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PREVENTING FUTURE REGRET · The Karen Kenney Show

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Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey you guys.
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Welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I'm super duper excited to
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be here with you today. We know what. I'm not excited about all
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this snow. I'm ready, you guys. I'm just ready. I'm ready for
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winter. Viola. Okay, whining done, and I'm back okay. Today
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we're going to be talking about regrets. Regret, regret, regret.
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How many of us have just walked around in life carrying some
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regrets that we're just like, oh man, you know that that that is
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just so not soothing. But we have good news for today,
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because we're gonna dive into this. I've been thinking about
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this for a bunch of different reasons, and I've been wanting
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to talk about regrets again, because I did an episode like
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God, like six years ago. I think it was episode 69 and I just
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called it on regret. So I've talked about this before, like,
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a really long time ago, but I have a lot. I have some newer
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thoughts. I have some newer thoughts. And you know what I
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always say in my podcast episodes? I mean, not on every
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single one, but what I often say is I reserve the right to change
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my mind, and that when I'm smarter, I'll hopefully do
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better. When I know better, I'll hopefully do better, but I
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reserve the right to change my mind. I reserve the right to
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grow. I reserve the right to go like, Oh yeah, I've learned
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better. I've learned more better. I love using bad grammar
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sometimes. I've learned more better since then, I've been a
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smarter I've been a smarter person since then, okay, but I'm
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thinking about regret for a bunch of reasons. Number one,
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you just cannot be in this political climate right now and
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not hear a bunch of people saying how much they regret
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voting for Donald Trump. So there's that daily, that daily
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thing of all the bro podcasters, a lot of the bro comedian
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podcasters saying, Oh, I didn't think he was actually going to
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deport a bunch of people. So yeah. Number All right, that was
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bad impression. But number one, you just hear that a lot going
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on. Also, I have some decisions to make in my life. And one of
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the things I always ask myself when I have multiple options is,
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I mean, there's different ways of coming to decisions, of
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course, but one of the things I often ask myself is, Will I
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regret this? Well, will I regret this thing I'm about to say or
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do or whatever post. You know, sometimes you gotta, you gotta
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think about it. Also. There's a so right is certain. Right is
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right when we are working on a project, not all of us, but a
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lot of us, right, a lot of different people will kind of
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put on their walls like things that are inspiring them,
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especially like, imagine you're writing a historical period
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piece. So you might put pictures of people in their old timey
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clothes or places. Like, if you're writing about the Africa,
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you know, the Savannah, or you're writing about the
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pyramids, or like, whatever you're doing, right? You might
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put things on the wall that inspire you, that motivate you,
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that bring you to that time again, whatever it is. Well, I
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have a piece of paper on on my wall. That's part of like my
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writing wall, which, right now I don't have a bunch of things up.
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I'm always kind of surrounded by my history, like I have a
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picture of my mother on my desk. You know, there's remind my
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mother's back there. Me, little me. So there's always reminders
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for me around here. But I keep this particular piece of paper
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because I said it to my sweetie. I said this quote to my sweetie.
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It wasn't a quote at the time. I was just talking, but he
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reminded me of it one day a wicked long time ago. And so I
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wrote it down, and I printed it out, and it basically just says,
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and it's about my book, right? My book that I'm writing, it's,
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I don't ever want to regret not writing it. I don't ever want to
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regret not writing it. And that quote in particular is really
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the hot beat of what we're going to be talking about today. And
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this is going to make sense in a minute. So stay with me. Okay?
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And then fourth of all my, one of my fourth reasons right, is
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that it's like, how do I talk, whether you call it spiritual
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teams or loving intelligence, or divine intelligence, or the
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universe, or, you know, whatever. Sometimes when my
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brain starts to think about talking about a thing, you just
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see it. You just start to see it. It's like when you were a
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kid and you, you know, all of a sudden we're driving in the car,
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and you got bored, and one of you is like, let's play punch
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buggy. Well, as soon as you tell your brain and you start to
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focus on trying to see little Volkswagen buggies, what do you
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do is you start to see them, right? So it's not surprising to
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me, as I've been thinking about talking about regret, that all
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of a sudden I get an email from somebody Jesse. It's, well,
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talking about regrets. And I was like, okay, that's the sign. I
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got it, got the memo, got it right? And like, here we go.
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Okay, so I want to go back to my previous episode, Episode 69
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because the reason why I wanted to do this episode is that
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there's another regret, and it's, it's, let's just call it,
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I call it a preventative, right? It's a preventive regret. You.
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And this I did not talk about in my previous episode, so I wanted
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to share this one with you, because I find it wicked
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helpful, and I thought maybe you will too. Okay, so on Podcast,
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episode number 69 on regret, I basically talked about, I said
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there's two main types of regrets that people encounter in
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their lifetime. One of them stems from decisions made or
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actions that we took that we are now not proud of, right, things
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we did, things we said, decisions we made, actions we
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took that we're not proud of. And, you know, we wish we could
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take them back. Okay? And I said the second kind of main regret,
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or type of regret that we have is an action that we didn't take
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or didn't do, and what I realized is that both of those
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are focused on the past. It's us now looking back, right, and
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saying, like, oh shit, like, I wish I hadn't said that or done
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that. And it could be anything from, you know, maybe you just
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were irritable that day, and you spoke out of turn, and you said
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something hurtful, and you made, you made somebody cry, or you
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upset somebody, all the way to something like a major life
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decision, where you got a divorce and now you wish you
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hadn't, or whatever it is, right? This being human, we have
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1001 ways to make mistakes and to fuck up. And, you know,
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there's that thing they say, and 12 step programs, like,
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sometimes you got to ask yourself before you do
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something, am I really just hungry or tired or lonely or I
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just need, I need support, or whatever it is right before I do
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this thing? But we don't always have the self awareness in that
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moment to know, like, hey, this thing I'm about to do, or this
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thing I'm about to decide to not do, like, show up for my kids
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basketball game, or I'm not going to pay my bills on time,
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or I'm not going to X, Y and Z, whatever that I'm not going to
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keep my word, whatever it is. Like I said, there's 1001 ways
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that humans, we can screw things up, but those are all like now,
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things in the past that we can't do anything about. Okay, so when
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I was thinking about these two main things, bringing them back
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up in my mind, I realized, oh, there's a third kind of regret.
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And Jesse also talked about this, hit on this in his email,
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which I thought was fantastic. So number one, let's just
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revisit these. There's the regrets in the past, right?
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These are the ones that you can't do anything about. They
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happened years ago, or they happened last week. And what's
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done is done, you know? And they say in, I think it's an AA, I
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know it's in the 12 step, you know, kind of recovery programs,
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but they say you can't build a better past, right? And this is
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my way of saying, like, what happened happened. You know,
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that whole saying, it is what it is, it is what it is, the thing
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went down, you did the thing, or didn't do the thing, right? You
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can't do anything about it. And this is when we have to, like,
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go into the realms of like, you know, self awareness, first of
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all, like owning it, like, yeah, this was something that I
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participated in, did and said, and I wish I hadn't. I have to
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accept that, that I was doing the best that I could at the
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time, or I wasn't do the best that I could, and I actually was
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being a dick. And looking back now with some maturity and some
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insight, and now I'm so whatever your thing is, right? Maybe
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you're a person who became sober, or whatever the thing is,
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and you're like, Okay, and this is the realm of like, self
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awareness, self acceptance and self forgiveness, right? And
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then with with the knowledge, I think we're how we kind of ease
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the sting of regret, is that we actively work right to do
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better, right? Not just say, Oh, I wish things were different.
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No, you do something about it. Okay, so that's it. These, those
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are the ones you can't do anything about. Then you have
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the ones that you can do something about, right? So you
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might be sitting there and saying, like, I was kind of
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harsh with that person, or Oh, I was impatient, or oh, I wasn't
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really paying attention, and they felt not seen, not heard,
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not loved, blah, blah, blah, I didn't do my best as a father,
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right? But hey, I'm still alive. Like, I can't go back and change
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my kid's childhood, but I can. I can make amends, right? I can
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make things right. I can, like, acknowledge my part in things. I
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can say I'm sorry, and I can actively work on myself to do
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better moving forward. Can't go back and change the past, but at
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least I can still try my best to do something about it. Now,
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whether or not people want to
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accept your apology or to allow you to make amends or want to be
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in a relationship with you again. You don't have any
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control over that, but at least you've come to a place of
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awareness enough that you're like, I fucked up. That wasn't
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great. I can do better, and I'm gonna actively work on being
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better, doing data better, thinking better, saying better,
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right? All of that. And I often tell this story. I have told it
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so many times, but I tell. It, because I think it's a really
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simple, but also a funny and humor is a really great way to
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help us to change without shame, to realize that, you know, we're
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all human, and we all do wacky things. But so one of my
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teachers, aknaron, tells a story about, you know, a couple that
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were dating or whatever, and, you know, the guy said to the to
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the girl like, about her dog, like, Oh, your dog's ugly. I
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can't imagine who would ever say that. I don't think any dogs are
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ugly, but let's just imagine he looks at this dog. Well, I
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people have said to me not about bunchy but about our old pug,
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Quincy. Quincy, Magoo. Clancy. We called him Clancy too,
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somebody when we walked past him on the street in downtown,
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conquered once made a comment about how ugly is what he was.
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And I was like, Oh, my God, you poor soul, if you think this dog
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is ugly, you fucking don't even get out. You have no clue. He's
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the cutest thing ever. He's a little black pug. He was the
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cutest Okay, and I'm back, but let's just say somebody said
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something mean to your dog. Okay, this is the story that he
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tells. The guy says something mean about the dog that couple
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breaks up, he moves away, and then later he realizes that was
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not a kind thing to do, like I could do better. Now, whether
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that person has moved on, or that dog has died, that person
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doesn't want to talk to you, whatever the situation is, you
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might not be able to go back and do anything about the past, but
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what you can do, ashwaran says, is every dog you meet going
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forward be incredibly kind to them, and that's how we heal it,
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right? Healing doesn't happen in the past. Healing happens in the
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present moment, doing better, making amends. It happens in the
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present, like in the here and the now. So we have these things
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that you cannot go back to in the past and change. You have
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the things that you can going forward, do something about, and
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now we have number three, and this is the one I'm excited to
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talk about. This is the so you have the ones you can't do
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anything about, the ones you can do something about going
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forward, and now we have number three, the ones you can prevent.
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This is the one that you actually have some good control
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over. And this points back to that quote I was telling you
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about, about my memoir, about my book, where I said I don't ever
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want to regret not writing it. Here's the thing, I can prevent
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that regret by actually writing the damn thing right? And that's
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what I'm actively doing, is I don't want to have a regret. So
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what am I doing is I'm actively writing the book. So I want to
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share this with you, because you have to know what's yours to do?
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I always say, Don't not do what's yours to do. Do the thing
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that is yours to do, whether that's like, I use this example
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before, where so many people come up to my sweetie and
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they'll be like, I've always wanted to play guitar. He's
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like, Well, you have a guitar at home. And they're like, yeah.
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He's like, you're not dead yet. You still have time. Your
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fingers still work, right? So it's like we have so many things
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that we can prevent if we are willing to right, if we're
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willing to maybe be uncomfortable because we're new
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at something, and we're going to suck at it, and we have to be in
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beginner's mind, and we have to be a learner, and our ego
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doesn't like that, because adults get weird about being not
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good at things. You know, adults get weird at not like we're
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afraid to look stupid, we're afraid to be made fun of. We're
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afraid to not be good at things. Little kids don't care. Little
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kids when they play. Think about when you were little kid. Most
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of us, I mean, I didn't like to color outside the lines, but I
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was a wicked good color inside the line, so I didn't stress
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about it, right? I just did it. But most of us, like you, ever
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do a cat wheel before, no show me, and then you try, and you
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don't care if you fall and you all laugh and you have fun. We
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get older and we become way more self conscious, right? So here's
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the thing, if we are willing to have self awareness, if we're
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like, meaning like you, have to be self aware enough to know
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that if I don't do this thing, I will regret it. Like somebody
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says, I've always wanted to run a marathon, or I've always
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wanted to write a book, or I always wanted to, like, donate
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blood, or I always wanted to say I'm sorry. Like, there's a fact.
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You know, we can't spend the whole show talking about 1000
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and million in one ways, right? That that you might have things
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that are on your heart and on your mind, that you feel called
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to do, that you feel excited about, that you feel curious
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about, whatever the language is, right? And you're like, I don't,
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I don't want to, I don't want to regret this. Well, you don't
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have to, right? There's a lot of things that are in our control,
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right? Like, go out and vote, you know, say the damn thing
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like, start the project, whatever it is, right, start
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doing better. Start showing up at your kids games or recitals.
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Start studying at night instead of watching TV, X, Y and Z. I
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want to go back to school, whatever the thing is, right,
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you can probably prevent a lot. Of things, not everything,
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especially when it comes to relationships, right? It takes
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two to tango. You, if you if you don't want to divorce, but your
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partner does, you can't control that ultimately, right? So it's
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like, what is mine? What is mine that I can prevent? Right?
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What's my control? What's in my control? And you have to have a
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little bit of courage, right? You have to be willing to let
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yourself be vulnerable enough to want a thing, right, to want to
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go after a thing or pursue a thing, or learn a thing, or
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whatever, because a lot of times you know people around you will
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talk you out of your dreams. And that's a whole episode for
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another day. But one of the things that Jesse said that I
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loved, he said, you know, and it's the same thing that I ask
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myself. I say, Oh, am I going to regret this if I don't do this
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right? But he says, I asked myself this question all the
15:47
time, am I going to regret this in the future? And if the answer
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is yes, I get in front of it immediately. And so he was
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giving the example of how he always wanted to run, I don't
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remember the exact number, like, 100 mile race, and his wife,
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Sarah was like, This is crazy. And he's like, Sarah, you know?
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She's like, What about your knees and later down the road or
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whatever? And he's like, I'm not living for later. He goes, I'm
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living for now. And I asked myself, well, I regret not doing
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this. And he goes, and I knew that I would, so I signed up and
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I did the race and blah, blah, blah, you know? So here's what I
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know, not doing a thing is going to absolutely, probably
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guarantee you the outcome that you don't want. No if it's
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really on your hat to do it and you're really curious about it
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and you really want to pursue it, and you don't, it's like you
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can prevent, you know, when smoking the bear used to say
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only you can prevent forest fires, well, only you can
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prevent future regret. And again, it's you have to be self
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honest, you have to be self aware, you have to have a little
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courage, you have to get a little like pep in your step, a
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little Mojo. You got to be a little brave, right? But we can
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have a different outcome. Regret does not have to be the thing.
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It does not have to be the ending of your story. I always
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like it, you know? I know that they're not all happy endings,
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but I'm like, if we can have a happy ending, right, why
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wouldn't we want to pursue it for ourselves and others? And
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that's the thing you can have a better ending story than. Well,
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now I regret it. I wish I had I wish I hadn't right. So things
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we can't do anything about, things we can do something
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about, and then ones we can prevent, things that we can
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prevent. And so this is an opportunity to just, I'm going
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to keep it simple, right, just amending it. I'm ending the
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podcast right now. But just ask yourself, you know, are there
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some things in my life that I've wanted to do that I know that I
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need to do some apologies, I need to make profess my love,
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like start a business, whatever the thing is, right? Only you
17:42
can prevent future regret, so it's got to be on you. But
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that's a powerful thing. So I hope this has been helpful to
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you in some way, when you think about these different kinds of
17:52
regrets. And I hope you're writing a beautiful ending to
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your own story, right? You are the author. You are the author
17:58
of your own life story. And certainly, there are a lot of
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chapters, and there are a lot of plot twists and things that
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happen, awful things sometimes that we can't prevent. Not
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everything is preventable, but the things that we can prevent,
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like, why not? Why not get in front of it? As Jesse says, why
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not do something about it? So this is my little love letter
18:17
from my hat to yours. I hope it's helpful in some way, and I
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hope you're hanging in out there, right? It's it's tough
18:22
time to be a human like being human, I just said to somebody
18:25
the other day, this being human is so fucking hard sometimes,
18:28
and there's a lot going on in the world, but just know that I
18:32
am beaming love. I am blasting love from my heart to yours, and
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I hope you can feel it coming your way, and that you know that
18:39
you're not alone in all of this, and you know that there's people
18:43
around you, and people maybe you have never even met yet in real
18:47
life, that actually care about you. So wherever you go out in
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the world you guys, may you leave yourself and the people
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and the animals and the places and the planet better than how
18:57
you found them wherever you go, may you and your love and your
19:02
energy and your presence be a blessing. Bye. Hey. Thanks so
19:07
much for listening to the show. I really love spending some time
19:11
together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could
19:14
benefit from this episode, please share it with them and
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help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to
19:21
be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on
19:25
over to Karen kenney.com/sign, up and join my list. It'll be
19:31
wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye. You.