Latest / The Scorpion by Anna Elisabet Weirauch. / 09 - The Scorpion.

Transcript

09 - The Scorpion. · The Scorpion by Anna Elisabet Weirauch.

0:00
Speaker 1: In her sleep Myra heard a violent ringing. Then she
0:03
Speaker 1: woke up. Doors were slamming, steps approaching. There were many
0:07
Speaker 1: excited voices. She opened her eyes and saw Olga standing
0:11
Speaker 1: beside the bed, already fully dressed. She was very pale,
0:16
Speaker 1: her eyes dark and blazing. Get up, Myra, she commanded
0:20
Speaker 1: in a voice that was breathless with excitement. Get up
0:23
Speaker 1: for God's sake and dress. Myra threw on her things
0:27
Speaker 1: in mad haste. Meanwhile they were pounding on the door.
0:31
Speaker 1: Olga immediately went over to it, unbolted and opened it
0:34
Speaker 1: a crack. Who is there? Loud excited voices in the hall.
0:40
Speaker 1: Excited faces trying to force themselves through the crack. I'm sorry,
0:44
Speaker 1: I can't permit you in my room at this moment,
0:47
Speaker 1: Olga said with icy courtesy. Some voices began to shout
0:51
Speaker 1: louder than the others, Aunt Emily and Uncle George, also
0:55
Speaker 1: the girl who had admitted Myra that night. Myra's hands
0:59
Speaker 1: were trembling as in a nightmare. She could not button
1:02
Speaker 1: her dress. She was aware only of a dreadful desire
1:06
Speaker 1: to be invisible, or to jump out of the window
1:09
Speaker 1: or to sink into some vast unconsciousness. Olga's voice rose
1:13
Speaker 1: above the clamor, deep and calm, but as cold and
1:16
Speaker 1: sharp as polished steel. Does this conversation have to take
1:20
Speaker 1: place in the hall? Then suddenly, a soft, gentle voice.
1:25
Speaker 1: May I offer the use of my room? I'll be
1:27
Speaker 1: glad to step out. The voices withdrew next door and
1:31
Speaker 1: a few moments later, Myra had thrown on her dress.
1:35
Speaker 1: Peterkin stole into the room. Can I help you, Myra?
1:39
Speaker 1: He whispered. His eyes were troubled. At the same moment,
1:43
Speaker 1: there came a sound from next door as if a
1:45
Speaker 1: stick had been smashed across a table. I'll have you
1:49
Speaker 1: thrown into jail, thundered Uncle George. Myra wanted to rush in,
1:54
Speaker 1: but Peterkin restrained her. imploring her not to go. Don't, don't,
1:59
Speaker 1: he begged. Fix your hair quickly. Put on your shoes.
2:03
Speaker 1: While she smoothed her hair, he knelt before her and
2:06
Speaker 1: buttoned her shoes. She let him. She could not dash
2:10
Speaker 1: next door in her stocking feet, with her hair unkempt,
2:14
Speaker 1: to the immense pleasure of all the people peeping through
2:17
Speaker 1: the cracks in their doors. When Myra did go down
2:20
Speaker 1: the hall to the next room, she was quite calm,
2:23
Speaker 1: quite erect, and sustained by a strong, brave, hot and
2:26
Speaker 1: almost joyous determination. At the bottom of the hall stood
2:30
Speaker 1: a strange man with his hat and overcoat on. He
2:34
Speaker 1: looked her over with a piercing glance. Straight from her
2:38
Speaker 1: father's dead body, whimpered Aunt Emily with high pathos. The
2:42
Speaker 1: criminal police in a decent house, screamed Frau Flesch. Never
2:47
Speaker 1: in all my life have I had anything to do
2:49
Speaker 1: with the police. Myra pressed down hard on the latch.
2:53
Speaker 1: Her pulse was throbbing in her neck. For an instant
2:57
Speaker 1: the thought flashed through her mind. Perhaps it was best
3:00
Speaker 1: that this happened. Perhaps it was a good thing that
3:03
Speaker 1: she must now have the courage to take her place
3:05
Speaker 1: beside Olga and say, I belong to her and will
3:08
Speaker 1: never leave her, even if you tear her and me
3:11
Speaker 1: into little pieces. If you have the courage and the right,
3:14
Speaker 1: use force on me, for I'll never go one step
3:17
Speaker 1: with you of my own free will. Olga was standing,
3:20
Speaker 1: leaning against the table, her arms crossed on her breast,
3:24
Speaker 1: the fingers clasping her elbows. As Myra opened the door,
3:29
Speaker 1: Aunt Emily rushed to her with a choking cry. Here
3:32
Speaker 1: is the unfortunate child. Myra stood for an instant as
3:36
Speaker 1: though numbed. For a moment she felt as if she
3:39
Speaker 1: were among lunatics or had gone mad herself. With a
3:42
Speaker 1: hasty glance, she thought how very becoming to Uncle George
3:45
Speaker 1: were his stern manner. his steel blue eyes and his
3:49
Speaker 1: iron gray mustache against a face crimson with rage. He
3:53
Speaker 1: came up to her and said in a deep, rough
3:55
Speaker 1: voice that trembled with something like emotion, Myra, my child,
3:59
Speaker 1: what are you doing here? We're burying your poor father
4:02
Speaker 1: tomorrow and you're here. He laid his heavy hand on
4:06
Speaker 1: her shoulder. Myra did not look at him. She was
4:10
Speaker 1: looking at Olga. This is my home, she said. She
4:14
Speaker 1: meant her voice to sound vibrant and firm. but she
4:17
Speaker 1: could not manage it, and it sounded soft and tremulous.
4:21
Speaker 1: If you think you have the right, go ahead and
4:23
Speaker 1: use force on me, for I'll never go one step
4:26
Speaker 1: with you of my own free will. It was hard,
4:29
Speaker 1: very hard to say that. Very hard to say it
4:32
Speaker 1: under Uncle George's honest gaze while his face was distorted
4:35
Speaker 1: with rage and sorrow, under Aunt Emily's little blinking bird eyes,
4:40
Speaker 1: or Frau Flesch's spongy face that seemed fixed in a
4:43
Speaker 1: repulsively avid grin. hard to say it in front of
4:46
Speaker 1: the strange man and the maid, who were listening in
4:49
Speaker 1: the hall. But now it was said, and now everything
4:53
Speaker 1: would be all right. Now Olga would come and take
4:55
Speaker 1: her in her arms, would press Myra's head against her
4:58
Speaker 1: breast so that she need not hear or see anything more, would,
5:02
Speaker 1: with one of her haughty and imperious gestures, show all
5:05
Speaker 1: these strange and horrible faces the door, would point her
5:08
Speaker 1: revolver at these intruders and drive them out with a
5:11
Speaker 1: single word. Olga turned her head without changing her position
5:15
Speaker 1: and looked at Myra. Everybody thought she was looking at
5:18
Speaker 1: Myra and gave an involuntary start. But actually her eyes
5:23
Speaker 1: were merely resting on Myra's forehead, eyebrows and hair. Myra
5:27
Speaker 1: strove to intercept her gaze but could not. It was
5:31
Speaker 1: fixed on her forehead, her eyebrows, her hair, on a
5:35
Speaker 1: line above her eyes. My dear child, said Olga with
5:39
Speaker 1: a gentleness that was icy cold. Your sense of dependence
5:42
Speaker 1: on me is touching, but I have done nothing to
5:45
Speaker 1: merit it. If you feel about me as you say,
5:48
Speaker 1: you ought to go with your relatives, behave like a
5:51
Speaker 1: rational creature and spare me your visits in the future.
5:55
Speaker 1: You must see that they occasion me nothing but unpleasantness.
5:58
Speaker 1: Myra hesitated for a moment. Something must happen, she thought.
6:03
Speaker 1: She must look at me, she must give me some sign,
6:06
Speaker 1: a glance, a gesture. that this is all comedy, that
6:09
Speaker 1: I must trust her, believe in her, wait for an explanation.
6:13
Speaker 1: But nothing did happen. Myra racked her brain for something
6:17
Speaker 1: terrible with which to shatter that stony mask. Could she
6:20
Speaker 1: not say, You made me come, lured me, forced me
6:24
Speaker 1: and now you deny me? No, she had no right
6:26
Speaker 1: to do that. But could she not think of some
6:29
Speaker 1: abusive word, something that would pierce, would wound, something cruel?
6:33
Speaker 1: She turned over various silly childish epithets in her mind.
6:37
Speaker 1: They were as heavy as blocks of stone. Canal, she thought. Harlot.
6:43
Speaker 1: That was not what she was seeking. It seemed to
6:46
Speaker 1: her as if she must shove the blocks of stone
6:48
Speaker 1: this way, and that in feverish search for the one
6:51
Speaker 1: sharp word she must fling. Suddenly, she felt as if
6:54
Speaker 1: she had stood there an endless time, with arms hanging,
6:58
Speaker 1: and vacant eyes and open mouth. She drew herself up
7:02
Speaker 1: and attempted a smile that would be at once proud
7:04
Speaker 1: and affable. but she felt as she was doing it,
7:08
Speaker 1: as if madness were twitching the distorted muscles of her face.
7:12
Speaker 1: Will you telephone for a taxi, Uncle George? She said.
7:15
Speaker 1: I am too tired to walk. She went to the door.
7:19
Speaker 1: I just want to gather up my things. I won't
7:23
Speaker 1: be a moment. She went into the next room, put
7:26
Speaker 1: on her hat before the mirror very carefully, threw on
7:29
Speaker 1: her coat and looked for her bag. She did not
7:32
Speaker 1: hurry at all. She still had some mad feeling that
7:35
Speaker 1: Olga must steal in and whisper something to her. Where
7:38
Speaker 1: they could meet, where she should write, when she could
7:40
Speaker 1: explain it all to her. But no Olga came. As
7:44
Speaker 1: Myra opened her bag, she noticed a little wad of
7:47
Speaker 1: tightly pressed bills. What was left from their trip? She
7:51
Speaker 1: took them out, laughing bitterly. Probably she would no longer
7:55
Speaker 1: be in any way tempted to steal. Probably she would
7:58
Speaker 1: never again need money as long as she lived. She
8:01
Speaker 1: raised her hand and opened it. letting the bills flutter
8:05
Speaker 1: down on the disordered bed. Then she went out, past
8:08
Speaker 1: the strange man, past the maid, downstairs and out of
8:11
Speaker 1: the house without once looking back. In the street she
8:15
Speaker 1: got into the taxi with her relatives. Uncle George remained
8:19
Speaker 1: for a while in the city. His behavior was really curious.
8:24
Speaker 1: He was quiet and kind, and always fixed upon Myra
8:27
Speaker 1: a pair of honest, anxious blue eyes, and always spoke
8:30
Speaker 1: to her in a slightly emotional tone. but there was
8:33
Speaker 1: never a word about the money or her flight. When
8:36
Speaker 1: Myra pondered this behavior, she did not do so very often.
8:40
Speaker 1: She found only one explanation for it. She did not
8:44
Speaker 1: think it might be remorse because his vehement letter had
8:47
Speaker 1: occasioned her unhappy father's death. Nor did it ever occur
8:51
Speaker 1: to her that he was striving to win her affection
8:53
Speaker 1: through love and kindness. No, probably she was a source
8:57
Speaker 1: of irritation to him. But he had seen Olga Rado.
9:01
Speaker 1: Had heard her voice. had experienced something of her power.
9:05
Speaker 1: When Myra thought of that she almost loved him. He
9:09
Speaker 1: had heard how Olga denied, betrayed and humiliated her. And
9:13
Speaker 1: he sympathized with her. When Myra thought of that she
9:16
Speaker 1: hated him. Even Aunt Emily was singularly gentle. Myra thought
9:21
Speaker 1: later that it would have been better if they had
9:23
Speaker 1: tormented and wounded her at that time and thereby made
9:27
Speaker 1: her strong through steely hate. Aunt Emily and the entire
9:30
Speaker 1: family were all for expressing the depth of one's grief
9:33
Speaker 1: by the length of one's veil. Nobody was going to
9:37
Speaker 1: say that Myra, the depraved daughter, the unruly offspring, did
9:41
Speaker 1: not mourn her father's death. The first time Myra saw
9:45
Speaker 1: herself in a mirror, black crepe from head to toe,
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Speaker 1: slender and pale, with lifeless eyes and a mouth distorted
9:51
Speaker 1: with grief, she thought, like a widow. Her heart contracted painfully.
9:56
Speaker 1: When they drove to the interment they sat side by side.
10:00
Speaker 1: Aunt Emily's black-gloved right hand held a white handkerchief to
10:03
Speaker 1: her quivering lips. Her left held Myra's hand. And Uncle
10:08
Speaker 1: George stared out the window while from time to time
10:10
Speaker 1: a tear rolled from his blue eye and into his mustache.
10:14
Speaker 1: Myra felt as if she had been a mountain. Her
10:17
Speaker 1: stony invulnerability had turned aside every shot, but now an
10:21
Speaker 1: explosion had torn a crater in her. She was hollow inside,
10:25
Speaker 1: a deep, dark, precipitous chasm. The savage wound lay exposed
10:30
Speaker 1: to view, and everything fell into it without let or hindrance,
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Speaker 1: lay in her like heavy stones tortured her. Everything glances, words, tears, gestures.
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Speaker 1: Woe to those who have torn me asunder, she thought bitterly.
10:44
Speaker 1: Then her fingers clasped Aunt Emily's a little tighter for
10:47
Speaker 1: a moment. We belong together, she thought. Forsaken, loveless, unhappy
10:53
Speaker 1: people who have grown hard and bitter. We belong together.
10:57
Speaker 1: There are two great families in this world. The rich
11:00
Speaker 1: and the poor, the sound and the sick, the laughers
11:02
Speaker 1: and the weepers. Olga Rado belongs among the happy. She
11:07
Speaker 1: has triumphed, she has justified herself, she has rid herself
11:10
Speaker 1: of me. Now she can go laughing to the next adventure.
11:15
Speaker 1: Myra did not always think such thoughts. She was a
11:18
Speaker 1: prey to the most conflicting feelings. There were sleepless nights
11:22
Speaker 1: when she thought that everything would be all right if
11:24
Speaker 1: only she could hold Olga's hand and ask, How did
11:27
Speaker 1: you come to do it, child? How could such a
11:30
Speaker 1: thing happen? What were you thinking of at the time?
11:33
Speaker 1: The next day she would pace up and down Mott
11:36
Speaker 1: Street and stare at the house across the way, but
11:39
Speaker 1: always in vain. Then there were days when Aunt Emily
11:42
Speaker 1: displayed a loathsomely friendly sympathy and let fall insinuations concerning
11:47
Speaker 1: the ingratitude of the world in general and in particular,
11:50
Speaker 1: and how lonely Myra now was because she had given
11:53
Speaker 1: all her affection to such a person. Then Myra hated
11:56
Speaker 1: them both, Aunt Emily and Olga, with a terrible hatred.
12:01
Speaker 1: But she hated Olga the more. Olga who had thrown
12:04
Speaker 1: her down where Aunt Emily could trample her. Olga who
12:07
Speaker 1: had torn that wound which Aunt Emily's foul fingers could probe.
12:11
Speaker 1: Sometimes she resolved to die, but more often to flee,
12:15
Speaker 1: to pack up a bundle and run down the high road,
12:17
Speaker 1: to pass the night in meadows and hollows with nothing
12:20
Speaker 1: over her but the eternal starry skies. At other times
12:24
Speaker 1: it seemed to her as if that sort of life,
12:26
Speaker 1: particularly that sort of life, would be merely a constant
12:30
Speaker 1: torment without Olga, but a treasure without end, an inconceivable
12:34
Speaker 1: happiness if only Olga were there. She strove to reconcile
12:38
Speaker 1: herself to the thought that Olga no longer loved her.
12:41
Speaker 1: But it was impossible that she actually hated her. She
12:45
Speaker 1: had simply sacrificed her, surrendered her without second thought in
12:49
Speaker 1: order to shield her reputation, in order to protect herself
12:53
Speaker 1: from unpleasantnesses. It is true she did not love her.
12:56
Speaker 1: That was why her words had been lies. She had
13:00
Speaker 1: simply been glad when Myra came. Always. And she would
13:04
Speaker 1: be glad again if she returned. It was becoming clearer
13:08
Speaker 1: and clearer to Myra every day how rich she was.
13:11
Speaker 1: Franz Rudloff had been no miser, but there was nothing
13:14
Speaker 1: for which he really cared to spend money, and Aunt
13:18
Speaker 1: Emily was much too much of a model not to economize,
13:21
Speaker 1: even in the pettiest ways. Myra had no very clear
13:25
Speaker 1: understanding of money or the value of money, but she
13:28
Speaker 1: knew that the sums mentioned to her, guaranteed her freedom,
13:32
Speaker 1: promised her that in a few months she could live
13:34
Speaker 1: her life where she wished and as she wished. A
13:37
Speaker 1: life without Olga? Myra finally resolved to write to Olga.
13:42
Speaker 1: Not how she felt, nothing about her longing, her love,
13:45
Speaker 1: God forbid. But a line or two, quite businesslike, if
13:49
Speaker 1: one might use the expression, lines whose purpose would simply
13:52
Speaker 1: be to bring about an explanation. With much effort she
13:56
Speaker 1: composed a letter which she amended and improved and copied.
13:59
Speaker 1: She felt quite satisfied with her handiwork. No one could
14:03
Speaker 1: find in it a trace of affection or humility of
14:06
Speaker 1: any kind. Rather it was sharp, ironic and somewhat challenging
14:10
Speaker 1: in tone. She mailed the letter and awaited the answer.
14:14
Speaker 1: None came. Meanwhile Aunt Emily decided to inform Myra of
14:18
Speaker 1: the facts of life. To be sure, she chose a
14:21
Speaker 1: rather remarkable method. Aunt Emily was too much of a
14:25
Speaker 1: model to discuss morally offensive matters with a young girl. Besides,
14:30
Speaker 1: she was probably afraid of Myra's outbursts of temper, though
14:34
Speaker 1: otherwise she was not cowardly. Myra had fallen into the
14:37
Speaker 1: habit of sitting in her father's study. She would sit
14:41
Speaker 1: and read the whole day through the most difficult and
14:43
Speaker 1: abstruse things, simply in order not to think. Here she
14:47
Speaker 1: had all the books within reach. It was more convenient
14:51
Speaker 1: to sit down at the writing table with them than
14:53
Speaker 1: to lug the sometimes heavy folios into another room. On
14:57
Speaker 1: his desk she now found from time to time pamphlets, brochures,
15:01
Speaker 1: apparently of a quite varied character, novels, medical works, daily
15:06
Speaker 1: papers with passages underlined, but all treating of one theme.
15:10
Speaker 1: There were strange and weird stories of countesses who dressed
15:13
Speaker 1: in men's attire and frequented various dives, until they were
15:17
Speaker 1: lured into a trap and brutally murdered. Or accounts of
15:20
Speaker 1: sickening orgies in well-known clubs where hundreds of women dressed
15:24
Speaker 1: and disported themselves like men, and men were dolled up
15:27
Speaker 1: with false curls with open-work silk stockings, and with their
15:31
Speaker 1: bare arms and shoulders powdered. There were statistics showing all
15:35
Speaker 1: the unfortunates who fell victim to softening of the brain, lunacy,
15:39
Speaker 1: tuberculosis of the spine and other diseases as a result
15:43
Speaker 1: of unnatural practices, or descriptions of the soul life of
15:46
Speaker 1: sexual inverts which led one to suppose that these thousands
15:50
Speaker 1: of human beings constituted a vast community, a community bound
15:54
Speaker 1: together by no ties of common interest, no similarity of education, origin,
15:59
Speaker 1: taste or attitude toward life, and never by love, but
16:03
Speaker 1: by a common lust for a common form of excess.
16:06
Speaker 1: There was the biography of a famous man who was
16:09
Speaker 1: miserably murdered by a blackmailing waiter, with whom he had
16:12
Speaker 1: had intimate relations, whom he had loved. Myra shuddered when
16:16
Speaker 1: she thought of the word love in this connection. Sometimes
16:20
Speaker 1: it seemed to her as if she would be stifled
16:22
Speaker 1: by so much filth. She became physically ill simply from
16:26
Speaker 1: touching the books. Then she would not read them for
16:29
Speaker 1: quite a while. She would read historical, philosophic and scientific works.
16:35
Speaker 1: but there were long periods when she was not conscious
16:37
Speaker 1: what she was reading. Her eyes ran along the lines
16:41
Speaker 1: and reflected the words. But her thoughts struggled with the
16:44
Speaker 1: dreadful things that had been flung at her, like blocks
16:47
Speaker 1: of stone, to kill her. Then she would pick up
16:50
Speaker 1: the other books again, the bad ones, and look for
16:53
Speaker 1: enlightenment and draw conclusions and make comparisons. Whenever masculine women
16:57
Speaker 1: were discussed, mention was made of their superior intelligence, their
17:02
Speaker 1: thirst for knowledge and their desire for culture, coupled with
17:05
Speaker 1: an abnormal tendency to spendthriftness, a passionate desire for luxury,
17:10
Speaker 1: and an unnatural predilection for beautiful foot gear. Mention was made, too,
17:15
Speaker 1: of weird Don Juan natures who passed with insatiable lust
17:19
Speaker 1: from one adventure to another. As a result of such readings,
17:23
Speaker 1: Myra was left in the most dreadful bewilderment. These books
17:27
Speaker 1: should have taught her to understand the person who, of
17:30
Speaker 1: all others, had been closest to her. She had said
17:33
Speaker 1: to herself a hundred times in the past months. This
17:36
Speaker 1: woman is a riddle that cannot be guessed, a mystery
17:39
Speaker 1: that cannot be solved, forever strange and remote, not to
17:43
Speaker 1: be grasped or comprehended. And each time she had felt
17:47
Speaker 1: with every fiber of her being. Such and such is
17:50
Speaker 1: the solution. Now everything is clear, everything is all right.
17:54
Speaker 1: Nothing can ever arise to divide us again. But now, now?
17:59
Speaker 1: Now Myra felt an anguished need to pack up these
18:02
Speaker 1: books and take them to Olga Rado. Tell me, are
18:05
Speaker 1: there such people? Are you one of them? Am I?
18:08
Speaker 1: What do you know about it? Olga had had to
18:11
Speaker 1: express an opinion about everything that Myra had heard or
18:14
Speaker 1: read in the last year. And Olga's opinion had nearly
18:18
Speaker 1: always been Myra's, or had aroused, strengthened, clarified another opinion
18:23
Speaker 1: in her. Now, for the first time, She had to
18:26
Speaker 1: settle such monstrous matters single-handed, and she groped about blindly
18:30
Speaker 1: in the dark. Where she thought to find a light,
18:33
Speaker 1: a way out, she merely strayed deeper into the maze.
18:37
Speaker 1: She could neither make headway nor go back. So Myra
18:40
Speaker 1: wrote a second letter. This time, too, there was not
18:44
Speaker 1: a word about love or longing, simply an urgent appeal
18:47
Speaker 1: for help, a good deal of complaining about what was
18:50
Speaker 1: happening inside her and a certain reproachfulness. You have brought
18:53
Speaker 1: me so far, you must take my hand and lead
18:56
Speaker 1: me out of this swamp. No answer came. Spring came, however. Warm,
19:02
Speaker 1: caressing winds came, and broad flashing rays of sunlight and
19:05
Speaker 1: a veil of buds shrouding every branch, and snow bells
19:09
Speaker 1: and crocuses, forcing their way with difficulty through dark purple,
19:13
Speaker 1: rotting leaves. Myra could not bear the heavy, soft air.
19:17
Speaker 1: She could not sleep and suffered from headaches day and night.
19:21
Speaker 1: Reading no longer sufficed to distract her mind. She sat
19:25
Speaker 1: bowed over her books and stared out the window. The
19:28
Speaker 1: same page would lie in front of her for hours
19:30
Speaker 1: without her ever turning it. She began to read novels.
19:35
Speaker 1: She could not forget she was reading them as easily
19:37
Speaker 1: as she could dry scientific works because they stirred her
19:40
Speaker 1: imagination and evoked certain pictures. But those pictures were a
19:44
Speaker 1: torture to her. There were always people in love with
19:47
Speaker 1: one another. They struggled with one another. discovered one another,
19:52
Speaker 1: came together or parted, destroyed one another, died or abandoned
19:56
Speaker 1: one another. It hurt her to read of love. She
20:00
Speaker 1: read of riches, of luxury, of automobiles dashing along highways,
20:04
Speaker 1: of white hotels beside blue waters, of balls and banquets
20:08
Speaker 1: and yachts and journeys by sledge. Then she would begin
20:11
Speaker 1: to calculate her fortune and think, Olga Rado could have
20:14
Speaker 1: led just such a life if she had remained with me.
20:17
Speaker 1: The cherries blossomed. Olga Rado was no doubt going by
20:21
Speaker 1: steamer with some lovely woman, over the blue waters of
20:25
Speaker 1: the Havel. And all about her was a world of
20:27
Speaker 1: beauty and sunshine and light. Myra was seized with a
20:31
Speaker 1: mad desire to be where Olga was, to lead Olga's life.
20:35
Speaker 1: Pride dropped away from her like a burned rag. She
20:38
Speaker 1: stood naked to herself and cried out with the pain.
20:41
Speaker 1: She wrote her third letter to Olga Rado. She wrote
20:45
Speaker 1: that she could no longer live and breathe without her.
20:48
Speaker 1: That she wanted nothing from her, not love or affection
20:51
Speaker 1: or friendship. That she wanted nothing but to serve her
20:54
Speaker 1: with all her strength. And in payment she would let
20:57
Speaker 1: herself be beaten and kicked. That she would feel no jealousy,
21:01
Speaker 1: no craving, no lust of possession. that she would serve anyone,
21:05
Speaker 1: man or woman, whom Olga loved, and that she would
21:08
Speaker 1: chain and immure her love so deep within her that never, never,
21:12
Speaker 1: never would anyone suspect its existence, not even Olga. Again
21:16
Speaker 1: she waited for an answer. Again none came. Suddenly it
21:20
Speaker 1: occurred to her that Olga might not have received her letters,
21:24
Speaker 1: certainly had not received them. She went to Mott Street
21:27
Speaker 1: and every step made her feel as if she were
21:29
Speaker 1: walking on red-hot coals. The same maid answered her ring
21:33
Speaker 1: who had admitted her that night. Myra could not bring
21:36
Speaker 1: herself to utter Olga's name. So she asked for Peterkin.
21:40
Speaker 1: He had moved, address unknown. She lived through ten more
21:44
Speaker 1: days of torture. Then she went again. A new maid
21:48
Speaker 1: opened the door. I'm in luck, thought Myra and she
21:51
Speaker 1: was dizzied for a moment as the idea flashed through
21:54
Speaker 1: her mind that the next instant she might be standing
21:57
Speaker 1: face to face with Olga in her room. What might
21:59
Speaker 1: happen afterwards was of no moment. Miss Rado had moved.
22:04
Speaker 1: Address unknown. Myra went to the Bureau of Registry. She
22:08
Speaker 1: filled out the prescribed blank and gave it to the
22:11
Speaker 1: gray-haired official while her heart throbbed wildly. The friendly old
22:15
Speaker 1: gentleman Rose went searching, returned and asked if the lady
22:19
Speaker 1: lived in her own house. No. Unfortunately, they did not
22:23
Speaker 1: register people who lived in lodging houses. Then Myra made
22:27
Speaker 1: her last and most difficult attempt. She went to the Mobiuses.
22:31
Speaker 1: The girls grinned in her face, impudently, when she asked
22:35
Speaker 1: about Olga Rado. No, they didn't know anything about her. Naturally,
22:40
Speaker 1: she had not put in her appearance here again, and
22:43
Speaker 1: father would probably have very politely given her the air
22:46
Speaker 1: if she had. But they would be delighted to find
22:49
Speaker 1: things out. Ablaze with curiosity and pruriency, they began to
22:54
Speaker 1: ply her with questions, whether it was true that... Myra
22:58
Speaker 1: blushed and pale, turned hot and cold. She might have
23:01
Speaker 1: murdered one of them if she had not been so tired.
23:04
Speaker 1: I don't know, she said. She answered all their questions with,
23:09
Speaker 1: I don't know. Perhaps she should have become indignant and
23:12
Speaker 1: defended Olga Rado. Perhaps she should have let them slander
23:16
Speaker 1: her and have made all kinds of mysterious insinuations. Perhaps
23:21
Speaker 1: she should have laughed and led the girls a merry chase.
23:24
Speaker 1: She supported herself against her chair with both hands and said,
23:28
Speaker 1: I don't know. As she left the house she realized
23:32
Speaker 1: that she would never enter it again. A senseless expression
23:35
Speaker 1: kept running through her mind as in a delirium. To
23:39
Speaker 1: be on everybody's tongue. It had never before had any
23:42
Speaker 1: meaning for her. Now she felt actually in a physical way,
23:47
Speaker 1: as if she had been chewed over and spat out
23:49
Speaker 1: on the sidewalk. She shuddered with nausea. From time to time,
23:54
Speaker 1: but at ever shorter intervals, a dull racking hatred began
23:57
Speaker 1: to tarnish the surface of her feeling for Olga Rado.
24:01
Speaker 1: That woman was to blame for all that she was
24:03
Speaker 1: now suffering, heedlessly, cold-heartedly and quite unscrupulously to blame. During
24:09
Speaker 1: this period, Myra was very unjust to Olga Rado, for
24:13
Speaker 1: it seemed to her as if she had been torn
24:15
Speaker 1: by her from a happy shielded youth, as if a
24:18
Speaker 1: profound and placid peace had been destroyed in her, some
24:21
Speaker 1: marvelous equilibrium shattered. The be-all and end-all of her desire
24:26
Speaker 1: seemed to her to be a return to what she
24:28
Speaker 1: had once been. Her one wish was to strike the
24:31
Speaker 1: last year out of her life, to expunge, to forget it.
24:35
Speaker 1: Then she would take up those evil books again and
24:38
Speaker 1: deliberately read the things which had most nauseated her. She
24:41
Speaker 1: thus artificially intensified her hate and anger and fear. There
24:46
Speaker 1: were days when she said to herself, At last I
24:49
Speaker 1: am free. It's as if I had recovered from a
24:52
Speaker 1: severe illness. I feel that my blood is pure again.
24:56
Speaker 1: From now on I shall live as other people do,
24:59
Speaker 1: without pain and without joy, without desire and without fulfillment.
25:03
Speaker 1: And there were nights when she felt as if a
25:05
Speaker 1: burning poison were eating at her veins, when fear of
25:09
Speaker 1: an unutterly horrible future made her shudder. Nights when she
25:12
Speaker 1: felt she must succumb to her unbridled appetites, must give
25:16
Speaker 1: herself unresistingly to every loose woman who for criminal reasons
25:20
Speaker 1: chose to arouse her passion. She saw herself victimized by blackmailers,
25:25
Speaker 1: tracked by the police, sick, insane, in prison or murdered.
25:29
Speaker 1: In one such period of abysmal despair she permitted herself
25:33
Speaker 1: to become engaged. Some decent, solid man or other came
25:37
Speaker 1: courting her. She knew nothing about him. She did not
25:41
Speaker 1: know when or where she had seen him for the
25:43
Speaker 1: first time, knew hardly anything of his character or his inclinations.
25:48
Speaker 1: She simply became aware one day that for some time
25:51
Speaker 1: there had been some person around her who had made
25:54
Speaker 1: an effort to be kind to her. Someone who helped
25:56
Speaker 1: her on most carefully with her coat, stooped when she
26:00
Speaker 1: dropped something, brought her flowers, and tried to tell her
26:03
Speaker 1: cheerful stories in order to brighten her face a little.
26:06
Speaker 1: The man knew as agreeably little about her. In his
26:10
Speaker 1: presence Aunt Emily bubbled over with gentle, motherly solicitude. She
26:15
Speaker 1: could just as well have made biting observations or cutting
26:18
Speaker 1: innuendos about him, but he fitted into her program. He
26:22
Speaker 1: pitted Myra tremendously because she was an orphan. He ascribed
26:27
Speaker 1: all the suffering in her pale face to grief for
26:29
Speaker 1: her father. Sometimes he ventured to take her cold fingers
26:33
Speaker 1: in both his hands and gently stroke them. At such
26:36
Speaker 1: moments Myra would close her eyes and scrutinize her feelings
26:40
Speaker 1: in terror. Warmth and peace flowed from his big strong hands.
26:45
Speaker 1: His gentle tenderness was pleasant rather than abhorrent. Then Myra
26:49
Speaker 1: would say to herself with a burst of hope, Perhaps
26:52
Speaker 1: everything will be all right, after all. Perhaps I shall
26:56
Speaker 1: have somebody near who is good to me. I'll have
26:59
Speaker 1: children and a home. I'll always have something to do.
27:02
Speaker 1: Perhaps it is still possible for a life like that
27:05
Speaker 1: to be bearable. She felt, too, an irrepressible desire for revenge.
27:10
Speaker 1: It might wound Olga Radovich's vanity somewhat. if she learned
27:14
Speaker 1: how quickly she had been forgotten. The man was rich.
27:18
Speaker 1: That suited Aunt Emily and incidentally suited Myra. She pictured
27:22
Speaker 1: herself in the loge at the opera, flashing with jewels
27:26
Speaker 1: beside this man, a very attractive and stately man. It
27:30
Speaker 1: would never occur to anyone that she had not married
27:32
Speaker 1: him for love, and suddenly Olga Rado would appear from somewhere.
27:37
Speaker 1: Or she saw herself driving past Olga Rado in a
27:40
Speaker 1: deluxe car. Or best of all, She saw them meeting
27:44
Speaker 1: when she was walking with her fair-haired children dressed neatly
27:47
Speaker 1: in white. Then she would draw the children away from
27:50
Speaker 1: Olga as if from a venomous snake. That was the way, yes, indeed,
27:54
Speaker 1: that was the way to wound Olga most cruelly. As
27:57
Speaker 1: the man was persistent, Myra said yes. She had had
28:01
Speaker 1: sufficient time to accustom herself and took good care that
28:04
Speaker 1: it appeared in various newspapers. On her twenty-first birthday, there
28:09
Speaker 1: was a little garden party at the villa of her parents-in-law.
28:13
Speaker 1: It was a very hot day in summer, the 19th
28:15
Speaker 1: of June, and on Aunt Emily's advice, Myra again put
28:19
Speaker 1: on a white dress trimmed with black. As she strolled
28:22
Speaker 1: past a mirror in that strange house with all the
28:25
Speaker 1: strange people about her, she did not recognize herself. She
28:29
Speaker 1: was shocked and could not rid herself of the idea
28:32
Speaker 1: that she was not the pretty girl dressed in white,
28:34
Speaker 1: who smiled at her from the mirror, on the arm
28:37
Speaker 1: of that strange man. She tried to find herself and
28:40
Speaker 1: could not imagine where she could be. But it seemed
28:43
Speaker 1: to her as if she saw herself, thin and dark
28:46
Speaker 1: like a specter, wandering through great, dark, empty rooms. Again
28:51
Speaker 1: it seemed to her as if she really was the
28:53
Speaker 1: reflection in the glass, and that that other Myra, who
28:56
Speaker 1: was so identically like her, was the stranger. Dream and
29:00
Speaker 1: reality began to merge inextricably. All her nerves seemed to
29:04
Speaker 1: thrill like snapped cords. In mortal fear she longed for
29:07
Speaker 1: complete unconsciousness or for sudden complete clarity. feeling as if
29:12
Speaker 1: she were blinded by fog or a prey to vertigo.
29:15
Speaker 1: A moment later, she could not understand exactly what had
29:18
Speaker 1: happened to her, or give any answer to her fiancé
29:22
Speaker 1: who anxiously inquired the cause of her paleness. But the
29:25
Speaker 1: singular feeling persisted all evening that all this was simply
29:29
Speaker 1: a dream, a game. The whole business of the engagement
29:32
Speaker 1: was simply a joke, a comedy. Each moment might step
29:36
Speaker 1: forward like a stage manager and cry. Enough! let reality
29:41
Speaker 1: resume on the 20th of june in the morning myra
29:44
Speaker 1: was called to the telephone a light masculine voice spoke
29:48
Speaker 1: from the receiver curiously restrained and hesitant is this miss
29:53
Speaker 1: rudloff herself myra is that you forgive me for disturbing
29:57
Speaker 1: you I wanted to speak to you. Myra felt her
30:01
Speaker 1: heart tear itself loose and plunge into an unfathomable dark abyss. Peterkin,
30:07
Speaker 1: she said and tried to suppress her smile without stopping
30:10
Speaker 1: to think that no one could see her face, nor
30:12
Speaker 1: could anyone have heard that smile in the trembling of
30:15
Speaker 1: her voice. May I speak with you, Myra? I mean.
30:20
Speaker 1: Again that timid hesitation in his voice. If you care
30:24
Speaker 1: to you understand. Of course, I don't know how interested
30:27
Speaker 1: you are in your old friends now. It goes without saying,
30:31
Speaker 1: said Myra firmly, that you can see me any time,
30:34
Speaker 1: where and when you wish. She did not ask what
30:37
Speaker 1: had happened. She did not want to ask. It can't
30:41
Speaker 1: come very well. Again that timid tone. And I'd rather
30:45
Speaker 1: not go on the street. Or to a coffee house.
30:49
Speaker 1: It really wouldn't do. I'll come to you, said Myra quickly.
30:54
Speaker 1: Tell me where you live. Yes, but is that all
30:57
Speaker 1: right either? Particularly, if anything unpleasant should happen. You're engaged.
31:04
Speaker 1: She had a peculiar feeling. It seemed to her as
31:07
Speaker 1: a curiously happy fact that every pattern which this spirit
31:10
Speaker 1: had created was now destroyed. There was not even a
31:14
Speaker 1: room left in the world which those hands, that mind,
31:17
Speaker 1: had arranged, and in which a trace of her being
31:20
Speaker 1: might have survived. Half unconsciously, Myra felt as if the
31:24
Speaker 1: shifting of a few pieces of furniture had broken the
31:27
Speaker 1: stones from a prison wall. Now Olga Rado was wholly free.
31:31
Speaker 1: A gentle breeze stirred the curtains at the open window.
31:35
Speaker 1: A sweet cool breeze blew over Myra's burning eyes. She smiled.
31:40
Speaker 1: It is best that way, she said again. Suddenly she
31:44
Speaker 1: understood that Olga had not received her letters. There was
31:48
Speaker 1: no need to inquire about it. But Peterkin was the
31:51
Speaker 1: only person of whose opinion she was a little afraid.
31:55
Speaker 1: She felt that she must justify herself. I wrote Olga
31:58
Speaker 1: three times, she said. I had an idea that you did,
32:03
Speaker 1: said Peterkin with a gloomy smile. She never received a line.
32:08
Speaker 1: But you knew it anyway? Of course. We talked often
32:12
Speaker 1: enough about you. While Peterkin was speaking Myra had a
32:15
Speaker 1: curious feeling that she was living over in a few
32:18
Speaker 1: minutes and with the most powerful intensity, the last six
32:21
Speaker 1: months of her life. It seemed to her as if
32:24
Speaker 1: on that unhappy morning the woof thread had been broken
32:27
Speaker 1: and day by day had labored at a makeshift pattern
32:30
Speaker 1: that was false. Now that false woof had suddenly been
32:33
Speaker 1: unraveled as the shuttle plied backwards like lightning. The thread
32:37
Speaker 1: was knotted where it had been broken and the true
32:39
Speaker 1: pattern was resumed, A little curtailed, perhaps, a little fainter
32:43
Speaker 1: in color. But there it was, woven for the present
32:47
Speaker 1: and for all days to come. What did you say
32:49
Speaker 1: about me? Oh, a great many things. I urged her
32:53
Speaker 1: so often to write to you, to establish some sort
32:56
Speaker 1: of contact with you. But she was convinced that she
32:59
Speaker 1: must not do it. Sometimes I thought I would telephone you,
33:03
Speaker 1: or I'd waylay you somewhere against her will. Once I
33:07
Speaker 1: suggested it to her. She glared at me out of
33:10
Speaker 1: her big eyes. If you ever do any such thing,
33:13
Speaker 1: she said, our friendship is over with for all time.
33:17
Speaker 1: Do you want to destroy the poor child? She was
33:20
Speaker 1: always of the opinion that you were happy and that
33:23
Speaker 1: things were going well with you. But I was sure
33:25
Speaker 1: you must divine what was going on. I tried so
33:28
Speaker 1: hard you'll never know how hard. Once I promenade under
33:32
Speaker 1: your windows for a whole hour. I always thought that
33:35
Speaker 1: if I could only speak to you we would find
33:37
Speaker 1: some way out. I always thought that everything would be
33:40
Speaker 1: all right in the end. Then you became engaged. Yes,
33:44
Speaker 1: then I had to admit at last that she was right. Oh,
33:48
Speaker 1: you idiot, said Myra laughing through her tears. I remember
33:52
Speaker 1: the day so well. Olga came up to my room
33:55
Speaker 1: early in the morning. She sat huddled over in the
33:58
Speaker 1: easy chair, smoking one cigarette after another. For half an
34:03
Speaker 1: hour she did not utter a word. I sat here
34:06
Speaker 1: at the desk pretending I was working. I had tossed
34:09
Speaker 1: aside my paper when I heard her coming. But from
34:12
Speaker 1: the way she sat there I thought, she knows already.
34:16
Speaker 1: She knew I knew it, but neither of us wanted
34:19
Speaker 1: to begin the conversation. When she finally did, she kept saying,
34:23
Speaker 1: I'm so happy, I'm so glad. And she demanded that
34:27
Speaker 1: I celebrate with her too. In the evening we went
34:30
Speaker 1: to have a bottle of wine together. She made me
34:33
Speaker 1: do it. I can still see her as she sat
34:35
Speaker 1: at the table. turning the wine glass in her hand.
34:39
Speaker 1: She had such a curious smile all that day. Again
34:42
Speaker 1: she said to me, So little Myra is going to
34:45
Speaker 1: be married. That's fine, fine. Our little Myra will have children,
34:50
Speaker 1: real lads who will never know a trouble in life.
34:53
Speaker 1: Then she kept demanding that I say how happy it
34:55
Speaker 1: made me. And I had to say so. As matters
34:59
Speaker 1: then stood it was the best thing to do. But
35:01
Speaker 1: from that day on she lived in morbid dread of
35:04
Speaker 1: meeting you somewhere on the street. Sometimes when she needed
35:07
Speaker 1: something she would ask me to get it. She would
35:10
Speaker 1: sit here pale with her hands folded and say, Please, please, Peterkin,
35:14
Speaker 1: I can't go to the store. For the last eight
35:17
Speaker 1: or ten days she hardly left her room. She used
35:20
Speaker 1: to telephone me to come over. She did not want
35:23
Speaker 1: to go on the street. But of course there was
35:26
Speaker 1: another reason for that as well. What was that? asked
35:30
Speaker 1: Myra after staring silently out of the window for a
35:33
Speaker 1: long time. He cast a quick and searching glance at her.
35:38
Speaker 1: So you don't know? He asked as if relieved. You
35:42
Speaker 1: really know nothing about it? I was sure you didn't.
35:45
Speaker 1: But they had her shadowed, your people, you know. No
35:48
Speaker 1: matter where she went there was always a detective after her. Oh,
35:52
Speaker 1: she suffered so cruelly because of that. But why? Asked Myra.
35:57
Speaker 1: Why should they do that? They had me where they
36:00
Speaker 1: wanted me. They knew just where I spent every hour
36:03
Speaker 1: of the day. Probably they were afraid. They may have thought,
36:07
Speaker 1: before your engagement at any rate, that you might waver
36:11
Speaker 1: in your resolves, or that she might try to influence
36:14
Speaker 1: you again. They may have wanted to catch her at
36:16
Speaker 1: something so that they could have her deported as an
36:19
Speaker 1: undesirable alien. Your uncle bought up all her debts. You
36:23
Speaker 1: did not know that either, I believe. So they had
36:26
Speaker 1: her cornered. Every day there were letters from attorneys from
36:30
Speaker 1: the courts. Later on she simply refused to open them.
36:34
Speaker 1: She used to let them pile up on her desk.
36:37
Speaker 1: I said to her sometimes, you can't do that, you
36:40
Speaker 1: must answer them, you must go, you must make promises.
36:44
Speaker 1: Then she would smile an infinitely melancholy smile. I've lost
36:48
Speaker 1: my sense of humor, Peterkin, she would say. I'm old
36:52
Speaker 1: and tired. It isn't a hunt as far as I'm concerned.
36:56
Speaker 1: And she indicated the pile of papers with a wave
36:58
Speaker 1: of her hand. Then there were threatening letters, I can't
37:02
Speaker 1: tell you how vulgar. filled with expressions that one simply
37:05
Speaker 1: can't repeat. From your Aunt Emily, I think. But they
37:09
Speaker 1: were sent as if they came from you. They said
37:12
Speaker 1: you knew now the sort she was and wanted her
37:14
Speaker 1: to drop every attempt to get in touch with you
37:17
Speaker 1: and to stop blackmailing you. It was sufficient that she
37:20
Speaker 1: had seduced you into stealing and breaking open people's desks,
37:24
Speaker 1: that she had undermined your health, that she had caused
37:27
Speaker 1: your father's death. Ah, I don't know all that was
37:30
Speaker 1: in them. And then, things you were supposed to have said,
37:33
Speaker 1: they must have been horrible, for she would never tell
37:35
Speaker 1: me what they were or let me read them. She
37:38
Speaker 1: used to sit here in front of me, her face
37:40
Speaker 1: perfectly white and her eyes blazing, while she gripped my
37:44
Speaker 1: wrist so that I thought she would snap the bone.
37:47
Speaker 1: Myra doesn't know anything of this, does she, Peterkin? She
37:50
Speaker 1: kept repeating. Myra doesn't know about this? There were times
37:55
Speaker 1: when I did not like that tone of voice. But now,
37:58
Speaker 1: when it is ringing in my ears again, I don't
38:01
Speaker 1: see how I could have failed to understand it. From
38:03
Speaker 1: that time forth, she began frequently to speak of the journey.
38:08
Speaker 1: I'm going home on the 22nd of June. She was
38:11
Speaker 1: always saying it. Once I asked her why she had
38:14
Speaker 1: chosen that particular day. She laughed and said, Because it
38:18
Speaker 1: is three days after the 19th. I pondered over it considerably,
38:23
Speaker 1: but at that time the connection was not clear to me.
38:27
Speaker 1: But after your engagement everything was different. Suddenly she began
38:31
Speaker 1: to say when I go away, next week or the
38:33
Speaker 1: day after tomorrow. I teased her about it. So you've
38:37
Speaker 1: turned traitor to your plans? I thought you weren't going
38:40
Speaker 1: away until three days after the 19th. Then she looked
38:44
Speaker 1: at me mysteriously and shook her head. Ah, no, Peterkin,
38:48
Speaker 1: I have no reason for waiting now. On the evening
38:51
Speaker 1: of the on Monday evening, she appeared here suddenly in
38:55
Speaker 1: what I thought was a very cheerful state of mind.
38:58
Speaker 1: She laid the cigarette case on my desk just where
39:00
Speaker 1: it's lying now and asked me to do her the
39:03
Speaker 1: favor of placing it in your hands. She intended to
39:06
Speaker 1: go away and was already packing. If she sent the
39:10
Speaker 1: case to you it would probably be taken as an
39:12
Speaker 1: attempt at blackmail. I was to give it to you
39:15
Speaker 1: after she had gone on your birthday and she insisted
39:19
Speaker 1: that I mark the date on my calendar. I said
39:22
Speaker 1: I could remember it without that but she opened my
39:25
Speaker 1: calendar to the date and marked it herself. With an
39:28
Speaker 1: almost devout gesture. he turned back the last leaf and
39:32
Speaker 1: pushed the calendar toward Myra. In the white space under
39:36
Speaker 1: the 19th of June, which had been carefully circled, was
39:39
Speaker 1: written in Olga's bold, beautiful hand, Myra's birthday. Don't forget Peterkin.
39:46
Speaker 1: Underneath were three crosses, Playful little crosses marked in black ink.
39:51
Speaker 1: Myra said nothing. She laid the palm of her hand
39:54
Speaker 1: on the paper and did not remove it. Peterkin cleared
39:58
Speaker 1: his throat a few times and continued. Before she left,
40:01
Speaker 1: we arranged everything for the next day. We would inquire
40:05
Speaker 1: about the trains in the morning. In the evening, I
40:08
Speaker 1: would take her to the station. But when she had gone,
40:11
Speaker 1: I grew terribly nervous. Something struck me as wrong, but
40:15
Speaker 1: I didn't know what it was. I tried to telephone her,
40:18
Speaker 1: but there was no answer. I sat here at my
40:21
Speaker 1: desk in a quite indescribable state of nerves. This thing
40:25
Speaker 1: was lying before me. He picked up the cigarette case.
40:29
Speaker 1: I picked it up quite without thinking. Suddenly it occurred
40:33
Speaker 1: to me, pardon Myra if it was not discreet, but
40:36
Speaker 1: I felt such dreadful anxiety. Suddenly it occurred to me
40:39
Speaker 1: to open it. I did so half in fun, half
40:43
Speaker 1: with the notion that I might find something in it
40:45
Speaker 1: which would tell me something. When I opened it, I
40:48
Speaker 1: found this note. He handed it to Myra. Under the
40:51
Speaker 1: clasps that were to hold the cigarettes against the case
40:55
Speaker 1: was a slip of paper. On it was written in
40:58
Speaker 1: Olga's unmistakable hand, Kvivens laid it, mort mediter. Kvivens laid it,
41:04
Speaker 1: mort mediter, repeated Peterkin. I read it several times like
41:09
Speaker 1: a drunken man without understanding. Then I rushed down, without
41:13
Speaker 1: my hat, without my keys. The lower house was locked.
41:17
Speaker 1: I rang for the doorman. He did not come at once.
41:21
Speaker 1: I rushed upstairs again to get my keys. It took
41:24
Speaker 1: me ages to unlock the house, to run around the
41:27
Speaker 1: corner and ring for their doorman ages. On the stairs
41:30
Speaker 1: I met the maid, screaming and sobbing. It had already happened.
41:35
Speaker 1: Myra laid her forehead against the edge of the desk.
41:39
Speaker 1: Not a sound was to be heard. Peterkin stroked Myra's
41:42
Speaker 1: hair once or twice with trembling fingers. There is something
41:46
Speaker 1: else that I must tell you, he said in a
41:49
Speaker 1: low voice. She was completely covered with your flowers. Perhaps
41:53
Speaker 1: that will make you happy. You know, when you parted
41:56
Speaker 1: that time, you ran downstairs with your people after you.
41:59
Speaker 1: I have heard what was said between you. After quite
42:02
Speaker 1: a long while I went back to my room. There
42:05
Speaker 1: was Olga still standing in the middle of the room,
42:08
Speaker 1: supporting herself against the table. When I entered, she looked
42:12
Speaker 1: at me as if I were awaking her from sleep.
42:15
Speaker 1: I took her by both arms and shook her. What's happened, Olga?
42:19
Speaker 1: What have you done to Myra? She looked distractedly at
42:22
Speaker 1: me and kept repeating, something terrible. Oh, God. Peterkin, something terrible.
42:29
Speaker 1: She showed you the door quite formally, did she not?
42:32
Speaker 1: She said that you shouldn't bother her again or something
42:34
Speaker 1: like that, didn't she? Then she seized my hand and
42:38
Speaker 1: said very quietly, I'm lying, Peterkin, I'm simply lying. It
42:42
Speaker 1: was nothing but my miserable cowardice. But Myra must know that,
42:47
Speaker 1: she understands me. I would have jumped in front of
42:50
Speaker 1: a train for her, I'd have jumped out a window,
42:52
Speaker 1: but I can't let the clothes be torn off my
42:54
Speaker 1: body in front of such people, I can't, I can't.
42:57
Speaker 1: I know I'm a miserable, contemptible creature, but I can't,
43:01
Speaker 1: I can't. I asked her what you had answered. She
43:04
Speaker 1: turned quite pale and said, Nothing. Not a word. That's
43:09
Speaker 1: the terrible part. She was so defenseless against my commonness.
43:14
Speaker 1: Then she had another discussion with Miss Flesh. You have
43:18
Speaker 1: no idea how that woman acted. Olga would not remain
43:21
Speaker 1: in the house another hour, for which I could hardly
43:25
Speaker 1: blame her. Then she went to pack her things. In
43:28
Speaker 1: a few moments she came back, and seizing me by
43:31
Speaker 1: the wrist, drew me into her room. That is her answer,
43:35
Speaker 1: she said and showed me the money on the bed.
43:38
Speaker 1: She is articulate, she said. We underestimated her powers. Oh Myra,
43:43
Speaker 1: why did you do that? To be quite frank, I
43:46
Speaker 1: was dreadfully angry with you myself at the time. She
43:50
Speaker 1: kept saying, what shall I do? What shall I do?
43:54
Speaker 1: I said, put the money in an envelope and send
43:56
Speaker 1: it back without any message. But she shook her head.
44:00
Speaker 1: I deserved the blow, she said at last. I will
44:04
Speaker 1: have to take it and smile. She gathered the bills
44:07
Speaker 1: almost lovingly, saying several times in a low voice, What
44:11
Speaker 1: a child! What a child! She did not know what
44:14
Speaker 1: she was doing. She did not know what she was doing.
44:18
Speaker 1: Then she gave me the roll of bills. Keep it
44:21
Speaker 1: for me, Peterkin, the time may come when I shall
44:23
Speaker 1: need it, and when it will be a joy to
44:25
Speaker 1: me to know that it comes from Myra. I mentioned
44:29
Speaker 1: it to her often before the end, when she literally
44:32
Speaker 1: did not know which way to turn for troubles. But
44:35
Speaker 1: she always shook her head and said, Not yet, not yet.
44:39
Speaker 1: After she was dead, His voice broke. I bought white
44:43
Speaker 1: orchids for her. I spent the whole sum. She looked beautiful.
44:46
Speaker 1: He could get no further. His lips quivered. The tears
44:50
Speaker 1: rolled down his cheeks. After a long, long pause, Myra
44:54
Speaker 1: sat up. Her eyes were dry. Beside the cigarette case
44:58
Speaker 1: on the desk lay a revolver. Is that the revolver?
45:02
Speaker 1: Asked Myra and reached for it. Yes. Give it to me.
45:08
Speaker 1: She clasped the butt in her fingers. Peterkin made a
45:11
Speaker 1: gesture of terror. But Myra slowly shook her head. Peterkin
45:15
Speaker 1: looked into her eyes. Then he reluctantly drew back his hand.
45:20
Speaker 1: I do not want to keep it, he said. It
45:23
Speaker 1: is too much of a constant temptation. And not everyone
45:27
Speaker 1: has as steady a hand as Olga Rado. You have
45:30
Speaker 1: a right to it, of course. But I should not
45:33
Speaker 1: like you to keep it either. Promise me something, Myra.
45:36
Speaker 1: Promise me you will give it to the man you love.
45:39
Speaker 1: then it will be in the best hands. She had risen.
45:42
Speaker 1: I promise you, she said almost solemnly, I will give
45:47
Speaker 1: it to the man I love. Promise that you won't
45:49
Speaker 1: do anything silly with it, that you won't carry it
45:52
Speaker 1: carelessly or foolishly. I promise you, said Myra, with this proviso,
45:59
Speaker 1: I have no right yet to swear on my life
46:01
Speaker 1: that I won't shoot myself, but I will swear by
46:04
Speaker 1: my eternal salvation. I will swear by Olga Radovich's ten
46:08
Speaker 1: thousand times sacred memory. Something struck him in her tone.
46:14
Speaker 1: He rose slowly from his chair as if trying to
46:16
Speaker 1: search her eyes with his own. Tell me, Myra, he said.
46:20
Speaker 1: I hope you are not angry with me. I should
46:23
Speaker 1: not like anything that I have said to influence your
46:26
Speaker 1: decisions in any way. Myra held his fingers in a
46:30
Speaker 1: short firm clasp. From the swift gesture with which she
46:33
Speaker 1: drew herself up and ran her hand over his hips,
46:36
Speaker 1: It was apparent that she was at the utmost limit
46:39
Speaker 1: of her powers. I swear, she said, that from this
46:43
Speaker 1: hour forth nothing and nobody can ever again influence my decisions.
46:48
Speaker 1: Myra did not return home at once. In a few
46:51
Speaker 1: seconds she had made plans which instantly became decisions. There
46:55
Speaker 1: was no wavering as they took form. It all advanced
46:58
Speaker 1: with one stride from darkness into light and remained there irrevocably.
47:03
Speaker 1: She visited a shipping agency and the landlord of the
47:06
Speaker 1: house in which she had spent so many years. There
47:09
Speaker 1: was a time when she would have dreaded such tasks.
47:12
Speaker 1: Now she felt that never as long as she lived
47:15
Speaker 1: should anyone relieve her of such unpleasantnesses. It made her
47:18
Speaker 1: feel good to be determined to manage her affairs prudently
47:22
Speaker 1: and deliberately. When she entered her room and laid her
47:26
Speaker 1: hat in the closet, her hand touched the black dress
47:29
Speaker 1: that she had worn to her father's burial. For a
47:32
Speaker 1: moment she felt a desire to put it on, to
47:35
Speaker 1: see herself in gloomy crepe. But she drew herself up. Nonsense,
47:40
Speaker 1: she muttered, gritted her teeth and shut the closet. She
47:44
Speaker 1: went to her father's study, seated herself at the desk
47:47
Speaker 1: and wrote various letters, to the attorney, to the bank.
47:51
Speaker 1: After a while the maid entered. Your aunt, my mistress,
47:55
Speaker 1: requests you to come to dinner. Myra did not raise
47:59
Speaker 1: her head. Tell your mistress, my aunt, that I have
48:02
Speaker 1: already eaten, and request my aunt, your mistress, to come
48:06
Speaker 1: here after dinner. The maid stood in the door for
48:09
Speaker 1: a moment, her mouth wide open. But as Myra did
48:13
Speaker 1: not stir, adding nothing and retracting nothing, simply scratching her
48:17
Speaker 1: pen hurriedly over the paper, she trotted off. Presently, Aunt
48:22
Speaker 1: Emily appeared, visibly undecided as to whether to be indignant
48:26
Speaker 1: or affable. Sit down, please. said Myra in a tone
48:30
Speaker 1: so businesslike, so short, so firm and unimpeachably polite that
48:34
Speaker 1: it threw Aunt Emily into confusion and deprived her of
48:37
Speaker 1: all power of speech. Pardon me if I shorten your
48:41
Speaker 1: afternoon nap a little, but I have something to say
48:44
Speaker 1: to you and time is pressing. Myra picked up the
48:47
Speaker 1: paper knife, turned it over and over, bent it, wrapped
48:50
Speaker 1: her outstretched fingers with it, and stared intently at it
48:54
Speaker 1: while she spoke. You will have to decide quickly where
48:57
Speaker 1: you are going. I am about to travel. You. I
49:02
Speaker 1: am about to travel. We are going to break up
49:05
Speaker 1: the household. The house will be rented. News has agreed
49:09
Speaker 1: to let me break the lease. The furniture will be
49:12
Speaker 1: put in storage. Within the next few days. I'm beginning today.
49:17
Speaker 1: The moving men will be here tomorrow. You will certainly
49:20
Speaker 1: want to get out of the way of the commotion.
49:23
Speaker 1: I suggest that you go to a hotel or a
49:25
Speaker 1: pension until you have definitely made up your mind. If
49:28
Speaker 1: you need the maid this afternoon to help you pack,
49:31
Speaker 1: she will be at your service. And then, I should
49:35
Speaker 1: not like you to suffer in a pecuniary way on
49:37
Speaker 1: my account. I should prefer if you were to state
49:40
Speaker 1: your wishes in writing and hand them to Rosenbaum. I
49:44
Speaker 1: have already written him in this connection. Myra laid down
49:48
Speaker 1: the paper knife. Myra packed her things in feverish haste
49:52
Speaker 1: as if for flight. She worked all day and night,
49:55
Speaker 1: permitting no one to help her, not even the maid,
49:58
Speaker 1: not even Peterkin. But on the evening when she was departing,
50:02
Speaker 1: Peterkin came to fetch her from the house and accompany
50:05
Speaker 1: her to the depot. The house was dark and empty.
50:09
Speaker 1: All the furniture had been removed. The chandeliers were down
50:13
Speaker 1: and the windows curtainless. Here and there a picture hook
50:17
Speaker 1: projected disconsolately from the bare wall, or a square on
50:20
Speaker 1: the paper showed that a picture had hung there for years.
50:24
Speaker 1: A big suitcase and a small bag stood in the
50:26
Speaker 1: middle of the empty room. Myra had stuck a lit
50:29
Speaker 1: taper on the windowsill. It gave a strange flickering half-light.
50:34
Speaker 1: Their shadows glided huge and bent along the walls and ceiling.
50:38
Speaker 1: Peterkin kept glancing at his watch. Isn't it time for
50:41
Speaker 1: me to call the taxi? He asked uneasily. Myra raised
50:46
Speaker 1: her hand. Stop it. We have oceans of time. What
50:50
Speaker 1: would we do at the station? And what difference does
50:53
Speaker 1: it make if I miss the train? I'll simply leave
50:56
Speaker 1: in the early morning. Ah, said Peterkin relieved. I'd much
51:01
Speaker 1: prefer that. I don't understand how anybody can travel at night.
51:06
Speaker 1: I'll travel in the morning, said Myra. In a few
51:09
Speaker 1: hours the dawn will come. But I love the night.
51:13
Speaker 1: Whoever loves the stars must love the night. Tell me
51:16
Speaker 1: Peterkin have you really never thought that they're up there
51:19
Speaker 1: in the daytime too just as remote and just as
51:21
Speaker 1: near as at night? Sometimes I try to see them
51:24
Speaker 1: when the sun is shining and I feel quite certain
51:27
Speaker 1: that such and such a one is here and another there.
51:31
Speaker 1: and I can hardly wait for twilight to make them visible.
51:34
Speaker 1: You get that from her too, said Peterkin sadly. That
51:38
Speaker 1: insane love of the stars. Yes, said Myra and her
51:42
Speaker 1: deep voice was like a bell. What have I that
51:45
Speaker 1: I didn't get from her? Everything. Certainly all love. The
51:49
Speaker 1: earth and sky are full of things she loved. And
51:52
Speaker 1: her love streams back to me again from all those things.
51:55
Speaker 1: Good God, how many things she loved. mountains and seas
51:59
Speaker 1: and flowers and spiders and little children and leather and
52:02
Speaker 1: silk and crystal and gunderoad and the blessed St. Francis
52:05
Speaker 1: of Assisi, and me. Truly she taught me love. Good heavens,
52:10
Speaker 1: if Aunt Emily were to hear that she would certainly
52:13
Speaker 1: read a wrong meaning into it. Once she said something
52:16
Speaker 1: to me, Olga, I mean it was when we were
52:18
Speaker 1: on our trip and were talking about our future, and
52:21
Speaker 1: I said that I did not want to be separated
52:23
Speaker 1: from her until I came of age. Then she grew
52:26
Speaker 1: quite impatient and said, Good heavens, what a dreadful attitude,
52:30
Speaker 1: never to be able to love what you aren't holding
52:33
Speaker 1: in your own two hands. Wasn't she right, too? Why
52:37
Speaker 1: shouldn't one love the dead and those who are arriving
52:39
Speaker 1: and those who are far away, whose existence we can
52:42
Speaker 1: only surmise or whose creation wafts us a breath of
52:45
Speaker 1: their souls? And why only one, why not thousands, those
52:49
Speaker 1: for whom we yearn and those who yearn for us,
52:52
Speaker 1: those who have died with longing for us unfulfilled? and
52:55
Speaker 1: those who will live with longing unfulfilled after us when
52:58
Speaker 1: we have long been dead. Sometimes I feel as if
53:01
Speaker 1: I should stretch both my arms into space and call,
53:04
Speaker 1: I love you, I love you, I love you. It
53:07
Speaker 1: is strange, said Peterkin timidly, shaking his head as he
53:10
Speaker 1: gazed up at Myra who stood, weirdly tall and slender
53:14
Speaker 1: in the spectral light. It is strange how like her
53:17
Speaker 1: you sometimes are. It is much stranger how unlike her
53:20
Speaker 1: I was, said Myra with a smile. Remote, strange, unrelated,
53:26
Speaker 1: so horribly unlike her that I really did not understand
53:29
Speaker 1: her at all. I think I tormented her to death
53:32
Speaker 1: with jealousy and distrust. And now, asked Peterkin, would you
53:37
Speaker 1: be jealous and distrustful now? Who knows if you had
53:40
Speaker 1: remained together, perhaps in a few months you would have
53:43
Speaker 1: had cause to be. Myra shook her head slowly. You're
53:47
Speaker 1: just trying to comfort me, Peterkin, but you don't succeed.
53:52
Speaker 1: My delight in her was so uncontrollable. Even though her
53:55
Speaker 1: form were destroyed a thousand times, my delight in her
53:59
Speaker 1: will always remain. I see now that I should not
54:02
Speaker 1: have been so greedy as to rob heaven and earth
54:04
Speaker 1: of her love. But Olga never deceived me. Never, never, never.
54:10
Speaker 1: The train, Myra, warned Peterkin. Myra glanced at her wristwatch. Yes,
54:15
Speaker 1: we must go. Peterkin went to call a taxi. The
54:19
Speaker 1: chauffeur carried down the luggage. And look there! She rose
54:23
Speaker 1: with a strange rapture on her face and pointed to
54:26
Speaker 1: the starry sky. There's Antares, the heart of the scorpion.
54:31
Speaker 1: I'll follow it farther and farther south. We may remain together,
54:35
Speaker 1: or I may wait until it appears again, for it
54:38
Speaker 1: is the most trustworthy of friends. Nevertheless, said Peterkin, I
54:43
Speaker 1: have a feeling that it will be very little protection
54:46
Speaker 1: or friendship for you, when I think that in a
54:49
Speaker 1: few nights you will be sleeping in a strange city,
54:52
Speaker 1: In a strange bed. Splendid, said Myra. That is the
54:56
Speaker 1: one thing that can give me peace. A room that
54:59
Speaker 1: I've never set eyes on before. And what if that
55:02
Speaker 1: room is already there and another person occupies it and
55:05
Speaker 1: fills it with his sorrows and joys and worries and thoughts?
55:09
Speaker 1: Must one always lie down in a strange bed with
55:12
Speaker 1: a feeling of aversion? There are no strange microbes and
55:15
Speaker 1: bacteria in a freshly made hotel bed. In the morning
55:19
Speaker 1: the strange bed will tell me everything it has ever experienced.
55:23
Speaker 1: That's also a fairy gift, you know. I'm no longer
55:26
Speaker 1: afraid because things begin to talk to me. It is
55:30
Speaker 1: always the lucky children in the fairy tales or the
55:32
Speaker 1: wise men in the stories, King Solomon conversing with the birds,
55:36
Speaker 1: to whom things and animals and trees tell their secrets.
55:40
Speaker 1: You don't know what that means. The whole world was
55:43
Speaker 1: so dreadfully mute. And now everywhere I hear beloved, familiar,
55:47
Speaker 1: inaudible voices. You can't imagine with what joy and pride
55:51
Speaker 1: that fills one. See, Peterkin, that is something else that
55:55
Speaker 1: I learned from her, from Olga. I am grateful to
55:58
Speaker 1: her for what hours of pleasure I may again find
56:00
Speaker 1: in this masked ball of life, but if the effort
56:03
Speaker 1: seems worthless to me, then I shall be grateful to
56:06
Speaker 1: her for showing me the exit. Yes, said Peterkin somewhat bitterly,
56:11
Speaker 1: a loaded revolver. Oh, more than that, said Myra. It
56:16
Speaker 1: isn't done with that alone. Don't you remember what the
56:19
Speaker 1: little mermaid yearned for? Why she let them cut off
56:22
Speaker 1: her tongue? Why she suffered a thousand agonies at every
56:25
Speaker 1: step she took? What only a great, a truly great
56:28
Speaker 1: love could give her? Well, Olga gave me that. Olga
56:32
Speaker 1: has given me everything one needs to confront the future
56:35
Speaker 1: with imperturbable calm. A loaded revolver and an immortal soul.