Latest / Mane AF / EP #6 You Ring the Bell. Then Cancer Moves the Goalposts.

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EP #6 You Ring the Bell. Then Cancer Moves the Goalposts. · Mane AF

• Renae Geerlings: So have I done anything to piss you off this week? Yeah. God. I mean, it was a whole week. Yeah. You had a you had a good run up. I had a huge work promotion this week, and you were so mad at me because I wasn't working on your stuff. Because you don't have respect for the fact that I have any other job other than. What you wanna do. Well, that's just bullshit. It's not just my stuff. Whose podcast is this? It's our stuff. Who who's the smart one on this podcast? Like you're come on. I have to have something that's outside of the house that makes me feel like it's not just in the house. I have to have something outside of the house and yet you do it in the goddamn house. I know, but it's outside the house. I have to talk to the I have to talk to people outside the house. I have meetings with companies that are like big important companies. It was a big it was a big expensive promotion we were doing this week and it and it came off. And I was very happy and you were not supportive. And we're gonna have to get we're gonna have to get a counselor on here to talk to us about being a couple that works together. Well, you're supposed to be working together then. We're supposed to be working together and building our business, our brand, not building somebody else's. I think you're being selfish. And that's why I was mad. Did I piss you off this week? let me count the ways. I know. Yeah. I'm an overachiever. I will continue to excel at that. I I don't even know where to begin anymore. It's just like our life is one complete blithering mess. Well, and we had a new wrinkle this week with the cancer treatment, which is what today's episode is about. So that probably fueled a little bit of our bickering. Yeah, probably. But I I mean, like you keep running after me around the whole house. Put your sock on. Put your sock on. It's so fucking annoying. Listen, if there's one thing we've learned through this process, it's listen to your wife. Listen to your wife. That's what we've learned. I'm trying to save your life. All right, so what are we talking about Today we're gonna go into the second part of your cancer journey. Mane AF Podcast: Hey, everybody, before we get started, I have a really quick favor to ask of you. If you would just hit the follow or subscribe button, every single person really does help us. We're just starting out and it helps us find a wider audience. So make sure you hit the subscribe, like, follow, share on all the platforms, YouTube especially, and come hang out with us on our social medias, our social medias at mainaf. Pod and on TikTok at main af pod one. I can't speak today, baby. Renae Geerlings: Hi, I'm Tyler Mane And I'm Renae Geerlings. And this is Mane AF. Last time we talked about the beginning of Tyler's cancer journey, from diagnosis to surgery to starting chemo. And we left off when his beard started falling out. And I thought, okay, four rounds of chemo, get through it, check the box, move on. Except cancer apparently does not give a shit about your checklist. Nope. There were cramps, the beard, hives. My arm's suddenly not working right. And then just when chemo finally was behind us and radiation was about to begin, a blood clot. And because Tyler has factor five Leiden, this wasn't just one more weird thing that happened. It raised a whole new set of questions about what this means now and what it means moving forward. So today we're talking about the part of cancer treatment. Nobody really explains to you. What happens when you reach the finish line? And somebody keeps moving the damn finish. That's what we're talking about today. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a frustrating it's been a frustrating couple weeks, honestly. Yeah. I thought And by the way, I know this is probably the 20th time I've said this. Who decides to start a podcast in the middle of chemo and cancer treatment? Well, I wanted to document it. Properly. Like I wanted to document going through it so people could see and and get our true honest reactions. And yeah, it was kind of a silly idea. But I'm an overachiever. So you are constantly biting off more than I can chew. I would I would say that's that's how I would look at it. Well, So in the last episode when we talked about the first portion of your cancer journey, and I just have to say, I'm looking at you right now and you look like you have piercings on your face. Because they're pimples. Because I've tried to clean out my pores in the I think I think it's your hair follicles. No, you don't you we don't do that, Tyler. You should have let me put makeup on it. No. You're letting it all hang out, warts and all I don't I don't take three hours to get ready to go in front of the podcast. I just throw on a t shirt and here I am. Well, I only take an hour now because you yelled at me when I put too much makeup on. You said I looked like Medusa. You weren't wrong. But apparently I wasn't the only person that said that. Now you're just being mean. Well Maybe we need to get a makeup person on this show. Yes, we do. Here's here are my I'm gonna I'm gonna put this into the universe. How old are you? How old are you? I'm gonna put this into the universe. I a long time ago made some decision that I didn't know or care about fashion or style or anything. I just threw my hands up. It's too hard. I'm too much of a perfectionist. So the minute I start trying to do it, it gets overwhelming, expensive. I do it wrong. I don't look good. I don't, I don't know. It's a learned helplessness. But I'm just gonna put it into the universe that at some point I'm gonna have my own stylist and hair and makeup person for this podcast. You heard it first. It it may take 10 years, but I'm gonna have it. I'm gonna have somebody else put me together so that I look decent. But you but you wanna know what? When you wake up in the morning, you look gorgeous. That was the right thing to say. Great. You look fine, and then you go right on into that makeup chair and you Paint yourself up crazily and you come out, no, don't I look good? You look better, natural baby. Aww. That's you are the kind of person that can walk into the makeup chair, sit down, and they go, You don't need anything. No one has ever said that to me before. In fact, when I was doing a pageant in college, the woman was doing my makeup and stood back and looked at her work and said to me, isn't it amazing what makeup can do? Apparently, I just can't do that kind of makeup. So these are the kind of things you carry with you through your life. You know what I mean? I just did you just snort bubble out my nose. Come on. No, look at hey There are reasons I have insecurities. Do you understand that most people listen to this driving in their car or in their headset while they're working out at the gym or whatever? Well, I hope not at the gym, but whatever they're doing. They are at the gym. Whatever they're doing. There's probably maybe one percent that is even gonna see this clip. So don't take it so seriously. It's a podcast. I know, but someone will see it and someone will look at it like I do and be like, my god, the flyaways. my god, the flyaways. Look at I'm showing up in all my chemo glory here. Let's do this with my pimples on my face and everything. Here we go. So where did we leave off last time? Well, last time we left off when you lost your beard. But I actually did want to go back because after we finished that episode, we realized we left out a couple funny little things, like our first time sitting in your oncologist's office. God. Which is for the most part a a women's breast. for the most part? Yeah. She sees maybe three peop three men a year. So it's mainly for the women. Right. And everything is pink around there. And it's not pink. It just feels pink. It's very feminine. Everything is very geared to women. And then cut to this last week when we went to your first radiation appointment and they played a video for you. They make you sit in the room and watch a video about radiation treatment. And this time there was no, this might be geared toward women. They said multiple times over and over and over in this video that you're watching women with breast cancer, women with breast cancer, women with breast cancer. And I was like, dang, dude. I mean, wow. It's like it's mainly women that are area. What about people? People with breast cancer. People with breast cancer. I know there's very few men, but it's definitely kind of ostracizing when you're a man and you go in there. I mean, there's a reason. Why people don't want to talk about it. That's it. I kind of fell asleep during it because I was like, whatever I actually got not even good boobies to look at. I got a video thing, so that's rude. I know it was rude. But I hey, I'm right there with them. I got a video of you sleeping while the video was talking about fatigue and how you were going to find fatigue. And I look over at you and you're like Anyway. It's a great video. Anyway. Great video. Yeah, I remember sitting sit and this and this is a testament how you've got me and I appreciate it. I was sitting in that office with all my breast cancer pamphlets on my lap. the first visit. In the first visit, and I was looking around and on the wall is you got this girl. You go girl you know, all this and I'm like, I I I looked like a deer in the headlight and you saw what I was looking at and you kinda just reach over and go, those feet. And I remember this day the role of breast cancer survivor will be played by Renae Gearlings. Right. Until they come in the room and go, Mr. Mane. And all heads. Yeah. That was kind of funny. It it was I hey, it's a rare thing. It's like it's like my oncologist said, she said that she sees maybe three men a year and out of all the women that she sees. So it is a very rare, rare thing. Yeah. Yeah. And last time when we talked about it, we we didn't talk about how part of the journey before you started Chemotherapy, even was the medications that they put you on. And one of the medications that they put you on was an estrogen blocker. I guess we did mention that a little bit. We've mentioned tamoxifen. But one of the side effects, and they said this at the time, so I'm kind of angry that I didn't speak up because there was a like a passing cloud through my head that went, Tyler has that blood clot thing. And blood clots are one of the big side effects of tamoxifen, same as, for example, the birth control. Yes. It's a blood clot mutation, right? You have clotting Yes, you have something called factor five Leiden, which is a another genetic mutation. You're just you are a mutant. You just keep living up to the mutant. and this was something that was on your your blood work, your genetic testing a long time ago, something that was part of the the basic package that that we're we were starting for the TRT and the HRT and trying to get my hormones and everything in check. That was one of the markers that came back that that you had this mutation and that means that you are very prone to blood clots. And again, when we got that information, what they The first thing they said was if you have children and you have a daughter, you need to make sure that she gets this checked if she has this mutation as well. Because if she has the factor five Leiden mutation, she is sixty times more likely to get a blood clot if she's on the birth control pill. So she cannot be on the birth control pill. Right. So And we talked to her about that at the time and we made sure that everything was good. Promptly forgot because once again they didn't make anything like for men. Right. It wasn't like a right. I I mean, I put all of that stuff in the back of my mind and I try to forget it. I guess that's maybe how I'm so resilient and keep moving forward, but ignorance is bliss. Totally. But and that's how I keep thriving so much. Cause if I drudged up all the shit that this is what this podcast this podcast is gonna tear me down, you're gonna get all these therapists on here, they're gonna drudge up all the shit from my past, and I'm just gonna be blithering idiot on this. Now who's manifesting negativity? Maybe I know I should just shush up. Okay, what is it? What if everything comes out amazing, Tyler? Everything is coming out amazing, Tyler. What if the universe has your back and you get the perfect guests on and everything gets better? Then I am glad we did this podcast. Life is the sum total of the questions you ask yourself. Ask yourself better questions, Tyler. Okay. Well, you ask me better questions. Go for it. So So then so we'll go back to this. So this was we went to a last time I said we were in Cincinnati, but it was Indianapolis. We went to Indianapolis. Because we saw the Indianapolis. My girls. I I I am not a sports fan. Sorry to sports fans. I am a sports fan for one team, and it is the fever. Yeah, you made me go and stand and wait for like an hour before we were supposed to be there, just waiting for Yeah. Standing around waiting, waiting, waiting. Yeah. In the lobby by ourselves. Yeah. It was fun. Yeah. love them. But that was so anyway, we were there. and and that was the first time I think you mentioned that your foot was swelling. Well, no, no, no. I I I gotta tell you, that that is the first time you've come with me on a convention in a long time. My left foot always swells when I fly. And and that's why I had to change from deciding whether I'm gonna have whiskey or or bourbon or wine on the plane to wearing my compression socks and making sure I take my aspirin so my ankles don't swell. So how long has that been? About a year now. I more than a year. I mean, every time I fly, my ankle swell because just that one. sometimes the other one does a little bit too, but it goes away a lot quicker because there's so much, I guess, trauma in my ankle from from the wrestling. That's the one that I really ratcheted up bad. So you didn't think anything of it when the ankle started swelling. No, not at all. Ugh. This is one more of those wake up calls that we didn't realize was an alarm. So that happened. And then you actually did it kind of came down. The next we the next convention you did during your treatment was there there was a long delay between them, which is why we scheduled your chemo to start when it did. Because you told me you did not want to cancel any shows. And I said you're gonna have to cancel shows. And you said, No, I'm not. And so to help that W I scheduled your first chemo appointment so that the three weeks would land over top of your existing schedule in such a way that the conventions would not be right after treatment, that they would be as much as I could in the third week. Now, as we got further along, that didn't work out as well. Right. Well, and I thought you were taking the the shot to increase the white blood cell count. What is that? I never say what it is. What is that called Neulasta I think. Neulasta I think it is too. You can tell we're not sponsored by them yet. I love that. If you but if you sponsor my show, I will say your name correctly. But I I would taking that, the doctor said it should be fine, should be able to travel and everything. I just didn't know how the chemo was gonna hit me. And then the one time, luckily it was close to Atlanta here and I was able to drive. But of course, you were gone in In Michigan. So I did the drive by myself and there was some craziness because it was it was But that wasn't your ankle. No, that wasn't my ankle. That was just that Friday. But I'm gonna I'm just saying my ankle now you're jumping ahead. Since the yes. I'm jumping ahead. that's why I was just setting that marker so that we could hit it when we come back. So first round. And we we talked about this a little time a little bit last time, but the first round, you started the steroids the Sunday, the day before. Sunday the day before. Felt great in Indianapolis. It was my last hurrah. Didn't know what I was going into. And then that Monday morning, went in for my first appointment. And you did it all wrong, you said later. I did. I did not hydrate properly and you fought me on the ice boots. This is one of the things that they give you for this. specific TC regimen is to fight the neuropathy, is they have you buy ice gloves and ice socks. So you put them in the freezer overnight and then you wear them during the chemotherapy, which keeps the veins constricted in your hands and feet so that the chemicals don't s sit there and pool and you don't get neuropathy. That first week though, you put them on at the beginning and then you kind of kicked them off. And refused to keep Yes, you did. I I put them on and wore because they said you just need to wear it for the first bag of of s chemicals. Buddy, I watched you. I sat there and those socks were on the floor. You would put the hands on sometimes, but you did not want the socks on, and you kept getting up and going to the bathroom over and over and over, and you just never put the socks back on. I needed to go to the bathroom. And what happened? me cramping up. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but that's not from that. That's from not taking in enough water. And electrolytes. And electrolytes. And also probably from not having the ice socks on at all. Listen to your wife. Honestly, I'm just gonna make t shirts that have our logo on it that say listen to your wife. Anyway, so as I was fighting you with that, yes, and trying to do my work calls in the middle of your chemo. Yes. And then you raced out, came home, felt great until got the shot the next day. You got the shot, the new whatever shot. Neulasta Neulasta Yeah, now you're saying it right. You said you weren't gonna say it right. I'm not sure it's right. But yeah, I got that shot. And you're supposed to take what is it? Claritin. Claritin, to stop the histamine response. Well, I didn't think a histamine response would be that bad, but apparently it is. So then I started just loading up on the histamine and my hands and feet cramped in the middle of the night that Wednesday, which was two days after the steroids. started wearing off and I was screaming in bed. and you Yeah, you were pretty bad. Pried my hands and feet apart and kinda made me Yeah. Yeah, I was I was trying to what were we were doing like massage. We were doing massage. I think you even got maybe a heated blanket or something. We had Yeah, it was it was we were doing everything. Trying to get you at all comfortable that night. That was really bad. I was very worried that night. Yeah. and we did touch on that last time. And then by that was so Monday was chemo, Wednesday night was horrible, Thursday you felt awful. Yes. When did you start feeling better? That that Friday I started feeling better. you know, there was it was I was a little tired and stuff, but it was stuff, but it was still the first round of chemo. And so I was like, I'm recovering good from this. It's it's okay. I'm cleaning it out of my system. I still felt a little bit draggy because you the chemicals are in your body for the first seven days, and then it takes you the the next two weeks just to try to get back to normal and start feeling better. I was able to work out in the gym, but not as hard as I usually do. but it was still I was like feeling. sluggish recovering and everything. But this the craziest part is I knew that after the two weeks of getting better and feeling better, I had to go do it all again. And I have a question for you because when you started this, yes, this chemo, you tackled it sort of like you did your hip surgeries. And as you said before, hip surgery is hip surgery and then done and then rehab. This is chemo infusion. Chemicals in your body feel like crap. And yet Recover, recover, and then feel like crap again. Right. But yet you kind of started that first round the same way you did with the hips, where you were trying to get in the gym and you were trying to really work out. And at some point, at some point you had a realization that you needed to pull back a little bit. Tell me about that. Yeah. You know, I mean, well, first of all, I want to go back to I fought the chemo. Hard. I did not want to go to chemo because I did not know what it was going to do with the Yes, there are many nurses who will say that you are a bit of a butthead. I I did not want many to go to chemo and and I was trying I was fighting it. I had to get in my head that it was gonna be okay, that I could do this and it'll be fine. Did that ever happen? I Obviously, because I went to the first round of chemo, but I I had to tackle that and charge in. And I said, I guess I was just like, fuck it, it's gonna be what it's gonna be. And then when I started to go through that first round, I was feeling okay after the first week. And I was like, this isn't gonna be that bad. I can do this. I can do this. I can make it through this. And then And then you went to the second round? Second round. And and you came and you nailed it, right? You felt you drank a lot of water, you kept the ice packs on. Wednesday came after you got your shot on Tuesday. Wednesday came, but that one seemed a little better. Is that true? it did. Was that the was that the round that I got the hives or was that? Well, yeah, I was getting to that next. So Wednesday Wednesday night was okay. Thursday for the second round. Yeah. I mean, it was feeling I was I was I knew what I was Gonna expect. And once I hydrated, I was fine. I was like, okay, we got this. And then I think I went in to get my nine or ten day blood test where they check to make sure your white blood cell counts, your red blood cell counts. Was this the second week? And it was the second week. Yes. I was steaming along fine. You were and I I had that blood draw from my left arm. Which is the side where everything was removed from. I don't know if that's what caused it. I don't think it did. But I started breaking out in hives. Around the what do you say injection site, the draw site for It was the draw site right in your site. You had a big welt. Welting up there. I thought, that's not good, but it's And when did this happen? that was That was right after that blood draw. It it started at what time? of course everything happens at night. It was about 3 30 in the morning. Yeah, everything happens at night. I started getting so, so itchy all over my body. And I was like, what is going on? And of course I hadn't looked in the mirror to see what was going on. And then You ran into the bedroom. I came turned the lights on, threw the covers off me and said I can't stop itching. My face is on fire. Do I have welts? And I sort of blinked my eyes and was like, it's one of those moments where you're like, Do I want to tell him how bad it is? Like, it was so bad. But it was your arm, it was your underarm, your left in the crook of your left arm, my neck. Your left armpit. And then you looked like you had. You look like a redneck. You were a redneck. You looked like you had a white t shirt line. Well, you looked like you had a white t-shirt line at the base of your neck and that you had sunburn all up the front of your neck and it extended all the way to all through where your beard is. And someone said later it can hit the areas where those fast turnover cells are. So like where hair growth is. Yeah. and then anything that chafes, which would be your armpits and But it other areas. But over the the period of that, it moved around my whole body. I went I I talked to the the doctor. He said go to a dermatologist. I went to the no, the first of all they said go into an emergency, urgence care or an emergency room. I went into urgent care and someone was hacking and spitting and spewing. I was like, Nope, not gonna do this because my immune system is compromised. So I turned around and marched right out of there. And I was like, how am I gonna survive this? Then he said, go try and book an appointment with a dermatologist. I checked with the dermatologist and they were three, four weeks out. And I said, Hey, I'm going through chemotherapy and I have these rashes. I really need to somebody see somebody. And they worked me in with a different registered nurse Pm-PA, whatever they are. Nurse practitioner. Nurse practitioner, whatever. And Gave me some prednisolon stuff to take that didn't work. It did a bit. The only thing that really I'm gonna take you back a second. Okay, I'm gonna please drink you're missing you're missing pieces. This is why you're here. Mm-hmm. So this is what we came to realize later. Was it Wednesday? And it was Wednesday night was the first time you had the reaction. I think it was nine days later. Well, it was I think you got your shot on Wednesday. Yeah, because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday would be nine. Wednesday you went in, you had your blood draw. Wednesday you also drank for the first time something that you always used to take, which was your amino acid complex. Yeah, the amino acid didn't think anything of it because I was working out. feeling we always better and I was taking the amino acids to to keep my energy up and and not look like a cancer patient. So that was Wednesday afternoon, 3 30 in the morning is when you started with the hive breakout. The next day you went in and I think you talked to Dr. Feinstein on Thursday. Didn't you go down to their office and they gave you the prednisolone and you started taking it? Yes. Yes. You started taking the prednozolone which is a a titrated Medication where you take like six, then five, then four, then three, then two, then one. It also makes you very irritable and aggressive. Well, which is on top of your itching, a very unpleasant for your wife. Well. But then on Thursday, in your infinite wisdom, you also happened to say to me as I was walking past you, talking to my friend on the phone, Well, I took the amino acids yesterday and I'm gonna drink again. So if I break out, we'll know. What did it be? No. Why there was no part of you that was like, hey, I'm gonna avoid anything that might have made me that miserable, I will never know. Because I needed I wanted that extra boost in the gym. And I'm are you trying to show me how to use a microphone? Sit back, sit back, sit back, sit off of the microphone. Mm-hmm. She's always telling me what to do. This is just so Yeah, well, you do it and then you immediately leave it. But you know what? When we hear the podcast, we can hear my voice and your But mine sounds better. Okay. So I was trying to give myself a little extra boost for my workouts so that maybe I could recover from the workout better. Mm-hmm. And what happened after you took the second dose? I broke out even worse. It was awful. Right. And it was every where Amplified everything, yes. All over the place. I was going crazy. my job was to cover you in ice, like that little house on the prairie episode when Almonzo had a fever and they had to cover him in ice so that they could bring his temperature down. But for you, ice was the only thing that made you feel better. So I just kept rotating. You know what's frozen. If I would have had an ice bath, I could have gone sat in it and it would have been fine. Well, I told you to put ice in the bathtub and you need a special unit. Maybe one of Should have gone over to Zach's house and used his. Yeah, probably. Anyway, so that was not good. So then you ended up going to the dermatologist who gave you a shot, another steroid shot in the bum yeah, that's right. How do you not remember these things? Because I block all this crap out of the I feel like I'm going through early amnesia, early Alzheimer's. And then suddenly I realize that it's because I can't remember any of my own stuff because I am carrying. All of the stuff that you should be remembering. Well, I'm Another steroid shot in the butt. Yes, I or whatever it was. I don't know whether I don't know exactly that was Friday. That was Friday. That didn't work. Nothing worked. And I was losing my mind all weekend. And then I talked to my oncologist, the d the Dr. Feinstein. Dr. Feinstein. Who came through. Yes. And put me on the steroids that I would take prior to chemo, the day before and that. So he gave me those leading into it and he was a little concerned because it was six days before the next round of chemo and he was kind of concerned about pushing those extra steroid days in there. But I said to him, I said, There's no way I'm going to make it through this week. No, it's I'm there's no way I'm gonna postpone the chemo treatment because I have places to be. Right. So I need to hit these days exactly as they land. And so I took it for the first three days, I believe, and I was feeling great, better. I backed off of them and didn't take them and I was fine. And then started them again when I went into chemo to kick it completely. So for the third round. And then then so that was still the second round. The third round you went in. I was not here. You a tempo I did by myself. I had gone home to it. I had a high school reunion, a college reunion, and I had a bunch of stuff to do with my family for in with my dad and estate and helping my uncle. And so I was gone for a week, and boy did I get guilted. I handled it very well. I packed my bag like a good little Chemo soldier or whatever your chemo school soldier, whatever you want to call it, pack my bag by myself. I even put food in there for myself. Hold please. Now wait. I'm gonna go back to this again because we've brought this up before. Yeah. You put me on blast on social media because there is another couple who was there with us the first two rounds. Yes. A sweet little couple, very lovely. Hispanic couple who Always had enchiladas or burritos or food. I don't know if it was food that smelled amazing. It was amazing. It smelled really good. And they would always smile at me and go But they would not offer you any food. No sharing. Sharing's caring, people. And I left to go home. Yep. And and what did I do? What did I send you on Sunday? What did I send you on Sunday, Tyler? you can do it by yourself. What did I send you on Sunday, Tyler? You sent me a bunch of burnt chicken and beef from Chipotle. You said I sent you two bags. I sent you a full family meal. Yes. Well with all the fixings size, all the sides, burrito adjacent. I sent you all the food to get you through chemo. What Because you kept saying she gives her husband burritos. And then on Monday, you had the audacity to go online and say that I didn't give you any food and that this woman always brings her husband wonderful food and I didn't give him any food when I had, in fact, just supplied you with not just a burrito, not just a burrito, not just uno burrito. I had sent you. Days worth of food to make sure you were taken care of. You understand Lysander's living here, right? That's he ate all that food before, so I had to go take my frog fuel. Look, that's there was a little bit left. He left me a little bit. I wasn't gonna make a burrito and take it. Frog fuel was way easier. But thank you for ordering me that. Once again, my husband is saying that I don't feed him when I do. I do. I provide. All right. Moving forward. Having a So this was the third round. my god. And I was not here. I was in Michigan. Yeah. And somebody was a little mad. And you mail ordered me burritos. That I wasn't what did you do? What did you do? What were they? They were It was a it was an entire family buffet. It was family buffet, but but there was queso and door dashed it or what did you do? I door dashed it. Yeah. I made sure you had it. Food I get from you. It's good. You are an ingrate. All right. Wasn't fresh like she had. Okay. So yes, I had the I went to chemo by myself, took my s took my hand things and my feet things and I put them on. And I did all of that by myself. By myself. And then you went to a convention, which I told you absolutely not to go to. That was one of the cons. I said absolutely don't you said I'm gonna drive. Right. I was gonna drive. It'll be fine. I did the chemo on Monday and I thought I'll be fine. Friday could be a little rough, but I'll get through it. And then and chemo is cumulative for some reason. I couldn't left lift my right arm past my chest. And I but but the good thing is that I was driving. I was driving to that, which was good. What's not great is that you call your wife or text your wife and say something like, I can't lift my arm above my shoulder. At which point I, who was getting ready to go to my a a high school reunion, panic and can't get a hold of you. And now you won't talk to me because I should be there with you. And I'm trying to look up what this could possibly mean online. And it could have been a blood clot. It obviously wasn't. But there was a lot of different things that it could be. And I was trying to ask what symptoms you were having. And suddenly radio silence from your end, which is a little rough for me when I'm in the middle of trying to have a good time. trying to have a good time. You could have just said I'm fine. Reunion. You go every year with those girls. This was high school. I haven't had a high school. This wasn't even my high school reunion. This was I was crashing the high school reunion of the year ahead of me with my best friend Julie because my class doesn't do reunions, apparently. Wait, what? It wasn't even mine. But I hung out with that class a lot. It wasn't our high school reunion. I told you this. You don't listen to me. You It was Julie's high school reunion. You forsook me and my chemo for a high school reunion that wasn't even yours. With my best friend, and it was mine. No, it wasn't. It was hers. It was it was also mine. Well, I crashed it. my God. But anyhow, yes, I couldn't lift my arm. It felt like I had pinched nerves or something in my arm. I don't know what it was. Lasted pretty much the whole weekend until I got back. I think Monday it was starting to clear up. But yeah, it it kind of worried me. And that's when I think my ankle was starting to swell. Your ankle was swelling. Swelling. And then Saturday morning. But the ankle came down. Hold on. So that's other things to worry about. That was Friday night. Saturday morning, once again, no context, just a just a dramatic picture of your face again looking like it was covered in hives. And I'm panicking. And this time I was at a college reunion. Yes, with people I get together with every year. Again. Yep. I'm at an event. You go see them. Just Just a text, just enough to get me super worried and just put a little wet blanket on the fun I'm having. No context, no texts, no explanations, nothing. Just a picture of you looking like I don't even I can't I don't even know what you look like. That it was bad. You looked bad. I love you, but that was bad. And you knew it. That's why you sent it to me. So tell us about that. Yeah, I I think that was just because I did took a hot shower and hived out. I yeah, it got just got a little bit of a heat rash, but then it was fine. But did you tell me that? No. Because you were at your high school reunion. College. College reunion and I wanted you to worry about me. I'm glad you admit it. I'm glad that we can just say that. I'm being honest. Okay. So then anyhow, so I But that's when your legs started to Yeah, my legs b anytime when I drive a long distance, it does start, it swells up. It's been doing that for years and stuff. So I thought nothing of it, nothing of it, nothing of it. Okay. And then now I just want to say, and b before we get to the I mean, we've already talked about what it was, but I look back at that and I think how lucky we were that you didn't fly that trip, that that was a drive trip. Because flying with a blood clot can be can be fatal. Yes. Yes. And our One doctor said yes, she had a cousin that had a blood clot and flew and passed away. And I was like, ooh shit, I gotta take this seriously. So that was round this is round now. We're moving into round four. Mm-hmm. Round four. I was home. You came with me. We rang the bell and I said You were very cranky. I just want to go back to that. Why were you so cranky? I thought you would be really excited that it was your my gosh, don't do not crack your knuckles. Well I was I I was cranky because I knew it wasn't over. Everybody was like, you you you're done chemo, you're done chemo. No, you're not, because you has to you have to wait for it to pass through your body for those seven days afterwards. Ringing the bell is great. Okay, you're not gonna inject the chemicals in me. I still have to get the chemicals out of me. I still have them in me right now, and I'm trying to clear my system to get back to normal. My My stop pulling at it. I know, but my pores on my face aren't opening up properly. I don't have proper Your skin is having a bit of a tough time. But the more you touch it. My beard isn't gonna come back because it's looking. Don't touch it. Well, okay, fine. I have ordered you the cleanser and the lotion that will be the best for you, but don't mess with it. So the basically my ankle was sw swollen at The last chemo session because it was from the drive. It was still swelling and taking it down. You were making me wrap it. I see. I was concerned about this at this point. And I said you should tell somebody what's going on. Well, you were sitting there with the d them all too. You could have said his ankle's swelling. You didn't. Didn't care about me enough to say that. I feel like w did we say something at one point to somebody and you right away played it down like, it's just an old injury. I just get that from wrestling. Yeah, it's just a wrestling injury. I feel like that happened. Because I feel like we said something about your leg and your swelling. I don't know. I think we did, and you made it like it was nothing. Well, then because their job should have been saying no, we have to check it. At what point are we gonna learn that your job I know you have to be your best advocate. So I was okay, so when the shit came down was when I went for my blood test. nine days later. Nine days later, they take the blood, check your white blood cell, check your red blood cell, everything was perfect. Everything's perfect. How was that last round in terms of wait wait, you're skipping ahead? So you you went, you rang the bell, you weren't particularly happy, you came home. How were your your symptoms that week? I was exhausted. For the fourth time. Yeah. I was really exhausted. Yeah, okay, okay. Three days I slept just about 24 hours. Yes. So 72 hours just about sleeping the whole time. I don't know what that was all about, but it was crazy. Well, I have to say that it definitely gave me a lot of gratitude for the fact that you did not do the ramped up Red Devil version and and And anyone who has to do multiple, multiple rounds of chemo, just so much empathy and sympathy for more I mean, there's I extensive treatments. I'm bitching about it now. We're talking about it on the podcast to hopefully prepare people if they ever have to go through it or to help people with whatever they're dealing with. But yeah, I I mean I in in the grand scheme of things, I have gotten off relatively easy. The chemo was hard. I don't know what I'm gonna be getting into with the radiation, but that is gonna be coming. But going back to that last blood draw is when the shit hit the fan. Did you feel though when they pulled that needle out of your arm in your last treatment? Like did you feel that you had finished something, accomplished something? Was there a moment that you were like, Whew, I made it? Yeah, I was I I was glad that I wasn't gonna have to sit in that chair, have more chemicals put into my body, because that is definitely not fun. but it was doable, and I was doing it to make sure that if there's any residual cancer s in my body, getting rid of it so that I can be around for you and and be healthy and get on with my life. I just didn't know that this last round was kicking me out. Why do you say so I can be around for you instead of And be because I don't want to die? Well well, I don't wanna die. Okay. But it's just I like I've noticed that you always say that. Like I did the chemo for you. And I appreciate that you did the chemo for me. But it's sort of like you're talking around the issue. Well, I I mean, I I don't know. I I I like I say, didn't want to do the chemo in the first place. And then I'm sitting here in my head thinking, had I not done the chemo, I wouldn't have gone through all this bullshit and had a blood clot that could and you know No. So but I disagree. You would have had the blood clot because you would have been on the tamoxifen either way. And tamoxifen Is what caused the blood clot. Well, you don't know that. You're not a doctor. I'm not a doctor, but the doctor said the tamoxifen caused the blood clot. And I said could it have also been the the chemotherapy? And he said yes. He he went He said could be yes. Yeah. No. Our doctor didn't go, Yeah, he did. No, he did not. Yeah, he did. He said it could have been. So anyhow. Can I finish my story? Mm-hmm. Interrupting me again. All right. I told the the nurse, I said, Hey, I've got this ankle swelling. It's been swelling for a week and a half or so. it's an old injury, but we should probably check it out. Hand up, what now? What made you tell the nurse this day when your wife had been asking you to tell someone for a long time? Well, I went and had coffee with the girls next door and they're nurses. They're nurses and they know So you listen to not your wife. I'm glad you listened to somebody. Nadra checked my ankle and said, Ooh, it's pitting or whatever they whatever she used and said. She blood clot. She goes, That could be a blood clot. And I was like, What? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, I heard the words and then I talked to the lady. And said this could be the possibility. I thought I was gonna have only two doctors appointments that day. That was all done. She said, I'll talk to the doctor. Fine. Go, go, go. I ran away. I then then I sat in with the radiologist. Radio onc radiation oncologist. Yes, the radiation oncologist. And found out that I was gonna be doing chemo for twenty sessions for four four weeks, four that was before this. That we had done that up that appointment previously. This was the day that you went for them to Okay. There we go. Are you upset that I'm correcting you again? Yeah. Am I wrong? Yeah. Yeah. Am I wrong? For this storyline, fuck yes. You're so fucking wrong. Okay. What's what's your version of the story? Nothing. Go ahead. Carry on. You had an appointment with your radiation oncologist to do your dry run for radiation. Yes. Dry run for radiation. And I sat in there and they made a mold to my body. So every time I go sit in there, it's the same and they drew all over my chest. And I have to put markers on my chest for the next four or five weeks. Mm-hmm. And you were there for an hour, and by the time you got out, you had an appointment. yes. I had an another appointment, an emergency appointment with the ultrasound to check my ankle. And well, I thought it was my ankle, and it was my entire fucking leg from my nuts down to my ankle. They were checking me to make sure I didn't have a blood clot. And lo and behold, I had a nice blood clot. Mm-hmm. Forming from my ankle three quarters of the way up my calf, and then it was open for a little bit. And then there was another one from the top part of my calf to just about by my behind my knee. Mm-hmm. And your appointment was at four fifteen. So by the time this news came and you walked out and said, I have a blood clot, it was five o'clock. Yes. And I had to sit around and wait there. And she was calling the she called Dr. Feinstein's office. She called Dr. Feinstein and the radiologist and they were forming a plan and the Dr. Feinstein said get back to my office immediately. And they were closed, so we had to knock on a bunch of doors. Knock on a bunch of doors, got them to come out and they gave me the blood thinner. And That's where we are today. Well, and that's also when we were on the way over the No, I'm just adding On the way over there, that was when I said Yeah, when you said I'm not wrong, what did you say? I'm not wrong though. on the way over there, that's when I said, Well, remember, you have that blood clot thing. And you said, I have what? And I said, You have the thing that the they did your genetic testing. You're prone to blood clots. We had to call Shania, tell her not to be. And then we called Dr. Cox and said, Can you send over the information to see what it was? And we went in there and showed them and they're going, so now we have to change my whole plan. Yeah. Dr. Feinstein really changed when he heard you had the factor five Leiden mutation, because that means that we have to now change your entire medication. And that's a wrinkle. That's going to be a big wrinkle moving forward. Very big wrinkle. Because that's going to be Now I don't know what I'm n now I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know what the plan is. I just gotta get rid of this blood clot and figure out where the fuck we're moving from here. Yeah. Well I understand I understand why you get cranky at this point. I'm getting cranky because you've corrected me the whole goddamn podcast. What the fuck? You have a very bad memory. What did I forget this time? Well, nothing. You didn't forget anything in this part, but I what I'm saying is that This this is this is going to be a big fight. I think bigger than the fact that you didn't want to do chemotherapy. Now the doctors want to completely put you on a hormone, a complete hormone blocker. You were hoping to retain some of your testosterone and now they want to drop it down. Well, this is that we gotta we gotta figure this out because I'm not gonna drop it down. I I took the TRT to get back into health because my testosterone was so fucking low. And I was, you know, I was in the acceptable range, but I was at the very, very low end. And I was not happy. I was not productive. I was sluggish. And then once I started that, I actually started taking the TRT the month before I went to. Film Deadpool and Wolverine. Yes. And I was starting to feel better, feeling better, feeling better. And now this. And I was at the top of my game, feeling like I'm taking on the world, had this cancer cut out of me, and now they're saying you can't take the testosterone. But then I've also seen studies where they say that taking the testosterone helps you in some ways too. I cannot be so low in testosterone that I'm so sluggish. And I mean for the last since I've been cutting it down, would you not agree? I've been not myself. I am I have I have been very depressed. Very, very depressed. I'm I'm not I I'm not able to do my work. I'm not able to do I'm not able to think properly. I'm not able to function. You know, I keep saying that it's chemo brain, but it could be the the lack of testosterone, the huge shift well I think just happened in my brain. Well I think it's an and I think it's all of the things. I think it's dealing I mean this year's been crazy. You're dealing with loss you have this diagnosis has come down which has shaken you to your core. You have four rounds of chemo drugs cumulatively in your body You have lowered your amount of testosterone in your body and now you're moving into radiation. I think all of the the lack of certainty about anything and trying to wrap your brain around what this means for your health, what this means for your life, what this means like what your choices are. My point was you have definitely been in a in a rough place. I've been in a funk. I've been in a really bad funk. And and with the with with doing the chemo, with doing, you know, dropping my testosterone levels, and I'm not making testosterone on my own. And all of that is just putting me in a pretty big funk. And I'm supposed to be done with the chemo right now. Well, and then and then let's go back and talk about our first visit with the radiation oncologist, because this is now you rang the bell. What was it? Like the next day we ended up going to see the radiation on the very next day we went to the radiation oncologist and I was thinking maybe one or two sessions to just nuke this shit out, Chernobyl it out of me. But now it's twenty, twenty times four weeks, four or five weeks possibly. Every day for And it's your whole chest all the way from your collarbone to the bottom of your rib cage. Yep. So That's a new thing. Yeah. So that's what I'm dealing with now. What's your next question? Well, I'm curious because you had a real dive at some point in them like recently in these last questions. What's going on? Was I wrong? No, but you I y okay, you were right again. It's all you. Well, I'm just trying to keep I'm trying to have all the information. And so I wanna I just wanna keep it Yeah, it's fine. It's all good. You you laid it all out the way you wanted to lay it out. What is your next question? I don't know. I'm going to think about that. Come on, Barbara Walters You've thrown me. You've thrown me with your cranky mood. Or maybe it's you. it's definitely me. It's definitely me. What scares you more, the cancer coming back or the fact that you have a blood clot in you? Both. I I don't know. I mean like the blood clot we're taking care of, hopefully it'll be fine. Cancer coming back could come back anywhere in my body. Don't know until it's all over the place. It's a it's a fucking scary thing. Yeah, it is. It's and every time I look in the mirror, I feel like a cancer victim. I feel like it's taking me down. I don't look or feel the way I was. I don't know whether that's because of the testosterone changing, but all all the chemicals and everything. I haven't dropped a lot of weight. I don't know. It's psychologically fucking with me now. Hard. Hard. Yeah, this week's actually it feels like this week has been worse. Yeah, it feels like this week has been worse. Do you think it's worse now because it was supposed to be over? And this just feels like another blind side. Probably. And and I was supposed to go to another event this weekend, another convention. You cancel it. I had to cancel it because I'm not gonna go fly and die for it. And the week before you canceled because that last round really took you down. Yeah. So I mean I I I don't like canceling. It's the first time in all these years that I've done conventions that I've had to cancel conventions. So yeah, it's it's weighing on me pretty heavy. It weighs on me heavy too. I know it does. I I I know. I know it does. I I do. And I'm glad it's not you having to have the chemicals in you and deal with all of that. I am so, so glad. I I've got to get myself into a better mood, better place, even a better mood before this podcast is over. And I'm gonna show people how it's just like water on a duck's back and just champion on. And that's what I have to do. Do you know what occurs to me a lot though? It would be so much better if it was me. No. Yeah. It actually would because it wouldn't. No, it would because I am not the main moneymaker in this family. What you are the one who's that's running. Well, you're the one who's running all the all the big projects. Like it's your name. It's you like it would be so much better if it was me. I would never wish this on you or anyone. I know that you wouldn't. Or anyone. But I wish it on me. No. In like I wish it was me instead of you. Well, I hope you never get cancer in your lifetime. Well, I do too. Because it sucks. Just the whole mind game that you have to try to stay positive through. And I'm trying to put up a good front and stay positive, but it does weigh on you, especially at my age. I think now I have this. Is it gonna come back? Could it come back? How long do I have? There's a lot of shit that goes through your mind that you have to. Clear out of your brain and frankly I don't think you have would have the ability to do that. You're a strong, strong woman, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone for the worst. And and once you once I get through this, look, after we get this all out of me and get the ke get the I mean get the blood clot gone and figure out what we're gonna be doing. It'll all be fine. I just hope I'm not on another pill for the rest of my fucking life. I've got a stack of them now piling up, and it's not fun. It's just not fun. From a guy going from not taking a pill, I wouldn't even take an aspirin or a ibuprofen if I felt had pain. I would suck it up. Now I've got a basket full of pills, and that's the one thing that my nephew said, Yeah. He said about my brother, Dad's got a basket full of pills, and I'm like, fuck. Then next time I see him he's in a on his deathbed. I appreciate science and it it's great, but I'm trying to figure out where I need to be with this so that I can pull back and and try to figure it out without taking pills twenty four seven. 'Cause you gotta take a pill in the morning when you first wake up. Then you can't have anything to eat for thirty minutes 'cause that's the thyroid pill. Then you gotta wait and then you gotta take the pills for your fucking blood clot. And then you gotta wait and take another pill. It it's Sorry. Anyhow, my rant's over. What do you got? Well, I'm I'm sorry that it's I mean, like I wish I could help you, but at some point I feel like you're fighting the the current, you know? I know. I'm I'm fighting the demons inside me. I mean, let's face it. I we all have demons. Well, I'm gonna talk we'll talk about them in later podcasts, but for this one, we've talked about the chemotherapy where I'm at. We'll get deeper into the demons in a later podcast. How are you feeling about moving into radiation at this point? Not good. Why? Well, I I don't know. I gotta I've got a couple weeks before I have to go into radiation. I've got to get my mindset for that. You know, I I mean it it just from what some people have said, it may it it's got me thinking. So I'm what does it have you thinking? Well the one guy said, yeah, his mother made it through chemo, and then as soon as she started radiation, she passed away. So I'm like, I don't know. Fuck, I don't know. I'm trying to figure this all out. Trying to figure it out. I'm gonna be fine because I'm probably a lot stronger and healthier than she was, but you never know. You never know. Does this blood clot has it changed how you feel about things happening? Like that you feel like something's gonna always come and blindside you, or who knows what's around the corner. Yeah. I mean, and I'm glad that I dealt with this blood clot. If I would have left this blood clot, another Week, two weeks, month, I don't know how long blood clots take to kill you, but I could have been dead in another week or so if I'd left it. That weighs on my mind too. And then that's also dealing with answering your wake-up calls because I had this swollen ankle. I probably should have said something earlier. I I'm glad I said it when I said it. Because when it is something serious like this, it makes you go, holy shit, this Could have potentially been a very serious could have been a game and game ender. Yeah. Is there any point where you can foresee feeling safe or like I'm actually done with this at this point? I don't know. Anybody that I've talked to before, you know, they go, I'm five years cancer free. That means it's weighing on their mind, isn't it? You know, I'm ten years cancer free. That's great. But you're still I don't I that's the thing. I don't know. I've got to get through these last few days of getting this out of my system, get the four weeks of radiation, and then see where I sit from there. Hopefully I can bounce back, get in the gym. start feeling better about myself and move on with life. I don't know. I don't know what's around the corner. I've gotta keep going as if everything's okay and we'll be fine. If you could go back to the two people sitting in that doctor's office at the beginning and you could tell them something. Anything, what would you say? Who the two people am I mean you and me? Mm-hmm. I would Probably say get ready for a fucking roller coaster ride like you've never had in your life before. I've had ups and downs in my career, highs, lows, and ups and downs in life, but nothing. Nothing. The th the thought that Just the whole thought process is not not fun to go through. And you gotta stay positive. You gotta fucking stay positive or you're not gonna make it. Soon as you do the downhill spiral. What are you grateful for today that you might not have noticed a year ago? I'm just trying to be grateful for every day. I'm trying to take every day and enjoy it. Because when that sun sets at night, that day is gone and you can never get it back. And I'm I'm trying to figure out how you and I can enjoy our lives together more because who knows, you know, I'm I'll probably I'm probably gonna be around for another 20 years bugging your ass and getting told what the hell I gotta do and corrected all the time. But when you're going through this, you don't know. You don't take anything for granted anymore and and Like I say, seeing my brother laying there going through this, I've had a lot of shit weighing on my mind. You know, and then the way you lost your father in a car accident like that, it makes you realize anything, anything could happen in life. Enjoy the time you have and make the very best of it, because you don't know how much time. Yeah. Well, we'll come back in part three of this and talk about radiation. great. Talk about I can wait for you to correct me some more. Babe, when you signed on to do a podcast, that's what you signed on for. I guess I did. Son of a bitch. Crap. Boy, that was a fun episode. Yeah, you got super cranky. I think when this started, we believed that somebody would at some point have a very clear moment where they would say, Okay, you're done. And I'm starting to realize that that's not how this is gonna work. Maybe there's not just one finish line. Maybe you just keep getting to the next one. Surgery, chemo, blood clot, radiation, and whatever comes after that. And somewhere in between all that, all those appointments and test results and things we're afraid of. We still have to live And that's the part I don't want to miss. Neither do I. So we're gonna keep talking about it. The scary parts. The shitty parts. The ridiculous parts. And the parts we're incredibly grateful for. Because apparently, this is Midlife Marriage. Mayhem. And this is Mane A F.