Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #59: Modeling Resilience: Why Parents of Adult Children Must Learn to Manage Their Stress

Transcript

#59: Modeling Resilience: Why Parents of Adult Children Must Learn to Manage Their Stress · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents navigating the difficult landscape of raising adult children who are struggling to launch confidently and independently into adulthood.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Before we begin, I'm excited to share with you that my parenting course, Journey to Independence, is currently open for registration.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you're ready to help your adult child move forward in life, you'll find the link to learn more in the show notes.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Today, my guest is Dr.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Kate Lund.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: She's a licensed clinical psychologist, author, TEDx speaker, and a resilience expert with more than two decades of clinical practice.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: She's the author of the best-selling book Bounce, and her newest release, which we'll be talking about in today's episode, is Step Away, The Keys to Resilient Parenting.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's a roadmap that helps parents build resilience, manage stress, and strengthen their emotional capacity.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you're curious about what it takes to develop and model resilience for your adult children, Dr.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Kate shares her expertise and will inspire you to practice becoming a more optimized parent.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get started.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Kate.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you so much for having me.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really appreciative.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad to have this conversation with you.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: I find your topic to be such an important one for everyone, for everyone, because each day brings us challenges.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: So we need to be prepared to handle them.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's right.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody, none of us are going to avoid challenges ever.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Having said that, your work on resilience speaks directly to parents of struggling adults.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: So today we're diving into what resilience means, why it's so important for parents to be optimized each day.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: And we're going to talk more about that.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: And what suggestions you have to help parents model and inspire their kids to become more resilient.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: But first, I'd love to know how you became so passionate about resilience.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a story behind this that you can share with the listener?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm definitely passionate about resilience, how we are able to create a resilient lifestyle, move through and beyond challenge, all of that.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Goes back to my childhood, actually, when I was diagnosed with a medical condition called hydrocephalus.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, that means that the cerebral spinal fluid isn't circulating as it should, causing pressure to build up on the brain.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so the good news is hydrocephalus can be managed with something called a shunt, which is a surgically implanted sort of drain or pump that circulates the fluid for us when it can't circulate on its own.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the bad news is that meant lots of time in the hospital, in and out of the hospital, getting shunt revisions, you know, making sure things were okay, all of that.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So coming back to school, looking different, feeling different.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so those early experiences were definitely the catalyst for, you know, the things I became interested in, the areas that I focused on in school, and ultimately my decision to go back and become a clinical psychologist, get a doctorate.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, after working for a few years after college out in Washington, DC, I didn't, I wasn't ready to go right back to grad school, but ultimately I knew that I would get there.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it's definitely those early experiences that served as the catalyst for my passion and my strong interest in this area.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now you have a new book out called Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Can you tell us uh a little bit about it?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: So the book uh is basically a roadmap for how we as parents can optimize our own sense of well-being, um, build that resilient lifestyle that I referenced a moment ago, and show up fully for our kids, for those in our lives, full show up the way that we intend to without being bogged down by all of the inevitable stressors that we're gonna face each and every day.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: I never want to assume that anyone or everyone understands what the term resilience is.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: So can you share your definition with the listener?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: And is this something that we are born with or can we learn?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's a great question.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so, resilience in the way I define it, it's it's a resilient lifestyle.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's integrating strategies and tools into our day-to-day so that we're able to meet the challenges that we're gonna face and move through them without having them shut us down.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Resilience is not that sort of thing that comes upon us when we face a challenge and then we kind of put it away or put it in the background when that challenge is passed.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's more of an integrated way of living, is the way I'm thinking about it here and the way I write about it in the book.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And whether we're born with it or not, you know, some people are born a bit more resilient than others just based on the way they're wired, all of it.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, resilience can absolutely be fostered, can absolutely be learned and developed by integrating some of the tools and strategies that allow us to show up in a level space that allow us to meet the challenges that we're gonna face in a way that allows us to move through through and beyond them.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so what are the signs that someone is lacking resilience?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the the main signs are, you know, if they face a challenge and automatically shut down.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um if they are finding themselves increasingly anxious, increasingly sort of on the edge of burnout, maybe they're gonna have uh mood-related symptoms, maybe they're gonna be more irritable than they might otherwise be.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they might react to situations as opposed to respond.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, those are all some signs that, and actually, one other, they lose sight of the possibility on the other side of the challenges, which is very, very important to maintain and to hold on to within the scope of this resilient mindset, this resilient lens.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And also when we're not as resilient as we might be, we tend to have a really hard time seeing other angles at which, you know, from which we can come at certain challenges, or we have trouble getting back up when we've been knocked down by a challenge, that sort of thing.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Many parents who have adult children struggling uh tend to jump in and rescue when things get too hard, which I think could be one of the hardest habits for parents to break.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So can you explain to our listener who tends to do this what happens psychologically to a young adult when their parents are consistently buffering them from discomfort, failure, even responsibility?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's that's a great question.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a really important question, right?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we do that, we are really taking away the ability of that adult child to develop a sense of agency, a dis a sense of, hmm, that was hard, but I can do this.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we're by taking away that that sense of agency, we're really um kind of shutting them down in a sense, even though we have the best of intentions.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: We want to help, we want to help that child sort of move out of the situation that they might be struggling in.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's a double double-edged situation because we don't want to shut them down.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to take away that agency, we want to find ways to foster that agency.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And parents often say to me that their adult child has no confidence.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: So is it fair to say that once they begin to develop resilience, it will have a positive impact on their self-confidence?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: 100% because they're going to internalize the fact that, well, first of all, they're going to internalize what's possible for them.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And they're going to internalize that, wow, I am successful in certain ways.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to help them to build on that by encouraging them to see the small successes along the way.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because these types of change changes don't come quickly, they don't come automatically.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Takes practice and time to integrate.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the really important pieces there is to be able to see, to spot the small steps forward that we're taking and not thinking that we have to go from point A to point Z all at once, because that's not realistically going to happen.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I want to ask you about some meaningful ways that uh parents can help their adult child to develop resiliency.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I believe we both feel very strongly that parents need to work on themselves, which is why I mentioned optimized earlier.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: So for us as parents to be optimized, what does that look like?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a great question.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, first and foremost, we really need to modulate our stress response so that we're showing up each day as level as possible.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we're showing up in an escalated space and then a challenge hits, and boom, we're going to escalate even more, likely to the point of shutdown.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: We want to be modulating that stress response as best as possible.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of ways to do it.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: But my favorite technique to teach folks is this thing called the relaxation response, which was developed by a physician in Boston in the 1970s for kind of mindfulness and breathing and all this stuff was a thing, but really well-researched technique, very, very applicable across domains.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Very simple as well.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: All you do is come up with a word or phrase that you find soothing in some way and breathe.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And as you're breathing, your central nervous system is modulating.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And with consistent practice, you start to internalize what it feels like to be in that stress-modulated space.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the first thing that we all need to do to start to optimize our own sense of well-being.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, it's really understanding, it's self-awareness.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: What are the things that we need to be at our best?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping in mind we're not going to be at our best every single day, every single moment, but we're going to do the best that we can.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, interestingly, the Surgeon General came out with a report saying that parental stress is at an all-time high.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: So, which is a topic I'll be talking about at another episode because it really is like a pretty intensive topic.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: But needless to say, this relaxation response technique should become a part of our daily lives.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess at the same time, it also is it's it's very helpful for once you start practicing it to be able to teach it.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because it doesn't seem very difficult to teach.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Super easy, right?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what's so great about it.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, practicing it.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, the the Surgeon General's report came out about a year ago.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: One of the reasons I actually launched into writing this book because parental stress is at such an all-time high.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so many parents are on that brink of burnout.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, making it so important to have this type of a strategy, the relaxation response, something like it, build into your day-to-day to modulate your stress response.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really great because so easy, you can take it with you kind of in your back pocket.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: So that if you're about to enter a stressful meeting or you have a difficult conversation with your child or somebody else, you can kind of think of that word, that phrase, take an actual step back, practice for a few moments, and come back such that you can respond to whatever the situation is, as opposed to perhaps react or shut down.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we spoke uh a few weeks ago, and there was something that you said to me that just it's it's it resonated.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to share it with the listener because I found it very powerful.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Being resilient is not just about having moments when we are able to bounce back.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: A resilient lifestyle can become our baseline.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: When resiliency is built into our daily life, we'll be able to deal with the challenges as they come up.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: And we should always be looking out for the possibilities on the other side of the challenges, and that will help us to be better poised to connect with our kids.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, 100%.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's spot on.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess, I guess it's true.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I I must have uh said that to you when we talked the last time.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I mean it's spot on, it's exactly right.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so this modeling resilience, is there are there other techniques that parents can do to because I'm a big fan of modeling.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's because parents are hard, hard teachers, it's not easy to teach.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: We're not born always to be teachers, but our behavior is we can model that.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: So any other suggestions you would have?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: I know in your book there's a lot of actionable steps and tools that you use, but for the parent listening that wants to be able to have that, you know, demonstrate how to help their.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: And we again we call it co-regulation as well, right?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: But to demonstrate how to have more resilience and develop that, do is there any other strategies that you can share with us?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, absolutely.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: In terms of modeling and helping our kids to build their own foundation resilience, one of the most important things we can do in addition to modulating our stress response is connecting with our children on that authentic human level.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sort of being there for them, with them, letting them know that we want to know, we want to hear their experiences, you know, within the context of challenge and otherwise, without jumping in there to fix or tell them how we handled a situation or any of that, but just to be there and hear them.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that might take a while to develop, right?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: The kind of level of connection, level of comfort for that adult child to share with us.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, perhaps that will take time.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: But so to create moments of connection around things that you like to do together or a meal, or you know, for younger kids, I would say a ride in the car, but that's probably not not exactly what's happening with adult kids, right?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, just that connection piece, not being afraid as parents to share the points where we've struggled.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Not in a, well, that was hard for me too, and here's how I handled it.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not that way, but just you know, that we have struggled, that we're not, you know, here without having struggled, you know, and and but but we've we've circumvented, we've navigated.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if the adult child is interested in knowing how that happened, sure, sharing it in an appropriate way.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: But it's those moments of authentic human connection that are so important.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's funny, you just said uh riding in the car, and you don't think, and I I gotta tell you, I've had some of the best conversations with my young adults in the car.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: There's the same, it's almost like the same thing as walking with them.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: They were not staring at each other, having this face-to-face conversation.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: We're side by side in the car or on this walking, and I can ask them questions that I may or may not be as comfortable asking, or they would be responding if they were sitting sitting right in front of me.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: But those car rides, and we've driven a lot, um, they've got they've gotten more comfortable sharing with me.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to encourage parents to jump into the car and run errands and you know, go grab something, a coffee, or just do a drive-thru, whatever, just to kind of get out of the house and and have that rec that connection with them.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I also love that you're talking about connection so much because I in my course, that's like the first thing I teach is to reconnect.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: And we do that through communication and listening, and you know, just it's almost like it doesn't even always have to even be verbal.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's just in the silence of it all.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: So, but you you're bringing up something, and I and I know it's in, I think it's in bounce, which is your second book.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sorry if I'm not res saying the full name.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I just the word bounce just comes to me.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: So can you tell us?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: You have the what is the name of your second book?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: So so bounce is actually my first book.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh bounce, help your child build resilience and thrive in school, sports, and life.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the the first book.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that talks about seven pillars of the resilient child.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: But the cool thing is, those pillars apply to all of us across the lifespan.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: So first pillar is managing emotion, tolerating frustration, which is the modulation of the stress response.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's navigating friendship and social pressure, developing focus and attention, courage, confidence, optimism, and motivation are the pillars that we go through in that book.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it is true, all those pillars apply to all of us across the lifespan.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: The book is just written with the elementary school child in mind because my kids were in elementary school and I wrote the book.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: But the new book, Step Away, The Keys to Resilient Parenting, uh, you know, really is that roadmap for how we as parents can optimize and then model for our kids.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And again, applies across the lifespan.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter, you know, how old our child is, we just kind of adapt and and build from there.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I love that.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I love the fact that you want parents to focus on themselves.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, because a lot of times parents are like, how can I fix them?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: How can I help them?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: What you know, motivate them.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: And we're and I'm saying, wait a second, let's work on you a little bit.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because right?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're you're actually what they're watching and listening to and picking up on.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I love that you focus on us as parents being more optimized.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: 100%, because we want to be able to show up in a way that allows us to have perspective, to respond in ways that we want to, as opposed to react to the stress or the stressors that are happening.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so absolutely, and you know, easier said than done.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they're not all, you know, we're not gonna be optimized across situations all the time because it's gonna kind of ebb and flow.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the more we can build in, dial in this resilient lifestyle and the principles related to it, the stronger we're gonna be showing up and the more we're gonna be able to model for our kids, particularly our adult children who are, you know, developmentally in that space to take things in.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's it's yeah, it's important.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you have twin boys at home?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: I do, yes.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: They are 18, so they're on the cusp of young adulthood, or I guess we could say they are in young adulthood, because at 18 you're technically an adult.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, for sure.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I have a I have an I I take a little bit of an issue with the the by large the the age factor being the the the the I'm an adult, I'm 18.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: I first of all, I'm sure as a psychologist, you know that your their brain isn't even developed until their mid-20s.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: So this I'm 18, you can't tell me what to do when I'm an adult.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what are you talking about?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's it's it's not it doesn't make a lot of sense across domains, right?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And like like all of a sudden that line where you can't communicate with their doctor anymore at all.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like you don't even exist.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that that I've got issues with that, like big time issues, but whole whole nother story.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's it's um, it's been fun with our boys, you know, they're they're 18 and they're very different.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so parenting them has been about how to help each one of them to optimize within their own unique contexts.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's taken different, different approaches, different strategies, different, different ways of of engaging with each of them.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, each of them uh I'm happy to say is is definitely thriving within their own unique.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Context.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: So you know, it's funny, you mentioned something.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: I, you know, I asked about whether it's something that we learn and or something that we're born with, which, you know, I sort of know the answer to the question, but I I'm it's always I'm always wanting the my listener to learn more about that.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: But we know when we have more than one child that they come into the world with a certain temperament.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: And some of them are hardier and some of them more sensitive.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so we have to cater to their temperament as they come into the world.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, are both your boys, your boys, I don't know anything about them, but I'm just saying, are they, did they come to the come into the world different or same?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if so, how did you approach that when it came to helping them build resilience?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or are you probably in the process of it anyway?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely in the process of it, because I think it's a you know, it's an ongoing process kind of forever as a parent.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: I never thought being that parent.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but they were um their differences didn't really start to emerge until uh they got into preschool, uh, really.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so one of them had um some learning challenges early on, which required a different angle on supporting him and helping him to find his path in school and academically and all of that.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And his brother had everything kind of dialed in academically early on.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: So he had other challenges that came up, um, very, very socially emotionally evolved, uh, very sensitive early on.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that, you know, was difficult sometimes because you know, when you're an eight-year-old boy, you're happy with the football, like, where's the football?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm happy.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: But um the sensitive, sort of socially emotionally evolved uh one of our boys wanted to know why the kids were saying and acting the way they were and what that meant.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it's hard for an eight-year-old kid to be coming coming across that way.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, it's all evened out um for both of them, and they're both thriving on their own paths right now.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was a question of recognizing who they were, recognizing where the challenges were, um, getting supports put in place for say my son who had some academic challenges early on, um, to help him bolster his reading, figure out the phonetic awareness piece, all of that, and and and really encourage him in that he didn't have to have all A's, you know, as long as he was doing his best, it was gonna be okay, you know, and he did not be really careful not to compare him to his brother, who had that much easier time academically.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: But for the for the one who struggled a little bit um with some bullying early on, it's like finding helping him to see his strengths and what he was bringing to the table and how he he could use some of those strengths to navigate around some of the challenges.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he found his passion in crew and rowing, and has become very successful in it.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, captain of the team for two years, all the things, and it's been a really important piece of his self and identity, and I think that was extremely valuable for him, and just so encouraging each of the boys in their own on their own paths and helping them to understand you don't always have to finish first, you don't always have to be the best, but as long as you're bringing your best, you're doing doing your best, that's all we can ask.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: So that's sort of a really simple kind of model for how it looked here, easier said than done, you know, it wasn't always perfect, for sure wasn't always perfect.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but in the big picture has worked out pretty well.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's so important because, you know, one of the biggest issues that parents are having is that they're they're young adults, and I say young adults, uh, anywhere in their 20s, uh 30s, um, there's they're young in in their terms of maturation and the development, so I'll call them young, but they're adults.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they're in their rooms, they're not coming out, they're not socializing, they're not finding hobbies.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: They they're just COVID got to them and it's almost been their like excuse.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're not engaging in the world and you're not talking to people or you know, learning a new skill, which could bring frustration, you're never gonna build your resilience because you're just so tucked away, safe in the comforts of your of your little, you know, cocooned world that I uh first thing I say to parents is you open that door and get them out because they're they're never going to be able to handle life's challenges if they're never going to experience them.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: So it really is so much work and it is so hard, you know.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's so hard.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's yes, there's nothing easy about it, right?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's that opening the door, it's encouraging them to take that first step forward when things seem hard because things are hard, you know, it's it's not easy out there these days.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: And but helping them to see the benefits in trying something new or taking a risk with an activity that they might think, learn, I don't think I'm gonna like that, but maybe they will, you know?
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to put the phone down for a minute or more than a minute.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: More than a minute.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: So, in terms of awareness, you talked about that earlier, and that I love that, you know, bringing self like bringing awareness to your body, yourself, and seeing where you are at that at different points, and then you know, working on that stress response technique.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um what else other forms of awareness can can we talk about that would be helpful for parents as well as for them to teach their young adults?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you know, I'll I'll I'll give you one that I that I love, which is, you know, I love journaling.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think, and I've taught, I've, you know, expressed that to my children and bought them blank journals and just said, like, if in order to become more in touch with your thoughts and your feelings, get them out of your head and put them down on paper as if you're almost having this inner dialogue.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they talk about people that talk out, talk to themselves, you know, guilty, but it is a great tool to speak to yourself, almost as if you are co-counseling, you know, and dealing with some of those little fears and demons and insecurities.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: But what what suggestions would you have in terms of getting in touch with yourself, the the your self-awareness?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that is such a great question.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the first thing that I would have uh come to is the journaling.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you, that's held um a really powerful role here.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one of the boys, the uh my son who's socially emotionally involved, very sensitive early on, started journaling in eighth grade, continues it to this day as a daily practice.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it I don't remember specifically suggesting to him that he start to journal.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know I suggested some of the like um headspace apps and modulating his stress response stuff, but I think he took that in the journaling direction, and it has become a very powerful tool for him in understanding himself, understanding how to manage various situations that he encounters, you know, on the crew team or at school or socially or what have you.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's really an example of how that technique, journaling, has kind of played out here.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I recommend it to people all the time because it's such a powerful way to track our experiences, understand how we're reacting to certain things, shift gears on those responses or reactions if we feel like maybe we could do that better.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: So journaling is the first go-to in terms of understanding ourselves and understanding how we're showing up in the world and how we'd like to show up.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: So that's really, really important.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was just gonna say that you can journal, you know, if you had some kind of escalated situation and you feel really bad about it.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: And this is not, let's say, coming from a parent, because you know, we're always kind of like in that state of reaction, response, and we want to be calmer as we talk to them, but we get triggered.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: We're human, you know, we could have had a rough day and then we come in and the dishes are everywhere.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so we have this kind of knee-jerk reaction.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're not happy about it, we're not pleased with it.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: But when you journal about it, the the question you ask yourself is, how could I have done that differently?
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, what you know, what would have been a better approach?
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you come to that level of like acknowledgement that I did not handle that well, I encourage parents to actually say to their young adults, listen, I'm sorry, I did not react properly.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because sorry, go ahead.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_01: What were you gonna say?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was gonna say 100%, because it's admitting when we might have handled something differently, or acknowledging that, hmm, that wasn't the best way to respond in that situation.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna, you know, I would have done this had I had a chance to process.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that's that's all.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just was gonna agree with that idea because it's so important.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it teaches our children that we make mistakes, you know, not to become narcissistic and think that everything you do is the right way, but to know that we're all, you know, figuring it out every day, how to be better, you know, for ourselves and for each other.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: 100%, 100%.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the other thing, sort of in terms of awareness and building awareness that's really important is recognizing when things are going well, being able to pinpoint our wins as opposed to, you know, human nature takes us to that negative space, like I would have, could have, should have, that didn't go well.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's really honing in on the hard stuff.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Really important to manage through the hard stuff, but we also want to be focusing on the good stuff.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I encourage folks to keep what I call a daily wins journal or daily wins exercise each day, where they jot down three to five things during the course of the day that did go well.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that I find a very powerful exercise in shifting awareness and at least bringing our needle back to neutral, maybe even a little bit in the positive direction, which helps us then stay focused on the possibilities out there for us.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually a great suggestion as a nice compliment because a lot of times people go, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get the journal and I'm gonna write, you know, my day or what I did wrong, but you're a hundred percent right.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's so important to be proud of the things that you did well.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's so cool.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: We talk about the small wins all the time, you know, and to acknowledge them.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great piece of advice.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, I always I know we're getting close to wrapping up, and you've shared so much, and I don't want to give too much away because I think your book is great, a great resource.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I do like to leave on a positive note, something that parents, you know, can feel good about or be hopeful about, because as we discussed, you know, there's so much stress going on in the world.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um so if you could leave parents with a message about resilience, what would it be?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it would be to always focus on the possibilities on the other side of challenge for both yourself as a parent as well as for your kids.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Love that.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: Love that.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, Kate, thank you for joining me today on launch.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate your perspective and your expertise on resilience, especially as it pertains to parents.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: And your new book, Step Away, The Keys to Resilient Parenting.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: It'll be linked in the show notes.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I have no doubt that it will become a great resource for many, for many.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: So wonderful.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you for having me.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: I really have have enjoyed this and appreciate it.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, thank you.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_01: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_01: Talk to you soon.