Latest / Motherhood Uncut / What to do about Mom Guilt | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 3 Episode 13 | SEASON FINALE

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What to do about Mom Guilt | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 3 Episode 13 | SEASON FINALE · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: In this podcast, Deb Rubin and I, Kate Kripke, bring to you all those conversations that, you know, you might have with your best friend or your sister or someone that you're just needing to talk about the real stuff in motherhood with.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to bring to you conversations that are going to make you laugh.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: We love to laugh, probably make you cry and cry in the best of ways, move you, inspire you, help you feel seen and validated and less alone because from where Deb and I sit, none of us should mother alone.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Please pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea, coffee, a glass of wine, put in your earbuds, go for a walk.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are inspired by these conversations, both conversations that Deb and I have, just the two of us, and also really incredible interviews that we have with other experts and specialists in the field of mental health and maternal well-being and women's health.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you find these worthwhile, please share with a friend because the reality is we really want to make sure that those moms out there who need a community and who could be uplifted or supported in any way that they find us.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So thanks for being here.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot wait to mother with you.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so I am kicking us off or kicking us out.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the term is.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: But before we jump in, I am going to take a minute to give a major, major plug for some programs that both Deb and I have coming up this fall.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to start with Deb's mother-daughter journey programs.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: As many of you know, Deb is like literally the most phenomenal guide for moms and daughters who want to stay in deep connection through those adolescent years that we know can become so turbulent.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And she runs both in-person and virtual programs for moms who want to learn how to show up and manage all of the roller coaster of things that happen with our daughters.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: She runs these incredible programs that are quite frankly like life-changing.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I did them both live with my daughters when they were early adolescent.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Deb has some incredible opportunities to actually come to Boulder for deep dives just for moms this fall, and also to be able to do some of this work virtually.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So please go visit her website, motherdaughterjourney.co.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: This will be in the show notes.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And learn about these programs because the mom-daughter relationship is so full of potential.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm real close to my daughters.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And no, it is not always easy, but I would not say that I live in a household where there's a lot of adolescent angst between myself and my girls.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I would tribute Deb to that.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So get on over there.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Those of you who are wanting to really shift the way you are approaching challenges in your life, if you're feeling more anxious than you want to, if you're feeling impatient and burnt out and overwhelmed, I really want to encourage you to come jump into my Healthy Mom bootcamp.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: It starts on September 15th.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to meet every week for eight weeks.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this boot camp really promises to get you to a place where you have what you need to stay steady in the hardest moments of your life, to stay connected to yourself, to access true self-compassion, which I'm telling you right now changes everything.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: To change your thinking when your thoughts become negative and ruminating and catastrophic, to learn how to sit with those really uncomfortable emotions and to use them as guides to feel how you want to feel.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And all of that, all of that that you get from bootcamp is in service of your kids.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because really, what bootcamp does is opens up a pathway for your kids to be emotionally well.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we know how to do those things for ourselves, you guys, our kids watch.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we can stay more connected to our kiddos, whether they're babies or grown children, when things are hard.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So come join my bootcamp.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: For our motherhood uncut listeners, I am offering a 20% off gift to you.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can use Motherhood Uncut, all one word in checkout.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm happy to jump on a call with you to answer any questions that you have.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: That is a free call.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I will put the link to schedule that with me in the show notes as well.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we won't be here talking to you for the next couple of weeks, probably month or so, but we do have a way to be working with you directly.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So come visit Deb's website and my deb and my website.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Stay connected to us.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Please let us know how this podcast feels for you.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um, dang, we are just so glad you're here.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of love.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, listeners.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Happy podcast day.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's just me here again today.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Deb could not be here last minute, and I am just like pulling her in in spirit because I gotta say, as much as I love talking to all of you, it's really fun to have Deb here with me.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm gonna be talking about a topic that comes up all the time in my work with moms and all the time in my own life as a mom.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, it's like the topic of motherhood that seems to creep in in almost any conversation that you have with a mom if you sit there and talk long enough.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that is guilt, mom, guilt, holy moly.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this experience of guilt in motherhood starts like at conception and probably even beforehand for those who work hard to become pregnant.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: But guilt, as I think you can relate to, is a combination, like all emotions are, of like painfully uncomfortable physical sensations.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like those kind of physical sensations.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me, when I'm feeling guilty, like my stomach just turns into a knot.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's almost actually, I think I had an experience recently where I was feeling guilty about something, and it's like the blood drain for out of my face.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, holy crap, almost, almost intolerable to sit with ourselves in moments of guilt.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, guilt also includes just deep, deeply critical self-talk.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of self-talk is all about, you know, shoulds and shouldn't and you know, catastrophic thinking.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, guilt is really, really intense when we're willing to experience it.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I also know there's a lot of debate out there.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly have read articles or heard podcasts or heard people talk about how guilt is useless, right?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: That it just doesn't serve us, that we have to find a way to not feel guilty.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna burst that bubble today for a few reasons.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: One, I think it is almost impossible to experience motherhood without mom guilt.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, I want to take the pressure of never feeling guilty off my plate.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: That feels like an expectation that I would never meet.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then likely when I don't meet expectations I have of myself, I end up feeling really shitty about myself.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I am not gonna self myself set myself up for that.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I actually also believe you guys that guilt is really useful.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's useful if we understand what guilt is and if we know what to do with it.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: So for the next little bit today, this is gonna be a short little mini episode, but for the next little bit today, I'm gonna talk with you about those two things.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is guilt?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: What is guilt in motherhood?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: But what is guilt in general?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what can we do when we're experiencing mom guilt?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're experiencing guilt in general, so that we don't get stuck in it and have that guilt turn into shame.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, Brene Brown, who's many of our heroes out there, does a lot of research on the difference between guilt and shame.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I am just such a firm believer in Brene Brown's work.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So please to learn more about this, go find her online, go listen to her podcasts and dig deeper because she is just brilliant.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: What I'd like to start with is just the reminder that shame occurs when we are feeling critical or judgmental about ourselves, our personhood.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt occurs when we're feeling uncomfortable or critical or judgmental about our behavior.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is really, really important because the data shows us that people who exist in shame don't actually change much.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, those of us who think to ourselves, I am stupid, or I am incompetent, or I am a bad person.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of times we see this come up in children who were taught over and over when they were young that they were bad kids.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm bad at math, or I'm a bad kid, or I'm a bad student.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: When we get stuck in that kind of thinking, our actions, you guys, we actually choose things, we engage ourselves in behavior that reinforces that feeling about us.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: So for instance, if I'm bad at math, if I'm a if I'm a bad mathematician, why on earth would I ever try to get a good grade?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: If I am a bad kid, why on earth would I ever make choices that are kind in nature?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: So this is really, really important to know that when we have critical and judgmental feelings about ourselves, we will often unintentionally, so it's often unconsciously, act in ways that reinforce those beliefs we have about ourselves.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And we do not want that.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt, on the other hand, when I say I made a bad choice or I got a bad grade, or um I acted incompetently.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a accurate grammatical statement.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: When we comment critically and judgmentally on our actions, we actually are separating those actions, behaviors from ourselves.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: We have perspective and we have more access to showing up differently in our lives so that we can say something differently the next time.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this time I got a good grade.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: In this experience I'm having, I'm accessing my competency.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have the potential to make good choices, right?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to start by really differentiating between the difference between shame and guilt because that shift, that understanding that they're not the same thing is so important in what I'm about to say next.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So when we are feeling guilty about something, like say I yelled at my kids this morning, or I didn't show up to that date that I had with someone I forgot to show up, or I was late to school to pick up my kids, or um I procrastinated on that thing I had to do, and then I missed the due date, I treated myself poorly.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: When we feel guilty about something, really what we're saying, what we're acknowledging is that we've broken some kind of rule.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: So feelings of guilt suggest wrongdoing, right?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you really think about uh the legal system, for example, and if someone is proven guilty of something, they are it's being acknowledged that they have done something wrong and they need to be punished for it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so guilt exists within the context of wrongdoing.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a big question that we want to be exploring is what is the rule that we are telling ourselves or someone else is telling us that we've broken, that we're now feeling guilty for and maybe being punished for by someone else or self-punishing.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I will say, I think mom guilt, the reality of mom guilt is that we walk around feeling guilty and then we walk around self-punishing.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that turns into self-sabotaging, right?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: We beat ourselves up in our mind, or we, you know, don't we tell ourselves that now we have to make up for something and now we can't go exercise or eat well or whatever the thing is, right?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes the punishment that we get for feeling guilty is self-imposed.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of guilt rides under the surface, you know.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I bet a little off tangent, but I bet if if we were all at a soccer game or at a school playground or in a mommy and me class, if you have a baby, that if we did a poll, that eight out of 10 of those moms were feeling guilty about something.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And we may never know, right?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's the burden and isolation of motherhood, is because we don't talk about things very much, it all gets dealt with under the surface.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: And dang, eight out of 10 moms feeling guilty about something, which probably means eight out of 10 moms are punishing themselves.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's no wonder so many mothers struggle with depression and anxiety, right?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but I digress.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let me come back for a moment.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: The point is that by definition, guilt suggests wrongdoing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the first things that we need to do is to ask ourselves what the rule is that we are assuming we broke.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna step back for a moment.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I think many of you have heard me talk about before.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Deb and I have talked about this many times on our podcast.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly talk about in the work I do with mothers, and I'm gonna reframe it again here for you.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Our emotions, all the whole gamut of emotions, everything from the really uncomfortable, painful emotions like sadness and anxiety and anger and fear and disappointment and guilt, I would put in there, right?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: All the way over to the really pleasant emotions like joy and excitement and connection, connectedness, you know, the emotion that we feel when we're love, right?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: The whole gamut of emotions there are there to guide us in our lives.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're like our navigation systems, they're like these inner compasses that tell us when we're on track with our thinking and our choices that we're making and when we're off track.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because really, the only things that we can control, and maybe we'll come back and do a whole podcast on this, it are our own thoughts, what we do with the thoughts that we notice and have, our own thoughts and our own actions.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Only two things we can control.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot control other people's thinking, we cannot control other people's feelings, we cannot control other people's actions, we cannot control the overall things outside of us in the moment, like the weather or the traffic, right?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: All that stuff that we would like to control, we can't control.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: But we can control our thinking and our behavior.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And those emotions are very closely connected to our thoughts and our actions.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we're having thoughts that are sorry, feelings that are really uncomfortable, like the ones I mentioned anxiety, sadness, disappointment, anger, guilt, we want to pause.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: We want to feel those feelings long enough to be able to say, huh, what is this feeling telling me about what I want and need that I'm not getting, what I want and need to feel safe, healthy, and well.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we really need to be honoring our emotions, even when they're uncomfortable, so that we can pull the wisdom out of them, so that we can get back on track.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: So guilt is just one of those emotions, right?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So just like I would say, and certainly Deb would say, that sadness and anger and anxiety and you know, disappointment, those are all valid, appropriate, worthy emotions.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: So is guilt.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what we get to do when we feel guilty, when we feel are having an experience of guilt.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is first we get to pause and we need to tune in.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, it's so hard to tune in when we're feeling uncomfortable.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: You want to like take all of our emotions and energy elsewhere.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: We want to get as far.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Typically, we have this desire to get as far away from those uncomfortable feelings as we possibly can.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not going to be helpful in the long run.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're feeling guilt, first we need to feel it.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, where does guilt land in my body?
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just told you that sort of I can feel a sort of numbness in my face and a tying of a knots in my belly.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's guilt for me.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: The next question we want to ask is what thoughts are accompanying that feeling of guilt?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: So we're in this stage of curiosity here.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling in my body?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: What thoughts am I having?
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have yelled at my kid.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I I shouldn't be out with my friends during bedtime.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: I should be home tucking my kids in.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a bad mom because I'm not around this weekend for my kids' soccer game.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm such a bad mom because I gave my kids frozen chicken nuggets for the fourth night in a row.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my world when I was a mom of young kids.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling so guilty.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: I feel so awful because I shouldn't have sat in front of the television until two o'clock in the morning.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm not going to get enough sleep.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I feel so guilty because I didn't, I forgot to call my best friend on her birthday.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, of course, it's really important, whether they're related to motherhood or not, that we're getting really clear on like, what are we feeling guilty for?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: And we say it out loud, we really get clear, we get reflective.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: What am I saying to myself?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next question, which is where this all begins to shift, is what rule, what rule am I telling myself I've broken?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we need to be willing to step outside of the limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world around us that we were taught when we were young.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe the rule I'm breaking is the rule that I've told myself that good moms tuck their kids in every single night.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: That good moms never miss a soccer game.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the rule I've made for myself is that good moms breastfeed.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Good moms never give their kids formula.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the rule is Um good moms make room for their kids' emotions.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm feeling guilty because I told my kid that she was being ridiculous and to stop crying.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: The point is that we need to assess the rule that we think that we've broken, and then we need to hear that rule out loud.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: I am wondering, listeners, when you hear me say those rules, which I know for a fact many of you have deep down inside, when you hear me say to you, good moms always give their kids homemade food for dinner.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Good moms never give their babies formula.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Good moms never yell at their children.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Good moms are always present and never on their phone.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those are obviously some sort of cliche beliefs or rules that you may or may not believe in.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is that at this point we want to ask ourselves, is that rule mine?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it someone else's?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: And is that rule in service of my health and well-being now at this date and time?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because now we get to ask ourselves, am I feeling guilty because I've broken a rule that I actually deeply value and care about?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Am I feeling guilty that I yelled at my kid to stop crying and suck it up because I deeply believe it's my value to give my kids permission to feel all their feelings?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: That might be really worth feeling guilty about.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I guilty, feeling guilty because I'm walking around with this old school rule that says that mothers should always be the ones to tuck in their children at night?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that that rule is outdated and not in service of my health and wellness, which means that it's not in service of my kids' health and wellness.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I got to change the rule.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what do we do with the guilt?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Once we've asked that question, what is the rule that I've broken?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a rule that I can stand behind that I value that lives up to my in deep, deep integrity?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it a rule that's outdated and old and needs to be changed?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say it's a rule, I'm feeling guilty because I've broken a rule that's not mine, or it's dated, outdated, and needs to be changed.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like moms should always be the ones to tuck their kids in at night.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now it might be worth saying that that rule is probably limiting in so many ways.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I am the one to be home tucking my kid in every night, there are several consequences to that.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: One, I never get a break.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you right now, you and me and Deb and every mom out there, we freaking need breaks, especially around bedtime, because we're more likely to lose our patience if we're putting our kids to bed every single night, right?
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: The other consequence is that if we're putting our kids to bed every night and not another human, whether it's a grandparent or a babysitter or a partner or a co-parent, then our kids don't learn how to have their needs met by other people.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of things we could get into.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: So a more appropriate rule might be it's my job as a mom to make sure that my kiddo has a safe and secure bedtime.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, great.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: There are a lot of people who can do that.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't have to feel guilty for being out with my girlfriends during bedtime because I've made sure that there's someone else to get my kid to bed that's safe and secure.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe my rule might be good moms take breaks to take care of themselves and reconnect with their friends.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now I'm out at dinner with my girlfriends and not tucking my kiddo in.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no rule that I've broken because I'm actually following my own rule.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out connecting with my friends.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: So this is an opportunity, folks, for you to change rules that you're holding yourself accounted to accountable to that are outdated.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's say you break a rule, like this happened to me the other day.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was really exhausted and really impatient.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: And my kiddo came home, my teenager came home and was stressed out about something that I thought was really freaking dumb.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, dude, this is so do not be upset about that thing.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now it is within my deep integrity to raise daughters who know that it is okay to feel whatever they're feeling, that they do not need to feel shame, that every single emotion is valid.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I walked away from that conversation and I took some deep breaths, and I felt so guilty, really truly guilty, like for having broken this rule that I've set for myself that I believe in.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, guess what, you guys?
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Amazing opportunity for repair.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: And what we know about good parenting and good mothering is that mistake and repair is invaluable.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the word?
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning we don't have close relationships with people, with our children, unless we're willing to make mistakes and come back and repair from those mistakes.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I got to do when I felt so guilty was to come back to my daughter and say, you know what?
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: I blew it.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was so impatient.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have lunch today.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: That was my mistake for not taking care of myself today.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I wish I hadn't told you that it was silly to feel that.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because of course it's okay that you feel that thing.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: So by acknowledging my guilt and recognizing that the guilt is connected to something that I feel deeply, deeply passionate about and committed to, I could own my mistake, repair that mistake, and do something connecting with my daughter that also sets me up to work hard to not make that mistake again.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because we can change behavior, you guys, anytime we want.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: But only if we're willing to recognize and feel the feelings that tell us that our choices are off.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope that this is landing for you guys in a way that helps you see the big picture of mom guilt.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that rather than just walking around and assuming it's something, it's a part of motherhood that we can't do anything about, or assuming that we should be able to or we're supposed to not feel guilty, that you look at those moments when you feel guilt in the next day or week or month or year or 72 years, because I'm telling you right now, the guilt is gonna keep coming, that you use those moments of guilt to get wiser and to build deeper connection with yourself and also with your kids.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna reframe the steps.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: The first step around mom guilt is to feel it in your body, to get curious about what am I feeling?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do I feel when I feel guilty?
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: The next question that gets curious about is what words am I using?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: How am I talking to myself?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third question, what rule am I telling myself I have broken?
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then the question is, is that rule a rule that I stand behind that I need to feel this guilt for so that I can repair something with myself?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we want to always acknowledge there's a lot of need for self-compassion in here.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: I did not mention that part, but man, that is important, right?
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: If we pull in the three C's that I've talked about in a lot of my Instagram reels around emotions in general, and certainly we can pull this in is really what we're talking about around guilt.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: The first C is curiosity.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: The second C compassion.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: Man, it feels awful to have stepped out of my integrity.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not perfect because I'm a human and humans make mistakes.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Putting your hand on your heart and staying steady with yourself and offering yourself compassion for fucking up because find me a mother who doesn't fuck up.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: We screw up all the time, right?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then acknowledging what the rule is and then making that choice.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's the third C.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: What thought or action, what action can I take right now that will help me get back into my integrity?
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can own my part, I can apologize, and I can set myself up to not make the same mistake again.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you were sitting in front of me right now, I would ask you, now that you've listened to this 26-minute podcast, how do you feel about mom guilt now?
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm hoping, I'm hoping that you're walking away from this podcast episode, recognizing that mom guilt is actually your friend, like all the other emotions.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that you can do something with it to lean more into the kind of human and mother that you want to be.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: Deb and I will be back next season.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's only about four weeks away, so don't worry.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: We won't be long.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Go listen to all the reruns, share with your friends, but we will be back next season with some so many phenomenal interviews that we have lined up.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: We've got some super important topics to cover.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: We've been getting all kinds of requests from all of you about topics that you struggle with in motherhood that you want us to address in this podcast.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't forget to DM us or email us or give us a call.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: All of the ways to do that are always in our show notes.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: And please let us know what you need because uh we are all muddling through this stuff together.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're a mom of an infant or a grown human, never mother alone.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: And we are here to help support you along the way.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hey listeners, we sure hope you enjoyed that episode.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you did, we would really love for you to share this with a friend.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the deal: we're all in this together.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as a community of moms, we need to make sure that no one is left alone.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: So you can help us with that.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this episode or other episodes that you found useful for you.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: Please consider writing a review and rating this podcast because when you do, it actually makes it more accessible to other moms who might be looking for podcasts that they would also find useful.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: So we are so grateful you're here.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you were interested in just taking a minute or two to share and rate and review, Dev and I would be so grateful.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for mothering with us.