Latest / The Christy-Faith Show / Ep. 75 - Three Phrases I'll Never Say To My Kids Again And Why

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Ep. 75 - Three Phrases I'll Never Say To My Kids Again And Why · The Christy-Faith Show

• 0:00
  Christy-Faith: If you've ever said something to your child and immediately thought, wow, that sounded exactly like my parents, and not in the charming nostalgic way, this episode's for you. Maybe you've laid in bed at night replaying the random Thursday afternoon meltdown wondering if you've officially broken your child's spirit forever. Yeah. Same. Welcome to the show and pull up a chair.
• 0:23
  I've said things in the heat of the moment that felt completely normal at the time. Things like, all I expect is your best, or how dare you talk to me like that. And honestly, at the time, I meant well. I thought I was setting healthy boundaries, teaching respect, and instilling a solid work ethic in my kids. But what I didn't realize, some of those well meaning phrases were quietly planting seeds of perfectionism, shame, and fear in my kids, even though I was sure that I was parenting with love.
• 0:54
  So today, it's gonna be uncomfortable, but we're gonna go there. We're gonna unpack a few things that I no longer say to my kids, why those phrases weren't helping, and what I'm now doing instead. This episode is equal parts confessional, parent pep talk, and a lot like a chat over coffee with just a bunch of imperfect parents trying to do our best, me included. Also, I wanna hear from you. I wanna hear what phrases you've retired from your parenting vocabulary.
• 1:22
  Come find me in the comments on Instagram, on YouTube, and let's compare notes. Before we get into this today, hi. Welcome if you're a first time listener or welcome back. I'm Kristi Faith, author of homeschool rising, speaker and founder of thrive homeschool community, a place where you can learn how to fail proof your homeschool by following solid plans and find real connection, mentorship, and support along the way. Make sure to hit my website for some really good free resources no matter what phase of homeschooling you're in or what age your kids are.
• 2:06
  I've got something for you and my freebies are actually really good. So go check them out today. Quick disclaimer before we dive in, I am not here to lecture you today. I'm in the thick of this parenting thing too. I am apologizing to my kids.
• 2:20
  Sometimes it feels like every ding dong day. I'm stumbling over my words, and what this show is mainly about realizing sometimes way too late that what I meant and what my kids heard were two entirely different things. If you've known me for even a hot minute, you know I'm all about vulnerability. That's how connections are made, and this isn't about being a perfect parent or obsessing over every single word that leaves your mouth. This is just an episode that I wish someone handed me years ago.
• 2:47
  It's gonna have a little bit of validation, a little bit of clarity, and just enough humor to make it sting a little less when you realize, yeah, I say that too. And though these go viral on social media, you don't need a parenting script or a laminated feelings chart to parent well. Though if someone made those into a little sticker pack, I wouldn't say no. What we all need is just awareness, a willingness to shift, to grow, and the freedom to laugh a little bit along the way with our kids. Here's the deal.
• 3:17
  Those words that fly out of our mouths, they're not random. They're tiny reflections of what's going on inside of us. So what if instead of beating ourselves up, we just got a little more aware, a little less legalistic, not so robotic. We just got a bit more intentional and in tune with our parenting and our kids. Because if you've been in any relationship at all, you know that often what we say isn't always what is heard.
• 3:45
  We're gonna get into three things that I no longer say to my kids, but let's first hit pause and talk about why our words matter so much in our parenting right after a word from our sponsor. As a homeschool mom who values a family together approach and leans towards the classical and Charlotte Mason styles, I often struggle to bring my educational vision to life with my kids' diverse ages and learning needs. With all our interests and super packed schedule, bridging that gap between the dreamy homeschool I want and reality, I gotta be honest. It's a challenge. Now, yes, I know perfection isn't the goal.
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• 5:01
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• 5:21
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• 5:59
  Welcome back. You've probably heard people say kids are sponges. Well, yeah, they're not just soaking up what we say. They're also internalizing it. The tone, the intent, the little messages between the lines that we don't even realize we're sending.
• 6:12
  This isn't just mom guilt talking, it's neuroscience. According to doctor Lisa Feldman Barrett, a leading psychologist and neuroscientist, the words we speak don't just reflect our emotions, they shape them. Our brains are constantly wiring and rewiring based on what we hear, say, and believe, and this goes for our kids too. So when we casually toss out something like, just do your best. All I want is your best.
• 6:37
  All I expect is your best. Our child's brain may start attaching meaning that we don't actually intend, and their internal voice, that monologue, it starts to sound a lot like us. It becomes the narration that they carry into their challenges, their mistakes, and their moments of self doubt. If they're hearing all I expect is your best but feeling pressure to be perfect, that voice might eventually say, try harder. That wasn't good enough.
• 7:04
  Don't mess up. When what we really want and what it could say is you're safe to try. Mistakes are a part of learning. You are loved no matter how you perform. That's the long game.
• 7:17
  We're not just correcting behavior. We're shaping the story our kids will tell themselves for the rest of their lives. Let that sink in for a second. The language we use with our children now becomes the voice they hear in their heads later. No pressure.
• 7:32
  Right? This isn't just a poetic idea. Doctor Daniel Siegel and doctor Tina Payne Bryson explain in the whole brain child that repeated emotional interactions actually shape the architecture of a child's brain. Over time, the way we respond to our kids becomes the way they respond to themselves. Do you see that in your own life?
• 7:53
  I certainly do. Personally, I came into this parenting game with what you might call an authoritarian default setting. I thought firm rules, clear consequences, and because I said so was how you earned respect and that most parents were just too soft. I was trying to raise strong responsible kids, but I didn't realize how often my tone, my reactions, and even my well meaning phrases were quietly shaping their sense of self and not in a good way. When I look back, the way that I parented before did damage, and we are still healing to this day, especially with my oldest.
• 8:30
  By the way, he's super cute. Whenever something comes up or a memory comes up, he says, mom, you need to stop apologizing. It's okay. And you know what? I'm not gonna stop apologizing.
• 8:41
  Here's the thing. Did I love my kids back then? Absolutely. Did I think I was raising strong resilient kids back then? Yes.
• 8:49
  What I think a lot of people don't realize is accidentally communicate things that we never intended. Things like you're only lovable when you get it right, or you're only lovable when you obey me, or mistakes aren't safe. And one that I am guilty of this myself, and I just cringe when I think about this because I had a lot of young kids and a lot of meltdowns and toddler years altogether with a bunch of toddlers all at once. Big emotions are bad emotions because their emotions dysregulated me, and I didn't realize it at the time. It took until much later for me to realize that they weren't doing these behaviors to me personally.
• 9:28
  Now this isn't about guilt. I've been there. I've laid in bed at night replaying those moments where I snapped over spilled markers or some sass at bedtime and wondered if my kids were gonna make it in this world at all. But you know what really got to my heart? When I would start to wonder if our relationships were going to make it once they launched out into the world.
• 9:49
  Was I gonna have adult kids who called me and trusted me when they're having a bad day or going through a rough time? That really worried me, and I had to make some changes. I wasn't walking down the path that I wanted for the future that I wanted for my family. Now none of us are perfect. In fact, our kids need to see us imperfect.
• 10:06
  Of course, they do. Right? And they need us to apologize, and we need to model what it looks like to mess up in a healthy way. What this episode is about and what I hope you walk away with is just being more aware. Maybe together, all of us can do a little bit of self reflection.
• 10:21
  We hold ourselves to really high standards, and I think admitting to ourselves that we're not perfect and giving ourselves grace helps tremendously. When we shift our language even just a little bit, we start to shift the emotional climate in our homes one phrase at a time. Okay. So here is where I started. The first phrase that I retired is all I expect is your best.
• 10:45
  Because what I meant to say when I was saying that is, I love you no matter what. Just try harder and I'm proud. What my children were hearing was, you better be perfect. If you mess this up, you've disappointed me. Oof.
• 10:57
  That stings. Right? Now, do your best sounds supportive. It even sounds encouraging. But for kids who are naturally anxious, sensitive, or maybe even lean a little bit towards perfectionism, it can feel like a moving target.
• 11:11
  Because what is your best? Is it today's best? Is it tomorrow's best? Is it still your best when you're tired, overwhelmed, or just having a bad day? Is the best expected all of the time every single minute?
• 11:24
  Because that sounds a lot like performance to me. Right? Saying that is a little bit too vague, especially for young little minds. And vague expectations have a sneaky way of turning into pressure, especially when they're paired with our actions. And here's the disconnect with this particular phrase.
• 11:41
  Every parent on the planet says, just do your best. That's all I want. But then what happens? We ask what grade they got on that test. We celebrate the trophy, not the effort.
• 11:52
  We brag about the win before we even mention the work. So even though we're saying it, what our kids are actually hearing from us over and over is your best equals impressing me. Your best equals winning. Your best equals never failing. When your best becomes the baseline for approval, it quietly shifts into a performance based love and there's no room for rest in that place.
• 12:17
  There's no space to just be, and that's when perfectionism starts to take root. We never want our kids to feel like their love is earned. According to doctor Michelle Borba, author of Thrivers, perfectionism in kids has skyrocketed in recent years. And it's not just a personality quirk, it's directly linked to rising rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout. Because when effort becomes the condition for connection, love doesn't feel unconditional anymore, does it?
• 12:45
  Even if it was never our intention to communicate that. So now instead of all I expect is your best, I say things like this instead. I saw how brave you were to try that. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. Learning is messy and it has ups and downs and big feelings.
• 13:02
  I'm really proud of how hard you've worked. Because and take this from a recovering perfectionist, perfectionism has no place in parenting. Let's save that for Instagram reels and robots because your child is gloriously imperfect and a developing human, and that's exactly who they're supposed to be. And by the way, you are too. Okay.
• 13:24
  So here is another phrase that I retired from my quiver, and it is how dare you talk to me like that. What I meant is being upset doesn't mean abusive language is appropriate. It tears down relationships rather than build them up and makes you feel really bad about yourself after, but it didn't come out like that. Now stay with me here for those of you who are like, what kind of parenting advice is Christie giving right now? I'm about to get even a little bit more weird, so hang on.
• 13:51
  In most of those moments, our kids aren't trying to be disrespectful. They're just really dysregulated. What they need in that moment is not judgment. They need help. And I know what you're thinking right now, but they can't get away with that, Christy.
• 14:06
  To which I answer, of course not. But when you address that abusive language is key, and it is not when everybody is completely dysregulated. Because you know what behavior actually is? Behavior is a language. It's communication.
• 14:21
  And if I just jump straight into punishment without pausing to understand what's really going on, I'm treating the symptom. I'm not actually healing the wound. And for those of you listening who are faith based homeschoolers, we have so many mixed parenting messages in our culture, and I could do a whole another episode on why I left authoritarian parenting. Go ahead and comment if you wanna show on that. Happy to do it.
• 14:44
  But one thing everyone who is faith based can agree on is that when we are disciplining our kids, what we really want to get to is the heart. I'm gonna leave it there because I got other stuff to cover today. Okay. Now let's get to some evidence. The CDC actually encourages something called co regulation, especially for younger kids.
• 15:05
  It means that instead of reacting to their chaos and their dysregulation, we can help them calm down and help their brain access their reasoning again. Okay. So what I say now instead of how dare you talk to me like that, I'll reveal that right after this word from our sponsors. Before we continue, I wanna share with you a program that's been a game changer for our homeschool. At our center, we instructed and helped kids through pretty much every math program on the market and know firsthand just how important a solid math foundation is for our kids' futures.
• 15:36
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• 16:05
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• 16:24
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• 17:08
  Welcome back. So we were discussing the second phrase that I no longer say to my kids, and that is how dare you talk to me like that. Here are the types of things that I now say instead. Hey, you're upset and that's okay. Let's take a break and figure out what's really going on.
• 17:23
  These big feelings are okay. Let's calm down together and work through them. And something really cool that happened just this week is I saw one of my children about to say something that they would regret. And I saw it start to come out and they stopped it, and I caught it right there, and boy did we praise that child. We said, look at how you had self control.
• 17:47
  You were about to say something that you would later regret and really feel bad about. I just wanna note that growth there. I know you've been working on that. Because look, despite what some people may think, children are not royal subjects. We're parenting a developing human who needs our calm, not our courtroom.
• 18:06
  And if we want our kids to trust us with big problems later on in their lives, they gotta be able to trust us with what they're going through now when they're little. Now the next phrase that I have retired, and that is use your words. What I meant was stop screaming and just tell me what's wrong. What my child heard, you're too much. I don't wanna deal with you unless you're emotionally articulate.
• 18:27
  Good luck with that at age six, by the way. Here's the thing. Under stress, the part of the brain responsible for language goes offline, literally. The Harvard Center on the Developing Child explains that emotional overwhelm disrupts executive function, meaning kids can't use their words even if they want to. So here are the types of things that I say now.
• 18:49
  I can see that you're overwhelmed. I'll sit with you until you're ready. It's okay to have big feelings. I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna help you through this.
• 18:57
  It looks like you're having a hard time managing these big feelings. I'm here with you and we're gonna figure this out together. I'm gonna help you. Expecting a dysregulated five year old to calmly explain their feelings is like expecting a tornado to politely knock first. Not gonna happen.
• 19:13
  So clearly, you can see that I don't get it right every time. I still say things that I regret. I still have days where I want to put myself in a time out. I will say, sometimes I do share with my kids, mommy is dysregulated. I'm gonna go upstairs and calm down and come back when I'm ready.
• 19:31
  This isn't letting kids get away with stuff. This isn't soft parenting. This is parenting in a way where you don't damage relationships. In a space that I've come to and it's taken a lot of therapy to get here, I've learned that just like my kids are growing, so am I. When I change how I speak to them, I'm not just preventing a meltdown, I'm building trust, safety, and long term connection.
• 19:53
  And I gotta tell you, our relationships are transformed. Rather than tears on my pillow, I often go to sleep with thankfulness. Because we're now in those teen years where the teen comes to you when you're really, really tired, and that's when they can process all their existential crises. But honestly, I'm here for it. I'll stay up all night long if I have to because our teen is coming to me and Scott to process life.
• 20:17
  That was not me when I was that age. At the end of the day, I don't want perfectly behaved kids. I want emotionally healthy adults who know they are loved even on their worst days. If this episode resonated with you at all, if you're feeling that tension between I wanna parent differently and I don't even know how to begin, you're not alone. This is exactly the kind of stuff that we talk about in Thrive Homeschool Community.
• 20:42
  Real parenting, real struggles, and real lasting change. Not perfection, not Pinterest, just progress. Thrive, yes, it is a robust training community. It's kinda like starting a master's program in homeschooling, and we fail proof your homeschool to make sure that you are giving your kids what they need now and preparing them for a bright future, but part of that process is growing ourselves. It is a really, really cool place with a lot of vulnerability and intimacy.
• 21:11
  So if you want more information on what you can get out of Thrive Homeschool Community, I'll put the link in the show notes and you can check out that webpage on my website. We'd love to have you in there. Okay. Land in the plane. Parenting is hard.
• 21:24
  Homeschooling? Right? That's a bonus level challenge, but you're not here to do it all perfectly. You're just here to do it intentionally, and that is where we excel, and that is when we end up doing a really good job for our kids. Because when we expect too much out of ourselves and too much out of them, it ends up back firing for both of us.
• 21:46
  You can change how you parent. Thanks for listening today. I hope that this was encouragement that you can change how you parent even if it's just one phrase at a time. See you next week. Bye.