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Lonely Work, Holy Work · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody, welcome back to Fierce Encouragement.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is Mark and this is episode number 30.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of wild.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I sat down today and I thought, what do I need to say?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: What am I really feeling on this 30th episode?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, the thing that came up and popped up in my journaling was, it's lonely work.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Building something quietly, creating from the inside out, especially when no one is clapping, no one's checking in, and no one might be listening.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Lonely work can be holy work.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what I wanted to talk about today.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I spoke with a man this week, somebody I met through coaching and through a referral, and I'm just going to call him Michael.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's not his real name, but it's a good name to hold this story.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Michael has been a CEO, a director, a leader, been doing it for decades.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Over a couple decades, he's also a dad and a husband and just a wonderful community representative, someone that you love to have in your community.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And during our conversation, he talked about working in one of the more volatile industries that I know of from the conversations I've had as a coach, and that is healthcare.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our conversation, after we talked about his stress and some of the things that were coming up as far as performance and career and navigating some of those pitfalls of being in leadership in healthcare, he paused for a moment when I asked him what was the biggest problem.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: He paused and there was a moment of silence and then he said it.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm lonely.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that was it.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: It was just that simple, honest, and brave.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And as I reflect right now, oh gosh, man, I felt it.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel it right now saying it out loud one more time.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is something that I kind of read into in this great conversation was the feeling of loneliness and building my own business, my own coaching business, and creating things like podcasts and showing up here with you.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't loud work.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: and even when we're in leadership and some of the higher echelons and what we think we want to get in our career, it can be difficult work.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't loud work.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't shiny all the time.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just sitting at a desk and helping your team refocus on what's important when you lose the way or making yourself refocus, right?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's maybe making too much tea at 2 p.m.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: and distracting yourself because you can't land that next sentence in the email you're working on or the presentation.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: It could be talking to really good people, maybe even three in a row.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: to be self-reflective and not even able to get one single client.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: In my business, it's really frustrating too.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: In Michael's business, it sounded very frustrating.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: In my business, it's fun.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I get to have real conversations with real people in an authentic way that leads to deep transformation.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: But those conversations are a process, and I need to be patient with that process.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's reminding myself that.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: But really, it's wondering at points if I'm letting the fish get off the hook.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's that middle.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It feels imbalanced.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Again, as I reflect it out loud, it helps me.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me that I might be a little bit too hard on myself.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder of that for you.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you feeling a little imbalanced or distracted in your life right now?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're letting the fish get off the hook, or maybe you're just being too damn hard on yourself at the moment.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you are feeling it too from the conversations I've had this week, but also reflecting on the last two months.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And especially for those who are parents, fathers, or maybe even sons or partners, this work can matter even more.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because how we show up here when it's quiet in the early morning, when nobody's watching, maybe it's at the workout, maybe it's at the dinner table with our family in the quiet sense.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's just in the living room, right?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Creating that quiet time for reading and reflecting, connecting with our kids or our spouse or our partners or friends.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: This lonely work shapes the way we open up and we love and kind of thinking about it from the inside out.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite coaches, Steve Chandler, has a great quote, and I wanted to share it with you.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Being a professional is doing what you said you would do, even when the mood you set it in has left you.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And lately, as I shared above, that mood has left me a few times not being able to extend conversations.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: and pull people in as clients.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: The mood has been up and down.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really happy I get the chances.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: The work remains for me, for you.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is it.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is the lonely work.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's that holy work.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's working, again, from the inside out.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's doing it when we say we're going to do it, regardless of whether the mood is there or not, as Steve Chandler put it so eloquently.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to share something I've been practicing with the last two months.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to call it an audit, but it felt right this time of year or tax season.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It just felt too harsh and too, you know, institutional.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just calling this my friends list.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a quiet little ritual that I want you to invite you to try.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, I just sit down with a scrap of paper in the morning, even my journal.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I write down one to three names.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've just been doing this during the working week, so just five days.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I write down one to three names, and they're people I love.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're people that might be old friends who I connected with and I maybe haven't connected with in over five years.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're people who made me feel human, maybe...
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: made me feel heard.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there may be people that I feel could use an encouraging text or an encouraging note.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I send that note.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I send that text.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I send that email.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I make it quick.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's even a voice message.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not big.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not supposed to be clever.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's just supposed to be true and from the heart and something that can open up a door.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And they're not going to all land.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that's not the point.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: But just sending those one to three texts or messages.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you could even say something like, you know, hey, you've been in my head this week and just wanted to say I'm grateful for you.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or something as simple as just, you know, miss your face, let's catch up.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, when I get done with that, after I journal on it and send those quick one to three texts or messages that morning, I pause.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I take a moment to really feel it.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the celebration, right?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can call it celebration.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can call it resonating.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can call it shining a light.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is key, though, and I want to share this.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: This comes from BJ Fogg, who did a great book called Tiny Habits, one of, I feel like it's my Bible.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I quote it so much, but there is a good quote in there that BJ Fogg says about science of behavior change.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Emotions create habits.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Feel good about your tiny wins, and you'll want to do them again.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to get good at feeling it, feeling that celebration.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out to those people, do that friends list, resonate with it for like 30 seconds to a minute, and create that emotion around connecting with people.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why are we doing this?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: It is lonely work.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe to go back to the conversation I had with Michael, it is lonely work, but we have to make effort to cultivate that garden of our friendships, even if they do feel dry and arid.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's about reaching out and starting that ball rolling.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So celebrate.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: You celebrate.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself a fist pump, maybe a quick smile in the mirror.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just to sit back in your chair and have a smile on your face and let it count from your heart outward.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And as the comedian Mark Maron says, most of my life is just showing up and doing the thing without losing your mind.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, people, that is it.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is it.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So reach out.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Show up.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Practice this friends list.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Stay human.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Stay connected to the people in this life because it is lonely, especially when we might work at higher levels and feel the pressure.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or even if we're building our own business or kind of feeling lonely in parenthood and those relationships we are in.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And just a reflection to kind of invite you in here at the end.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast really isn't about tricks and hacks.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's about those deeper inner personal reminders.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: We are not broken.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You are not broken.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're just tired, maybe.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a little dehydrated.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: But right now, by listening to this, you're building something real for yourself.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You might be in the middle.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel wobbly.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It is lonely in the middle, but it is not forever.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to reach out to your friends and family and your cohorts or even other creative people in your space and make that friends list.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Make a simple request of them.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Send a note.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let it be funny.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let it be enough.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And really kind of let it come back to letting that be holy.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: That lonely work is holy, but we don't have to be lonely.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: We can let that holiness come into the lonely work because we're kind of revering ourselves or making good relationships with ourself in those moments.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: We let that energy then ripple into the family, right?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Into our friends, into our other projects, into our homes, into our legacy, our lineage, if you will.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is how we change things.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're ready to get support or have some guidance or deeper clarity on what you're building and why it matters in your life, apply for a free session with me here.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's zero pressure.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's just space for you to think and talk and reflect and reconnect what you actually want.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: The link to apply is in the show notes.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you wanted something simple to help you drop back into your body, your breath, this moment, I have put a free meditation into the show notes as well.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So that's also in the show notes.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can grab that and practice that.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And hey, don't wait.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I invite you to reach out Seriously, I read every message.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am a solopreneur.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I love to connect with people's stories.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: We are not meant to do this all alone.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the biggest things that I overcame know that you're not alone.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I really do thank you for being part of this Fierce Encouragement podcast, episode number 30.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: I will see you in episode 31.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out, let me know how you're doing, and wherever you're at, I hope you have a great day, a great evening, and a great life.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for sharing your time, and I hope this episode landed with you.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Take care.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.