Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 207: Indecision, The Motivational Triad, and How to Get Unstuck (The Spice Girl Episode)

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207: Indecision, The Motivational Triad, and How to Get Unstuck (The Spice Girl Episode) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people and recovering people pleasers, learn how, identify what their needs are so that they can be met.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: And today we're gonna be talking about something that many people don't even realize that they're doing.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: They're remaining in indie decision.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: But here's the truth is indecision is actually a decision.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Many people tell themselves that, well, I just haven't made up a decision yet.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: So they might see things like, well, I'm still thinking about it.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: I'm not sure what I want yet.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: I'll make change after I have things all figured out.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: But sometimes months go by, or maybe even years go by, and they're still in the same place.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: They haven't moved forward.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: They haven't stepped away.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: They're just kind of stuck in the middle.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: But here's the thing that most people don't realize.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: When you remain an indecision, you are still making a decision.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: You're essentially deciding to keep things exactly the way that they are.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: So let's talk about a few of the spaces that this shows up.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: And we'll start with relationships because this is where a lot of indecision shows up.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: So somebody might be asking themselves questions like, well, is this person the one, should I stay in this relationship?
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Should we move forward together, or should we go our separate ways?
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: They stay in uncertainty.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: And they keep telling themselves, well, I just need more time to figure this out.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: But when you remain in indecision in a relationship, you're actually choosing to allow things to continue to go along exactly as they are.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: You're not moving forward and you're not stepping away.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: And so essentially you are choosing this new status quo.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: And the problem with that is staying in the status quo...
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: it rarely creates feelings of commitment, clarity, or security.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: In fact, more often than not, it's actually going to be creating more uncertainty for you.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: Because you're just gonna remain in the wondering.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: You're gonna remain in the analyzing, and you remain in that, well, maybe someday things will change.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: And so sometimes people, they stay in relationships hoping that the other person is going to change.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: However, staying in the relationship and remaining in indecision, it's actually a decision to remain in that relationship even if things don't change, and that's a really important realization because once you understand that, then it helps you to start asking better questions.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: So then you're able to ask questions like, what do I actually want in relationship?
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: What timeline do I want for building a life with somebody?
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: What standards matter most to me?
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: What are my red and green flags, and am I actually treating them as red and green flags?
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Clarity starts to appear when we stop pretending that indecision is just some neutral thing and that things will eventually get better.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Indecision keeps things the same.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: It keeps you stuck, and it is a choice to stay exactly where you're at.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: Now let's talk about another area where indecision shows up a lot, and that's around career choices.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Maybe you're early in your career and you're trying to figure out what direction to take, or maybe you've been working at a job for a few years and you feel like it isn't right anymore.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Maybe you're wondering if you should go back to school and get a new degree.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: You might be thinking, well, I don't know if I should change careers.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I should go back to school.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: I don't know if this is the right time for me to make change, and so you stay exactly where you're at.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: But again, indecision is still a decision.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: It's a decision to keep your current situation going.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: And one thought that keeps people stuck is this, well, I'm too old to make change.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: Or it would take too long.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Maybe going back to school would take four years.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: Or maybe changing careers would require learning a new skillset.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: And so when that's the truth, then your brain might immediately jump to, Nope, that's too much work.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: But here's a question I like to ask my clients.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: How old will you be four years from now if you don't go to school?
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: How old will you be four years from now if you do go to school?
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Either way, you're still going to be four years older.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: Time is going to pass either way.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: The only question is what you decide to do with the time that you have.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Four years from now then you could still be stuck in the same job feeling miserable or you could be four years into building something that really actually excites you.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: Indecision it does not stop time.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: It just determines where you will be when the time passes.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Now let's talk about one more area where indecision really shows up and that's around personal health.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: So maybe you've been thinking, well, I should probably call a doctor and get that checked out, but you keep putting it off.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you've been thinking, okay, well I really should start exercising.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: I.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: But then the questions start piling up.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: You're wondering, well, what gym should I go to?
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: What workouts should I do?
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: What diet plan should I follow?
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: And then suddenly, then that uncertainty, it feels really overwhelming.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: We confuse ourself with all of the options.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: And so then what do you do?
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: Generally, nothing.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: So again, indecision it becomes a decision.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: The decision to keep doing what it is that you've been doing.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: And over time, then those small decisions really do add up.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: And they shape your health.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: They shape your energy levels, and they shape how it is that you feel about your own body.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Now, here is a really important thing to know is if you find yourself stuck in indecision, I want you to hear this part very clearly, okay?
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: Nothing's wrong with you.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: In fact, your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: And this kind of brings us to something I wanna talk about called the motivational triad.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: Your brain is motivated by three things.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: It is motivated by avoiding pain.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: It is motivated by seeking pleasure, and it is motivated by saving energy.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: This means that if you're struggling to make the changes that you wanna make, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with you.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: It just mean that your brain is working the way it's designed to do, and your motivational triad is an overdrive right now.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: That's what's driving all of your decision making.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Because your brain is designed to avoid pain, of course, you're not going to want to work out, of course, you're not gonna wanna have that hard conversation to create change.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're not gonna wanna start a new career.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're not gonna want to learn how to do something new because that sounds like work, and it sounds uncomfortable.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: Because your brain is wired to seek pleasure.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're going to eat those cookies instead of making a salad.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're going to want to scroll online and get that quick dopamine hit.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're going to want to bail on the work and just go play instead.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: Because your brain wants to save energy, of course, you're going to want to take a nap instead of workout.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're gonna wanna just throw things in the drawer haphazardly instead of actually organizing your stuff.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're going to want to talk yourself out of doing the actual work because oh my goodness, that sounds exhausting and I want to save energy, right?
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: So nothing is wrong with you if this is how you're showing up.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: Your brain is just working in the way it's supposed to, but it is also keeping you stuck.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: When your brain sees something that might be uncomfortable, it immediately tries to avoid it.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Your brain will say, Ugh, that sounds hard.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: That sounds uncomfortable.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: No.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Nope.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: No, no.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: Let's not do that right?
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: Because your brain wants to avoid pain.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: So instead of doing something challenging, like preparing a healthy meal, then your brain's gonna say something like, no, let's just eat cookies Instead, let's hit the drive-through.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Let's scroll on our phone.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: Let's watch another episode.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: A quick dopamine hit is always going to win in the moment because your brain wants pleasure.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: And again, your brain also wants to save energy.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: So organizing your house or starting a new workout or researching a career change, all of that can feel really exhausting.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Your brain wants to say, no, no, no.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Let's please just rest instead.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: And again, when that happens, nothing is wrong with you.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Your brain is just doing its job.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: But if we're not careful, then that motivational triad is just gonna keep us stuck.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: So something I wanna point out to you about your brain is that there's two different parts.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: There's your primitive mind or your toddler brain, and then there's also your higher mind.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Your primitive mind is focused purely on survival.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: That's the part of you that just wants comfort, safety, and minimal effort.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: That toddler brain wants the easy life.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: It doesn't wanna have to.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Your higher mind is run by your prefrontal cortex, and that's the part of you that wants to help you to plan, to grow and to build the life that you actually want.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: That's like your adult brain, okay?
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: This means that when your primitive mind might be saying things like, nah, change is uncomfortable, then your higher mind can step in and say, yeah, and that discomfort is totally worth the end result.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: That's exactly what we're looking for here.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Your toddler brain, it can only see what you want right now in this very present moment, but your higher mind, it can see what's going to happen in the long term.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: It can see what it is that your choices are gonna create in the long term.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: In other words, your toddler mind.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: It's all about instant gratification, whereas your adult mind or your prefrontal cortex, it's okay with that delayed gratification.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: It knows something better is coming if I can stay disciplined and if I can stay on track.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: I also want you to notice that more than likely your primitive mind, it wins a lot of the time because it can feel so loud and it can be so convincing.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: So we just wanna give it whatever it wants to make it be quiet, thinking that then we will be able to get what it's that we want later.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'll, I'll be more disciplined later.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: I'll kick the can until tomorrow or next week, or next month or next year.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: now, if this is just how your brain works, is you're gonna have these two parts of the brain.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: How do you break the cycle of always listening to your primitive mind?
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Let me share with you something that I'm gonna call the Spice Girl strategy.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Now, this is something that I personally do.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: You can laugh at me.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: It's a hundred percent okay, but it works.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: So when I catch myself stuck in resistance, or stuck in indecision, then I tap into my Inner Spice Girl and it looks a little something like this.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: My brain will start saying something like, I don't wanna work out.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: That sounds like too much effort.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And then I will start to sing to myself and I'll sing.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: And I'll sing it to both sides of my brain.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: So first I'll ask my primitive brain.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: I'll say, so tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: And then I listen and my primitive brain will say, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: I wanna just sit on the couch.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: And I say, okay, I hear you.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: And then I address my higher mind and I'm like, Hey, higher mind.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: And my higher mind will say, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: And then it will remind me of what it is that I really actually want.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Like, not in that moment, but what I want to create over time, what my long-term goal is, even if it's uncomfortable.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: So my higher mind might say, Hey, you know what I really want more than sitting on the couch is I wanna feel strong.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: I wanna avoid feeling aches and pains as I get older.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: I want to have energy.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: I want to feel good and look good in my body.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: And when I intentionally reconnect with my higher mind and ask it, okay, what do I actually really, really want out of life?
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Then it becomes so much easier to move forward, even if my toddler mind is throwing a tantrum.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: And the same process works for our relationships and career decisions and every other decision too.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: So primitive mind might say, well, I don't know if I want this relationship or if I want this relationship in this form or not.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: And then higher mind might jump in and say, okay, well what are three things that we can look for specifically to give us clarity around this relationship?
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: And how much time do we need to look for those three things before we decide that, okay, we need to invest our time and energy elsewhere.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: Primitive mind might say, boy, changing careers just sounds exhausting.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: And higher mind might say, yeah, you're right.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Change can be uncomfortable.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: And staying in a job that we don't actually like means that we'll be choosing to be miserable for the next 20 years.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: And that sounds way worse.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: So let's be uncomfortable for a couple of months as we look for something better so that we can be less miserable later.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: Now, both of those voices are there.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: The key is just choosing which one you wanna listen to.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Now if you've been stuck in a decision, I want you to remember this, your brain avoiding discomfort..
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: It just means that you have a normal and fully functioning brain.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: And you also have a higher mind that knows what you really, really want, right?
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: It knows what it is that you want right now, and it knows what it is that you need in order to really thrive rather than merely survive.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: And when you start to listen to your higher mind more often than your toddler mind, then everything begins to change.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: You stop staying stuck and you moving forward with more intention.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: So if this conversation has made you realize that, boy, I've been stuck in a decision for a while, and maybe it's with a relationship with your career, with your personal growth, I want you to know that you do not have to figure this out alone.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: This is exactly the kind of work that I do with my clients.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: So together we can look at how the motivational triad is showing up for you in your life and how it's holding you back.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I can teach you how to tap in to your inner Spice Girl to your higher mind so that you can make decisions that really actually help you to propel your life forward.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: So if you would like help and support, you can email me at Maryann@maryannwalker.life or you can come to my website, www.maryannwaker.life to apply to work with me right now.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: I do have a short wait list, but let me know that you're interested and I can let you be the first to know when I have an opening available.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: Change might be closer than you think.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: So thank you so much for being here, and I hope you have a great week.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Let's talk soon.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: Bye now.