Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #353 Feelings Not Words

Transcript

#353 Feelings Not Words · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, my focus is on feelings, not words. Secondly, what
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: I'm doing is I'm gently exploring those emotions.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mom and.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Dad, Good Day, This doctor Justin Corson and the author
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: of six books about how to make your family happier.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: And here with Kylie, mum to our six daughters and
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: love of my life, who tried so hard last night
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: to be romantic and to make it a special night. Well,
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: with all the children watching in the kitchen, do you
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: want to explain what happened, Kylie?
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: Well, I was driving in the car and this song
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: came on the radio and I was like, Oh, this
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: is an awesome song. I would love to share this
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: with you because it shares the sentiments of my heart.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: So we dance in the kitchen all the.
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: Time, and you're the one who usually picks a song.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so you like this song, No.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: Afraid for you?
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: And so what's the story behind it? Let's fill everyone
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: in what happened?
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: Well, I decided to put it on.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: We started statistic.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Can believe I can't believe it's true. Sometimes our fourteen
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: year old decided instead of listening that she would talk
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: over the top of.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: It every lyric I get to love you.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: I get to love you. You know where she got
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: it from, though, don't you.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: All I know is that she was really destroying a
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: romantic moment.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: And well it's a take off of High School Musical.
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: When they had the auditions.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: I love that. That is so funny. If you haven't
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: seen High School Musical. There's this great song and they're
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: trying to find pe put a singing to the musical.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Somebody walks out on the stage for the auditions and
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: does this much.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: That I cannot see that you were right site.
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: So we're trying to listen to this and if you
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: know the song, it doesn't sound like this. And as
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: she did this over the top of that beautiful song.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: Trying to be romantic, try to have a moment with me,
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: and our fort and year old spoiled it.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: I worked out how to clear out the room very quickly.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I kissed me in front of the kids.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: Lots of sound effects. Parents out there, if you need
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: some time out, just give your spouse or your partner
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: a great, big sloppy kiss and those kids will go running.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I love it. How everyone's like, oh, the kids
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: never leave me alone. I never get a minute to myself.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Start kissing in front of them and they'll just they'll
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: leave the room, and then you'll be able to have
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: an uninterrupted conversation, no problems at all.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: So honey, I love you.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Oh okay, not on the podcast. Seriously, everyone's gonna be like,
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: get a room, you two. Come on. We every Tuesday,
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: do our very best to answer your questions and make
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: your family happier. And Nicky sent through an email to
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: us with a doozy a really tough one that any
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: parent who has ever experienced this one, they just know
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: how hard it is.
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: She said, my five year old has started talking negatively
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: about himself in the last month, and I'm reaching out
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: for tips on how we can break this cycle. Please.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: He calls himself stupid, forgetful, always says he can't do things,
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: he's just a dumb kid, he's naughty, an idiot, etc.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: None of which we say to him, and I'm struggling
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: to identify the source. We have tried saying things like
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: you can't do them yet, or you will or can
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: give it a go. We tell him he's worked hard
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: or done a good job. It breaks my heart when
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: he says such things, and we're keen to hear how
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: we can change his thinking around this.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Heartbreaking. Whenever you see one of your children with
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: that negative self talk, it it sort of crushes you
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: because all you want to do is build them up.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: You want to pump up their tis. You want to
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: make them feel special and amazing and wonderful because that's
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: usually how you see them. And here they are saying
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: how terrible they are. And it's also really clear from
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Nicky's email that they're very familiar with Carol Dwex growth
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: mindset idea, all of these ideas about well you can't
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: do it, yeah, but if you keep that at you'll
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: figure it out and come on, just give it a go.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: And your brain's like a muscle and all you've got
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: to do is try and get stronger. All of those
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: things are coming out, but with a five year old,
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: they're approximately zero percent effective right now for someone who's
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: feeling lousy about himself.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Well, and the reality is it's not just our five
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: year olds who feel this way. Our teenagers go through
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: these experiences, as do our spouses and partners, siblings. We
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: deal with these kinds of stinking thinking thoughts in every relationship.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: So funny that you call it stinking thinking, because that's
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: precisely the term that we would use in a psychology context. Too.
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: Might have listened to once or twel well.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: One or two of my podcasts, you recond one of
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: my webinars here and there. That's precisely what we talk about. Specifically, though.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: What's going on here is what psychologists would call cognitive distortions.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: And you're very particularly prone to cognitive distortions when you've
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: got high emotions. You know what I say, high.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: Emotions, emotions, low intelligence.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: Low intelligence. So here you've got a child who's feeling
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: really big emotions, and during that big emotional moment, as
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: he thinks about himself and his inability to do whatever
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: the thing is that he's failing at because the emotions
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: are so high, there's no rational thinking.
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  Speaker 3: Going on, Will becomes flooded.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally emotionally flooded. Because emotions are higher and intelligence
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: is low. He starts saying things about himself that reinforce
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: how he's feeling. That is, he feels done, therefore he
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: must be dumb. So we've got this cognitive distortion. We've
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: got high emotions, low intelligence, and it becomes a horrible habit.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: Now I want to talk more about cognitive distortions in
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: a sec but there's something else going on that I
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: think might be even more important before we talk about them.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: When our children make mistakes, they often feel shame. Now,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: there's a difference between shame and guilt. And you've read
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: Brene Brown's books, so you'll know the way she distinguishes
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: between the two. And I think it's just such a
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: delightfully simple distinction. When you feel shame.
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  Speaker 3: You feel like you're a bad person.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, like I can't do anything right. I'm just a
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: complete screw up. I'm a mess, I'm a failure. Whereas
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: when you feel guilt, rather than feeling that you're a
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: bad person.
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  Speaker 3: I've done something bad.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Right, So guilt is actually really productive. I've done something bad,
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  Speaker 2: and if you feel guilt, you're drawn to make amends
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: for it. But when you feel shame, that tends to
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: be unproductive. Often they go hand in hand, by the way,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: But when you're feeling shame, specifically, I'm a bad person,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: so We've got a five year old who thinks he's
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: a bad person. He's no good, he's a mess, he's
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: a failure. And with that shame if I'm a bad person,
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: comes an increase in anxiety. If I'm a bad person,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: my parents won't love me because I I won't have
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: any Yeah, exactly, I'm going to be a failure. I
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: can never do anything right. And so the shame leads
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: to an increase in anxiety, which usually leads to a
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: child behaving in an unintelligent way. Why because emotions are high. Yeah, exactly,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: that's right. So we get this horrible vicious circle and
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: all of that creates cognitive distortions, which.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: And the more it happens, the more of a habit
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  Speaker 3: you create, and the more the distortion grows and continues.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: So I'm guessing that's exactly right. It becomes a self
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  Speaker 2: fulfilling prophecy. It just reinforces itself with every action, with
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: every new opportunity to make a mess. And by the way,
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: to five year olds get things wrong very.
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: Often all the time, like all day, every day, because
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: they're still in the learning phase.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they've got their l plates on, exactly, So I
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: think we probably need to spend just a minute reviewing
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: a couple of cognitive distortions that are really common, including
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: the ones that this five year old's experiencing, and then
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: we'll talk about our common responses and why they're wrong.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: So NICKI has every right to be worried about her
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: five year old right now. Yes, and no, I'm not
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: suggesting that what she's dealing with is serious, but the
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: acknowledgment that if this behavior were to continue and it
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: became a.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Perpetual habit, it could be serious.
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: It could become serious.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean, what's really going on here with
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: a five year old who's doing this. It's pretty developmentally normal.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: It's not unusual at all, and that's because of all
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: the things that we've talked about cognitive distortions. Like when
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Nicky steps in with this wonderful growth mindset language, what
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: he does is he starts to discount the positive. He
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: starts to say, well, you're only being nice to me
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: because you're my mum, or good things all or nothing,
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: thinking good things never happen. It's always bad things that
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: happened to me.
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: Nobody loves me, Yeah, everybody hates me.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: I know where you're going, Sony, you were going to go.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: I knew you would do that. So these are cognitive
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: disortions discounting the positive, all or nothing thinking like you
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: should never say always or never because you're always wrong
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: and you're never right, no other way around. Oh it
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: doesn't you know what I mean though? And what also
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: happens though, another cognitive distortion is catastrophized, and you'll see
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: this with five year old you'll see this with fifteen
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: year olds as well, this idea that I can never
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: do anything right, and because I can never do anything right,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: the future is going to be terrible. Nobody's ever going
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: to be my friend, and it's going to be the
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: worst thing ever. And then they get caught up in
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: mind reading. Mind reading is where they start to sort
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: of say, I know it's going to happen. I'm going
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: to go to the party and everyone's going to ignore me.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: And these are all of these cognitive distortions. So let
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: me ask you, kylie. Common responses to this kind of
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: stinking thinking from our kids.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: We usually tell them to stop talking about themselves like that.
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: We don't talk like that in our house, you know,
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: dismiss it, don't be silly.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: So those are two of the most common responses, sometimes
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: well intentioned, sometimes not. But the first idea, Oh, come on,
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: you'll be okay, it's not that bad, everything's going to
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: be fine. Stop stressing about it, even with the best
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: of intentions, that is dismissal Right, we kind of.
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: Don't talk about yourself like that.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: That's when we move into disapproval. Cut it out, don't
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: say things like that. Stop being so silly.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: It's not all about you.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Oh that's hush. But sometimes we hear parents say that.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: So these are ineffective responses. I think we need to
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: talk about why in just a second, and also focus
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: on what we can do to make things better. It's
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: the Happy Families Podcast.
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 10:23
  Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for a time
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: are delving into a really tricky conversation around Nicki and
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: her five year old, all of his stinking thinking thoughts.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, these cognitive distortions that can become so intrusive and
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: so dysfunctional for our children. Let's roll play for a second, Kylie.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: Let's imagine that you're having a really rough day and
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: that's never happened, and I'm going to be dismissing. I'm
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: going to be kindly, gently dismissing. I'm actually going to
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: have the very best of intentions to make things better.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: Let's just see how that feels. Let's hear it from you.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: What's going wrong.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: I'm such a bad mum. It doesn't matter what I do,
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: just the kids. The kids are just never happy. I
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: can't make them happy. I've made their lunches today and
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: they've come home complaining because they're hungry because what I
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: put in their lunch box didn't matter.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: Honey, don't be so silly. You're a great mum. You
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: do a great job. You try so hard.
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: Are you kidding me?
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Everything's going to be fine.
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: Honestly, I just there's no gratitude for anything that I do.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: So when I say to you, everything's going to be fine,
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: you're doing a great job. How does that make you feel?
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Do you feel like.
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: You don't understand what's going on.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, all right, we're only role playing. Okay, all right,
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: I just want to make sure you know we're role playing. Okay,
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: let's go with a different kind of dismissal again, a
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: very common response. You're getting really upset, and I say,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: don't be so silly. You know that's not true. You're
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: just being ridiculous.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: Are you kidding?
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: We are role playing. The face right now makes me
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: a a little bit nervous.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: But again, imagine you could have got a Grammy.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: Imagine that. I think Grammys for music. Oh it's the Oscar. Yeah,
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: that's right.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Say how much TV I was.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: So when we're talking about what's going on here, we
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: can do our very best to convince them that they're
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: wrong by dismissing their emotions, by saying, oh, kiddo, you're
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: not dumb, you're not silly, you're not a failure. But
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: would you know that's it. They don't believe you for
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: a second because.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: You're only saying that because you're my mom.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: I remember when I was catching a bus to the
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: beach one time, I wasn't wagging. I promised it was
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: a Saturday morning and I was off to the beach
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: for a surf. Of my friends jumped on the bus,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: paid the bus drive the fair. As I walked to
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: the back of the bus, I was cutting my change
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: and realized he'd given me too much. So I went
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: back to him as he pulled out of the bus
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: stop and said, you gave me too much change. Gave
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: him the twenty cents extra that he'd given me. He
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: looked at me and said, well, that's really honest of you.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: You must be a really honest kid. As soon as
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: he said it, I was like, oh, you don't know
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: the half of it. I've just done so many dishonest
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: things in my teenage years. It's unbelievable. What happens is
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: we discount the positive, and that's what our children are
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: doing in this case. When we try to say, don't
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: be so silly, you're great, you're amazing, they take it
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: as dismissal and they ignore the fact that we're saying
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: it because what they believe is far stronger than what
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: we believe. Totally, Okay, let's do the second one. Let
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: me do what some parents unfortunately do when their kids
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: say that they're done more stupid or not doing very well.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: I'm such a stupid mom. I can't do this.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: You're being hysterical, hysterical.
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: You don't even know the half of it. You want
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: to call me hysterical, I'll show you what hysterical is.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: I'm using that word because Steve Price used it to
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: another panelist on the Project one night and it really
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: set things off. She got really mad. So when we
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: turn against them, when we become disapproving, it doesn't make
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: things any better either. There is a better way, and
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: the better way goes like this.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: I'm such an idiot. It doesn't matter what I do.
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: I just can't get this stuff right. You know, even
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: when I've got to pick the kids up today and
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: I left Kylie.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: You're having a terrible day. Hearing you speak like that,
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: it hurts my heart, and I know that it hurts
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: yours too. It's been a really really rough morning for you,
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: hasn't it.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: You don't know the half of it.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: Would you like to spend some time telling me about it?
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: Not? Really?
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: You feel that bad? Yeah, you feel like you'd just
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: rather be left alone. No, you'd like me to be
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: with you, But you feel horrible. Yeah, And as I've
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: shared that response with you. How does that make you
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: feel that you understand? Okay, you can step out of
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: the role play now, it's okay. You take this very seriously,
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: don't you this podcast? Yes, you do, and the role
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: play especially. So what I've really done here is I've validated.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: I haven't said that you're right or wrong. I've just
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: told you what I can see. You're having a rough morning,
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: really really struggling.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: So would it be a good time to maybe ask
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: me when there's been times that I've been successful. Would
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: that be helpful?
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Not in the moment, because remember, high emotions, low intelligence.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: Right now, I'm interested in just working with your emotions
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: and helping you to level out and become balanced so
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: that your intelligence comes back. That's what we're really trying
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: to do here. So the tips for any parent who's
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: listened to that and gone, hang on what happened there?
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: I want you to press the rewind button because I
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: think that I got it pretty well right. There's a
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: specific way that I've done what I've done, and it's
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: this number one. I focused not on Kylie's words, although
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: they did form part of my response, but I focused
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: on how she felt. My focus is on feelings not words. Secondly,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: what I'm doing is I'm gently exploring those emotions by
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: saying it's not going well. You've had a really tough time.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Would you like to talk about it? Would you like
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: me to give you some space? Or would you like
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: you would have.
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: Got more brownie points? If you had to ask for
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: a cuddle?
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: Well we got there in the end. Would you like
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: me to stay close to you? Would you need it?
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: But I don't want to get too close too soon,
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: because if you're too angry and ask if you want
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: a couple right then who knows what might happen?
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: Are you talking from experience?
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: I'm just sharing general ideas from science, general ideas from science.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: And then what I'm really working towards is empowering you
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: to tell me what the best way forward will be.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: We're looking at problem focused coping, not emotion focused coping.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: But that's only going to happen once we've got the
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: emotions level and stable. And we do that how by
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: focusing on the emotions. You're having a really tough time.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: It's been a horrible morning, you don't want to be
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: near anyone right now, You're feeling like nobody's listening to you,
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: and everyone's ungrateful and just describing val that's when.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: You book me in for a weekend away. Why myself?
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: Maybe, But remember this is not about you. This is
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: about a five year old, Nikki's five year old to
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: be specific. I feel like we've suddenly turned this into
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: a couple, So NICKI, I hope that that's helpful. Once
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: you focus on the emotion, if you've got a five
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: year old who's saying they hate themselves and they're no good.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: We're going to focus on emotions.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: That's the first step. And then we're going to we're
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: going to explore gently, slowly by saying what you're seeing
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: and asking if you're right.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: And lastly, we're going to rEFInd ways to empower.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: Gently say so, what do you think we can do here?
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Would you like a hug? Would you like some space?
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: What's the best way for us to move forward?
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: Well, I feel like I've just had a therapy session.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: I feel like I've just been through one. We really
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: hope that you've enjoyed the podcast, Nikki. We hope that
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: that's helpful. And for any other parent who's going through
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: these kinds of things, you might not do a role
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: play again, No, I don't think we will. I think
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: that was pretty rough going. Actually I need to go
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: and have my own therapy session to recover we. Like
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: I said, I hope that you got something out of
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: this and that it will help you with the challenges
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: that you face with your children. As always, we think
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: just and rule on from Bridge Media and Craig Bruce,
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: our executive producer, for putting the podcast together and doing
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: such a wonderful job with it. If you enjoy the podcast,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: please leave those five star ratings and reviews. It's those
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: ratings and reviews that help other people find out about
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: the podcast and make their family happier. And if you'd
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: like more and fol about making your family happier, check
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: out our Happy Families memberships because a happy family doesn't
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: just happen. You can find all the information at happy
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot a u