Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Minisode: Both Ends with Chelsea + Catherine

Transcript

Minisode: Both Ends with Chelsea + Catherine · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: How are you well?
• 0:04
  Speaker 3: I almost died this weekend? Oh my god, A couple
• 0:06
  Speaker 3: of times.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: What happened? Well?
• 0:08
  Speaker 3: I had a whirlwind weekend, A whirlwind week I went
• 0:11
  Speaker 3: to New York. I shot an ad campaign that I'm
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: pretty excited about, had a couple of fun nights out,
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: very innocent as usual, always innocent with me, you know.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Of course, I saw lots of friends. It was really joyful.
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: Then I flew to Vegas. I had to show my
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: show at the Cosmo. I had about seventeen twenty friends
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: that came out for that, all Randos, some from Martha's Vineyards,
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: some from la some from Vermont, some from Portland, some
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: from England.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: We all went out. That was not an innocent night.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: We went out.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: That's in Vegas, of course.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: It was one of my favorite shows so far in Vegas.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I love this residency. It's been so joyful. And you know,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: I'm not that.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: Big of a fan of Vegas, I have to be honest.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: But when they offered it, he said it was the
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: Chelsea Theater at the you know, I just can't have yes. Yeah,
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: And it's turned into such a fun thing because so
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: many of my friends come out and we gambled after
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: And you know, when I gamble, I give everyone money
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: because I don't want anyone to think that they have
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: to gamble. I just want them. I want them to
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: know they do have to gamble, but they're going to
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: gamble with my money.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: We all won. We all won money.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: I walked away with eleven hundred dollars of my own money.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: Fabulous.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: And then we went out dancing. This was a mistake.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: We went out dancing till four o'clock in the morning,
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: and then I got home at four. My friend Sophie
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: got into my bed with me, and at around five
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: forty five am, my cousin Molly walked in and said,
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: it's time to get in the car. Your flight back
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: to Vancouver is at seven forty and I said, yes,
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: I was aware of this, but of course had you know?
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: I was asleep. So I got up, I went in
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: the car. I flew to Vegas. I mean sorry, I
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: flew from Vegas to Vancouver. Luckily, no one was on
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: the plane because Canadians don't want to come to America anymore,
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: so there's no one going back since they're all getting
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: fucking detained. And I flew and I got in the car.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: Had to go pick up Doug from my friend Cynthia's house.
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: Then I drove from Vancouver to Whistler, which is like
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: a two hour drive. I got my first Canadian speeding ticket. Yep,
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: because that's how quickly I was just dying, trying to
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: make it an hour and a half, dying to get
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: back into my bed, just dying to go to sleep.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, begging. I got home.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: The woman with the police officer was very nice. She
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: gave me a reduction for absolutely no reason. I don't
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: know if you think she knew who I was. And
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: I got home, I fell asleep.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I was like, let me.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: My friends were staying at my house that live in Vancouver.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: Sometimes friends come up for the weekend and stay here
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: when I'm out here. And I said, They said, okay,
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: well we'll leave you alone.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: You're tired.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: I said, no, no, I just need a couple of
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: hours of sleep and then we can all go to
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: dinner at sushi.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I had a couple hours of sleep. I woke up.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel great, obviously, but I felt.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Like okay, like jet laggy, tired, not jet laggy, just hungover,
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: but like I could rally.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: It's just yeah.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: I got home from sushi, probably one of the best
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: meals I've ever had, at two o'clock in the morning.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: I was like, something's off.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: And you know when you're feeling nauseated and you go
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: to your right and then you go to your left,
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: anything but your back right.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And then from two am to.
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: Nine am, no, I vomited probably sixteen times, had explosive diarrhea,
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: not only in the toilet. I was so sick and
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: I and my friend Yanica was in my bedroom and
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: her son Calvin was there too. Calvin you could check
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: out on my Instagram. He's always represented. He's fourteen. And
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: I was.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I was so sick.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: I haven't had food poisoning in years, and I haven't
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: thrown up in years.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I mean the cramps, the fever, the chills, the diarrhea,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: the vomiting.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: I thought I was gonna have to go to the hospital,
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: and then yeah, what's that the Whistler Hospital, Like it's
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: like a clinic.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I'm like, they're not gonna be able to even save me.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: They're there for like ankle breaks and stuff exactly.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: And I couldn't even bring myself to call for yanica.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: That's how weak I write.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: So finally, like it's I was up from two to
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: nine am. Finally when I heard her, I was like,
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: Yanna ka And she came and She's like, oh my god,
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: oh my god. I'm like, oh my god, I need
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: an IV, I need an ivy. My kidneys were like throbbing, throbbing, throbbing.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: This was yesterday morning, and I was in such Finally
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: I would take a sip of ginger ale and just
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: throw it up thirty yea, so thirsty that I was
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: like I have to just like like switch it around
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: my mouth at least like something.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: And then finally I was like, can you g just
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: is there are there are there any cokes upstairs? Are
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: there any cokes?
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: And and she got brought me a coke and then
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: everything changed. I stopped throwing it brought you back to life.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: It just made me no, not to life. I'm still
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: not back to life. I mean, I feel like somebody
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: took two sling shots and shot them right into my kidneys.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I got a.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: Leader IV last night bed the nurse came over my
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: friend's in Whistler. Somebody, my doctor friend got me an
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: ivy bag and I mean I couldn't move. I couldn't
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: I can't even stand upstream yet because my kidneys are
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: so shot.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Oh my god. And this was like two days ago.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: This was Saturday.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: This was Saturday night.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: God, and we're recording on Monday. That is nuts. Oh
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: my god.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I honestly, that really through me. I've never been that sick.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Oh my god. Do you think it was the sushi
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: or was it something marinating from Ashi?
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: Because I looked up I goause they didn't get sick,
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: and I was like, is there how do you know
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: the difference between a twenty four hour virus, yeah, and
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: food poisoning. And when I looked it up on the internet,
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: They're like, there is no such thing as a twenty
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: four hour food virus. Like twenty four hour virus, Like
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: no virus goes in and out of your body in
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: twenty four hours, Right, it's food poisoning. I mean I
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: felt like I was being attacked.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: Truly, Like it's like that moment where you're laying on
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: the floor of the bathroom just to feel something cool
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: against your face, and like, I don't know about you,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: but when I'm that sick and it's coming out of
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: all ends. I'm just like usually naked because you're like
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: sweating but you're shivering.
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, my bra was over my boobs, Like the
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: under part of my boobs was like completely out, and
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: my bra had like slipped up from throwing up so
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: much in the toilet. Yeah, and then having to turn
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: around when it was coming out of my butt and
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: then going into the waste basket. I had a waste basket.
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: You held a vomit next to my bed. I mean,
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: it was the most disgusting night of my life.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: You know what? You actually bring up one of the
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: major like disagreements in my marriage, which is I say
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: that when you're sick and you have to vomit for
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: one out blown see, I actually want someone to pat
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: my back. But like the it's the waste basket of
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: it all, because Brad is like, we'll just make it
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: to the toilet, Like you can't always make it to
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: the toilet.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: You can't always make it to the toilet. I just
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: gave up at some point and brought the waste basket
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: out towards my bed, which is actually something I've never
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: done because I used to.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Seve to to do that too.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: Wearing it, like bringing it to the getting to the toilet,
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: Like I've never not made it to the toilet, but
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: this one was like I was too weak to keep
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: getting up and going to the toilet.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Now I had to have my ba my thing.
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: But the muscles that you use to contract to vomit
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: when you're throwing up bile.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I mean, this is just getting everyone off to a
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: great week.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: I just hopefully this is on a Monday or whenever
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: we drop our minisodes, but I want this is a
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: journal entry.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm so sorry you got so sick.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Or have you even eaten anything since then?
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: Or had a bagel this morning with some butter, But
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: I hadn't eaten anything yesterday. I got my V I'm
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: getting another IV as soon as I get home tonight.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: And my life is insane.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: I mean, obviously, if I hadn't been out till four
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: o'clock in the morning, I doubt that food poisoning would
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: have been as.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Bad as it was.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: Had the choke hold it did on you.
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't have been so already in a state of
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: dehydration and like, you know, weakness, But you know, I'll
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: never learn. My life is constantly just one big shit show.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm so glad you're on the mend
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: and I'm so sorry that absolutely sucks.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: An update.
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: I decided to leave Doug in Canada because he's so
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: happy here.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Everyone who sends me these pictures. My friend Cynthia has him.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: She goes on runs through the woods in the forest
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: and bike rides through the woods and forest, and Doug
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: just follows her. And I was like, you know what,
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: it's nicer to leave him here than to bring him
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: back to Ma Bell's apartment where she doesn't have air conditioning.
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: And he's going to be when I go to Europe
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: on all of my tours. So I was like, is
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: there any way you would want to keep Doug until
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: I get back from Europe?
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: And she was like absolutely, So he's going to.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Stay, like for a little bit of the summer while you're.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: He's going to stay. He's going to stay for the
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: month of June.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, June.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: This was your happy place. Turns out it's your sons happy.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Place as well. I love my baby so much.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's such a good boy.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: And you know what was cute.
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: He was coming up on the bed trying to check
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: on me yesterday when my friend Yonica came in, but
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: I didn't even have the strength of pet him, you know. Yeah,
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: and he was like sniffing around because he was like,
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: why does it smell like vomit and diarrhea? And here
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: does she smell so bad? And I was just like
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: I can't. She's like, Doug, come on, come on, and
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: he was trying to check on me. It was really cute.
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: But yes, anyway, I'll be in Vegas. The next date
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: will be July fifth, that'll before the July weekend. Yamnika
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: will be opening for me, so that's very exciting and
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: uh yeah, you can check my dates for Vegas coming
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: up and all my dates in Europe.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I'm coming. Go to Chelsea Hendler dot com for all
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: other dates in Europe.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and for that July fifth date, Yaminika, we just
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: recorded with her that won't be out yet by the
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: time this comes out, but she's so hysterical. You two
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: have a hilarious rapport, so it's going to be a
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: super super good time. Yeah.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she's pretty ridiculous.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and we'll hopefully have her on some upcoming minisodes too. Yeah.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: Okay, thanks for listening, guys, We'll see you later. Do
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: Do Do Do Do Do, drum roll Catherine please And
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: abroad broad is my European tour.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: I need to get the health out of this fucking country.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: coming to the UK. I'm coming to.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow,
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin,
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: I know I want to go see me abroad and
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: there all be there, all be excellent. Okay. My remaining
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for this year.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: Summertime is coming and I will be in Vegas at
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: We will be the next.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: Date that I'm there, July fifth, August thirtieth, and then
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: November one and twenty ninth. November first and November twenty ninth,
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: Inside Myself at the Chelsea.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: thank you.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: producer Katherine law And be sure to check out our
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: merch at Chelseahandler dot com.