the relationship?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is it making it safe for them to depend on you?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Is it making it safe for them to express their feelings no matter what they are?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take it personally when your child yells at you.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Take it as a sign that you have some work to do.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: You'll need to pause, you'll need to get curious, you'll need to be up front with yourself and and maybe do some confronting work around ooh, is how I've been responding in those moments.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Has it been helpful or has it actually been harmful?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Have my responses been making things worse?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know in earlier years, when any of my children would yell at me to go away, I would, you know, feel my rejection sensitivity really getting triggered.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And a part of me would go, Oh my goodness, I'm your mom.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't leave you.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: My job is to be there for you no matter what.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I would get a bit stuck in kind of wanting to push them to want me to be there.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: What I've learned over time, with a little bit of trial and error, is that it's a really delicate dance.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's a dance of going backwards and forwards with just the right amount of connection and co-regulation so that they know that you're there for them without your presence being the thing that pushes them back further into defendedness and anger and putting their walls up.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: It takes practice, it takes time, and each child is different in terms of how they'll respond.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: We can use play to help support the safe expression of those feelings.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by play is having emotional playgrounds, again, the words of Gordon Neufeld, games where they can explore those feelings of telling somebody to go away, but it's not for real.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not outcome focused, it's playful.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hide and seek is a great game to play, no matter what age and stage your child is at.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can use music, drawing, movement, play fighting, any of those times where it's not in the moment of the incident, but a time where you're playing with your child and they get to one step removed feel those feelings of what it's like to be so angry that you want to yell at somebody to go away, but then you're so scared that you're going to be on your own that you scream at them to come back.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's really, really confusing for our children when they've got these big massive emotions and they're stuck in anger or and frustration and they aren't able to find their tears.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because in finding their tears of futility, the tears of, oh my goodness, this really isn't working, oh my goodness, I can't have what I want in that moment.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's only through feeling those tears that they can bounce back and find their resilience.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have seen this time and time again, both in myself when I find my tears and in my children, that the release comes from the tears.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: They get back to their center, they get back to right relationship when they've found their tears.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: For one of my children who is particularly defended and is the one most likely to yell at me, go away, I hate you.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: He can go for months without having his tears.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: But oh my goodness, when they come, those tears are big.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: He finds it really hard to cry, he finds it hard to be vulnerable.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so my job is to keep showing up and making it safe for him to be vulnerable and to have those feelings.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when he does find his tears and the defenses soften, then he's much more back on what I would call an even keel.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's more cooperative, limits are easier for him to accept, and the flow of life is is easier for everyone, including for him.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do to be able to be there for him?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I need to lean on adults that I know that can provide support for me when I'm dealing with these times of big feelings.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because he might hate me one minute and want to play with me the next, then I have to be gracious and go, wow, I really don't feel like playing with you right now.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: You've yelled at me, you've screamed at me, you've gotten really mad.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the last person I feel like spending time with.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: So no, I don't feel like playing with them, but I have learned to be gracious enough to look past that behavior, to look past the I hate you, and put our relationship first.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: I always address the behavior outside the incident.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't ask for an apology, I don't take it personally, I don't say you can't speak to me that way.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the next day, maybe later that day, when we're back in right relationship, then I'll bring their awareness to Well, when you say those words, what's the impact that it has on me?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's another way that you could express how you're feeling in that moment?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can guide them for what they can say instead in those moments, but again I do that outside the incident, not in the moment.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: When your child is yelling and screaming at you to go away telling you that they hate you, your job is to defuse the situation, offer some co-regulation, and take all the heated energy out of it.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Know that you have some work to do, know that they've got some stuck feelings, and know that you've got some work to do to soften their defenses.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it will take some time.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it demands curiosity, it demands growth on your part and open-mindedness to go, oh my kid's not just being a little to rag yelling at me, and they're not being ungrateful for all the things I've done for them.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're having a really hard time.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take it personally.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Know that you can take the lead and know that no matter what, the most important message for your child is to know that nothing will divide the relationship.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's no amount of I hate you that can get in the way of the invitation that you have for them and how much you care for them.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear what's happening in your family.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a parent in question, challenge, or concern, send me a message.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Together we can make sense of what's going on.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this episode helpful, please like it, share it with another parent, and follow the podcast to help grow this community.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay curious.