Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #781 Parental Guidance Week 1 - Swimming, Smacking & Suffering

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#781 Parental Guidance Week 1 - Swimming, Smacking & Suffering · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: answers now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Hello.
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  Speaker 4: This is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families
• 0:13
  Speaker 4: dot com dot Au and the pairenting expert on the
• 0:17
  Speaker 4: amazing hit TV show that hopefully you've been getting a
• 0:20
  Speaker 4: big dose.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Of over the last couple of days on Channel nine.
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: It's called Parental Guidance.
• 0:25
  Speaker 4: If you haven't checked it out and you are in Australia,
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: you can see it on catch Up on the nine
• 0:29
  Speaker 4: Now app or on your TV with Catchup TV if
• 0:32
  Speaker 4: you're overseas. We're doing our very best to give you
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: a good sense of what's going on by playing lots
• 0:36
  Speaker 4: of audio, by providing a whole lot of additional context
• 0:39
  Speaker 4: so that it all makes sense today, because there was
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: so much that happened in episodes one and two, and
• 0:46
  Speaker 4: because episode three isn't until next week, Kylie, you and
• 0:49
  Speaker 4: I are going to dissects and pallor part a handful
• 0:52
  Speaker 4: of other things that we just didn't get to talk
• 0:53
  Speaker 4: about over the last two days because an it's an
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  Speaker 4: action packed show.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, well, we've got lots to talk about so much
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  Speaker 2: see four points on your page.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and you've got like twelve on yours, so dive
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  Speaker 4: into it. Where do you want to start.
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  Speaker 2: Let's start with the lighthouse parents and letting their kids
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  Speaker 2: swim between the flags while they sit on the deck
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  Speaker 2: and at their house.
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  Speaker 5: We are literally on the beach, so the beach has
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  Speaker 5: become our backyard chase.
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  Speaker 3: Can you see the kids, let's going for a swim
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  Speaker 3: between the flags. It's okay.
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  Speaker 5: So we are out numbered, so we can't focus all
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  Speaker 5: our attention on each individual kid, which means we have
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  Speaker 5: to let the other kids have their own freedom in
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  Speaker 5: their own space. So we're happy for the two older
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  Speaker 5: ones to go swimming by themselves.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, So this blew up. This blew up on social media,
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  Speaker 4: This blew up in the room, This blew up even
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  Speaker 4: when we'd finished filming. I walked out of the studio
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  Speaker 4: and Ali came chasing after me, saying, we need to
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  Speaker 4: talk about this.
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  Speaker 3: This is not okay. Are you okay with what just happened?
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  Speaker 3: You're okay with what we just saw? Like this was
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  Speaker 3: this was a.
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  Speaker 4: Big moment, and I have to be really clear like
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  Speaker 4: I was yesterday with David and Tenci, the Outback parents,
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  Speaker 4: Sammy and Jason, and you can tell by the way
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  Speaker 4: they've raised those kids they are a great family. But
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: this thing just went nuts.
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  Speaker 2: You know what stands out to me the most the
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  Speaker 2: more I watch this is just the fact that everyone
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: has an opinion about how you do things.
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  Speaker 3: Everything.
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  Speaker 2: Everything. You're either too soft, you're too hard, you're too liberal, you.
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  Speaker 3: Too you're too present, you're too absent, you're too control,
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  Speaker 3: you too all.
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  Speaker 2: Everyone has an opinion, and so we're adding to that
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  Speaker 2: because we have an opinion.
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  Speaker 3: We have opinions too.
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  Speaker 2: But it's no wonder as parents we're so hard on ourselves. Yesh, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: because everywhere we turn, somebody's got an opinion about how
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  Speaker 2: we're doing it and whether we're doing it right or wrong.
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  Speaker 3: I need to talk about this swimming issue. Now.
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  Speaker 4: This is not a parenting issue, Okay, this is just
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  Speaker 4: a just a life thing. When it comes to kids
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  Speaker 4: and water safety, we have got to be present.
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  Speaker 2: There has to be context. We're having a conversation about
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  Speaker 2: a nine year old and a six year old taking
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  Speaker 2: her six year old brother into the ocean unattended.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so context.
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  Speaker 4: They're strong swimmers, they've done nippers, they're familiar with the ocean.
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  Speaker 2: Pepper was amazing.
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  Speaker 4: She read Mum and dad have stood there next to
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  Speaker 4: the sign and said, what are we up against?
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  Speaker 3: How BIG's the surf? Which way?
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  Speaker 2: Sand Pepper literally read it on her own direct She
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  Speaker 2: deciphered it, yes, like she absolutely knew where the car was,
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  Speaker 2: where she needed to go, where was saved, like she
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  Speaker 2: is savvy.
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  Speaker 3: Right, And then they're in the water and they're in
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  Speaker 3: the flags.
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  Speaker 4: I'm sure that every surf life saver around Australia just
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  Speaker 4: threw their hands up and said, we're not the babysitters.
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  Speaker 3: I'm sure that that happened.
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  Speaker 4: You were saying context nine and six year old, But
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  Speaker 4: I just wanted to highlight that that nine year old
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  Speaker 4: has been given a really thorough understanding of how the
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  Speaker 4: ocean works.
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  Speaker 3: But is it enough.
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  Speaker 2: We have a family friend who, as a young child
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  Speaker 2: was in the bath with his younger brother who while
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  Speaker 2: they were playing, hit his head on the water spout.
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  Speaker 3: So there was just two d two little kids.
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  Speaker 2: Just playing, hit his head on the water spout, went
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  Speaker 2: under and drowned. And that family friend has lived his
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  Speaker 2: entire life feeling he was responsible for his I'm gonna
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  Speaker 2: cry for his younger brother's death, but it was not
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  Speaker 2: his responsibility. And so Pepper is this amazing kid. I
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  Speaker 2: can see.
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  Speaker 3: She's just spot on.
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  Speaker 2: She is mature, she gets it, and she is brilliant.
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  Speaker 2: And yet the weight that she carries as a nine
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  Speaker 2: year old is actually not her weight to carry. And
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  Speaker 2: that's the hard thing. And I'm speaking from personal experience,
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  Speaker 2: being the eldest in my family and from the time
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  Speaker 2: I was pretty much six, I played the second mum
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  Speaker 2: in the house, and the weight of that I didn't
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  Speaker 2: recognize until I was much much older. It is a
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  Speaker 2: heavy burden to place on a child. And so where
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  Speaker 2: do you draw the line in helping your children to
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  Speaker 2: be responsible and to learn autonomy and independence without placing
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  Speaker 2: that level of burden.
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  Speaker 4: I'm a surfer and have been since I was an
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  Speaker 4: early teenager. I know the ocean really, really well. I
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  Speaker 4: spend so much time in the ocean, and we've taught
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  Speaker 4: our kids how the ocean works. I've spent a lot
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  Speaker 4: of time on the beach teaching them how it works.
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  Speaker 4: I think that Sammy and Jason were probably having been
• 5:41
  Speaker 4: on the show and experience the response after that episode,
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  Speaker 4: they will never let their kids swim at the beach
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  Speaker 4: without supervision. Again, I truly believe that, and I think
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  Speaker 4: every family who watched it would probably feel the same way.
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  Speaker 4: When we take the kids to the beach, we don't
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  Speaker 4: have our eye on all of them all the time
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  Speaker 4: once they're older, but they always they're swinging the flags,
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  Speaker 4: and they always know that I am standing knee deep
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  Speaker 4: in water watching and I keep my eye on the
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  Speaker 4: youngest kids at all times.
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  Speaker 2: The comment that really stood out to me the most
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  Speaker 2: was that the ocean can change, and if you're on
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  Speaker 2: the balcony and there's a shift, you're not close enough
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  Speaker 2: to be of any help should your child get in
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  Speaker 2: danger by.
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  Speaker 4: The time you run through the door, down the stairs
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  Speaker 4: and try and just reorient yourself on the beach. Yeah,
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  Speaker 4: Leanne team mum, she nailed it.
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  Speaker 3: Have you ever seen a child drown It's silent when
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  Speaker 3: they're drowning. You actually can't hear them yelling for help.
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  Speaker 4: We've spoken on the podcast before about my cousin when
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: he was just two years old, he slipped into the
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: pool at my house, mum and Dad's house when we're
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  Speaker 4: having a family barbecue, and nobody knew and fortunately after
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  Speaker 4: he'd been on the bottom of the pool for I
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  Speaker 4: don't know, thirty seconds a minute. Somebody saw him and
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  Speaker 4: we'd pulled him out and he coughed up water and.
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  Speaker 3: He was almost it was almost too late. Drowning is silent.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we've had the same experience. Kids are all in
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  Speaker 2: the pool playing and one of our children is starting
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  Speaker 2: to go under and there was no noise, and it
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  Speaker 2: just happened that we had our backs to the pool,
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  Speaker 2: turned around and you saw what was going on. The
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  Speaker 2: reality is the concept of somebody drowning is noisy, and
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  Speaker 2: yet it's not, and that we've just we've got to
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  Speaker 2: be vigilant.
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  Speaker 3: Just watch your kids and keep water safety up. So
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  Speaker 3: that was the first thing.
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  Speaker 4: We have many more things to talk about from the show.
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  Speaker 2: So one of the huge har moments for me was
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  Speaker 2: when my gentle parents were being questioned for their softer approach.
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  Speaker 2: I see no respect, I see no discipline.
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  Speaker 3: Mate.
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  Speaker 2: If any of my kids struck at me, that's not okay.
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  Speaker 3: They really came in for a pretty tough time.
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  Speaker 4: And I'm going to say this sometimes when you watch
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  Speaker 4: gentle parenting, especially when you see it on a TV,
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  Speaker 4: oh my goodness, it looks like hard work, particularly when
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: the edit comes up like that. I mean, gentle parenting
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  Speaker 4: does and can be really really hard when you can
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  Speaker 4: having those big emotions.
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  Speaker 3: Do you understand next to momma instead?
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  Speaker 5: No, no, no, no, it's not time for rolling down
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  Speaker 5: the head.
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  Speaker 1: However, dear, I'm just going to come sit with you. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: what is it that you know we're not going to
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  Speaker 1: be hitting.
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  Speaker 2: One of the things that you have been very explicit
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  Speaker 2: about over the years is we've kind of gone through
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  Speaker 2: this process of understanding and learning how we might best
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  Speaker 2: parent our children. Is just the fact that you're in
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  Speaker 2: for the long haul. Gentle parenting or autonomy, supportive or
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  Speaker 2: need supportive parenting is not going to give you instant
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  Speaker 2: results the way other parenting styles might. And as a result,
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  Speaker 2: like you said, the gentle parents are really coming across
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  Speaker 2: at times as being too soft.
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  Speaker 3: The photographer's there for you, Yeah, absolutely right.
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  Speaker 1: So in that situation, it's time for the kids to
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  Speaker 1: behave so that photographer can get his work done and
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  Speaker 1: you can move on.
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  Speaker 3: With the day.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: There was a moment in the show where they shared
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  Speaker 2: this family is everything to us, would you like to
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: sit and have a cuddle.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: So we had a really difficult start to our family.
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  Speaker 1: Our first child, Ariela, died just before she was born,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and it was unexpected, it was unexplained, and it's pretty
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: much impacted everything having experienced the death of a child.
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  Speaker 1: You know, we might say I can't imagine my life
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  Speaker 1: without you, but actually we can. And it's a pretty
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  Speaker 1: harrid place.
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  Speaker 2: So it changes everything. It literally changes everything.
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  Speaker 3: You're making me all weeping.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: You go from feeling frustrated because you're up again for
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: the fifteenth time in the night because your child won't sleep,
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: to the realization that these parents have experienced wanting desperately
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: to wake up to a child that isn't there.
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  Speaker 3: Just so hard.
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  Speaker 2: So the thing that stands out to me the most
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: is we have no idea in any given moment what
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: any parent is carrying or dealing with in their life,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: and we just need to be softer on each other. Yeah,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: less judgment, Like so much softer on each other.
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: Other things to talk about from the show, A handful
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: of other things that popped up. We didn't talk about
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  Speaker 4: this yesterday with the outback parents and the face of
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: fears and the lack of emotion coaching. Yeah, when they
• 10:48
  Speaker 4: had the little guy who just did not want to
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: jump off that high place. The reason we didn't talk
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: about it, and we got some correspondence about it, which
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: is why I'm just addressing it quickly here. We didn't
• 10:57
  Speaker 4: talk about it because next week, in episode three, we
• 11:01
  Speaker 4: are going to talk about it big time. It's going
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  Speaker 4: to be a really really big part of what's coming
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  Speaker 4: because they're not the only family that struggle with it,
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  Speaker 4: and we want to.
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  Speaker 3: Really dive into the nitty gritty of this. Come on,
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  Speaker 3: let me do it now.
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  Speaker 5: No, lor.
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  Speaker 2: The lack of emotion coaching gives me the real old
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  Speaker 2: school parenting vibes, right how I was brought up, and
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure that my parents' parents, my parents were brought
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: up like that, and so were their parents, you know,
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: just that whole sense of let's just get on with things.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: We don't need to deal with their stop crying. So
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I'm looking forward to our conversation next week.
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: It's going to be such a good conversation, Like truly,
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  Speaker 4: it's one of my favorite parts from the entire series,
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: and it's happening next week. Other observations, I mean, I'm
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: kind of oh, there was this from our back parents.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Some people don't like smacking, but if we have to,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: then we won't hesitate to give the boy.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: The Smack's a good slack, one that you can hear
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: and feel. Yeah.
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: Ouch, Do you mean because of the smack or because
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: of the compos Yeah, I know so.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: I think my parents would have said with a wooden spoon.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: But yeah, I made it really clear in season one.
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  Speaker 4: To be honest, maybe I took too long to say
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: it in season two when we did all the filming
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: for it. But if it didn't come out clearly enough
• 12:22
  Speaker 4: in the episode, let me say it really clearly now.
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: There is not a not a little bit, not any
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: evidence at all that there are a short time or
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: long term benefits to smacking your kids. You don't need
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: to smack your kids. There's no reason for smacking your kids.
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: The research or points away from smacking your kids. I
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: will never, ever, ever endorse smacking of kids. I reject
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: it fundamentally and entirely. If you've done it, I'm not
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: putting the guilt trip on you. Everyone makes mistakes. That's parenting.
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: It's really hard. But we've got to do better. We've
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: got to stop smacking our kids. Sixty five countries or
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: more an now around the world of banned smacking of kids.
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: We are not doing it yet. We're not there yet,
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: but we need to be. We've got to find better
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: ways to deal with challenging situations other than whacking the kids.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: It's one thing to slip up from time to time,
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: because because we're all humans, it's another thing to believe
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: that this is an appropriate.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: Way, not just appropriate, but necessary. Yeah, okay, well that's
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: everything that's on my list. Do you feel like we've
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: covered what's on yours or do.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: You I think we've done a great shob such.
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: A great show.
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: Next week, Parental Guidance returns to Channel nine. For those
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: of you who are in Australia, you can check it
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: out Monday night and Tuesday night at seven point thirty,
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: or you can catch up on the nine Now app
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: if you're overseas. We're doing our best to get you
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: as much information about it as we can, because it's
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: an absolute cracker of a show that makes us really
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: think about our parenting and how we can be better, mum's,
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: dad's care, as grandparents.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: The whole lot.
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: We are so grateful for the incredible work of the
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: marvelous Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, who is doing. It's
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: just an amazing job with the production this week of
• 13:51
  Speaker 4: the podcast.
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: Thank you Jr. For what you're doing.
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. And if you want
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: more information about parental guidance just find it on the
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: Channel nine website.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: Well, if you're enjoying the show, let us know.
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: I'll let us know podcasts at happy families dot com
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: dot you. Yeah, we really want your feedback.
• 14:05
  Speaker 4: Let us know what you think about the show, about
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: the podcast, and check out more at our Facebook page
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families