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Hidden Ways Women Self-Sabotage Financially · Rock My Finances

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Speaker 3: Welcome to the Rock My Finances Show on k for
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Speaker 3: fund in finance joint powerhouse Jeffer Jos CDFA CMC and
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Speaker 3: private Wealth Advisor as she collaborates with you to create clarity,
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Speaker 3: control and confidence with your money, your web. It's not
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Speaker 3: about the zeros, So what is it all about? Let's
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Speaker 3: find out now Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jose.
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Speaker 1: Welcome back to Rock My Finances I'm so glad you're here,
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Speaker 1: and I want to mention that I do research a
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Speaker 1: lot for this podcast, and I see what's current and
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Speaker 1: what things are being searched. So I'm trying to find
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Speaker 1: out what women want to hear more about. And today
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Speaker 1: you actually use the word self sabotage financially, so I
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Speaker 1: thought that was pretty curious, and apparently it's gotten several hits,
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Speaker 1: so you are not alone if you are feeling this.
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Speaker 1: So hidden ways women self sabotage. And before we judge
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Speaker 1: this phrase, let's not judge it. Okay, let me just
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Speaker 1: say financially, self sabotage usually has very little to do
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Speaker 1: with intelligence, has very little to do with education, has
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Speaker 1: very little to do with money experience. Some of the smartest,
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Speaker 1: most capable, loving women I know still struggle with money pattern.
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Speaker 1: And this is a pattern, right, Sabotaging is a pattern.
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Speaker 1: We can sabotage ourselves and relationships and our job and
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Speaker 1: with our money. So why why is this a pattern? Well,
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Speaker 1: because money behaviors are often emotional. They're not logical. Yes,
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Speaker 1: I know, emotions, emotions are everywhere, hormones and emotions.
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Speaker 2: So here's just a few signs.
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Speaker 1: So that you can see if you want to continue
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Speaker 1: to listen to this episode because you might not be
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Speaker 1: a self sabotager. So here's some ways that you can
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Speaker 1: be self sabotaging without even knowing it. Right.
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Speaker 2: We have to have the awareness.
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Speaker 1: First, avoiding looking at your bank account, emotional or stress
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Speaker 1: spending like retail therapy, over spending to impress others. This
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Speaker 1: happens a lot, so if you feel like you need
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Speaker 1: to be a labelmonger or something like that. Feeling guilty
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Speaker 1: about spending on yourself. I have a lot of women
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Speaker 1: that will do anything for their kids and their husband
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Speaker 1: and their house and their home, but they will buy
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Speaker 1: a new dress. Yes, they'll still wear the same old
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Speaker 1: thing to the same old party, even like a special occasion.
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Speaker 1: They'll pull something out of the closet instead of actually
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Speaker 1: getting something fresh for themselves. Feeling guilty about spending on yourself.
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Speaker 1: Consistently rescuing other people financially, so giving money to people,
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Speaker 1: ignoring debt or bills, avoiding financial conversations. Do you find
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Speaker 1: yourself just kind of backing away when your spouse or
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Speaker 1: business partner or yourself need to look at your money, saying, oh,
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Speaker 1: I'll deal with that. Later, or even thinking I'll deal
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Speaker 1: with that later. Do you live from paycheck to paycheck
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Speaker 1: without a plan of getting out of that rat race?
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Speaker 1: Undercharging or undervaluing yourself? If you're a business owner and
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Speaker 1: you're undercharging, or if you're an employee, do you undervaluate
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Speaker 1: yourself and not ask for that raise when you should
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Speaker 1: be receiving that raise, or working way too much over
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Speaker 1: time and not really getting paid what you should be
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Speaker 1: being paid for, not asking for raises or better pay,
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Speaker 1: shopping when you're lonely or stressed or bored, Comparing yourself
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Speaker 1: to others financially. I think a lot of us do
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Speaker 1: this because we want a Barama where we should be.
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Speaker 2: Well, that doesn't work.
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Speaker 1: Comparing I'm sorry, waiting for others or someone else to
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Speaker 1: rescue you. Do you remember Cinderella story when that prince
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Speaker 1: was going to come in on that shiny right white
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Speaker 1: horse and rescue us, and as a pretty woman said,
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Speaker 1: send the freakinrella and no say that, but you know
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Speaker 1: what I mean? Yeah? Are we waiting for somebody else
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Speaker 1: to come in and figure it out? Do you just
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Speaker 1: believe you're just bad with money? Feeling overwhelmed every time
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Speaker 1: somebody starts talking about money, avoiding future planning, avoiding retirement planning,
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Speaker 1: spending first and then figuring it out later. That is
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Speaker 1: a plan, right, staying financially dependent out of fear. Are
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Speaker 1: you in a bad relationship with money, either a business
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Speaker 1: partner or a spouse or your children? Are your children
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Speaker 1: taking advantage of your money? Are they living with you
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Speaker 1: when they're twenty two, twenty three, twenty four, twenty five?
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Speaker 1: Do they come back out after college and stay for
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Speaker 1: years without paying rent or without contributing to the household?
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Speaker 1: Are you making decisions emotionally instead of intentionally not knowing
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Speaker 1: where your money is going? Y'all, we got to look
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Speaker 1: at our numbers. Like, if you don't know where anything's happening,
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Speaker 1: you're just going to feel so overwhelmed, putting everyone else's
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Speaker 1: needs before yours, starting budgets but never following through. You'll
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Speaker 1: have to hear my other episode on a spending plan
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Speaker 1: instead of a budget, ignoring small problems until they become
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Speaker 1: great big and like are you looking at.
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Speaker 2: Your money each month? Do you know what's coming out
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Speaker 2: of your bank accounts?
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Speaker 1: I'm telling you, every time I look at my credit cards,
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Speaker 1: there is a bogus charge on there, so we got
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Speaker 1: to keep an eye on our financial world. Do you
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Speaker 1: feel shame around money mistakes that we've made in the past,
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Speaker 1: Avoiding learning about money because it feels just so intimidating,
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Speaker 1: using credit cards to maintain a life lifestyle instead of
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Speaker 1: just emergency only, or for the point right, living in
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Speaker 1: financial chaos instead of creating structure, waiting to feel confident
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Speaker 1: before taking action when this does not work, because taking
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Speaker 1: action helps you feel confident. So these things quietly shape
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Speaker 1: our financial decisions more than our spreadsheets ever do. This
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Speaker 1: is the biggest thing I want to get to everyone
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Speaker 1: is I can give you a great retirement plan.
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Speaker 2: I can give you a great.
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Speaker 1: Everything's all settled in organized, you know exactly what's happening,
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Speaker 1: you know you're ready to return, you know how much
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Speaker 1: money you can spend, you how much money you're going
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Speaker 1: to get like all through the rest of your life
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Speaker 1: does not matter. If I do everything great as a
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Speaker 1: financial advisor and you feel bad about money inside, if
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Speaker 1: we don't deal with that, you're going to create an
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Speaker 1: issue or chaos around money. I have a client that
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Speaker 1: shares a lot of their money. They are always helping
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Speaker 1: a sibling or a niece, or a nephew. Well, that's
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Speaker 1: become part of pattern now, So they need an extra
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Speaker 1: thirty thousand dollars a year to take care of family members.
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Speaker 1: That's not going to happen forever. They're not going to
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Speaker 1: have that forever. So we have to take a look
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Speaker 1: at things. So today is not about blame. Nope, it's
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Speaker 1: only about awareness. We've got to see the patterns before
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Speaker 1: we can change them. Right, and what is stopping us
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Speaker 1: from seeing the patterns?
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Speaker 2: Don't don't duo? Okay, you ready?
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Speaker 1: Fear good old fear avoidance. It's better to avoid.
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Speaker 2: Than look at it. Guilt.
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Speaker 1: We feel so guilty because we didn't start saving a
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Speaker 1: long time ago, or we spent too much on this
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Speaker 1: or that.
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Speaker 2: Shame.
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Speaker 1: It just boils down to a secret about guilt equal shame.
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Speaker 2: So we don't want to keep secret. Are we just.
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Speaker 1: People pleasing way too much? And we just have a
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Speaker 1: really really low self esteem and a low confidence around
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Speaker 1: money that we just don't really know about it. So
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Speaker 1: it's embarrassing, right, trauma? Have we experienced trauma in our life?
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Speaker 1: And trauma creates patterns that we take into our money world.
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Speaker 1: Just completely stressed out because we're so busy, and we
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Speaker 1: also have childhood conditioning, Yes we do. We created our
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Speaker 1: money beliefs in childhood. So remember the goal is not perfection.
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Speaker 1: It's only about clarity so that we can gain some control.
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Speaker 1: Self sabotaging starts emotionally. Most women don't wake up and
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Speaker 1: intentionally say today I'm going to.
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Speaker 2: Make poor financial decisions.
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Speaker 1: Instead, self sabotage usually happens quietly and emotionally. Right, we
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Speaker 1: do all those things that I just mentioned. So many
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Speaker 1: women function very highly in a lot of areas of
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Speaker 1: their life, but they're secretly carrying anxiety underneath their financial
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Speaker 1: and their financial world. And the longer we avoid something
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Speaker 1: that avoids something, the heavier it feels. And it just
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Speaker 1: gets like this great big elephant sitting on our chest.
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Speaker 1: And y'all that is not good for our health.
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Speaker 2: Right.
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Speaker 1: Stress is the number one killer in our world. I
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Speaker 1: heard somewhere I don't know exactly where, so don't quote me,
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Speaker 1: but it's just like, oh, I don't know, they equated
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Speaker 1: it to something. It was crazy, But stress is we
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Speaker 1: all know. It increases our heart rate and increases our cortisol,
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Speaker 1: increases our blood pressure, stops us from losing the weight
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Speaker 1: or releasing the weight that we don't want any longer.
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Speaker 1: And for me, it makes me snappy. I become such
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Speaker 1: a beach when I'm completely stressed out, and I know it,
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Speaker 1: and I say, okay, breathing techniques. Right, there's lots of
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Speaker 1: things that we can do. I have several episodes about
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Speaker 1: getting rid of financial stress. This also leads some people
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Speaker 1: to emotional spending. So that's one of the biggest patterns
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Speaker 1: that are hidden. So when women emotional spend, they're trying
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Speaker 1: to get some type of comfort or reward, or they're escaping,
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Speaker 1: or they're numbing out, or they're finding an identity in
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Speaker 1: the things that they're purchasing, or it's just pure entertainment
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Speaker 1: and validation that they actually have money when they go
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Speaker 1: up there and purchase things.
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Speaker 2: Sometimes we do it, we're not even realizing it.
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Speaker 1: We say things like I deserve this, I've had a
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Speaker 1: hard day, it was unfailed, I do Oh my gosh,
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Speaker 1: deal right. So, now, let me be clear, there's nothing
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Speaker 1: wrong with enjoying your money. I love my money and
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Speaker 1: I love spending my money, and I want you to
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Speaker 1: love your money too. That's not the problem. We just
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Speaker 1: need to plan for it.
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Speaker 2: That's all.
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Speaker 1: The problem happens when it becomes emotionally and you're trying
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Speaker 1: to regulate your emotions with spending and or constricting. Right,
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Speaker 1: not spending also helps you regulate the emotions, which might
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Speaker 1: not be necessary. So no purchases can help you fix loneliness, stress, burnout,
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Speaker 1: a low self esteem, a low sense of self worth,
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Speaker 1: feeling unseen, unloved, not good enough, feeling completely out of control.
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Speaker 1: There's no amount of money that's going to help you
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Speaker 1: cure that. Sorry, it's not going to happen. It might
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Speaker 1: be for the moment, but not for long term. So
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Speaker 1: often emotional highs last just less than three minutes, while
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Speaker 1: the guilt around that is going to last for days, years, months.
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Speaker 1: Like it's crazy. So people pleasing and over spending on others,
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Speaker 1: let's talk about that. The major financial sabotage for women
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Speaker 1: is when we start to people please or when we're
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Speaker 1: I'm a huge co dependent in recovery and spending on others.
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Speaker 1: Many women were conditioned to keep everyone else happy. I'm
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Speaker 1: a mom. I want to keep my kids happy. Number
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Speaker 1: one thing in my life is I want my kids happy.
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Speaker 1: I try to put myself first before that. I'm not
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Speaker 1: always successful. I'm being very successful right this moment, just
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Speaker 1: saying I just did a great thing today and said Nope,
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Speaker 1: I can't do that. This is where I'm at. You
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Speaker 1: let me know where you're at. Instead of saying, oh,
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Speaker 1: I want to take care of that for you, I
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Speaker 1: want to fix it for you, Like I really want
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Speaker 1: to do all that, but we really can't, especially when
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Speaker 1: they're adults. Right, avoid disappointing people. I don't want to
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Speaker 1: disappoint my children at all overgiving over helping rescuing others.
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Speaker 1: Do we ever want to just rescue if they have
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Speaker 1: a problem, I just want to fix it. And do
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Speaker 1: we say yes when we really mean no? Financially this
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Speaker 1: can become exhausting. We often pay for things that we
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Speaker 1: can't afford. So I know I had a client years
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Speaker 1: ago and she would take all her coworkers to lunch,
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Speaker 1: like all the time, like weekly, and pay for everyone
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Speaker 1: not two or three, but they could get up to
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Speaker 1: six or seven, and she would always pick up the tab.
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Speaker 2: And when we sat down to.
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Speaker 1: Do her cash flow, we're looking at this, I'm like, Okay,
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Speaker 1: this is a lot of money, like on a monthly basis.
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Speaker 1: I want to say it was I tak like close
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Speaker 1: to one thousand dollars, Like it was a lot of
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Speaker 1: money on a monthly basis, and she had no idea
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Speaker 1: it equated to that much. And so immediately she stopped
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Speaker 1: and she said, I would take you out on your birthday.
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Speaker 1: That's great, that one person she will pay for on
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Speaker 1: their birthday. I thought that was a great compromise. Of course,
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Speaker 1: they still went out to lunch. They still were great friends,
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Speaker 1: and they had a blast. And she had a lot
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Speaker 1: more money to do with what she wanted to do
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Speaker 1: right financially, rescuing adult children.
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Speaker 2: This is a big thing again, Code Pendant every good.
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Speaker 1: So raising adult children is difficult after COVID, they couldn't
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Speaker 1: find jobs. I mean, I feel for them. So there's
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Speaker 1: a lot of things that they can do. I mean,
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Speaker 1: I had my clients make sure that our children in
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Speaker 1: high school had their own bank accounts. They knew what
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Speaker 1: to do with money. They'd either put their allowance in
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Speaker 1: there or their jobs in there. And I know a
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Speaker 1: lot of people did not want their kids to work
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Speaker 1: until after college.
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Speaker 2: I did not do that.
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Speaker 1: My daughter worked all the way through. My sons always worked.
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Speaker 1: Like that's just me and I know I get so
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Speaker 1: much self esteem from work that I wanted them to
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Speaker 1: realize that too. And as being a single mom, I
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Speaker 1: also wanted them to have someone else tell them what
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Speaker 1: to do. So they each had a boss telling them
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Speaker 1: what to do.
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Speaker 2: It wasn't just me.
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Speaker 1: So becoming adult children and like when do we cut
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Speaker 1: their cell phone off? When do we stop paying for
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Speaker 1: their cursurance? Like it goes on and on and on forever.
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Speaker 1: So we want to make sure that we're talking about
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Speaker 1: these things. If you want to help, that's great. If
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Speaker 1: you want to help them buy a house, buy a car,
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Speaker 1: that's wonderful. But we need to talk to our adult
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Speaker 1: children stay in unhealthy dynamics.
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Speaker 2: Do you ever do that?
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Speaker 1: Like you know you're in a bad dynamic with either
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Speaker 1: or a friend or a neighbor or a coworker, and you
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Speaker 1: just keep staying because it's too hard to have that
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Speaker 1: I call a conscious conversation, Like you need to sit
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Speaker 1: down and say I feel when this happens, and next time,
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Speaker 1: I want this done and I will do this like
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Speaker 1: a basic outline of a great conversation. And if do
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Speaker 1: we avoid setting boundaries, that is all self sabotaging uscals.
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Speaker 2: We don't want to be doing that.
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Speaker 1: Underneath all of that is just a fear. What if
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Speaker 1: people get upset with you? What if people don't like
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Speaker 1: But I can promise you financial boundaries bring peace. I
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Speaker 1: promise you. I want you to be selfish. If you're
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Speaker 1: looking at this as a selfish thing, then I want
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Speaker 1: you to be selfish. I do not believe it's a
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Speaker 1: selfish thing because I'm putting the oxygen mask on me
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Speaker 1: before I can help anyone else. So I'm going to
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Speaker 1: be much better help down the road when I got
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Speaker 1: my house in order. Right. Do you avoid financial conversation?
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Speaker 1: I know it's very intimidating, and a lot of women
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Speaker 1: don't want to be an emotionally charged conversations. They just
15:12
Speaker 1: shut down immediately. So when some women here, money is stressful.
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Speaker 1: Men handle finances better. Nice women don't talk about money,
15:21
Speaker 1: don't ask questions. You're bad with money. We could hear
15:24
Speaker 1: any of this growing up, right, and that becomes part
15:27
Speaker 1: of our identity with money, which we need to restructure.
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Speaker 1: So instead of learning, a lot of women just avoid.
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Speaker 1: Avoidance is not opening statements, not just talking about money,
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Speaker 1: not planning, incurring debt and then ignoring it, not asking
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Speaker 1: what things cost handling all financial control to someone else
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Speaker 1: and you have no idea what's happening. I had a
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Speaker 1: client actually that never knew the cost of anything because
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Speaker 1: she would just buy whatever she wanted to buy. She
15:53
Speaker 1: made good money, but when it came time to planning
15:55
Speaker 1: for quitting work, she was like, well, where's all my money, wool,
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Speaker 1: You've been spending it all, like you know, now, time
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Speaker 1: to figure it all out, right, But we want to
16:04
Speaker 1: do that from the get go. It's never too early
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Speaker 1: to plan, never too early to see what money is
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Speaker 1: doing in your life.
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Speaker 2: Here's the truth.
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Speaker 1: Avoidance temporarily reduces anxiety, which is very true. Unfortunately increases
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Speaker 1: long term stress. So we want clarity and we want
16:22
Speaker 1: to make sure that we know. We don't want confusion.
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Speaker 1: We want to know what's happening with every dime in
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Speaker 1: our household, and we want to be able to plan
16:29
Speaker 1: for every dime in our household. Right, if we're feeling
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Speaker 1: like we're undercharging or undervaluing ourselves, apologizing for our prices
16:37
Speaker 1: and not stepping into that person that you know you
16:40
Speaker 1: are working for these people, that's something that you need
16:44
Speaker 1: to catch and we need to make sure that we
16:46
Speaker 1: can create the confidence so that you can find security
16:49
Speaker 1: choices in your money, having the freedom with your money stability,
16:53
Speaker 1: and then you can be generous, right, and then you
16:55
Speaker 1: can have a bigger impact. So don't wait for a rescue, y'all.
17:00
Speaker 1: We need to do this ourselves. Don't wait for an
17:02
Speaker 1: inheritance or a partner or settlement or just a miracle
17:06
Speaker 1: someone else needs to fix it. Let's not wait for that.
17:08
Speaker 1: Let's step into what we need to be doing now.
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Speaker 1: These patterns usually come from our childhood, and it comes
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Speaker 1: from our experiences, our family stress, financial instability, a divorce,
17:18
Speaker 1: or trauma, some shame, it could be anything. So what
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Speaker 1: we learn is money creates conflict and that's just not
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Speaker 1: the way it needs to be. Some learned women shouldn't
17:29
Speaker 1: have the power, which I totally disagree with. I want
17:32
Speaker 1: women to have a craft down of power because we
17:35
Speaker 1: are going to be controlling a majority of the money
17:37
Speaker 1: in the years coming forward, because we live longer than
17:39
Speaker 1: the men, and a lot of boomers are passing down
17:42
Speaker 1: nice wealth portfolios. Some may be even a learned love
17:47
Speaker 1: requires sacrifice. Well yeah, but if you ask your kids,
17:50
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you your kids want you to
17:52
Speaker 1: have fun and have a good time with yourself as well.
17:55
Speaker 1: So I want you to move for judgment to awareness.
17:58
Speaker 1: Take a look at it. See what you're thinking and
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Speaker 1: feeling when you're spending money. Let's see where you're at. First,
18:04
Speaker 1: are you are you self sabotaging? That's the first step.
18:08
Speaker 1: We want to know where do we begin? Not with perfection,
18:11
Speaker 1: just with small consistent awareness, knowing your numbers, loving your numbers,
18:16
Speaker 1: not judgmentally, just honestly. Creating the spending plan. Check out
18:20
Speaker 1: another episode I did on the spending plan. We want
18:23
Speaker 1: to pause our emotional spending. Try it for thirty days.
18:26
Speaker 1: Just don't spend anything for thirty days except for fresh groceries.
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Speaker 2: That's it.
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Speaker 1: No Amazon, no home goods, no nothing I need it,
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Speaker 1: need it no, Just pretend like you don't have it.
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Speaker 1: See what happens in thirty days and how you restructure
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Speaker 1: your brain. It's kind of like having not no sugar,
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Speaker 1: no dairy, no alcohol, nothing fattening right for thirty days,
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Speaker 1: and you do that reset with your body. We'll do
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Speaker 1: that reset with your money as well, and then practice
18:51
Speaker 1: financial conversation.
18:52
Speaker 2: Start chatting with.
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Speaker 1: People about money, about retirement planning or goals that they
18:57
Speaker 1: might have you're going to see yourself in the If
18:59
Speaker 1: you see yourself in these patterns today, you're not broken.
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Speaker 1: We got lots of stuff.
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Speaker 2: For you to fix.
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Speaker 1: You're just human and we want to change you from
19:07
Speaker 1: chaos to clarity, from avoidance to understanding, from survival mode
19:11
Speaker 1: to empowerment. Remember it is not about the zeros, y'all.
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Speaker 1: It's about creating a life where money supports you, your peace,
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Speaker 1: your health. And instead of having money control your emotions,
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Speaker 1: let's have emotions not be peaceful freedom, and then you
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Speaker 1: can control your money. Financial freedom is not external, it's emotional, okay, y'all.
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Speaker 1: I want you to be able to have your spending plan,
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Speaker 1: your retirement plan, your freedom plan, your feminine financial freedom plan,
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Speaker 1: and feel so empowered and love spending your money every
19:46
Speaker 1: time you look at your spreadsheet or your Excel sheet
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Speaker 1: and you have your money date on once a week.
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Speaker 1: I want you all to be able to say, I
19:55
Speaker 1: rock my Finances.
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Speaker 3: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
20:00
Speaker 3: subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube channel for more
20:04
Speaker 3: engagement and bonus content. Tell me what is your money story?
20:08
Speaker 3: Let's find out with Jennifer right here on k FOURHD
20:12
Speaker 3: radio and talk for TV. It's not about the zero,
20:15
Speaker 3: it's about the F word. Feelings, feelings, Jennifer can't wait
20:20
Speaker 3: to explore with you next week. Until then, let's all
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Speaker 3: say I rock my finances.