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Kike Garcia - Standup comedy · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. I' m so glad you' re here. I
• 0:16
  ' m so glad to be here recording for Comedy Central. I was about
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  to cancel it because I spent a really hard week and I didn' t
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  see myself able to come today, but I had said yes. We buried
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  my grandmother yesterday. She became furious, for I had fifteen fifteen according to
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  it was a very nice burial. It was a very nice burial. We
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  didn' t want the typical funeral. We wanted something a little more hipster.
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  We put straw balls everywhere. I' ve been looking at coffins for
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  days Now I' ve had banners of coffins whenever I sailed, but a
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  nice funeral. My cousin Rubén threw my grandfather' s body back to see
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  who was taking it. Yesterday I was the first of the family to die
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  all. I am, I am, I am sorry to start with such
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  a subject, so good, so hard, no, but it seems that
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  death haunts me. Two weeks ago, Abby, Abby is a character I
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  just put in the monologue. He' s my partner. I was talking
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  to her and I told her I was on the terrace. We have a
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  terrace, because well, a terrace and I saw that the cat had killed
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  a bird and I told him ab the character from before I think Sauron killed
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  a little bird. It' s what the cat' s name is and
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  he told me he' d be dead. And I looked at him and
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  told him if he' s acting. It' s the best performance I
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  ' ve ever seen. You' re at the level of that time that
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  a few months ago Alex Baldwin had to pretend to shoot someone and kill?
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  He had to pretend to shoot someone and he killed the director of photography.
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  I know there' s already the comic. There' s a comic in
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  the audience, the prior kind of audience possible has made. This is the
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  symbol that you' ve made a joke that well, it' s true.
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  It' s a subject. Not bad. It' s wrong to
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  make jokes about the situation in Aleppo. It' s a pretty dramatic situation.
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  In fact, he has suffered several nervous breakdowns, one depression and,
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  in fact, this morning he tried to commit suicide and killed another. Director
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  of Photography. It' s twenty? It' s twenty? Twenty?
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  Twenty? He' s got 20 directors of photography on his own, not
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  that they were directors of photography in Hollywood. I don' t know if
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  you' ve seen. All the movies are dark because of Alex Baldwin.
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  Okay. I' m sorry to start on such delicate subjects. I used
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  to, in my long career as a comedian, I used to get on
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  stage full of energy, I used to say how you motherfuckers are. That
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  was my line, how you motherfuckers are. But a few months ago I
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  was performing in the Yegua with Chistera, a little house in Malaga and when
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  I left it went very well. How are you after whore? The audience
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  is very excited. I go out to the parking lot and I see two
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  girls follow me in the clearing myself in the parking lot two girls follow me.
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  I thought here you were canceled and I was told we' re not
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  dealing with two feminists and that you were a sexist and I' m talking
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  to them open to whatever they might be good at proposing to me. And
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  it' s true and I' ve been advised some books and I'
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  ve been reading about feminism and it' s true, I mean, you
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  can' t go on stage and say how you son of a bitch,
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  because she' s a sexist. You, what you have to do is
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  go out on stage and say how you' re sons and daughters of bitches,
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  because if you' re not invisibilizing the woman, no, no,
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  you can' t, you can' t do that I' ve been,
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  I' ve been reading enough about feminism and if I' ve understood
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  it correctly, feminism doesn' t have to look at it well. Feminism
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  doesn' t look that bad. It is not so much that they seek
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  equality between men and women as killing all men and me people. I don
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  ' t like it then that there are half the people for me ok,
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  that is, it' s a first step for me well apart, I
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  would probably be one of the last men to die because they would pass feminist
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  patrols through the streets and they would say there' s some man around here
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  and I, with my voice I would say they wouldn' t say,
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  thank you, sister, and they would go, they would go up the
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  street, they would go up the street with their nikov coves and no.
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  But if all men died, that would extinguish the human race. I could
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  say some ignorant, false, false, if all men were murdered, the
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  human race would not be extinguished, because there is a lot of frozen semen.
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  There is a lot of frozen semen, and feminists could continue to breed
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  humans from all those fine arts students for generations and generations. I explain all
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  this in my next book, which is called Kui. What does feminism explain
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  to you? What does the editorial feminism Lumen Sale explain to you next December,
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  because I have realized to read about feminism, that all the books on
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  feminism are written almost all by women, and that gives them a very biased
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  view in favor of women and sometimes a look from outside. Eye, eye,
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  eye. Sometimes it' s even more lucid. No, but how
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  you' re gonna write your about feminism if you' re right is no
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  more plaining. My girlfriend, the character from before Abby some isn' t
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  that she has her own personal art. He' s a complex character.
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  When he accuses me of making him mans plaining, he does not pronounce it
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  well and says mins plaining, which forces me every time to explain again that
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  mans plaining does not come from mind mind, but from man' s hand,
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  and she falls into error over and over and over again. I mean,
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  I have to explain it every time, every time in a more slow
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  and slow way and with descendant. Well, I saw my girlfriend and I
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  have been 20 years. Well, this text is old. We must be
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  twenty- one years. I' m going to be twenty- one years
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  old. I just realized now that it' s fine. But good sex.
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  Sure. Many are many years. There' s a lot of them,
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  sure It' s 20 years. Sure, sure, I mean,
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  is that how you want to have sex? Those are the prolegomena, those
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  are, after twenty years, twenty- one years, the troublemen, they
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  are you want to have a intercourse, those are the problems Or if we
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  are a little nice, we say grab something. That' s it,
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  that' s it Did you trouble them less? Well, then, is
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  it how you want to have sex? Don' t put another chapter in
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  the series. But if we' re seeing here, there' s no
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  one alive who doesn' t care. Your pon is costing us how to
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  cheer. It' s costing us both. It' s hard for us
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  to encourage the matter to add a little bit of good, well, it
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  ' s good to enrich a little good. It doesn' t make any
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  good. You know, he tells me the other day during intercourse that'
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  s what we call it. Talk to me badly and I told him what
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  I' m getting you into. I started using leisms. I told you
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  I' m gonna do it to him like that, no respect, no
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  respect for c and she told me what makes me feel is underrealistic. With
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  b I already ani and I said cocreta mondarina. We' re both in
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  letters. We didn' t think it was right. We stopped it was
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  like the two nudes in like. This isn' t working. We said
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  we' re going to roll Plaine, that if you don' t know,
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  the Roleplaine is, then, exchanging roles. He told me. She
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  told me we' re gonna make Roleplaine and I' m a screenwriter and
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  I said oysters. I finally went to the studio, prepared, prepared several
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  two you are. We did piaching and he told me this is that this
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  idea is very complex. We don' t have a budget for this one.
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  This is other abstract. My mother won' t understand. I told
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  her it' s okay, we' re both autonomous and she owns a
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  bookstore. I said, well, we' re both self- employed.
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  Okay, well, I' ll be the manager, and you' ll
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  be a young entrepreneur, and that' s worth it. I think I
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  can do that. I' ll be the manager and did a young entrepreneur
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  I got a course He rented a place on a main floor. I received
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  her with a green visor. I gave him time because, well, I
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  mean, he had a shoe store that came with all the tickets from the
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  store and well I made him the income statement and we didn' t even
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  fuck. And it was like, oh what we do, not like we
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  ' re so worried about the subject, but it was like there' s
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  something, we have to do, what we do. And she said good
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  to me.“ Now today’ s young people have very normalized watching porn,
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  ” she said porn,“ Let’ s watch porn,” she
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  said. For us we are forty years old. It' s a bit,
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  a bit of a subject, a little taboo and he said, but
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  the young people of dialo say it openly that they watch porn. I mean,
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  some are saying yes, yes, of course I told him man.
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  We' re two forty years old We' re eighties. It is true
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  that porn is said to be very normal nowadays. The porn isn' t
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  normalized shit next to how normal it is, that is, in the eighties
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  there were cinemas, cinemas, cinemas, cinemas, that is to say a
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  cinema pussy, a cinema, a cinema, a cinema, but porno,
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  that is to say, cinemas with their taquilera, the one that you had
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  to ask her for an entrance, usually you were alone, an entrance,
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  an entrance to the porn movie, that is to say with other seats,
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  where there were other gentlemen, usually they were lords and the film lasted an
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  hour and you had stayed for ten minutes because you had already paid the entrance.
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  As I mean, on that level is porn. I was at Kio
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  on the way out of school there was the porno, in Mr Matias'
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  kiosk, in the Pa kíos, Mr Matías was the pornhub algorithm it was
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  Mr Matías who told you if you liked this, take this other one.
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  This is being consumed in the neighborhood. I mean, if you wanted to,
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  if you wanted to erase the record, you had to beat Mr Matias
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  up. At that level porn was standardized compared to today. We said good,
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  it' s still okay Come on Let' s go watch porn.
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  Okay, let' s watch porn. We sat on the couch and put
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  it in the eye, not on the phone, not on the laptop,
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  on the little rhodillitas that you burn in summer that some say yes, yes,
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  on the TV Grande, with the sofa, on the TV Grande,
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  on the TV Grande? As adults with a cheese board on the side table.
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  We don' t even call it watching, because we don' t
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  call it watching documentary intercourse. At that level, at that level we consider
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  it something adult and we have composed to see and it doesn' t end
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  up leaving us. He ends up converging us. He leaves us with us.
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  We' re from the' 80s, as I say, and we
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  ' re used to movies ending up very well in porn movies. They don
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  ' t end, they don' t end. We' re used to
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  the' 80s movies being like that. They had a little bit of itchy,
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  they were a little bit of itchy. When the action was over,
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  the characters would jump, do well, jump, bevel, stop, freeze
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  the image, sound a guitar rip and tell you. Well, this character
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  got a degree from the university and now it' s all we see,
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  we watch porn movies and we imagine what the epilus will look like after the
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  credit scene of those characters and basically after watching a documentary intercourse. What we
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  do is we write that epilogue and I' m going to read you some
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  of the ones we' ve written Valose. These are pornhub films, a
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  well- known website of cultural content that you probably all know and are films
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  and we write the epilogue Gang Bank Orgi Sabach Party. They finish whatever they
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  ' ve had in order to do those characters. We understand that a Gang
• 15:35
  Bang Orgie Savage Party freezes law Everyone jumps well, yes, freezes the image
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  and tells you what has happened to them Gang Bang Ordi and Sabach Party.
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  Every year everyone gathers to reminisce about their little adventure. Tina, the girl
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  of moles in English, died two years ago. Demetrian Mira sanset Sacking.
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  Demetria and Mira haven' t seen each other since. She' s more
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  than two kids. He returns to practice rows whenever he has occasion, but
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  he can' t help but think about Demetri when he does it any raga
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  fi Bridge, Kerra est interduces Media. Time later, Kerra was able to
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  complete her shower. Jo Vi interview becomes another thing. Today, Samantha is
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  still unemployed fek Doctor Fax Skine, John Gerd Huk without Ford check the attractive
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  and thin girl. He still has no suspicion that the alleged doctor was not
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  such. His tumor' s still undetected. After a lot of reflection,
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  I realized that the problems we have to encourage the matter are because I am
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  very modest and very modest because I started very late in sex and I understand
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  that it is because I went to a public school. If you go to
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  a healing school, it' s key, it' s different. Well,
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  the point is, I told him I saw, okay, let'
• 17:32
  s do something, let' s get back to the traditional. I told
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  him why we didn' t play doctors. And well it' s given
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  me time for April next year. And, well, that' s it
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  for today. Thank you very much. Thank you very much? Thank you,
• 17:48
  thank you? Thank you. Ta later,