Latest / Becoming / Glenn Lovelace: Why Men Must Heal to Lead

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Glenn Lovelace: Why Men Must Heal to Lead · Becoming

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  Speaker 1: How can the man start to regulate his emotions or
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  Speaker 1: even know what that even means?
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  Speaker 2: Just because you have all these feelings, you can still
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  Speaker 2: be a man and feel everything. And every guy's different. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and so, but in the gist of this, it's how
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  Speaker 2: can you guys get united around do we both want
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  Speaker 2: to make progress or not? And either you're going to
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  Speaker 2: learn and grow or you're going to learn and grow.
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  Speaker 2: But either way you're going to learn and grow.
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  Speaker 3: So you know, you don't have a choice.
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  Speaker 2: You don't have a choice.
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  Speaker 3: Choose your heard, right, choose your heart? So how do
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  Speaker 3: we wake up these men?
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  Speaker 1: All right, everybody, welcome back into the Fatherhood Movement Podcast.
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  Speaker 1: I'm your host, Bubba Page. I am so glad to
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  Speaker 1: have my guest Glenn Lovelace, who's been not only is
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  Speaker 1: a certified life coach, he's been working with men for
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  Speaker 1: a long time now. But you just finished your book
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  Speaker 1: Deil the Boy, Forge the Man. You got to help
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  Speaker 1: me out guys now, if you want to find him,
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  Speaker 1: it's Glenloveliss dot com. But you got to tell us
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  Speaker 1: about this book. I'm so excited about it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, this has been a journey in and of itself.
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  Speaker 2: I signed with the publisher. In September of twenty twenty
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  Speaker 2: two at a Unstoppable event in Arizona for women of
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  Speaker 2: All Things, and I was one of the VIP speakers
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  Speaker 2: and I met a publisher there who came up to me.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, being I used to have a big beard, right,
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  Speaker 2: so in a crowded room of galas, you kind of
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  Speaker 2: stick out a little bit. But she came up to
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  Speaker 2: me and she just said, Hey, I don't normally touch people,
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  Speaker 2: but I got to grab your heart. And she just
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  Speaker 2: put her hand on my heart and she's like, you
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  Speaker 2: have the biggest heart I can tell, and I just
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  Speaker 2: want to know what you do. And so I told
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  Speaker 2: her what I did and she's like, where have you been?
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  Speaker 2: This room needs guys like you. And so anyway, through
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  Speaker 2: the course of the weekend and the event, we sat
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  Speaker 2: down and talked and I ended up with her publishing house.
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  Speaker 2: And then I had a really bad accident a few
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  Speaker 2: months later that really just set the tone for the
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  Speaker 2: next couple of years. That's kind of where the book
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  Speaker 2: started in terms of actualizing. But before that, I would
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  Speaker 2: actually go back to probably twenty seventeen, where I had
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  Speaker 2: just come off of winning one hundred thousand dollars with
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  Speaker 2: bodybuilding dot Com and a transformation challenge, and I told
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  Speaker 2: everybody I was going to win. And mind you, I'm
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  Speaker 2: getting kind of into the story of the layers here quick,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: which is fun for podcasting, but there's sixty thousand people
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  Speaker 2: that do this contest. I get chosen as the overall winner,
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  Speaker 2: and I said through the whole thing like I'm winning.
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  Speaker 2: I'm winning, and my family and friends are looking at
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  Speaker 2: me like, oh my gosh, here goes going again being silly.
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  Speaker 2: But I was on the other side of this win
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  Speaker 2: and all the celebrations and the online attention was kind
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  Speaker 2: of dying down, and I was like, I had this
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  Speaker 2: thought like I guess that's the best thing I'm ever
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  Speaker 2: going to do. And I started to slip into and
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  Speaker 2: just kind of like, huh, I guess it's back to
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  Speaker 2: the normal grind. And I just didn't have that purpose
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  Speaker 2: pulling me forward again. And I was watching Tony Robbins,
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  Speaker 2: not your guru of all things, and he's coaching this
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  Speaker 2: couple in the video, and you got to know a
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  Speaker 2: little bit about me where I was pretty irreverent to
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  Speaker 2: life coaching and coaching. I just thought it was the
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  Speaker 2: silliest thing ever. And I love the movie Yes Man
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  Speaker 2: with Jim Carrey because it kind of makes fun of
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  Speaker 2: Tony Robbins in the movie, right, But I love the
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  Speaker 2: movie because it's like, hey, you got to say yes
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  Speaker 2: to life. When you say yes to life and people
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  Speaker 2: and things and new experiences, your wife will expand. So anyway,
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  Speaker 2: I'm watching this documentary, and you know, this kind of
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  Speaker 2: goes into pornography and addictions and all kinds of things.
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  Speaker 2: But I was overcoming pornography and I was using positive
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  Speaker 2: thinking when I was in my stormy moments, and I
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  Speaker 2: got to that place where I was like, oh my gosh,
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  Speaker 2: it's Tony Robbins on Netflix. This is the guy I
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  Speaker 2: do not want to watch. But something just pulled me
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  Speaker 2: into this documentary and I watch it, and Tony's coaching
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  Speaker 2: this couple, and in the couple, the dynamic is switched
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  Speaker 2: where the gal is more in her masculine energy, sees
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  Speaker 2: more in charge. She's this powerful, divine gal who's just
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  Speaker 2: kind of dominating this guy. And in this particular relationship,
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  Speaker 2: she reflected a lot of the same characteristics as his dad,
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  Speaker 2: and so you can kind of get into the parallels
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  Speaker 2: here in the thick of it, if you want to.
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  Speaker 2: But Tony said something in this little coaching session in
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  Speaker 2: the video where he's like, if you heal the boy,
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  Speaker 2: the man will emerge. And I was sitting there and
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  Speaker 2: it just punched me in the throat and God, the spirit,
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  Speaker 2: everything just connected all at once, and I was like,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know what that means, but that's what I
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  Speaker 2: got to do. That's what I got to do next.
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  Speaker 2: And so that's where the title comes from. Here we
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  Speaker 2: are twenty twenty six, So what is that eight nine
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  Speaker 2: years later? And there's something in writing that's pretty powerful.
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  Speaker 3: So, oh my gosh, I love that.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, look, I've been to Tony Robbins week long
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  Speaker 1: event and it was like half rave, half church is
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  Speaker 1: what I felt like. You know, you're jumping out of
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  Speaker 1: your seat and bouncing around and then you're having this
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  Speaker 1: like revelatory moment.
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  Speaker 2: You know.
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  Speaker 1: I do feel like he's fulfilling the measure of his creation.
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  Speaker 1: If I were to say something, Tony Robbins has made
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  Speaker 1: an impact on millions of lives, and I do appreciate
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  Speaker 1: a lot of what he teaches. It's fascinating when we
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  Speaker 1: dive deeper into our own healing. You know, you and
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  Speaker 1: I got to talk about this on our last call.
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  Speaker 1: And for those that are that are listening, if you
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  Speaker 1: didn't know, you know I've been through a divorce within
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  Speaker 1: the last.
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  Speaker 3: Couple of years. Everybody's going through something hard.
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  Speaker 1: Like you look down the street, your people watching, every
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  Speaker 1: human is going through something hard, whether it's something medically happening,
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  Speaker 1: or a financial disaster or relationship wise, or they're you know,
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  Speaker 1: going through a spiritual transformation or struggle, faith crisis, you
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  Speaker 1: can call it. And to me, this whole idea of
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  Speaker 1: digging deep and talking to my child, my inner child
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  Speaker 1: was woo woo, just like you said, right, it was
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  Speaker 1: absolute woo woo.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't believe in any of that stuff.
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  Speaker 1: I just didn't understand until I was at that depth
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  Speaker 1: and I had to. I was willing to try, and
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  Speaker 1: a friend of mine, Henry Amara, was able to walk
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  Speaker 1: me through this experience with internal family systems ifs, and
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  Speaker 1: I just love this process of speaking to your inner
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  Speaker 1: child and working through individual events that you can overcome
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  Speaker 1: and kind of heal. And to me, the healing process
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  Speaker 1: is like an onion. There's always layers like ogre used
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  Speaker 1: to what is the Shrek movie calls it.
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  Speaker 3: So, so walk me through this.
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  Speaker 1: So you've you feel inspired, you hear these words from
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  Speaker 1: Tony Robbins, you start down this path of healing, like
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  Speaker 1: what was it that got you.
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  Speaker 3: To look inward? Whereas most men that I.
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  Speaker 1: Talked to we just shoved down our feelings and I
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  Speaker 1: did that for forty years, So like, how did you
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  Speaker 1: get you from shoving down your feelings and just going
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  Speaker 1: back to work and digging in deep?
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  Speaker 2: I think I think it starts with just the awareness
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  Speaker 2: or the possibility that this might be a thing. So
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  Speaker 2: you take things in scripture or things in nature like
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  Speaker 2: planting a seed. Right, you're like, okay, this is something
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  Speaker 2: very basic and small, but it pierced my heart to
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  Speaker 2: a point where it's undeniable. This is what's calling me forward.
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  Speaker 2: And then you just view life through a different lens
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  Speaker 2: moving forward. And so obviously you know you're going to
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  Speaker 2: be missing tools, you're going to be missing awarenesses, you're
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  Speaker 2: going to be missing a willingness to go through the
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  Speaker 2: uncomfortable feelings of it all as you process it. And
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  Speaker 2: so much like anything else, it's just like, Okay, what
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  Speaker 2: am I going to be looking for? And with human behavior,
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  Speaker 2: it's all about what are you looking for? If you're
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  Speaker 2: looking for the challenging moments, if you're looking for how
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  Speaker 2: your spouse is annoying you, you're going to find more
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  Speaker 2: of those annoyances. And so I think for me, the
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  Speaker 2: shift just became like an invitation to start looking for
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  Speaker 2: where the healing journey needed to happen, trying to get
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  Speaker 2: to know myself on a level of why am I
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  Speaker 2: the way I am? And then honestly letting God and
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  Speaker 2: my wife and just all the positive things in my
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  Speaker 2: life start to direct that moving forward. I don't know
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  Speaker 2: if that answers the question completely, but it's a start
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  Speaker 2: to it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know it is, And if I can, I
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  Speaker 1: want to touch upon you know, some people call them triggers.
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  Speaker 1: It's when I believe we're getting a message from heaven.
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  Speaker 1: You can call it spiritual or not, but a message
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  Speaker 1: that's something needs to be healed within us. So if
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  Speaker 1: somebody says something, does something and it gets you all
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  Speaker 1: tightened up inside and your fight flight freeze fawn type
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  Speaker 1: of scenario, it feels like there's a message telling you,
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  Speaker 1: whatever just happened, there's something inside that needs to be healed,
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  Speaker 1: and so having the self awareness that there's you can
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  Speaker 1: see those things come, you can feel the.
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  Speaker 3: Tenseness that arrives with a trigger.
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  Speaker 1: And being able to respond versus react is again something
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  Speaker 1: I didn't even know was possible. I didn't even know
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  Speaker 1: what to look for, which is why I feel like
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  Speaker 1: talking about it all the time online because I just
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  Speaker 1: I wish I would have known five years ago, ten
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  Speaker 1: years ago. I want to teach my kids so that
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  Speaker 1: they can know now how to handle their own emotions
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  Speaker 1: in a healthy way of processing and not pushing them down.
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  Speaker 1: So talk to us now of like, yeah, you were
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  Speaker 1: writing this book, you're specifically talking to the man, but
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  Speaker 1: it sounds like you always had the woman's, the spouse's,
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  Speaker 1: you know, the spouse in mind.
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  Speaker 3: So how do you see that when you're working with
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  Speaker 3: a guy.
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  Speaker 1: Let's say, if you're coaching a guy but you're you
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  Speaker 1: know that they're married or they're trying to.
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  Speaker 3: Find someone, how do you help that spouse.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So the correlation, the connection with the community with
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  Speaker 2: gals and women came when in twenty sixteen, seventeen ish,
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  Speaker 2: my wife became familiar with Jody Moore, who's a life
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  Speaker 2: coach who coaches with LDS values, and she was certified
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  Speaker 2: through the Life Coach School, and my wife would send
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  Speaker 2: me these clips in these podcasts, and I was like,
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  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, like I'm not really crying about how
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  Speaker 2: I treat my kids, like that's not the priority. But
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  Speaker 2: I wasn't. I was missing the mark a little bit
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  Speaker 2: on this. And so she sent me these clips for years,
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  Speaker 2: and she was herself making progress and making changes. I
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  Speaker 2: mean one example is, you know, my wife and my
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  Speaker 2: mom and myself too, we kind of had this argument
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  Speaker 2: snafo that came and went for a couple of years,
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  Speaker 2: and you know we've since grown through that and seen
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  Speaker 2: in his opportunities. But in twenty nineteen, my wife and
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  Speaker 2: her cousin just said Glenn, like, you need to go
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  Speaker 2: through the Life Coach School. You're doing all this coaching,
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  Speaker 2: you're doing business and mindset and health coaching, but I
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  Speaker 2: really think you should do this. And you know, I
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  Speaker 2: did happen to listen on this moment. I got enrolled
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  Speaker 2: in the Life Coach School program. And like a lot
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  Speaker 2: of these programs, you think you're going in for one
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  Speaker 2: thing and then it ends up being personal development for
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  Speaker 2: yourself all the way to it, which is a good thing.
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  Speaker 2: But this community Bubba is like ninety nine percent women,
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  Speaker 2: and so I go in there with a lens of Wow,
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  Speaker 2: these gals are successful. They're creating success in a way
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  Speaker 2: that I want to and on a level that I
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  Speaker 2: want to. I mean, we're talking seven eight figures most
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  Speaker 2: of a lot of these coaches, right, And so I
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  Speaker 2: admired them and looked up to them, and I wanted
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  Speaker 2: to reverse the engineer. What are they doing and how
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  Speaker 2: are they doing it? And what it ended up happening
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  Speaker 2: is I gained a whole set of tools to not
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  Speaker 2: only share with others, but then I had to start
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  Speaker 2: using those tools in my life. And it created so
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  Speaker 2: much awareness around these emotions. So in my own practice,
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  Speaker 2: I've tried to encourage men to be like, hey, the
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  Speaker 2: emotions are actually the adventure. The emotions are the lights
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  Speaker 2: on the dashboard. So whatever the analogy is that men
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  Speaker 2: will understand. It's like, hey, the oil is low, you
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  Speaker 2: need to check it and change the oil. And it's like, well,
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  Speaker 2: that's obvious. And so for you and me, it's like
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  Speaker 2: anytime you have emotions that are creating the fight, flight,
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  Speaker 2: fond floodedness, that's the light on the dashboard. And so
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  Speaker 2: as I got into this community, I started seeing a
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  Speaker 2: huge need that most of these women were giving terrible
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  Speaker 2: ultimatoms like Hey, I need you to get therapy or
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to divorce you. And the reality was these
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  Speaker 2: gals and that's kind of a general example of hey,
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  Speaker 2: you do this or else the hammer is going to drop.
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  Speaker 2: And the problem, Bubba, with these ultimatums is if you
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  Speaker 2: don't like the consequence. These gals were setting themselves up
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  Speaker 2: to either deny their integrity with themselves because it's like, hey,
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  Speaker 2: do this or else I'm going to leave and separate,
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  Speaker 2: and then the man wouldn't change quick enough, and then
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  Speaker 2: she would either have to settle back into this uncomfortable
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  Speaker 2: dynamic that put her out of alignment, and then she
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  Speaker 2: would just distract herself with her kids, or her business
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: or her other things. All the while the disconnects still
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  Speaker 2: growing and growing and growing in the relationship. And so
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  Speaker 2: I came into this community to learn how to make
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  Speaker 2: more money and help more people, and then I discovered
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  Speaker 2: a whole other layer to issues. And I'll be honest, Bubba,
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  Speaker 2: I would way rather talk, you know, six pack abs
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  Speaker 2: and how to make more money than to go in
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  Speaker 2: and target men who don't know they have an issue
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  Speaker 2: in their marriage yet. And again that was the thing
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  Speaker 2: where it's like it was so undeniable, and the more
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  Speaker 2: I resisted and denied it, it was like, what are
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  Speaker 2: you doing? This is this is where you're supposed to be.
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  Speaker 2: And so that's how I got involved in that community
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  Speaker 2: with Hey, gals, let's let's help your husband speak the
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  Speaker 2: same language. Let's help your husband use these tools, because
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  Speaker 2: not only will it help them in his success in
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  Speaker 2: his career and the things in providing for the home,
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  Speaker 2: but I'll also deepen the relationships at home and with
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  Speaker 2: God if that's important to them.
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  Speaker 1: So here's the thing I've noticed a lot, you know,
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  Speaker 1: when I produce content that's surrounding healing in this type
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  Speaker 1: of concept, unless it's tied to a financial outcome, men
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  Speaker 1: have a really hard time visualizing what it is and
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: why and so, which I understand.
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  Speaker 3: Because that was me too.
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  Speaker 1: And it's really easy to pay for a business retreat
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  Speaker 1: and go and learn business tactic strategies for a course,
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  Speaker 1: do whatever, right, But when it comes to like getting
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: in touch with your feelings and your emotions, and maybe
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  Speaker 1: healing some of the childhood wounding or big.
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  Speaker 3: Tea, little tea traumas that you've been through.
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  Speaker 1: Most men are not seeing that, they don't recognize it
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  Speaker 1: in themselves.
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  Speaker 3: The self awareness is not there.
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  Speaker 1: And to me, that's the number one like being self aware,
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  Speaker 1: to know that every human out there has got issues
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  Speaker 1: that we need to work on. And no, we're not
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: putting fingers and blaming parents. That's that's not the whole.
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  Speaker 1: That's not the goal at all. They did the best
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  Speaker 1: they could with what they had and I am grateful,
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  Speaker 1: you know, and love my parents for everything they did.
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  Speaker 1: And yet I still need to work through some childhood things.
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  Speaker 1: And so it's you know, I recognize it, I appreciate it.
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  Speaker 1: So how do we wake up these men? This is
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: literally one of the reasons why I felt compelled to
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: start Fatherhood Movement dot com.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah is.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: I wanted to have fatherhood retreats, you know, daddy, daughter,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: father son. I wanted to even host these women's retreats.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: I wanted to have biweekly coaching calls. I wanted to
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: incorporate healing as a more normal scenario to be in
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: touch with you know what a trigger does to us
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  Speaker 1: Are we getting defensive?
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  Speaker 3: Are we getting are we?
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  Speaker 1: Are we looking at it and taking things personally when
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  Speaker 1: we're attacked?
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  Speaker 2: So how do we wake up these men? Well, you
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: bridge it's the process. You always bridge it to their language.
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  Speaker 2: So if a man is more focused on take business, finances, career,
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  Speaker 2: and he's willing to fail there, but he's not willing
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  Speaker 2: to fail at home, then a simple way to model
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  Speaker 2: this or to bridge it is to make a comparison.
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  Speaker 2: So a really easy one for me is I'm married
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  Speaker 2: to a gal who's extremely dynamic, elevated, passionate, And what
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  Speaker 2: I mean by that is I'm inadequate to handle her
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  Speaker 2: feelings on the level that she gives them to me.
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  Speaker 2: We've been married twenty two years and now it as
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  Speaker 2: a beautiful thing. But I was trying to force change
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  Speaker 2: her for a lot of years. Don't yell, don't be angry.
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  Speaker 2: I had a lot of judgment towards anger. We can
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  Speaker 2: go into that. But to come back to your question,
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  Speaker 2: how do we help men be more willing to feel
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  Speaker 2: the failure at home, for example, or to feel the
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  Speaker 2: shame of letting people down. I don't think we want
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  Speaker 2: to let our spouse and our kids down, but we
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  Speaker 2: build a bridge. So we build a bridge from where
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  Speaker 2: they're at to the uncomfortable thing that they're avoiding, suppressing, resisting,
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: reacting to. So a really easy one for men to grasp,
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: especially if they're gym goers, is we love to fail
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: in the gym. Failing in the gym means we are
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: giving it everything we have, whether it's running the mile
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: in a certain time and falling short, or a silly
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: bench press goal, or whatever the thing is. And so
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: in order to create results in the gym, we need
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: to have a gym bag, meaning different supplements, different recovery protocols,
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: whatever the case is. But we love progress in the gym,
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: and so all we have to do is bridge bubba
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: the change of thinking. So like with my wife and
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: these arguments, I would avoid them. I would use the
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: four horsemen from John Gottman, right, I would do all
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: the things wrong because I didn't like the way it
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: made me feel that we were arguing, that she was yelling,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: and then I had all those horses coming in to
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: create contention. But the minute I saw this argument as
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: an opportunity for growth for the relationship, and the minute
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: I started acquiring tools for my little gym bag for
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: my relationship bag. Now, all of a sudden, in the
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: middle of the heat, when I would normally walk away
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: or react or get defensive or get critical or do
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: all the behaviors that a boy would do, I started
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: leaning in and being more open to Hey, let's see
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: what happens if I pull this lever a little bit differently.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: And it's not so that I can make her happy.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: That's a key thing here. Men want to take the
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: path of least resistance with their wife, and that's part
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: of the problem, right is we just want her to,
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: you know, be quiet. I'm trying to use you know,
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: kind words here. We want them to stop yapping, and
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: that's that's not the correct way to think it. We
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: want to receive and be open to her thoughts and
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: her feelings. But if we're making it mean all these things,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: it's going to be really hard to get that message
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: through because we're taking it so personally where we don't
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: like the way it makes us feel that we're failing her,
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: and so we lose ourselves in the process of this
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: because we're trying to appease her rather than show up
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: as a man. The challenge is we just don't know
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: how to be a man in this dynamic yet because
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: we've never been married and forty four with all these
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: kids and this and this and this, so there's a
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: lot of things that are putting pressure on this. So yeah,
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: the thoughts, Yeah, you're.
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: Hitting so many pieces.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: So you know, when men take things personally, so their
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: wife is giving them some constructive criticism or feedback, and
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: it maybe doesn't sound like that.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: It probably sounds like an attack at least is how
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: a man might take it. Right. It's interesting.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: There's obviously better ways we can all approach things, but
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: when it happens in the heat of the moment, what
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: does the man do? And most are gonna either shut
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: down just not say a word. Some we're going to
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: walk away, right, And it's I want to talk about
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: this because being able to be regulated in your emotions.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I was I was taught that the feminine dynamic is
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: more like a moving water, a motion ocean like water.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's calm like a pond, or or it could
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: be raging thunderstorm. And and that's exactly how the feminine
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: it is and was created and it's a beautiful gift.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: And the man needs to be in more of a
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: masculine container. And so maybe it's a bowl that's been
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: shaped out of stone or solid wood, and it can
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: hold space for that water no matter what the water's doing,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: whether it's calm or raging thunderstorm, and holding space for
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: that emotion is an incredibly hard thing to do if you.
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: Haven't found how to regulate your own emotion.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: So I know that I'm guilty of feeling defensive and
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: taking things personally and maybe it felt like a dagger,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: you know, stabbing me whatever was being said and either
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: shutting down or walking away, or you know, just trying
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: to appease and be the nice guy. I was creating
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: a version of myself that wasn't authentic. And I didn't
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: even know what the word boundaries meant. I didn't understand
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: how to create healthy boundaries within a relationship. And these
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: are pieces that ended up becoming a detriment. Right, So
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: walk us through, because as I've been trying to learn
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: on my own and through healing and retreats and therapy
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: and coaches, I feel like I'm gaining a better understanding
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: and knowledge. I'm able to, you know, regulate my emotions
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: one hundred times better than it was before. I can
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: be self aware when a trigger comes now and realize, okay,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I'm going to breathe through this, give it ninety seconds.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Typically emotions leave after ninety seconds anyway, and then I
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: can respond.
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: And if I have to respond.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: In a way where I write something down or I
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: text something but I don't send it, that gets my
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: initial reaction out. But then I'm able to come back
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: with a much healthier mindset and realize what's most important.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: And that's I think has allowed for a much better relationship.
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: So talk to us.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: How can this man who's listening, or his spouse is
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: listening and she just warded this to him, How can
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: the man start to regulate his emotions or even know
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: what that even means when his spouse comes with maybe
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: more emotion than he was prepared for and he's not
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: used to holding that container.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so you said earlier, most of my audience's gals.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: How do we help the gals help their husbands? And
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: it can start off with, Hey, I listened to this episode.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: There's some things I like in it, but I'd love
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: you to listen to it and let's just talk about
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: it later to make it a date night, make it
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: a walk, but be intentional about it. And you gals
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: go in with an open slate and realize that, hey,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: this takes time. When you've been married for a certain
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: amount of years, you have very specific patterns and responses
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: that are almost on automation. And you know, you gals
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: are very much a part of the equation, and I
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: know you're working on things. And the goal here is
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: to make progress with him, and part of it is
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: is creating and expanding his awareness around Hey, just because
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: you have all these feelings, you can still be a
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: man and feel everything. However, it is going to look
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: different for most men. And what's happening right now is
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: a lot of men are going to these gal coaches
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: and being taught how to process emotions in their feminine
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: and then it's creating different outliers dynamics. Yeah, guy's different, Yeah,
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: and so, But in the gist of this, it's how
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: can you guys get united around do we both want
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: to make progress or not? We are we trying to
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: get on the same team. Take pornography, for example, do
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: we want to attack the problem or do we want
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: to attack the men and his habits and responses to
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: overwhelm and all the stuff, And as soon as you
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: can help him feel safe and it's not really your
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: job to help him feel safe, that's kind of a
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: little trick there, But as soon as you can help
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: him feel safe in his own emotions and realizing that, hey,
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: the emotions are the adventure. Most guys love adrenaline, We
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: love that feeling of being in control on the level
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: of not being in control, and all we have to
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: do is get comfortable that, hey, the emotions are the
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: fun part. When it comes to very specific tools and resources,
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: I love John Gottman. In my culture and religion, it's
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: taught that contention is of the devil, like anger shouldn't
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: be allowed or permitted, or angers of the devil or whatever.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: The thing is right, And what I've had to do
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: is make space for anger, but make requests and boundaries
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: around what clean anger looks like. So if you're looking
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: for a very hands on way to create requests with
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: boundaries and consequences, you've got to remember that boundaries are
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: meant and intended to control yourself, not your partner. If
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: you're using boundaries to try to control other people, be
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: watching for that. But that's going to be your first
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: queue that we can't control anybody else, but these boundaries
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: can control us. So if I'm in a heated discussion,
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: and this has been the years in the works, bubb
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: but this isn't something Glenn is perfected. I mean, even
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: right now, like my wife and I were in the
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: communicating of unwinding some stuff, and it's from my seat.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I'm doing a phenomenal job of being that bowl and
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: that container to let her slash and I'm trying to
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: be consistent and trustworthy in allowing her to have those
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: a feelings without having all my responses. But the four
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: responses come back to John Gottman's four horsemen. Are you stonewelling?
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: Meaning are you walking away and getting quiet? It's okay
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: to walk away, but you need to say, hey, I'll
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: be back in twenty minutes or I'll text you in
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: twenty minutes or two hours or two days, whatever the
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: timeline is. But you can't just leave without communicating. The
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: second one, as you know, is stone being defensive. You know,
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: I think in heated discussions, we get some criticism and
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: we instantly go into explaining and being defensive, and then
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: we tend to get critical right back. And so we've
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: been holding all these arrows and not communicating our feelings,
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: and then as soon as our wife shares hers, we
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: pull all of ours out, and it just becomes like,
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: why aren't we maintaining these discussions more regularly? The fourth
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: one is contempt, right, and this one's kind of that sarcastic, mean, irreverent,
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: like if my wife says you're always doing this, and
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: then I'm like, you're really doing this, like like that's
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: that irreverent contempt that he's talking about, and so bob.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: But to answer your question specifically with this one tool
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: is I had to start looking for those four horses
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: in my own anger, and then I had to start
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: owning them and creating a container within like my masculinity
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: of saying, hey, I'm I'm not going to name call,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: and if I do, I'm going to apologize and acknowledge
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: it really quickly, like hey, I said this, I'm sorry,
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: that's not my intention. It came out, Let me own it,
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: and then we get back into the thing. Same thing
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: with being defensive or critical or anything is for these
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: men and gals too, is to lead by example, where
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: it's like, hey, I'm acknowledging these four horses, and I'm
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: owning them in the heat of the moment or as
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: soon as I possibly can. And then I'm trying to
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: be really clear and concise on what is it that
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: I'm actually feeling. And men who are new to this man,
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: we're feeling all over the place, and it is total
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: flood right, Like we don't even have the vernacular or
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: the vocabulary to put two or three emotions to it
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: because we're so washed out and flooded. And so this
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: is something that you know, you need to have some
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: foundational tools. The only way to do those is pick
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: them up and start practicing with them, and then have
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: some follow up after these discussions with each other and
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: be like, what went good? Yeah, Like when my wife
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: makes simple changes, I'm like, you have no idea the
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: impact that those two or three little words. It totally
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: softened me. And I really appreciate you making these changes
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: based on my request. I probably you know, I love it,
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: but I'm giving you lots of things to you know,
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: choose and pick.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, I want to I want to hit
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: on the topic you brought up to about boundaries, because
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: you know, let's say you are in that heated discussion
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: and somebody does start to raise their voice. Being able
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: to set a boundary that is only you can't change
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: anyone else. So hey, I'm going to walk away if
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: the voice gets if your voice gets elevated, and I
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: will come back in twenty minutes, or you can text
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: me when you're ready. Now, help us to understand other
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: boundaries that are healthy within within a relationship, because I
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: look at this as the repair is what's so incredibly valuable,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: and so many of us or in relationships where the
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: attacks happen and then there is no repair. There's a rupture.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: Your wound is gaping open, and the nerve endings are
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: so sensitive to the touch that if it ever gets
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: brushed by again, it can be on high alert. And
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: so being able to heal with true repair is I
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: think one of the deepest ways of connection. And I
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: recognize that it's not the easiest thing to do, and
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: it does take a lot of practice. So talk to
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: us about boundaries right now, because I think obviously there's
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: a book on it.
• 30:34
  Speaker 3: You can go find boundaries.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you approve or think that's a
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: good book or not, but there's even another version that's
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: just boundaries in marriage.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: So talk to us about boundaries.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: And how can especially as guys, understand how to create
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: healthy boundaries, not manipulative, not controlling boundaries, but healthy boundaries.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: So with boundaries is when something comes up and I
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: don't like the way someone else is treating me, what
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: am I going to do about it? Okay? This boundary
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: can be communicated or not. You don't have to tell
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: the person what the consequence is, okay. And I think
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: a boundary is kind of a whole other level of
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: trying to create a different outcome. And I like the
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: word requests and consequences because it softens it a little bit.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: And so, in the heat of the context of this
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: conversation where we're having these healing conversations hopefully, and the
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: pattern generally is to sweep things under the rug because
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: we don't like the way it feels to try to
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: repair it takes a lot to repair little things. And
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: when you're in a pattern of potentially a couple of
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: decades here, those nerve endings, Yeah, like you said, they
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: just need to be tickled, and all of a sudden
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: you're into a vendor for a few hours or a
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: few days or whatever the case is. And so couples
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: who are avoiding it tend to say, well, let's just
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: agree to disagree, and then they move on, and it's like, well,
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: you've just created a wedge in that relationship that's still
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: being nurtured and fed. So when it comes to boundaries,
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, there's some I like to use boundaries on
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: myself more than anyone else. And then when I like to,
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: sometimes I'll communicate, hey, these are my rules for engagement.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: What I mean by that, these are my rules for arguing,
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: And I've literally shared them with my wife and then
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: I have her point them out. We've had to work
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: through that, but it's like, hey, I don't want to swear,
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: I don't want a name call. I don't want to
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: raise my voice. The challenge is is for me to
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: try to control her elevation is not good. It makes
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: her feel like she's choking, which is the last thing
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: that I need her to feel if I'm trying to
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: hear and understand her. So I've had to change my
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: response and reaction to her elevated emotions in point, trying
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: to create a bigger container where I'm not taking it.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: So personally, I'm not taking her elevated emotions personally, and
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: I'm listening for the true, authentic words and bubba, this
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: is a powerful thought. But I used to think, man,
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: my wife is so angry, she's so disrespectful, like she
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: doesn't care. And what I have done is I've changed
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: her elevated emotions in my thought response as wow, she's
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: fighting for our relationship. And it took me years to
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: really get concreted with that. But this woman cares way
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: more than anyone I ever know about this relationship that
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: she's in with me because we're fighting all the time,
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: is what I thought. And she is letting me know
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: the stonehard cold truth and part of my story that
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: I haven't shared with you. But in twenty thirteen, got
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: in an argument we were in Arizona, and I ended
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: up with a gun in my hand, bubbah, like I
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: was raising it up and ready to go through with
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: the whole thing. Obviously, I'm still here, but in part
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: of my healing process with this, all the really hard
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: truth was I wanted to hurt this woman by hurting
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: myself because of all the pain that I thought she
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: was inflicting on me. But the reality was I was
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: basically punching myself in the face because I was resisting
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: and I was trying to force her to change her feelings,
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: and I didn't have that container for her to be mad.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: And so now what I can do, coming back to
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: your question, is if she breaks my requests of hey,
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: you're a name calling or you're saying always and never
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: and you know that's not contextually true. And so what
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: I try to do is calmly just pointed out when
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: there's a space for the thing and say, hey, I
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: think you're exaggerating right here, but tell me what you're
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: really thinking. And then she'll she'll acknowledge it and she'll apologize.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: But I have to anchor on hey, before I can
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: move forward, I need you to acknowledge that I'm not
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: always da da da da da. And as soon as
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: she can make a little room there, then I can
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: kind of do the dance back. And it's this give
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: and go constantly, And so how do we get there?
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: It's getting in touch with your feelings when you're in
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: the argument. What makes you mad, like, what makes you
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: pull back? What makes you annoyed? What's the behavior, what's
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: the thing, and are you misperceiving her or is what
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: she's actually doing, breaking a potential to have a request
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: or a boundary in there so that you can do
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: this dance more efficiently. So coming back to this, it's
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: doing the workouts as much as you can. Like you
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: don't go to the gym and workout once a week
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: or once a year. It's like, hey, every time we
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: go to the gym, we're going to follow these protocols.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: Every time we step into a healing conversation, we need
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: to have some rules. And I call it, you know,
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: tribal language, where it's like, hey, Amber, what are the
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: rules you want to use when we're arguing so that
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: we can hold each other in the bowling lane and
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: have these bumpers up, and if someone needs to go
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: off on a tangent, let them get it out and
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: then let's bring it back and really get to the message.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: But it's this learning to acquire and making shifts and
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: small changes along the way. And the last thing I'll
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: say on this bubble the really big challenges. Life is
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: constantly changing and evolving, and that's going to challenge these
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: rules of engagement always. So you imagine losing a child
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: or a parent, or losing a job or having a
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: huge accident like I did, and now everything that was
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: working is no longer working, like you have to go
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: back to those tools and start using them in rebuilding.
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: And so it's constant change.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: It's fascinating because you know, anybody who's listening, they've they've
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: felt some of these struggles before. If you've been in
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: a relationship for any significant time, there's been you know,
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: a marriage is not you know, corns and rainbows that
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: we talked about, right, it's but it can be beautiful
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: and joyful and blissful in its own right.
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: But there are there has to.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: Be in my in my opinion, this is part of
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: God's plan that the person who knows you the best,
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: which should be your spouse, the person who knows you
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: the most, is going to know exactly where to touch
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: you that hurts the most to and what to say
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: that's going to hurt the most. And it's not that
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: they're trying to do it on purpose, per se, but
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: it's something that if we can understand that. I personally
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: believe that these relationships are what helps us to become
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: more like the person we're meant to become. And in
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: this life, we only have so much time here on
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: the earth, that that partner can really trigger some of
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: those deepest levels of emotion and help you to understand
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: what you need to heal by feeling those things.
• 38:05
  Speaker 3: And so that is a perspective I didn't have in
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: the past.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: And knowing that a spouse can bring that level of
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: call it pain or suffering with it. I'm not saying
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: that this marriage is all about that, but that that
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: person will help you to become who you need. And
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: it may not sound that way when it's coming out,
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: but the reframing, reframing your mindset of Okay, this person
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: may tell me things that are going to hurt more
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: than anything. So let me take that with some curiosity.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: And you know, when some of those things are being said,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: can I get curious to understand? Tell me more about
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: how you're feeling about this, you know, taking my ownership
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: and part of whatever that thing is. I apologize for
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: any hurt or apologize for us, but tell me more,
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: you know what other things can I understand? Instead of
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: cutting someone off and preparing what you're going to say,
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: so you can be defensive in you know, making a
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: legal bat not legal official legal, but like a.
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: Attorney attorney type battle.
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: I just feel like that mindset and shifting it to
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: like you call it a healing conversation, a healing conversation
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: or conversation and truthfull. Yeah, I mean even if you
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: just come to the conversation with hey, can we have
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: a healing or hey, can we have a truthful conversation?
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: Are you in a place where I can have a
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: truthful conversation with you?
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: I think even prefacing it with that.
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: Another thing that I love to hear is when someone
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: comes a conversation says, look, I'm going to tell you
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: something that I you know as truth truthful in my mind,
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying to hurt because I love you too
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: much for that and my love for you is more
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: important than any argument we're having. But are you in
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: a place that I can have a harder discussion with you?
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: And if that person is not in a frame of
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: mind to have it at that exact moment, to recognize it,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: being self aware and be like, you know what, Actually,
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: I haven't gotten enough sleep in the last couple of days.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: I'm already on edge. Something at work just happened. I
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: want to have this conversation. Can we do it on
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: this day? And this time, like, don't walk away from
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: it and never have.
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: It, because that's that's not good. But I think if
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: we preface the conversation, if we can, if.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: Both parties are regulating their emotions enough to be able
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: to come to the conversation and be open and vulnerable,
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: I think that those conversations can start off on the
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: right foot and that the person can hear with listening
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: years rather than defensive years.
• 40:55
  Speaker 3: I'm ready to attack whenever that.
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: You know, when you bring personality types with I can
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: hear all the anxious people being like you're gonna make
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: me wait till Tuesday at seven, like we need to
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: do this now, and then all the avoidance are like,
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: well how about next Tuesday in June? Like, and then
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: when you're aware of those attachment styles and stuff, and
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: there's again another tool and another resource to be like
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: who am I and how do I respond? Coming back
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: to your point about being curious, like, hey, I need
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: to be curious about who I am and why I respond,
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: why these things trigger me? And then when we take
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: you know, thoughts like Tony Robbins where it's like are
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: they triggering me or are they encouraging me to change? Yeah,
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: for sure. I mean, is this happening for me? Right?
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: Tony even said something it was fascinating.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: He said, no one can trigger us because that same
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: thing that was said that triggered me could be said
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: to somebody else and it doesn't have any effect at all.
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: So technically we trigger ourselves based on our our history
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: and our experiences and all this stuff.
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: So and then the other quote, you're probably going to
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: bring it up.
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: He says, life doesn't happen to us, life happens for us.
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: And I just love these concepts of we are here
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: to grow and to learn and to be stretched and
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: to be put out of our comfort zone. And when
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: we if someone goes out of integrity, it's their job
• 42:26
  Speaker 3: to own up to that, you know, accountability, and to
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: apologize for whatever that thing was so that we can
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: get back on track. And no one's perfect, we're all human,
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: but that accountability is so big. I just here's one question.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: Though.
• 42:42
  Speaker 3: Some people are going to say, like, look.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: I've been I've been vulnerable, I've expressed feelings, but the
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: other person won't be. They stone wall, they put you know,
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: they guard themselves. They keep people at arm's length, like
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: and we can't change the other person. And so if
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: a spouse is city here saying I'm doing all the work,
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: I'm healing, I'm getting vulnerable, I'm having these tough conversations,
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: but the other spouse won't budge.
• 43:10
  Speaker 3: What would you tell them?
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: It comes back to asking more questions, unfortunately, and so
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: there are relationships where the growth is almost completely dead
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: or stagnant, and then, unfortunately, if you're in that spot,
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: you either need to accept that this is how it's
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: going to be and make peace with it, or make
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: a choice to willingly continue to disrupt it. So you
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: could call it conditional love, but conditional love doesn't mean
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: that you stay with this person. I'm all about marriage
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: and trying to figure it out. I've had many clients
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: ready to get divorces, and I've encouraged them to stay
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: so that they can at the end of this learn
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: all that they need to learn, draw everything they can
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: on the relationship, because once the heat of the battle's gone,
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: the heat of the battle's dynamic is just going to change.
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: You're You're just you think you're going to get relief
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: with separation or divorce, but it actually just increases the circumstances.
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: Like you've got all these new things to work through
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: as a couple, and if you're raising kids together, you
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: still have all the challenges. And so if it is
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: up to you to stay, the challenges is with these men,
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: I've set them up with the attitude of well, you
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: can stay and make changes and really have an impact.
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: And either you're going to learn and grow or you're
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: going to learn and grow. But either way you're going
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: to learn and grow.
• 44:38
  Speaker 3: So you don't have a choice.
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: You don't have a choice.
• 44:43
  Speaker 3: Choose your hard right varied?
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, it's it's the dog on the nail. Have
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: you heard that story? No, So there's this man walking
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: through a town and he hears this animal and pain.
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: As he's walking through, he realizes there's an old man
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: and a dog sitting on the porch and he's like, man,
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: this dog, Like why doesn't this guy help his dog?
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: He gets closer and he's like, man, what's wrong with
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: your dog? He's like, well, he's sitting on a nail.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: And of course I'm a guy. So the nail is
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: in the testicle, right, like the most painful spot this
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: nail could be for the dog. I'm like, that's probably
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: what he's sitting on right, and he's like, well, he's
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: sitting on a nail, Like why don't why don't you
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: help him? And he's like, well, it's up to the dog.
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: He's got to decide. It's he's in pain because he's
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: staying there and it's going to be painful to get
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: up and get moving. And so I feel like many
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: of these relationships get in that same path where it
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: hurts to go do the work, it hurts to face
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: all your feelings, but again it hurts to stay right
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: where you're at too. And so one of my favorite
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: I'm talking to Tony today for some reason, but he
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: says progress is happiness. I hijacked his quote and said
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: progress creates happiness. I really believe that we are the
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: creators of our paradigm. What we look for, what we
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: intentionally create, we will make. And when we're making progress,
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: we can hang our hats on that. So, for you
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: gals or guys who feel like you're the one in
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: the pressing the situation, what are some metrics that you
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: can start tracking that would give you the idea that
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: you're progressing in the relationship. Maybe it's just you and
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: how you're handling different situations guess what if you still
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: end up divorced. You're going to go with all those
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: new awarenesses, tools and confidence knowing you gave one hundred
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: and ten percent to this thing until the other person
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: throw in the towel. And the other optimism side of
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: this is what if this really does inspire change in
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: your spouse. You have to be the change. You have
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: to inspire your spouse by the change, and then you
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: have to constantly be inviting them to come along with you,
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: whether that's through a book or a podcast or a
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: couple's retreat. But you can't hold back. You got to
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: go full throttle whatever that means to you in your
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: own development. And eventually the scary thing is that void
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: bubb it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I use
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: the analogy that the women I'm talking to are deep
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: sea diving. They're swimming with sharks and dolphins and living
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: this adventurous life. Emotionally, they look for their husband because
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: they want him to be a part of it, and
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: they can't find him. He's not in the boat, he's
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: not in the water. They pulled their binoculars and he's
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: all the way on the beach. He's got his toes
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: in the sand where he's really comfortably emotionally. And so
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: you know, sometimes these men are feeling the disconnect too,
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: They're feeling left behind. They're almost resenting you for all
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: the progress. Part of them is grateful for it because
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: their life is improved because these gals are getting better,
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: But then they feel left behind because you're obviously living
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: on another level and they want that to They just
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: don't know how to get started. And so podcasts like
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: yours are just basically introducing men like pick a spot,
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: pick up some tools, let's start slinging hammers and getting
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: to work. And the emotions really are the fun part.
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: If you can make peace with that and stop resisting
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: and avoiding and reacting to your emotions, you can actually
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: embrace them, and you can use these tools in your business.
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: You can use these tools indeed guaranteed.
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: Now you know that's and that's one thing that might
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: be helpful for us.
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: As we wrap up, you're like for those that are listening, like,
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: as you start to heal, heal the inner person, be
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: able to create a better relationship at home, it's only
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: going to make your business better, it's only going to
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: make your life better. It's going to make your kids better.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: It's going to like this type of healing. And look,
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: if you're divorced already and you're listening to this, you're
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: single and you're going through this healing process, you're preparing
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: yourself for the next person, and you're getting yourself. You're
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: leveling up to be on a similar frequency as that
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: next person who's hopefully doing their own work. And don't
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: don't settle, like I think it's something that you know,
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: being being self.
• 49:08
  Speaker 3: Aware is is is a.
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: Gift, and you know, talk about as one of my
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: non negotiables, I want somebody that is self aware that
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: they're working on themselves. Not that anyone's going to be
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: completely healed, because that's a lifelong process, but but that
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: we're working on healing and understanding our inner emotions. And
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: even if there's some things from your childhood that maybe
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: you didn't have great examples as parents, or maybe there
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: was some big D trauma experiences that you need from
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: true therapy and and work through deep healing and E
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: M D R. You know type of type of therapy. Please,
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: like you go seek those things out. I love the
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: idea of I F S. So the internal family systems,
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: if a therapist or a coach has experience within that realm,
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: and and then attachment styles like we talked about today,
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: those are critically important in my mind. And I needed
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: this psychological component along with Jesus and my spiritual component
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: to be able to find the deepest level of healing.
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: And I'm still on that path. It's still you know,
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: a daily progress of what am I doing to be
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: able to help become better healed. I'm a better father
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: because of it. I'll be a better spouse in my
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: next relationship. I'll you know, a better individual, a better
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: son of God, like it's to me.
• 50:29
  Speaker 3: Those are some key pieces. So if you could leave knowing.
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: That this is the kind of the concept that we've
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: talked about, We've got a lot of spouses that are
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: listening in. You can leave, you know, your last bit
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: of advice, what is it that you would want them
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: to hear, and then obviously tell us tell people where
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: they can find you.
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, thank you for this. It's been great.
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: I think the invitation for men, it specifically, is number one,
• 50:56
  Speaker 2: you've never been a man before, meaning whatever time and
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: season you're in right now, just accept that you don't
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: know exactly what you're doing, and that's okay, and you're
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: going to fail. But if you have some of these awarenesses,
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: you won't be suppressing, avoiding, reacting and resisting the failure
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: and the shame and all the emotions that you're unwilling
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: to look at. I think as men, we focus on
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: enduring pain rather than understanding it. We focus on enduring
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: it rather than really making peace with it and getting
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: curious about it. And so this idea around healing the boy,
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: I think most of us are taught to kill the boy, like,
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: don't have these sensitive places and don't address some of
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: these sensitive things because that makes you weak. And we've
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: made it mean that these negative emotions make us weak,
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: when reality it's the complete opposite. The more willing you
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: are to feel at the depths of these negative emotions,
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: if you even want to call them negative, you'll reach
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: a place where you don't even call negative emotions negative anymore.
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: And that's a really dangerous, powerful place to be. But
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: if it helps you understand the roller coaster of hey,
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: the lower lows mean the higher highs are coming. I
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: believe in the law of opposition. I'll go to the
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: grave with it, and so when I'm in the low
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: of it, I might watch for the up because it's
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: about to get fun. It's coming. And so my invitation
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: is to manage, just to say, hey, look, the emotions
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: are the adventure. We all love adventure, we all love battles.
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: Let's look ourselves in the mirror and let's do our best.
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: Let's make some progress, like you said, and like I've
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: been saying, progress creates happiness, creates some metrics outside of
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: you know, the dollar amount or the body fat numbers
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: or whatever it is that you're tracking now. And with
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: marriage and intimacy in your kids, the metrics are going
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: to look different. So'll be soft about or doesn't have
• 52:52
  Speaker 2: to be, you know, so rigid, but start making some progress.
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: When it comes to looking for me, you can find
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: me on Instagram. I'm not super active there, but I
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: do respond all my messages. But it's your wingman. The
• 53:05
  Speaker 2: idea with wingman is, hey, i'd have all my clients
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: be like man, You're like my wingman. And when I
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: got curious about that, it was you're making me feel
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: and look and be as good as I look and
• 53:20
  Speaker 2: feel and know that I can be. And so for
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: me when I go to events with these guys, I'm
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: not trying to outdo them. I'm like, dude, did you
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: hear what Adam's up to? And it took a while
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: for these guys to then dish it back, but once
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: they caught onto it, it was like, dude, you got
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: to talk to Glenn. And so it became this way
• 53:38
  Speaker 2: of bragging about each other about the good things they're doing.
• 53:43
  Speaker 2: And so the wingman idea is, hey, be reaching forward,
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: be humble enough to ask for help, but also be
• 53:49
  Speaker 2: looking to your side and behind you to help other
• 53:52
  Speaker 2: men coming up. But it's your wingman. The book comes
• 53:54
  Speaker 2: out on the eighteenth. Hold it up on Amazon. Heal
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: the Boy, Fords the Man. This book is not about me.
• 54:02
  Speaker 2: This book puts the reader in the hero's journey position.
• 54:06
  Speaker 2: So if you know anything about the hero's journey, this
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: book is phenomenal. God totally wrote this book through me.
• 54:12
  Speaker 2: I'm humble and saying when I read this, I'm like,
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: I don't know how this came to be, but I'm
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: excited to share it with those who are needing it.
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: But this could be a conversation piece for groups, men groups,
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: women groups, partner groups. But it's here for the taking.
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: I love it well, Glenn and obviously Glenn Loovels dot com.
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: So we're going to be hosting some Fatherhood Movement retreats.
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: We've got to have you come and do some speaking,
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: to work with some of these men and look, a
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: lot of the women that are watching and following along,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: please come come and comment, talk to us online. Share
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: this with any of your girlfriends, Share it with any
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: of the men in your life, siblings, brothers, parents. If
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: you feel like this message could help anyone out there,
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: please share. And we'll be doing clips and things on
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: social media and hopefully those can reach more and more people.
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: I think you and I both feel compelled to share
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: some of these things we've been learning because we wish
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: more people had them. And so you guys, thank you
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: for coming to the Fatherhood Movement dot Com podcast. Glen,
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: You've been fantastic, a wealth of knowledge. We definitely need
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: to do another one of these again. We'll do it
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: in person next time in the studio, and you guys,
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: wish you lots of love. I mean, honestly, you've got this.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: I know everyone's out there going through hard things. This
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: hopefully gives you some tools and ways to go.
• 55:34
  Speaker 3: I'll see you online.
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: If you can find us on Instagram, you can find
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: us on LinkedIn wherever it is online.
• 55:39
  Speaker 3: Fatherhead Movement dot com. We'll talk soon.