Latest / Ryan's Journal / When the Tape Recorder Becomes a Weapon

Transcript

When the Tape Recorder Becomes a Weapon · Ryan's Journal

• 0:03
  The very first fucking words out of his mouth when he replayed our round table were
• 0:06
  literally, fuck you, Debbie.
• 0:15
  Direct hit!
• 0:16
  Zero hesitation, man, Right just at my pure throat, unfiltered venom because right
• 0:19
  at I your told throat!
• 0:19
  him the stone cold truth.
• 0:21
  I told him he was treating Sadie like a piece of used furniture.
• 0:25
  And he sits alone in his room, totally wound up in knots, screaming into his voice
• 0:29
  recorder about how insulted he is.
• 0:32
  Wait, but look at his defense!
• 0:33
  His defense makes my jaw drop every time.
• 0:36
  He goes, fuck you Debbie, I gave her countless compliments in my journals!
• 0:40
  Hours of phone recordings talking about Rockwell City!
• 0:44
  As if a voice memo on an iPhone is legal currency!
• 0:47
  In his mind, hoarding compliments in a digital graveyard means he showed up for the
• 0:50
  relationship.
• 0:51
  That is absolute insanity.
• 0:53
  Bro, unexpressed compliments do not pay the fucking rent!
• 0:57
  She is not psychic!
• 0:58
  She cannot tap into your hard drive and hear you praising her while she is trying to
• 1:02
  live her life!
• 1:03
  And then comes the scary part.
• 1:05
  The complete obliteration of boundaries.
• 1:07
  Sadie ghosted him.
• 1:09
  She hung up when Susan called.
• 1:11
  She rejected his gift cards.
• 1:13
  That is a giant red siren screaming get the hell away from me.
• 1:17
  And what does he conclude?
• 1:19
  He says, well, maybe I gave up too easy.
• 1:21
  I should just send her my voice journals anyway, whether she likes it or not.
• 1:24
  Hell no!
• 1:25
  Whether she likes it or not?
• 1:27
  Are you shitting me?
• 1:28
  That is not emotional expression, that is straight stalking behavior!
• 1:33
  You do not dump your raw psychological baggage onto someone who blocked your number!
• 1:37
  Because he thinks his feelings are so sacred that they override her right to be left
• 1:41
  alone.
• 1:42
  It is grotesque entitlement disguised as sensitive artistic vulnerability.
• 1:47
  Now, credit where it is due, after he finished cursing my name,
• 1:52
  something actually sank in.
• 1:54
  He admitted I nailed him on the price of his silence.
• 1:57
  The imaginary lover trap.
• 1:58
  Keeping Jason locked in his fantasy head space so he never has to risk a real
• 2:02
  conversation.
• 2:03
  Exactly.
• 2:04
  He turns Jason into a puppet where it is safe and controllable.
• 2:08
  He never steps up man to man.
• 2:10
  He stays dead silent about his physical attraction, but the silence festers and rots
• 2:15
  him from the inside out.
• 2:16
  And the craziest, most unhinged part for me?
• 2:19
  When he explains why he stays silent!
• 2:21
  He says he is terrified Jason will call him queer, terrified Scott will call him
• 2:25
  queer, and then he drags my name into the dirt!
• 2:27
  He literally said he was afraid you would call him a faggot.
• 2:30
  Bro, what the actual fuck?
• 2:32
  You invent me as this phantom homophobic monster in your head just to rationalize
• 2:37
  locking yourself in the closet!
• 2:38
  I sing pop songs about love and healing, man, and you have me spitting slurs at you
• 2:42
  in your dark bedroom!
• 2:44
  Come on!
• 2:44
  It is a convenient fiction, Justin.
• 2:47
  If the whole outside world is a violent homophobic mob, then hiding in his bedroom
• 2:52
  talking to a microphone looks like heroic self defense instead of pure cowardice.
• 2:56
  And you hear how that wound started.
• 2:58
  When he lived with Scott, crying in the background, choking back tears while Scott
• 3:02
  chipped away at him.
• 3:04
  He ate all that cruelty because he had a massive crush and thought staying silent
• 3:09
  would keep the peace.
• 3:11
  Total appeasement.
• 3:12
  You swallow the insult, you paste a fake smile on your face,
• 3:15
  and you tell yourself everything is fine while you are being eaten alive.
• 3:19
  That is the exact bill he refuses to pay.
• 3:21
  And then, right when he is trying to act like this deep, self aware philosopher,
• 3:26
  the wheels fly completely off the track.
• 3:28
  It hits eleven at night, and a car horn honks outside.
• 3:32
  Oh god, the Mick Jagger meltdown!
• 3:33
  He completely lost his fucking shit!
• 3:35
  Shut the fuck up!
• 3:36
  Shut your fucking mouth, Mick Jagger!
• 3:38
  Fucking Honky Tonk Women!
• 3:39
  He went berserk!
• 3:40
  It is total sensory collapse.
• 3:42
  His nervous system is so frayed from chronic paranoia and sleeplessness that a
• 3:47
  random driver tapping their horn turns into Mick Jagger deliberately harassing him
• 3:52
  through his window!
• 3:53
  He started dragging Keith Richards and Keith Gaffney into it!
• 3:57
  Screaming about leaf blowers and Three is Company!
• 3:59
  It was an absolute circus!
• 4:01
  Because the real world refuses to read his script.
• 4:04
  Inside his voice recorder, he controls everything.
• 4:07
  But outside, Sadie hangs up, people honk their horns, and life does not give a damn
• 4:12
  about his fragile monologues.
• 4:13
  You can spend a lifetime hiding inside your head, but the second you crack open the
• 4:18
  window, reality will honk right through your bullshit.
• 4:21
  One hundred percent.
• 4:23
  Shut the recorder off, face the music, and grow the hell up.