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7 Ways To Overcome Mom Fatigue With Your Teen · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:33
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast and thank you for taking a little bit of time out of your summer to listen.
• 0:39
  Ben: Today, we're talking about how you can avoid becoming the summer police and why managing everything for your teen is actually making them less responsible.
• 0:51
  Ben: So somewhere along the way this summer, possibly between day one and the third argument over screen time or something, a lot of moms became unpaid managers of their teenager.
• 1:07
  Ben: And you'll know this is you if you track the chores, you watch the screen time, you are basically your teen's alarm clock, you tell them when to get out of bed, you tell them when to go to bed, and you remind them to do their chores, to follow through, to stop being rude.
• 1:25
  Ben: And then you wonder, Why am I so exhausted?" Well, here's a hard truth.
• 1:30
  Ben: If you are the one carrying the responsibility of your teen getting stuff done, your teen now doesn't have to, and you've become a full-time manager, which makes it so that your teen can just be a part-time participant.
• 1:48
  Ben: if your summer already feels like chasing, reminding, and policing, the problem may not just be your teen's behavior.
• 1:57
  Ben: The problem is likely the role that you keep stepping into as a parent.
• 2:02
  Ben: And your teen does not need you to become the summer police.
• 2:07
  Ben: They don't need you to manage every second of their day.
• 2:10
  Ben: They don't need to-- They don't need you to manage whether or not they're being responsible.
• 2:15
  Ben: Your teen needs you to lead in a way that helps them be responsible.
• 2:21
  Ben: You can't control your teen's behavior.
• 2:24
  Ben: Stop trying to manage all of that and just be the parent that holds the line, that enforces a boundary, and that will teach your teen how to be responsible.
• 2:38
  Ben: That will help your teen go back to school having matured and grown up and become more responsible, and this is what we're talking about today.
• 2:48
  Ben: So let's talk about summer and how summer often turns into you as the mother, or any dads that are listening to this, as being the unpaid manager of the house.
• 3:01
  Ben: And you're not just parenting.
• 3:04
  Ben: Somehow you've turned into the one that is tracking everything.
• 3:09
  Ben: You've become your teen's alarm clock, their screen time timer, their chore chart, and the one who enforces all the consequences.
• 3:18
  Ben: And the problem isn't that you care.
• 3:21
  Ben: The problem is that you're carrying too much.
• 3:25
  Ben: You're not putting some of this responsibility onto your teenager.
• 3:30
  Ben: And if your teen doesn't have to do any of the responsibility part, they're not growing.
• 3:36
  Ben: They're not maturing.
• 3:38
  Ben: So here's a couple of examples.
• 3:42
  Ben: Maybe when it comes to screen time, you know exactly how long your teen has been playing video games, how long they've been scrolling social media, but maybe your teen doesn't know that.
• 3:55
  Ben: That's a sign that you've become the manager, and you are not empowering your teen to manage that.
• 4:00
  Ben: Or maybe when it comes to chores, you remember that the trash still needs taken out, the bathroom needs cleaned, but your teen is just gonna sit back and wait for the reminder.
• 4:11
  Ben: Again, you've become the manager.
• 4:14
  Ben: You have offloaded that responsibility from your teenager.
• 4:19
  Ben: Or maybe when it comes to sleep, you're the one who has to get them out of bed in the morning, and you have to remind them 10 times that it's time for bed at night.
• 4:29
  Ben: And these are just some things that you can start to turn that responsibility over to your teenager.
• 4:38
  Ben: And that doesn't mean that you just let them be responsible for it, and then they just sleep in and do absolutely nothing.
• 4:45
  Ben: What that means is you let them be responsible for that, and you enforce the consequences when they choose to sleep in and not get anything done throughout the day.
• 4:56
  Ben: And the awesome part about this, your current policing job, your job of managing how your teen lives his life during summer is exhausting.
• 5:07
  Ben: But when you can start turning this over to your teen and letting them own their own responsibility, you'll have so much more energy to do the things that are most important for you as a parent.
• 5:21
  Ben: So let's talk about why your teen keeps letting you manage all of this for them.
• 5:30
  Ben: Every time you remind your teen to do something, you're taking responsibility for that, and that's easier on your teen.
• 5:39
  Ben: When you own the urgency or the deadline,"Hey, the trash needs to be taken out right now.
• 5:46
  Ben: I've reminded you 100 times.
• 5:48
  Ben: It's gotta be done now.
• 5:49
  Ben: Go do it, or I'm gonna take away everything." You've managed the importance, the urgency.
• 5:54
  Ben: Now your teen doesn't have to.
• 5:56
  Ben: And so it's important to keep in mind that when you rescue your teen for the consequen- from the consequences, and you manage their behavior all day throughout the summer, your teen doesn't have to do that, and they don't learn from that experience.
• 6:15
  Ben: this isn't about caring less.
• 6:18
  Ben: Like I don't want you to just let your teen walk all over you and do absolutely nothing this summer.
• 6:24
  Ben: What this is about carrying less.
• 6:27
  Ben: You don't need to be the one who shoulders the burden.
• 6:31
  Ben: You can put some of that onto your teen's shoulders.
• 6:35
  Ben: And your teen may be acting irresponsible simply because the pattern that you guys have in your home allows for that type of behavior.
• 6:45
  Ben: if you're the only one watching your teen's screen time or video game time, he's learned that screen time limits is your job, not his.
• 6:57
  Ben: If you wake him up five times, he's learned that the alarm is optional because Mom's gonna come get me up when it's necessary.
• 7:07
  Ben: I can ignore that other thing and just take it seriously when Mom comes in.
• 7:11
  Ben: The goal is not to look at yourself and be like,"Why do I let myself fall into this trap?" The goal is for you to see and understand,"Oh, I might be reinforcing this pattern that doesn't work." And when you understand that, you can start to hand some of this responsibility back to your teenager, which is going to benefit your teen long term.
• 7:36
  Ben: let's talk about what are some of the responsibilities that you can give back to your teenager to help your teen actually grow and develop this summer?
• 7:48
  Ben: Because let's be honest, if your teen is like most teens, and definitely like my teenagers, your teen isn't really going to prioritize learning math, learning how to read better, refreshing like some of the more important concepts in history.
• 8:05
  Ben: They're not gonna spend the time academically learning.
• 8:08
  Ben: But they could be spending this summertime learning when it comes to behaviors, maturing when it comes to their own responsibility.
• 8:20
  Ben: And one important thing to keep in mind, you don't want to ask like,"Well, how do I make my teen do chores?
• 8:26
  Ben: How do I make him get off of the video games?" You start by asking, What responsibilities do I need to move back to my teen, and what are some of the lessons that he can learn from this?" the important thing that we want to keep in mind, we want to really use summer as an opportunity to give them some responsibility, so they can start understanding how to take on the leading role in their own life.
• 8:55
  Ben: And responsibility grows when you as the parent let your teen own what they're responsible for, which sometimes sucks because that means you're also letting them own the consequences that they earn.
• 9:10
  Ben: And keep in mind, consequences can be both positive and negative, but you're letting your teen own those things.
• 9:19
  Ben: For example, if you give your teen a curfew and you're like,"Hey, I want you home by this time.
• 9:25
  Ben: That way y- I know that the car is safe, I know that you're safe," you get to help them learn that,"Oh, I am responsible for the consequences that I create." And now if your teen comes home on time, you get to say,"Hey, you know what?
• 9:40
  Ben: You did fantastic at that.
• 9:41
  Ben: Tomorrow when you go hang out, I'm gonna let you stay out an hour later." They own that consequence because of their behavior.
• 9:50
  Ben: Or if they come home half an hour late, you're the one who gets to say,"You know what?
• 9:54
  Ben: I'm not gonna let you borrow the car tomorrow because you couldn't follow through on what we agreed upon this time around." And the power is you are putting that responsibility on your teen's shoulder rather than you having to be the one that manages every aspect of their life.
• 10:14
  Ben: And so here are a few examples.
• 10:17
  Ben: When it comes to, tracking whether or not your teen has done every single chore, I want you to empower them.
• 10:25
  Ben: Ask"Hey, what do you think a good process is for you to demonstrate that your chores are done?" For me, in our home, a lot of times it's checking back.
• 10:35
  Ben: "Look, I'm not gonna chase you down to find out when you've done your chore or if you've done your chore.
• 10:42
  Ben: But here's the thing, I'll know your chore is done if you come ask if I want to give you a check back on your chore.
• 10:50
  Ben: And until you have that check back, you don't have screen time privileges.
• 10:55
  Ben: You don't have cell phone privileges." You've just-- Rather than you having to track everything and manage everything, you've now empowered your teen to do that.
• 11:04
  Ben: Instead of watching the clock for your teen, make it clear ahead of time what are the expectations when it comes To screen time or waking up on time or going to bed on time.
• 11:17
  Ben: And what do you think would be some fair consequences, like some fair rewards if you meet those time restrictions?
• 11:26
  Ben: And what do you think would be some fair consequences if you don't?
• 11:29
  Ben: And you're just empowering your teen and helping them take that burden, that responsibility, so that you don't have to manage it.
• 11:38
  Ben: And one of the benefits of this, not only does it help your teenager grow and become more mature, but it offloads some of that mental and emotional pressure off of your shoulders, and it empowers your teen to make a choice.
• 11:56
  Ben: And now you don't have to manage it for them, you just are the one...
• 12:00
  Ben: It's kinda like you're a boss.
• 12:03
  Ben: "Look, I'm gonna ask you to do X, Y, and Z." think about how a job works.
• 12:08
  Ben: You go to work and your boss is like,"Hey, I need you to do X, Y, and Z.
• 12:12
  Ben: If you do that every day, every two weeks, I'm gonna pay you an agreed upon amount, and this is just how this relationship works." And we embrace it.
• 12:24
  Ben: We accept it.
• 12:25
  Ben: "Great.
• 12:25
  Ben: Yeah, I'll show up to work.
• 12:27
  Ben: I'll deliver this thing so that I can get what I want." And you're just empowering your teen.
• 12:32
  Ben: "Look, I know you want a cellphone.
• 12:34
  Ben: I know you want access to the car.
• 12:36
  Ben: I know you want to play video games.
• 12:39
  Ben: Here's what it takes to earn that, and I'm gonna put the burden of earning that and the burden of tracking that and being responsible for how you get things done and when you get things done.
• 12:52
  Ben: I'm gonna put all of those on your shoulders, and now you have all this extra energy to just uphold the boundary.
• 12:58
  Ben: That's your only job now." So here are some examples.
• 13:03
  Ben: Instead of,"Hey, I want you to clean your room," and then reminding them 10 times and then saying,"Hey, I've reminded you so many times.
• 13:10
  Ben: Why isn't your room done?" I would try something like this:"Hey, I would like your room to be done before you get access to screen time, video games, your cellphone.
• 13:25
  Ben: What do you think would be a fair timeframe to get your room done so that you can have access to these things that you want?" You're not managing every step.
• 13:35
  Ben: You're empowering your teen.
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  Ben: "Hey, here's what I want done.
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  Ben: I know you want these things.
• 13:40
  Ben: What do you think would be a fair timeframe?
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  Ben: What do you think would be a fair expectation?" Now, hopefully your teen, as you do this enough, hopefully your teen realizes that they have a voice.
• 13:53
  Ben: When it comes to cleaning the room, maybe your teen would be like,"Wow, my room is a mess.
• 13:58
  Ben: I have ignored it." the whole first two weeks of summer.
• 14:02
  Ben: I don't think I can get it all done in one day.
• 14:05
  Ben: What do you think would be fair if I spend X amount of time cleaning my room, and then can I earn some video game time, and then I'll finish my room tomorrow before I get more video game time?" Now, because you've allowed your teen to take on the role of managing that and being responsible, you now get to be like,"Yeah, I think that's a fantastic idea.
• 14:29
  Ben: And do you know what?
• 14:30
  Ben: I know how boring it is to clean.
• 14:33
  Ben: How about I let you have access to your music on your phone while you clean it, and then over the next two days, you work on your room then you get video game time.
• 14:44
  Ben: And then if your room is done over the next two days, awesome, we get to move forward.
• 14:49
  Ben: If not, then you won't have video game time until your room is done." And you're just going through this balance of empowering your teen and then helping them be successful to do the things that they need to do throughout the summertime.
• 15:05
  Ben: Now, I wanna talk to you about some of the traps that could prevent you from empowering your teen to be responsible.
• 15:14
  Ben: And these are some of the traps that I talk about in my Parent Trap Quiz.
• 15:20
  Ben: If you haven't taken that quiz yet, go to benpughcoaching.com and take the Parent Trap Quiz today.
• 15:27
  Ben: It's benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz, and it'll help you understand more about yourself as a parent and help you understand what are some of the things that hold you back when it comes to parenting your teenager.
• 15:41
  Ben: Now, if you find yourself struggling to empower your teen and turn over some of that responsibility, you are probably getting stuck in at least one parent trap.
• 15:54
  Ben: So if you're turning into the summer police, here are some of the parent traps that you're likely falling into.
• 16:02
  Ben: The first one is the controlling parent trap, and this is where you tighten up, you're going for control, and you're like, no, you're going to do what I say, how I say, when I say it." And the problem is, if you are stuck in the controlling parent trap, you are not allowing your teen to be responsible for the things that they can control.
• 16:24
  Ben: The other parent trap that might keep you from empowering your teen is the doormat parent trap, and this is when...
• 16:33
  Ben: I call it the doormat parent trap because you let your teen walk all over you, and you let everything slide so that you can avoid fighting And you end up feeling resentful.
• 16:45
  Ben: And letting everything slide is not going to teach your teen how to be responsible.
• 16:52
  Ben: And the other parent trap, I call it the lost and confused parent trap.
• 16:56
  Ben: This is where you've tried being strict and it didn't work.
• 17:00
  Ben: You've tried being the doormat parent and letting your teen walk all over you, and that didn't work, and now you're just lost.
• 17:05
  Ben: You're like,"I don't even know what to do." And the truth is, if you can catch yourself being the summer police, and you can understand why you're doing that, you can step out of that role of policing everything, and you can explore,"How can I help my teen be responsible for these things?" And once you do that, not only are you empowering your teen to be more responsible, but you're empowering yourself to be more intentional about how you show up as their parent, about the patterns that you let exist in your home.
• 17:47
  Ben: So I wanna give you one simple thing to work on today.
• 17:52
  Ben: I want you to pick one thing that you are tired of managing this summer.
• 17:56
  Ben: It might be screen time, it might be chores, it might be the go to bed and the wake up time.
• 18:03
  Ben: But I want you to identify one thing that you are tired of managing for your teen.
• 18:10
  Ben: And I want you to ask yourself, What am I carrying?
• 18:13
  Ben: What responsibility am I carrying that I could give back to my teenager?
• 18:19
  Ben: What am I tracking that he could easily track?
• 18:22
  Ben: What am I reminding him about that he needs a clearer agreement or possibly clearer consequences that would m- remind him so I don't have to do that?" And ask yourself,"What am I rescuing him from?
• 18:38
  Ben: what am I protecting him from by managing all of this?" And the thing I want you to keep in mind, for this little assignment, you don't need to fix the whole entire summer.
• 18:49
  Ben: Just pick one responsibility that you're going to give back to your teenager.
• 18:54
  Ben: this is one that comes up a lot.
• 18:56
  Ben: I'm just gonna use this example.
• 18:58
  Ben: if your teen has the responsibility of unloading the dishwasher, hopefully they have a little bit more than that, but let's just use this for the example.
• 19:07
  Ben: If you remind your teen 1,000 times,"Unload the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher," and then it comes dinner time and the dishwasher is still not unloaded, and you're like,"Go unload it right now so you don't have to load the whole dishwasher," you haven't yet handed that over to your teenager If you can set the expectation,"Look, teen, if you get the dishwasher unloaded before dinner time, you don't have to load everyone else's dishes.
• 19:34
  Ben: But if you don't, you will have to load everyone's dishes because the dishwasher isn't unloaded.
• 19:40
  Ben: So now you have to unload and load." You're just putting that responsibility back on your teen's shoulders.
• 19:46
  Ben: You don't need to remind them.
• 19:48
  Ben: You don't need to manage that.
• 19:50
  Ben: All you have to do is set the expectation, let them know about it, and then tonight at dinner time, if the dishwasher is unloaded, I would praise the heck out of that.
• 20:01
  Ben: "Good job.
• 20:02
  Ben: Now you don't have to load the dishwasher." But if it's not unloaded, I'm gonna say,"You know what?
• 20:07
  Ben: That's not a big deal.
• 20:09
  Ben: You just know the drill.
• 20:10
  Ben: Now you have to unload after we eat dinner and load all the dishes because it wasn't unloaded for people to load them themselves." And you're just gonna hand over that one responsibility back to your teenager.
• 20:26
  Ben: Now, if this episode hit close to home, don't walk away thinking,"Okay, I just need to stop managing everything." That's too vague.
• 20:37
  Ben: Because your teen does not follow through, you probably have a pattern that you're falling into, and your teen is just the indicator.
• 20:46
  Ben: "Mom, you're in the controlling parent trap, which is why I'm pushing back so hard," or,"Mom, you're in the doormat parent trap, which is why I don't do anything unless you absolutely force me to," or,"Mom, you're lost and confused.
• 21:00
  Ben: You're too back and forth.
• 21:01
  Ben: I don't know what to expect, so I'm not gonna do anything." And the truth is, the more you push, the more you lecture, the more you try and force your teen to be responsible, you're probably stuck in the controlling parent trap.
• 21:15
  Ben: The more you just let things slide and you avoid the fight and you feel resentful later, you're probably in the doormat parent trap.
• 21:24
  Ben: And if you're just lost and confused and you keep going back and forth, it's obvious you're in the lost and confused parent trap.
• 21:32
  Ben: So this is exactly why I have created the parent trap quiz.
• 21:37
  Ben: It will help you see which pattern you fall into when your teen pushes back, when they ignore you, when they shut down, when they argue.
• 21:46
  Ben: And once you see your pattern, you can start to change it because your teen does not need you to become the summer police.
• 21:57
  Ben: They don't need you to handle all of that responsibility.
• 22:02
  Ben: What your teen does need is someone who will hand him his own responsibility, who will let him be responsible for his own choices.
• 22:12
  Ben: And when you can stop managing everything and you empower your teen to manage things for himself, that is when you really step into a leadership role in your parenting, and that will help your teen be more responsible.
• 22:30
  Ben: So go to benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz.
• 22:36
  Ben: Go take the quiz.
• 22:37
  Ben: It's like a minute or less, and it's completely free.
• 22:42
  Ben: And find out which trap you are most likely falling into and start seeing what needs to change this summer so that you can finally enjoy summertime with your teen.
• 22:55
  Ben: I'll see you soon.