Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / October 11, 2022 | Expresso - Amber Littell

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October 11, 2022 | Expresso - Amber Littell · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Evening.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I almost said good morning up there.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Almost said good afternoon.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm all mixed up.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: But um I want to start out by I'm amazed at kind of the ending that you had here because you'll see that I have a similar ending with wanting to encourage you with a story of hope.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I grew up in a small town of southwest Kansas, raised in a Christian home with my mom, dad, and brother.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I attended church, went to church camps, and accepted Christ at a young age.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing who Jesus was and is has helped me face many things in my life.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, I was sexually abused.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: My abuser was someone I called a friend.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: It happened over a number of years and it became my biggest secret.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I hid it because I was scared.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: In middle school, my mind had developed enough for me to understand more about what was wrong with everything that happened.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I became depressed, I started to self-harm, and I was suicidal.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: The pain was too much.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like there was no light in the tunnel, and that I was beneath the floor.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted the pain to go away, so I tried to take my life and was hospitalized for it.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, the doctors decided to send me to a minst institute, and I will always remember that drive and my short experience there.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: My dad drove me.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It took several hours to get to the institute from our small town.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I remember walking through the institute and sitting in the intake room, and after hearing what they would have me doing and what medication they would have me on, I was thinking, how is this place going to help me?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to kill me even more.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I told them I did not want to stay.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to go home.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: There were long conversations between the doctors, and they allowed me to leave.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: We got a hotel room and would make the drive home the next day.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I fell asleep, and my dad decided to call my mom to update her on me coming home.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: My mom told them about how she was throwing up constantly and how upset she was.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: But all of a sudden it stopped and she felt peace.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was such a moment that she looked at the clock.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: My dad responded with asking what time was that at?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: She told him the time, and my dad said, Whoa, that is the exact same time I looked at my watch because I felt peace around me, and I knew that she was going to be okay.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: My parents loved me the best way they knew how without knowing what was going on or why I was doing these things.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: God gave us a pathway, and even though the filling of hope felt extremely small, a little is all we needed because it grew.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I no longer wanted to self-harm.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to live.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, with my past being a secret and without healing, I did not know how to live.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was confusing.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was torn between what life God was calling me to and the life our culture or society says to live.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I made some bad decisions and I had some unhealthy relationships.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to have premarital sex and I wanted to have some form of control in relationships because I did not have control in situations before.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I liked detention because it made me feel like I had worth and I cared a lot about what others thought of me.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I realized the things I have gone through impacted me in the way I thought and the actions I did, but I still made those decisions.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I've spent time with God on each of these, and I'm so thankful for the forgiveness I have received.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was the year I turned 31 that I heard about a story when I was three years old.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: My normal daycare provider was out for some reason, so I had to go to an interim daycare.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: After my mom tried to return me to this daycare after a doctor's appointment, I refused to go in.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I actually fought her to go in.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: She told the lady, I'm sorry, but I cannot leave her here.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was when we got home that I told her a boy had done something to me.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do not remember this, and it was hard to hear, but I'm thankful to know.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because it helped piece things together and it was a layer of healing for me.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I will talk about my healing in a minute.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, the abuse in my story doesn't end here.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: In high school, I was molested, and when I went to my boyfriend crying to tell him what happened, he was unsympathetic and he tried to have sex with me while I was still wearing my torn dress.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Him and one other boyfriend did not know what no meant.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was an ongoing battle for me with trying to follow Christ and live the image of our culture at the same time.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was confusing to wrap my head around what being a woman meant since I had these experiences.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: It followed me into college.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: In the beginning years, my friendships were unhealthy and I enjoyed the party.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: My thoughts were if you aren't drinking to get drunk, why are you drinking?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's interesting to share my perspective with you and tell of all the hidden things.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you would have known me during any of these years, you would have seen a nice, popular girl from a loving family who lived on the wealthier side of town, who was good at school and sports, highly involved, on the board of multiple organizations, outgoing and happy.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Many did not know of the depression, abuse, or my inner thoughts and struggles.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I had a turning point and wanted to change some of these mindsets.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I had continued to go to church through all of this time, so I know that had an influence on hope in something different.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I made a trip back home around my junior year of college, and I decided to go to a party in a nearby town with a big group of old high school friends.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I was attacked, I became unconscious, and then I was raped.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: When I became conscious and saw him on top of me, and realized that he had taken me into a wooded area, I felt around for sticks so I could try to fight, but there were none.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I looked up into the tree branches above and the darkness and thought about Logan, my boyfriend at the time, who was now my husband, and thought he is gone.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Who could ever want me or who could ever love me?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to cry.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: My attacker took pity on me.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: He stopped, hugged me, and said he was sorry.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: He gave me my clothes and let me run away.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did not know what to do.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: He was someone I had called a friend.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: This guy was well liked in my town.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was well liked in my town.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Who would believe me?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's my word against his.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: How did he make me unconscious?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do I call the cops?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: In fear of what happened and what would happen next if I talked about it, I didn't call.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I cried, slept a little, and then the next day I woke up and prayed.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, God, we've been here before.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I give it to you and let's move forward.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I was forever changed.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to live life like I was fine, but this moment flipped my life upside down.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: As Logan would say, I died inside.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: The other events impacted me and were significant, but this was beyond that.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was lost.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled with school, I switched majors, I withdrew and lost all of my friends except for Logan and one other.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I quit all of the organizations I was in.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I dropped out of the race to become vice president in our student government.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled with anxiety and fear.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was vigilant.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And every night for about two years I had nightmares.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I would wake up terrified, and every night I would do the only things I knew that could help.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I would either pray or read my Bible until I could fall asleep again.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: On the last night of these two years, God gave me two dreams.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Two dreams that he affirmed affirmed he was there, that he was there the whole time.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that he was showing me the way forward.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up smiling.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: The nightmares had gone away, but the anxiety, vigilance, and fear were still present and were all signs of PTSD, but I did not know that's what I had.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fast forward to my husband and I having our first child, and it was a huge blessing and gift.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: But these feelings only increased, for I thought if I could never protect myself, how am I going to protect this little girl?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: God would eventually show me that not only can healing be a part of my story, but that I can take care of that little girl, and now her sister too.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: It started with a Bible study.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: In this Bible study, I was answering questions, and I remember writing in prayer, asking for joy.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: No more anxiety.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted joy, but I did not get joy, not yet.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, those feelings remained heightened.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And when laying in bed, my mind would replay what happened to me, like a movie, and the nightmares returned.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I became very angry with God.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I needed to pray, but the only thing I could say was God.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually I was able to pray.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I ask you for joy, and you give me this.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the night came where I had the worst nightmare experience of them all.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up so terrified that I was frozen in fear and dug my face into Logan's shoulder, afraid of the evil I felt surrounding me and not wanting to open my eyes for fear of what shadows I would see again.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually I woke Logan up and had him turn on the lamp.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I laid there for hours in complete fear.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then I started to pray, asking for God's protection and rebuking the evil I felt through the name of Jesus.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's when something amazing happened.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: My entire body tingled from my head to my toe, like a numbing tingle.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I felt warm and almost like I was glowing, and that my hair on my head was standing up.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I felt peace.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And within minutes I fell asleep.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I had one more dream.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: A man who attacked me walked into the dream, which woke me up because I got scared.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I instantly felt that tingle again as a reminder that God was present, that he had me.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: I sought therapy, which led me to a beautiful journey of healing.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: The Lord used many things to speak to my heart and allow healing to happen.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: He used songs and biblical videos, his word and books and people, like my amazing husband, who was patient and gentle and loved me through that entire time.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was a slow process of pulling the layers back and learning forgiveness, forgiving many people, including myself and the man who raped me.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: At Matthew 18, Jesus tells a parable of the lost sheep, verses 10 through 14, see that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Verse 14.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it is not the will of my father.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: These verses reach the deepest wound I had.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: These people who hurt me, the man who raped me, the enemy used them to physically tell me I do not matter.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: My voice does not matter.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: But here in Matthew, Jesus is saying that I matter.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: He searched for me in the dark place where I was and he found me.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: He did not leave me there alone and he brought me back.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: After feeling God's love in such a deep way, I was changed and so thankful because I felt how deep God's love is willing to go and what wounds he is able to surround and heal.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: The enemy used a man to cause so much pain, but God's hands touched that wound and is turning that story to be used for good, to be used for others.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think at times we can look at something we are going through and think of it as the whole story, but in reality it's a chapter.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: And God is saying it's not done yet.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is more to be written.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one evening when I had to walk outside of my house at dark.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I just had to go to the end of my driveway and back into the house.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I was scared.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was vigilant and looking all around, and I felt tense.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I prayed.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And in that prayer, the Holy Spirit reminded me that God made the night.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: That amazing reminder brought me to the present.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It made me find calm and peace.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I sat outside for a long time to look at the stars and be amazed at the Lord's creation.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: In therapy, I was asked to make a trifold, left column where I was in the past, middle where I am now, and the right column where I want to be.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to draw pictures of things God was revealing to me.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: One of those was of roots.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: The middle picture of these roots was a blend of what was on the left side and what was on the right side.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: The roots of stress, vigilance, doubt, critic, and anxiety were dying off.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And new roots of acceptance, peace, love, new and joy were growing.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Joy.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: God heard my prayer and it answered in his way.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I was holding on to all these things of my life and trying not to lose balance.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: For if I were to move, something would topple over.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when I asked for joy, and God said, Here it is, he gently showed me, Amber, you seek joy, but you have to lay these things at my feet first.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: For you are carrying the things you aren't meant to hold.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me of 1 Peter 5.7, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Healing has given me life.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: It has also allowed me to see that I can trust God with everything.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: My life, my purpose, my relationships, my finances, my past, my future, my present.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I now try to pour out all that I have received to others, like my children and my husband.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: My husband is currently deployed.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: He left about a year ago.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: When he was faced trials we did not expect.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: It has been difficult with the separation, and we just wanting to give him a hug to show him that it will be okay.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn how to release him into God's hands, for I cannot protect him.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: He is God's son and he is in God's hands.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I learned to hand over the kids when I was going through my healing, but now it was time for me to learn to do that with my husband.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was also time for me to return the same gift that my husband gave me for a few years ago of loving and enduring alongside your spouse.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: He comes home soon.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I will finally be able to give him that hug.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot wait for that.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I also cannot wait to see our girls embrace him.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Trials continue to come, and the Lord continues to teach me, and I am in awe of how he works.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: He has continued to provide me with signs of his presence and allowed me to experience him in wondrous ways.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Such as recently, when I went through a trial, that he led me into greater discernment of his voice, discerning between his voice the enemies and the flesh.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Even more recently, he revealed that I still care too much about what others think.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that can alter my path.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: When I am pursuing God, but considering other people's thoughts above his command or calling.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have a great desire to know God on a deeper level and to grow in wisdom.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I want to understand his word, all of it.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I truly want to have an obedient heart.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: I wish all of these were easier to obtain, but he will continue to guide and lead me home.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: There are many things I have shared with you tonight, and I understand my story can be hard to hear.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: My story has more than one instance of some kind of abuse.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: It has trauma and spiritual warfare.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm here tonight not just to tell of those things.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am here to share with you my story about how God conquered, how he redeemed, how he loved, how he healed, and to share a story of hope.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Hope that comes with enduring.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: All of those things are not for me alone.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: They are accessible to all who call on his name.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: So in preparation for tonight, my prayer has been that each of you would be encouraged.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Encouraged that whatever battle or trial you are facing or will face, that you lean on the God who created you, and that if there are times without understanding or uncertainty of his presence, that you will continue to endure for he hasn't forgotten you or left you.
• 18:30
  unknown: Thank you.