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An Unlikely Affair: The Song That Changed Everything (Part One) · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi, Amber. Hi, Lola. Welcome to an unlikely affair.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of an unlikely affair.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hi, Lola. Hi, babe. I missed you. I'm so happy
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: you're back.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy to be back.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: And in my bed.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Ocean's not so happy, but I am.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Fuck them. Okay.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Sorry, that's just my mood today.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I don't think you're saying that about Ocean. No, I'm not.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Trust me, I'm well aware.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: I am so excited for today's guest. I heard her
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: speak at a meeting once, and I was completely in
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: awe of her story, and I was just like, her
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: story needs to be shared. So, that person is Christina Perry.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Hello.
• 0:47
  Speaker 4: Hi.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I'm a little starstruck. Oh, my God. Yes.
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: I mean, like when when I heard that you were
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: confirmed and ready to come in, I was so excited
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: because you just have like so many layers and your
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: resume is absolutely incredible. You're talented, but you also share.
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: The Journey in Sobriety, which Amber and I both share
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: as well. So I'm so excited to have you.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, yay. I'm excited to be here. Thank you.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: So I want you to say, OK, tell me the
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: exact story you told me on the meeting. But I
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: want to go back a little bit further.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Where did you grow up? I grew up in Philadelphia.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: My dad's from Italy. So he immigrated in like the 50s.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: And then I have just the biggest Italian family ever.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: And South Philadelphia and all over that area. And I
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: grew up there. And Love it. I still love Philly.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I have so many Philadelphia tattoos. I'm like so obnoxiously Philly.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: But if you're from Philly, like you have to be.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: You guys wear your Philly. Yeah, we do. We do.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: And honestly, I appreciate it. I always have been. And
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: like even in through my career, I feel like Philly
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: has appreciated that I appreciate Philly. And they've been like
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: the best to me. Like Wawa sends me free stuff
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: every month. Like I just am like. I was voted
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: number two favorite artist out of Philly. Obviously Bradley Cooper
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: would be number one. And I'm cool with that. Cause
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: I love him too. And you're in two very different categories.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I would say so. Thank you. But I, um, yeah,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I very much, uh, still keep Philly with me, even
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: though I've been living in LA since 2009. Like so 2007. Yeah.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Can I ask you one question, though?
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: Because you said you have a lot of Philly tattoos.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Do you have an eagle anywhere? No, but I have
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: the actual city of Philadelphia here. That's sick. And I
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: have it as 1776 in honor of, I don't even know.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: When it was established?
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: They're like, we declare this state.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Philadelphia. Literally, what? I don't even know why I did that.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know when I did that. There's a lot
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: of tattoos that I got in my non-sober period. Got it. Same.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: That just appeared one day, and that's one of them.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I think I was doing it in honor of the
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Declaration of Independence or something. That's hysterical.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: You would have been a fun drunk to hang out with.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: You weren't crazy. I could see you were fun.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, I was both, girl.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: You were a good time.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I was a good time. There was a good time,
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: and then I wasn't.
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: I'm always a good time until one too many vodka sodas.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: And then i end up with heart tattoos around my
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: nipple and then i have.
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: To explain it to my five-year-old dude wait i've got
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: i've got one of my butt that says do you
• 3:19
  Speaker 4: like it and it has it has splash marks that
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: i didn't ask for and i have to explain that
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: to my eight-year-old what is the.
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: Splash marks she doesn't know they're just i have a
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: few ideas but how do you explain it to your eight-year-old.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I have said it was a joke, that I got
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: it with my friends, and that's it. I didn't go
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: into being blackout drunk while getting it. And then the
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: artist deciding to add splash marks. She can find that
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: all out a little bit later. A little bit later.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Do you just have the one daughter? No, I have Carmela,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: who's eight and a half. And I have to say half.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: She'd be super offended if I just said eight. We
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: just celebrated her half birthday, which I don't recommend starting
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: that because now it's a thing. It's a disaster. And
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I wake up literally the day of and I'm like,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: oh my God, I didn't have anything planned. Eight and
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: a half and then almost four. I have another daughter
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: named Pixie and she's my baby. The baby. So two girls. Amazing.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I did have a daughter between the two of them
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: named Rosie and she passed away. Yeah, so I have
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: three girls. I'm so sorry. Thank you. How old did
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: your daughter pass away at? She died in utero, but
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: I was like full term. I am so sorry. Thank you. Yeah,
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: it's really hard. It's a huge part of my story.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: So just throwing it out there.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: So Philly, you grow up there. You're a fucking badass.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: You discover your voice.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Like at what age?
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: You're like, oh, I actually have talent.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, I was the last person to know. I did not... Well,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: I got a record deal when I was 23. So
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: that's when Oh, and funny enough, my best friend Kelty
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: is my fairy godmother in all of this because I
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: had a friend who you guys know, but she moved
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: to LA because she was like, you are talented and
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: you don't play shows and I'm your only fan and
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna like manage you and I was like, Okay,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: and I was a waitress. I mean, I should go
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: back a little further, but Kelty was like, like I
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: didn't perform. I had, um, songs on YouTube before that
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: was like a thing. Like I would just put up covers,
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: but like I had no views. I always say Kelty
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: was my only viewer. Like she was like just my
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: bestie who was like, I think you're talented. And I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: was like, cool. Like I was actually very shy. So
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I grew up, I loved musical theater. I loved writing songs.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: I loved the Beatles. I was very emo and, like
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: in my bathroom listening to Mariah Carey crying and Selena
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: and like singing like I was in the movie and
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: like singing about love I never had. And I, um,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: so I was always that person, but like, I was
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: just not the big performer, like out loud. Like, I
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: think I was just a little bit too shy. I
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: also think it ties into my alcoholism. Yeah. Well, you had.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: Deep feelings, like deep feelings. You just didn't know what
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: to do with them. Like you weren't a songwriter yet,
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: but you had that in you.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: 100%. And I think, I now think I was always
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: a little songwriter, like going back even to being four.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: My mom said that I like wrote a letter to
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Santa and said like, I don't deserve any presents. Like
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: that's like, that is so emo. Like I can't even
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: pretend that I'm not, but, but it, but like I've now,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: now that I'm almost 40, I've gone back in so
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: many different ways through therapy. And I'm just like, oh,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I was always a little songwriter, but I was also
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: always an alcoholic. Like I always felt uncomfortable in my skin.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable in my body, uncomfortable being me. So for my
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: teen years, like a lot of that one over like
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: my true essence, because I was just like a teenager.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: So I got older and braver, but I think really
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: it took Kelty believing in me first, um, and making
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: me play shows and making me, um, give people my
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: music or record my music even. Cause no one had heard.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I wrote Jar of Hearts, um, um, December 29th, 2009. And, uh,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: so good. Thank you. And I only showed Kelty and, uh, and,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: and she was like, you have to, you know, play
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: this for, um, no, no. She said, email it to me.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: And I was like, no dude, like I, I don't
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: want you to show anybody. And she was like, I
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: promise I won't show anyone. And then she immediately emailed
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: it to the choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Stacey Tukey, who she grew up with in Canada doing
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: dance together. And Stacey was like having a big moment.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Once again, Kelty knew everything in pop culture and I didn't.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: So she knew how big So You Think You Can
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Dance was and I didn't. So she was like, maybe
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: one day you can play this on your show. And
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: then Stacey was like, how about Wednesday? And that was
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: June 30th, 2010. Jar of Hearts, the demo that I
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: made got played on the show. And then I flew
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: to New York City the next day, got a record deal.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: It's wild. My origin story is insane, but it has
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: so much to do, one, with me moving out of
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: my own way. I was always in my way. I
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: found this out sort of my whole life, and I'm
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: still learning this. But also the story of someone else
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: believing in you is so big. Kelty knows I wouldn't
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: be here without her. I've joked about giving her my
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: firstborn child. But instead, I just got Matt and Nathan
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: to sing at her wedding, and we're good. Um, so we, uh,
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: you know, I, I really kind of look at it
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: like so many stars aligned, but like it, it was,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: it wasn't all me. Like I, I was so like,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I feel like unable to make this happen in my life.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Like I was not like as driven or as like, like,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: like so many people are like, I need to be heard. Like, I,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you guys know the Enneagram, like
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Enneagram threes are like, they need to achieve, but Enneagram four,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: which is me, uh, which is actually so Enneagram four
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: of me even to say that. um, we're like, like
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: we have to be unique, but like, don't look at us. Oh,
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: that is so emo of you.
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: But I do think that the, the entertainment industry is
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: made up of those two numbers because you have like
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: really talented people who suffer with their gifts and like,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: you know, just end up connecting in the world and
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: connecting with people and having success through their art, but
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: in spite of them. And then you have the people like,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: You know, Ryan Tedder, who's like, I'm going to win
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: every single thing I ever do. And then he does.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: See, I want that attitude. What's your zodiac sign?
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I'm a Leo. Oh, I love a Leo. But I'm Aquarius, Aquarius.
• 9:34
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius. leo so i i'm like i'm a
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: little bit more aquarius the older i get.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: So you decided to come out to california i'm sure
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: after that entire uh situation exploded yes so.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: I well i had actually come to la uh before
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: that happened and kelty is the one who came out
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: here and like cause I came out here thinking maybe
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: I'd be a songwriter. Cause like I had loved writing songs.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: So like I thought, oh, that's a job I could do.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: I could write songs for other people and then I
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: don't have to sing them. And then you don't have
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: to be the face. You can get your art out.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: The universe had other plans. It was like 100% me.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: But at the time, I kind of tricked myself into
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: thinking like, oh, let me just go to the land
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: where people do this. And then that's when I went first.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: And then Kelty followed maybe a year later and was like,
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: you're a mess. I was drinking. I actually think this
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: all ties together because when I moved out here, I
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: drank for another year and a half maybe. And then
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I got sober. none of this would have happened if
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I didn't get sober. Like this all, this is where
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: the rubber met the road. It was like, no, no, no.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: I was so lost in every capacity. But during the
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: time that I wasn't sober, that I was out here
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: without Kelty here, I was like, you know, working at
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: three different restaurants and then I was just like drunk
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: every day and sleeping in every morning. And So like
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I was doing nothing. Like I came out here with
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: a dream and then I did what like a lot
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: of people do when they come out to LA is
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: like they come out here and they don't do it.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: So can I ask you something?
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: When you, you got the record deal before you moved
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: to LA, like when, when you hear someone got a
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: record deal, most people think, which I think with the
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: spotlight on the music industry right now, you realize how
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: many artists are really done dirty because.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: It's not like millions just fell into your lap and
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: you were off to the races, right? That's exactly what
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: happened to me. A hundred percent.
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: No, no.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Like I, what's funny is mostly what you're saying is
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: actually true for most everyone. But what did happen was,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: so I didn't get the record deal until the song
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: played on So You Think You Can Dance. But were
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: you in L.A. at that point in time? I had
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: come to L.A., but I was doing nothing. Okay, you
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: were in L.A.
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: Got it.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Kelty coming here was like, you're going to do this.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: I made a demo of Jar of Hearts. That was
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: the only thing I had done. Okay. Didn't have managers.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Didn't have a label. Was just a waitress.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: So it is kind of unique and also like feels fake,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: but like I literally went from being a waitress to
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: recording artists overnight. And what's interesting is that was just
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: maybe as hard as what happens to other people too.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Like having your dream come true, like it was, I
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: certainly don't want to sound ungrateful. It was awesome. And
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: I actually have a funny story of the day that
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: the record deal hit my bank account. I had like
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: $ 36 in my bank account and I was sitting at
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: sushi with Kelty and she was like buying me lunch
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: for the 400th time because she just had a job
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: that was a little better than my job, you know,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: but she was always looking out for me like a
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: big sister. And then we were sitting having sushi and like,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I literally got a text message like that. I had
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: gotten my record deal and I was like, Kelty, I'm
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: going to buy you lunch forever. Like I thought like
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: I was like super rich, which at the time I
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: was considering I only had $ 36 in there before. But
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: so that actually did, I literally, it, it did happen
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: to me overnight. But then uh, the journey of it
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: began that, that comes with like all the things that
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: everyone experiences in the music industry and like being done
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: dirty is like, I have so many versions of that,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: even though I did enter this business where my song
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: did well first. So the song went to the top
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: of the charts the night it was on. So you
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: think you dance and everyone's like, who is Christina Perry?
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: What is this? And I was like, I don't even know.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Like what? It's not supposed to be me. I thought
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I was going to give it to someone else. And
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I mean, it happened so fast. that it was really traumatizing.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I actually still deal with that trauma in therapy in
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: different ways than it just happening. That was really cool,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: like winning the lottery, but we also know winning the
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: lottery is sometimes a curse. So I spent 14 years
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: now in the music industry trying to... get level because
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: like it started so crazy. So I don't know which
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: one's better. I don't know if I should have been
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: riding around in a van, you know, playing and they're like,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: you know, everyone goes, I'm not an overnight sensation. I've
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: been doing this my whole life. And I'm just like,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: I'm an overnight sensation. I, you know, I just did
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: this today, but like definitely just as hard. Wow.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you have to have someone that, going back
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: to what you said, you have to have someone that
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: believes in you. Because in moments where you doubt yourself
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: and you don't believe in yourself, if it's just that
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: one person that's carrying you through, and it goes back
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: to the program that we're in, it's a we program.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: I can walk into a room and be completely devastated,
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: upset about something, and I know that I'm not alone,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: and someone's going to carry me through the next moment,
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: the next minute, the next five minutes, the next thing
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm on the other side of whatever that is.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh, wait. I am okay. I am
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: good at what I do.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Well, I will say, so when this all did happen,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I was sober a year and a half. So that year,
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: for me, a year being sober, I did 12 steps.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I learned what contrary action was. I learned all these things.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: And man, I just don't think it all would have
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: happened if I didn't. Because I knew to trust Kelty
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: more than me. Because I knew to just be where
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: my feet are. Because I knew to... I had a sponsor.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I called that sponsor every freaking day. I was like,
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: I'm flying to Europe. I'm on TV. I'm doing this.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: It was in the height of everything. I don't know
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: how I kept it. Maybe that's what higher power is
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: or an example of it in my life. Because I
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: have a really... weird relationship with god but i um
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: i i see it like the proof i think was
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: that i i stayed sober and was able to be
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: present for that because i think if i a if
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: i hadn't gotten sober i don't think it would.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Have happened how did you know you needed to get
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: sober sorry to cut you off but where was that
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: moment in in your life where you're like oh shit
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: this has become a problem so i.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Was married to my first husband who i married uh
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: in florida on ecstasy when i was 21 and Wow.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: There were signs the whole time. I just had a
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: life full of those.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: Well, I actually.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Didn't even know the term blackout until I got sober.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: But I think from 17 to... Well, I got sober
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: at 23, but.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: For those years, they're all blurry because I think I'm
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: just a blackout drinker. I think I just was always
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: in a blackout. And so so many things happened I
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: don't even recall or know how. So I ended up
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: moving to L.A., being a waitress, but meeting someone four
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: months later. We got married in Florida on ecstasy. I
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: don't know. Came back. All of a sudden, I live
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: in Silver Lake. I have a husband and two chihuahuas.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: And I was just like, what is my life? How
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: did I get here?
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: So I mean, I'm obviously fast-forwarding a lot of things.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: But I... I woke up, I always, I like to
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: say this if I get to speak. I woke up
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: on April 10th, 2009. And what I look back now
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: can consider was like this little gift next to my bed,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: which was, I should get sober. Just the thought. It
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: was like, I should get sober. And my husband at
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: the time, he had already gone to work. I had
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: alcohol poisoning. I was sick all over the room, all
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: over our dog. Like, you know, it was one of
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: those demoralizing kind of mornings. But for some reason I
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: had that thought for the first time ever. I'd never
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: had that thought before. I didn't hang out with sober people.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: It was not a thing. People were like, you have
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: a problem because I did a very good job of like,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: I don't know, appearances. Like I learned, my mom's a hairdresser.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: I learned from a very young age, like to make
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: everything look great so that like no one knows. So
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I didn't have people saying like you have a problem
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: or anything, but so it was a completely like magical
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: independent thought that I had. But I look back also
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: to must've been somewhere around then that I was at
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: a bar, um, maybe two or three weeks before this happened.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: And there was a girl there who was drinking Red Bulls,
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: who was a friend of my friend. I was friends
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: with the DJ and she's like hanging out and she
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: was drinking Red Bulls and she was like, no, I
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: don't drink. And so I was like, oh, and like
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: left her immediately. I was like, why would I be
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: friends with you? Yeah. Not my girl. So I never
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: thought of her again until that moment because I was like,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: I know a sober person. Like, I wonder how she
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: does it. Like she was the one that popped into
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: my head when I thought I should be sober. I
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: thought of this girl named Brett and I was like, Oh, I, I,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: I wonder if I should ask her. And so what's
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: actually really interesting is, so I asked the DJ to,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: to hook me up with Brett. Brett was not sober
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: anymore that quick and was like, Ask this girl. And
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: so then this one girl said, let me let me
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: ask this guy. And the guy was actually Dax Shepard,
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: which is so crazy. Wow. And said to him, hey,
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: there's a girl that wants to get sober. Like, what
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: should she do? And Dax said, tell your friend to
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: go to the log cabin at eleven thirty a.m. on Sunday.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: And this was like a Friday. And I was like,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: I didn't know who Dax Shepard was. I didn't know
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: that all happened till later. I've since then hugged him
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: and thanked him because I feel like I'm here because
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: of him. And I still have the same sponsor I
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: met that day. So my life changed that day. And
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I went to that meeting and I, I sat in
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: the speaker seat. I didn't even know that there was
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: such a thing. I'd never been to a meeting. And
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: of course, I smelled like I belonged there. I was
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: all dressed up. I'm like, it's church. I was like, ooh.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: But I was a mess. And then the woman who
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: was speaking, I asked her eventually to sponsor me. But
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: she gave me her phone number that day. And then
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: she's been my sponsor for 16 years. That's incredible. And
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: so I knew I needed to get sober to answer
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: your question. I knew I needed to. really physically get sober.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I relapsed. I stayed sober for two years, went out
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: the day my album came out. So fast forward everything
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: until 2011, May 10th, 2011, the night my album came
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: out at midnight, I drank by myself, lost my sobriety.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And then I didn't get sober for nine months. And
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: in those nine months, I tried to drink like a gentleman.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: I had a head you know, a head full of program,
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: but I emotionally hit the bottom and that was huge
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: for me. So I was like, I actually was just
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: so physically ill in 2009 that I was like, it's,
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: this is an easy choice. Like I just need to
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: not be sick.
• 20:02
  Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: And then once I was not doing that anymore and
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I was just kind of chill about it and not
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: going overboard, not crossing the line, not blacking out, I
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: wanted to die. Like I just was like, my friend
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: was like, you know, asked me if I wanted to
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: go to a meeting and I was like, I guess.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: And then I went and that was March 1st, 2012.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: And I've been sober since.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: In that moment where you decided to drink when your
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: album came out, was that a feeling of just being unworthy?
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: Or what was the driving force of that dark moment
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: for you?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: It's a great question. It was a combination. You know,
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: they say you kind of relapse backwards. Like you start
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: doing the 12 steps backwards before you go out. So
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: for me, that was really true because, you know, it
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: started with like going to less meetings. Now I was
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: also in the height of my career. This was like
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: rate jar of hearts is huge thousand years. I just
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: wrote it. Like it's like, like paper, it seems like
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: you have it all. Exactly. Everything, which is also very
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Enneagram for me to be like, I'm going to drink now.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: I need to know what this is. Yes, please. It's
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: so good. Nine numbers. It's a whole thing. You got
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: to get, take me through it after. Okay, so I
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: will say, you know, it wasn't as dramatic as just
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: my albums out, I'm going to drink, it really was
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: probably months of me not going to meetings as much
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: not talking to my sponsor as much. I wasn't sponsoring
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: any other people, which I think is also worth noting,
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: because I always say that now when I speak that
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: until I got this sobriety, and started sponsoring other women,
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: I stayed. So I think that's a huge piece of
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: it is I wasn't really doing 12, uh, the 12th step,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: but also, um, I drank over a dude. I mean,
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: I had like the worst relationship and what's kind of
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: wonderful now is that I promised myself after that I
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: would never drink over a dude. Like I made like
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: a hard non-negotiable, uh, and I haven't, which is great,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: but like, That I needed to do too. Like I
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: was in just like endlessly bad relationships. And then that all,
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: we fought every day. We broke up every day. I mean,
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: it was definitely all kind of coming to, you know,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: and then it was the pressure maybe being relieved that
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: this album had come out. And I don't think I
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: stopped working from June 30th, 2010 until May 10th, 2011.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Like that was like my first day off. Yeah. And
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I was like, of course I'm going to drink. I'm exhausted.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I had no defense. I had no defense between me.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Take a load off.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: Was he in the program as well?
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: No.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: No.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: So just, uh, he was probably an alcoholic. I can't say, but.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Will you date, I guess you're just newly coming out of,
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: of your marriage, but in the future, I know you're
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: swearing off men right now. Totally get it with you, girl. Um,
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: is it a non-negotiable with the drinking? Like, do you
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: make sure you date men in the program?
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Well, you know, I think about it a lot because
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: between 2012 and, uh, 2018, no, 2017 is when I
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: got married. So I dated a lot of people actually
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: in between then. Um, and, um, Some of them were
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: sober and some of them weren't. And some were in
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: active addiction and some were total normies. So I feel
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: like I've experienced a lot of variety. And I've been
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: married to someone for nine years that is not in
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: the program, but is in our family. sister program for me,
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: which also I think now wasn't for me at all
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: to begin with, but got him in, you know? And, uh,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: and so, and he drinks, uh, and has our whole
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: marriage and, and, and it didn't bother me in the
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: sense of being near alcohol. Okay. My biggest thing now
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: is I want to connect. If I'm ever going to
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: do that again, I need to connect with someone so
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: deeply that that if they're drunk or high, I probably
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: won't because I'm not. Do you know what I mean?
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: I totally am.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: So I think it's circumstantial. I don't want to say
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: that it's a non-negotiable because I don't want to cut
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: myself off from the endless possibilities of whoever I may
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: meet in the future. But I'm going to know if
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: the connection is is deeper than I've ever let myself
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: connect to a person. Like I know my bar is
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: like going to be so high. So I don't think
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: it's going to be, they have to be sober, even
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: though it's so nice when they are and they have
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: this language and they, and we have like this thing
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: in common where we're always like raw dogging life, you know,
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: kind of like that. So I think that will like,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: would be attractive to me, but if they're normies and
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't mind being around it. So I'm sober.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: So you don't feel like it would affect your sobriety
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: at all. No, because A, I promised myself I'd never
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: drink over a dude. Love it.
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: But B, I.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: Worked really hard in my sobriety to never be uncomfortable
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: around it. Like, I think that's a huge thing because
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I've toured with a lot of musicians who, you know,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: you're not allowed alcohol on the premises because they're sober.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: And that is fine. I respect that. That's like knowing
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: your boundaries and your self-preservation. But I was like, when
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: I was coming up in the music business, like I
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: didn't feel comfortable asking that of everyone that works for me.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Like, so I just was like,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: I better figure it out. Now I did always have
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: a sober bus. So I would tell my band and crew, like,
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: you guys can drink and do drugs and eat sugar.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I had a sugar-free bus, too. Everyone hated me. But
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: everyone loved not gaining five pounds after every tour. And
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: they would, like, trade candy bars in the bunks. I
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: would hear them. I was, like, prisoned. I was, like, yes.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: I was a sugar police. We had the best time ever.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: So I would, like, I made a safe place for me.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: So the bus was, like, my sanctuary. Like, you can
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: do anything you want out there. But when you come
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: on the bus, like, there's nothing here. And everyone respected that.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: And so... I feel like I kind of walk around
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: my life like that too. If I'm at a party
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: that I have to be at, that I don't even
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: want to be at, but like I go and I
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: do what I need to do. And then I leave
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: when like, you know, my sponsor always kind of instilled
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: that in me. Cause I was like, everything I do
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: is social. Like every, my career is social. Everyone's drinking,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: everyone's partying, everyone's. So I had to learn, like go in,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: do the schmoozing, do the thing you're there for and go.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: Or if I'm not uncomfortable, stay and have a great time.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: But I, I don't, let myself get in situations that
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: like make me feel super uncomfortable. I've like fully, like
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: I know my limit.
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: And you're going to know too. I feel like that's
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: the gift of sobriety is that we have like this
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: deep intuition, not only like as women, as mothers, and
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: then now like you're completely free of drugs and alcohol.
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: You have this knowing. So like when you meet your
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: guy again, It's not like, I say that all the time. Like, okay,
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: do I want someone that's sober or not sober? And
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: there's like, I'm like weighing out the pros and cons.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, wait a second. Here I am trying
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: to control the situation again. I'm not going to control it.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: You know what freaks me out the most?
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: And maybe this is an ignorant thing to say, but
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm in a safe space. It worries
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: me to be involved with someone who's in the program.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Because I don't want to have.
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: To worry about their sobriety because I know where I'm
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: at in mine, and I know that I'm strong.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: You could take me to a nightclub, and I will
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: hang with the best of them until 5 a.m., not
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: even thinking about.
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: Taking a drink. I— Don't want to worry about yours.
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: I have two little girls that I have to look after.
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: I got to make sure we're on solid ground. I
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: also can't have a fucking drug addict. And that's super fair.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: I'm not there yet because I'm not even dating. But
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: that will definitely be on my mind too. Especially because
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: we all know alcoholics because we are them. And it's like, yeah,
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I want that variable hanging always.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: in a partner.
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Like I already have to deal with mine. Exactly. It's
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: not alcohol.
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: And then tomorrow I could meet my guy and he
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: could say, I'm in the program and I could say,
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: I'm in love with you and you've got your shit together.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: Let's go. Right. I guess it really depends. Like, again,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: it's the bar. It's like, where are you at in
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: your sobriety? Obviously I'm not going to date a newcomer.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: Like for me, you know, that's just, that's that, that
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: wouldn't work for me. But I, um, I also think like,
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: what's funny is I dated a lot of guys in
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: the program before, um, before I got married and, And
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: every time I'd break up with one, I would, like,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: not be able to go to those meetings anymore. And, like,
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: that pushed me out to the valley. At one point,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I just stopped doing the east side. I just stopped
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: doing the leho. Oh, no. So it is funny that, like,
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: I know me. And, like, I shouldn't mess with anyone
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: at my favorite meetings. You know what I mean?
• 28:39
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: You got to protect your sobriety.
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: You guys, this is.
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: Chat is like the most incredible chat I think we've
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: ever had on an unlikely affair. So this is part
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: one and make sure you catch part two with Christina Perry.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: It's coming right up.