Latest / The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast / Searching for What’s Missing: ☀️ EnneaSummer Track Three

Transcript

Searching for What’s Missing: ☀️ EnneaSummer Track Three · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Enea Summer Mystery Series, a special storytelling journey from Simply Wholehearted.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Over these nine special episodes, I'm inviting you to step into someone else's shoes, to feel their hopes, fears, and longings before you even know their Enneagram type.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: It is a fun guessing game, but also the invitation is this: to hear your own story differently.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: To experience how grace, truth, and transformation meets you right where you find yourself.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you love Jesus in the Enneagram, well, you have found the right place, and I know you'll feel right at home.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Amy Wicks, your wholehearted coach and guide by the side.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine standing in a room full of people, laughter echoing, glasses clinking, and conversations flowing, and yet still feeling completely unseen.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to disappear, but you can't seem to find your place either.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's this ache though, an ache for something deeper, richer, more meaningful.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: A longing to feel fully known without being too much.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Today you're stepping into the heart of someone who feels things deeply, sees beauty others miss, and wrestles with a sense that something essential is always just out of reach.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Can you guess who it might be?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's take a walk in their world.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's the kind of evening that feels almost too beautiful.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Golden sunlight dancing off the clouds, soft music drifting from the string quartet, rose petals sprinkled on the grass, and laughter swirling like champagne bubbles.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm standing near the gift table.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't because it was my job, but someone forgot to organize it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the bride asked me if I could help.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was sort of last minute, but of course I said yes, and nodded and smiled.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: As the ceremony starts, I decide to slip in quietly into the back row.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I admire my friends standing up there with my friend.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: They all look beautiful.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're the bridesmaids and they're beaming, holding the beautiful bouquets.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Their names are in the program.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, they're in the photos, and they'll be sharing toasts later.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so happy for them, and I'm really proud of her.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I also feel an ache that I can't quiet.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I'm watching life happen from the outside in.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't chosen, and it's sort of silly, maybe, perhaps even petty, but I can't help but wonder, why am I not up there?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't she ask me?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why wasn't I chosen to be part of the special group?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like I'm always close, but not quite the center.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't ever seem to be the best friend, and I'm not the first one to be called.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I am always supportive, but it's almost like I'm just on the peripheral, and perhaps even replaceable.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: As the reception begins and the dancing ensues, I watch my husband laughing with a group of guests.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Someone claps him on the back and says, Big year, eh?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: You must be proud.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I am.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: My husband deserves it.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's worked really hard.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But as I acknowledge that truth, I also feel something twist in my chest.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's sharp, quiet envy.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I consider, what about me?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: What do I have to show for this season?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I ponder these thoughts, and it ruminates in my mind.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I decide to withdraw from the main party.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I go and find the edge of the garden wall and sit there.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I face away from the twinkling lights and music.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: The sun has dipped lower into the sky, and it has become a beautiful shade of lavender.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: I take it all in, acknowledging the beauty, and I allow my rumination to turn into a prayer.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus, do you see me?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, there's no thunder in reply, no audible voice, but I do notice the wind brushing through the trees.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I hear the faint clink of silverware in the champagne glasses behind me.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I press my hands into my lap, grounding myself.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I feel the ache.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I also begin to wonder, what if I stop trying to prove I matter?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: What if I stop trying to find my place of belonging?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: What if I started trusting that I already do?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly what comes to mind is a verse I underlined months ago, something about being God's masterpiece, not because of my role, not because of any sort of recognition or sudden belonging to the group of friends that I desire, but simply because he made me, and I did before he even formed me.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And for the first time, perhaps in a long time or ever, I begin to believe that is true.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I take a moment to breathe in the lavender dusk, and I feel the rough stone beneath me.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: The tears do fall, but not from the drama or from feeling left out, but just from this honesty, this recognition of how I feel and how God feels about me.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: As I allow myself to ponder the possibilities, it feels like a little bit of a start, a mini reboot.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I take in one more breath and wipe my eyes, and I decide to turn the other way on the wall.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I look towards the tent, setting my intention to walk back into the group, to join the fun and take part of the celebration.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I feel totally okay or all is well, but because I want to offer myself and to be fully present, to not let myself get lost in the ache and the swirl, but rather walk anchored in the truth.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: That I don't have to be the most valuable to be valuable, that I don't have to be the most visible to be valuable and belong.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I am already loved, I'm already known, and I'm already chosen.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can show up fully me, fully loved, fully accepted, just as I am.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, did that feel very familiar?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you thought of someone you love, someone who carries that same desire to belong and to feel special?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, before I reveal the Enneagram type, take a second.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's your guess?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Who tends to wrestle between wanting to fit in yet still craving something unique or meaningful, special and different?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Does a type 9 come to mind, a type four, or a type 2?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you guessed a type four, you were correct.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, fours are often described as deep feelers and soulful seekers, but more than anything, they just want to be known, not for what they do, not for how they look, but for who they are, all of it, even all the flaws.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fours have an incredible ability to notice beauty, to sit in sorrow, and to name what others avoid.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I can testify to this at a deep level.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes that deep sensitivity comes with a quiet ache, a sense that something is missing, that they might be missing something.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Fours often carry a story of feeling different, like they were just on the outside of the circle, emotionally tuned in, but still unsure if they belonged.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: At their core, a four longs to hear, you are seen, you are enough, you matter, just as you are.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: But envy can quickly creep in, not as jealousy, but as that whisper, everyone seems to have something I don't.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And still, in their healthiest moments, fours can be deeply grounded, rooted in truth, anchored in love, and they can show up offering their unique presence, not to earn belonging, but because they finally realize they already belong.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: The truth that feeling deeply isn't a weakness, it is a gift.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: The beauty can rise even from brokenness, and that longing doesn't mean something's wrong.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: It means we're awake to what matters most.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So there's this house I walk past often in my neighborhood.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It has this stunning stained glass window.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I've never been privileged to see it from the inside.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: So on gray overcast days, from the outside, it just looks like fragmented pieces that don't quite fit together correctly.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: But every once in a while, when the light hits just right, it absolutely glows.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to think of the four like that.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's made of various unique pieces, fragments of memory, ache, imagination, and hope.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when the light of truth shines through, it will take your breath away.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's their gift to the rest of us, to help us see that our most honest stories, even the hard ones or the moments of suffering, because we're heartbreakingly human, they can become our most beautiful offerings.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to introduce you to someone who's walked this road personally.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's a wholehearted woman who knows what it's like to live within that tension, to carry deep emotion, to long for beauty and meaning, and yet wonder if she's too much or not enough all at once.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: In her coaching journey, this woman began to uncover the stories that shaped her identity.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And she started to believe, truly believe, that she is seen, wanted, and already loved.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So here's her wholehearted journey in her own words.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, my name is Sonia Scott.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: I live in Thousand Oaks, California, and this is my wholehearted journey.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: My story, like many of yours, has several layers.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: I first began working with Amy back in 2020.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was feeling stuck, very alone, and unsure of my next steps.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: I had spent many years looking for the missing pieces that would help me best understand my story.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: We all have one, a story that includes fibers of our being, family of origin, our identity in Christ.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think I mentioned before I first heard of Amy on a summit.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: However, it was while listening to her podcast and subsequently becoming an avid follower that I heard an offer that I couldn't refuse.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: What I saw as the perfect segue into the world of the Enneagram.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: The idea of entering my inner world, discerning and dissecting how I had become the woman that stared back at me, and when I looked in the mirror every day, that was more than a little unsettling.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was dying to know more about the stranger who had helped me survive for almost 40 years.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: What lied behind the mask and coping mechanisms, under the desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect wife, mother, and child of God, finding a way to make her feel safe and assure her that showing up in the world was not only safe, but absolutely necessary to continue on this journey called life.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: I knew that God's word said that he wanted us to have life.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And not just that, but an abundant life, a beautiful life.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: And when he said that, he meant this side of heaven.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: However, I had found myself often resigned to the idea that I would only feel that abundance as I danced on streets of gold in the presence of my Savior.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: I am also grateful for that faith, because it really sustained me through some periods of feeling very numb, knowing that my life, what I was experiencing, was full of joy, but feeling very, very disconnected from it.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was able to fulfill the roles, expectations, all with a smile on my face, while essentially battling a true disconnect just below the surface.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: As a mom, I had fallen into a great rhythm, etched out very carefully by fear and an insatiable drive to do it all right.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: I loved my kids more deeply and completely than I thought was possible.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: It was not lost on me the responsibility of being their mom.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: I am a witness to the fact that what we do and what we don't do have a big impact.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: My husband absolutely was the man God that had sent in my life to be my soulmate.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: But life and their development was beginning to outpace my ability to keep up.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And when you add a global health pandemic into the mix, voila, I found myself spinning and searching for a more sustainable way to move forward.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: The DIY coaching was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: It was the beginning of the making of me, or maybe the discovering of me.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: I reflect on that year and the cliche of 2020 giving me 2020 vision is clearer now than it could have been at the time.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: I began to acknowledge my own part and what had really become a life disconnected not just from myself but humanity at large.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I found that hiding behind the role of mother and wife was a little girl dying to be seen and heard.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so I began the journey of coming home to myself.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: The journey of really looking at my story, being honest about my victim, villain, and hero mindset, discerning how these roles could help me along the way, as well as how they have hurt me.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: One of the more shocking points was when I realized that yes, there are villains outside of our lives or that we have relationships with.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes we can be the villain in our own stories.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I began with the DIY coaching, I segued into counseling, started a life coaching business using the gospel and the Enneagram, and now I find myself being coached and mentored through this new stage of life and wholehearted revelation.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: There are times that it absolutely feels like two steps forward and one step back.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: But the most important gift I've given myself is patience with the process.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Amy has guided me through soul care strategies that have given me clarity and a way of escape.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: When as a four, I tend to ruminate and get a little too comfortable in the hard.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Amy has given me words to define the ache for home that always seemed just a little too present and release me to see boundaries as a form of caring for the relationships that are most important to me.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have learned about the connection between my head, heart, and gut.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: That head and heart are where I get stuck.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's the place where I am comfortable.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: I feel automatically, and then I begin to think about what I feel so that I can make sense of it.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that produces, guess what?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: More feeling.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: While gut still very much a part of who I am, God created us with all three, is something I have to be much more intentional about.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's where my doing comes from.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: Through this process, I have been released to see feeling deeply as a gift, but also have the understanding that when feeling and thinking rule my life, I ultimately can miss years of showing up for myself.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: I have acknowledged and become more intentional about the role exercise plays in my life.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: The Lord even challenged me to slow my exercise down to a walking pace for a season as he ministered to my heart.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: The reality is exercise had become a crutch in so many ways, dating back to my high school days.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: I have had such a push-pull, love-hate relationship with exercise.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: And my body, it's something I've definitely surrendered several times.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: I would ride my bike to the point of exhaustion and metabolize pain and stress with each petal stroke.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: I had substituted the endorphin surge for his presence.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: There were some things I needed to slow down to process.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: So walks in nature began to be the place where I would activate doing and where I began to do some of my most poignant healing.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Along this journey, I have learned to be aware of what is mine to carry and what was never meant for me to hold.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: How to show up for the little girl who wanted to belong, feel protected and loved.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: And most beautifully, I have begun to share that person with my peers and loved ones, as evidenced by more intimacy in my marriage, connection with my daughters, without the shadow of fear, and being more open to cultivating friendship.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many times that she referenced a moment where she was willing to own the role that she was playing in her story and how she can make a decision to take a courageous step towards wholeheartedness.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that kind of beautiful honesty takes courage.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's that same courage that makes the four presence so powerful.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're trying to impress or stand out, but because they're finally standing firm in the truth of who they are and whose they are.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening and that story stirred something in you, if it reminded you of your own longing to feel known, seen, and not too much, I want to invite you to pause with me for a moment of stillness.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: And let's take a breath together.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not to change who you are, but to return to the truth of who you already are.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe in.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I am seen.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe out.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: I am already loved.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, when comparison clouds our hearts and shame whispers we don't belong, remind us that you created us with intention, that our depth is not a defect, and that ache inside isn't just something to fix.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a reminder that we were made for something more.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Help us bring our full, vibrant selves to the table, not to earn love, but to reflect the beauty of your image within us.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: May the ones who feel too much or like they're not enough come to rest in the truth that you call them beloved.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not someday, but already.com forward slash any Summer.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can just get a free guide specific for your Enneagram type.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, in the emails with that guide, you can get a link to schedule your own clarity call if you're ready.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you don't have to navigate this journey alone.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's space for your voice, your story, and your healing.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is the heartbeat of Simply Wholehearted.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: We are all broken, we're all blowing it, but the brave one, she does something about it.