Latest / The Midlife Pivot / Finding the Light in a Hard Week | 014
Transcript
- Amanda Segal: Welcome back to the midlife pivot. We are just solo today. Just the two of us. Yeah. Nobody need to interview except me. I'm gonna, yes. It's it's been it's been a week. I I first want to say I think that last week's episode with Dr. Beckerman was amazing. Amazing. Yeah. I've had amazing response from it. People have really resonated with what she had just said. You know, we know we talk about menopause all the time. We know what we're going. But I think that she just put different aspects of it into perspective. I think the part that I love the most with how she spoke about that study about there being that 23% of women that think that it's them and don't realize that it's this, you know, what they're going through in women that are in business. So I liked I like that she spoke about that. I like that she kind of gave purpose to what so many of us are feeling. But this week's episode isn't about menopause. It's about pivoting in midlife, Mom. And boy, we have had quite a week. gonna turn it humorous. You and I you and I this week, I think we did our research and we decided that we don't have to be quite so formal and we need to make we need to make our listeners laugh. And you know, my darling, it's nice sometimes just to talk about fun things. We're not making fun of anybody, but fun things that have made what was happening Light brought the light out of the darkness. And I think this past week definitely did bring some darkness. as we had to deal with Dad going into the hospital. So yeah, tell us tell me, tell me kind of what your what how your week went and what what happened. Well, apart from being exhausting and really and truly I felt washed out, but I had lots of laughing times. Your father is a most remarkable man. He is interested in people. And even at 91, he just loves people around him and is very serious about who he has, looking after him, advising him. So we'll start with us having to go into the hospital. He was going in to have some stones removed. Yes. We were all doom and gloom. He was getting an anesthetic, and everybody said, my goodness, at 91. Your sister didn't even want to go away. She had planned on this trip, right? Didn't want to go away, said, my goodness. We were all looking at the dark side of everything. So we went in, and he has the most remarkable doctor. Really remarkable. I must just tell you something about her quickly, which I'm so upset about. I went in today just to thank her and to say hi. She fell and broke. Both her ankles. No. Yeah. Dr. Johnny. Dr. Johnny. my goodness. And I thought of myself, you didn't tell me that. It could have been last week and then it would have been a bit of a disaster. Disaster. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, she's gonna be out. And you know it's funny because I was definitely sceptical. She's young and when I met her, I was like, my god, she's taking care of dad. I definitely was a little bit skeptical, but you know what? I've got urology friends, and they said to me, they put my mind at ease, and they said to me, You what, Amanda? Sometimes you're happy, it's better when it's the younger, it's the younger physician. Bedside manner. Bedside matter. But no, but apart from that, her degrees. yes. And she specializes in taking stones out of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway. So we went off to the hospital with doom and gloom. And by then he was calmer already. He wasn't too scared. He said to me, The biggest thing I'm scared of is going under anaesthetic. And you know, then you don't know. If you don't come out, you'll never know. You go in and you never know if you're going to be coming out today. And I said to him, Dad, if there's one way of going, that's the way to go. But he did. He said, I've got two choices. Yeah. I'm either going to go in and That everything will be good. No, everything will be good and I'll come out. I'm gonna go in and I'm just not gonna come back. But anyways, he he is really he makes jokes about it and he was fine. So we went in and he was admitted and they took him back. And before you could say Jack I had to wait in the waiting room. Yeah. And before you could say Jack Robinson, we were at suburban hospital. Yeah. And he started with the nurses. He loves asking questions. So his first nurse says to her, Tell me something, where do you come from? So she says to him, Well, actually, she says, I've been here many, many years, but I come from Durban. He says, You come from South Africa? Did you not recognize the accent though? No, no, she's American. okay. American. I think she was born here. But her parents, they came from Durban. Okay. Or maybe a little later. Yeah, maybe she was born. Yeah. So he says, I don't believe it. Are you South African? She says, Well, I'm American. But yes, I grew up in Durban in South Africa. And of course, all the questions he asked, and I said, It's enough. You don't have to ask so many questions. No, he says, I'm so excited that my top nurse She says, My top nurse is South African and she's gonna take care of me. She wasn't the OR nurse, but anyway, she was there to do to do what she needed to do. And then another lady came in and she was operating theater nurse. And he says, where do you come from? I thought, Well, you know, really. So she says, Well, I'm American. But I come from I can't even remember, somewhere in South America. So he says, fascinating. He says, I just knew it. I said, he says to her, You're such a lovely lady. And before you knew it, he was enamored with her. Then they all adored him. I mean, they all just like absolutely were like b- you know, be funny. He had that friendliness as if they've known him for years. And of course, They kept on saying to him, Are you sure you're ninety-one? No mistake there. Yeah, unbelievable. Shame. Then the anesthesiologist came in. And he was very s he's a sprightly young man. And he came in and he said, I'm your anesthesiologist. Of course, again. And where do you come from? So he says, from Libya. So he said, Fascinating. I've got South African and I've got South America. South America and I've got a Libyan. She he says it's fascinating. Multi multinational. Multi-international. And of course they became great friends, and he told him what he was going to do to him. And he said, I've got confidence in you. He says, I've got full confidence in you. And that was it. And of course, everything went well. Well, it didn't really go well. No, it didn't go well. the first stone that he had blasted, well they were able to there were two stones. They were able to get one out. The second one unfortunately had had lodged itself in the urethra and she couldn't get to it. So then they had to go in and I think that was the scary part is having him in on Tuesday. It was supposed to kind of be an in out sort of kind of thing. They were gonna keep him overnight Tuesday night, but then he was supposed to be home Wednesday, but then on Wednesday they had to put that stent in. That's right, 'cause they couldn't get to the stone. So he had another anesthetic that he had to go through all over again. But you know what? He was a trooper. He really wasn't. There were three days of anesthesia in a ninety-one year old. Three anesthesias, because when they couldn't when they could get the stone out of the urethra, it was difficult, they had to come from the top. Yeah. Coming from the top, they had to put a stent. On his in his back. Okay, well you're not listening to what I just saying, 'cause I think that's what I just said. Did you just say that? I swear. I wanted to say it in some Okay. It's been a week. I'm giving you I'm giving gonna give you your green light on that. I was just sorry. my god. But it was it was three days of anesthesia that he had to have 'cause he had the Tuesday surgery, had the stent put in on Wednesday, and then he had the third the third day of anesthesia. And from something that was supposed to be in out just one night. Turned into having to be admitted and he Mom, that's you know what? That's what made me realise this week. Look, we all have to pivot. this was a hard week for me too. because yeah, we pivot. I mean, I it was New York Marathon weekend, and I really wanted to be in New York. But you know what? My place was with him and I wouldn't change it for anything. And you were my I I was nurse Betty. I just needed the the little nursing hat. Great, and you held him in place and held him in check because after all this anesthesia, I must admit, he became a little bit blotto. Half the time he didn't know what he was saying, and he was saying, Where am I and what's happening? Thank God he's gone back to normal again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, I take my hat off to you because it's not easy being that caregiver. It's not easy being that person that has to be there. Look, I was there the whole weekend and I got to see what it was like. And it was it's tough. It is tough. It is tough. But after all, it's somebody you love. I know. You don't want to see them in pain. You want to see everything go right. Yeah. And he's the type of person he doesn't trust too many people. So whatever I did, he said, Are you sure you're doing it right? Are you sure this is what's happening? Are you sure? So it's a little bit exhausting. But anyway, it was all good. And he came home. And then he started telling me the stories. And he said to me, Can you believe it? I'm in an American hospital in America. Well, that's what makes America so phenomenal. Not one of the people who attended to me were Americans. I kept on thinking, Are you from America? Yes, we're all from America. But heritage wise, everybody came from somewhere... But what's so beautiful about America is we're a melting pot of nationalities. Absolutely. And it is remarkable. I mean I say that, you know, I forget sometimes. I have this accent. I've lived here for thirty-six years, you've been here for thirty-four, and you forget when people say, where are you from? And I go, Maryland, and they're like, look at me like I'm like, Okay, I I what do you mean, Maryland? You know, and I still have a very strong accent, even thirty-six years later. My My accent is strong, but you can stop somewhere and somebody says, Are you from South Africa? Yes. Why? I've been here for thirty-three years. Yes. But that's the beauty of where we live. And you know, that's what makes what what makes us who we are. I don't care what anybody says, that's what makes us, you know, who we are. But he was very taken by that. And I think that just being somebody who has lived for these ninety one years and has just seen so much change and seen so much happening. Pivoted so many times. All these pivots that then you guys have had, it's definitely something. But I know some of the stories and watching him interact with the nurses, there was one young nurse that just took a shine to him. And she was almost disappointed when she didn't come back on Friday that her shift was over. Olivia. And she didn't have to come back and take care of him. And it was just absolutely so sweet to see. but yeah, but you're doing okay. Yes, yes. I'm slowly but surely, you know, getting back on track. He's had his what you call it, his post-op, like the post op surgery and the catheter came out. Catheter. He's had the catheter removed. And he is so relieved. And of course, the the doctor, the doctor has a nurse at Urology Center. Ulogy center, who also adores me and adores him. And she insisted she wanted to be the one to take the catheter out. So when we went yesterday to take the catheter out, she kept on saying, Well, Mr. Baynard, sit over here and Mr. Bannard, do this. And he looked at her and he said, Please don't call me Mr. Baynard. My name is Oscar. And she's Irish. So she looked at him and she says, Okay, Oscar. He's very sweet. He's very sweet. He really he's got this very aloof manner, but he's full of jokes, you know, and you think of okay, is he making a joke or is he serious? Most of the time he's he don't tell you. All he wanted to make sure was that he got out of hospital so that he could come and finish up his his NFL draft so that he'd have his fantasy football ready for the weekend and that he was going to be able to watch the games on Sunday. That was all he was concerned about. And did his papers, were his papers put in place and was everything written out the way it needed to be written out? And who is he playing against? His grandchildren. He has all his grandchildren, the oldest is what, thirty-six or thirty-five thirty-four? Seven. Thirsty-seven. He's ninety-one. And his one grandson keeps on saying to him, Grandpa, you cannot keep on getting rid of players. You've got to stick who you've got. Otherwise you're going to lose. And he says, I know exactly what I'm doing. He says, if I don't like him, he's out. And I put the next one in. So but they laugh, they think it's very funny and they adore him and they've always included that him in the draft. So It is kind of sweet to see that, watching them interact with him, and just seeing how they I mean, they treat him like he's there, like one of them. Yes. You know. And I have to remind them sometimes that, you know, there's an age difference and you can't expect. Right. You know, can't have expectations. And when he does produce then they're delighted with him. So yes, so you've had you had your help and your little nurse bee was there this weekend and I did what I needed to do to make sure that you could at least have some reprieve. We even got the carer to come in on Sunday so that you and I could go out for a little bit of a a qu a a quick escape and a and a little bit of bright. But you what, mom, that's what's so important is that you also have to realize, and hopefully that people that are listening to this is that you do have to give yourself some grace. And I do think that sometimes you put so much pressure on yourself to make sure that he appreciates what you do for him. I know, darling, but that's not the point. The point is that if you've got somebody that you truly love, you can scream and shout at them. But at the end of the day, they've got to you've got to be there for them. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. And that's why I say to you, as hard as it sometimes is, sometimes, is what's the alternative? Exactly. The alternative is for you to turn around and say, He's not there anymore. So you know what? But not even for that. And as I say to him, I say, Dad, every day you wake up, you have to say, Thank you, God, for giving me another day. And he does. And and that's just And he does. Every single day he opens his eyes, he says the Hebrew prayer. Not quite sure. Moderne. But yes. Just thank you, you know, thanking God. And and yeah. And it's amazing, it's amazing. And we never thought he would get to ninety. And now he's, into his nine. No, but back then, yeah, we he never thought he would get to ninety. Now it's family. His family all ninety. Well, Auntie Eda's day, Auntie Eda was was alive. But in any case, he's amazing, and these are just blips. And we all rally, you know, and that's the bottom line is we all rally. His main ambition in all this is to get back to driving his car. Well, he's not driving his car. He won't sell it. It's standing there. And it drives me insane, Mom. It drives me insane that he sits there with that damn car. And as we drive past, we've got to drive past it when we leave the garage. As we get into the opening of the garage, he says to looks at the car, he says, You know, somebody's got to move it around. Maybe I can just take it round the block. You know what I mean? It probably does need to get started, otherwise the battery's not gonna work. So we probably do have to get it started. But no, it's not worth it. It's not worth him. God forbid that I mean people couldn't believe that he was still driving. And let me tell you something. Forget about all that. He is so compass mentors that he knows exactly where everything is. The other day I was going somewhere and all of a sudden I went black. And I thought, wait a minute, which road should I take? I didn't have my GPS on. I normally put it on, I didn't have it on. So I called him. And he says, Where are you? and I said where I was going. So he says, All you have to do is just drive until you get to Montrose Road. You see the 270, you get onto the 270, and you'll be home. So I thought, God, that's right. I know there's a road I'm supposed to go down. That's where you know it. You've been so mishidd everything. And so So he says to me, he says, he told me, yeah, I've got dementia. No, he doesn't have dementia. What about you? I know, I know, no. Look, you guys are doing incredible. And I think this, what we what we wanted to do with this episode, I think, was just really make it real. And we're living our lives. Yes, we're having these wonderful w people that are coming on the show, telling us all these things we can do in our second chapter. But this is part of the second chapter, certainly for me as a daughter. Yes. I actually met with with a friend for coffee and we were chatting about it and we were saying, this is our role. And and we talk about that panini, that panini generation and watching our kids and making sure that our kids are okay and watching our parents and being able to deal you know who I met with was we had her on the show, Suzanne. I met with Suzanne, she's so lovely. And she was telling me about we're gonna I'm gonna advertise it for her, but we she we were talking about a program that she's putting out just basically how to deal with our aging parents. She's the lady who was the long-term care. Yes. Okay. Yes. The one that but yes. So but she was telling she's about to have a program with people just to be able to come and have some kind of like support. It's kind of almost like a healing circle. Yes. we grieve when our parents are no longer there, but we also grieve with having to deal with what we have to do to make sure that we make the rest of your so your life. What is she trying what is she trying to say? But it's basically an opportunity for people to just just understand what how you can prepare yourself to make sure you know all the stuff. For your parents. I've done a lot of that already. I know the passwords. I know your bank accounts. I've taken control over all of that. I have some understanding. But there are lot of people out there that they don't know anything about their parents and then their parents pass away. Yeah. And they don't have access to any of that information. Isn't that done by a lawyer, perhaps? Or not necessarily. They're coaches. And I'm actually looking at having somebody on the show that'll be able to guide us as far as that goes. As guiding us with what's important to to have that information that you know we are prepared for. Well, when you think about it, it was also very important. I'll make you sure that you parents have got the MOS. Yes. Parents have got the life-term, whatever. The long term the long term care. Making sure that there is a a power of attorney. Making sure that you've got a cemetery and you've Yeah, those are hard discussions to have, They're very hard discussions. But I think being prepared for we're going we're going a little bit morbid into all of this, but I think being prepared for those type of things is important. At the last minute, you're in a tizzy. I mean look at this now, I mean thank God he's fine and everything's fine. But we never thought about What was we did a little bit. You did do a little bit. He didn't have a living will. Right. So all these things are scary to he wouldn't talk about it. Do you know that when when it came to thinking about doing another will, he didn't want to talk about it? No. I said, Your will is so old. And then your sister took over and she saw an attorney. And he looked at it, he said, You know what? The will is he knows it's very what's the word? Very easy. Rudimentary, yeah. Rudimentary. But it's like in South African language type of thing. Right. You know the Lingra is not right like we use here, attorneys use here. So he needs to make the will again. Same things, but so that it's Americanized. Yeah. So that's a lot of people. Look, there's a lot of these things and I know that they're hard discussions to have and again, we've got long time to wait for you, we've got fifteen more years, so we're fine. Stop it. We said fifteen years. I just told somebody. Well, when the bus runs me over, I'll say, please. Don't do I've got another fifteen years to go. but yes, well look, I'm glad we were able to put a little bit of humour into something that was a little overwhelming for us over these, this past week. But we have put some humor into it. He's hysterical and we're hysterical as in funny. He's just so he's so funny and we're so lucky. So, you know, normally we say, you know, my wife's been fantastic, you know, she's looked after me and so on and so forth. He says he says to this person, You know, my wife has been very busy. You know, she paints, she does Spanish classes. She helps the children. But you gave up all of that while he was b while he were No, but he's talking just Jessica because this person really didn't know my background or anything. And he says, She's rust wonderful, you know, she speaks Spanish now. And she paints beautifully. So he was he didn't turn around and say, you know what? Lisette has really been phenomenal looking after me. No. My painting and my and he says, and she makes the most unbelievable chicken soup. She made chicken soup today. die for. Well, you do make the most unbelievable chicken soup. And thank God you've taught me how to make it. And now I make the most unbelievable chicken soup. but yes, no, I thank God we got to the other side of this, and I guess we're just showing everybody out there that it's all real. That it's real and and we can laugh about it. We can we can take. A situation that's strength and right and stressful and we and overwhelming. We can take the happiness into it and the fun things and we can laugh about we've had times where we sat with him and laughed ourselves sick. And you know what, Mom? Next year there'll be another New York City marathon, and I'll be able to go and cheer an egg. Not to make you feel good. Yeah, but you know what? You were crazy because you couldn't you sat in the car watching them go and they're on mile four and mile five and so and so's running and she's on mile four. I said, how many people are you following? She says 37. I was exhausted by the time you and then when somebody went across the living the Mariana and I'm in You said started screaming Marianna, that's good, that's fantastic. And I thought to myself, she can't hear you. She's trying to laugh. I I sent her a that video of me in the card showing her. I sent it to her. and then I watched it back. I watched it back today, and we were messaging each other. And I said, I said, for God's sake, please delete that video of me. I said I'm like a lunatic in that finish because are you crazy? That's my blackmail. I'm telling you, going online. but I will give a shout out to my friend Beverly, who ran the daughter. But the first Beverly and Bianca ran for the very first time. And they crossed that finish line. Let me tell you, in under six hours, for a first-time marathon, which is bloody impressive. Beverly, and I have to say huge, huge shout out to them. She's a great, great. motivated. No, it was amazing. it's not an easy feat to do. I I've watched this was I've watched it four years. This would have been my fifth year cheering and no, I will never run a marathon. Done. It's not even in my wheelhouse. I asked you, I said, Well, when are you gonna do it? She says, No, I'm not allowed to run. No, it's not a question of being allowed. I mean, wouldn't because it my body just can't handle it. But you know what? There are some people that This is what they're meant to do and there are other people that are meant to cheer. And let me tell you, you're the cheer. I know. Maybe not just as hard. I know. But it is very hard to cheer. But it's an amazing feeling. I mean, maybe one day you'll come with me. The feeling in New York City, it's just a lot of people say it's a love letter. New York City's love letter to the people. that, and people ran there were 61,000, Over 61,000 people that ran that race. And it it was amazing. And you know what I loved about seeing, and I've watched, I mean you saw me on Instagram. I mean, it was like Reel after Reel and and Story after Story. But I think what's so lovely is on the day of marathon, nobody cares who you are, what your political views are, what your religion is. Everybody is there for one another. Everybody is there to make sure that you get across that finish line and it is all that's what it's all about. And and that's what's so beautiful about it. Yeah. Well, I hope we entertained our midlife pivot. Well, I think we depressed everyone. Did we depress you a little bit or we probably did in the beginning? No. But what we wanted to bring to you today was really just to say, this is just life. This is how we deal with life. I am so lucky that I have this amazing person that I get to do life with. and that we can come and share this kind of story with everybody. Of course we enjoy it. And I'm so glad that it's a success because I pushed you into it. I was a bit nervous, but I've never showed it. But we've had nice success. People have fun people. We have so many fun people coming up. Yeah. and you know, each week we'll just kind of continue to and I like how we're peppering these in, where it's like you and I chatting a little bit, then we've got people that have pivoted, and then we have people that are resources for people that are pivoting and kind of in the second chapter. So I think between it all got It's a nice salad. Exactly. It's a great, it's a great mixed salad. And with that, folks, I think we will wrap it up. So thank you. I hope you stay till the end and got to hear all the the the accolades of of my father and his week of surgery and me feeling the FOMO of not being at the New York City Marathon. But it's just another week in the life of the midlife pivot. So as always, make sure that you follow us. Follow us on all the platforms, whether you listen to us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, whether you watch us on YouTube or Spotify, comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you like, tell us what you don't like, don't tell us what you don't like. give us those five-star ratings and come back next week because we have another fantastic episode coming up for you next week. So from us here, we will see you next time.