Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Second Helping: Adolescence - Being Blind-Sided and Pushing the Alarms (orig. posting 9/22/22) | Ep. 63

Transcript

Second Helping: Adolescence - Being Blind-Sided and Pushing the Alarms (orig. posting 9/22/22) | Ep. 63 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:05
  Cheryl: Hi, welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:09
  Cheryl: I'm your host Cheryl Lang, and we're kind of taking a second, helping and reposting one of our listeners' favorite episodes.
• 0:18
  Cheryl: It's always a timely subject.
• 0:21
  Cheryl: And in fact, although the title specifically talks about adolescence, it's actually applicable to all ages.
• 0:29
  Cheryl: The big question is, how do we stay engaged and aware and alert and not overact by pushing the alarm buttons too much or too soon?
• 0:43
  Cheryl: It's really nice because Dene joins Christine, me in the recording studio, and it's always fun to have her.
• 0:57
  Cheryl: Well, I sure wish I were in Florida like.
• 1:00
  Christie: Ellen
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Oh, I
• 1:01
  Christie: know.
• 1:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:03
  Danae: I know the pictures that she's sent the beautiful sunset
• 1:06
  Christie: Ellen you're torturing us.
• 1:08
  Cheryl: That is, and she thinks she deserves it.
• 1:10
  Cheryl: Cuz she said, well, I'm a California girl.
• 1:12
  Cheryl: Oh, how beautiful it is.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:15
  Cheryl: So we miss you bring us back.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: No, we don't want any more sunshine.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: We're ready.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: I'm ready for
• 1:20
  Christie: fall.
• 1:20
  Christie: Yeah, I am.
• 1:21
  Christie: Well, yeah, you've got your pumpkin shirt on and mm-hmm already
• 1:24
  Cheryl: mm-hmm
• 1:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:25
  Christie: So Cheryl, you have family in
• 1:27
  Cheryl: town.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Oh yes.
• 1:29
  Cheryl: So my son, Alex and Aaron, his wife, and their three precious children, which are my three grandchildren.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, they live in Mumbai India.
• 1:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so they haven't been home for almost two years.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 1:42
  Christie: Oh wow.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: So, oh goodness.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: I didn't know.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: It had been that long.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: so they're here for the month, which is running break.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Next speed.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Be I'm sure.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: But cuz they have to.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: Sleep, right.
• 1:57
  Christie: can't they do that when they get back to bed, man,
• 1:59
  Cheryl: and be with other people and all, how dare they.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: I know.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: And so I wanna be really selfish with them.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: I bet have to be mature about it, but it is a delight.
• 2:09
  Christie: So you got the grandkids for a whole evening?
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Why I got'em again tomorrow and I'm so excited and good.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: going okay.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: Here's my schedule.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Help me work it out.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: Cuz I want to cram in as much of them and just
• 2:23
  Danae: what are their ages again?
• 2:24
  Danae: Cheryl?
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Um, seven, five and three.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: And so it's really, those are sweet ages.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: It's really nice.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: In fact, there's sort of the age range of what we talked about
• 2:34
  Danae: last week.
• 2:34
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 2:35
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah, so you're living it in real time now.
• 2:39
  Cheryl: and you know what, though, you know, I would have them stay in my house 24 hours and not go anywhere else.
• 2:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:49
  Christie: seriously with good laugh.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: But just the freedom to open handedly.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Love.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: And then just to treasure up and enjoy mm-hmm that's a real balance and I'm yeah.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, I'm glad I'm at that place where I'm really doing that better.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm what a gift to your kids, for sure.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: And to me, and my heart.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, Okay.
• 3:10
  Cheryl: So what we're gonna jump into is talking about Dr.
• 3:14
  Cheryl: Kelly Stevens first episode on adolescence.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Oh
• 3:18
  Christie: man.
• 3:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:19
  Christie: We could talk about it forever and ever and ever as you in.
• 3:22
  Christie: Yeah, I know.
• 3:24
  Danae: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Danae: I especially think because we were talking about how.
• 3:28
  Danae: The age range is so much bigger.
• 3:31
  Danae: Oh, I know what he thought
• 3:32
  Christie: was 10 to 21.
• 3:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:34
  Christie: Adolescent eight.
• 3:36
  Christie: Well, he said for puberty eight to 14.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: yeah
• 3:39
  Christie: Mm-hmm I think he said for girls, which is a long time.
• 3:43
  Christie: Yeah,
• 3:43
  Cheryl: sure.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: That a long time.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 3:45
  Danae: Yeah.
• 3:45
  Danae: it's a lot going on.
• 3:47
  Danae: It sure is to think of the difference between a 10 year old and a 21 year old.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: And I think that's part of the challenge of it.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, do y'all think maybe this is appropriate, that when they're little, you can be more sort of a parenting, specialist, like I'm a specialist in newborn and nursing, and then I'm a specialist in.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: Potty training.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: and even like what we talked about last week about that middle range, you can kind of specialize a little bit and then mm-hmm look my goodness.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: Look at the
• 4:18
  Christie: range.
• 4:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:19
  Christie: Well, it makes a lot of sense because, you know, when they're young little bitty, what you're doing is what you're doing at that age.
• 4:26
  Christie: But then moving into these older years, it's just so much more fluid and fluctuates and yeah,
• 4:33
  Danae: you, but you say the word specialist and I'm thinking, oh goodness, but there's still so much advice for the young ones.
• 4:39
  Danae: You know, we about true sleep and when you should potty train, but we know that it's gonna happen.
• 4:45
  Danae: And there's kind of an age range that, that, you know, developmentally is
• 4:50
  Christie: right.
• 4:50
  Christie: Is gonna happen.
• 4:51
  Christie: Well, adolescents it's so intertwined, like.
• 4:55
  Christie: Music has to do with identity.
• 4:56
  Christie: Mm-hmm has to do with friends, has to do with sleep, has to do with social media, you know, it's all overlapping.
• 5:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:01
  Christie: And
• 5:01
  Danae: then there's school in grades and sports and
• 5:04
  Christie: so much.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: It, it really is.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: And that's why I think we get.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: So much interest and alert mm-hmm from parents on adolescence.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:15
  Danae: And different than the younger years, the books aren't as specific.
• 5:20
  Danae: So you're talking about being a generalist.
• 5:22
  Danae: It's there's a lot of information, a lot of opinions.
• 5:26
  Danae: Well,
• 5:27
  Christie: and they're growing in their individuality.
• 5:28
  Christie: So every circumstance is going, every person's going be different.
• 5:32
  Christie: Every experience is going to be different, even
• 5:34
  Cheryl: under the same roof.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: And so you're describing one of the phrases that Dr.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: Stevens mentioned, he said, it's nonlinear, and that's just what you're talking about.
• 5:45
  Cheryl: That babies roll to the side before they flip to their back.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: And they.
• 5:51
  Cheryl: Crawled before they walk and they pull up before all of that.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: No, not 10 years.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: Right?
• 5:56
  Cheryl: I wasn't prepared for it.
• 5:58
  Cheryl: I didn't realize.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: it's nonlinear instead I really thought Oh, now we're in the teenage years and now we go through this step step, step, step.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: And yeah, I
• 6:08
  Danae: remember Cheryl you talking about, uh, when our kids were younger, you know, you would talk about how a, a child or really, I think you were talking more about the adolescent years was that they may be really mature.
• 6:23
  Danae: In one area mm-hmm and then really immature.
• 6:27
  Danae: So they may be more like an eight year old in some areas and more like a 16 year old.
• 6:30
  Danae: And then sometimes we talk about those kids that, you know, they're so mature for their age, but maybe that's just in one area.
• 6:38
  Danae: And that made a lot
• 6:39
  Christie: of sense.
• 6:39
  Christie: Or even on a different day, they may be fully capable of one task or one area of responsibility on one day mm-hmm and then a month later you think what happened?
• 6:49
  Cheryl: Oh, true.
• 6:50
  Christie: I thought they were doing so well.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: Well, and that's what I appreciate about what Kelly was saying.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Cuz you're talking about our kids when they were younger.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm um, so.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: When bill and I would talk about this, cuz it was so perplexing because they could run something and be so mature and be responsible and, you know, handle money and do all of this and then be absolutely irresponsible in relationships in our family or how they treat others, whatever the fluctuation is.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: And so that's what we realized bill said, well, I think we think that, um, maturity goes in all directions, omnidirectional mm-hmm and he said, it's not it's up and down.
• 7:34
  Cheryl: And you don't know exactly where it's gonna be.
• 7:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And I remember when your Ethan was playing with Jonathan and they were out back and we had a wooden deck and it needed to be redone.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: And so you could see some places.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: The wood had fallen apart.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so we knew we were going to, I was headed there, but I remember Ethan in particular, they were running and he stepped on a board and it crunched in on him.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: It looked perfect on the top mm-hmm and he crunched in six inches, and I thought that is such a perfect picture of, of what we're talking about.
• 8:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm cause you look out there and it's all painted and it looks nice.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: And then suddenly you step on something and it doesn't hold your weight up.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: Right,
• 8:14
  Danae: right.
• 8:14
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: Yeah, Okay, let me ask you.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: We all kind of side swipe with this nonlinear aspect we're talking about or is it just me?
• 8:22
  Christie: no, I mean, I, I definitely experience that because everything is, like you said, consistently in the same direction for 10 years or so, especially if you have younger children.
• 8:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:33
  Christie: It's kind of hard to remember to shift gears with the one entering these adolescent years.
• 8:39
  Christie: Mm-hmm when you have other kids in the childhood.
• 8:41
  Christie: Years.
• 8:42
  Christie: Oh, that's true.
• 8:43
  Christie: And so you can't treat all of your children the same anymore.
• 8:46
  Christie: Mm-hmm you have to look at them individually and yeah, I was, I was blindsided.
• 8:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:51
  Danae: I, I remember unfortunately hearing myself say, you know, you're 12, you should be able to, right.
• 8:59
  Danae: You know, remember to pick up your clothes or treat your sister nicer, or, you know, these shoulds I would put on.
• 9:06
  Danae: My teenagers, because of exactly what you were saying, Cheryl, it's like, well, that doesn't make sense.
• 9:11
  Danae: You were so responsible to, you know, maybe get your math done.
• 9:15
  Danae: Mm-hmm but then your room's always a mess or, you know, different things.
• 9:19
  Danae: Um, I definitely thought you built that foundation.
• 9:22
  Danae: Like you would do one layer of maturity and then the next layer would happen and then the next layer would happen.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: exactly
• 9:29
  Danae: And I.
• 9:30
  Danae: I don't know if I would've understood that I would've been a lot more compassionate toward mm-hmm my teenagers
• 9:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah, me too.
• 9:38
  Danae: And saying.
• 9:40
  Danae: This is typical.
• 9:41
  Danae: It seems atypical.
• 9:43
  Danae: Right.
• 9:43
  Danae: But this is what happens.
• 9:45
  Danae: So that'd be something I wish I could tell
• 9:46
  Christie: myself.
• 9:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm it would help me keep my emotions in check too, of not feeling frustrated mm-hmm or,
• 9:53
  Cheryl: um, or fear of what, what is wrong with my child?
• 9:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yes.
• 9:57
  Cheryl: Or did I do all the wrong things?
• 9:59
  Cheryl: Why is this happening?
• 10:00
  Cheryl: Right?
• 10:01
  Christie: Yeah,
• 10:01
  Danae: that's what I was thinking too.
• 10:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:02
  Danae: Is that it keeps you from blaming them like they're wrong or, or typically I I'd hear a lot of parents blaming themselves.
• 10:09
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:09
  Danae: If I were just the perfect parent, then my teenager wouldn't be making this choice or acting like
• 10:16
  Christie: this and, or playing it out to the nth degree is what I was always guilty of.
• 10:20
  Christie: They, you know, maybe didn't give me all the information about something I'm like, oh, they lied.
• 10:26
  Christie: Now they're going to be a criminal and they're going to be in prison.
• 10:29
  Christie: And they're, you know, the whole thing.
• 10:31
  Christie: yeah, it would eliminate a lot of fear to notice would at very normal.
• 10:35
  Cheryl: And then you were talking about like, not keeping the room clean or following through.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: And a lot of mine, I saw what we would consider regression mm-hmm Okay.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: Through the middle years we were talking about last time.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:45
  Cheryl: And then trained up and then.
• 10:47
  Cheryl: To the teen years and what they used to follow through with, or do mm-hmm they don't value it quite so much.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: And they start valuing their schedule and their priorities.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: Not leaving the bathroom a mess.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm when they run out to go do something mm-hmm they wouldn't have done it or gotten away with it.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Shall we say at eight and 10 mm-hmm and now it appears that they've regressed at 14, 15, 16.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: That they aren't being as
• 11:15
  Christie: responsible, but really.
• 11:16
  Christie: Their values have just changed because they used to want to just please mama in everything's that makes me
• 11:22
  Danae: think, you know, just to touch on, on the identity piece, Uhhuh, you know, just, I think you're right.
• 11:28
  Danae: Christie, I think where they valued, maybe pleasing mom or dad or being the good girl or something, you know, and then they're teenagers and.
• 11:39
  Danae: They're just trying to figure out what's important to them and right.
• 11:43
  Danae: Definitely a time to shift gears.
• 11:46
  Danae: Like he talked about really spending the majority of the time on
• 11:50
  Cheryl: relationship mm-hmm Yeah.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: I like what Kelly said about that.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: They're trying and testing everything.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Really know who they want to become.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: And so the value that I place on keeping the bathroom straight when you're finished with it as a courtes to everyone is now not the priority to them.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm they have other things that they're trying to figure out.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: And that just isn't a value, right?
• 12:16
  Cheryl: At this point, mm-hmm becoming or being, or trying to figure it out.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I just didn't realize the huge question.
• 12:24
  Cheryl: That of what you're talking about, identity mm-hmm and the tested waters of belief systems mm-hmm or how we view the world or politics.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: And that, that testing that pushing back mm-hmm instead of being a negative, that it's an okay thing.
• 12:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: Let's just explore this
• 12:45
  Christie: mm-hmm well, testing's the perfect word because they.
• 12:49
  Christie: Trying different things every day or every week.
• 12:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm And that is what leaves us with all of these question marks on the parent end.
• 12:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:56
  Christie: Of watching this play out.
• 12:58
  Christie: It's just so confusing to us, not knowing the unknowns of what's going on through their head, that they probably don't even realize and can't articulate.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And if we knew it was supposed to be like that, it brings it all down.
• 13:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 13:10
  Danae: yeah.
• 13:11
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:11
  Danae: you know, what I wanna say about the testing is, and we're talking about the clean rooms and they used to mm-hmm yes.
• 13:17
  Danae: You know, value.
• 13:18
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:19
  Danae: You know, pleasing us is that, I think there's a big question in the adolescent mind that says, will you still love me, even though I'm not
• 13:28
  Christie: perfect.
• 13:29
  Christie: Oh yes.
• 13:30
  Christie: I have seen that.
• 13:31
  Christie: And, and some things that come to the forefront just for shock value, even mm-hmm To test, what will mom do with this?
• 13:39
  Christie: Mm-hmm how will she respond in this situation?
• 13:42
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:43
  Danae: What a great opportunity to let validate them and to validate, validate.
• 13:49
  Cheryl: Where were you all 20 years ago?
• 13:52
  Cheryl: why weren't you saying this to me?
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Because that's such wisdom, because if you say, okay, Cheryl, what is the value system that you had?
• 13:59
  Cheryl: And y'all shared with the children.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: It's loving God loving others.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so if loving them, if I remember that's my highest value for them.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: Then what they say and act and stuff.
• 14:14
  Cheryl: It's not that I quit loving them.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: It's well, as Kelly talked about the alarm button mm-hmm it push my alarm buttons because I reacted to it, right?
• 14:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:23
  Cheryl: Thinking, oh, no.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: instead of saying, you can say anything you want to, I'm just gonna respond.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: Not that I ignore it.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: But it's my
• 14:32
  Christie: response.
• 14:33
  Christie: Right.
• 14:33
  Christie: But when you're in it, you don't have the 30,000 foot view, right?
• 14:37
  Christie: Yes.
• 14:38
  Christie: Of realizing this is not linear.
• 14:40
  Christie: This is a, a part of their development that they're going to circle through some of these things over.
• 14:45
  Christie: And so it is mm-hmm, hard to not react.
• 14:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm out of fear.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: yeah, true
• 14:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:50
  Christie: And when thinking about, um, the alarm fatigue, Uhhuh and pressing the alarm prematurely, or too often, I remember when the first one of my girls came to me and told me about a crush on a boy and it was mutual and
• 15:05
  Cheryl: One of my
• 15:05
  Christie: earlier children.
• 15:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:07
  Christie: we'll leave it in.
• 15:08
  Christie: Van came to me and told me and, and said, and it's mutual.
• 15:11
  Christie: And you know, we're spending more time together and talk about alarm.
• 15:15
  Christie: I found out who his friends were found out who their parents were called, the youth pastor that knew both of them.
• 15:22
  Christie: You know, I wanted to know everything mm-hmm and guess.
• 15:24
  Christie: I never heard about another crush from that child ever again, because she found out that I had been going around town, finding out all the information I could.
• 15:34
  Christie: And, and man, I learned from that, but she regretted that part of our relationship.
• 15:39
  Christie: I think that's
• 15:40
  Danae: a good example of a, a parental natural consequence,
• 15:45
  Christie: right.
• 15:45
  Christie: About, yes.
• 15:46
  Christie: We all learn about from natural with our
• 15:48
  Danae: kids, but yeah, we do.
• 15:49
  Danae: Yeah, for sure.
• 15:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:50
  Danae: I'm having the privilege right now.
• 15:52
  Danae: I have a couple of teenagers in my.
• 15:55
  Danae: That, um, I'm more, you know, like an aunt Uhhuh to who will come to me and, and talk about crushes and talk to me about some different questions and, and I'm really getting to experience that side of not.
• 16:10
  Danae: Overreacting Uhhuh you know, that I really am curious about what they're talking about and you know, with my own kids, I tended to hit that alarm button because I was truly afraid, Christie, like you were saying.
• 16:25
  Danae: And, and so I, I'm getting to experience this and see the power of it because both of these individuals I'm thinking of, they just tell me all.
• 16:33
  Danae: Mm.
• 16:33
  Danae: And they trust me.
• 16:35
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, and it's really a great thing.
• 16:37
  Danae: Well,
• 16:38
  Cheryl: it's not that they don't trust their parents.
• 16:40
  Cheryl: You know, this.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: Something.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: I always pray for my children, that God would have good voices in their life of wisdom and all of that outside of me, because it is good.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: It's sometimes easier to talk to outside of me, mm-hmm but I love that being the safe place.
• 16:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I wish I kept this in the forefront to always really be a safe place, you know, keep that relational bridge cleared up my fears.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Because I'm telling you my fear.
• 17:10
  Danae: the worst case scenario thinking they're
• 17:13
  Cheryl: 400 pound boulders, right on that bridge.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 17:17
  Danae: True.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: Shanti, Feldhahn writes books and one of his, um, for parents only, and I recommend it.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and it's little, but it's so good because she did research and then she brings the research into what she talks about.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: And this is mostly about teens mm-hmm And one of the bits of research and this was, um, not a specific group of children, but just general teenagers.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: And she said I think 95% of the teens Reported that they would share a whole lot more with their parents if they knew their parents, weren't going to overreact.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Think
• 17:57
  Danae: I think that's what I meant by trust.
• 17:58
  Danae: Not that they don't trust parents to take care of them or be safe or to give them, you know, food, shelter, water, but right.
• 18:07
  Danae: Trust that.
• 18:09
  Danae: Not gonna overreact.
• 18:10
  Danae: Right, right.
• 18:11
  Danae: Push that alarm button that's right.
• 18:13
  Christie: Too soon, too soon, too often, they're looking to us to kind of communicate whether this is an area of concern.
• 18:21
  Christie: And they're looking to us to give a certain amount of security on whether they should be panicked about this circumstance.
• 18:26
  Christie: Oh.
• 18:26
  Christie: Or their feelings about something mm-hmm or the way they're living their lives.
• 18:30
  Christie: And, and so if we can stay even killed there, I think that helps them to say, okay, mom's not freaked out about this.
• 18:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm I can continue to talk to her about this and, and get some wisdom.
• 18:40
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:41
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:41
  Danae: That's great.
• 18:42
  Cheryl: I really like that Christie because we don't want to ignore mm-hmm we have to be engaged.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: That's why we have to be students of them like Dr.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: Stevens is saying, listen to them.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: for me, I have to bring down my own fear.
• 18:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so that I can watch and stay engaged Just be a little cautious about pushing the nine one one button.
• 19:06
  Cheryl: Regularly all the time.
• 19:07
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah
• 19:08
  Cheryl: and know when it is time.
• 19:10
  Cheryl: To push the alarm.
• 19:11
  Cheryl: There are times parents that we do need to pursue and follow, and Mm-hmm and sometimes there is a serious issue.
• 19:19
  Christie: Definitely
• 19:20
  Cheryl: For example, I was pretty good about my kids with physically getting hurt and I let'em push a lot of boundaries.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Climb trees, fall tumble, scrapes, take the chance of breaking arms.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: all the good stuff.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: giggle Yeah.
• 19:35
  Cheryl: I was pretty good on that.
• 19:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm let me give you an example.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: when.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: I did push the alarm.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: So it was when.
• 19:44
  Cheryl: My younger two girls were five and a half and seven and a half.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: And the older one was running a little fever and didn't feel good.
• 19:51
  Cheryl: And she was lying down.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: I went to cook dinner and then, uh, Jojo said, mom, I don't feel good.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: She didn't have a fever bust.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: Well, why don't you.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: We had a, we had a lazy boy.
• 20:02
  Cheryl: That was the go-to for when you didn't feel good.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Yeah.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: And so she went over there and I wasn't 15 feet from her, but around the corner mm-hmm and I just felt like I was supposed to go check on him.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: And I went in and y'all Joanna's lips were blue.
• 20:20
  Cheryl: Her face was white.
• 20:21
  Cheryl: She was not breathing.
• 20:22
  Cheryl: Her heart was not beating.
• 20:23
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 20:23
  Cheryl: I picked her up and shook her.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: She didn't revive.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: This is a time to push the alarm.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: It turned out well, mm-hmm it was a feveral seizure.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: She had spiked a fever, turned out they had chicken pots but we didn't know what it was until four o'clock the next morning at the hospital, Mm-hmm
• 20:43
  Christie: Wow.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Part of what brought my fear down is I knew how to do CPR.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: And so that's what I did.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: So you were prepared, right?
• 20:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: But I go alarm button.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: So I would recommend anybody listening this, this is just a freebie mm-hmm learn CPR.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah, because it matters.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: Oh, but anyway, so that's an example.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: There are times parents that we do need to To push the alarm.
• 21:09
  Danae: but
• 21:09
  Cheryl: you
• 21:09
  Danae: Were
• 21:09
  Cheryl: prepared, right?
• 21:10
  Cheryl: Yes but it was the scariest thing.
• 21:14
  Danae: Of course.
• 21:15
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:16
  Danae: As you're telling that story, you know, I'm, I'm just kind of thinking back to when all my kids were in the house and, and definitely had a couple of issues that I was really paying attention to.
• 21:30
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, I had a child that I would say was borderline, um, to be anorexic mm-hmm and, uh, you know, so I was watching, I was listening.
• 21:42
  Danae: but I didn't push the alarm.
• 21:44
  Danae: Mm-hmm I was just really paying a attention to this, you know, and it it's something we've talked about now.
• 21:51
  Danae: And, and I was right, but I think being able to stay there and be engaged with her to not have a lot of fear, but.
• 21:59
  Danae: but just listen, help that situation.
• 22:01
  Danae: And then had another child that I was concerned really for, for their safety, um, struggling with some depression mm-hmm wow.
• 22:11
  Danae: And I you know, paid attention for, for a long period of time.
• 22:16
  Danae: You know, but there, there came a time when I knew I needed to ask some of the very pointed, serious questions about her thoughts and what was going on with her.
• 22:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 22:27
  Danae: Mm-hmm
• 22:27
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: And.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: In a similar type things.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: There have been things I've had to watch in my children also mm-hmm to make sure that there wasn't that deeper, more serious thing going on.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I went and found out what kind of questions do I need to be asking?
• 22:45
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:46
  Cheryl: What do I need to look for?
• 22:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Like Kelly was talking about the assessments and there's a lot of good information.
• 22:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, we're particularly talking about mental health.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: But also other health issues, but particularly mental health mm-hmm And with one of mine, I felt like it was serious enough where we had to have a conversation.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: And this was an older teen young adult.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: about depression and so forth.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: And mm-hmm and ask some direct questions mm-hmm because there is a place to pursue.
• 23:16
  Danae: 100%.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, so it's this a kind of tricky balance mm-hmm of not too soon, but mm-hmm, being prepared when it is time.
• 23:25
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:26
  Danae: And I just wanna say to all the parents, like, don't be afraid to ask your children the hard questions.
• 23:31
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:31
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 23:32
  Christie: Oh yes.
• 23:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:33
  Christie: And I, I think what we're saying here is, is really what Dr.
• 23:37
  Christie: Stevens was wanting to communicate.
• 23:38
  Christie: I, I know is hard as a patient or while my kids are patients but sometimes I feel like I'm the patient um, maybe I, I get the counseling side, they get the medical side, but, you know, I remember there was time.
• 23:49
  Christie: My youngest was about a year old and all my kids were.
• 23:52
  Christie: Seven down to one.
• 23:54
  Christie: So our house was a little chaotic, you know, mm-hmm and I saw her kind of standing up at one of the pull up toys and I, I was fixing things in the kitchen and I look over and I see her putting something in her mouth.
• 24:05
  Christie: Oh.
• 24:06
  Christie: So I'm darting to her and I get close enough.
• 24:09
  Christie: Before she puts it in her mouth to realize it's a dime.
• 24:12
  Christie: Oh no.
• 24:12
  Christie: That she had found I would've freaked.
• 24:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:15
  Christie: So she puts it in her out.
• 24:16
  Christie: She swallows it before.
• 24:17
  Christie: I mean, you know, it's like slow motion when we played in my mind, but so I called Dr.
• 24:22
  Christie: Steven's office, talked to the nurse and they're like, well, yeah, let's bring her in.
• 24:25
  Christie: And.
• 24:25
  Christie: So they do an x-ray mm-hmm and they say, okay, well here's the dime, but what is this?
• 24:32
  Christie: Oh, I was horrified.
• 24:35
  Christie: I was like, uh, I don't know, but I think we're about to find out and the next day or so.
• 24:39
  Christie: So we're checking diapers, poly, you know, like you do, Um, so eventually the other things pass, one of them being a polyp pocket purse of a big sister, um, and you know, so Dr.
• 24:51
  Christie: Stevens calls and tells me about this and he says, but you know, it, it's fine because these were small enough items to pass, but we need to be careful.
• 24:59
  Christie: Cuz if it had been a quarter or a watch battery, it could have been something really dangerous.
• 25:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:03
  Christie: And so, you know, it left me thinking, okay, I need to up my game on making sure the other girls keep their things picked up and Heidi.
• 25:10
  Christie: So it was good.
• 25:11
  Christie: And like he said, he's really good about being relaxed on things, which I'm so appreciate.
• 25:16
  Christie: But also like we're saying here, remembering there are some areas of, or lines that can be crossed that we're like, okay, this is something to catch my attention and pay extra attention to.
• 25:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 25:27
  Danae: So we're not saying just, oh, don't ever worry about anything.
• 25:31
  Danae: Just relax, let your kids do whatever they want.
• 25:33
  Christie: But for characterized by being.
• 25:37
  Christie: Calm about things and receptive of different things that our teens are going through.
• 25:41
  Christie: Mm-hmm, they're less likely to hold back from us and more likely to share.
• 25:47
  Christie: And yeah, and it
• 25:47
  Danae: helps us move.
• 25:48
  Danae: We talk about young adults and our relationships with them and into adulthood.
• 25:52
  Danae: You know, this is really where that funnel of parenting gets really wide.
• 25:57
  Danae: Sure does.
• 25:57
  Danae: Mm-hmm because.
• 25:58
  Danae: That's really, I think the only way you can have relationships with them is if they can talk to you about things and you're curious and you're calm right.
• 26:07
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 26:08
  Cheryl: So what I hear you all, and Dr.
• 26:12
  Cheryl: Stevens saying is I'm the one who has to be mature and change.
• 26:17
  Christie: Aw, man.
• 26:18
  Cheryl: And be self-aware and other aware and sensitive and loving.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: and to the degree I can do that, I can love my children better.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 26:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yep.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: And knock those things off that relationship bridge mm-hmm yeah.
• 26:34
  Cheryl: So that they can come across when they want to mm-hmm right.
• 26:37
  Christie: Yeah, because we're working.
• 26:39
  Christie: In a relationship that we hope is a lifelong relationship.
• 26:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 26:43
  Christie: So that bridge being Cleared right now is going to continue to set the tone.
• 26:48
  Christie: Mm-hmm in our relationship with our adult children.
• 26:51
  Danae: True.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: And one of the things I learned, cuz I made so many mistakes that as I began to move the things off the bridge mm-hmm it changed things.
• 27:01
  Cheryl: So we don't have to mm-hmm have the way cleared.
• 27:04
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:05
  Cheryl: But my desire is to love you so much.
• 27:07
  Cheryl: I wanna take this off.
• 27:09
  Cheryl: And then the children start seeing, oh, there's more clear space on this bridge.
• 27:15
  Christie: Oh, I can see that.
• 27:16
  Christie: Yeah, that really is good.
• 27:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:17
  Christie: You know, funny thing the other day, one of my girls said, mom, it's not that we like sit around and talk about that.
• 27:24
  Christie: You are a bad mom.
• 27:27
  Christie: okay.
• 27:27
  Christie: Oh no.
• 27:27
  Christie: And she said, but.
• 27:29
  Christie: One of my sisters and I were talking the other day and in this area, we're so glad you're healthier in that area now.
• 27:34
  Christie: Wow.
• 27:35
  Christie: And so just to your point, it's not ever too late.
• 27:38
  Christie: if you've left some things on the bridge that have prevented relationship, it's okay.
• 27:43
  Christie: If you look back and take inventory and realize, okay, I need to reevaluate on some of these things.
• 27:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:48
  Christie: There's always time.
• 27:49
  Christie: Fantastic.
• 27:50
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 27:51
  Cheryl: That is great.
• 27:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:54
  Cheryl: Thank y'all so much.
• 27:55
  Cheryl: Isn't this fun?
• 27:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so even with just the three of us, our time is gone.
• 28:00
  Christie: Wow it's really is good.
• 28:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 28:02
  Cheryl: So parents, look forward to next week with you.
• 28:05
  Cheryl: See then, parents hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth.
• 28:19
  Cheryl: Well, I'm going to give you more details about this second helping.
• 28:24
  Cheryl: This is actually from episode number 49, and we referred to as a specific episode by Dr.
• 28:31
  Cheryl: Kelly Stevens, which worst episode 47.
• 28:35
  Cheryl: Again, another one of our listeners' favorite.
• 28:38
  Cheryl: So you can go back anytime into the archives on your podcasting app or on our website, www the parenting podcast.com, and listen again to those episodes or any other.
• 28:52
  Cheryl: Next week we'll continue with the team in a conversation that deals with the challenges of having your kids re.
• 29:00
  Cheryl: While they're still under your parenting at home.
• 29:04
  Cheryl: Until then, thanks for listening to the Parenting podcast.
• 29:09
  Cheryl: And remember, at T P P our goal is always to help you flourish and to bring your heart hope.