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Transcript

When The Power Goes Out · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody, this is Mark, and this is Fierce Encouragement.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really glad you're here.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: A quick check-in before we start.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here or if you've been listening for a little while, this is just a reminder.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I created this podcast because I really struggle with sour and difficult self-talk and self-image, even having imposter syndrome oftentimes, even when creating this.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I just wanted to create something to share tools and stories and ways that you can encourage yourself and know that you're not alone when you have that sour self-talk.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I really appreciate you being here and sharing your time with me.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Another quick check-in kind of before we start, it's it's been quite the week here in my hometown.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: The severe storms have been rolling through the last two or three days, and our power went out at the house.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And well, of course, when we get online, and it's just amazing how that throws you off balance.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And there's thousands of people in my city that were without electricity and all the down branches and whatnot.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, it was it was us too.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was 24 hours with no lights and no charge in our phones, and with the hot weather, there was no AC.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing really.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was interesting how that kind of stripped everything away.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be really open and vulnerable and honest with you.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: There was something that kind of felt undone and anxious in me when the electricity and lights went out.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so this episode is kind of about that.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also about kind of those storms outside the house, and then the ones we can carry inside.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's about something we've been holding on to really tight.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe even the tools that we try to practice, or those habits that we're trying to fix or get perfect, or even the ways we try to relax.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And really, it's also about what happens when those comfortable things kind of get taken away.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't want to polish this up.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted to tell the truth today.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just get right into it.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I've been thinking about this quite often this week through my coaching sessions, through my learning, and obviously creating and writing.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So have you ever encountered this in your own journey?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: You've had a really good stretch, maybe a couple good days or a good month, or even a good year, good momentum, right?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh excellent work, really good connection.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then something happens, and you just kind of uh collapse back to those averages or the status quo for yourself.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like there's some invisible floor that we always return to, some emotional gauge or set point that pulls us back to that average, no matter how high we kind of were before that.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's been me this week.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've had a great three or four weeks at work, um, really, honestly, some of the best client sessions, a couple new customers, but it's been a great month.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's felt like I've been moving forward and getting some momentum in the business, but also in my personal life.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But then the power goes out and it goes out for a long time, and suddenly I'm worried and pacing uh around in the living room, right?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And waking up in the middle of the night and, you know, open and honest here, just angry, frustrated at everything.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm almost shaking my fist at the sky, and it almost felt like I was just constantly off balance and I didn't have that ground kind of beneath my feet.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And here's some more honesty the the power and the electricity going down and the power lines going down wasn't the real problem.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think the real problem was that I've been using to manage um my anger and that low simmer of anxiety, that restlessness, that fear, that doubt.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it wasn't there either necessarily.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess this is where I just need to get really honest with myself and share it with you.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate you giving me this space.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've been a cannabis user for a long time.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not out of control, not losing jobs or wrecking relationships, uh, or you know, ignoring my responsibilities.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I guess this I was a really functional marijuana user.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I really held on to that word functional.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like it uh it almost like it meant that I didn't have a problem.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what functionality in that sense actually looked like for me.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So most days, somewhere in the back of my mind, I was planning around it.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: When would I have a chance?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: When would I uh the days slow down?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: How much do I have left?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, is is there uh enough left for the week?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it kind of became a maintenance program for myself.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something I told myself uh about it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it help helps me get creative, it helps me relax after a strenuous workout.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it helps me in that flow, right?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It helps me let my mind float along.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that for a long time, and I think it was true in some cases early on.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I met a new friend, Bill.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: He is a great trainer, he has a great YouTube channel, and we've been meeting online, he's from Hawaii, but he asked me something pretty direct and that kind of made me pause and think a little longer on it.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: He asked me, uh he said, Were you embarrassed by this?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this came from Bill, he he's a longtime cannabis user, and I guess I say this because looking at Bill, you would never guess it.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to think about it, and I was I was honored to share it with him because I know we we kind of struggle in the same arena, but you wouldn't know it maybe by looking at us.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, was I was I ashamed, was I embarrassed by it?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I was, I am, and I've been hiding it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've been using it to escape uh or distract myself or relax, quote unquote, in a sense.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And um what I called relaxing and creative, uh as I examine it more in my recovery, it was really just checking out.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was kind of like letting my mind leave the building.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, the more I depended on it and used it, the less it helped me, the less it did for me this past decade or more.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the more I I tried to pull back from it and reduce my usage and having long periods of not using, the more I kind of gave myself excuses that I did have control over it, and I do like the feeling it gave me.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, it's not creativity.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think for me and my experience, it isn't freedom.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a trap and it's a trickster, and really it's a thief.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm about a week out from putting the cannabis down, and my body, and especially my mind and my subconscious, are really loud right now, and they're much louder than they've been in well, since the last time I've taken a long break.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I wanted to compare this to something because it's it's you know, we have that inner weather and out outside weather, but there's a guy, uh a homeless guy I see on the east side of my hometown near near the gym where I coach uh early in the morning and in the afternoon as well.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: But he walks up and down the street and goes to the shelter.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I can hear him coming uh before you see him.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: The rubber soles uh he has on his crutches are completely worn through.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it's this metal clicking and scraping on the pavement.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, he uses crutches and he comes by almost every day or every other day when I'm working.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: But here's something that's kind of like in my mind.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen him uh when I'm walking around or biking around, I've seen him walk without those crutches, and he doesn't need them, and he uses them anyways, and he wear he uses them so much that he wears the rubber soles on the crutches down to nothing.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess I keep coming back to that image right now and thinking of myself.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So why do we hold on to these things that maybe once helped us relax or move or do whatever?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: But we hold on to them long after they stopped working.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the cannabis, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's that anger, that burst of anger, maybe it's that scrolling or shopping or overeating or sugar or TV.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping ourselves just busy enough, right, to avoid sitting still with ourselves and practice being with ourselves.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's weakness.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I really don't think it's about like powering through with our our our mind either, pushing through that using willpower, right?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Over overcoming those quote unquote bad habits.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think it at least for me, it's more about fear.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of what it would feel like without the crutch.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And fear to feel and to be a hundred percent present and consistent with that person that's underneath, with that mind and that energy that's underneath, that raw, unmedicated, unescaped version of yourself.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it might be sad, it might be angry, it might be restless, it might be too much, or it might be not enough.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: So we or me, we keep putting those crutches under our arms and keep clicking along down the sidewalk.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And in the process, we wear our soul or our rubber souls down to nothing.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So this morning my mind has been active and busy and catching up on dreams.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I couldn't sleep after a couple fitful, wild, heavy dreams.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: The the ones that kind of leave that emotional residue.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: In one of the dreams, I was driving really fast on a dark inner state with no lights, and I felt this fear.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then I saw these cars everywhere, and like there was something apocalyptic about it, but I was these cars were buried in mud.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was driving over the top of the top of them.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, when I woke up after that dream, I I felt like that anxiousness or that like what the heck was that uh sitting on my chest.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I imagine you know what I mean.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that feeling stays with you even after you open your eyes and kind of carries through your whole day.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, I got up really early and went for a long walk, a very long one.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I left the phone, the podcast, the music at home.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I I knew some movement would help me.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I thought that maybe the darkness and the quiet and just putting one foot in front of the other, that would help uh settle something in me down.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: But really, uh it helped a little bit, but it didn't completely settle me.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: What it actually was, it was like an hour of me watching my mind attack me on this walk.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So without that crutch, without that escape hatch, there is this loud, uh, restless, inner, angry, frustrated voice.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it's the one that's like, hey, you should be further along, um, you should figure this out by now, you shouldn't be in debt.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Good God, you're you're getting deep into your 50s, and this is still here with you.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it was.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was it was a deep sadness, it was a real sadness.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I I guess I want to share something about that because I think some of you might know exactly what I'm talking about, this emotion.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: But my walk, my early morning walk, wasn't a failure.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was my work.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was uncomfortable as hell, and it was really unglamorous, and nobody really sees that kind of work of just surviving the weather inside your own head.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not swimming hard, not making progress, not being uh fierce with your encouragement, but maybe just keeping your face and your nose above the surface, treading water, right?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And some days, I think for all of us, that can be the whole job.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to honor that.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: That is enough.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, some new friends that I have, I mentioned Bill at the top, and you know, has a workout YouTube channel.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'll share a link in the show notes if you're interested in connecting with Bill.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: But Bill has been really open and vulnerable with me, and you wouldn't notice that you wouldn't think that he would have any problems, but just an amazing guy.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And he's been working on his sobriety from cannabis for a couple months, and he had decades of usage before that.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, when we connected on a call and we talked, talked it all out, uh, you know, that shame I was talking about before, the embarrassment, uh, the planning to quit, the planning uh, you know, to reduce your usage, even our kind of like own internal maintenance programs, um, our months of sobriety, but then returning to it.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: It really feels impossible in a sense to imagine stopping.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: But Bill was so kind.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't give me a lecture or speech or any advice, and he didn't want to hand me anything.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, he just said this to me the other day.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, just put it down for today.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to think about a year of sobriety or a decade of sobriety.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even have to think about getting through the end of the week, but just for today.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it, really.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's the whole thing that's helped me.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's helped me in the past to remember that, just get through one day at a time.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And don't think about forever.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't watch those videos where people talk about, oh, I've been sober for a thousand days, and here's the awesomeness.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to make those grand declarations and publicize them.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to build up uh a brand new identity and make it all shiny, but just get through today.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's something in that for all of us, especially people that aren't in recovery, right?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: We all have a version of that crutch that we might have in our life.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think we all have something we reach for when the storms knock out your own power and we don't know what to do with our hands, or we don't know what to do with our time.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the question my new friend Bill was really asking me is hey, can you just be with yourself today without trying to get off on the next exit ramp, without the escape?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Can you just stay?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I've learned from years of meditation practice from my Dharma teacher, from those hard moments and seasons, and it's this when we ask for patience, life or God or the spirit, it doesn't hand us that patience.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, it hands us something that frustrates us to see if we can develop and find and work towards that patience ourselves.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So when we ask for calm, the storms can come harder and faster.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I well it felt like cruelty to me, it felt it raised up my anxiety, but it isn't cruel.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's our chance to train, and the resistance is the weight, and that difficulty that we have is the rep we need to take.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And right now, this all of this is my rep.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's me showing up.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where I'm landing today.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not triumphantly, not throwing sticking my flag in the ground, I'm not putting a bow on it, I'm not shooting off fireworks, I don't want to blow uh this in front of you with a trumpet.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm just a few days in, and my mind is loud, my dreams are strange, like I said, and waking up in the middle of the night is hard.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I know that like somewhere beneath it all for me is still that version of me that's been buried, that has had long stretches of feeling-centered and proud and connected, but I've also been kind of slowly burying myself with uh a small garden shovel by that trickster, by that uh that thief.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's me burying myself.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I've used years of good excuses and those quote-unquote functional lies.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm looking for him.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm digging him out now.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to say if you're in in the middle of something like this, whether it's, you know, uh getting to the weight room and getting that exercise going, or whether it's, you know, connecting more deeply at work and feeling like on purpose at work versus like just surviving, or or maybe it's the relationships.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a crutch somewhere that you've been using for so long that you forgot what it's like to walk without it, or what it's like to live without it, if you've had your own like uh 60-day stretch or year stretch that ended with one small thing that led to another, like me.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've had a really good week or a good month that kind of came crashing back down and you know, landing with a thud, and you can't quite understand or explain why.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to know something.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Treading water is still swimming.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: That void you feel when you put the thing down, that uh emptiness, the boredom, maybe that itchy restlessness.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's a sign that something's wrong with me or with you.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's space.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something or that's a place where we can let that real authentic deeper part of ourselves grow and blossom and bloom if we give it time.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: So keep looking for your crew, keep reaching out and asking for help when you can with people that you trust, with mentors, and just find the people who might have been in it longer and made it through.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get discouraged.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let the that toxic comparison kind of push you back.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've been on my sober journey for a couple years now, and I'll tell you, getting to my support system, having my tribe around me that helps me, that I can reach out to, getting to my sponsor.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, let them help you hold on to some of this and encourage you.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, whatever it is, if you beat yourself up or if you have trouble with substances, or you're just really good at fiercely discouraging yourself, give yourself that grace.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not tomorrow, not even two hours from now, today, right now, know that you're worth it.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: And really, from my heart to yours, thank you for being here and listening this far.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being on this one with me.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: There really isn't any tools.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: There really isn't anything I have to say other than you're worth it.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not sure if you can tell or not, but this is not an easy episode for me to make.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've failed again and again and again trying to let this go.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm in a place now where I want to be honest with myself, with you, my listeners, and just encourage you.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: If something landed, if you heard yourself somewhere in here, I don't believe that's a complete accident.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think you found this for a reason because some part of you is itching and wants to find that authentic part of yourself.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a hard, difficult stretch right now, if you got your own version of those crutches and you're clicking down the road, if you've been swimming and treading water and you're just tired and feel alone and you want somebody to talk to, please reach out.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to connect with you and just listen.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: No pitching, no programs, just a real honest conversation for you.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Two people, no performance.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a link in the show notes.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Please apply, grab some time if that's calling out to you, or just send me a message directly.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm serious, I mean it.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be alone in any of this.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, stay fierce.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't be fierce, just keep treading water and find your tribe and encourage yourself in some small way today, even when it doesn't feel fierce or powerful.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Especially then.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thank you for listening.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: No matter where you're at, have a good day, a good evening, and we'll catch you next time on the podcast.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, appreciate you.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.